That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 16 - Donna Dates a Kelso - full transcript

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"Skinny Dill-hole
Talks Like an Idiot"?

Yeah, yeah. I read it.

No. Guess who was voted
Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?

Tommy Larkin?

Well, he is dreamy.

No. Me, thank you
very much.

Congratulations, Eric. I guess this
opens up a whole new world for you...

one where you can
actually date chicks.

And don't think I haven't
already thought of that, my friend.

Bachelorina Number One...



I've been diagnosed with a disease
that makes me irresistible to women.

If you were my doctor,
what would you do to treat me?

I'd order you to stay in bed
for three weeks...

with me.

Uh-oh. I'm feeling
better already.

- Bachelorina Number Two?
- Well...

I'd have you strip down
for a complete physical.

Well, then I guess we know...

what's up, Doc.

Number Three?

I'd write you
a prescription for love...

and tell you to take me
three times a day.

Careful, I might O.D.

Well, Eric...



it's time to choose.

Which one of these luscious,
fawning chicks will it be?

Gosh, they all sound so great.

I can't decide.

Well, that's okay. You're Point
Place High's Most Eligible Viking.

You can have them all!

How tremendously fair!

Kelso, tell Eric
what he gets.

Bachelorina Number One...

is a hot cheerleader.

Bachelorina Number Two
is a hot cheerleader.

Bachelorina Number Three
is a hot gymnast...

who used to be
a hot cheerleader.

Well, until next time...

this is Eric's jealous friend Hyde saying,
"I wish I was Eric Forman."

So long!

Forman, don't put me in your fantasies.
I don't even like being in your real life.

You can put me in your fantasies.
I don't mind.

I don't have
a lot going on.

Oh, hey, Donna.

Hey, um, did you see
the school paper?

Oh, yeah. Field hockey team's
going to state. Whoo-hoo!

Uh-oh. Looks like someone
doesn't wanna talk about...

the new Most Eligible Viking.

Look, Donna,
this whole, uh...

"Most Eligible" thing has
really taught me something.

Um, I'm pretty.

So, what do you say...

like, we officially
start dating other people?

Oh, I've been waiting
for your permission.

And can I stay out past 9:00,
please, please?

As long as you're gonna be cool
when you see me with...

one, two or seven of
Point Place's juiciest tomatoes.

It's just like old times...

Eric and Donna talking about
meaningless crap that affects only them.

I've missed it so.

I have missed it.

I don't have a lot going on.

Hey, look here.

That '58 Corvette down
at the used-car lot is still for sale.

Oh, and look here. That diamond bracelet
down at the mall is still for sale.

Hey, Red, get this.

A while back, I'm in my car crying,
'cause Midgie was gone...

and I kept having to reach
into the glove box for tissues.

Oh, that's dangerous.

One time I had to blow my nose. Nearly
hit that cockeyed girl down the street.

I could've sworn
she was lookin' right at me.

So I attached a box of tissues
to the sun visor...

sold the idea for a bundle,
and voil?.

The Weeper Keeper was born.

Oh, God.
Are you rich again?

Yep.

I'm back to my
I-can-buy-anything-I-want former self.

Just picked up two sombreros
and a case of Lik-m-aid.

Where are you gonna wear
a sombrero, Bob?

Where won't I wear it?

Okay, you guys, which one
of these lucky ladies...

gets to go out with
Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?

Start with the gymnastics team,
but go with the second string...

just as limber
and somethin' to prove.

- How about her?
- Yeah, I made out with her once.

Okay, I don't want my tongue
where Kelso's tongue has been.

Oh, you better stay away
from your mom then.

I was kidding!

- What about her?
- Hey, I know her, man.

She's not all there,
if you know what I mean.

- She's a space case, huh?
- No, she's missing a toe.

Oh, you guys. There's that girl Emily.
Problem solved.

Excuse me, fellas.

- Hey, Emily.
- Oh, hi, Eric.

- I saw your name in the paper.
- God, that totally slipped my mind...

although I think I have a copy right here.

Look at him.

Donna, you have to start dating,
or you're gonna look pathetic.

And I'm gonna look pathetic
for being seen with you.

I know.
I'll set you up.

Uh-uh. Mm-mmm.

- Okay, if you don't wanna do this, just say so.
- I don't wanna do it.

Oh, you don't know
what you want.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Rhonda just said she has something special
to share with me tomorrow night.

It can only mean that
we're going to do it!

No, no, no. Listen to me.
I need a place to do it...

roomy and cheap.

Just like my Rhonda.

You can use the Fotohut, man.

I'm always happy to lend it out
for deflowering and bar mitzvahs.

Thank you, Leo.

Tomorrow night,
Fez becomes a man.

Oh, so it is a bar mitzvah.

Well, Bob, thanks for insisting
on coming along.

So, Red, what's so special
about this thing?

It's barely got a trunk.
Where do you put the groceries?

This car isn't
about groceries.

It's about freedom.

Speaking of freedom,
they got free doughnuts.

So long, dumb-ass!

- Hey, Red.
- Hey. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there's plenty
of leg room in here. Oh.

Glad you like it.
I just bought it.

You what?

Yeah, I'm pickin' it up
tomorrow.

Sure hope that trunk
will hold my sombreros.

Oh, is it my turn?

Oh, funny, 'cause tonight
is also my turn... Ah! To do it.

Guess what, Eric?
Donna has a date tonight too.

Yep, yep, yep. Mm-hmm.

I set her up with
Michael's older brother, Casey.

Oh, man, Donna's going out
with Casey Kelso?

