That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 13 - Jackie Says Cheese - full transcript
Kitty brings Eric a lollipop, sex pamphlets and condoms to the men's disgust; yet when Kitty is home only one night and Red is out, he tries to steal some back; Eric thinks he thus found the basement stash with Hyde's dope, so the two desperately avoid each-other. To Fez' despair, the new exchange student Thomas, although not much brighter, is instantly popular because of his good looks; so Fez dumps him at the Michigan border. Jackie is broke, expects Kelso to get a job to keep her in cosmetics, but the only one available, at the Cheese Palace, is girls only- as her zit seems an even worse fate, she accepts it grumbling and complaining, but her first paycheck ever is a refreshing new experience...
Hey. L'Eggo my Eggo.
Hey. L'Eggo my foot
in your ass.
Oh. Good morning.
Oh, here, honey. I brought you something
back from the hospital.
A lollipop.
Mom, I'm 17 years old.
Which is why I also
brought you condoms.
Well, see, we had a teenage mom
come in, and it's just...
Well, you know,
I worry about you.
That I'll get pregnant?
You're not a good nurse.
Now, don't be a porky mouth.
Oh. Here. Sexual health pamphlets.
I just want you to know
that intercourse...
is a responsibility,
not just a right.
Okay, well, this couldn't
be more uncomfortable.
Oh, uh,
don't forget your condoms.
I was wrong!
Hey, man, Red's been
spot-checking my room again.
I can't believe
he still doesn't trust me.
You know,
that really hurts, man.
I'm gonna need you
to hide my stash.
Sure. I'll put it in my dresser
under my Hong Kong Phooey socks.
He can protect anything,
because he's faster than the human eye!
You guys, the funniest thing
just happened to Jackie.
Michael, the most horrible thing
just happened to me.
My father found out
we're back together.
And if we don't break up,
he'll never give me any money ever again.
Wait. If you break up
with Kelso, you'll be rich?
Talk about your win-win.
Hold on.
He didn't know we were dating?
Here comes the best part.
I mean the worst part.
My dad thinks you're a bad influence on me,
so I kept our love a secret.
And now, I have to decide
between you and money.
Gosh. It's like
Sophie's Choice for morons.
Hey, let's take a poll.
Who thinks Sophie
should keep Kelso?
- The money?
- Ooh!
- You guys, this isn't a joke.
- But it's funny like a joke.
How do I choose between something
that makes my whole life complete...
and you?
Well, I don't know, baby,
but I love you.
Oh, Michael,
I love you too.
Okay, I choose love.
I choose love!
Aw!
Yeah, aw!
Okay.
Now get a job, because
I need a ton of money.
Guys, I would like you to meet Point Place's
new foreign exchange student, Thomas.
- Hey.
- What's up?
Hello, pretty lady
with eyes like the sea.
No. Which sea?
Okay, easy there,
Casa-new-guy.
I'm showing Thomas
the ropes.
- Hello.
- What, are you crazy?
That's Nicole Mayzell.
She's way out of our league.
Oh. Then we must be
in different leagues...
because I just had
sex with her last night.
Oh-ho-ho!
New foreign guy: uno.
Old foreign guy: Nada.
This is outrageous!
The closest I have come to sex...
was when the football team pinned me down
in the shower and made me kiss my own ass!
Hey, um, if you think
that's close to sex...
then you're gonna be delighted
with actual sex.
Yeah, Thomas, you should stay away
from the football team for a while.
We wouldn't want a cutie
like you to get hurt.
Oh, the football team loves me.
I'm their new placekicker!
What?
Oh, the room is spinning!
How did you do all this?
I have delightful accent.
So do I.
Yes, but a nerd
with an accent is still a nerd.
Now, good day, sir.
I say "good day."
Now, good day.
- Good day.
- Good day.
- I said, good day!
- I said, good day!
- He stole that from me.
- But, Fez...
I said, from me!
Oh, I'm out.
Out?
I am home one night this week,
and you're out?
Hey, don't look at me.
You had a whole bag of 'em,
and you wasted 'em on Eric!
He's probably down there
making balloon animals.
Well...
I guess we'll just sleep.
Well, couldn't we just, uh...
You know, I mean, really,
what are the chances?
We could have a change-of-life baby!
Oh, crap.
I'll be right back.
It's late.
We'll talk about this tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
My sock drawer.
I'm dead! He found your stash!
Do you know what this means?
Yeah. I get your room,
and you get sent to military school.
Eric caught me stealing his...
things.
That's not funny.
I'm a grown man.
I don't go rummaging around
in teenage boys' drawers...
- looking for... things.
