That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 21 - Prank Day - full transcript

Hey, Kelso.

Well, that's a mighty big smile.
What, did you get into the Play-doh?

No. I'm happy
'cause today is Gift Day.

And in honor of this special day,
I got you all gifts.

All right.
Aerosmith Live.

Yeah, for my friend
who rocks.

- Oh, man. The new Rolling Stone.
- For my friend who reads.

Oreos!

For my friend
who snacks.

A triple-decker burn! Awesome!

Wha... There's peanut butter
on my headphones!



These cookies
are filled with toothpaste!

All right. That noise
did not come out of my butt.

Welcome to Prank Day.

That's right.
It's Prank Day.

"Gift Day."
You idiots.

A whoopee cushion?
What are you, two?

These things are great.

- You got something in your ear, man.
- What?

Oh, my goodness.
It's peanut butter!

Ha-ha. Peanut butter wet willy.
Very clever.

But the thing about it is,
you don't have to be clever.

Okay! Okay!
This Prank Day is over.

Let's just watch TV. Hey, Fez,
I think there's a Nancy Drew on.

Oh! She can solve my mystery any day.



And by the way,
the mystery is in my pants.

Okay. That's it.
I got a peanut in my ear.

Yeah. I used chunky, so it might
get up in your brain.

Yeah. Ha-ha. Laugh it up now,
man, 'cause fun time is over.

What the hell?
I'm stuck.

I have been glued!

Not glued, superglued.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you covered the
freezer handle and the TV knob in superglue?

Knowing Forman's love for Popsicles
and Fez's love for knobs!

Yeah.
I'm an evil mastermind.

Kelso, is there a cushion
glued to my butt?

No. Not glued,
superglued.

- You're a dead man.
- Yeah?

What are you gonna do...
sit on me with your cushion-butt?

It won't hurt, 'cause it's a cushion-butt.

Ooh! Oh, my goodness.
Whoa!

Okay. If you could be the princess in
any country, what country would it be?

I pick Monaco.

See, I always wanted
to wear my crown with a bikini.

Donna, you're not listening to me!
This is my life here.

Oh. Sorry. It's just... You know,
today would've been my parents' anniversary.

But my mom's gone, my dad's with Joanne,
and Casey's out of town.

So it just kind of sucks.

You know what you need?
A little Jackie magic.

- I am gonna dedicate my whole day to you.
- Oh, like you did last month...

when I had to hold your corn dog and guard the
van while you and Kelso did it at the 4-H Fair?

Yeah.
Wasn't that fun?

Man, I can't wait to see this big bucket
of oatmeal landing on Kelso's...

big bucket of a head.

Well, good gracious,
who's all this oatmeal for?

Uh, it's for
the oatmeal drive...

for the Needy Oatmeal Lovers
of America.

Right, the N.O.L.O.A.

Oh, oh, this tastes awful.

You know, just because they're hoboes doesn't
mean they don't respond to herbs and spices.

You know what?
That's a good point, Mom...

but you better leave, 'cause we don't like to
do our charity work in front of other people.

Oh, now, don't be silly. I'll help you.
Where'd I put my brown sugar?

Oh, I'm right here,
honey buns.

Okay. I'm here
for our slumber party.

Wow. When you said you were gonna
dedicate your whole day to me...

I figured that meant only
until we left The Hub.

No. I promised you
24 hours of Jackie time...

which is equal to seven days
of an ugly person's time.

Well, it's just, I'm in the middle
of this really good book.

Donna, books are for prisoners.

Now, I brought tons
of activities.

First, some makeup for your
long-overdue facial overhaul.

The greatest
board game ever...

Mystery Date.

And... Wait.
Best of all...

my stuffed animals
so we can perform...

an all-unicorn
rendition of Grease.

This is perfect.
We are so gonna nail Kelso.

I still say we should have
shaved his privates.

That's a burn
that keeps on burnin'.

- Kelso's on his way.
- Okay, gentlemen. Take your positions.

Okay. I'm here.

- Where's the dead bird?
- Kelso, you're supposed to come in through the side door.

- What?
- Eric, I need you to take out the...

You guys are so dead.

What the hell is this?

