That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 18 - Leo Loves Kitty - full transcript
The mall owner gives Kelso the chance of a lifetime: the beautiful boy is recruited as model for his magazine, and almost immediately promoted to the most prestigious underwear, briefs. Vicious 'girlfriend' Jackie shows her jealous nature by first pretending it's not true, then it's not important, finally trying to make him give it up 'because modeling is her dream', and when that fails turning to her Cheese Palace boss, Todd. Fez begged till Hyde gave him a driving lesson in his El Camino, but by the time he gets to drive a few meter- that's too far, being backward, so the rear section is damaged to the tune of $80; Leo, who stood there, lands in hospital, where he enjoys Kitty's care so much he continues to woo her after his discharge, while she feels that doesn't annoy Red enough.
Hey, you guys! Great news!
I was walking around
Halverson's Department Store...
and the owner comes right up to me,
and he offered me a modeling job.
Yeah. Whoo!
Wait, wait.
He just offered you a modeling job?
Yeah, sounds
a little suspicious.
I mean, how do you know
it was the owner?
Because it was
Mr. Halverson.
How do you know
it was Mr. Halverson?
Because I said,
"Aren't you Mr. Halverson?"
And he said, "Yeah."
- Hey, Hyde, aren't you Mr. Halverson?
- Yeah.
See? Look, Michael. I've been in
that store over a hundred times...
and Mr. Halverson never asked me
to be a model.
And if Mr. Halverson never
asked me to be a model...
then there's
no Mr. Halverson.
It's a scam.
I don't know.
It doesn't sound like a scam to me.
- Thank you, Donna.
- Sounds like Mr. Halverson wants you for his lover.
Either way,
I'm flattered.
Hyde, will you teach me
how to drive the El Camino?
Rhonda's car is a stick
and until I learn to drive it...
I have to sit
in the lady seat.
No way, man.
The Camino's cherry.
- Please?
- No.
Please, please, please?
No.
Please, please, please,
please, please, please...
please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please.
Please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please...
please, please, please,
please, please, please...
- please, please, please, please, please, please, pl...
- All right! All right!
You can use the El Camino.
But you have to
be careful, all right?
I don't want anything
to happen to my baby.
Aw, thanks for your concern,
Hyde, but I'll be fine.
And let out the clutch
gently, okay?
- 'Cause this car's very powerful.
- Hyde!
We've been sitting here
for half an hour.
Will you just shut your hole
and let me drive?
Okay, you're clear.
In front of you.
Man, I picked a bad place
to take a nap.
Hey, Todd, I'm gonna
take my break now.
- Michael's stopping by.
- Still dating that guy?
I guess that's fine
if you like the handsome type.
But does he have a picture of himself
with the guy who played Chewbacca?
'Cause I do.
Hey, Jackie!
More great modeling news.
They're startin' me in underwear.
Look, I got a W-4
and a body-waxing kit and everything.
Oh. So you're really
an underwear model?
No, not just underwear... briefs.
I mean, usually, you have to spend
a year cutting your teeth in boxers...
before you even get
into the tight stuff.
You know what?
I don't have time for this right now.
It just isn't important.
- But, Jackie...
- Hey, maybe you didn't hear the lady.
She's busy.
So hit the road, guy.
I'm her boyfriend, guy.
Nuh-uh.
When she works here...
her boyfriend is every man, woman
and child that walks in here for cheese.
Well, I don't have
any money for cheese.
But I'm going to go get some,
and then we'll see whose boyfriend is whose.
Let me tell you
something, Jackie.
As a roving associate junior manager
for Cheese Palace, Incorporated...
I've seen
a lot of things...
some I can't talk about.
But I will
tell you two things.
One: With the German population
that this town has...
we should be moving
a lot more sausage.
Two:
You're a stone-cold fox.
I've said too much.
I'll be in the cooler.
Now, if your gown
falls open again...
there's no need
to ring the little buzzer.
You can just cover up
by yourself.
Okay, um, I'll be right back
with your "blankie."
