That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 15 - Tornado Prom - full transcript
It's the the day of the Snow King election ball. Jackie expected to compensate her lost wealth by excelling popularity, so she was friendly -to some- for two whole weeks. Michael is elected king, but when vice principal Cole announces a tornado red alert his admirable efforts to preside over emergency measures, the royal leadership is hardly taken as seriously as it deserves. Jackie is crushed to be mere runner up for queen, so Kelso's girl, not the other way around. Hyde came with some of 'his best', to build a party his style in coach's office, gets caught in the act, but when coach hears about his phobia -tornado- decides to try something: smoking weed! Fez and Rhonda decide also to get rid of their virginity, but... Meanwhile Bob and his floozy Joanne Stupac, who have no shelter, kill time in Red's basement, and his mood... The only ignorant one is Eric, who forgot to bring Donna, whom he promised a ride, and thus arrives at the radio station, where she was left alone, as saving hero, but too scared to drive back, so they spend time alone there and kiss again...
Hey, guys. It is literally
a million degrees out.
I'm wearing shorts in January!
Have you ever seen
prettier legs on a fella?
Michael, we'll admire
your legs later.
Snow Prom is tomorrow. We need to keep up
our campaign for Snow Queen and Snow King.
Jackie, I did campaign.
I wrote our names all over the place.
Kelso, you peed in the snow.
In cursive!
It was awesome.
Okay, look, you may not
take this seriously, but I do.
I used to be a rich,
popular girl.
But now that my dad
has cut me off, I'm not rich...
so I have to be
twice as popular.
Okay, maybe you should spend less time
worrying about being popular...
and more time being thoughtful,
friendly, considerate.
Okay, can I get a translation
because that was gibberish.
Come on, Michael.
Hey, you know what? We should all go
to Snow Prom together, in one car...
all of us hanging out,
laughing, driving.
Whoo-hoo!
Good times.
You need a ride, don't you?
I so do. Pick me up
at the radio station.
All right.
We'll all go together.
Whoa. Whoa. Hyde, you're
going to a school dance?
You're going to stink bomb
the teachers' lounge, aren't you? I want in!
No, man, kid stuff.
See, during the dance, I'm going to throw
a party in Coach Ferguson's office.
I'm bringing my best stuff.
A party with your best stuff?
Are you saying
what I think you're saying?
- You know it.
- Oh, boy, you have a pi?ata?
It's weird. I feel like I'm
forgetting something.
I've got my watch, my wallet,
my who-am-I-kidding condom.
Yeah, sounds like you got everything,
except for a tall redhead.
Yeah. What man
doesn't love a tall red...
Oh, my God, Donna!
I forgot Donna.
Mr. Hyde?
In school after hours?
What, are you trying to
establish an alibi?
Coach Ferguson, shouldn't you be on the
football field teaching boys to play with balls?
Don't push my buttons, wiseacre.
And there he goes.
I think now is a good time
to go fumigate his office.
Oh. I have exciting news
for you two.
Michael, you have been
elected Snow King.
Yeah!
And, Jackie, you are
the new Snow Queen runner-up!
Oh, my God!
This is the happiest day of my life!
Wait, runner-up?
How could that be?
There's been a mistake! It was fixed!
You poke me one more time,
I'm gonna paddle you.
That'd be hot.
I-I have a serious announcement.
A tornado warning has been issued.
I'm told it's code red.
I don't know the codes,
but red sounds serious.
Michael, this is
my worst nightmare.
A tornado is your worst nightmare?
Mine's monsters.
How could I be runner-up?
If I'm not a rich, popular girl,
I'm nothing.
I'm like Donna.
No, Jackie, you are the girlfriend
to the Snow King.
Now, as Snow King,
I must lead my people to safety.
All right, everyone!
Everyone, follow me!
Remain calm, people!
These are just sports balls!
Everyone grab a ball!
All right.
Now, I'm just so
worried about Eric.
A tornado in January?
