That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 16 - Romantic Weekend - full transcript
Playing in gym class with super-easy Pam Macy, Kelso fails to 'perform as a man'; the other boys' cruel word puns make him cry, but dreaming about Jackie as his genie cures him- alas not really, and Pam won't even be discrete. Eric lies about maths-tutoring Kelso to get parental permission, in fact to make a weekend trip in a cheap hotel with Donna, whose parents don't even listen. Alas their room neighbors are none other then Red and Kitty, romantic for once. Red and Eric would keep to quiet, but Donna goes over; for his silence to Kitty, Red is kicked out by Kitty and bunks with Eric- when the oldies make up, Eric is locked out, and Donna's parents...
[Grunts]
Hey. What are you guys up to?
We're spending the weekend
at a hotel.
What, car sex isn't
good enough anymore?
I would love car sex.
Or just sex.
Or just a car.
I have to get out of town.
Ever since my dad lost the store...
he just shuffles around
in a not-completely-closed bathrobe.
It's really depressing.
"The Wisconsin Dells'
most romantic hideaway.
Hunters and truckers
always welcome."
- That's nice.
- Sounds awesome. I'm gonna go pack.
You guys. The weirdest thing
just happened with Pam Macy.
Kelso, man, she'll do that
with any guy standing in front of her.
Okay. So, I'm making out
with Pam in the orchestra pit...
and everything is progressin'
like normal until-
- What?
- You know...
the really, really bad thing that can
happen to guys when they're with girls.
Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in
to buff the floor?
No.
Okay.
Let me put it this way.
The buffer wouldn't buff.
Poor Mr. Cooper.
No, Fez. I think
what he's tryin' to say is...
the rabbit wouldn't
come out of the hat.
The weasel wouldn't pop.
The alphabet soup
never spelled "go."
Okay! All right! Enough!
Actually, not quite.
There are a lot of Amish people...
but they never raised a barn.
Forman, man,
that was awesome.
Hey. It just came to me.
Oh, I get it.
The barn is Kelso's pants.
[Whimpers]
Okay! You guys, this is not funny!
- This is, like, a nightmare.
- Yes. Eric, stop teasing.
Kelso, I want you to know
that I feel bad for you...
and that I am sorry...
you are not a man!
Hangin'out
Down the street
The same old thing
We did last week
Not a thing to do
But talk to you
We're all all right
We're all all right
Hello, Wisconsin.!
So, looks like I'm gonna spend
the weekend with Kelso- tutor him in math.
Really.
Hmm.
So, you're allegedly
tutoring Kelso in math.
- Yes, sir.
- Are you good in math?
What's the square root of"x"?
- Um, I really can't answer that.
- Aha!
No. See, "x" is a variable,
so until you define its parameters...
the only possible answer is a variable-
or "x" if you prefer.
Is that right?
Sounds good.
- Will Michael's parents be home?
- Yes.
Are they as dumb as he is?
I can't lie. Yes.
Yes, they are.
Right answer.
That was a trick question.
I know they're dumb.
So, I can go?
You can go,
but I'll be watching the news.
And if anything is vandalized...
or explodes...
or catches on fire...
"x" is gonna equal me
kicking your ass.
So, anyway, Jackie's, uh,
havin' trouble in school stuff...
and, uh, I thought I should
stay with her this weekend-
tutor her in, you know, stuff.
- Anyone?
- I'm sorry, honey.
I can't concentrate when
your father's robe is open.
Leave me alone.
I'm ventilating.
Okay. See ya Sunday.
[Man]
Jeannie, I'm home.
- [Boing]
- Oh.
Hello, GenieJackie.
Hello, Master Major Michael.
How was your day?
Pretty good, pretty good.
But I'm starvin'.
I've been on the moon all day,
and I missed lunch.
- I can fix that.
- [Boing]
Damn. I love havin' a genie.
- Well, let's eat.
- Okay.
Unless you're hungry for
something besides food, Master.
[Boing]
Actually, I'm havin' a little problem
in this department lately.
- Not anymore.
- [Boing]
Ho-ho! You're
the best genie ever!
[Beeping]
Hello? Pam?
