That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 12 - An Eric Forman Christmas - full transcript
The gang grumbles Christmas isn't real fun any more, like when they were little kids, except Kelso who looks forward to the traditional X-mas children's specials, but Jackie won't let him watch. Kitty gets them to volunteer for pastor Dave's church pageant, with Eric as director, who has an all too hard time stopping everyone for modernizing their parts most un-biblically. When Dave tries to take over directing and the lead, he is irreverently tied up, enough for Leo to give the sacrilegers heaps. Meanwhile Red is so angry at Bob's seasonal 'noise' that he hides his neighbors' decorations. Yet, in the end...
So, Eric, have you made
your Christmas list for Santa yet?
Well, um, I was going to,
but then I turned 10.
Steven made his.
T-shirts.
Well, I guess I could ask for a
cassette player for the Vista Cruiser...
like I have for
the last... 80 years.
But I won't get one, so I might as well
just ask for a raincoat.
Oh, so you want
a raincoat?
Man, remember when you used to come
downstairs Christmas morning...
and you'd see your stocking over
the fire all filled with toys?
Well, one year, I saw my mom's panty hose
on the radiator...
and, uh, Uncle "Strange Man"
sleeping on the floor.
He had a red nose though.
That's Christmassy.
Yeah, Christmas
used to be so cool.
- Now it's just another day.
- Okay. Okay.
It sounds like somebody needs
a little holiday cheer.
I know!
You could direct the Christmas pageant
at the church.
Hey, yeah, that's the worst idea
I've ever heard!
Eric, you used to love that pageant
when you were a little boy.
And you need some Christmas spirit.
And I already signed you up.
Well, it was fun
when we were kids.
Then again, so was eating crayons.
Yeah, okay.
- I'll do it.
- Good. Okay, now, Steven...
No!
No!
Oh.
So you won't be in a show about
how there was no room at the inn...
even though this innkeeper
gave you a room?
Your guilt has
no power over me!
I'll do it.
Fa la la la la La la la... boned
Guys, check this out.
It looks just like when we were kids.
And look,
the wise-men gifts:
Gold, myrrh, and...
Hyde, I think this one's yours.
That'd be my Baggie
of frankincense.
Well, if it isn't
Mr. First-time Director.
I thought I'd direct,
but the church board...
whose average age is...
nearly dead...
feels that I don't speak
to the younger generation.
Oh, Pastor Dave, I loved last year's
Silent Night, Jazzy Night.
It was really funny.
It was a drama.
You guys, you guys! Great news.
Rudolph, Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,
The Little Drummer Boy...
They're all on TV this week!
We can watch 'em!
Yeah! We can wear our p.j.'s...
and eat gumdrops
and drink Kool-Aid.
Hooray!
Yeah!
Okay, guys, let's talk about
your parts.
Okay, Eric, I want
to be the Virgin Mary.
See, she's pure and holy
and rides a unicorn.
No, Jackie, she doesn't
ride a unicorn.
She does now.
A white unicorn
with speckles.
Write that down.
Hey, is there anyone in this show who
just kind of lies there and does nothing?
Um, there's the baby
in the manger.
I call baby in the manger!
Uh, Eric, I don't want
to play Joseph as a carpenter.
Oh, how about if I play
him as a spaceman?
Okay, uh, Kelso, I don't think Jesus
was the son of a spaceman.
Oh, really? Well, where
do you think God lives?
It's true, man.
What the hell?
It's the Russians!
Aw, geez.
Bob!
Hey there, hi there, ho-ho-ho there!
Bob, it's midnight.
Turn that crap off.
What would I do that for?
Hey, check out
the keister on Mrs. Claus.
I know what I want for Christmas!
Bob, are you drunk?
I'm not sober!
Eric, I have a little
problem with my part.
Um, it turns out you have me
playing a wise man.
Why can't there be
any wise women?
Yeah, okay. I'll take that up
with the guy who wrote the Bible.
Let me get back to you.
