That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 17 - Kitty's Birthday (That's Today?!) - full transcript

Wow, Hyde. I can't believe it.
Your own set of wheels.

Yep. She is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Oh, except for that one time
Kelso swallowed that fishhook.

[Chuckling]
That was pretty cool too.

Yeah, that was one magic trick
I could never get right.

All right, Hyde,
this car is fine...

but, I mean,
it's no Vista Cruiser.

How many miles
you gettin' to the gallon?

- Oh, about 11.
- Damn! Okay, fine.

But, you know,
the Vista Cruiser can seat eight-

nine if someone
sits on the stain.



Yeah, okay, Forman,
but do you have any idea...

how many chicks
I can fit in the flatbed?

Thirty-two.
And that's with Big Rhonda.

Damn!

[Gasps]
Eww!

Oh, hello.

What are you doing
back there, Fez?

L- I was-

I was just showing Caroline
the back of my new car and my tongue.

Fez, this isn't your car.

Yeah. Foreigners can't
drive here unless it's a cab.

Shut up.

Isn't he cute? Fezzie, I told you.
You don't have to try and impress me anymore.

I'm your girlfriend now.



I'm sorry, Caroline.
From now on, I will be totally honest.

- Good. Now, come on, walk me home.
- Ah, yes.

And on the way, I can tell you
about the time I killed a shark with a coconut.

[Clears Throat]

All right, Kelso, let's go out cruising
for hot chicks with self-esteem problems.

Yeah. No, thanks, man.
I don't do that stuff anymore.

Shut up and come on.

No, man, I mean it.
I've matured.

Hey, Donna,
wanna go to the mall?

Rerun from What's HaPPening is
opening up the new Dairy Queen.

Actually, Jackie,
as fun as that sounds, um, no.

What? "Hey, hey, hey."

- I'm in.
- Okay.

Well, let me get my beret
and some Certs with Retsyn.

Cool.

Wait a second. You're too mature to go cruising
with me, but you go to the mall with Jackie?

Yeah. It's this new thing we're trying, man.
We're friends.

See, I did some reflecting, and I realized
thatJackie is the only girl I want to be with.

Today?

No, every day.

See, we were meant to be together.
She just doesn't know it yet.

Yeah, but I have a plan.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.

See, she wants to be
just friends, right?

Okay, so I'll be her friend.
But what she doesn't realize is that I'm also a boy.

Yeah, and sooner or later,
friend is gonna lead down the path to boy.

And then
I'll be her friend-boy.

That is a great plan.

- Okay, I'm ready.
- Hey. Let's go, friend.

Okay.

That is such a bad plan.

Yeah, but, you know,
on the bright side...

maybe we'll be there
when it all blows up in his face.

Hangin'out

Down the street

The same old thing

We did last week

Not a thing to do

But talk to you

We're all all right

We're all all right

Hello, Wisconsin.!

Hey, Mrs. Forman.
Happy birthday.

Ohh.

I can't believe
you remembered.

You are the first person
to say anything all day.

And how did you know
I needed more flashbulbs?

Thank you.

- So, do you wanna stay for dinner?
- Oh, no, thanks.

- I'm just gonna grab a sandwich.
- A sandwich!

Steven, a sandwich is a sandwich,
but a Manwich is a meal.

- Oh, well, thanks, Mrs. Forman.
- Uh-huh.

Hey, Mom, what's for dinner?
I'm starving.

- Manwiches.
- Again?

Ahh, we just had those.

Kitty, I left my shirt on the bed.
It needs to be ironed for tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Oh, and, uh...

I know you think I forgot,
but I didn't.

[Chuckling]
Oh, Red, I knew you'd remember.

Yep, the check for the plumber
is on the dresser.

Oh.

Good.

Um...

is there
anything else to eat?

Well, you know what, honey?

I don't give a good gosh darn
what you eat!

Wow, she's really upset.

Yeah. Nice goin'.

See, the boatneck adds
dimension to your shoulders.

And the plum color-
that really accents your jewel-toned eyes.

Oh, my God.
Michael, you just described my perfect outfit.

You are so good at this.

Yeah, I have
a knack for ensembles.

Hey, Hyde, how goes
the cruising for chicks?

It was going fine till I hit a patch of ice
and almost took out a few of'em.

Big Rhonda cracked
my brake light.

[Sighs]
Hi.

- Hey.
- Have you seen Fez?

Uh, no. He went bowling
with his host parents.

Damn him!
I'm sorry.

