That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 22 - Eric's Corvette Caper - full transcript

Hey, guess who's dropping Jackie off here
after cheerleading practice?

Leslie Cannon.

Ah, Leslie Cannon.
Nickname: The Cannon.

Why? Because she always
shoots Eric down.

Man, you were so
in love with her.

Remember in the seventh grade
when she asked you your name...

and you got all panicky
and said, "Uh-bluh"?

Yeah, and then she called you
"Uh-bluh" for, like, the next two years.

That was awesome.

I still don't see why
we have to spend the night.

It only took me 30 minutes to get caught up
with everyone at my high school reunion.



Oh, well, standing in the corner
muttering "dumb-ass" at everyone...

doesn't count
as getting caught up.

I can't wait to see
some dear, old girlfriends.

Like the Miller twins.
God, I hope they're fat.

Oh, crap. There's no way that all
these bags are gonna fit in here.

Oh, geez, I was really looking forward
to taking this baby out on the highway.

Well, we'll just have to
take two cars.

No, we'll take the Toyota.

I can bring another dress.
Shows a little more leg...

so Stuart McDaniel
can see what he missed out on.

Oh, hey, you guys.
Here comes Leslie.

Hey, how's my hair?

It's a little messy.

Hey, it's Uh-bluh!



Yeah, um,
I'm going by Eric now.

She doesn't care what your name is, Eric.
She's a cheerleader.

Wow, this car is so hot!

Yeah, that's kind of like
what I was thinking.

Really? 'Cause I was thinking
she was hot.

Yeah.

Hey, mama.

So, uh,
whose car is this?

Oh, uh, it's my dad's...
tough luck that it's mine.

So, what kind of engine
is in this thing?

Oh, well, it's, uh...
it's a multi-piston...

200.

That's, uh, twice as powerful
as the... the 100.

You know what? I think you should
take me for a drive tonight.

Are you talking to me? Yeah... No...

Sure. Yeah... No... Shut up.
Yes, it's my car. Sure.

- Pick me up at 7:00.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.
What have I done?

Well, you're using
your dad's dream car...

to get with a totally hot chick
who would otherwise never date you.

When you put it like that,
it just sounds right.

Here's the keys
to the Corvette.

But...

the only reason
I'm giving them to you...

is so you can move it
in case there's a fire.

And because you trust me.

Right!

Now, you know that I'll know
if the Corvette's been moved.

I've noted its exact position
in the garage...

the angle of the wheels...

and I just might have
set a few booby traps.

I am so lucky to have a daddy
who cares enough to set booby traps.

Fine. Okay, I get it. The only way I get
to drive the Corvette is if there's a fire.

But to the end of the driveway.
No further.

A fire is no excuse
for a joyride.

Michael, what are you doing in Casey's room?

Spittin' in his socks. What are you doing?

We came by
to say hi to Casey.

Watching you spit
is just a super bonus.

Yeah? Well, your lover's
out of town.

And I asked your lover
where he was going...

and your lover said, "Neptune,"
and that he'd be back tomorrow.

And then your lover punched me
in the head and laughed.

But we'll see who's laughing when he puts
on his socks and gets his feet all spitty.

Ha!

Casey's out of town?
He never tells me anything.

It's like the only thing I know
about him is that he's Kelso's brother.

Well, you know he subscribes
to Van Aficionado.

Stop snooping, Jackie.

But, Donna, you know, say this pile of stuff
was to get accidentally knocked over.

Oh, no!

And while picking it up,
you just happen to look through it.

Jackie, I'm not gonna snoop.

Oh, look! He took a quiz.

"Your Ideal Chick:
Van Fan or Biker Liker?"

But you know what?
You wouldn't care what kind of girl he likes.

I mean, you're only dating him.

Oh, no!

Forman, I can't believe you're actually
gonna take out Red's Corvette.

Yeah, and I can't believe you're wearing
brown shoes with a black belt.

That's just tacky.

Guys, the odometer's busted.

The odometer's busted!

That's a sign from God.

God loves me.

He wants me
to steal the car.

Besides, I think I've learned
most of Red's tricks now...

like this one:

The old "strand of hair
across the ignition" trap.

Yeah, you're a regular
Green Beret, Forman.

Oh, please. With that outfit,
a green beret is the last thing he needs.

Well, here we are...

in my Corvette...

enjoying the open road and...

the delightful,
pine-fresh scent of your hair.

That's your cheapo
air freshener.

- Yuck.
- No, no, no, no. No, no.

Hello.

Can I drive?

Uh, I don't know.

Uh-bluh.

Okay, now, if the Miller twins
are fat, be nice.

But if they're still thin,
I don't want to hear any "hubba-hubbas"...

or remarks about
doubling your pleasure.

Remember, it's my reunion.
I am the prettiest one here.

Well, you are
the prettiest one here.

I don't understand.
The invitation says the 29th.

Kitty, that says the 23rd.

I have been telling you for months
that you need glasses.

You know, one of these days,
you're gonna wander off and fall into a hole.

What hole?
Where are these holes?

They're everywhere. You just can't
see 'em, 'cause you need glasses.

Well, we spent three hours
in Casey's room...

and all we found out is
that he collects mud flaps.

Yeah, but all that snooping
gave me such a rush.

Hey, let's go to the mall
and shoplift some lip gloss.

No thanks, little felon.

I feel guilty enough.

Besides, I have to finish
my chemistry homework.

Oh, no!

I left my chemistry book on Casey's desk,
and he comes back tomorrow!

So we'll just
go back and get it.

Jackie, I already went over there all,
"Where's Casey?"