Okay, Kelso, you are now
playing a wise man.
- Or a space wise man.
- Better. Better.
How come the foreign guy
has to play the shepherd?
I have never herded sheep
in my life.
Well, once, as a favor.
Why can't I be a lifeguard?
Or a space lifeguard.
Then I could herd all
the ladies into the pool.
"Into the pool, ladies!"
Now, that's a good role.
Okay, uh, everyone?
Everybody?
Um, all of your ideas are all...
um, stupid.
Okay, moving on. Uh, at the end of the play,
when Santa comes in the door...
- Ooh! How about...
- Kelso, I swear to God...
if you say Space Santa,
I'm gonna kick you in the head.
Never mind.
Red, are you stealing Bob's
Christmas decorations?
It's only stealing if you, uh...
if you keep it.
I'm throwing
all this crap away.
Oh, my God.
I'm married to the Grinch.
I'm Mrs. Grinch.
Well, as long as you're not
Mrs. Tattletale, we'll be fine.
Leo, these guys are
driving me crazy in there.
Do you know what they
think is Christmassy? Unicorns.
Right... No, I'm sorry.
Space unicorns.
Well, that's redundant.
Do you have any idea what
this is gonna look like, man?
Shark!
Everybody out of the water!
And off with your tops!
Make way!
Virgin Mother coming through!
We come bearing gifts
of frankincense, myrrh...
and Led Zeppelin IV.
Now, let me get a look at that
cute little baby girl Jesus!
I'm just gonna go home.
Holiday Inn's on TV.
Now, that's Christmas.
You can't go home, man.
This pageant's your chance...
to spread some Christmas spirit,
and that's contagious, like V.D.
I just... I don't think
I have it anymore, Leo.
Ah, don't be fooled, man.
V.D. Comes back.
No, not...
Okay. Yeah,
I'll watch for that.
So. Dipping into
the frankincense, I see.
Well, no more of that. Okay? We're gonna
do this play the way it was meant to be done.
And no spacemen.
And anyone who doesn't like that
is no Christmas friend of mine.
And we should be a little bit nicer to those
of us who want to watch Christmas specials.
I mean, when Rudolph's nose
shone so bright...
and Santa realized he could
guide the sleigh at night...
That was a great moment
in American history.
Kelso, Rudolph was small,
had a girlie voice...
and I'm pretty sure he was
a little light in the hooves...
if you know what I mean.
Of course he was light in the hooves.
He could fly!
I would have guessed Prancer.
Well, you've all ignored me, so I'll take
that as a resounding vote of confidence.
Guys, let's do this thing!
- What on God's green earth?
- But Pastor Dave, I was just...
I know what you were doing. I recognize
that smell from the AC/DC concert.
I was handing out leaflets!
- No, but I wasn't...
- Eric Forman, you're fired.
You know what?
Fine.
Rudolph had a girlfriend!
Her name was Clarice.
She thought he was cute. Okay, if
anyone was gay, it was that-that Hermey.
No straight elf
has hair like that.
Well, as you may know by now,
I had to let Eric go.
Wait, you fired Eric?
Who's gonna direct the play?
I guess that responsibility
falls "unto me."
And I am willing to be the reluctant hero
on this year's pageant...
and whip all you
ne'er-do-wells into shape.
Okay, kids,
that was a good one.
Now, let's work on the scene
where you untie me.
And action!
Give me my
stuff back, Red!
Don't know what
you're talking about, Bob.
And no!
Oh, Red, just give it back.
You don't want anybody
to have a happy Christmas!
Oh, you want happy?
Drink another six-pack.
Oh, this is nice.
This is great.
I guess we have a new tradition here:
The annual yuletide fight.
God, can't anybody just act decent
for one freakin' day of the year?
Well, out of
the mouths of babes, huh?
Well, fine.
Bob, your decorations are in the Dumpster
behind the liquor store.
Thanks, Red.
If I had mistletoe,
I'd kiss you.
