That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Girl I Love - full transcript
When Fez finally agrees to present his DMV girlfriend Nina to the gang, Kitty decides to give a formal dinner party, just when Red wanted to see an annual TV challenge special, Battle of the Network Stars. Eric and Hyde object to their girls making them come; when Jackie even wants Steven to wear decent cloths, he really refuses, so she accepts an invitation from her ex Kelso, who wasn't allowed to come alone. All the men soon run off from the horribly boring party. The boys' last hope to hold out against a girl is Fez- even Kelso knows better.
Why would Sports Illustrated even publish
an issue that's not a swimsuit issue?
You know who should
do a swimsuit issue? Playboy.
Why would you put
clothes on a centerfold?
Sometimes I get tired
of all the complete nakedness...
and I like to be teased a little.
Yeah, there's a lot more going on
up here than you know about.
I think there's some stuff going on in there
that you don't know about.
You guys should have come
to the arboretum with us.
We saw plants and trees
from all over the world.
There was a bush from Morocco.
Smelled like chocolate chip cookies.
Ah, that is the perfect bush.
Thanks for taking me
to the arboretum. It was fun.
Yeah, what a great day.
What a horrible day!
I don't mind looking
at some trees, okay?
When they put little signs on them,
with little Latin names-
It makes me want to harm myself.
- So the missus took you out for some girl fun, huh?
- (Clicks On)
See, Donna is hot, but she is mean.
My girlfriend Nina?
Just hot.
You know, Fez, you talk a lot about this Nina chick,
but none of us have ever seen her.
Yeah, we're actually starting to suspect
that she is some creepy alter-ego...
you visit late at night
in front of the mirror.
Oh, no, I don't do that anymore.
But Nina is the real deal.
Kelso saw her at the D.M.V.
Uh, there were a lot of girls there.
She could have been the one with the lazy eye
that does the vision test.
Lazy-eye Lizzie? No way.
She wouldn't even look at me.
Nina, my friends don't believe that you're
my girlfriend, even though I Frenched you.
Girlfriend? I don't
know if we're there yet.
I mean, I like you and all, it's just that
all the guys at the D.M.V. seem great...
until you find them in your apartment
wearing your hot curlers.
Warren.
I want to get to know you better,
meet your friends...
make sure they're not puppets.
Warren.
So, if they are not puppets,
then would you be my girlfriend?
Mmm, it would definitely help.
- (Chuckles)
- Are these lines open or not?
- Oh, you're right, I'm sorry.
- That was very unprofessional.
(Rock Group Singing)
(Ends)
Hello, Wisconsin!
So, we're finally gonna meet
the mysterious and possibly fictional Nina!
Fictional? Does this hickey
look fictional?
Huh, looks too small to be
from the vacuum cleaner, like last time.
Wait, let me see.
Small, blotchy and uneven.
Ah, this girl's an amateur.
Let me see.
Small, blotchy and unpleasant.
Yeah, this girl's a Jackie.
Well, Fez, I am thrilled
that you found a girl...
'cause I was startin' to worry.
(Chuckling)
But you've proven me and the experts
from Reader's Digest wrong!
When I introduce her to everybody,
I just want it to be special.
Oh! Let's have a formal
dinner party tomorrow.
You know, it was at a dinner
party that I first realized...
Red Forman was more than
just a boy with great hair.
Sounds good, Miss Kitty.
You might be a little past your prime,
but your mind is still sharp.
Oh, actually tomorrow
night's not gonna work...
I thought we might
go see Laser Floyd.
Well, you tell this fellow Floyd
that you have a dinner party.
No, Mom, Laser Floyd's not a guy...
Laser Floyd is Pink Floyd music-
with lasers!
Lasers, like in Star Wars!
Mrs. Forman, we'll be here.
Wait. You'd rather go
to a formal dinner party?
Sure! Sounds great.
And, uh, don't forget, Mrs. Forman.
You can count Steven and me in.
Yeah, I've been looking for an excuse
to buy him a shirt with buttons.
Since it's a special occasion,
you're all allowed one sip of wine.
Great! It'll be like Communion,
but without the fun of church.
So, Steven, you know,
I was thinking of getting you...
a pair of beige corduroys
and maybe a blue blazer for the party.
Oh, don't forget
the matching scarf and gloves.