Eric did it
because he hates you.

Hyde!

Forman,
every man for himself.

No, uh, Dad, this was just a prank
that's gone wrong...

horribly, horribly wrong.

Well, I've got
a prank too...

one where my foot doesn't
plow through your ass.

Let's hope it doesn't go horribly,
horribly wrong!

Oh, Red.

What happened to you?

That oatmeal
was for the hoboes.

Well, the idiots
used it for a prank.

Eric, how many times have I told you,
don't poke the bear.

Don't poke the bear!

Well, technically, we didn't poke the bear.
We pour oatmeal on the bear.

- Are you correcting my wife?
- Kelso's laughing at you.

Are you laughing?

Oh, come on.
You're covered in oatmeal!

It's funny!

- That's it!
- Oh, oh, you know what you should do, Red?

Forgive and forget. Turn the other cheek,
like Jesus. Be like Jesus, Red.

I can't even think of a punishment
big enough for this!

But trust me,
it's going to be awful...

the kind of thing that Harry Truman
might order to end a war!

Guys, who's
Harry Truman?

He invented electricity,
dumb-ass.

Okay, Donna.
It's makeover time.

Let's pack those jumbo pores.

Um, you know what? I've thought about it,
and I'm glad my mom left.

More food for me.

- Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
- I doubt it.

Unless...

You were right, Donna.
Now, not only are we beautifying...

but we're "groovifying."

Hey, I just made up a word.

Yeah. Who ever said you can't
do two great things at once?

I bet it was a one-armed,
pessimistic guy.

Yeah, you just gotta
stay positive, man.

Like, I don't want
to learn French...

so everyday I think positive thoughts
about not learning French.

And look at me.
I don't know a word of French.

Is Dad still
gonna kill me?

Eric, I put him
in his Corvette...

tuned the radio to a hockey game
and handed him a beer.

I've done all I can.

- Dad...
- All right.

Just tell me. What the hell
did you think you were doing?

Look, Kelso invented this stupid
Prank Day thing...

and he superglued us,
so the oatmeal thing...

was just to, you know,
get him back.

And that's when my life
as I know it ended.

Are you telling me,
I got covered with oatmeal...

because you were trying
to get back at Kelso...

which you didn't even do?

Well, that's a bit of
an oversimplification.

- I think if you look at the facts...
- You...

The facts are,
you were bested by a Kelso.

How could you do this
to your family?

I didn't realize the honor of
our family was at stake.

It always is.

Hell, we've been talking
about this since T-ball...

which you quit.

I mean, what was there to be scared of?
The ball just sits there.

All right.
Here's what I'm gonna do.

Instead of punishing you, I'm gonna show you
how to do this prank business right.

Now, get the Three Stooges
over to dinner tonight.

You are going to help me
get them good and scared.

Oh, well, no, Dad.
I don't wanna get Hyde and Fez.

- They're on my team.
- Well, your team lost.

So everybody cries.

Well, hope you boys
like lasagna.

Oh, boy, lasagna...
the Italian burrito.

Thanks for havin' us over,
Mrs. Forman.

Oh, don't thank me.
It was Red's idea.

- Wait a minute. Red's coming?
- Uh, yeah. I can't believe you guys showed up.

Wait. No. The only reason we showed up was
'cause you said Red was workin' late tonight.

Oh, God, you know what?
He's in the kitchen. Should I just get him?

No, you should not get him,
you son of a bitch.

- I'm goin' out the window.
- Guys, calm down.

Look, what could he
possibly do to us at dinner?

Ah, good.
All the half-wits are here.

I wanted
to let you know...

that I'm going
to get you...

and you won't know where,
and you won't know when.

But...

it will hurt.

And you will cry,
and I will laugh, and...

Did I mention
it will hurt?

Very good.

Now, enjoy the lasagna. I added
the special seasoning myself.

Special seasoning?

Uh-oh.

All right.
Maybe it's because I'm extra clever...

but I think that there might be
somethin' wrong with the lasagna...

and I think maybe Red
had somethin' to do with it.

Kelso...

I wouldn't do anything
to the lasagna...

just like I wouldn't do anything to your new
sneakers that are sitting by the kitchen door.