I was just hoping he'd be here
so we could study together.

Now I have to
walk home alone in the dark.

It's scary out there.
Somebody ran over Big Rhonda.

- Um, do you want a-
- Okay!

Ride?

You know, Michael,
I'm really enjoying our time together.

Really?
Me too.

Yeah, you know, the makeup, shopping,
braiding each other's hair-

- you are like the girlfriend I never had.
- Oh.

Well, thanks, Jackie.
L-Wait.

- Girlfriend?
- [Giggles]

Yeah. I mean,
Donna's nice and everything...

but she kinda dresses
like a trucker.

[TV]

The Waltons.

Now, there's
a grateful family.

Mmm.

And, boy, did they
love their mother.

Oh, great.

I think
I've got athlete's foot.

I am- l-
I am going to bed.

Where'd your mother go?

To bed.

Man, what's wrong
with her anyway?

Oh, who knows?
She's been moody all day.

Let me see the TVGuide.

Ahh. Let's see.
What day is it?

Ah, it's the 13th.

It seems to me I was supposed
to do something on the 13th.

Oh, good Lord!

You forgot
your mother's birthday!

Oh, no. Dad, this is bad.
This is very, very bad.

All right.
Don't start gettin' all twitchy.

Now, we gotta think.

Let's watch CHiPs and think.

[Radio: Rock, Faint]

So, Fez is really nice, huh?

- Yeah, Fez is a good guy.
- Yeah.

You know, sometimes, when I'm
trying to sleep at night...

I think about how much
it would hurt if he ever left me.

And then I say,
"Fez would never leave me."

But then I say, "We've only been going out
for a short time. Maybe he would leave me."

So then, I hold my breath
until my lungs are about to explode...

because that's how much
I think it would hurt if he ever did leave me.

And then,
when I regain consciousness...

I start breathing again,
and everything's fine.

Oops. There's my house.
Thanks! Bye!

- See ya.
- [Door Closes]

[Together]
Happy birthday!

Oh, you remembered?

Well, of course
we remembered, honey.

We just figured that we'd wait
till there was only 15 minutes left in the day...

and you were good and mad...

and then we'd sneak up here
and surprise the hell out of you.

Wow, what a good plan.

'Cause I was awfully mad.

Yeah. We really
had you going.

Here, Mom.
Open this one first.

- It's from me.
- Well, thank you, honey.

Oh, a map of Wisconsin.

Oh, well,
thank you.

And, Mom, I got you
these balloons too.

[Chuckling]

"Knock out the knock-knocks
at Schiffy's Gas-N-Go."

Huh.

Wait, Kitty,
there's more!

A funnel.

'Cause I know how much
you like to pour things.

Well, um, either these gifts
are really thoughtful...

or you bought a bunch of crap
at the gas station!

- What?
- Oh, admit it, Red Forman.
You forgot my birthday.

- [Sighs]
- Quick, Dad, give her the lighter.

Look, Kitty, I'm sorry.

But it's just-

Well, marking the calendar
is your responsibility.

[Eric]
Oh.

Dad, no.

Ah, good morning, sunshine.

So, what's for breakfast?

A funnel.

Ow.

What the heck makes Jackie think
I'm her girlfriend?

All I did was pick out
a few of her outfits...

paint her nails
and give her a facial.

Gee, I don't know, Denise.

Um, guys, can we go inside?

I'm freezing
my choo-choos off.

No way.
I'm not going in there.

I forgot my mom's birthday.

Really? 'Cause I remembered
your mom's birthday.

- If you remembered, why didn't you tell me?
- How would that be funny?

I don't ever have to worry
about forgetting Caroline's birthday.

She wrote it on my arm
with permanent marker.

- Isn't she sweet?
- More like psycho.

What are you doing
calling my girlfriend psycho?

I'm sorry, Fez,
did I say psycho?

I meant nut bag,
head case, wackadoo.

She chokes herself, man.

Well, Hyde, maybe-
maybe you should-

maybe you should
choke yourself!

Good day.

- Fez-
- I said good day!

Man, what fun is it
being a girlfriend...

if you don't even have
your own boobs to play with?

So what, Kelso?
So you're her girlfriend.

What could possibly be
so bad about that?

L-I'll tell you
what could be so bad.

Oh, Michael, this is
the happiest day of my life.

Thank you so much
for being my maid of honor.

That's what girlfriends do.

I'm just honored you asked me.