"Thankie."
Leo, I'm so sorry
I hurt you.
Ah, that's all right, man.
I'll be fine.
Least I still got it
all up here.
But that's
just good genes, man.
My father had
a good hairline too.
Well, nice job, Fez.
The fender's dented, the taillight's shot,
so you owe me 80 bucks.
Okay, good luck with that.
- I'm broke.
- Well, like my mom used to tell me...
"Shut up and give me
some money."
Hey, you guys,
I was just next door...
and you know that weird kid from school
who's always saying he can fly?
Yeah, he can't.
So, Leo,
how's the hospital?
Oh, it's great, man.
Cable TV, free parking...
don't have to get out of bed
to take a pee.
It's just like a hotel.
And Nurse Kitty and I
have had some good times.
Okay, Leo,
I'm going to get you a surprise dessert.
It jiggles...
and it rhymes
with "jerry chello."
I love you too, Kitty.
I love you too.
Hey, Eric,
um, where's Donna?
Oh, she's out
with Kelso's brother.
Which means it's only a matter of time
before she calls us from the holding cell.
Well, I need
a woman's opinion.
Eh, you're close enough.
Look.
I'm just really upset
about Michael modeling.
I mean, that was
our dream... together.
But for me!
Wait, so, um,
in your dream...
you're a model,
and Kelso's, um, not there.
Whereas in real life,
Kelso's a model...
and you, um, sell cheese.
That is... delightful.
Hey, Red.
Could you give these
to your wife, please?
And tell her I love her.
I'll give her the message.
Thank you.
Oh, boy!
You got a date
for the Stoners' Ball.
"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Milk, eggs, coffee."
Who's the most handsome man
on earth?
U-R.
Michael, I've thought about your
modeling job, and I came to a decision.
I can't let you take
your pants off in public.
But I take my pants off
in public all the time.
You never said
anything before.
Because before you weren't doing it
for your glamorous new career.
You were doing it for the love
of being pantsless.
So, now promise me
you won't do it.
- Michael?
- Fine.
I "plomise."
I heard that.
You said, "I plomise."
There is no "L"
in promise.
Michael, promise me
with an "R."
Fine!
I pr-o-o-mise.
Okay, you promise
to what?
I promise I won't model
my "undelwear."
Michael!
Oh, fine!
That jerk.
He really is a jerk.
And you smell nice.
So?
Does it make you
wanna buy underwear?
No, it makes me wonder who
this guy is you're massaging.
That's Daryl.
I'm not massaging.
It's posing.
Shut up.
God, he's got a girlfriend.
I've got a girlfriend.
Yeah, and her name
is Daryl.
Hey, Fez.
Got that 80 bucks yet
for the El Camino?
As a matter of fact,
I do happen to not have it yet.
Well, why don't I hold
on to this until you do.
My candy.
You'll get your 80 bucks...
in hell!
Hey, Jackie,
how's it going?
You know, Michael,
not so good.
You lied to me
and you stole my dream.
How's it going
besides that?
You knew I always
wanted to be a model...
and you took
the job anyways.
I mean, if Mr. Halverson had
offered me a job as a spaceman...
I would have said no,
'cause that's your dream.
I thought
that out of everyone...
that you would be the one to be happy for me,
'cause you're supposed to love me.
Well, if that's what you
expected from me...
then obviously
you don't know me very well.
Okay. Well, when you're
ready to apologize...
I'll be downstairs
modeling stuff.
But, Michael!
Damn!
Man, if I was
your boyfriend...
I'd be giving up modeling for you,
and then taking it back up again...
just so I could
give it up again.
Well, I'm off
to the Fotohut.
Hope my new boyfriend
doesn't try to make a pass at me.
I... I don't think we have
to worry about that.
I see.
Kitty, I just mean
the whole thing is so... silly.
It's just so silly.
It's silly.
Well, it didn't
used to be silly.
I remember a time when you'd
beat up a guy just for looking at me.
Oh. Come on, Kitty.