Casey "What's the big deal?
It's just a misdemeanor" Kelso?

Man, that's gonna be
the best bad date ever.

Hey, we should hide
in the trunk.

Oh, like Sprytle
and Chimchim!

Oh, my God. I would pay
to see that date.

Oh, uh...
"So, Casey...

what are your thoughts
on feminism?"

"Well, Donna, I think
it can munch my butt."

Oh.

All right. Hey.
My brother's not that bad, okay?

He taught us lot of good,
useful stuff about chicks...

like, the bigger the boobs,
the smaller the brain.

That's a timeless truth.

I'll tell you another
timeless truth.

I'm going to do it!

I don't know why I let you
set me up with Casey Kelso.

From what I remember,
he's, like, a Kelso.

Ooh, he's here.

Okay, come on.
Try to look pretty.

That's it? That's all
I get is a honk?

What kind of a jerk
won't even come to the door?

Oh, my God. Casey?

Hey, Pinciotti.

Man, you really
grew into those legs.

Yeah. And you...
Your arms seem bigger.

You...

- So you ready to roll?
- Roll? I'm ready.

We're gonna roll.

Fez, honey,
what are you...

Did you come for cake?

No, I... Do you have cake?

No, no, no. I came... I came here
because I have this... friend.

Oh, really?

What's his name?

Name? Uh...

Johnny...

Table.

And what's
Johnny Table's problem?

Well, he and his girlfriend are about to
do something very special for the first time.

You mean, they're going
to engage in...

Putt-putt.

They are going...
They're going to putt-putt.

And-And-And she has
putted around quite a bit.

But-But he is a virgin,
uh, putter...

a-a virgin putter.

- He has never putted.
- I see.

And my friend, uh...
Ay.

- Johnny Table?
- Yes.

Um, he cannot talk
to Eric or Kelso or Hyde...

because they make fun of me...

him... Johnny...

Table.

So he's coming to you.

Well, honey, you tell Johnny Table
to be respectful...

and wear a condom.

- Thank you, Mrs. Forman. That's good advice.
- Mm-hmm.

- So, um, may I have my piece of cake now?
- Mm-hmm.

And one for Johnny Table.

So when my dad saw that I had broken
the TV with the bowling ball, I said...

"You fix it, dumb-ass."

Ah, it shut him up.

You know, Eric,
I've had a crush on you for so long.

Well, since the paper came out.

Oh, right,
the Most Eligible Viking.

Well, that's just
good reporting.

I can't believe you're Kelso's brother.

I mean,
you're nothing like him.

'Cause he's, like...

And you're all...

- Hey, you want a cold one?
- Okay.

Thanks.

This is fun.

I've been spending, like, way too much time
worrying about my mom and stuff.

Hey, I learned something
in the army.

When things are tough...

turn up the music
and crack open another beer.

Yeah, you mean, like,
things will eventually get better?

I don't know about that. But if they
don't, at least you'll have a beer.

Red, guess what?

I went down to pay for my Corvette, and
some jerk-wad bought it out from under me.

Oh. Well, that's
a tough break, Bob.

But you know what would
make you feel better?

A look at my new Corvette.

Oh, my goodness, it's beautiful.

You bought my car?

That doesn't make me
feel better, Red.

I'm sorry. Did I say
make you feel better?

I meant make me
feel better.

Leo, thanks for letting me
use the Fotohut...

for my date with Rhonda.

And when I say date, I mean...
Do it!

- Hi, Fez.
- Rhonda, you look beautiful.

Well, I'll leave you two with
the same advice my father gave me:

"Get a job, dopehead."

So, here we are.

You know, Fez, I've been
with a lot of guys.

You're more special
than any of them.

Now, I've cleared a space
right over here...

And-And because I care
about you and about us...

I wanna wait.

Wait?

Rhonda, hear me now:
Things are turning blue.

But... But-But, Fez,
I love ya.

But... But!

Oh, I love you too.

- Really?
- Yes, damn it.

So, if you want to wait,
we'll wait.

Ah, come here,
Cocoa Puff.

Yeah, this is nice.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go sit in the snow.

So, anyway, I just turn
to my dad and I say...

"Yes, I am some sort of wiseass."

Well, shut him up.

Anyway, this was fun.

- Call me?
- Okay.

Hey, Emily!

- On the phone, silly.
- All right.

I am silly.

Hey, Foreplay,
is that you?

"Foreplay."
I forgot about that.

- Come here, little guy.
- Okay, all right.

Okay, all right.
Good to see you.

Okay. Okay, all right.
Okay. Okay.

Man, you haven't
changed a bit.

You still got
that haircut, huh?

No.

So, uh, they let you
out of the army, huh?

Yeah. It was kinda like they were
always tryin' to tell me what to do.

Hey, uh,
Pinciotti tells me...

you and her used to go out,
but you dumped her.

Well, yeah. But it was kind of
complicated with the ring.

- And we talked, but she...
- Yeah, it's a great story.

- Anyhow, I'll see you around, Pinciotti.
- Okay.

You too, Foreplay.

Yeah, okay.

Ooh, Casey Kelso, huh?

Better luck next time.

No, actually, I think I might
go out with him again.

Okay!

What...

Okay.

But, um, I have just
two words for you:

Donna Kelso.

See ya.

What... No! But think
of the children!

Little redheaded morons.

They'd have to go to special schools.
It'd be expensive.

Donna and Casey?

He's a Kelso!

Behold, my friends.

Your lovable foreign exchange
student Fez has done it...

with a woman.

Fine. I'm still a virgin!

You forced it out of me.

Stop looking at me!