This way, I'll be nice and toasty
when hell freezes over.
Uh-oh, Jackie. Looks like Steven
doesn't wanna wear his big-boy clothes.
No, I don't wanna go. You should have
asked me before you said I would.
Steven! I am your girlfriend.
I speak for you now!
Well, then, tell yourself I said to bite me,
'cause I'm not going.
Oh, you are so going!
So just bite yourself!
- (Door Slams)
- Man, do you believe that crap?
Tell me about it. Donna wants to go
to a dinner party, we go to a dinner party.
If she wants to go to the arboretum,
bang, I'm in a room full of trees.
God, I hate trees.
So tall and arrogant.
So why don't you just not go?
- Oh, it's just one day.
- Not for you, man. You're engaged.
It's Latin for "screwed for life."
Oh, my God, you're right.
And I have no choice.
I have to do what she says...
or she won't let me
touch her naughty places.
- Hyde, this is extortion!
- You're tellin' me?
I'm bein' shaken down by a 95-pound brunette
with pink toenails.
Kitty? I know this change of life
has upset you...
but we just bought wine
the other day.
What are you doing,
brushin' your teeth with the stuff?
Red, it's not for me.
Well, this one is.
We're having a dinner
party tomorrow night.
No, can't do it.
Battle of the Network Stars is on!
See, once a year, they make
TV stars compete at things they're not good at.
I look forward all season
to watching Ed Asner try to paddle a canoe.
Makes me feel superior.
Well, you shouldn't feel superior,
because you know what I know about Ed Asner?
Ed Asner would come to my dinner party,
'cause he knows how to treat a woman.
Did you say "dinner party"?
(Chuckles)
See, I thought you-
Oh, screw it, I'll be there.
What's this about a party?
Oh, well, we're having a party
tomorrow night for Fez and Nina.
- I invited all the kids.
- I'm a kid.
Well, it's for couples only.
You can come if you bring a date.
Well, it's too late
to find a date. I mean-
Yeah, I'm sweet looking,
but I'm no miracle worker.
Well, maybe if you stop jumping
from girl to girl, you wouldn't be alone.
You're no Frank Sinatra, you know!
You know, you used to be nice,
but you've changed, lady!
Guys, I really want
Nina to like me...
so please, avoid
the following topics:
my addiction to candy...
the fact that I have needs...
and my use of Alberto
V05 Hot Oil Treatment.
Wait. Fez, what does she care
what you use on your hair?
Oh, I do not use it on my hair.
Well, heard about your
secret couples party.
And I'm glad I'm not goin',
'cause I hate parties.
Hey, man, I'm only goin'
'cause Donna's makin' me.
At this rate, the only way
I'll see Laser Floyd is...
if they project it on a leaf
canopy at the arboretum.
So, don't go to the party.
Act tough, Forman.
- I'm not tough.
- That's why I said "act."
No one's making me go,
that's for sure.
Oh, that is it, Steven. As your girlfriend,
I am ordering you to go to this party.
And as your boyfriend, I'm ordering you to
take your bossy mouth and flap it elsewhere.
If you flap it at me,
I'll go with you.
You hear that, Steven?
Michael wants to go to the party with me.
- I'm not going to the party.
- Fine.
Michael, I would love
to go to the party with you.
Kick-ass!
I love parties!
Okay, now.
These are called...
after-dinner conversation cards.
Let's try one!
(Laughs)
"If you were a bird,
where would you fly?" Donna?
Um, south?
I don't know, I'm nervous.
I feel like I'm on Jeopardy.
If I were a bird,
I'd fly to Laser Floyd.
I'd fly to Tahiti,
'cause the girls there don't wear tops!
Wait, but then I'd want
to change back to myself...
because no lady wants
to make it with a bird.
Wait, can I be a monkey?
Okay. Nina!
I'd fly to my favorite place,
the D.M.V.!
I was just going to say that!
Red, we haven't
heard a peep out of you.
If I was a bird,
I'd fly into a ceiling fan.
(Gasps) Steven, you came,
just like I thought you would.
- You buckled!
- No, I got hungry.
You're in my seat.
Damn, Hyde, now everyone
knows it's a clip-on!
Since you two work at the D.M.V....
how about you make this
parking ticket disappear?
We can't fix this.
You parked in a fire lane.