I'm not worried about you and other guys.
I mean, you're
a little old for crushes.
What?
Oh, I didn't mean old.
I meant advanced in... beauty.
Hey. Michael and I
had a fight.
Maybe if we pretend she's not here,
she'll just... go away.
- I've tried. It doesn't work.
- Mm.
Look, he actually
stood up to me.
Things are changing between us.
I just don't know how to keep 'em the same.
I mean, he's not just modeling.
He's, like, leaving me behind.
Look, Jackie, you just...
You can't keep trying to control him.
Yeah, that's how Eric
ran me off.
Yeah, that's...
Thank you.
Uh, thank you for that.
Look, Jackie.
Take it from a guy
who pretty much...
hasn't been to second base
in over two months.
You gotta let him
have his own life.
You know,
maybe you guys are right.
Maybe the only way to keep
someone you love is by letting them go.
You know, a teacher
told me that once.
But she had grown-up braces,
so I didn't listen.
Oh, no.
Yup, it's me.
Hey, is my lady around?
Leo, buddy,
we gotta talk.
You're getting me
in a lot of trouble around here.
- Now, I'm begging you...
- Who is it, Red?
Listen, hophead!
I love that woman
with a... fiery passion...
that consumes my soul!
That's right!
So you can either...
walk outta here
on your own...
or you can hop outta here
with my boot in your ass!
Okay, I choose the one
with nothing in my ass.
Good choice!
Well, Red...
that was a pretty good show
you put on there.
You poured it on with a
"fiery passion that consumed your soul."
Hey, if you think
I'm puttin' on a show...
to get out of the doghouse...
you're way off base.
If I wanted to get out of trouble,
I'd just tell you how pretty you look.
Which I've been meaning to tell you.
You do.
- Oh, stow it.
- Oh, fine.
But, Kitty,
you gotta understand.
If I got mad at every guy that looked at you,
I'd drive myself crazy.
I don't even wanna think about
all those patients down at the hospital...
making googly eyes at you.
Not to mention the doctors.
Don't get me started
on those perverts!
They think the nursing staff is
their own personal dating service.
Glorified plumbers!
Okay. All right, Red.
You're getting very upset.
In fact, you look
downright miserable.
That makes me so happy.
Hey, Donna.
I just went to the store.
Check out my new...
empty bag.
Empty bag, huh?
If it's empty,
why are you so excited?
Well, because of its
amazing potential for storage.
Storage, huh?
It better be storing
an El Camino taillight.
Candy again?
You sick bastard!
You keep your distance,
scalawag.
Hey! If you guys
don't shut up...
the phrase "empty bag" is gonna take on
a whole new meaning for you.
- Huh?
- What?
It's a thinker.
But trust me,
you don't want it to happen.
Now, Hyde, you want money.
Fez doesn't have it.
So we just need to think of something
Fez can give you that's worth 80 bucks.
Eighteen dollars is your change.
Have a nice day.
Now, I know totally nude Fez
isn't original...
but everyone
seems to be happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy too.
Hey, man, remember
the three-foot rule.
All right.
I'll stay right over here.
Great.
Okay, the ball's your best friend.
Give it a big smile. Great.
Now you're mad at the ball.
Oh, I hate you.
Bad ball. Great.
Huh.
Didn't expect
to see you here.
Well, I didn't
expect to come.
But I did a lot
of thinking, and...
No, no. Wh-What is it now?
You want me to drop out of high school?
Join the Salvation Army
and go off and fight wars?
I came here to talk to you
about your modeling, and...
Yeah, Jackie,
I don't have time for it right now.
It just isn't important.
Sound familiar?
Oh, yeah.
- You should go now.
- Wait, but...
Okay. Hey, let's build
a sand castle.
Oh, and it's your favorite thing
in the world.
Great! Hey, some jerk just kicked it over.
Boo-hoo-hoo. Great.
Todd, what are you
doing here?
I saw you fighting with Michael.
I thought there might be a problem.