Yeah, well, if I had "mistlefoot,"
it'd be in your ass.
You know what
I would like for Christmas?
No more talk about you putting your foot
in other people's rear ends.
Maybe next year, Kitty.
Whoa, dudes.
What'd you do, man?
Leo, man. We're just about
to light the Dave.
I can't believe you guys.
You managed to bring a man of God to tears.
I'm not crying!
I'm talking about me, man.
You know, you guys can hassle
your skinny friend, Eric...
but when it comes down
to a fundamental moral core...
he's the only one of you
that's got one.
So, congratulations.
You've ruined Christmas.
Oh, man. Leo's right.
I mean, this probably isn't our finest hour.
I don't know.
It's pretty damn fine.
Well, Jackie, you know,
since everything's ruined...
we could... I don't know...
go home and watch Rudolph.
Michael, those shows
are for babies.
But I want to watch it!
I wanna!
Grow up, Michael.
You never let me have any fun!
You guys, I feel
kind of bad about Eric.
- Yeah, maybe we should go find him.
- Yeah.
Or we could stay here
and wrap Dave.
- I say, get Eric!
- Come on.
Uh, guys?
Oh, right.
There you go.
Oh, honey,
you looked so sad.
I am gonna let you open your
big Christmas present early.
Wow, it's kind of the size of...
And it's kind
of heavy like...
- I knew you wanted one.
- I can't believe that you got me... a rain coat!
See, it's London Fog!
Did I fool you?
I put rocks in the bottom,
so it would seem heavy.
That's clever.
Okay, now. I'm gonna
wrap it back up.
You can open it Christmas morning
and pretend you're surprised.
Uh-huh. So, we got
that to look forward to.
Okay!
Huh?
What's the matter, Kelso?
Rudolph,
I can't watch you anymore.
- My friends say I'm too old.
- Ho-Ho-Hold the phone!
Too old for Christmas?
That's nonsense.
Yeah, but everyone's
makin' fun of me.
You know, Kelso, people used to laugh
and call me names.
"They wouldn't let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games."
- So, what did you do?
- I kicked 'em in the face.
Blitzen bled like a faucet.
Little Drummer Boy,
what are you doing here?
- Come, they told me.
- No, but what am I supposed to do?
All my friends are gonna think that
I'm a baby if I keep watching your shows.
Aw, screw those dumb-asses!
If they're too old for Christmas specials,
that's their loss.
Can I go now?
I'm very cold.
Kelso, as long as you really,
really believe in our magical world...
nothing in life
can ever hurt you.
So, I can watch.
I can watch!
Whoo-hoo! I can watch!
I can watch! I can watch!
- Look at that face.
- What a nice kid.
I'm not too late.
I haven't missed them!
- Hey, Dave.
- Uh, Michael?
- A little help?
- Oh.
That wasn't fun.
One of the lights burned my neck.
You know, Pastor Dave, the only reason
we mess with you is 'cause we like you.
You do? You do!
I'm cool! I'm cool!
Oh, well, if it isn't the dill-holes
of Christmas past, present and future.
We came to talk to you
about the pageant.
- Dave said he'll un-fire you.
- 'Cause I'm cool!
And we'll do the pageant
however you want.
Yeah, I set 'em straight, man.
Look, Forman, just
come on back, all right?
- Yeah, it'll be fun.
- Yeah. We can all be together.
I mean, it's Christmas,
you know?
Plus, we got you a present.
Oh, man.
A cassette deck.
You guys, thanks.
- So, you'll come back?
- Yeah, okay.
Ohh. Merry Christmas,
Charlie Brown!
Hey, those decorations aren't half bad.
Look, it's snowing!
Yeah, I hooked up
the snow machine.
Don't nobody smoke though.
This stuff might be toxic.
Ohh, a tape player.
Didn't know you wanted one of those!
Isn't it beautiful?
Hey, Steven.
Fix that light up there, will ya?
- Ah, I dropped my candy!
