That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 5 - Bye Bye Basement - full transcript

Steven, it's 7-damn-30
in the morning.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Red, be nice.

Steven, we're waiting.

Oh, I've been living
in the basement.

You know, I did notice a dusting
of curly hair on the floor...

but I just wrote it off to
my changing teenage body.

I moved back in when
my dad got transferred.

Transferred?
He's a bartender.

Where'd he get transferred to,
the jukebox?

You know, Red, if it's cool,
I'd kinda rather not talk about it.



Well, Steven, it's important
to get these things out in the open.

Kitty, let him
do what's natural...

and keep his feelings
bottled up.

Attaboy.

Well...

Welcome back,
Steven.

You know, maybe we can
spruce up your old room...

since I decided
to redo the basement.

What? You're redoing
the basement?

Well, honey,
no one uses it.

I use it.
Every day.

It's my Batcave.

I'll find you
a good, cheap contractor.

Oh, no, no, no. This is something
I want to handle myself.



- This is going to be expensive, isn't it?
- Maybe.

Don't you like
anything cheap?

I like you.

Yeah, I'm gonna
miss it down here.

A lot of good times.

I broke my foot
climbing out of this dryer.

Yeah, I hit my head playing handball
with the soap in that shower.

Me and Jackie totally did it, like,
a bajillion times on this old sofa.

Michael, that's private.

I got news for you.
It wasn't that private.

Oh, my God! That is
the biggest spider I have ever seen.

I think it had a rat
in its mouth.

Okay, I think maybe the basement
isn't the place for me after all.

Oh, you know what, Mom?
I think you might be right.

I mean, not only is it bug-infested,
but in all honesty...

I think it
might be haunted.

Get out.

That's spooky.

I don't know, Mrs. Forman.
I mean, sure, it's a pit now...

but if you paint, fumigate and get rid
of Eric, this could be a great room.

Hey, wh...
Hey, okay.

You're not
my girlfriend anymore. Okay?

So you don't get an opinion
on my stuff now.

Mom, don't listen to her.
She's crazy.

Wait, I disagree with you,
so I'm crazy?

I think the last time I disagreed
with you was the sanest thing I ever did.

Okay, are you referring
to our breakup?

Because I must remind everyone that she wore
my promise ring around her neck.

That's crazy.

Ring, finger.
Finger, ring.

- Well, you're lucky I didn't shove the ring up your ass.
- Mom!

All right. Wait.
Who said, "Get out"?

Anyway, Mrs. Forman, we have a bunch of
decorating magazines at home.

- I'll bring 'em over.
- Well, thank you, Donna.

And I think that ring
looked nice around your neck.

Donna, what the hell?
What, we're not going out anymore...

so you don't
like my basement?

Well, I guess now that
I'm an ex-girlfriend...

I'm free to tell
the truth.

Free at last!
Free at last!

Whoo!

- Michael, get Eric some ice.
- Why?

For that wicked burn!
Burn, Eric! Burn!

Oh, happy day.

Your friend Fez has taken his love of dance
to its logical conclusion.

I have joined
a ballet class.

Man, no offense, but you're,
like, one good cry away...

from being
the total woman.

Oh, really? Well,
would a total woman...

have her own
pink satin slippers?

Oh, Red, here. Um,
meet our contractors.

This is Theo and...

Hey, Mr. Eric's Dad.

This is who you hired
to redo our basement?

Well, no, no.
Actually, I hired Theo.

And, uh, I didn't
really expect Leo.

That was, um...
That was a bonus.

Here.
Shoo, Leo.

Don't worry, ma'am.
Leo is solid.

And he's not allowed to
touch anything electrical.

Kitty, I hate to
interfere...

I understand
your concern, sir.

But I'm not an irresponsible
screwup like my cousin Leo.

That's true, man.

I used to be like Leo, sitting
around all day, wasting my life.

But then one day
the smoke cleared.

See, Red?
He had an epiphany.

Actually, I ran out of weed,
and the smoke cleared.

But, uh...

Then I saw how trashed
my apartment was, so I rebuilt it.

Been a contractor
ever since.

Well, I'm sold.

Okay, Donna, when did you
stop liking my basement?

I never liked it. There were a lot of things
I kept to myself when we were dating.

Yeah, well...

there were plenty of
things I kept to myself.

Plenty.

Like what,
for instance?

I'm sure Donna would
like to know.

Yeah, like what,
for instance?

Well, like...

Why don't...
you just start first?

Okay.

You know how when you eat, and you
smack your lips in that really cute way?

Yeah.

It's disgusting.

That's all you got?

No. You have
tiny wrists.

What?

No, I don't.

Mom, do I have
tiny wrists?

No, not tiny.
Dainty.

No, no, no.
No, no.

The doctor always said
you were in the normal range.

See? Normal,
Big Bone Magoo.

Ooh. That's nice.

You don't have to
tell me.

It's really cool you're here.
Most men won't take ballet class.

Oh, my pet,
most men are not Fez.