Oh, Nina, please.
(Laughing)
We're his guests.
I will take care of it, little buddy.
- No, Fez, he broke the law.
- Broke the law?
- I was just getting some milk.
- What if there was a fire?
Then I'd pour my milk on it.
Okay. Okay, let's try another card.
Um, "If you could
be anyone's shoe...
whose shoe would you be?"
I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe,
'cause I think it's about to go in someone's ass.
That's it! I'm watching
Battle of the Network Stars.
I'm with you.
Have fun with Mr. Clip-on.
Yeah, you know what?
Me too.
- You're leaving?
- There are lasers going off right now!
Perfectly synchronized lasers! And all of a sudden,
you're, like- like, Lady Dinner Rolls...
shaking me down
with her naughty places!
I'm going too.
Apparently...
we can eat a man's food,
but we cannot fix his ticket!
Well, what happened
to my dinner party?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Forman, but Marilu Henner
only gets on the trampoline once a year...
and I'm not gonna miss it.
Where the hell does Eric get off
acting like I make him do stuff?
It not like I wanted us to come
to this dinner party either!
I only did because...
well, you're all menopause-y
now, and you scare me!
Right, you came for me.
Just like I slaved over
a pot roast for all of you.
You want a definition of Hell?
Try opening a 400-degree oven
while you're having a hot flash.
We're all here for someone else.
And you know why?
It's right there in front of us, girls.
- Women are giving.
- I'm not giving!
I'm here for me.
Steven is the one who should
think about others.
- I mean, how could he just ditch me?
- Well, Jackie...
it might have to do with
trying to boss him around...
- then showing up with Kelso.
- She's right.
I know she's right.
But you're not a part of the group,
and I don't like you, so zip it!
(Cheering On TV)
Man, look at you guys, all forced to hide
in the basement because of your women.
(Eric)
Hey.
I'm not hiding from anyone.
I finally set Donna straight.
Alls you did was babble about
lasers and naughty places.
Man, I thought
you were having a stroke.
Whatever, man. You caved
just likeJackie wanted.
I didn't cave.
Just wanted to make sure...
"Don Juan el Tardo" here
kept his hands off her.
Then how do you explain the necktie?
I just came from a business meeting.
At least he's putting up a fight.
You just gave up. Like France.
Oh, get off his back, little buddy.
You were at the party too.
Hey, I fought the good
fight for 30 years.
Now I just agree with what Kitty
wants to do, so I can go to sleep.
And I'm not your "little buddy."
Yeah, you're all doomed.
That's funny.
No, we're not all doomed.
One man here still has a chance.
One man can take
a stand for all of us.
And that man's name is-
Well, we can't pronounce his
real name, so we call him Fez!
I don't want to take a stand, I just want Nina
to be my girlfriend and give me nooky!
Fez, come on.
Give it a try!
It'll be like Battle of the Network Stars.
Think about it.
Welcome back to
the Battle of the Gender Stars...
- where it's the gals with 50 points!
- (Cheering)
And the guys with zero.
But the guys still have a chance...
'cause the final event is
conveniently worth 51 points.
You guys are pathetic!
Wow, that's some
tough talk, Jamie Farr.
I'm switching to the gals' team. I can do that,
because I wear a dress on M.A.S.H.
Okay, now let's meet
our contestants.
- Representing the gals: the lovely Nina!
- (Women Cheering)
- And representing the guys: the lovely Fez!
- (Eric) Yes.
Fighters, go!
(Blows Whistle)
(Red)
Make that dame eat some mud!
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
We're going antiquing all weekend!
Oh, like hell we are.
(Cheering)
I hate antiquing.
Let's do this thing!
That's right.
Gentlemen, let's go get our cojones back!
I gotta see this.
- Hey, man, you coming?
- Nah, I still have my cojones.
My lonely, lonely cojones.
Oh, look who it is. You bake a brownie,
and the bastards come running.
I'm afraid your brownies are powerless now.
Fez has something to say. Fez.
- Can I have a brownie?
- Fez!
Oh. Right, right, right, right.
Nina, I insist you take care of Red's ticket,
because I am in charge.
- Yeah, it's not gonna happen.
- Okay. (Chuckles)
- Man, what the hell?
- I have needs.
Nina, if I do everything you want,
would you be my girlfriend?