- Oh, no!
Oh! Ah, my knee!
How's that?
Behold! The virgin has given birth.
Isn't he cute? He's got my eyes.
And my hair.
Hark, we come bearing gifts!
- Gifts from space!
- Kelso!
No! Earth air! Toxic! Choking!
God bless us, everyone.
your Christmas list for Santa yet?
Well, um, I was going to,
but then I turned 10.
Steven made his.
T-shirts.
Well, I guess I could ask for a
cassette player for the Vista Cruiser...
like I have for
the last... 80 years.
But I won't get one, so I might as well
just ask for a raincoat.
Oh, so you want
a raincoat?
Man, remember when you used to come
downstairs Christmas morning...
and you'd see your stocking over
the fire all filled with toys?
Well, one year, I saw my mom's panty hose
on the radiator...
and, uh, Uncle "Strange Man"
sleeping on the floor.
He had a red nose though.
That's Christmassy.
Yeah, Christmas
used to be so cool.
- Now it's just another day.
- Okay. Okay.
It sounds like somebody needs
a little holiday cheer.
I know!
You could direct the Christmas pageant
at the church.
Hey, yeah, that's the worst idea
I've ever heard!
Eric, you used to love that pageant
when you were a little boy.
And you need some Christmas spirit.
And I already signed you up.
Well, it was fun
when we were kids.
Then again, so was eating crayons.
Yeah, okay.
- I'll do it.
- Good. Okay, now, Steven...
No!
No!
Oh.
So you won't be in a show about
how there was no room at the inn...
even though this innkeeper
gave you a room?
Your guilt has
no power over me!
I'll do it.
Fa la la la la La la la... boned
Guys, check this out.
It looks just like when we were kids.
And look,
the wise-men gifts:
Gold, myrrh, and...
Hyde, I think this one's yours.
That'd be my Baggie
of frankincense.
Well, if it isn't
Mr. First-time Director.
I thought I'd direct,
but the church board...
whose average age is...
nearly dead...
feels that I don't speak
to the younger generation.
Oh, Pastor Dave, I loved last year's
Silent Night, Jazzy Night.
It was really funny.
It was a drama.
You guys, you guys! Great news.
Rudolph, Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,
The Little Drummer Boy...
They're all on TV this week!
We can watch 'em!
Yeah! We can wear our p.j.'s...
and eat gumdrops
and drink Kool-Aid.
Hooray!
Yeah!
Okay, guys, let's talk about
your parts.
Okay, Eric, I want
to be the Virgin Mary.
See, she's pure and holy
and rides a unicorn.
No, Jackie, she doesn't
ride a unicorn.
She does now.
A white unicorn
with speckles.
Write that down.
Hey, is there anyone in this show who
just kind of lies there and does nothing?
Um, there's the baby
in the manger.
I call baby in the manger!
Uh, Eric, I don't want
to play Joseph as a carpenter.
Oh, how about if I play
him as a spaceman?
Okay, uh, Kelso, I don't think Jesus
was the son of a spaceman.
Oh, really? Well, where
do you think God lives?
It's true, man.
What the hell?
It's the Russians!
Aw, geez.
Bob!
Hey there, hi there, ho-ho-ho there!
Bob, it's midnight.
Turn that crap off.
What would I do that for?
Hey, check out
the keister on Mrs. Claus.
I know what I want for Christmas!
Bob, are you drunk?
I'm not sober!
Eric, I have a little
problem with my part.
Um, it turns out you have me
playing a wise man.
Why can't there be
any wise women?
Yeah, okay. I'll take that up
with the guy who wrote the Bible.
Let me get back to you.
Okay, Kelso, you are now
playing a wise man.
- Or a space wise man.
- Better. Better.
How come the foreign guy
has to play the shepherd?
I have never herded sheep
in my life.
Well, once, as a favor.
Why can't I be a lifeguard?
Or a space lifeguard.
Then I could herd all
the ladies into the pool.