- Condoms.
That word is forbidden!
Okay. Good night.
- Condoms.
- Quit it!
I don't know.
I've just always been good-looking.
Look at that foreign bastard...
cracking up the whores.
Checking the score.
Old foreign guy: Nada.
New foreign guy: dos.
Hey, if I pretend to say something funny,
will you laugh?
No.
That Thomas is shady.
But have you noticed he never says
what country he's from?
What country are you from?
What country are you from?
America.
Fine.
Mystery solved.
Psst. Mom.
- Is Dad around?
- No, I think he's upstairs.
Hot!
Hot, hot, hot, hot!
Love you, Mom. Thanks for breakfast.
See ya tonight. Bye.
Psst!
Kitty, Eric around?
No. He just left.
Perfect!
Red, this is just silly.
You can't avoid
Eric forever.
- I know that.
- Well, good.
I just have to avoid him
till he goes to college.
What's that, like, a year?
I can do that.
Hey.
Michael, I'm broke.
I had to buy generic hair conditioner.
And now, I have split ends.
Oh, no one is gonna
notice that, baby.
They'll all be looking
at that monster zit.
I have to ration my cover-up.
So find a job already!
I'm tryin', okay?
It's tough out there.
I just had an interview at that new store
in the mall, the Cheese Palace.
- Where curd is king?
- The very same.
They're hiring a new cheese maiden,
you know, to hand out the samples.
- But I didn't get the job 'cause they want a girl.
- But you're pretty like a girl.
Thank you!
Man, but the manager wants an actual girl...
you know, with boobs and stuff.
Hey, you know who's an actual girl
with boobs and stuff?
Oh, Donna, you don't have
to get a job just for me.
I was talking about you,
pimple chin.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I am not getting a job.
A job is for poor people.
I am a rich person
who doesn't have money.
Big diff.
Hey, is that a blackhead?
No!
Cheddar? Cheddar?
Cheddar?
Try the Swiss.
You can't miss.
Try the cheddar!
It's even better!
The floor's real shiny,
and I see your heinie.
- Oh!
- Hey!
The cheese maiden hit me!
Cheese guards, seize her!
My God, this job is awful!
Are you sweating?
I mean,
is work making you sweat?
No. I'm glistening!
It's glisten!
Whatever it is... Yech!
Look, Michael...
the only reason I have this job
is so that you and I can be together.
All you've done for our love
is sit in a basement eating Fritos.
Well, for your information...
if I send in
80 empty Frito bags...
I get a free
remote-control car...
which I was gonna
give to you...
after I played with it
only a little.
Now, that is love!
Thomas!
Thomas!
Thomas!
What I have to do is show everyone
that I am cooler than Thomas.
You know, I once saw the Fonzie
do something on TV...
that just might do the trick.
I am now going to jump over
a shark on water skis...
to prove that I'm the coolest
foreign exchange student in Point Place.
- He'll never make it.
- Shut up. He can do it.
He's the Fez!
Okay, here I go.
Hit it!
- Oh!
- He's crazy, man!
- He's crazy!
- He's at the ramp!
Ay!
- Yes!
- Yeah, man!
You suck, Thomas!
Fez, you jumped that shark,
and you're not even wet.
That's 'cause
I'm cool-a-mundo.
Ay!
So, what do you think?
Not only is that the worst idea
I've ever heard...
it was the worst moment
in television history.
Yeah, you're right.
I stopped watching after that episode.
Thomas!
This is freaky, man.
Red hasn't said anything about the stash...
which can only mean he's gone
to the much-feared stage: Beyond yelling.
He's gone Darth Vader, man.
Or... instead of
Red snagging you...
maybe you snagged Red...
dipping into Hyde's stash!
I'm just sayin',
everyone's tryin' it.
I guess Kelso's right.
Everyone is trying it.
I'm tellin' ya, this stuff
isn't just for cakes.
It's great all by itself.
Mmm!
Wait, wait. Watch this.
Look at me.
I'm Whipped-cream Head!
Fear me!
All fear Whipped-cream Head!
Mmm!
Kelso, that was delightful.
But the only part you left out
is where Red kills me!
Forman, it was my stash.
I don't wanna leave you hangin'.
But I'm gonna.
So good luck
in military school.
How exciting!
My first American road trip.
I can't wait
to see Lake Dill-hole.
Well, the wait is over.
We're here.
Now, hop out,
you crazy son of a gun.
This is the Michigan border.
- Well, what do you know.
- So where is Lake Dill-hole?
Oh, it's right there
behind the Get Bent Memorial.
So get bent, dill-hole!
What's the score now?