Yeah, life's full of surprises.
Like these two showing up
'cause they don't have a basement.
Surprise!
Gee, Red, you seem grouchy.
Surprise!
Red, if Eric gets caught in a tornado,
he'll get blown to Canada.
He's very light.
Kitty, the gym is the town's
bomb shelter.
He'll be fine.
I just hope he's not crying.
Everybody knows he's my kid.
Okay, you're right.
Eric's fine.
Let's just talk about something else.
Ooh! You know, Joanne taught me a lot
about lady orgasms.
They've been around
longer than I thought.
Okay, so talking's bad.
I know, charades!
- No, thanks.
- What are you, chicken?
Did you just call me chicken?
That's it. Move the couch, Kitty.
She's going down.
Oh, yeah.
Busted, hophead.
People of the make-out stairwell...
this is your Snow King speaking.
Boo! Hit the lights, fool!
No, th-there's a tornado.
Everyone go to the gym.
The Snow King has spoken!
All right. That's gross.
Who threw the retainer?
Oh, my God, Fez!
A tornado?
This changes everything.
This could be our last night here on earth.
Oh, no. I'm going to die a virgin.
Not if I have anything
to say about it.
You can talk all you want,
but there's a tornado coming.
Fez, I mean, let's do it.
It?
"It" it?
All right.
I'm going to need you.
- Eric, you're here!
- Donna, look, I'm sorry I'm late.
I really did want to pick you up before
the dance. So it's no big deal, really.
No big deal?
It's a huge deal.
I was in back filing records, and suddenly
everyone was gone, and I was stuck here alone.
And you risked the tornado for me.
Tornado?
What tornado...
could stop me from helping you?
So, uh, tell me, um, is the tornado,
like, um... like, out there?
Yeah. They say it's a biggie.
- Oh.
- Eric, are you okay?
Sure.
Uh, it's just that now
that I know you're okay...
I can finally start
worrying about me.
And, see, the thing
about me is...
I don't want to die.
So, what to do?
Let's see, there's you,
there's me, candlelight.
You know, back in
the old days we would have...
- We're not doing that.
- Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
So quick to dismiss the thing
you once ached for.
You mean, cheese sticks?
If you want to call it that, sure.
Gyrating.
Ehh, twisting. Uh...
Hips! You make me
feel like hips!
Uh, time!
We win.
I was dancing!
"You make me feel like hips"?
It could have been a song.
Is it hard to lose, Red?
'Cause you make it look so easy.
You're in big trouble, bud.
You should suspend me.
I need a vacation.
A tornado's coming.
It's code red.
You know what that means.
I think it's serious.
A tornado?
Deadly spirals of wind
really freak me out.
- All right, Coach Girlie. Calm down.
- I can't die yet!
There's so much
I haven't experienced.
I bet I know one thing
you haven't experienced.
Tornadoes get a bad rap, man.
It's not like the Wizard of Oz.
I mean, where are the midgets?
I bet I could bench,
like, 10 midgets.
Hey, look at all the stuff
you confiscated.
Mine. Mine.
Ooh, la, la.
Mine now.
Why am I not Snow Queen?
For the last two weeks,
I was nice to everybody.
Well, maybe not the A.V. Club,
but I mean, come on.
Jackie, you can't just
be nice for two weeks.
You have to be nice all the time.
Or very handsome.
Oh, my banana nose!
Oh. I thought this
was gone forever.
Ha. It's still funny!
Maybe Donna was right.
Maybe being popular isn't as important
as being nice to people.
I mean, I know that sounds wrong,
but anything's possible.
Hey, Jackie, whatever makes
you feel better about being a loser.
Hey, watch the banana nose!
Hey, Hyde, when this is all over,
you think we'll still be friends?
Well, my head says no,
but my heart says no.
So, no.
I wonder what Donna and Forman
are doing right now.
This is the best tornado ever!
I know! And who better to be stuck here with
than America's most beloved rock band...
ladies and gentlemen, Aerosmith!