Even though I really hope there's
not a problem. Is there a problem?
Yeah, I think so.
Well, you know what would
make you feel better?
Coming to see
a movie with me.
You know what? Yeah.
Yeah. Let's go.
Mr. Forman, Mrs. Forman.
How may I help you?
You could help me
by getting some pants on.
And for the lady?
I'll have what he's having.
Say, don't come
to my house anymore.
Go, honey, go!
I was walking around
Halverson's Department Store...
and the owner comes right up to me,
and he offered me a modeling job.
Yeah. Whoo!
Wait, wait.
He just offered you a modeling job?
Yeah, sounds
a little suspicious.
I mean, how do you know
it was the owner?
Because it was
Mr. Halverson.
How do you know
it was Mr. Halverson?
Because I said,
"Aren't you Mr. Halverson?"
And he said, "Yeah."
- Hey, Hyde, aren't you Mr. Halverson?
- Yeah.
See? Look, Michael. I've been in
that store over a hundred times...
and Mr. Halverson never asked me
to be a model.
And if Mr. Halverson never
asked me to be a model...
then there's
no Mr. Halverson.
It's a scam.
I don't know.
It doesn't sound like a scam to me.
- Thank you, Donna.
- Sounds like Mr. Halverson wants you for his lover.
Either way,
I'm flattered.
Hyde, will you teach me
how to drive the El Camino?
Rhonda's car is a stick
and until I learn to drive it...
I have to sit
in the lady seat.
No way, man.
The Camino's cherry.
- Please?
- No.
Please, please, please?
No.
Please, please, please,
please, please, please...
please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please.
Please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please...
please, please, please,
please, please, please...
- please, please, please, please, please, please, pl...
- All right! All right!
You can use the El Camino.
But you have to
be careful, all right?
I don't want anything
to happen to my baby.
Aw, thanks for your concern,
Hyde, but I'll be fine.
And let out the clutch
gently, okay?
- 'Cause this car's very powerful.
- Hyde!
We've been sitting here
for half an hour.
Will you just shut your hole
and let me drive?
Okay, you're clear.
In front of you.
Man, I picked a bad place
to take a nap.
Hey, Todd, I'm gonna
take my break now.
- Michael's stopping by.
- Still dating that guy?
I guess that's fine
if you like the handsome type.
But does he have a picture of himself
with the guy who played Chewbacca?
'Cause I do.
Hey, Jackie!
More great modeling news.
They're startin' me in underwear.
Look, I got a W-4
and a body-waxing kit and everything.
Oh. So you're really
an underwear model?
No, not just underwear... briefs.
I mean, usually, you have to spend
a year cutting your teeth in boxers...
before you even get
into the tight stuff.
You know what?
I don't have time for this right now.
It just isn't important.
- But, Jackie...
- Hey, maybe you didn't hear the lady.
She's busy.
So hit the road, guy.
I'm her boyfriend, guy.
Nuh-uh.
When she works here...
her boyfriend is every man, woman
and child that walks in here for cheese.
Well, I don't have
any money for cheese.
But I'm going to go get some,
and then we'll see whose boyfriend is whose.
Let me tell you
something, Jackie.
As a roving associate junior manager
for Cheese Palace, Incorporated...
I've seen
a lot of things...
some I can't talk about.
But I will
tell you two things.
One: With the German population
that this town has...
we should be moving
a lot more sausage.
Two:
You're a stone-cold fox.
I've said too much.
I'll be in the cooler.
Now, if your gown
falls open again...
there's no need
to ring the little buzzer.
You can just cover up
by yourself.
Okay, um, I'll be right back
with your "blankie."
"Thankie."
Leo, I'm so sorry
I hurt you.
Ah, that's all right, man.
I'll be fine.
Least I still got it
all up here.
But that's
just good genes, man.
My father had
a good hairline too.
Well, nice job, Fez.
The fender's dented, the taillight's shot,
so you owe me 80 bucks.
Okay, good luck with that.
- I'm broke.
