That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 23 - Hyde's Birthday - full transcript
After Red grossly insults Hyde trough a misunderstanding on his birthday, Kitty decides to throw him a real surprise party for his 18th, at neighbor Bob's place, but Steven seriously tries to make clear he doesn't want to celebrate the end of his youth, and maybe moving out. The kids think up a cool gift, and Kelso had the winning idea: a stolen street sign, but steeling it is hell even on his beloved van. Red enjoys pointing out to Hyde the cumbersome duties of manhood...
Any good mail?
Well, we got the new
Yarn Barn catalog.
And the model is
showing cleavage?
You know, if I want that in my house,
I will watch McMillan and Wife.
Oh, Steven got a letter
from Department of Motor Vehicles.
What?
Another damn ticket?
Hey, screw-head!
Why is the D.M.V.
sending you letters?
Screw-head. Hey, screw-head.
No, no, no.
You're screw-head.
I'm just called "boy."
I got a letter
from the D.M.V.?
Oh, my God.
It's about the cow.
Did I say "cow"?
Because what I meant
was countdown...
countdown to better driving.
I think what Eric's trying
to say is, he hit a cow.
Wait...
Well, I had
the right-of-way!
Go ahead.
Open it, hot rod.
You know, you are
the most irresponsible...
careless, no-account, undisc...
Oh, it's a license renewal
for my 18th birthday.
Oh.
Happy birthday!
Guess who gets 18 hugs the day
before his 18th birthday?
One, two...
Everyone!
- Three, four, five...
- Okay.
- Six, seven, eight...
- Okay. All right, all right!
Thanks, Mrs. Forman,
but you can drop it.
I'm not really into birthdays,
especially this one.
- Oh, no, you don't! Nine, ten...
- Get off me, spaz!
Oh, Steven likes birthdays.
He just doesn't know it.
Which is why we're throwing him
a surprise party.
Now, I need two helpers with keen
feminine sensibilities to help decorate.
Jackie and Fez.
Yea.
What the hell?
I'm feminine.
I should kick her ass
for that.
Hey, Jackie, while you're up
there, try not to kiss any more guys!
Man, are you guys
still fighting about that?
You gotta come down hard
on stuff like this.
If she'd have come down harder on me
when I was cheating, I would've...
Well, I would have been
way sneakier about it.
You know what, you guys?
Eighteen is a big deal.
We ought to get Hyde,
like, the perfect Hyde gift.
So, you know what? Let's try to put
ourselves in a total Hyde state of mind.
Yeah.
Okay, now, what
would Hyde want?
Something... stolen.
Stolen's good.
But you know what's better?
Stolen and dirty!
So what's a good gift
for Hyde that's stolen and dirty?
Someone else's pig!
No, no, wait!
I got it! I got it!
A street sign.
We'll steal it,
so it'll be stolen...
and it's dirty,
so it'll be dirty.
Oh, my God.
Kelso just solved
his first word problem. Ohh!
Yeah, I learned those
in Miss Carter's class...
'cause I knew if I got one right
that'd she'd give me a hug.
No bra and they
were always pointy.
Now, that's good teachin'.
No problem.
You can have Hyde's party here.
There's only one thing I ask.
Can I come?
The party's at your house, Bob.
Of course you're invited.
Oh, boy, I'm in!
I'll get my
Anne Murray albums!
Okay, now, you two.
I want this party to look nice.
So, um, balloons, streamers...
whatever makes Steven forget
he has no parents.
So, Fez, how do you want
to decorate this place?
- Well, what I'm thinking...
- No, no, no. I want Arabian Nights...
veils, Persian rugs.
Uh-huh.
One question, Jackie.
Is this a party for Hyde,
or a bunch of whores in a whorehouse?
Oh, yeah. Check it out!
"High Street."
Oh, man.
Hyde's gonna love this.
- Here, Donna, I'll give you a boost.
- Okay.
One, two, three.