Hey, as rock legends,
we've had some pretty good times.
But it doesn't get any better than this.
Hello, Wisconsin!
Yeah, I dig this joint too.
Hello, Wisconsin.
That was your Aerosmith?
You're bad at that.
Steven Tyler is way cooler,
and Joe Perry is so dreamy.
God, you're bad at that!
What? That was dead-on!
Right, guys?
I bought it.
You, uh, really think
I'm dreamy?
Whoa.
The station manager's stuff
is way better than ours.
Well, I lived my dream.
Let's go.
Oh, wait. We can't just
leave Jackie here like that.
You're right.
Okay, we're good.
Oh, Toto. Losing Snow Queen
has left me searching for guidance.
Surely, the Wizard of Oz can help.
Oh, well, Jackie, why'd you make me
the Scarecrow? He needs a brain.
No. No, I made you
the Scarecrow...
because you love chasing birds.
- I do love chasing birds.
- Okay.
Is this some kind of joke,
'cause I'm not laughing.
Kelso's the Scarecrow?
Yeah.
Look, guys! I'm a bear.
Fez, you're the Cowardly Lion.
But I want to be a bear.
- At least you got a brain.
- This sucks.
Oh, will everyone just shut up?
When it's your dream,
you can be whatever you want.
I want to be a bear.
Jackie, what the hell?
She totally made you a witch.
That's so awesome!
She made you a flying monkey.
What?
Oh, crap!
- Let's kick her ass!
- Yeah.
Miss Wizard, I'm confused.
I lost Snow Queen.
And now I'm wondering
if titles and popularity...
aren't as important
as being a good person.
Well, how do you know
when you're a good person?
When everyone likes you, right?
When you're popular.
- And how do you know when you're popular?
- Oh, my God!
When you win titles like Snow Queen!
Winning titles and being a good person
are the same thing.
So you go after that title, child.
Oh, I will, Miss Wizard.
I will.
And remember, if someone calls
you shallow, they're just jealous.
Just jealous. Jealous. Jealous.
Ah, our own private stairwell.
This is exactly how I pictured
losing my virginity...
except it was
on a bed of flowers...
and there were two of you.
Tornado passed through,
is heading to Illinois.
Kiss my ass, Chicago!
Oh, my God!
We're-We're safe.
Sex just doesn't seem
important anymore.
I... I disagree.
And... And here's why.
Let's go celebrate with everyone.
Oh, you can make a tornado,
but you can't let me do it?
No, you are not a just God!
Okay.
No six.
No six. And...
six!
- Look, Park Place.
- Ah, Park Place.
- Pay up.
- I told you we shouldn't spend all our money on Marvin Gardens.
Oh, and Baltic Avenue
was such a help.
I bought that with my
beauty-contest winnings.
Mmm. Poor Red, losing again.
While we have this
large housing development...
that I like to call Joanne Land.
Where's Red Land?
I'll tell you where it is.
It's right up your...
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Shh.
This just in. The National Weather
Service has canceled the tornado warning.
And updating our top story,
a local teen is in critical condition...
Oh, game over.
Call it a tie.
A tie?
We had all the money.
So? We had
the get-out-of-jail-free card.
And you can't put
a price on freedom.
Night, night.
Look, Jackie,
I know you're upset...
and I don't know why
you're not Snow Queen.
But I do know this:
I am Snow King.
So that's pretty cool.
Michael, I'm not upset.
I just had the best dream.
And now I've got to
campaign for next year.
Guys, how's my hair?
- Yeah, it's fantastic.
- Wonderful. Wonderful.
This was fun.
We haven't just hung out in, like, forever.
Plus, you're, like, my hero. Most guys would
not risk a tornado for an ex-girlfriend.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, well, I just wanted to kiss you...
before you found out that I went to the dance,
forgot you and I didn't know about the tornado.
Okay, this was swell.
Wait, wait, wait.
So, you forgot me?
Okay, you're mad.