- Well, like my mom used to tell me...
"Shut up and give me
some money."
Hey, you guys,
I was just next door...
and you know that weird kid from school
who's always saying he can fly?
Yeah, he can't.
So, Leo,
how's the hospital?
Oh, it's great, man.
Cable TV, free parking...
don't have to get out of bed
to take a pee.
It's just like a hotel.
And Nurse Kitty and I
have had some good times.
Okay, Leo,
I'm going to get you a surprise dessert.
It jiggles...
and it rhymes
with "jerry chello."
I love you too, Kitty.
I love you too.
Hey, Eric,
um, where's Donna?
Oh, she's out
with Kelso's brother.
Which means it's only a matter of time
before she calls us from the holding cell.
Well, I need
a woman's opinion.
Eh, you're close enough.
Look.
I'm just really upset
about Michael modeling.
I mean, that was
our dream... together.
But for me!
Wait, so, um,
in your dream...
you're a model,
and Kelso's, um, not there.
Whereas in real life,
Kelso's a model...
and you, um, sell cheese.
That is... delightful.
Hey, Red.
Could you give these
to your wife, please?
And tell her I love her.
I'll give her the message.
Thank you.
Oh, boy!
You got a date
for the Stoners' Ball.
"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Milk, eggs, coffee."
Who's the most handsome man
on earth?
U-R.
Michael, I've thought about your
modeling job, and I came to a decision.
I can't let you take
your pants off in public.
But I take my pants off
in public all the time.
You never said
anything before.
Because before you weren't doing it
for your glamorous new career.
You were doing it for the love
of being pantsless.
So, now promise me
you won't do it.
- Michael?
- Fine.
I "plomise."
I heard that.
You said, "I plomise."
There is no "L"
in promise.
Michael, promise me
with an "R."
Fine!
I pr-o-o-mise.
Okay, you promise
to what?
I promise I won't model
my "undelwear."
Michael!
Oh, fine!
That jerk.
He really is a jerk.
And you smell nice.
So?
Does it make you
wanna buy underwear?
No, it makes me wonder who
this guy is you're massaging.
That's Daryl.
I'm not massaging.
It's posing.
Shut up.
God, he's got a girlfriend.
I've got a girlfriend.
Yeah, and her name
is Daryl.
Hey, Fez.
Got that 80 bucks yet
for the El Camino?
As a matter of fact,
I do happen to not have it yet.
Well, why don't I hold
on to this until you do.
My candy.
You'll get your 80 bucks...
in hell!
Hey, Jackie,
how's it going?
You know, Michael,
not so good.
You lied to me
and you stole my dream.
How's it going
besides that?
You knew I always
wanted to be a model...
and you took
the job anyways.
I mean, if Mr. Halverson had
offered me a job as a spaceman...
I would have said no,
'cause that's your dream.
I thought
that out of everyone...
that you would be the one to be happy for me,
'cause you're supposed to love me.
Well, if that's what you
expected from me...
then obviously
you don't know me very well.
Okay. Well, when you're
ready to apologize...
I'll be downstairs
modeling stuff.
But, Michael!
Damn!
Man, if I was
your boyfriend...
I'd be giving up modeling for you,
and then taking it back up again...
just so I could
give it up again.
Well, I'm off
to the Fotohut.
Hope my new boyfriend
doesn't try to make a pass at me.
I... I don't think we have
to worry about that.
I see.
Kitty, I just mean
the whole thing is so... silly.
It's just so silly.
It's silly.
Well, it didn't
used to be silly.
I remember a time when you'd
beat up a guy just for looking at me.
Oh. Come on, Kitty.
I'm not worried about you and other guys.
I mean, you're
a little old for crushes.
What?
Oh, I didn't mean old.
I meant advanced in... beauty.
Hey. Michael and I
had a fight.
Maybe if we pretend she's not here,
she'll just... go away.
- I've tried. It doesn't work.
- Mm.
Look, he actually
stood up to me.
Things are changing between us.
I just don't know how to keep 'em the same.