Now if I go back all,
"Where's my book"...

But you are all,
"Where's my book?"

But Kelso won't believe that,
and then he'll think I'm a goob...

and then he'll tell Casey
that I'm a goob!

Okay.

Okay, look. We'll wait till later tonight,
then sneak back in and get it.

Besides, Casey's got this really
great clock radio I really want.

Oh, Kitty, don't tell Eric
that we're coming home.

If he's doing something wrong... and we both
know he is... it's important that I catch him.

- Why?
- Because it gives me pleasure.

- There's the three.
- Shut it!

I'm Red, dumb-ass.

Where are my muffins,
dumb-ass?

Forman residence. Dr. Hook speaking.

Who is it, dumb-ass?

Steven, honey,
it's Mrs. Forman.

- Oh, hey, Mrs. Forman.
- Mrs. Forman?

Um, there's been some sort of...
sort of little mistake.

I finished my homework.
Now let's move on to Bible study!

It seems like my reunion
was last week.

Oh, that's too bad. You were really looking
forward to seeing them fat twins, right?

So, we're coming
home tonight.

Tell Eric, okay?

It's important.

Yeah, of course.

Okay. Bye, sweetie.

They're coming home early.
You know what this means?

- Yeah, we have to hurry up and find Eric.
- No.

We have to hurry up
and finish the rest of Red's beer.

Hopefully, Forman'll
get blamed for that too.

Boy, this is fun,
but I think race time is over now!

Good, we're slowing down.

That's good.

A little motion sickness
going on.

But, uh, the car's all in one piece, so...
I'm on top of the world.

What was that?

That was me... falling off
the top of the world.

Well, the good news is,
I found the hubcap in a huge field of mud.

And the other good news is,
in about a hundred years...

some archaeologist is gonna be thrilled
to find my shoes.

Sorry.

Yeah, well, you know...
Look, there aren't any scratches or dents.

So, just dirt.
I-I think I'm in the clear.

Eric, I'm starting to think
I might like you.

- Really?
- I'm not sure though.

I think I have to drive
the car some more.

Oh. Well, I'm starting to think
I might let you drive the car.

- Really?
- I'm not sure though.

I think we might have
to make out some more.

- Okay, I got it.
- Okay, let's go.

Jackie?

Donna?

Am I dreaming?

Uh, yes.

- Yes, you are.
- Are we gonna do it?

Yes. Yes, Michael,
we are.

Cool. Donna first.

So you smooched
the Cannon.

How was her tongue?

Was it nimble?

Like a belly dancer.
And at one point...

I was touching a spot
not four inches from boob.

Not bad, Forman. Not only did you get
within shouting distance of second base...

you successfully
snaked Red's Corvette.

Yeah, well,
I gotta wash it, wax it...

and put on a hubcap, but that
should only take about an hour.

I'm gonna do it
in the morning.

- Perfect. Sleep tight.
- All right.

Oh, by the way, um,
your parents called a couple hours ago.

- They'll be home in 40 minutes.
- What?

Relax, man.
We're just messing with you.

They'll be home
in 20 minutes.

Okay, tire location, check.

Seat placement, check.

Picture of Fez's butt, check.

That one's going
on my desk.

Okay, you guys,
there's just one more thing:

The strand of hair
over the ignition.

Well, you're gonna
get away with it.

What a bunch of crap.

Okay, you guys,
they're here.

Damn it!
The air freshener!

Damn it, you remembered.

Well, there's the Corvette,
safe and sound.

I'm just saying that for your benefit,
in case you can't see it.

Well, I am so glad you raced all the way
home without stopping for this.

Cripes, I gotta pee
like a banshee.

Well, I'm off
to the candy shop.

My Everlasting Gobstopper
just crapped out on me.

Fez, I was sleeping
in Casey's room...

and I think somehow I had
one of his dreams, 'cause I did it with...

Hey, guys.

No, no, Michael.
Finish your sentence.

You did it with...

A hat on?

A-And you.

You, me and a hat.

It was hot.

Of course it was.
Everything's better with a hat.

Come on, fellas.
Put a hat on. The lady deserves it.

What were you doing
in Casey's bed anyway?

Oh, when he's out of town,
I like to skank it up...

by skipping a couple showers
and sleeping in it naked.

Michael, tell me more
about this dream.

Was anyone else there?

Jackie, why would I have a sexy dream
with anyone besides you?

Hey, Donna.

Hey, your old man wants
to talk to you outside.

- Why? Am I busted?
- Don't worry, man. It's not about the car.

- Oh.
- Oh, Forman, I almost forgot.

It's about the car.

You gotta stop
doing that, man!

Um, you wanted
to see me?

Did you take my car out
last night?

No.

I know you didn't.
Guess how I know!

I stuck a hair
across the ignition.

A hair acro...

You know, someday I'm gonna
use that on my son.

Anyway, since I know I can trust you,
I'm gonna let you drive it.

I finally get
to drive it?

Wow!

Okay, uh, where does
the key go?

- Start her up.
- Okay.

And I'm grounded.

For a month!

Why did you do it?

To impress this cheerleader.

No kidding?

Well, then make it
two weeks.

So, uh, you gonna
see her again?

Well, can I have
the car again?

Ohh, she's that girl.

I know that girl.

Stay away
from that girl.

Hey, Forman,
your mom wants to talk to you.

She wants to know why you
drank all of Red's beer.

You know what?

Let's just
call it a month.

- Michael.
- Jackie?

- Am I dreaming?
- Yes, you are.

Are we gonna do it?

- Yes, we are.
- Oh, cool. Where's Donna?

What?