Can't say no to that!
(Chuckles)
I cannot believe it!
I have a girlfriend!
So when do we do it?
- I am not speaking to you.
- (Sets Down Dinnerware)
Well, at least it will be
quiet enough to go to sleep.
Okay, Donna, when we came up here,
Fez was supposed to- Donna?
Oh, crap.
Hey, Steven, look.
Remember how you said
that I was bossy?
Well, I think you were right.
So, from now on, if I want you
to do something, I'll ask first.
- Well, I just-
- Shh, I'm talking!
(Gasps)
I am so sorry. There I go again.
Okay, here's
what I wanted to say:
Would you like to go with me
to the Girl Scout Alumni Pancake Breakfast?
Jackie, I'd rather put on a dress and slow dance
with Kelso on Soul Train.
But since you asked nicely, I'll go.
Yea! Oh, uh, Steven, don't
forget to bring a spatula...
because I signed you up
as a flipper.
Hey, the flipper better be the guy
who judges the Alumni Bikini Contest!
It's not.
- Donna-
- Wait, let me guess.
- (Door Closes)
- Laser Floyd, Laser Floyd...
arboretum, dinner roll, Laser Floyd.
- Okay, listen.
- No, you listen.
I don't know
what's wrong with you-
if it's genetic, or if you took a pill
from your mother's cabinet-
But I'm through doing stuff for you,
because you don't appreciate it.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
You're doing stuff for me?
Yeah!
I went to that dinner party
to make your mother happy...
and I went to the arboretum
because you wanted to.
I wanted to? All I said was,
"Look, the arboretum."
W- It sounded like you wanted to go.
I hate trees!
I mean, "Ooh, show me trees!"
Does that sound like me?
- No. Look, I'm sorry.
- (Sighs)
I just- I thought you were gonna
make me do girlie crap...
for the rest of my life.
Eric, come on. You know me
way better than that.
Yeah, you're right.
So, would you like to go see
Laser Floyd next weekend?
Oh, we can't. I signed us up for this class:
"Quilting for Couples."
(Laughing)
- (Chuckling) I'm kidding!
- (Gasps)
It's just for men.
And the canoeing champion
for this year's...
Battle of the Network Stars
is... Red Forman!
- My team!
- Thanks, Jamie Farr.
And I'd like to give
a special thanks to Ed Asner.
Ed, thanks for paddling
your canoe like a girl.
Where's your spunk now,
you big pansy? (Laughing)
an issue that's not a swimsuit issue?
You know who should
do a swimsuit issue? Playboy.
Why would you put
clothes on a centerfold?
Sometimes I get tired
of all the complete nakedness...
and I like to be teased a little.
Yeah, there's a lot more going on
up here than you know about.
I think there's some stuff going on in there
that you don't know about.
You guys should have come
to the arboretum with us.
We saw plants and trees
from all over the world.
There was a bush from Morocco.
Smelled like chocolate chip cookies.
Ah, that is the perfect bush.
Thanks for taking me
to the arboretum. It was fun.
Yeah, what a great day.
What a horrible day!
I don't mind looking
at some trees, okay?
When they put little signs on them,
with little Latin names-
It makes me want to harm myself.
- So the missus took you out for some girl fun, huh?
- (Clicks On)
See, Donna is hot, but she is mean.
My girlfriend Nina?
Just hot.
You know, Fez, you talk a lot about this Nina chick,
but none of us have ever seen her.
Yeah, we're actually starting to suspect
that she is some creepy alter-ego...
you visit late at night
in front of the mirror.
Oh, no, I don't do that anymore.
But Nina is the real deal.
Kelso saw her at the D.M.V.
Uh, there were a lot of girls there.
She could have been the one with the lazy eye
that does the vision test.
Lazy-eye Lizzie? No way.
She wouldn't even look at me.
Nina, my friends don't believe that you're
my girlfriend, even though I Frenched you.
Girlfriend? I don't
know if we're there yet.
I mean, I like you and all, it's just that
all the guys at the D.M.V. seem great...
until you find them in your apartment
wearing your hot curlers.
Warren.
I want to get to know you better,
meet your friends...
make sure they're not puppets.
Warren.
So, if they are not puppets,
then would you be my girlfriend?
Mmm, it would definitely help.
- (Chuckles)
- Are these lines open or not?