"Into the pool, ladies!"
Now, that's a good role.
Okay, uh, everyone?
Everybody?
Um, all of your ideas are all...
um, stupid.
Okay, moving on. Uh, at the end of the play,
when Santa comes in the door...
- Ooh! How about...
- Kelso, I swear to God...
if you say Space Santa,
I'm gonna kick you in the head.
Never mind.
Red, are you stealing Bob's
Christmas decorations?
It's only stealing if you, uh...
if you keep it.
I'm throwing
all this crap away.
Oh, my God.
I'm married to the Grinch.
I'm Mrs. Grinch.
Well, as long as you're not
Mrs. Tattletale, we'll be fine.
Leo, these guys are
driving me crazy in there.
Do you know what they
think is Christmassy? Unicorns.
Right... No, I'm sorry.
Space unicorns.
Well, that's redundant.
Do you have any idea what
this is gonna look like, man?
Shark!
Everybody out of the water!
And off with your tops!
Make way!
Virgin Mother coming through!
We come bearing gifts
of frankincense, myrrh...
and Led Zeppelin IV.
Now, let me get a look at that
cute little baby girl Jesus!
I'm just gonna go home.
Holiday Inn's on TV.
Now, that's Christmas.
You can't go home, man.
This pageant's your chance...
to spread some Christmas spirit,
and that's contagious, like V.D.
I just... I don't think
I have it anymore, Leo.
Ah, don't be fooled, man.
V.D. Comes back.
No, not...
Okay. Yeah,
I'll watch for that.
So. Dipping into
the frankincense, I see.
Well, no more of that. Okay? We're gonna
do this play the way it was meant to be done.
And no spacemen.
And anyone who doesn't like that
is no Christmas friend of mine.
And we should be a little bit nicer to those
of us who want to watch Christmas specials.
I mean, when Rudolph's nose
shone so bright...
and Santa realized he could
guide the sleigh at night...
That was a great moment
in American history.
Kelso, Rudolph was small,
had a girlie voice...
and I'm pretty sure he was
a little light in the hooves...
if you know what I mean.
Of course he was light in the hooves.
He could fly!
I would have guessed Prancer.
Well, you've all ignored me, so I'll take
that as a resounding vote of confidence.
Guys, let's do this thing!
- What on God's green earth?
- But Pastor Dave, I was just...
I know what you were doing. I recognize
that smell from the AC/DC concert.
I was handing out leaflets!
- No, but I wasn't...
- Eric Forman, you're fired.
You know what?
Fine.
Rudolph had a girlfriend!
Her name was Clarice.
She thought he was cute. Okay, if
anyone was gay, it was that-that Hermey.
No straight elf
has hair like that.
Well, as you may know by now,
I had to let Eric go.
Wait, you fired Eric?
Who's gonna direct the play?
I guess that responsibility
falls "unto me."
And I am willing to be the reluctant hero
on this year's pageant...
and whip all you
ne'er-do-wells into shape.
Okay, kids,
that was a good one.
Now, let's work on the scene
where you untie me.
And action!
Give me my
stuff back, Red!
Don't know what
you're talking about, Bob.
And no!
Oh, Red, just give it back.
You don't want anybody
to have a happy Christmas!
Oh, you want happy?
Drink another six-pack.
Oh, this is nice.
This is great.
I guess we have a new tradition here:
The annual yuletide fight.
God, can't anybody just act decent
for one freakin' day of the year?
Well, out of
the mouths of babes, huh?
Well, fine.
Bob, your decorations are in the Dumpster
behind the liquor store.
Thanks, Red.
If I had mistletoe,
I'd kiss you.
Yeah, well, if I had "mistlefoot,"
it'd be in your ass.
You know what
I would like for Christmas?
No more talk about you putting your foot
in other people's rear ends.
Maybe next year, Kitty.
Whoa, dudes.
What'd you do, man?
Leo, man. We're just about
to light the Dave.
