That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 3 - Pinciotti vs. Forman - full transcript
Now Donna is his ex, Eric doesn't want her in the basement any longer; Jackie leaves as an act of solidarity. In order to steal his friends, Donna offers them cable TV and corn dogs- it works; just for saying it's not right on Eric, Jackie gives Michael the silent treatment. Pastor Dave calls by, just to invite Red, to Kitty's delighted surprise; she's disappointed the men don't really talk, which neither wants to do. Eric convinces Bob the gang likes his lame humor which amuses only Fez, so he drives them all back, even Jackie. After some more bids, an alternating schedule is negotiated but bickered over...
Wow!
Donna, you look great.
What could it be?
Oh, I know. You lost
80 pounds of ugly fat.
Burn, Eric, burn!
Okay, first of all...
I weigh
a 130... 49... pounds.
Yeah.
You look good too, Eric.
You lost...
your one true love, so...
Looking good.
Eric, I found these records of yours,
and I thought you might want them back.
Ah, the unpleasant exchange of possessions
after the horrific breakup.
Awkward for them,
entertaining for us.
Whoa, whoa. Shut up.
Don Kirshner's starting.
Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings
are on tonight.
Okay, so... Okay,
we're all here now.
So... So, Donna,
you're staying?
Okay.
What I meant to say was...
Look, Donna, I don't think
it's cool if you hang out here.
So, what, you're,
like, kicking me out?
Wow.
Okay then. Bye.
Well, if you're kicking her out,
then you're kicking me out.
No, Jackie, no.
Oh, wait. I mean, bye!
So, it's just not fair.
He doesn't, like, get my friends...
'cause he has some stupid,
crappy basement.
Right! You helped make that
basement what it is today.
Right. No one would even
go over there before me.
It smelled like feet.
Donna, you have to fight back.
Okay, when a couple splits up...
the woman deserves her fair share
of the life she helped build.
- How much is that?
- All of it!
Donna, it's the law.
You know, normally, that statement
would really offend me.
But now that I'm single and pissed,
you're making a lot of sense.
And then she just comes down
in the basement like it's no big deal.
After what happened? And she's just gonna act
like everything's cool and everything's fine?
You don't love me,
you don't get my couch... or my friends.
I'm a package deal, baby!
So, I just told her, "Fire up those walking
sticks, Big Red, because this ain't happening.
I'm not having it."
Hey, Forman, we were all there,
and that ain't how it happened.
You wanna talk about it
some more?
Mmm, no.
- Hello, Kitty.
- Oh, Pastor Dave!
What a nice surprise.
How's... God?
Fine, thank you.
So, I was wondering if,
uh, Red was home.
Oh, no.
What did he do?
No. No, no, nothing.
I just thought...
he might like to, uh...
I don't know... goof off?
You want to
spend time with Red.
- Unless it's a bad time.
- Oh, no, no, no. This is a great time.
Oh, my God!
Red has a visitor!
Red, Pastor Dave's here!
For you! Hurry!
Oh, yeah. I ran into him
in the hardware store.
You know, he was gonna try to paint
his garage without priming.
That crazy bastard.
Oh, my.
Red has a friend.
Psst!
What are you guys doing today?
We're going to the basement.
Hmm. Sounds fun.
But you know what sounds
like even more fun?
Oh! Playing with a bunch
of monkeys?
Well, yeah.
But we got cable TV
at my house...
which we all know has the potential
for flashes of brief nudity.
Nudity!
Cable? Oh, you are so gonna
win this breakup!
Now, wait just a minute.
Eric is our friend,
our brother.
We cannot just abandon him for nude boobs.
Good point, Fez. This nudity you speak of,
are we talking full frontal?
- Does it matter?
- No. Let's go.
So, you have no idea
where everyone is?
Everyone who?
Hey, you got any Popsicles?
Donna's all out.
Oh, so that's how it is?
Everyone's over at Donna's?
Eric, man, I'm sorry.
And I know that we've been friends
for, like, a really long time...
but, uh, we were watching
Barbarella on cable.
Man, and I not only saw boobs,
but I saw boobs in space!
Yeah, space boobs, Eric!
There's no gravity!
She got cable?
That sneaky little wench.
No, no. And corn dogs.
Oh, dogs wrapped in corn.
Oh, sweet meat on a stick.
- Just go.
- Thank you.
"At Dave's.
Back around 5:00. Red."
Oh!