Oh, yeah!
Fingers!
- Oh!
- Come on, Eric. I'll give you a boost.
No way.
Why not?
Because you'll throw me.
What? No, I won't!
Yeah, I will.
Look. How about we stand on top
of the van and reach it?
I think not!
We'll dent the roof.
I don't want nothin'
to happen to the "love bus."
Okay, I got it.
I got a better idea.
Okay, just make sure
it's tight.
Right. Okay,
you're good to go.
Well, at least
the roof's okay.
Steven!
I thought you were at work.
Not till later.
Why are you baking
so many cupcakes?
I had four dozen eggs.
They were gonna go bad.
Mrs. Forman, I don't want a party.
And I'm not saying that
because I'm fishing for a party.
I mean,
I don't want a party.
- Uh-huh.
- 'Cause I know how this family works.
You guys say you don't want stuff
that you actually want.
Like on Mother's Day.
You said you didn't want a fuss.
But you did want a fuss.
So we made a fuss, and you were happy?
That can drive a guy nuts.
It really can.
So now, I don't know
what to do...
or say or not say...
because I really
don't want a party.
Well, I don't wanna
do anything you don't want.
See, I don't know
what that means!
Well, it means
there's no party.
Oh, please. Would I lie to you
about making you a party?
I am hurt.
Fine.
Okay. I'm sorry.
- You lied.
- No, no.
I said, "Would I lie?"
It was very tricky.
I was like Houdini, but with words.
The base of the sign's
all cracked.
So all we have to do is shove this
firecracker in there, and blammo!
The sign comes down.
Wow, it could actually work...
if the base were
made of pudding!
If the base were made
of pudding, Eric...
we could just
pull the sign right out.
Okay, get ready to run!
Huh.
Must be a dud.
Go find out.
- Why me?
- 'Cause you're super skinny.
If it blows up, you got the best chance
of having stuff not hit you.
True, but on
the other hand...
no one would be surprised
if you blew yourself up.
That's a good point.
Oh, just move.
Here, you big babies.
Okay, what you just did,
just there?
That was so hot.
I'd follow your fine behind
into combat any day.
All right, look. If we got Red's
tools, I bet I could cut down that pole.
Casey showed me how
to saw through rebar.
Our second date.
Wow. I love those stories.
Hey, I'll just sneak into your garage,
grab the tools. Red'll never know.
Okay, but you gotta
be really quiet.
Come on. It's me we're talking about.
I'm like a cat.
Red.
Hey.
You're wonderin' why I'm goin'
through your stuff.
Okay. That's...
See, I needed,
uh, to borrow...
your saw...
because I need
to chop down a tree.
Because there's something
stuck in it.
An animal. A rabbit.
There's a rabbit
stuck in a tree.
And I want to return
that rabbit to the wild...
so it can lay its eggs.
Kelso, rabbits don't...
How the hell did
a rabbit get up a tree?
Uh, Eric threw it
up there.
Eric threw a rabbit
up a tree?
Yeah.
He's a sadistic bastard.
You know he hit a cow?
You know, you've been in
a bad mood all night, man.
I'm gonna cheer you up.
Ah, boo!
Ah, boo!
Aw, you don't know
what's funny.
Oh, hey, uh, I can work
tomorrow night if you want me to.
You're not working tomorrow, man.
It's your birthday.
Yeah, man, my 18th birthday.
Otherwise known as the beginning of the end.
The black hole, man.
It's the death march.
Look, if there's a war,
I could get drafted.
If there's a war, I'll see you in Canada.
That's not the point, Leo.
I mean, there's other stuff too, you know.
Hey, don't get snippy
with me, man.
Hyde, we need you
to settle an argument.
I'm sure you know by now that
we're throwing you a party.
What party?
Okay, I'm sure
you know by now...
that we're throwing
you a party.
So, what kind of theme
would you like?
Throw whatever party you want, man.
I'm not gonna be there.
