That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 2 - Eric's Depression - full transcript

Hey, Mrs. Forman.
Hey, Red.

Hello, boys.
You're up bright and early this morning.

Yeah.
We're going to Funland!

It's super fun!

Oh, Red, remember how we used
to take Eric there when he was little?

Remember how I used to get on
the roller-coaster with him...

and then,just before we took off,
I'd jump out and wave good-bye?

Boy, did he scream.

Well, it sounds like fun.

Super fun!

And we figured Eric could use some fun,
you know, since he and Donna broke up.



- What?
- Broke up?

Yeah, I heard Donna
dumped his ass.

That's funny.
I heard Eric was the one who dumped Donna.

- Sure, he did.
- I don't think so.
- Yeah, right.

Well, Eric must be just a wreck.

( Radio:Man Singing
Self-pitying Ballad )

- ( Frequencies Tuning )
- ( Same Song )

- ( Frequencies Tuning )
- ( Same Song )

Fine.
I'll just listen to A.M.

( '50s Rock Ballad )

That's just cruel.

( Stops )

( Resumes )

Hangin'out



Down the street

The same old thing

We did last week

Not a thing to do

But talk to you

We're all all right

We're all all right

Hello, Wisconsin.!

Come on, Forman.
Get out of bed.

Yes, we have to go to Funland
before all the fun is gone.

I'm not going.

( Groans )

- Geez.
- Forman, man, snap out of it.

So you had one of the hottest chicks
in Point Place and you blew it.

Could be worse.
( Chuckles )

No, it couldn't.

Eric, it's not all bad.

Think about Bob being
your father-in-law.

That guy'd be in all
your wedding pictures.

Guys, I don't want
to talk about Donna...

and I don't want to go to Funland.

Fine. If you're not going with us,
we'll stay here with you.

We're not going to Funland?

Don't...

touch the G.I.Joes.

- Hey, Eric, did you-
- Hey, buddy, can we not talk?

Thanks.

Fine.
We're going to Funland.

Good. Go.

You know what?
I'm glad you are not going to Funland...

because you will suck the fun
right out of it.

And then-And then it would
just be called ''Landland.''

I'm sorry. I'll get you
a candy apple, okay?

Okay, okay, I got Eric out of bed.
He's on his way down.

Now remember,
don't say anything about Donna.

He'll talk
when he's ready.

Okay.

Gee, Son, you look like
you've just been dumped.

I wasn't dumped, okay?

We broke up.

Yeah, well, run it off.

Do you want to
talk about it, honey?

No.

Okay.

Are you sure?

Yes. Yes, I'm sure.

Okay. Let's not talk.
( Laughs )

Eric, you are a handsome young man
with a lot to offer.

Okay.
Can I go now?

No, no, no.
Not until you eat.

You look like you
haven't eaten for a week.

Oh, come on, Kitty.
He always looks like that.

Well, maybe so.

But he won't have the strength
to get over Donna if he doesn't eat.

( Groans )
Fine!

I'll eat.

Just no more
talking about Donna.

For one minute,
I'd like to not...

think about Donna.

No Donna.

( Grunts )

- Red, you should go talk to him.
- What?

Why me?

Because I don't really know
how to mend a broken heart.

I've never been dumped.

Oh, I don't believe that.

Why not?

Well, there are certain things
about you that are annoying...

that other people might not
have been as tolerant of.

You're bald!

See? Like that!

( Calliope )

Okay, Michael,
we have to stay together.

Every time we come here
you get lost.

Damn,Jackie,
there's fun around every corner.

Michael, what are the rules?

Uh, no hitting you from
behind with the bumper cars.

And?

And...

no riding the goats
at the petting zoo.

And?

- We have to stay together, Michael!
- Fine!

- Balloons!
- Stay!

Hey there, kids!

I'm Woofy, the Funland Dog, and I'm here
to make sure that you have fun, fun, fun!

Touch me like that again...

you're gonna eat your Alpo
through a straw, straw, straw!

Oh. Okeydokey.

Well, I'm going down to the saloon
to look for the guy who shot my paw.

( Laughing, Howling )

Oh, my God!
That was Woofy, and he talked to us!

Guys, we gotta pick a place to meet
in case we split up.

How about the corner
of Fun Street and Fun Boulevard?

I mean, that should be easy enough
for even Michael to remember.

Michael?

- Great. Now we'll never find him.
- Sure we will.

All we have to do is show people his picture,
and they'll help us find him.

You have a picture
of Kelso in your wallet?

Of course.
I carry pictures of all my friends.

You're friends
with Nipsey Russell?

I want to be.

I know he's in there.
Go talk to him.

- I don't want to.
- Fine.

But when I broke up with Archie Wilkins,
he lived with his parents until he was 40.

Good God, Kitty.

That's another 23 years!

All right.
I'm going in.

Hey, Eric.

How you doin'?

Dad, I'm really not
in the mood for conversation.

Good. Then I'll talk
and you listen.

I ever tell you the story...

about Larry ''No Foot'' Mulligan?

Well, I can guess.

He had no foot?

Larry was a buddy of mine
who lost his foot during the war.

And then, on his way
back to the States...

ol' One Foot-

at that point
we were calling him One Foot-

had his ship go down...

and a shark
ate his other foot.

But he made it
all the way back home.

And do you know what happened to him
when he got here?

He overcame his handicap...

and, ironically,
became a shoe salesman?

No.

His girlfriend dumped him.

Well, thank God
it had a happy ending.

Look, the point of the story is,
you've got both feet.

You'll be fine.

Now, put some shoes on,
go on down and trim the hedges.