Oh, here we go.
Fez: One. Thomas:
Stranded in Michigan!
Oh, I kill me.
Nice job.
Thanks.
I learned from the best.
Thanks.
I would've taken his clothes.
That's why you're the king.
The Gouda's so good-a.
The Havarti's a party!
Hello, milady.
- "Fondue" you love me?
- Stop doing that!
All day with this.
"Hey, 'fondue' me."
"Ooh, I stepped
in 'fon-dog-due.'"
Oh, my God.
This is awful.
Michael, a few minutes ago,
I smelled stinky cheese...
and it was me!
Look, I'm sorry.
I love you, but I can't do this.
You mean,
you can't "fondue" it.
God, will you shut up!
Look, I am not cut out for work.
I'm cut out for having
rich people give me things.
But you got a job for me.
I mean, doesn't that make you satisfied?
Oh, my gosh!
It's a check!
And that's my name!
Mine!
So we can stay together!
- Yeah, and I can still be rich!
- Yeah!
Well, if this isn't gonna go badly,
I'm heading home.
No, wait.
Jackie deserves a celebration.
Hey, let's go buy me
that remote-control car!
No, Michael.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
Money doesn't grow on trees!
You know, I think
having a job is changing me.
Okay, think about it.
A whole new me.
That'd be great.
- I gotta... - I'm gonna...
- Okay, enough!
You, sit.
You can't make me join the army, okay?
I'll cut off a toe!
- What?
- Okay, okay.
We are just gonna
clear the air.
Right now.
Now, Eric, the other night...
your father and I
were getting intimate...
And we realized
we didn't have any protection.
For hugging.
We just...
We hug.
So your dad went to your room looking
for one of those condoms I gave you...
and you caught him, and he has just been
so embarrassed ever since.
Condoms?
Oh! Condoms.
Yeah, condoms.
What did you think it was?
What did you think it was?
What did you do?
What did you do?
I-I didn't do anything.
Okay?
You stole condoms!
Get him, Mom.
- You're grounded.
- For a week.
Hyde too.
Whatever was in that drawer that you
didn't want me to see, I'm sure it was his.
Fine. No complaints here.
Thank you.
You suppose there was actually something
in that drawer he didn't want us to see?
Who cares?
I know in orientation we talked
about theft in the workplace...
so I would like to report
a theft from my check.
Now, I don't know who FICA is...
but that bitch stole,
like, 10% of my money.
Also, now, I don't know if you have
this key in your typewriter...
but when I write "Jackie,"
I like to dot my "I" with a smiley face.
Also, now, I put this
in the suggestion box, but...
You have something
hanging from your nose.
Oh, and I want Saturday off.
Thank you. Bye.
Hey. L'Eggo my foot
in your ass.
Oh. Good morning.
Oh, here, honey. I brought you something
back from the hospital.
A lollipop.
Mom, I'm 17 years old.
Which is why I also
brought you condoms.
Well, see, we had a teenage mom
come in, and it's just...
Well, you know,
I worry about you.
That I'll get pregnant?
You're not a good nurse.
Now, don't be a porky mouth.
Oh. Here. Sexual health pamphlets.
I just want you to know
that intercourse...
is a responsibility,
not just a right.
Okay, well, this couldn't
be more uncomfortable.
Oh, uh,
don't forget your condoms.
I was wrong!
Hey, man, Red's been
spot-checking my room again.
I can't believe
he still doesn't trust me.
You know,
that really hurts, man.
I'm gonna need you
to hide my stash.
Sure. I'll put it in my dresser
under my Hong Kong Phooey socks.
He can protect anything,
because he's faster than the human eye!
You guys, the funniest thing
just happened to Jackie.
Michael, the most horrible thing
just happened to me.
My father found out
we're back together.
And if we don't break up,
he'll never give me any money ever again.
Wait. If you break up
with Kelso, you'll be rich?
Talk about your win-win.
Hold on.
He didn't know we were dating?
Here comes the best part.
I mean the worst part.
My dad thinks you're a bad influence on me,
so I kept our love a secret.
And now, I have to decide
between you and money.
Gosh. It's like
Sophie's Choice for morons.
Hey, let's take a poll.
Who thinks Sophie
should keep Kelso?
- The money?
- Ooh!
- You guys, this isn't a joke.
- But it's funny like a joke.
How do I choose between something
that makes my whole life complete...
and you?
Well, I don't know, baby,
but I love you.
Oh, Michael,
I love you too.
Okay, I choose love.
I choose love!
Aw!
Yeah, aw!
Okay.
Now get a job, because
I need a ton of money.