I hadn't realized before,
but the primer is like your emotions.
It's what's underneath
the surface.
And the rust
is like your anger.
Boy...
having a male companion
to talk to is changing my life.
I wish I could tell Kitty
exactly how I feel about her...
but I just
can't find the words.
I'll help you.
We'll find the words together.
Oh, sure...
sometimes I feel like crying,
but I just can't.
You can with me.
- Hey.
- Oh, hello.
So, how was your day?
What did you and your new friend do?
Well...
- So, that's all you did?
- Yep.
Well, you didn't talk
about anything?
Nope.
- Do you hate him?
- Kitty, don't start.
No, no, no. All I'm saying is,
people with friends live longer.
And you are not good
at keeping friends.
Bob's scared of you,
and Earl isn't speaking to you.
- What about Frank?
- Frank's dead.
Exactly.
It is time to replace
your dead friend Frank.
I win.
Oh, look,
there's a boob!
There's two.
Oh, wait. Four.
It's the mother lode.
Oh, man. Guy butt. Look away.
I feel kinda bad.
Hon, it's just guy butt.
It won't hurt you.
No! About Eric.
I mean, he was totally in the right
to kick Donna out.
Oh, he was not right.
Now, you agree with me!
No.
Agree with me.
No! Donna broke his heart,
and now she should have to pay.
- Chex Mix?
- Oh, thank you, Donna.
Oh, we are so not talking.
- All right, Jack...
- I said, not talking!
- Well done.
- All right, Fez. The...
I said, well done!
Oh, there are
all my friends.
Hey, Donna,
I found these socks of yours...
so I thought I'd just, you know,
run 'em right over.
Eric, you can't hang out here.
It's really uncomfortable, so...
Uncomfortable?
Who's uncomfortable?
Oh, fine.
Look, man, I'd go with you,
but, you know, it's cable.
Whatever.
Hey, want me to come by later
and tell you about the boobs?
No! Yeah.
It's Dave for you.
Yeah?
Fine. Right.
Okay.
You do not grunt
to a friend.
Friends don't grunt.
Okay, so I was over
at the Pinciottis'...
crouched behind the hedge next to the house,
and I distinctly heard laughter.
Laughter!
Well, I will tell you what.
I am not going down without a fight.
No, sirree, Bob.
Bob!
The kids really
like my jokes?
Oh.
Mr. Pinciotti, if you only knew
the number of times...
Donna's shared one of
your doozies with the gang.
Lordy, how we laugh and laugh.
And laugh.
Right. I'm goin'.
Okay.
But the tennis pro says...
"We don't serve
those kind of balls."
Welcome home, friends.
Who wants Popsicles?
Hey, I don't feel good
about this.
Well, would you rather be at Donna's singing
backup to "Cha Cha Di Amore"?
- Oh. Well, will you look who's here.
- That was a dirty trick, Forman.
Well, I'd love to stay and talk about it,
but we're on our way to the movies.
Yeah.
Fine. Then I'm taking them
bowling Saturday.
Yeah!
Fine.
Ooh, what a fun weekend.
Hey, look, you guys can't buy our loyalty
with these little field trips.
You're gonna have to start buying us
some stuff we can take home.
Well, look, I think it's stupid
to have to go day by day.
Why doesn't Donna
just get us on the weekends?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's not fair...
because then Eric gets
all the weekday headaches...
and Donna gets
all the fun time.
Fine. Then we'll make
a schedule. Eric?
Fine. Have a seat.
Make sure to schedule time
with Bob.
He takes me
to Chuckle Town.
So, um, what are you
and Dave gonna do today?
Go out to the garage and talk
friend to friend? That would be nice.
No. We're gonna turn on the fight
and watch two nice men...
beat the living hell
out of each other.
That's nice.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, come on in,
Pastor Dave.
Red and I are just so happy
that you are here.
- Especially Red.
- Kitty.
I want you to know that it is so nice
for Red to finally have a boyfriend.
For God sakes, Kitty!
Oh, lighten up, silly.
"Man friend." Whatever.
Someone to talk to,
share their feelings with.
Anyway, you are an important
part of Red's life.
Oh.
- Well...
- Wait. No. Don't listen to her.
I don't really want to share
my feelings with you.
Hell, I don't even think
I have feelings.
Now, let's just watch these two guys
beat the crap out of each other.
Sold!
Well, I don't care
what you say.
You're boyfriends,
and that's nice.
