That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Third Wheel - full transcript

Hey, hey.
Do you guys hear that?

That was me.
I had hot dogs for lunch.

Not that. I'm talking about
the sweet sound of no women.

I never hear that.

Jackie's voice is burned into my brain.

I wish it would stop, but it won't.

Remember back in the day when it was
just us guys? That was good times.

More like desperate,
"I don't care if she has a mustache...

I'll take her anyway" times.

You know what?
I say, who needs women?

Come on! Let's get crazy.
What was that?



Did someone say mini golf?

I'm still not allowed back in there.

I mean, what's the point
of having a windmill you can't ride?

We could go beer bowling.
That's always fun.

I am in, because beer makes you a
better bowler. That's a proven fact.

Wait. Do I have to use
the pink ladies' ball again?

Now, Fez, why do you ask that question
when you already know the answer?

Pink ball only
until I lose my virginity.

Sorry.
Them's the rules.

All right, fellas. You know the rules.
You get a strike, you chug.

You get a gutter ball, you chug.

You get a 7-10 split...

seven to 10 chugs.

Hey, guys, look.
I got 10-pound balls.



Man, that joke never gets old.

Hey, guys, my balls have holes in them.

Now, why isn't that funny?

This is livin'.

A little bowling, a lot of beer,
and just us guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Man, bowling-alley chicks are easy.

Jill.
Glad you could make it.

Guys, this is Jill,
the girl I told you about.

Oh, you're the one
that hasn't put out yet.

Ay! Nice to meet you.

You too. So, who's up first?

Me.

Can I be next?

Hey, buddy? Hyde? Buddy?

Can I talk to you for a second, buddy?

Hyde, what's goin' on? I thought
this was supposed to be guys' night.

Don't worry about it, man.
She's-She's cool. She's like one of us.

In three beers,
she'll be belchin' like a Kennedy.

This is "guys' night only," man.

Yeah, I say out with the whore.

Hey, I'll buy the next round of beer.

The whore stays.

Okay, good night, you two.

Boy, that Joanne...
She's somethin', huh?

- Yeah, she's nice. I like her.
- Good. Good.

Me too. Not that I'm ready
to jump into anything.

I hate jumping.
Makes me jiggle.

But I won't like her
if it bothers you...

'cause I know you've had a tough time
since your mom left.

No, Dad, I think it's nice
that you have a friend.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I also think it's nice that you're
bathing and shaving again.

Yeah. That was a long
eight weeks, wasn't it?

So long.

Boy, Kitty,
you missed a great game.

The Bucks made a last-second shot
and sent those Lakers home...

with their tails between
their California fruitcake asses!

Go home, fruitcakes!

I've never seen old
Pastor Dave so excited.

He swore at the referee.

"Son of a stitch."
I said, "Son of a stitch."

Oh, well, I'm sure that fooled God.

Hey, Dave, the Celtics are in town tomorrow.
You up for it?

- I'm in!
- Oh. Pastor Dave, tomorrow's Sunday.

You have church on Sunday.

Right, church.
Church, right.

Well, just get someone to sub for you.
Every Sunday...

I see six other guys
up there in robes...

who only shake themselves awake
when the wine comes out.

Any one of them could do your job.

Well, if God didn't want me
to go to basketball...

he wouldn't have made
foam fingers so much fun.

Check it out.
The hand of God is pointing at you.

Okay, see you at church.

Yes!
Another strike for Forman.

Man, is there anything better
than bowling with the boys?

Yeah.

- Making out with a chick.
- Exactly.

But first... Hey, Kelso,
there are words on my balls.

Let's go.

Fine. Go.

But they're gonna miss the finest game of
10-pin since "Marvelous" Marv Winkleman...

Wisconsin's "Velvet Thumb."

Yes!
It's another strike!

You guys, I'm in some kind
of... beery zone.

All right. That's it.

Hey, Jill?
Hey, thanks for stopping by.

Hyde, wipe your mouth.
Let's go.

I was gonna go home with Jill.