My Chucks!

Why isn't anybody eating?

Is there something wrong
with my lasagna?

We have reason to believe
it's been tampered with.

Is this another prank?
Because I will not have this in my house.

Now eat that lasagna.
It's perfectly fine.

I said eat it!

Mmm. Dad, what is
this special seasoning?

Oh, a little of this, a little of that.
Which reminds me.

Kitty, I cleaned out the dead moths
from the porch light.

If I could only remember
where I put them.

- Aw, bugs? Sick!
- I'm out of here.

Okay, Leo.
Who's your Mystery Date?

All right.
The ski instructor.

He's hunky.

You know, Jackie, I never thought I'd say
this, but I'm actually having a good time.

Wait. Michael,
what are you doing here?

Yeah, man.
This is girls' night.

Jackie, I just had dinner with Red,
and he totally freaked me out.

So, first I need you to
stick your hand in my Chucks.

Then I need you to hang out with me,
because I'm really afraid to be alone.

- No. No, Michael. I am spending time with Donna.
- Okay, but...

I was gonna take you to the mall and tell
everyone you were a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

Wait, wait. You never want to do that.
Okay. Let's go.

Huh.

I guess it's just
you and me, Leo.

A whole pan of lasagna wasted...

and it's a recession.

- Kitty, you don't understand.
- I understand that you need to start acting like a parent.

But we have different
responsibilities as parents.

Your job is to tell him
that he's cute and to clean his ears.

My job is to make him a man,
which he's not.

Dad, I'm...

I'm right here.

Shut up, boy.

You see how he shuts up?
That's not right.

I give up.

- Wow, she seems mad.
- Ah, she'll burn it off on her Exercycle.

- We really did freak out those guys tonight, huh?
- Hmm!

Now, it's time to go after Kelso...
the head dummy.

And we're gonna have
the junior dummies help us out.

You know what?
We make a good team.

It's like I'm Batman, and you're...
Er... No. You're... You're Batman.

Hey, Donna? Wait.
Where's Leo?

Oh, he left. He asked if he could try on
my dad's clothes, and I said no, so he left.

What? He left?

That jerk.
What a bad friend.

Jackie, you left too.

I know, I know. Look, that's why I'm here.

I was at the mall signing autographs
for a bunch of sixth graders.

You know,
"Go, Cowboys. Love, Jackie."

And then I saw
this little girl crying...

'cause she couldn't
find her mom...

and she reminded me of you,
so I felt bad.

Jackie, that's so sweet.
So what happened with the little girl?

- She find her mom?
- You know what? I don't know.

I left her with the snow-cone guy.
Yeah. She smelled like poo.

Look, anyways,
my point is...

you know, since you don't have
your mom around anymore...

you need a girl in your life to look
after you, and that's gonna be me.

- Unless I smell like poo.
- Right.

So when Kelso gets here,
he'll walk by the driveway...

which we've iced down
with the hose...

and he'll see a nudie magazine
lying there...

which is perfect for Kelso,
because he can never resist a boob.

- Well, who among us can?
- Right.

So, he'll sprint towards it, slip on the ice
and slide into a giant pile of mud.

Get ready.
I hear footsteps.

- What are we lookin' at?
- Kelso?

Wait, wait. If you're here,
then who is in the driveway?

Oh, crap!

Well, the driveway
was all icy, and I fell.

I think I heard a pop.

- Mrs. Forman, we are so sorry.
- Mom, are you okay?

Okay. Fez, grab her legs.

Get away from her!

Eric, you're grounded
for a week.

But this prank
was your idea!

- Fine. Two weeks!
- Wha...

And the rest of you, get the hell outta here.
Go on now.

Well, this was another prank?

See what happens
when you act like a jackass?

Kitty, I am so sorry...

and I promise:
No more pranks, ever.

Okay.

- So, we're done here.
- Wait!

You're not hurt.
You were faking it.

Oh, don't sound so surprised.
I fake things plenty.

- Wait. So you're not hurt at all?
- Nope.

Wow.
You out-pranked Dad.

No, no, no. It wasn't a prank.
It was a lesson.

And yes, I did.

So, you're the best Forman.

You're Batman.

Now you know.