- Oh, you're right, I'm sorry.
- That was very unprofessional.
(Rock Group Singing)
(Ends)
Hello, Wisconsin!
So, we're finally gonna meet
the mysterious and possibly fictional Nina!
Fictional? Does this hickey
look fictional?
Huh, looks too small to be
from the vacuum cleaner, like last time.
Wait, let me see.
Small, blotchy and uneven.
Ah, this girl's an amateur.
Let me see.
Small, blotchy and unpleasant.
Yeah, this girl's a Jackie.
Well, Fez, I am thrilled
that you found a girl...
'cause I was startin' to worry.
(Chuckling)
But you've proven me and the experts
from Reader's Digest wrong!
When I introduce her to everybody,
I just want it to be special.
Oh! Let's have a formal
dinner party tomorrow.
You know, it was at a dinner
party that I first realized...
Red Forman was more than
just a boy with great hair.
Sounds good, Miss Kitty.
You might be a little past your prime,
but your mind is still sharp.
Oh, actually tomorrow
night's not gonna work...
I thought we might
go see Laser Floyd.
Well, you tell this fellow Floyd
that you have a dinner party.
No, Mom, Laser Floyd's not a guy...
Laser Floyd is Pink Floyd music-
with lasers!
Lasers, like in Star Wars!
Mrs. Forman, we'll be here.
Wait. You'd rather go
to a formal dinner party?
Sure! Sounds great.
And, uh, don't forget, Mrs. Forman.
You can count Steven and me in.
Yeah, I've been looking for an excuse
to buy him a shirt with buttons.
Since it's a special occasion,
you're all allowed one sip of wine.
Great! It'll be like Communion,
but without the fun of church.
So, Steven, you know,
I was thinking of getting you...
a pair of beige corduroys
and maybe a blue blazer for the party.
Oh, don't forget
the matching scarf and gloves.
This way, I'll be nice and toasty
when hell freezes over.
Uh-oh, Jackie. Looks like Steven
doesn't wanna wear his big-boy clothes.
No, I don't wanna go. You should have
asked me before you said I would.
Steven! I am your girlfriend.
I speak for you now!
Well, then, tell yourself I said to bite me,
'cause I'm not going.
Oh, you are so going!
So just bite yourself!
- (Door Slams)
- Man, do you believe that crap?
Tell me about it. Donna wants to go
to a dinner party, we go to a dinner party.
If she wants to go to the arboretum,
bang, I'm in a room full of trees.
God, I hate trees.
So tall and arrogant.
So why don't you just not go?
- Oh, it's just one day.
- Not for you, man. You're engaged.
It's Latin for "screwed for life."
Oh, my God, you're right.
And I have no choice.
I have to do what she says...
or she won't let me
touch her naughty places.
- Hyde, this is extortion!
- You're tellin' me?
I'm bein' shaken down by a 95-pound brunette
with pink toenails.
Kitty? I know this change of life
has upset you...
but we just bought wine
the other day.
What are you doing,
brushin' your teeth with the stuff?
Red, it's not for me.
Well, this one is.
We're having a dinner
party tomorrow night.
No, can't do it.
Battle of the Network Stars is on!
See, once a year, they make
TV stars compete at things they're not good at.
I look forward all season
to watching Ed Asner try to paddle a canoe.
Makes me feel superior.
Well, you shouldn't feel superior,
because you know what I know about Ed Asner?
Ed Asner would come to my dinner party,
'cause he knows how to treat a woman.
Did you say "dinner party"?
(Chuckles)
See, I thought you-
Oh, screw it, I'll be there.
What's this about a party?
Oh, well, we're having a party
tomorrow night for Fez and Nina.
- I invited all the kids.
- I'm a kid.
Well, it's for couples only.
You can come if you bring a date.
Well, it's too late
to find a date. I mean-
Yeah, I'm sweet looking,
but I'm no miracle worker.
Well, maybe if you stop jumping
from girl to girl, you wouldn't be alone.
You're no Frank Sinatra, you know!
You know, you used to be nice,
but you've changed, lady!
Guys, I really want
Nina to like me...
so please, avoid
the following topics:
my addiction to candy...
the fact that I have needs...
and my use of Alberto
V05 Hot Oil Treatment.
Wait. Fez, what does she care
what you use on your hair?