You know, Red, I am so glad
that I have someone to share with...
because I woke up this morning
feeling upset.
Ha-ha! I gotcha!
Good one, Dave.
Good one!
Don't ever do that again.
I'm just saying, Forman...
you really didn't deliver
on the afternoon like I was hoping.
Dude, I took you everywhere.
I bought everything.
It was a great day.
I don't know, man. I mean, I asked you for
a six-pack. You brought me out a tall boy.
I'm just saying.
Fine. Whatever.
They're all yours.
Twenty minutes late.
Sorry. We had to stop
so Fez could pee.
Yes, it was my fault.
Please do not fight.
Eric, listen, travel time should come out
of your time, not mine.
What's on Fez's face?
Nothing. Nothing.
Is that ice cream?
Now he won't want dinner!
I am sorry I ate
ice cream, Donna.
- Do not be mad.
- Oh.
Fez, I'm mad at Eric,
not at you.
This is not about you.
Listen, I'm not about to limit
our good time to help with yours.
- Why would you do anything to help me?
- Oh, you listen, missy.
- I'm not gonna...
- Stop it! Stop it!
You are tearing us apart!
I hope you're happy.
Now you've upset Fez.
Yeah, and your fighting is
making me and Jackie fight...
and that interferes
with us doing it.
And that ain't good.
So, until you guys fix this, we're not
hanging out with either one of you. Let's go.
Hyde, I'm sticky.
Come on.
Let's get you cleaned up.
And I'm sleepy.
I know.
You had a big day!
This is your fault.
None of this would have happened...
if you hadn't been such a jerk
and kicked me out of the basement.
Well, you came in
and you were just so...
"Oh, we broke up, and I don't care,
and, hey, let's just watch TV."
Eric, I was faking it.
I'm miserable and uncomfortable,
and this whole thing sucks.
You're miserable?
Well, that's great!
I mean, I'm miserable too.
Okay, so, how about this?
We just hang out together
and pretend everything's fine...
for, you know...
for the sake of our friends.
I can do that.
Okay.
But, you know,
You have to stop trying to
look so hot when you come over.
I have not been doing that.
Red lipstick, no bra?
Okay, yeah, I did that.
And, Fez,
you sit on the dryer.
Okay. This new seating arrangement
should really work.
There you kids are.
I think I finally remembered the punch line
to the Italian midget joke.
- My mom made fish.
- I gotta register for the draft.
- Me too.
- I gotta go count my G.I. Joes.
I'll be in the oven.
Wow. Tough room.
Donna, you look great.
What could it be?
Oh, I know. You lost
80 pounds of ugly fat.
Burn, Eric, burn!
Okay, first of all...
I weigh
a 130... 49... pounds.
Yeah.
You look good too, Eric.
You lost...
your one true love, so...
Looking good.
Eric, I found these records of yours,
and I thought you might want them back.
Ah, the unpleasant exchange of possessions
after the horrific breakup.
Awkward for them,
entertaining for us.
Whoa, whoa. Shut up.
Don Kirshner's starting.
Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings
are on tonight.
Okay, so... Okay,
we're all here now.
So... So, Donna,
you're staying?
Okay.
What I meant to say was...
Look, Donna, I don't think
it's cool if you hang out here.
So, what, you're,
like, kicking me out?
Wow.
Okay then. Bye.
Well, if you're kicking her out,
then you're kicking me out.
No, Jackie, no.
Oh, wait. I mean, bye!
So, it's just not fair.
He doesn't, like, get my friends...
'cause he has some stupid,
crappy basement.
Right! You helped make that
basement what it is today.
Right. No one would even
go over there before me.
It smelled like feet.
Donna, you have to fight back.
Okay, when a couple splits up...
the woman deserves her fair share
of the life she helped build.
- How much is that?
- All of it!
Donna, it's the law.
You know, normally, that statement
would really offend me.
But now that I'm single and pissed,
you're making a lot of sense.
And then she just comes down
in the basement like it's no big deal.
After what happened? And she's just gonna act
like everything's cool and everything's fine?
You don't love me,
you don't get my couch... or my friends.
I'm a package deal, baby!
So, I just told her, "Fire up those walking
sticks, Big Red, because this ain't happening.
I'm not having it."
Hey, Forman, we were all there,
and that ain't how it happened.
You wanna talk about it
some more?
Mmm, no.
- Hello, Kitty.