I'm back!
[Laughing]
You know, Red, with the house
empty this weekend...
it might be a- a nice opportunity
for a little romance.
Uh-huh.
Is that, "Uh-huh,
my passion burns for you"...
or "Uh-huh, you're
as exciting as an old hat"?
Well, what kind of old hat?
How about a hat that's about
to be super P.O.'d?
Oh. Then the passion one.
Okay. I'm gonna sneak some beer
outta the fridge. You go be lookout.
You can count on me.
[Objects Clattering]
Hyde, the Formans are home.
- A little late, Fez.
- It's funnier this way.
Okay, you two, out.
Here. Here, you can each
have a Snack Pack.
[Together]
Thank you, Mrs. Forman.
Ooh. Chocolate.
Okay, Kitty.
I'm gonna cook you
a romantic dinner.
So, you go put on
something pretty...
and I'll warm up the toaster oven.
Oh, wow. Dinner from
the toaster oven. Ha ha.
Well, whoop-de-do.
I'll put on my fancy dress.
Okay. I'm gonna work
on Plan "B."
Oh, I would.
This place is awesome.
I know. There's gotta be,
like, 17 pillows on this bed.
What's this?
Oh, my God.
It's a tiny fridge...
with, like, a million bottles
of tiny liquor.
[Gasps]
And tiny cookies.
Oh, yeah? Well, in there-
tiny shampoo and tiny soap.
Donna, I think elves work here.
I feel so classy.
I'm stealing all of it.
Look, Pam, I'm really sorry
about what happened...
again.
I must have the flu or something.
Well, it's not like any flu
I've ever heard of.
Well, there's lots of kinds
of flu, Pam!
I'm sorry.
Oh, well, don't take it so hard.
Oops. Sorry.
Look, just don't
tell anybody, okay?
Oh, Flopsy, I'm not
gonna tell anybody.
I'm gonna tell everybody.
- [Radio: Loud Rock]
- Eric.
Do you know that if you mix Kahl?a and scotch,
it tastes just like Dr. Pepper?
You're cute.
Okay.
I think you're cute too...
and a little drunk-
which is gonna make my job
a whole lot easier.
[Pounding]
What's that?
- I guess the guy next door
thinks we're being too loud.
- Oh, yeah?
What-
[Pounding]
Oh, my God.
He just pounded right back.
Uh, okay. You know what?
Let's just be quiet.
- [StoPs]
- But then he wins, Eric.
We need to get the last pound.
See? We won.
We're not gonna take crap.
We're gonna give it,
'cause we're fearless.
- [Pounding]
- Oh, my God. He's at the door.
Okay, you know what?
I think I have a little fear.
So, let's just, uh, be really quiet
and pretend we're not here.
- And maybe he'll just think we're not here.
- [Whispering] Okay.
Will you cut it out!
Okay, look, just
stay in here and shush.
- [Loud WhisPer] Okay.
- [Pounding]
[Pounding]
- Eric!
- Dad.
[Giggling]
Hey, it's Big Red.
Son of a bitch!
What the hell
are you doing here?
Wait. What are you doing here?
Oh, my God.
Who are you with?
Your mother, you dumb-ass.
Okay. I'm gonna make
a deal with you.
I never saw you.
I don't know you're here.
Wait. So we're good?
No, no. You're gettin'
your ass kicked on Monday.
But for now,
you shut up and stay here.
If your mother sees you,
my fun time is over.
Oh, this is just awful!
Oh. No, hey, cheer up.
I've been in trouble with Red before.
It's okay.
No, it's not that.
It's just seeing your dad
reminded me of my dad.
Your dad's going away
on nice weekends and having fun...
and my dad's out of work and sad.
Plus your robe's not completely closed,
and that reminds me of him too.
Okay. Okay, you know what?
Let's turn that frown upside-down.
That's right. Let's have
super-hot sex, baby.
And by super-hot sex,
I mean...
let's talk about your sad feelings.
Okay, Jackie, I have some really
terrible news about Kelso...
that will make us both laugh a lot.
Yeah. I already know. Pam Macy
made this big announcement in gym.