I mean, he's not just modeling.
He's, like, leaving me behind.
Look, Jackie, you just...
You can't keep trying to control him.
Yeah, that's how Eric
ran me off.
Yeah, that's...
Thank you.
Uh, thank you for that.
Look, Jackie.
Take it from a guy
who pretty much...
hasn't been to second base
in over two months.
You gotta let him
have his own life.
You know,
maybe you guys are right.
Maybe the only way to keep
someone you love is by letting them go.
You know, a teacher
told me that once.
But she had grown-up braces,
so I didn't listen.
Oh, no.
Yup, it's me.
Hey, is my lady around?
Leo, buddy,
we gotta talk.
You're getting me
in a lot of trouble around here.
- Now, I'm begging you...
- Who is it, Red?
Listen, hophead!
I love that woman
with a... fiery passion...
that consumes my soul!
That's right!
So you can either...
walk outta here
on your own...
or you can hop outta here
with my boot in your ass!
Okay, I choose the one
with nothing in my ass.
Good choice!
Well, Red...
that was a pretty good show
you put on there.
You poured it on with a
"fiery passion that consumed your soul."
Hey, if you think
I'm puttin' on a show...
to get out of the doghouse...
you're way off base.
If I wanted to get out of trouble,
I'd just tell you how pretty you look.
Which I've been meaning to tell you.
You do.
- Oh, stow it.
- Oh, fine.
But, Kitty,
you gotta understand.
If I got mad at every guy that looked at you,
I'd drive myself crazy.
I don't even wanna think about
all those patients down at the hospital...
making googly eyes at you.
Not to mention the doctors.
Don't get me started
on those perverts!
They think the nursing staff is
their own personal dating service.
Glorified plumbers!
Okay. All right, Red.
You're getting very upset.
In fact, you look
downright miserable.
That makes me so happy.
Hey, Donna.
I just went to the store.
Check out my new...
empty bag.
Empty bag, huh?
If it's empty,
why are you so excited?
Well, because of its
amazing potential for storage.
Storage, huh?
It better be storing
an El Camino taillight.
Candy again?
You sick bastard!
You keep your distance,
scalawag.
Hey! If you guys
don't shut up...
the phrase "empty bag" is gonna take on
a whole new meaning for you.
- Huh?
- What?
It's a thinker.
But trust me,
you don't want it to happen.
Now, Hyde, you want money.
Fez doesn't have it.
So we just need to think of something
Fez can give you that's worth 80 bucks.
Eighteen dollars is your change.
Have a nice day.
Now, I know totally nude Fez
isn't original...
but everyone
seems to be happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy too.
Hey, man, remember
the three-foot rule.
All right.
I'll stay right over here.
Great.
Okay, the ball's your best friend.
Give it a big smile. Great.
Now you're mad at the ball.
Oh, I hate you.
Bad ball. Great.
Huh.
Didn't expect
to see you here.
Well, I didn't
expect to come.
But I did a lot
of thinking, and...
No, no. Wh-What is it now?
You want me to drop out of high school?
Join the Salvation Army
and go off and fight wars?
I came here to talk to you
about your modeling, and...
Yeah, Jackie,
I don't have time for it right now.
It just isn't important.
Sound familiar?
Oh, yeah.
- You should go now.
- Wait, but...
Okay. Hey, let's build
a sand castle.
Oh, and it's your favorite thing
in the world.
Great! Hey, some jerk just kicked it over.
Boo-hoo-hoo. Great.
Todd, what are you
doing here?
I saw you fighting with Michael.
I thought there might be a problem.
Even though I really hope there's
not a problem. Is there a problem?
Yeah, I think so.
Well, you know what would
make you feel better?
Coming to see
a movie with me.
You know what? Yeah.
Yeah. Let's go.
Mr. Forman, Mrs. Forman.
How may I help you?
You could help me
by getting some pants on.
And for the lady?
I'll have what he's having.
Say, don't come
to my house anymore.
Go, honey, go!