Actually, no.
I mean, if we were still dating,
I'd be super pissed.
But we're not, so it's kind of funny.
You know what?
Let me buy you a burger.
I can't believe you totally
snaked a kiss under false pretenses.
Yeah, I'm a little proud of that, yeah.
Well, I'm a lock for next year.
I introduced myself to everyone.
And I know they liked me, 'cause
they laughed at everything I said.
I mean, I even shook hands with that
nose-picking, chess-club guy.
Ooh, I'd better wash up.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
a million degrees out.
I'm wearing shorts in January!
Have you ever seen
prettier legs on a fella?
Michael, we'll admire
your legs later.
Snow Prom is tomorrow. We need to keep up
our campaign for Snow Queen and Snow King.
Jackie, I did campaign.
I wrote our names all over the place.
Kelso, you peed in the snow.
In cursive!
It was awesome.
Okay, look, you may not
take this seriously, but I do.
I used to be a rich,
popular girl.
But now that my dad
has cut me off, I'm not rich...
so I have to be
twice as popular.
Okay, maybe you should spend less time
worrying about being popular...
and more time being thoughtful,
friendly, considerate.
Okay, can I get a translation
because that was gibberish.
Come on, Michael.
Hey, you know what? We should all go
to Snow Prom together, in one car...
all of us hanging out,
laughing, driving.
Whoo-hoo!
Good times.
You need a ride, don't you?
I so do. Pick me up
at the radio station.
All right.
We'll all go together.
Whoa. Whoa. Hyde, you're
going to a school dance?
You're going to stink bomb
the teachers' lounge, aren't you? I want in!
No, man, kid stuff.
See, during the dance, I'm going to throw
a party in Coach Ferguson's office.
I'm bringing my best stuff.
A party with your best stuff?
Are you saying
what I think you're saying?
- You know it.
- Oh, boy, you have a pi?ata?
It's weird. I feel like I'm
forgetting something.
I've got my watch, my wallet,
my who-am-I-kidding condom.
Yeah, sounds like you got everything,
except for a tall redhead.
Yeah. What man
doesn't love a tall red...
Oh, my God, Donna!
I forgot Donna.
Mr. Hyde?
In school after hours?
What, are you trying to
establish an alibi?
Coach Ferguson, shouldn't you be on the
football field teaching boys to play with balls?
Don't push my buttons, wiseacre.
And there he goes.
I think now is a good time
to go fumigate his office.
Oh. I have exciting news
for you two.
Michael, you have been
elected Snow King.
Yeah!
And, Jackie, you are
the new Snow Queen runner-up!
Oh, my God!
This is the happiest day of my life!
Wait, runner-up?
How could that be?
There's been a mistake! It was fixed!
You poke me one more time,
I'm gonna paddle you.
That'd be hot.
I-I have a serious announcement.
A tornado warning has been issued.
I'm told it's code red.
I don't know the codes,
but red sounds serious.
Michael, this is
my worst nightmare.
A tornado is your worst nightmare?
Mine's monsters.
How could I be runner-up?
If I'm not a rich, popular girl,
I'm nothing.
I'm like Donna.
No, Jackie, you are the girlfriend
to the Snow King.
Now, as Snow King,
I must lead my people to safety.
All right, everyone!
Everyone, follow me!
Remain calm, people!
These are just sports balls!
Everyone grab a ball!
All right.
Now, I'm just so
worried about Eric.
A tornado in January?
Yeah, life's full of surprises.
Like these two showing up
'cause they don't have a basement.
Surprise!
Gee, Red, you seem grouchy.
Surprise!
Red, if Eric gets caught in a tornado,
he'll get blown to Canada.
He's very light.
Kitty, the gym is the town's
bomb shelter.
He'll be fine.
I just hope he's not crying.
Everybody knows he's my kid.
Okay, you're right.
Eric's fine.
Let's just talk about something else.
Ooh! You know, Joanne taught me a lot
about lady orgasms.