Well, if that's his attitude,
I don't wanna do anything. I quit.
You can't quit on me.
I quit on you...
you bossy little midget.
Don't even.
- What the hell?
- No! No!
Excuse me,
little boy with glasses.
That's our sign.
Um, excuse me,
big dork with Farrah hair.
No, it isn't.
"Farrah hair"?
If I look like any of the Charlie's Angels,
it's Jaclyn Smith!
Wow, that's true.
Hey, there, little fella.
What if I told you
that I had $20...
for a special someone
if they gave us the sign?
- Nope.
- A month's supply of candy?
- Nope.
- What if...
I show you my bra strap?
Okay.
Okay!
Here.
I bet if I showed him my whole bra,
he would have given me his bike.
These things are awesome.
That was hot.
Man, why is she
so hot today?
'Cause you can't have her,
'cause you lost her, 'cause you're stupid.
Wait. Um, Jackie cheated on you,
right, with a little, tiny cheese guy?
Hey! Truce, okay?
- Yeah, I think that's best.
- Yeah.
Hey, if you hadn't
blown it with Donna...
- you'd probably be doin' it with her right now.
- Yeah!
You know who's probably doin' it?
Jackie, with the cheese guy.
We had a truce!
Wow.
Yeah, this place looks great.
Fez, Jackie,
the decorations are beautiful.
No. No, no, no, no.
They haven't
been here all day.
I did this because
I'm feminine too.
I'm a lady.
Why can't anyone freakin' see that?
Oh, honey, no.
It's perfect.
Okay, the next time I need a feminine touch,
I am using you and Fez.
What happened
to those cupcakes?
Bob, there were
a dozen cupcakes there.
I'm sorry, Red.
They're like vitamins to me.
Hey, you guys.
Bad news.
Hyde said he's not coming.
He's just sitting in the basement.
Oh, but it's his birthday.
He can't be alone on his birthday.
Red?
I agree. Eric, you go home
and sit with Steven.
Oh, okay, fine.
I'll go get him.
Surprise!
We got him, dudes.
All right. Get your butt up
those stairs and over to your party.
I'm not goin'.
Steven, you're 18 now.
It's time to start being a man.
And the first rule
to being a man is...
you gotta spend your life
doing crap you don't wanna do.
Like right now,
I don't wanna be here talkin' to you...
but I am.
And you don't wanna
go to a party...
but you will.
Actually, I won't.
What's the matter?
You don't like parties?
Me neither.
But as long as
you're livin' under my roof...
you'll do what
I tell you to do.
Well, lucky for me, I won't be
under your roof much longer anyway.
What the hell
you talkin' about?
Well, I'm 18.
I should be getting out of here, right?
I mean, that's what my dad did
and my uncle did and my cousins did.
They were all on their own
when they were my age.
What are they doin' now?
Uh, pumping gas, prison,
prison, dead, prison.
And the reason
you're living here...
is so you don't
end up like them.
But if you want to leave,
I can't stop you.
So, what's it gonna be, Steven?
Prison, death
or a birthday party?
I guess
I'll go to the party.
Thanks, Red.
You're welcome.
And, uh...
don't tell Eric that we had
this little conversation.
'Cause when he's 18,
he's out.
So, punch.
Yep.
Oh, fine.
Everybody, they're here!
They're... Shh! Shh!
Surprise!
You got me, dudes.
Wow, thanks.
Oh, happy birthday.
Damn, Jackie!
Stop kissing other guys!
Wow, this is great.
Did you get this at the flea market?
- The flea market?
- Yeah, they sell 'em there for two bucks.
No, we stole it.
It took forever.
I had to show my bra!
You owe me a bumper!
Now, I made this
for you. See?
It says "Steven"
on the front...
because I heard that having your name
on your clothes is cool.
Plus, if anybody finds it,
they can return it to you.
So, I won't be able
to lose it.
Great.
Put it on.
Do I have to?
You bet your ass.