Oh, I do not use it on my hair.
Well, heard about your
secret couples party.
And I'm glad I'm not goin',
'cause I hate parties.
Hey, man, I'm only goin'
'cause Donna's makin' me.
At this rate, the only way
I'll see Laser Floyd is...
if they project it on a leaf
canopy at the arboretum.
So, don't go to the party.
Act tough, Forman.
- I'm not tough.
- That's why I said "act."
No one's making me go,
that's for sure.
Oh, that is it, Steven. As your girlfriend,
I am ordering you to go to this party.
And as your boyfriend, I'm ordering you to
take your bossy mouth and flap it elsewhere.
If you flap it at me,
I'll go with you.
You hear that, Steven?
Michael wants to go to the party with me.
- I'm not going to the party.
- Fine.
Michael, I would love
to go to the party with you.
Kick-ass!
I love parties!
Okay, now.
These are called...
after-dinner conversation cards.
Let's try one!
(Laughs)
"If you were a bird,
where would you fly?" Donna?
Um, south?
I don't know, I'm nervous.
I feel like I'm on Jeopardy.
If I were a bird,
I'd fly to Laser Floyd.
I'd fly to Tahiti,
'cause the girls there don't wear tops!
Wait, but then I'd want
to change back to myself...
because no lady wants
to make it with a bird.
Wait, can I be a monkey?
Okay. Nina!
I'd fly to my favorite place,
the D.M.V.!
I was just going to say that!
Red, we haven't
heard a peep out of you.
If I was a bird,
I'd fly into a ceiling fan.
(Gasps) Steven, you came,
just like I thought you would.
- You buckled!
- No, I got hungry.
You're in my seat.
Damn, Hyde, now everyone
knows it's a clip-on!
Since you two work at the D.M.V....
how about you make this
parking ticket disappear?
We can't fix this.
You parked in a fire lane.
Oh, Nina, please.
(Laughing)
We're his guests.
I will take care of it, little buddy.
- No, Fez, he broke the law.
- Broke the law?
- I was just getting some milk.
- What if there was a fire?
Then I'd pour my milk on it.
Okay. Okay, let's try another card.
Um, "If you could
be anyone's shoe...
whose shoe would you be?"
I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe,
'cause I think it's about to go in someone's ass.
That's it! I'm watching
Battle of the Network Stars.
I'm with you.
Have fun with Mr. Clip-on.
Yeah, you know what?
Me too.
- You're leaving?
- There are lasers going off right now!
Perfectly synchronized lasers! And all of a sudden,
you're, like- like, Lady Dinner Rolls...
shaking me down
with her naughty places!
I'm going too.
Apparently...
we can eat a man's food,
but we cannot fix his ticket!
Well, what happened
to my dinner party?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Forman, but Marilu Henner
only gets on the trampoline once a year...
and I'm not gonna miss it.
Where the hell does Eric get off
acting like I make him do stuff?
It not like I wanted us to come
to this dinner party either!
I only did because...
well, you're all menopause-y
now, and you scare me!
Right, you came for me.
Just like I slaved over
a pot roast for all of you.
You want a definition of Hell?
Try opening a 400-degree oven
while you're having a hot flash.
We're all here for someone else.
And you know why?
It's right there in front of us, girls.
- Women are giving.
- I'm not giving!
I'm here for me.
Steven is the one who should
think about others.
- I mean, how could he just ditch me?
- Well, Jackie...
it might have to do with
trying to boss him around...
- then showing up with Kelso.
- She's right.
I know she's right.
But you're not a part of the group,
and I don't like you, so zip it!
(Cheering On TV)
Man, look at you guys, all forced to hide
in the basement because of your women.
(Eric)
Hey.
I'm not hiding from anyone.
I finally set Donna straight.
Alls you did was babble about
lasers and naughty places.
Man, I thought
you were having a stroke.
Whatever, man. You caved
just likeJackie wanted.
I didn't cave.
Just wanted to make sure...
"Don Juan el Tardo" here
kept his hands off her.
Then how do you explain the necktie?
I just came from a business meeting.
At least he's putting up a fight.
You just gave up. Like France.
Oh, get off his back, little buddy.
You were at the party too.
Hey, I fought the good
fight for 30 years.
Now I just agree with what Kitty
wants to do, so I can go to sleep.