They've been around
longer than I thought.
Okay, so talking's bad.
I know, charades!
- No, thanks.
- What are you, chicken?
Did you just call me chicken?
That's it. Move the couch, Kitty.
She's going down.
Oh, yeah.
Busted, hophead.
People of the make-out stairwell...
this is your Snow King speaking.
Boo! Hit the lights, fool!
No, th-there's a tornado.
Everyone go to the gym.
The Snow King has spoken!
All right. That's gross.
Who threw the retainer?
Oh, my God, Fez!
A tornado?
This changes everything.
This could be our last night here on earth.
Oh, no. I'm going to die a virgin.
Not if I have anything
to say about it.
You can talk all you want,
but there's a tornado coming.
Fez, I mean, let's do it.
It?
"It" it?
All right.
I'm going to need you.
- Eric, you're here!
- Donna, look, I'm sorry I'm late.
I really did want to pick you up before
the dance. So it's no big deal, really.
No big deal?
It's a huge deal.
I was in back filing records, and suddenly
everyone was gone, and I was stuck here alone.
And you risked the tornado for me.
Tornado?
What tornado...
could stop me from helping you?
So, uh, tell me, um, is the tornado,
like, um... like, out there?
Yeah. They say it's a biggie.
- Oh.
- Eric, are you okay?
Sure.
Uh, it's just that now
that I know you're okay...
I can finally start
worrying about me.
And, see, the thing
about me is...
I don't want to die.
So, what to do?
Let's see, there's you,
there's me, candlelight.
You know, back in
the old days we would have...
- We're not doing that.
- Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
So quick to dismiss the thing
you once ached for.
You mean, cheese sticks?
If you want to call it that, sure.
Gyrating.
Ehh, twisting. Uh...
Hips! You make me
feel like hips!
Uh, time!
We win.
I was dancing!
"You make me feel like hips"?
It could have been a song.
Is it hard to lose, Red?
'Cause you make it look so easy.
You're in big trouble, bud.
You should suspend me.
I need a vacation.
A tornado's coming.
It's code red.
You know what that means.
I think it's serious.
A tornado?
Deadly spirals of wind
really freak me out.
- All right, Coach Girlie. Calm down.
- I can't die yet!
There's so much
I haven't experienced.
I bet I know one thing
you haven't experienced.
Tornadoes get a bad rap, man.
It's not like the Wizard of Oz.
I mean, where are the midgets?
I bet I could bench,
like, 10 midgets.
Hey, look at all the stuff
you confiscated.
Mine. Mine.
Ooh, la, la.
Mine now.
Why am I not Snow Queen?
For the last two weeks,
I was nice to everybody.
Well, maybe not the A.V. Club,
but I mean, come on.
Jackie, you can't just
be nice for two weeks.
You have to be nice all the time.
Or very handsome.
Oh, my banana nose!
Oh. I thought this
was gone forever.
Ha. It's still funny!
Maybe Donna was right.
Maybe being popular isn't as important
as being nice to people.
I mean, I know that sounds wrong,
but anything's possible.
Hey, Jackie, whatever makes
you feel better about being a loser.
Hey, watch the banana nose!
Hey, Hyde, when this is all over,
you think we'll still be friends?
Well, my head says no,
but my heart says no.
So, no.
I wonder what Donna and Forman
are doing right now.
This is the best tornado ever!
I know! And who better to be stuck here with
than America's most beloved rock band...
ladies and gentlemen, Aerosmith!
Hey, as rock legends,
we've had some pretty good times.
But it doesn't get any better than this.
Hello, Wisconsin!
Yeah, I dig this joint too.
Hello, Wisconsin.
That was your Aerosmith?
You're bad at that.
Steven Tyler is way cooler,
and Joe Perry is so dreamy.
God, you're bad at that!
What? That was dead-on!
Right, guys?
I bought it.
You, uh, really think
I'm dreamy?
Whoa.
The station manager's stuff
is way better than ours.
Well, I lived my dream.