Welcome to manhood.
Mrs. Forman...
I'm not really
a pi?ata kind of guy.
Oh, come on, Steven.
Everyone plays pi?ata.
Yeah, Steven.
Hit the jackass!
Ow! Hey!
Steven! Just listen...
Well, we got the new
Yarn Barn catalog.
And the model is
showing cleavage?
You know, if I want that in my house,
I will watch McMillan and Wife.
Oh, Steven got a letter
from Department of Motor Vehicles.
What?
Another damn ticket?
Hey, screw-head!
Why is the D.M.V.
sending you letters?
Screw-head. Hey, screw-head.
No, no, no.
You're screw-head.
I'm just called "boy."
I got a letter
from the D.M.V.?
Oh, my God.
It's about the cow.
Did I say "cow"?
Because what I meant
was countdown...
countdown to better driving.
I think what Eric's trying
to say is, he hit a cow.
Wait...
Well, I had
the right-of-way!
Go ahead.
Open it, hot rod.
You know, you are
the most irresponsible...
careless, no-account, undisc...
Oh, it's a license renewal
for my 18th birthday.
Oh.
Happy birthday!
Guess who gets 18 hugs the day
before his 18th birthday?
One, two...
Everyone!
- Three, four, five...
- Okay.
- Six, seven, eight...
- Okay. All right, all right!
Thanks, Mrs. Forman,
but you can drop it.
I'm not really into birthdays,
especially this one.
- Oh, no, you don't! Nine, ten...
- Get off me, spaz!
Oh, Steven likes birthdays.
He just doesn't know it.
Which is why we're throwing him
a surprise party.
Now, I need two helpers with keen
feminine sensibilities to help decorate.
Jackie and Fez.
Yea.
What the hell?
I'm feminine.
I should kick her ass
for that.
Hey, Jackie, while you're up
there, try not to kiss any more guys!
Man, are you guys
still fighting about that?
You gotta come down hard
on stuff like this.
If she'd have come down harder on me
when I was cheating, I would've...
Well, I would have been
way sneakier about it.
You know what, you guys?
Eighteen is a big deal.
We ought to get Hyde,
like, the perfect Hyde gift.
So, you know what? Let's try to put
ourselves in a total Hyde state of mind.
Yeah.
Okay, now, what
would Hyde want?
Something... stolen.
Stolen's good.
But you know what's better?
Stolen and dirty!
So what's a good gift
for Hyde that's stolen and dirty?
Someone else's pig!
No, no, wait!
I got it! I got it!
A street sign.
We'll steal it,
so it'll be stolen...
and it's dirty,
so it'll be dirty.
Oh, my God.
Kelso just solved
his first word problem. Ohh!
Yeah, I learned those
in Miss Carter's class...
'cause I knew if I got one right
that'd she'd give me a hug.
No bra and they
were always pointy.
Now, that's good teachin'.
No problem.
You can have Hyde's party here.
There's only one thing I ask.
Can I come?
The party's at your house, Bob.
Of course you're invited.
Oh, boy, I'm in!
I'll get my
Anne Murray albums!
Okay, now, you two.
I want this party to look nice.
So, um, balloons, streamers...
whatever makes Steven forget
he has no parents.
So, Fez, how do you want
to decorate this place?
- Well, what I'm thinking...
- No, no, no. I want Arabian Nights...
veils, Persian rugs.
Uh-huh.
One question, Jackie.
Is this a party for Hyde,
or a bunch of whores in a whorehouse?
Oh, yeah. Check it out!
"High Street."
Oh, man.
Hyde's gonna love this.
- Here, Donna, I'll give you a boost.
- Okay.
One, two, three.
Oh, yeah!
Fingers!
- Oh!
- Come on, Eric. I'll give you a boost.
No way.
Why not?
Because you'll throw me.
What? No, I won't!
Yeah, I will.
Look. How about we stand on top
of the van and reach it?
I think not!