Yeah, but...

you know, on the flip side, try to think
about your life withoutJackie at all.

[Water DriPPing]

Wow. That's even worse.

Hey, girlfriends sometimes
make out together, right?

Yeah, usually right after
long, sweaty pillow fights.

Yeah, man, it happens
all the time.

All right!

Hey, Mrs. Forman.

- Is Eric home?
- Eric?

Oh, you mean my son,
the map giver.

I don't know,
and I don't care.

- Mrs. Forman, are you okay?
- Oh, I am just freakin' fine!

What happened?

Well, you know
I love my family.

It's just sometimes I want to
get in the car and run 'em all over.

They forgot my birthday.

I'm gonna go kick Eric's ass right now!

No. I mean, it's one thing
when they don't notice...

when I get my hair done differently-
which they don't-

but this is my birthday.

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe I expect too much.

No, Mrs. Forman,
you have every right to be mad.

In fact, you should be madder.
You're, like, the best mom in the world.

Yeah!

Thank you, Donna.

I just wish my own family
would say that once in a while.

[Sighs]

Oh, sweetie, that's not
your breakfast, is it?

- Yeah.
- Oh. [Chuckles]

Why don't you just let me
make you some nice waffles instead?

Oh, cool.
I love frozen waffles.

Oh, honey.
No, no, no, no.

I make my waffles
from scratch.

Those bastards!

Now, would you
look at her boobs?

I am.

And it's-
it's disgusting.

I mean, what is she thinking,
packing in those sweet melons like that?

I can't even
look away.

You know, Michael, I have to say,
I'm really enjoying our new friendship together.

- I love spending time with you.
- Me too.

Do you wanna go to your house
and have a nice, sweaty pillow fight?

[Gasps]
Okay.

- Hello, Caroline.
- Oh, hi, Fez.

So, hey, listen,
just, uh-just curious...

um...

do you sometimes
choke yourself?

Yeah. But I only do it because
I love you more than anything in the world.

Okay, I'm good
with that.

I'll get you
a soda, lover.

Don't forget to breathe
while I'm gone.

Hey, so how's it going
with "Mental Mary"?

I owe you
an apology, Hyde.

She is crazy.

But she's crazy for me.

[Gasping]

[Sighs]

[No Audible Dialogue]

Yeah. Oh!
Here she comes.

Oh, my God.
She didn't even look at us.

- [Sighs]
- I don't think I've ever
seen Mom so mad. Have you?

- Not since she stopped drinking.
- What?

Nothing.
[Clears Throat]

Look, obviously your mother's
very upset about something.

And desperate times
call for desperate measures.

For the last 10 years...

she's been asking us
to do something...

and every time we say no.

Because what she wants
is the most horrible thing in the world.

I won't do it.

Oh, you will do it.

And you will like it!

Need a partner
Turn the partner by the right hand round

I can't believe
we're finally square dancing.

Oh, this is so much fun.

It looks like
"Hee-Haw" puked in here.

Come on, honey,
let's dance.

Oh, my God.
This is awful.

She made me waffles.
Now promenade, you son of a bitch!

[Continues]

Bow to your partner
corners, all

Circle to the left
go around that hall

Circle to the left
all around you go

When you're there and then

Do an allemande left
with the corner maid

Do-si-do with
a partner there

Then start by the left
in the middle

Go all the way around
and then pick up your partner
with an arm around

Start a Promenade
and go around that town

Then when you're there, ladies
you backtrack

Go the other way around

Meet a Partner
Turn the Partner by the right hand round

And back to the corner
for an allemande left

Buck right in
for right and left grand

Whoo-hee

So, Mom, we found this present
we just had to get you.

So, happy birthday.

Ohh. I thought square dance night
was my present.

It is. But we really
messed up this year.

- Well, we're sorry.
- [Clicks Tongue] Ohh.

[Chuckles]

"World's Darn Tootin'est Mom."

Do you really think so?

You're darn tootin'.

Okay. Well-
[Clears Throat]

I think I've had
enough do-si-dos for one night.

So, what do you say
we all go home and have hot fudge sundaes?

- Oh, yes.
- Thank God.

Bastards.

- Valentine's Day.
- Check.

- Anniversary.
- Check.

- Mother's Day.
- Check.

Well, I think
we got 'em all.

Uh, Dad, we forgot
her birthday again.

Damn it, Eric,
pay attention!

[Sighs]
Valentine's Day.

Check.

- Anniversary.
- Check.

- Mother's Day.
- Check.