And I'm not your "little buddy."
Yeah, you're all doomed.
That's funny.
No, we're not all doomed.
One man here still has a chance.
One man can take
a stand for all of us.
And that man's name is-
Well, we can't pronounce his
real name, so we call him Fez!
I don't want to take a stand, I just want Nina
to be my girlfriend and give me nooky!
Fez, come on.
Give it a try!
It'll be like Battle of the Network Stars.
Think about it.
Welcome back to
the Battle of the Gender Stars...
- where it's the gals with 50 points!
- (Cheering)
And the guys with zero.
But the guys still have a chance...
'cause the final event is
conveniently worth 51 points.
You guys are pathetic!
Wow, that's some
tough talk, Jamie Farr.
I'm switching to the gals' team. I can do that,
because I wear a dress on M.A.S.H.
Okay, now let's meet
our contestants.
- Representing the gals: the lovely Nina!
- (Women Cheering)
- And representing the guys: the lovely Fez!
- (Eric) Yes.
Fighters, go!
(Blows Whistle)
(Red)
Make that dame eat some mud!
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
We're going antiquing all weekend!
Oh, like hell we are.
(Cheering)
I hate antiquing.
Let's do this thing!
That's right.
Gentlemen, let's go get our cojones back!
I gotta see this.
- Hey, man, you coming?
- Nah, I still have my cojones.
My lonely, lonely cojones.
Oh, look who it is. You bake a brownie,
and the bastards come running.
I'm afraid your brownies are powerless now.
Fez has something to say. Fez.
- Can I have a brownie?
- Fez!
Oh. Right, right, right, right.
Nina, I insist you take care of Red's ticket,
because I am in charge.
- Yeah, it's not gonna happen.
- Okay. (Chuckles)
- Man, what the hell?
- I have needs.
Nina, if I do everything you want,
would you be my girlfriend?
Can't say no to that!
(Chuckles)
I cannot believe it!
I have a girlfriend!
So when do we do it?
- I am not speaking to you.
- (Sets Down Dinnerware)
Well, at least it will be
quiet enough to go to sleep.
Okay, Donna, when we came up here,
Fez was supposed to- Donna?
Oh, crap.
Hey, Steven, look.
Remember how you said
that I was bossy?
Well, I think you were right.
So, from now on, if I want you
to do something, I'll ask first.
- Well, I just-
- Shh, I'm talking!
(Gasps)
I am so sorry. There I go again.
Okay, here's
what I wanted to say:
Would you like to go with me
to the Girl Scout Alumni Pancake Breakfast?
Jackie, I'd rather put on a dress and slow dance
with Kelso on Soul Train.
But since you asked nicely, I'll go.
Yea! Oh, uh, Steven, don't
forget to bring a spatula...
because I signed you up
as a flipper.
Hey, the flipper better be the guy
who judges the Alumni Bikini Contest!
It's not.
- Donna-
- Wait, let me guess.
- (Door Closes)
- Laser Floyd, Laser Floyd...
arboretum, dinner roll, Laser Floyd.
- Okay, listen.
- No, you listen.
I don't know
what's wrong with you-
if it's genetic, or if you took a pill
from your mother's cabinet-
But I'm through doing stuff for you,
because you don't appreciate it.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
You're doing stuff for me?
Yeah!
I went to that dinner party
to make your mother happy...
and I went to the arboretum
because you wanted to.
I wanted to? All I said was,
"Look, the arboretum."
W- It sounded like you wanted to go.
I hate trees!
I mean, "Ooh, show me trees!"
Does that sound like me?
- No. Look, I'm sorry.
- (Sighs)
I just- I thought you were gonna
make me do girlie crap...
for the rest of my life.
Eric, come on. You know me
way better than that.
Yeah, you're right.
So, would you like to go see
Laser Floyd next weekend?
Oh, we can't. I signed us up for this class:
"Quilting for Couples."
(Laughing)
- (Chuckling) I'm kidding!
- (Gasps)
It's just for men.
And the canoeing champion
for this year's...
Battle of the Network Stars
is... Red Forman!
- My team!
- Thanks, Jamie Farr.
And I'd like to give
a special thanks to Ed Asner.
Ed, thanks for paddling
your canoe like a girl.
Where's your spunk now,
you big pansy? (Laughing)