Well, we came together, Hyde...

so I kind of think
we should leave together.

Fine.
Steven, call me later.

Forman, what the hell
are you doing, man?

Me?
You spent all night...

making out with
little Miss Can't-find-a-bra.

- Hey!
- Come on. You made me the third wheel.

Who cares, man? Her parents are out of town,
and they got a water bed!

But you killed that dream.
I'm out of here.

But... You don't get to storm out, okay?
I storm out!

Hiya, princess.

Rhonda?
What are you doing here?

Waitin' for Fez,
chompin' some cheese curls.

You know what?
Michael doesn't tell me where he goes either.

- I hate that.
- Kelso and Fez are on their way back from bowling.

They want to make out.

How'd you know all this?

Let's French, ladies!

Michael, she's in the loop!
Why am I not in the loop?

All right. Look, Jackie. I don't
know what loop you're talking about...

but...

if she's already in it...

I don't think there's
gonna be room for you too.

Donna.
Well, you're up early.

Surprisingly early.

You slept here?
Already?

You just met!

Listen, Donna,
I'm gonna be honest with you.

Your father and I have started an...
intimate relationship.

And, you know,
it's still a little awkward for us.

Emotionally, not physically.
Well, a little...

I think I might be sick.

Look, I know this is a lot
for you to take in right now.

But I think it would be better
for all of us...

to just stop the charade
and get it all out in the open.

Joanne!
When did you get here?

Oh, my God.

Oh, look at the time.

And on a personal note,
I have an announcement to make.

I have always found happiness in serving
the good people of Point Place.

But after talking to a dear friend...

I realized that church is just not where
the party is, if you know what I mean.

So I'm resigning as your pastor...

thanks to my friend Red Forman.

Red, give the crowd a wave.

Well, if you weren't going to hell before,
you're going first class now.

Go, Bucks!

Kelso, you should tell Jackie
where you go.

That way, when she wants to do it,
she can find you and do it.

Boy, do I want to do it.

Fez, the foundation of every
good relationship is three words:

"I don't know."

"Where are you going?"
"I don't know."

"What are you thinking about?"
"I don't know."

"Who's that under you?"
"I don't know."

You see, it's bulletproof.

Why are you friends with him?

I don't know.

Hyde, what the hell?

What is she doing in my seat?

I don't know.

That's a good one, Kelso.

Just sit on the floor.

The floor?
Why don't I sit on the floor?

Visitors get the floor, all right?
And that's you, Terri Tube Top.

Oh, and by the way, it's winter!

You're a drag.

Okay, well, sayonara, Yoko.

What?
We're kind of the Beatles.

So it's just supposed to be
guys' night out, right?

And in walks Hyde's skank of the week
to wreck it all.

Years of friendship trumped
by one pair of lopsided boobs.

Yeah, that's right.
I noticed, but I didn't say anything...

because I'm nice.

I had to talk to my dad's new girlfriend
about the sex they had last night.

Yeah, okay, you win.

You know, at first, I thought it was great
my dad had a friend.

But when I found out
they were doin' it...

it took things to, like,
a sick place, you know?

And it really made me realize
that my mom is gone.

- Like, gone.
- Maybe you should say something.

No. He's been through so much.

- I mean, I want him to be happy, you know?
- Yeah.

So Bob's sleeping with Joanne, huh?

God, am I, like, the only guy
in Point Place who's not gettin' any?

Yes. Yes, you are.

- And you think that's funny?
- Yes. Yes, I do.

Well, Mrs. Candiotti
just told me to shove...

a very holy book
in a very unholy place.

Nice going, Red.
The whole church hates us now.

Kitty, I had nothing to do
with Dave leaving the church.

You know, God works in mysterious ways.

- "Let he who is without"...
- Oh, can it.

Well, the torch-carrying mob will be here
any minute. Better turn on the light.

They won't need a light.

They've got torches.

Rhonda?
How'd you get in here?

I used my key.

Michael, why does she
have a key and I don't?

Well, it's not because everyone
doesn't want you to have one.

That's for sure.