Guys, I would like you to meet Point Place's
new foreign exchange student, Thomas.
- Hey.
- What's up?
Hello, pretty lady
with eyes like the sea.
No. Which sea?
Okay, easy there,
Casa-new-guy.
I'm showing Thomas
the ropes.
- Hello.
- What, are you crazy?
That's Nicole Mayzell.
She's way out of our league.
Oh. Then we must be
in different leagues...
because I just had
sex with her last night.
Oh-ho-ho!
New foreign guy: uno.
Old foreign guy: Nada.
This is outrageous!
The closest I have come to sex...
was when the football team pinned me down
in the shower and made me kiss my own ass!
Hey, um, if you think
that's close to sex...
then you're gonna be delighted
with actual sex.
Yeah, Thomas, you should stay away
from the football team for a while.
We wouldn't want a cutie
like you to get hurt.
Oh, the football team loves me.
I'm their new placekicker!
What?
Oh, the room is spinning!
How did you do all this?
I have delightful accent.
So do I.
Yes, but a nerd
with an accent is still a nerd.
Now, good day, sir.
I say "good day."
Now, good day.
- Good day.
- Good day.
- I said, good day!
- I said, good day!
- He stole that from me.
- But, Fez...
I said, from me!
Oh, I'm out.
Out?
I am home one night this week,
and you're out?
Hey, don't look at me.
You had a whole bag of 'em,
and you wasted 'em on Eric!
He's probably down there
making balloon animals.
Well...
I guess we'll just sleep.
Well, couldn't we just, uh...
You know, I mean, really,
what are the chances?
We could have a change-of-life baby!
Oh, crap.
I'll be right back.
It's late.
We'll talk about this tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
My sock drawer.
I'm dead! He found your stash!
Do you know what this means?
Yeah. I get your room,
and you get sent to military school.
Eric caught me stealing his...
things.
That's not funny.
I'm a grown man.
I don't go rummaging around
in teenage boys' drawers...
- looking for... things.
- Condoms.
That word is forbidden!
Okay. Good night.
- Condoms.
- Quit it!
I don't know.
I've just always been good-looking.
Look at that foreign bastard...
cracking up the whores.
Checking the score.
Old foreign guy: Nada.
New foreign guy: dos.
Hey, if I pretend to say something funny,
will you laugh?
No.
That Thomas is shady.
But have you noticed he never says
what country he's from?
What country are you from?
What country are you from?
America.
Fine.
Mystery solved.
Psst. Mom.
- Is Dad around?
- No, I think he's upstairs.
Hot!
Hot, hot, hot, hot!
Love you, Mom. Thanks for breakfast.
See ya tonight. Bye.
Psst!
Kitty, Eric around?
No. He just left.
Perfect!
Red, this is just silly.
You can't avoid
Eric forever.
- I know that.
- Well, good.
I just have to avoid him
till he goes to college.
What's that, like, a year?
I can do that.
Hey.
Michael, I'm broke.
I had to buy generic hair conditioner.
And now, I have split ends.
Oh, no one is gonna
notice that, baby.
They'll all be looking
at that monster zit.
I have to ration my cover-up.
So find a job already!
I'm tryin', okay?
It's tough out there.
I just had an interview at that new store
in the mall, the Cheese Palace.
- Where curd is king?
- The very same.
They're hiring a new cheese maiden,
you know, to hand out the samples.
- But I didn't get the job 'cause they want a girl.
- But you're pretty like a girl.
Thank you!
Man, but the manager wants an actual girl...
you know, with boobs and stuff.
Hey, you know who's an actual girl
with boobs and stuff?
Oh, Donna, you don't have
to get a job just for me.
I was talking about you,
pimple chin.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I am not getting a job.
A job is for poor people.
I am a rich person
who doesn't have money.
Big diff.
Hey, is that a blackhead?
No!
Cheddar? Cheddar?
Cheddar?
Try the Swiss.
You can't miss.
Try the cheddar!
It's even better!
The floor's real shiny,
and I see your heinie.
- Oh!
- Hey!
The cheese maiden hit me!
Cheese guards, seize her!
My God, this job is awful!
Are you sweating?
I mean,
is work making you sweat?
No. I'm glistening!
It's glisten!
Whatever it is... Yech!
Look, Michael...
the only reason I have this job
is so that you and I can be together.
All you've done for our love
is sit in a basement eating Fritos.
Well, for your information...
if I send in
80 empty Frito bags...
I get a free
remote-control car...
which I was gonna
give to you...
after I played with it
only a little.
Now, that is love!
Thomas!
Thomas!
Thomas!
What I have to do is show everyone
that I am cooler than Thomas.