- Oh, Pastor Dave!
What a nice surprise.
How's... God?
Fine, thank you.
So, I was wondering if,
uh, Red was home.
Oh, no.
What did he do?
No. No, no, nothing.
I just thought...
he might like to, uh...
I don't know... goof off?
You want to
spend time with Red.
- Unless it's a bad time.
- Oh, no, no, no. This is a great time.
Oh, my God!
Red has a visitor!
Red, Pastor Dave's here!
For you! Hurry!
Oh, yeah. I ran into him
in the hardware store.
You know, he was gonna try to paint
his garage without priming.
That crazy bastard.
Oh, my.
Red has a friend.
Psst!
What are you guys doing today?
We're going to the basement.
Hmm. Sounds fun.
But you know what sounds
like even more fun?
Oh! Playing with a bunch
of monkeys?
Well, yeah.
But we got cable TV
at my house...
which we all know has the potential
for flashes of brief nudity.
Nudity!
Cable? Oh, you are so gonna
win this breakup!
Now, wait just a minute.
Eric is our friend,
our brother.
We cannot just abandon him for nude boobs.
Good point, Fez. This nudity you speak of,
are we talking full frontal?
- Does it matter?
- No. Let's go.
So, you have no idea
where everyone is?
Everyone who?
Hey, you got any Popsicles?
Donna's all out.
Oh, so that's how it is?
Everyone's over at Donna's?
Eric, man, I'm sorry.
And I know that we've been friends
for, like, a really long time...
but, uh, we were watching
Barbarella on cable.
Man, and I not only saw boobs,
but I saw boobs in space!
Yeah, space boobs, Eric!
There's no gravity!
She got cable?
That sneaky little wench.
No, no. And corn dogs.
Oh, dogs wrapped in corn.
Oh, sweet meat on a stick.
- Just go.
- Thank you.
"At Dave's.
Back around 5:00. Red."
Oh!
I hadn't realized before,
but the primer is like your emotions.
It's what's underneath
the surface.
And the rust
is like your anger.
Boy...
having a male companion
to talk to is changing my life.
I wish I could tell Kitty
exactly how I feel about her...
but I just
can't find the words.
I'll help you.
We'll find the words together.
Oh, sure...
sometimes I feel like crying,
but I just can't.
You can with me.
- Hey.
- Oh, hello.
So, how was your day?
What did you and your new friend do?
Well...
- So, that's all you did?
- Yep.
Well, you didn't talk
about anything?
Nope.
- Do you hate him?
- Kitty, don't start.
No, no, no. All I'm saying is,
people with friends live longer.
And you are not good
at keeping friends.
Bob's scared of you,
and Earl isn't speaking to you.
- What about Frank?
- Frank's dead.
Exactly.
It is time to replace
your dead friend Frank.
I win.
Oh, look,
there's a boob!
There's two.
Oh, wait. Four.
It's the mother lode.
Oh, man. Guy butt. Look away.
I feel kinda bad.
Hon, it's just guy butt.
It won't hurt you.
No! About Eric.
I mean, he was totally in the right
to kick Donna out.
Oh, he was not right.
Now, you agree with me!
No.
Agree with me.
No! Donna broke his heart,
and now she should have to pay.
- Chex Mix?
- Oh, thank you, Donna.
Oh, we are so not talking.
- All right, Jack...
- I said, not talking!
- Well done.
- All right, Fez. The...
I said, well done!
Oh, there are
all my friends.
Hey, Donna,
I found these socks of yours...
so I thought I'd just, you know,
run 'em right over.
Eric, you can't hang out here.
It's really uncomfortable, so...
Uncomfortable?
Who's uncomfortable?
Oh, fine.
Look, man, I'd go with you,
but, you know, it's cable.
Whatever.
Hey, want me to come by later
and tell you about the boobs?
No! Yeah.
It's Dave for you.
Yeah?
Fine. Right.
Okay.
You do not grunt
to a friend.
Friends don't grunt.
Okay, so I was over
at the Pinciottis'...
crouched behind the hedge next to the house,
and I distinctly heard laughter.
Laughter!
Well, I will tell you what.
I am not going down without a fight.
No, sirree, Bob.
Bob!
The kids really
like my jokes?
Oh.
Mr. Pinciotti, if you only knew
the number of times...
Donna's shared one of
your doozies with the gang.
Lordy, how we laugh and laugh.
And laugh.
Right. I'm goin'.