- Don't sweat it, small stuff. We're all part of the gang.
- Excuse me?

Uh, no.

I had to kiss butt for, like, a year
to be part of this gang.

That was you being nice?

Good God!
She thinks she was being nice?

Look, all I know is you
are not a part of this gang.

Really?

Well...

Snow White...

why don't we wrestle for it?

And if I win, I'm in.

Street rules.
No tap-outs.

- Okay, okay, you're in!
- Yea! I'm in!

That's nice, but...

maybe you should wrestle her anyways.

Oh, yeah!

All right. Shirts off!
Let's get it on!

Oh, good.
You're both here.

Look, I know you two are together...

and, Dad, I want you to be happy.

But I just don't think
I'm ready for this.

Joanne!
When did you get here?

- Dad!
- Bob!

All right. Donna,
what do you want us to do?

- You want us to stop seeing each other?
- No. No.

It's just that...

Well, could you go back to lying to me?

I mean, that seemed to work.

I am always in favor of lying
when it comes to children.

Bob, we were honest with Donna...

and now she's being honest with us.

We'll hold off on
the overnight visits for a while.

Thank you. Thanks.
That's really... Thanks.

Well, if you're not staying the night,
we'd better get upstairs.

Oh, hey, Hyde.
Is that you?

I didn't recognize you without
Skankarilla hanging off your face.

Are you still on this?
It's like having a wife.

Listen, don't flatter yourself. I'd only
marry someone who's nice to his friends.

Her friends. Shut up.
The... The point is...

Yeah, man, I get the point. And you
can drop it, all right? She dumped me.

- What?
- Yeah. She said she didn't like you.

I told her, "Too bad. We're friends."
And that was it.

Oh, man, I feel terrible.
Is there anything I can do?

I don't know, man.
I kind of really liked her.

Hey, how does 10 bucks sound?

Forman, 10 lousy bucks
can't replace Jill.

Yeah.

How about 20?

Jill who?

Okay.

- Hey, Red.
- Dave, what's with you?

You don't just
up and leave the church...

because I invited you to
a basketball game on Sunday.

Red, you said it yourself.

There are six guys who would take my place.
No one would notice.

Sit down, Dave.

Let me tell you a little story...

about three bags of dog crap.

One on my front porch,
one in my mailbox...

and one in the backseat of my car...

all from people who are
so upset about losing you...

that they are willing to find,
handle and bag dog crap.

Really?
My congregation...

has turned to vandalism
and petty harassment on account of me?

I am truly blessed.

- Then you're staying?
- Yeah.

Good.
Now, come on.

Let's celebrate by returning those bags
to their rightful owner.

Like it says in the Bible,
"As you sow, so shall you reap."

Jesus was talking about love,
but it works for doggy doo, I think.

- Jill, what are you doing here?
- All right. I confess.

'Twas me.
I asked Jill to meet us here.

Jill, Hyde's my friend.
That's no reason to break up with him.

What?
He broke up with me.

He said he had
to spend time with you...

because of some brain inflammation
that made you act like a dill-hole.

But I don't have a brain thing.

He forgets he has it.
It's part of the disease.

Why did you lie to me?

Yeah, and me.

Well, the thing is...

you like the Little River Band.

I mean, I... I can't be with a girl
who likes the Little River Band.

Yeah, take that, missy!

And you! You wouldn't shut up
about me making out on guys' night...

which wouldn't have bothered you
if you had a tongue stuck down your throat.

So for the love of God,
man, find a tongue!

I do need a tongue.

Hey, Jill, I like
the Little River Band.

You're both freaks!

Nice try.

- What are you guys doing here?
- Jackie and Rhonda are all mad at us.

We encourage one little
topless girl fight.

And then all the sudden,
we're the jerks.

- So let's bowl.
- Hey, guys, look. I got 10-pound balls.

Hey, guys, my balls are black and blue.

- Good one.
- That's nice.

- That's funny.
- That was good.

My balls are finally funny.

No, no, no, no.
No tap-outs, you girl.

Yes! We have a winner!