You know, I once saw the Fonzie
do something on TV...
that just might do the trick.
I am now going to jump over
a shark on water skis...
to prove that I'm the coolest
foreign exchange student in Point Place.
- He'll never make it.
- Shut up. He can do it.
He's the Fez!
Okay, here I go.
Hit it!
- Oh!
- He's crazy, man!
- He's crazy!
- He's at the ramp!
Ay!
- Yes!
- Yeah, man!
You suck, Thomas!
Fez, you jumped that shark,
and you're not even wet.
That's 'cause
I'm cool-a-mundo.
Ay!
So, what do you think?
Not only is that the worst idea
I've ever heard...
it was the worst moment
in television history.
Yeah, you're right.
I stopped watching after that episode.
Thomas!
This is freaky, man.
Red hasn't said anything about the stash...
which can only mean he's gone
to the much-feared stage: Beyond yelling.
He's gone Darth Vader, man.
Or... instead of
Red snagging you...
maybe you snagged Red...
dipping into Hyde's stash!
I'm just sayin',
everyone's tryin' it.
I guess Kelso's right.
Everyone is trying it.
I'm tellin' ya, this stuff
isn't just for cakes.
It's great all by itself.
Mmm!
Wait, wait. Watch this.
Look at me.
I'm Whipped-cream Head!
Fear me!
All fear Whipped-cream Head!
Mmm!
Kelso, that was delightful.
But the only part you left out
is where Red kills me!
Forman, it was my stash.
I don't wanna leave you hangin'.
But I'm gonna.
So good luck
in military school.
How exciting!
My first American road trip.
I can't wait
to see Lake Dill-hole.
Well, the wait is over.
We're here.
Now, hop out,
you crazy son of a gun.
This is the Michigan border.
- Well, what do you know.
- So where is Lake Dill-hole?
Oh, it's right there
behind the Get Bent Memorial.
So get bent, dill-hole!
What's the score now?
Oh, here we go.
Fez: One. Thomas:
Stranded in Michigan!
Oh, I kill me.
Nice job.
Thanks.
I learned from the best.
Thanks.
I would've taken his clothes.
That's why you're the king.
The Gouda's so good-a.
The Havarti's a party!
Hello, milady.
- "Fondue" you love me?
- Stop doing that!
All day with this.
"Hey, 'fondue' me."
"Ooh, I stepped
in 'fon-dog-due.'"
Oh, my God.
This is awful.
Michael, a few minutes ago,
I smelled stinky cheese...
and it was me!
Look, I'm sorry.
I love you, but I can't do this.
You mean,
you can't "fondue" it.
God, will you shut up!
Look, I am not cut out for work.
I'm cut out for having
rich people give me things.
But you got a job for me.
I mean, doesn't that make you satisfied?
Oh, my gosh!
It's a check!
And that's my name!
Mine!
So we can stay together!
- Yeah, and I can still be rich!
- Yeah!
Well, if this isn't gonna go badly,
I'm heading home.
No, wait.
Jackie deserves a celebration.
Hey, let's go buy me
that remote-control car!
No, Michael.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
Money doesn't grow on trees!
You know, I think
having a job is changing me.
Okay, think about it.
A whole new me.
That'd be great.
- I gotta... - I'm gonna...
- Okay, enough!
You, sit.
You can't make me join the army, okay?
I'll cut off a toe!
- What?
- Okay, okay.
We are just gonna
clear the air.
Right now.
Now, Eric, the other night...
your father and I
were getting intimate...
And we realized
we didn't have any protection.
For hugging.
We just...
We hug.
So your dad went to your room looking
for one of those condoms I gave you...
and you caught him, and he has just been
so embarrassed ever since.
Condoms?
Oh! Condoms.
Yeah, condoms.
What did you think it was?
What did you think it was?
What did you do?
What did you do?
I-I didn't do anything.
Okay?
You stole condoms!
Get him, Mom.
- You're grounded.
- For a week.
Hyde too.
Whatever was in that drawer that you
didn't want me to see, I'm sure it was his.
Fine. No complaints here.
Thank you.
You suppose there was actually something
in that drawer he didn't want us to see?
Who cares?
I know in orientation we talked
about theft in the workplace...
so I would like to report
a theft from my check.
Now, I don't know who FICA is...
but that bitch stole,
like, 10% of my money.
Also, now, I don't know if you have
this key in your typewriter...
but when I write "Jackie,"
I like to dot my "I" with a smiley face.
Also, now, I put this
in the suggestion box, but...
You have something
hanging from your nose.
Oh, and I want Saturday off.
Thank you. Bye.