Let's go.
Oh, wait. We can't just
leave Jackie here like that.
You're right.
Okay, we're good.
Oh, Toto. Losing Snow Queen
has left me searching for guidance.
Surely, the Wizard of Oz can help.
Oh, well, Jackie, why'd you make me
the Scarecrow? He needs a brain.
No. No, I made you
the Scarecrow...
because you love chasing birds.
- I do love chasing birds.
- Okay.
Is this some kind of joke,
'cause I'm not laughing.
Kelso's the Scarecrow?
Yeah.
Look, guys! I'm a bear.
Fez, you're the Cowardly Lion.
But I want to be a bear.
- At least you got a brain.
- This sucks.
Oh, will everyone just shut up?
When it's your dream,
you can be whatever you want.
I want to be a bear.
Jackie, what the hell?
She totally made you a witch.
That's so awesome!
She made you a flying monkey.
What?
Oh, crap!
- Let's kick her ass!
- Yeah.
Miss Wizard, I'm confused.
I lost Snow Queen.
And now I'm wondering
if titles and popularity...
aren't as important
as being a good person.
Well, how do you know
when you're a good person?
When everyone likes you, right?
When you're popular.
- And how do you know when you're popular?
- Oh, my God!
When you win titles like Snow Queen!
Winning titles and being a good person
are the same thing.
So you go after that title, child.
Oh, I will, Miss Wizard.
I will.
And remember, if someone calls
you shallow, they're just jealous.
Just jealous. Jealous. Jealous.
Ah, our own private stairwell.
This is exactly how I pictured
losing my virginity...
except it was
on a bed of flowers...
and there were two of you.
Tornado passed through,
is heading to Illinois.
Kiss my ass, Chicago!
Oh, my God!
We're-We're safe.
Sex just doesn't seem
important anymore.
I... I disagree.
And... And here's why.
Let's go celebrate with everyone.
Oh, you can make a tornado,
but you can't let me do it?
No, you are not a just God!
Okay.
No six.
No six. And...
six!
- Look, Park Place.
- Ah, Park Place.
- Pay up.
- I told you we shouldn't spend all our money on Marvin Gardens.
Oh, and Baltic Avenue
was such a help.
I bought that with my
beauty-contest winnings.
Mmm. Poor Red, losing again.
While we have this
large housing development...
that I like to call Joanne Land.
Where's Red Land?
I'll tell you where it is.
It's right up your...
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Shh.
This just in. The National Weather
Service has canceled the tornado warning.
And updating our top story,
a local teen is in critical condition...
Oh, game over.
Call it a tie.
A tie?
We had all the money.
So? We had
the get-out-of-jail-free card.
And you can't put
a price on freedom.
Night, night.
Look, Jackie,
I know you're upset...
and I don't know why
you're not Snow Queen.
But I do know this:
I am Snow King.
So that's pretty cool.
Michael, I'm not upset.
I just had the best dream.
And now I've got to
campaign for next year.
Guys, how's my hair?
- Yeah, it's fantastic.
- Wonderful. Wonderful.
This was fun.
We haven't just hung out in, like, forever.
Plus, you're, like, my hero. Most guys would
not risk a tornado for an ex-girlfriend.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, well, I just wanted to kiss you...
before you found out that I went to the dance,
forgot you and I didn't know about the tornado.
Okay, this was swell.
Wait, wait, wait.
So, you forgot me?
Okay, you're mad.
Actually, no.
I mean, if we were still dating,
I'd be super pissed.
But we're not, so it's kind of funny.
You know what?
Let me buy you a burger.
I can't believe you totally
snaked a kiss under false pretenses.
Yeah, I'm a little proud of that, yeah.
Well, I'm a lock for next year.
I introduced myself to everyone.
And I know they liked me, 'cause
they laughed at everything I said.
I mean, I even shook hands with that
nose-picking, chess-club guy.
Ooh, I'd better wash up.
- You ready?
- Yeah.