Yeah. Well, you know,
I think I'm just gonna stay up here.

Yeah. Well, you know,
I think you're not.

Hi.
Have you seen him?

His name is Kelso.

Kelso's trapped in a box?

Hey!
Fez, check it out.

''Fun University.''

Now check out the back.

''F.U.''

I don't get it.

F.U., man.

F.U.!

Oh, right.
''Fu.''

That's a good one.
That's a good one.

I tried to look for Michael,
but I can't see over the crowd.

I wish Donna was here.
She's a giant.

Don't remind me.

I asked her and asked her and asked her
to come, and she just kept saying...

''Get out of my bathroom, Fez!''

Well, we still have to find Michael.
What time is it?

Did someone ask
what time it is?

Why, here in Funland,
it's always ''Fun o'clock!''

( Barbershop Quartet )

( Answering In Song )

Yeah, yeah,
thanks a lot, you morons.

( Stops )

Hey, you guys wouldn't happen
to know what time it is, would you?

( Answering In Song )

( Laughs )
Oh, yeah!

- Rock on!
- ( Ends )

I thought we were in love.

Oh, God.

And then it all
just blows apart.

And all that's left
is this big hole, you know?

Uh, no, I don't.

Oh! But there is
a gopher hole out back.

And if you shove the hose down
and flush him out...

I'll stand at the other end
and hit him in the head with a shovel.

Uh-huh.
Just go, Dad.

Thanks.
Thank you.

Well, I see sunshine outside,
but I don't see sunshine inside.

Wanna talk about
the breakup, Bambi?

No, Dad, I don't
want to talk about it.

You know, we were happy.

But he had to push me.

He had to define everything
and get his little ring on me.

By the time it was over,
we weren't even together anymore.

I'm fine.

Son of a bitch.

( Clears Throat )
Listen, when you're done-

I know, I know.
Put the bags on the curb.

- Hey.
- ''Hey''?

Is that all you have
to say to me?

Well, what do you
have to say to me?

Huh.

How about this?
''Hey.''

- I'm not wrong!
- You are wrong, you dill-hole!

Oh, great. That's nice.
That's really mature.

Double dill-hole!

''Double dill-hole''?

Oh, geez! You were outside.
You were happy.

Why are you back in bed?

Well, I guess all
that fresh air...

got me thinking
that I'd rather be in bed.

Yeah, well, get up.
It's time to go to work.

Fine.

Oh, and, uh, you don't have
to worry about that gopher.

It's as dead
as you and Donna.

Too soon, huh?

I can't believe you two.

Poor Michael is lost, and all you've done
is gone on rides and have fun.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
The Funland Princess!

The Funland Princess?

I haven't been
on that ride yet.

So, I figured this is the lost and found
and I lost my friends...

so they're bound to show up here
sooner or later.

Right?

I miss my friends.

''I miss my friends.''

- What?
- ''What?''

- Stop it.
- ''Stop it.''

- Stop copying me!
- ''Stop copying me!''

- I'm stupid.
- You're stupid.

Damn it!

Hey, how about
that new cashier at work?

Not bad, huh?

Single too.

- Dad, I'm not-
- What?

Is it the braces?

Well...

you know what helps a fella
get over a gal?

Pimiento loaf.
( Laughing )

( Groans )

What happened here, Red?
I thought you were gonna help him.

Kitty, I yelled at him all day.

I don't know
what else to do.

Well, how did you get through
your first breakup?

What's to get over?

It happened.
I took it like a man.

She was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Oh, Eloise.

Oh, Eloise!
( Sobbing )

My life is over!

Yup. ( Clears Throat )
Took it like a man.

That was
the House of Mirrors?

I have more mirrors
than that in my purse.

Why is everyone leaving?

Oh, my God.
What time is it?

Did someone ask
what time it is?

Yeah, we know.
It's fun o'clock. Get killed.

No, it's closing time, kids.
Time for you to go.

But, Woofy,
we still haven't found our friend.

Yeah? Well, golly gee, that's just too-
Come on! Get out!

- Except for you! ( Barking )
- ( Screams )

( Laughing )

( Yelps )

- All right. Let's go.
- What about Michael?

Look, there's been lost dogs
who've traveled hundreds of miles...

to be reunited
with their families.

Now, Kelso
is not as smart as that...

but I'm sure he can make it
the 1 2 miles back to Forman's.

So, me and this girl Eloise
were together for a while.

Everything was great.

But when things started getting serious,
she dumped me.

Man, that-
that hurt like hell.

- Did you cry?
- No!

No, no.

But there were times when I thought
I would never get over it.

But time passed.

I moved on.

And then the day came when
I didn't think about her as much.

Then a couple more days came along,
and, why, I thought about her even less.

Then one day,
I didn't think about her at all.

And then that made me sad.

We've got a little Irish in us,
don't we, Dad?

Yes, we do.

It's just-

It hurts.
You know?

Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days
to pull yourself together.

You can stay in bed and sleep.
Watch TV.

Whatever you need to do.

Thank you, Dad.

And, you know...

not that it matters,
but Donna didn't dump me.

I broke up with her.

Whatever you need to tell yourself
to make it better.

Thanks a lot for the ride,
Mrs. Anderson.

Hey, Einstein,
you gonna eat that ice cream?

My name's not Einstein.

It's Kelso.
And, yeah, I'm gonna eat it.

( Hawks, Spits )

- That's it.
- ( Tires Squeal )

- ( Kelso Hawks )
- Get out!

- They started it!
- Get out!

( Grumbles )

See ya, Einstein.

It's not Einstein!
It's Kelso!