We'll dent the roof.
I don't want nothin'
to happen to the "love bus."
Okay, I got it.
I got a better idea.
Okay, just make sure
it's tight.
Right. Okay,
you're good to go.
Well, at least
the roof's okay.
Steven!
I thought you were at work.
Not till later.
Why are you baking
so many cupcakes?
I had four dozen eggs.
They were gonna go bad.
Mrs. Forman, I don't want a party.
And I'm not saying that
because I'm fishing for a party.
I mean,
I don't want a party.
- Uh-huh.
- 'Cause I know how this family works.
You guys say you don't want stuff
that you actually want.
Like on Mother's Day.
You said you didn't want a fuss.
But you did want a fuss.
So we made a fuss, and you were happy?
That can drive a guy nuts.
It really can.
So now, I don't know
what to do...
or say or not say...
because I really
don't want a party.
Well, I don't wanna
do anything you don't want.
See, I don't know
what that means!
Well, it means
there's no party.
Oh, please. Would I lie to you
about making you a party?
I am hurt.
Fine.
Okay. I'm sorry.
- You lied.
- No, no.
I said, "Would I lie?"
It was very tricky.
I was like Houdini, but with words.
The base of the sign's
all cracked.
So all we have to do is shove this
firecracker in there, and blammo!
The sign comes down.
Wow, it could actually work...
if the base were
made of pudding!
If the base were made
of pudding, Eric...
we could just
pull the sign right out.
Okay, get ready to run!
Huh.
Must be a dud.
Go find out.
- Why me?
- 'Cause you're super skinny.
If it blows up, you got the best chance
of having stuff not hit you.
True, but on
the other hand...
no one would be surprised
if you blew yourself up.
That's a good point.
Oh, just move.
Here, you big babies.
Okay, what you just did,
just there?
That was so hot.
I'd follow your fine behind
into combat any day.
All right, look. If we got Red's
tools, I bet I could cut down that pole.
Casey showed me how
to saw through rebar.
Our second date.
Wow. I love those stories.
Hey, I'll just sneak into your garage,
grab the tools. Red'll never know.
Okay, but you gotta
be really quiet.
Come on. It's me we're talking about.
I'm like a cat.
Red.
Hey.
You're wonderin' why I'm goin'
through your stuff.
Okay. That's...
See, I needed,
uh, to borrow...
your saw...
because I need
to chop down a tree.
Because there's something
stuck in it.
An animal. A rabbit.
There's a rabbit
stuck in a tree.
And I want to return
that rabbit to the wild...
so it can lay its eggs.
Kelso, rabbits don't...
How the hell did
a rabbit get up a tree?
Uh, Eric threw it
up there.
Eric threw a rabbit
up a tree?
Yeah.
He's a sadistic bastard.
You know he hit a cow?
You know, you've been in
a bad mood all night, man.
I'm gonna cheer you up.
Ah, boo!
Ah, boo!
Aw, you don't know
what's funny.
Oh, hey, uh, I can work
tomorrow night if you want me to.
You're not working tomorrow, man.
It's your birthday.
Yeah, man, my 18th birthday.
Otherwise known as the beginning of the end.
The black hole, man.
It's the death march.
Look, if there's a war,
I could get drafted.
If there's a war, I'll see you in Canada.
That's not the point, Leo.
I mean, there's other stuff too, you know.
Hey, don't get snippy
with me, man.
Hyde, we need you
to settle an argument.
I'm sure you know by now that
we're throwing you a party.
What party?
Okay, I'm sure
you know by now...
that we're throwing
you a party.
So, what kind of theme
would you like?
Throw whatever party you want, man.
I'm not gonna be there.
Well, if that's his attitude,
I don't wanna do anything. I quit.
You can't quit on me.
I quit on you...
you bossy little midget.
Don't even.
- What the hell?
- No! No!
Excuse me,
little boy with glasses.
That's our sign.
Um, excuse me,
big dork with Farrah hair.