I can't believe you guys.
You managed to bring a man of God to tears.
I'm not crying!
I'm talking about me, man.
You know, you guys can hassle
your skinny friend, Eric...
but when it comes down
to a fundamental moral core...
he's the only one of you
that's got one.
So, congratulations.
You've ruined Christmas.
Oh, man. Leo's right.
I mean, this probably isn't our finest hour.
I don't know.
It's pretty damn fine.
Well, Jackie, you know,
since everything's ruined...
we could... I don't know...
go home and watch Rudolph.
Michael, those shows
are for babies.
But I want to watch it!
I wanna!
Grow up, Michael.
You never let me have any fun!
You guys, I feel
kind of bad about Eric.
- Yeah, maybe we should go find him.
- Yeah.
Or we could stay here
and wrap Dave.
- I say, get Eric!
- Come on.
Uh, guys?
Oh, right.
There you go.
Oh, honey,
you looked so sad.
I am gonna let you open your
big Christmas present early.
Wow, it's kind of the size of...
And it's kind
of heavy like...
- I knew you wanted one.
- I can't believe that you got me... a rain coat!
See, it's London Fog!
Did I fool you?
I put rocks in the bottom,
so it would seem heavy.
That's clever.
Okay, now. I'm gonna
wrap it back up.
You can open it Christmas morning
and pretend you're surprised.
Uh-huh. So, we got
that to look forward to.
Okay!
Huh?
What's the matter, Kelso?
Rudolph,
I can't watch you anymore.
- My friends say I'm too old.
- Ho-Ho-Hold the phone!
Too old for Christmas?
That's nonsense.
Yeah, but everyone's
makin' fun of me.
You know, Kelso, people used to laugh
and call me names.
"They wouldn't let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games."
- So, what did you do?
- I kicked 'em in the face.
Blitzen bled like a faucet.
Little Drummer Boy,
what are you doing here?
- Come, they told me.
- No, but what am I supposed to do?
All my friends are gonna think that
I'm a baby if I keep watching your shows.
Aw, screw those dumb-asses!
If they're too old for Christmas specials,
that's their loss.
Can I go now?
I'm very cold.
Kelso, as long as you really,
really believe in our magical world...
nothing in life
can ever hurt you.
So, I can watch.
I can watch!
Whoo-hoo! I can watch!
I can watch! I can watch!
- Look at that face.
- What a nice kid.
I'm not too late.
I haven't missed them!
- Hey, Dave.
- Uh, Michael?
- A little help?
- Oh.
That wasn't fun.
One of the lights burned my neck.
You know, Pastor Dave, the only reason
we mess with you is 'cause we like you.
You do? You do!
I'm cool! I'm cool!
Oh, well, if it isn't the dill-holes
of Christmas past, present and future.
We came to talk to you
about the pageant.
- Dave said he'll un-fire you.
- 'Cause I'm cool!
And we'll do the pageant
however you want.
Yeah, I set 'em straight, man.
Look, Forman, just
come on back, all right?
- Yeah, it'll be fun.
- Yeah. We can all be together.
I mean, it's Christmas,
you know?
Plus, we got you a present.
Oh, man.
A cassette deck.
You guys, thanks.
- So, you'll come back?
- Yeah, okay.
Ohh. Merry Christmas,
Charlie Brown!
Hey, those decorations aren't half bad.
Look, it's snowing!
Yeah, I hooked up
the snow machine.
Don't nobody smoke though.
This stuff might be toxic.
Ohh, a tape player.
Didn't know you wanted one of those!
Isn't it beautiful?
Hey, Steven.
Fix that light up there, will ya?
- Ah, I dropped my candy!
- Oh, no!
Oh! Ah, my knee!
How's that?
Behold! The virgin has given birth.
Isn't he cute? He's got my eyes.
And my hair.
Hark, we come bearing gifts!
- Gifts from space!
- Kelso!
No! Earth air! Toxic! Choking!
God bless us, everyone.