Okay.
But the tennis pro says...
"We don't serve
those kind of balls."
Welcome home, friends.
Who wants Popsicles?
Hey, I don't feel good
about this.
Well, would you rather be at Donna's singing
backup to "Cha Cha Di Amore"?
- Oh. Well, will you look who's here.
- That was a dirty trick, Forman.
Well, I'd love to stay and talk about it,
but we're on our way to the movies.
Yeah.
Fine. Then I'm taking them
bowling Saturday.
Yeah!
Fine.
Ooh, what a fun weekend.
Hey, look, you guys can't buy our loyalty
with these little field trips.
You're gonna have to start buying us
some stuff we can take home.
Well, look, I think it's stupid
to have to go day by day.
Why doesn't Donna
just get us on the weekends?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's not fair...
because then Eric gets
all the weekday headaches...
and Donna gets
all the fun time.
Fine. Then we'll make
a schedule. Eric?
Fine. Have a seat.
Make sure to schedule time
with Bob.
He takes me
to Chuckle Town.
So, um, what are you
and Dave gonna do today?
Go out to the garage and talk
friend to friend? That would be nice.
No. We're gonna turn on the fight
and watch two nice men...
beat the living hell
out of each other.
That's nice.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, come on in,
Pastor Dave.
Red and I are just so happy
that you are here.
- Especially Red.
- Kitty.
I want you to know that it is so nice
for Red to finally have a boyfriend.
For God sakes, Kitty!
Oh, lighten up, silly.
"Man friend." Whatever.
Someone to talk to,
share their feelings with.
Anyway, you are an important
part of Red's life.
Oh.
- Well...
- Wait. No. Don't listen to her.
I don't really want to share
my feelings with you.
Hell, I don't even think
I have feelings.
Now, let's just watch these two guys
beat the crap out of each other.
Sold!
Well, I don't care
what you say.
You're boyfriends,
and that's nice.
You know, Red, I am so glad
that I have someone to share with...
because I woke up this morning
feeling upset.
Ha-ha! I gotcha!
Good one, Dave.
Good one!
Don't ever do that again.
I'm just saying, Forman...
you really didn't deliver
on the afternoon like I was hoping.
Dude, I took you everywhere.
I bought everything.
It was a great day.
I don't know, man. I mean, I asked you for
a six-pack. You brought me out a tall boy.
I'm just saying.
Fine. Whatever.
They're all yours.
Twenty minutes late.
Sorry. We had to stop
so Fez could pee.
Yes, it was my fault.
Please do not fight.
Eric, listen, travel time should come out
of your time, not mine.
What's on Fez's face?
Nothing. Nothing.
Is that ice cream?
Now he won't want dinner!
I am sorry I ate
ice cream, Donna.
- Do not be mad.
- Oh.
Fez, I'm mad at Eric,
not at you.
This is not about you.
Listen, I'm not about to limit
our good time to help with yours.
- Why would you do anything to help me?
- Oh, you listen, missy.
- I'm not gonna...
- Stop it! Stop it!
You are tearing us apart!
I hope you're happy.
Now you've upset Fez.
Yeah, and your fighting is
making me and Jackie fight...
and that interferes
with us doing it.
And that ain't good.
So, until you guys fix this, we're not
hanging out with either one of you. Let's go.
Hyde, I'm sticky.
Come on.
Let's get you cleaned up.
And I'm sleepy.
I know.
You had a big day!
This is your fault.
None of this would have happened...
if you hadn't been such a jerk
and kicked me out of the basement.
Well, you came in
and you were just so...
"Oh, we broke up, and I don't care,
and, hey, let's just watch TV."
Eric, I was faking it.
I'm miserable and uncomfortable,
and this whole thing sucks.
You're miserable?
Well, that's great!
I mean, I'm miserable too.
Okay, so, how about this?
We just hang out together
and pretend everything's fine...
for, you know...
for the sake of our friends.
I can do that.
Okay.
But, you know,
You have to stop trying to
look so hot when you come over.
I have not been doing that.
Red lipstick, no bra?
Okay, yeah, I did that.
And, Fez,
you sit on the dryer.
Okay. This new seating arrangement
should really work.
There you kids are.
I think I finally remembered the punch line
to the Italian midget joke.
- My mom made fish.
- I gotta register for the draft.
- Me too.
- I gotta go count my G.I. Joes.
I'll be in the oven.
Wow. Tough room.