No, it isn't.
"Farrah hair"?
If I look like any of the Charlie's Angels,
it's Jaclyn Smith!
Wow, that's true.
Hey, there, little fella.
What if I told you
that I had $20...
for a special someone
if they gave us the sign?
- Nope.
- A month's supply of candy?
- Nope.
- What if...
I show you my bra strap?
Okay.
Okay!
Here.
I bet if I showed him my whole bra,
he would have given me his bike.
These things are awesome.
That was hot.
Man, why is she
so hot today?
'Cause you can't have her,
'cause you lost her, 'cause you're stupid.
Wait. Um, Jackie cheated on you,
right, with a little, tiny cheese guy?
Hey! Truce, okay?
- Yeah, I think that's best.
- Yeah.
Hey, if you hadn't
blown it with Donna...
- you'd probably be doin' it with her right now.
- Yeah!
You know who's probably doin' it?
Jackie, with the cheese guy.
We had a truce!
Wow.
Yeah, this place looks great.
Fez, Jackie,
the decorations are beautiful.
No. No, no, no, no.
They haven't
been here all day.
I did this because
I'm feminine too.
I'm a lady.
Why can't anyone freakin' see that?
Oh, honey, no.
It's perfect.
Okay, the next time I need a feminine touch,
I am using you and Fez.
What happened
to those cupcakes?
Bob, there were
a dozen cupcakes there.
I'm sorry, Red.
They're like vitamins to me.
Hey, you guys.
Bad news.
Hyde said he's not coming.
He's just sitting in the basement.
Oh, but it's his birthday.
He can't be alone on his birthday.
Red?
I agree. Eric, you go home
and sit with Steven.
Oh, okay, fine.
I'll go get him.
Surprise!
We got him, dudes.
All right. Get your butt up
those stairs and over to your party.
I'm not goin'.
Steven, you're 18 now.
It's time to start being a man.
And the first rule
to being a man is...
you gotta spend your life
doing crap you don't wanna do.
Like right now,
I don't wanna be here talkin' to you...
but I am.
And you don't wanna
go to a party...
but you will.
Actually, I won't.
What's the matter?
You don't like parties?
Me neither.
But as long as
you're livin' under my roof...
you'll do what
I tell you to do.
Well, lucky for me, I won't be
under your roof much longer anyway.
What the hell
you talkin' about?
Well, I'm 18.
I should be getting out of here, right?
I mean, that's what my dad did
and my uncle did and my cousins did.
They were all on their own
when they were my age.
What are they doin' now?
Uh, pumping gas, prison,
prison, dead, prison.
And the reason
you're living here...
is so you don't
end up like them.
But if you want to leave,
I can't stop you.
So, what's it gonna be, Steven?
Prison, death
or a birthday party?
I guess
I'll go to the party.
Thanks, Red.
You're welcome.
And, uh...
don't tell Eric that we had
this little conversation.
'Cause when he's 18,
he's out.
So, punch.
Yep.
Oh, fine.
Everybody, they're here!
They're... Shh! Shh!
Surprise!
You got me, dudes.
Wow, thanks.
Oh, happy birthday.
Damn, Jackie!
Stop kissing other guys!
Wow, this is great.
Did you get this at the flea market?
- The flea market?
- Yeah, they sell 'em there for two bucks.
No, we stole it.
It took forever.
I had to show my bra!
You owe me a bumper!
Now, I made this
for you. See?
It says "Steven"
on the front...
because I heard that having your name
on your clothes is cool.
Plus, if anybody finds it,
they can return it to you.
So, I won't be able
to lose it.
Great.
Put it on.
Do I have to?
You bet your ass.
Welcome to manhood.
Mrs. Forman...
I'm not really
a pi?ata kind of guy.
Oh, come on, Steven.
Everyone plays pi?ata.
Yeah, Steven.
Hit the jackass!
Ow! Hey!
Steven! Just listen...