This whole basement thing
is Donna's fault.

I mean, what's her problem?
She's been messing with me all day.

- It could be payback.
- For what?

Well, she had to see
you naked for two years.

That must've
been unpleasant.

You know, for a guy who's been orphaned
twice, you really lack compassion.

Speaking of
hurtful things...

Hey, where's
your dad, man?

Okay.

He, uh...

He went to work
for the police...

developing high-tech handcuffs
to restrain people with tiny wrists.

Hey, uh,
puffy-shirt guy called.

He wants his puffy shirt back.

Things at ballet class have
taken a turn for the worse.

Somehow, I've become
one of the girls...

a hairy, brown girl.

Hey, uh, Fez...

does that shirt come with
its own bicycle pump?

You should talk.
That shirt makes you look like...

a stick of
Fruit Stripe gum.

God, what did you have
for breakfast this morning...

Carnation Instant Bitch?

Okay, that one
was out of the park.

I am so bored with you two.

You know what? I actually
want to talk about Fez.

Fez, why don't the women
at ballet love you?

I don't know. They let me touch
their thighs but not their hearts.

You know what might help?

If you dressed
a little more masculine.

Hey, Hyde, you know what
my favorite ballet is?

The Nutcracker?

Hey, guys.

Don't you think it's time to knock off?
You know, maybe forever?

Yeah, well, we're not done yet.
Don't let us get in your way.

Do whatever
you'd normally do.

This is what you normally do?

I used to do this, too,
back when I was being an artist.

I love art.

But I hate work.
But...

I love art.

But I hate work.

Do you hear that, Forman?

Theo's an artist
who hates work...

and who at this moment...

is very open to suggestion.

Oh. I gotcha, Hyde.

Theo, cluck like a chicken.

Do it. Ow!

Oh.

Theo, if you're unhappy,
and I hope you are...

you gotta be true
to yourself.

Give up construction, man.
Go back to art.

You broke up with Art?

I don't know
what Eric's problem is.

I wasn't being a bitch,
was I?

Oh. Donna, I know from bitch,
and yes... yes, you were.

But I feel much
closer to you now.

All right. Okay.
I know what's going on here.

You're being mean to Eric
because you wanna do it with him.

When Jackie dumped me,
I had a buttload...

of leftover "wanting to
do it with her" feelings.

Oh, my God.

You morons
might be right.

But why do I have these
stupid feelings left over?

I just want to be
friends with him now.

What a child.

So innocent.

You're never gonna
be friends with him.

The only reason he was friends with you
was so he could do it with you.

Really? So he made friends
with me when I was five...

so he could do it
with me when I was 17?

Well, that and your
sweet Big Wheel.

Okay, off to
ballet class now.

More masculine, yes?

Okay.
We're all done.

But you've only
been here a day.

Well, you know what they say:
Rome was built in a day.

No. Uh, "Rome wasn't
built in a day."

Oh? Well, your basement
was built in a day.

Ta-da.

Y-You didn't
do anything.

It's a commentary.

See, you wanted to change your basement
into something that it wasn't.

So instead of giving you something
that you thought you wanted...

I gave you something
that you needed.

Red, I think
my contractor's on dope.

No need to thank me.

Oh, we won't.

Because you didn't
do anything, hophead.

Look! It's art!

I moved everything
in this basement...

two inches to the left.

Oh, yeah.

I call it "Basement...
Two Inches to the Left."

It's wild, huh?

I mean, it's like...
Where are you?

All right.

Mrs. Eric's Mother
would like you to leave now.

Okay, you don't get it.

But when your life shifts
two inches to the left...

you're gonna
call me.

Oh, yes. You are
gonna call me!

And if you like our work,
tell your friends, okay?

Well, well, well.

- Look who finally got his basement back.
- Yep.

Outwitted two hippie burnouts.

Walk tall.

So, hey, Hyde.

Come on.
Where's your dad? Really.

Fine. You want to know?

He and my mom
got back together.

No way.
No way.

That's great.
So, where are they?

I can't tell you.

- Why not?
- 'Cause they won't tell me.

They split on you?

Oh, man.

Oh, man. See, this is why
I didn't wanna tell you.

I knew you'd get all
After School Special on me.

Me?

Please.

It's okay.

You're home now.

- Get off me, man.
- No, you let me love you, orphan boy!

Don't hide
from your feelings!

- So, hey.
- Hey.

Look, I'm sorry
I've been so...

Bitchy?

Yeah, I hadn't noticed.
Who said "bitchy"?

Yeah, well, it turns out
that there are some...

lingering feelings
or something.

Not real feelings...
just, like, lingering urges.

But they're just lingering feelings.
They're not actual feelings.

I just wanna make that
very clear.

You have. By using the word "lingering,"
like, six times.

Okay.

And the basement's
actually really cool.

And your wrists
are very wide.

Hmm.

Um, there must be some way
to break the tension here.

Oh, I know.
Let's just have sex.

- Okay.
- Really?

No. See ya.

Like I wanted to.

I did want to.