[Laughing]
[Chuckles]
Jackie, this is where
we both laugh a lot.
Actually, Fez,
I don't find it that funny.
I kinda feel sad for him.
But you hate him.
He totally screwed you over.
Yeah, but he's grown up
a lot since then.
And he's suffered,
and I'm over it by now.
Poor Michael.
Poor Michael?
Well, I see I have wasted my time
talking to you. Good day, miss.
- Wait, Fez.
- I said good day.
What should we do
with all of this time alone?
- [Knocking]
- I'll get that.
I ordered you a special surprise.
Ta-da!
Donna?
Donna is my surprise?
Donna? What the... heck
are you doin' here, Donna?
What the heck?
Mrs. Forman, Eric is being a jerk,
and I wanted to talk to my mom.
But since she's not here,
can I talk to you?
[Red]
Eric's here too?
What on earth is goin' on?
What the heck?
- Red, what is going on here?
- Oh, I'm just as surprised as you.
Oh, all right!
- Eric and Donna are the noisy people next door.
- And you didn't tell me?
Hello, Mommy?
I'm sad!
[Pounding]
Donna, where have you-
Your mother kicked me out.
Oh, no.
I said no.
Guys, I gotta tell you somethin'.
I'm omnipotent.
[Laughing]
- [Laughing]
- [Thud]
Huh. This does taste
like Dr. Pepper.
Told ya.
Hey, you know what?
I think I might puke.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no.
Honey, nobody gets sick
in Mr. And Mrs. Forman's room.
[Laughing]
You know, it is a lovely room.
Red just saw the brochure
on the counter...
and then he whisked me up
and he brought me here.
It was very Humphrey Bogart.
Eric did the same thing for me.
- Sometimes he's really sweet.
- Uh-huh.
Do you have a bucket?
- [Knocking]
- [Man] Room service.
Honey. Honey, pretty girls
do not throw up.
Oh, no, no. No, no.
I didn't order this.
Oh, uh, it was ordered by
a Mr. Red Forman.
Oh, my gosh.
This must have been his surprise.
Oh! Flowers, champagne.
Cashews.
The most expensive nut,
you know.
Oh, dear, sweet Red.
I have to go see him.
- Are you feeling better?
- No.
Okay, good. Nighty-night.
Why is everything doing that?
Hey, Michael.
I heard what happened with Pam.
And I want you to know, that according
to CosmoPolitan magazine, you're not a freak.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
They say that, lots of times
when it happens to a guy...
it's not that he can't, it's just that
he secretly doesn't want to.
Okay, well, not to criticize...
but Cosmo's never seen
Pam Macy naked.
Michael, just think about it.
Do you like Pam?
Well, I like parts of her.
Well, maybe that's not enough.
And maybe your body's mature enough
to realize that even if your brain isn't.
Okay, well, you know,
if this is about maturity...
then I want nothing
to do with it.
Look, Michael,
don't worry, okay?
When you find the girl
you're meant to be with...
you'll be able to do
all the stuff you want.
I promise.
I hope you're right.
Thanks, Jackie.
- I'm back.
- What?
Nothin'.
Good hug!
Out.
But it's my room.
Love ya, sweetie.
Donna.
Donna, are you there?
- [Knocking]
- Donna, Please oPen the door, Please.
[Knocking Continues]
Great. I'm locked out
of both rooms.
Well, at least I don't have any pants.
I want you to open that door right now.
Our daughter's in there, and she's drunk.
I really shouldn't be doing this.
Okay. Then I'll just sue you...
until you're dead.
- [Bob] You get off my daughter.!
- [Red] Bob.! What the hell?
[Bob]
Red?
[Midge]
Ooh.! Kitty, what a Pretty nightgown.
[Kitty]
Thank you, Midge.
Could you hand it to me, Please?
Look, I'm sorry about
getting all tipsy last night.
Oh, no. Please,
I'm sorry.
- The fight was all my fault.
- Fight? We had a fight?
No.
- What did you do?
- Nothing.
Obviously you did something. I want to know
what it is in case I'm still mad about it.
Well, okay.
I had said that you were
the most beautiful girl in the world...
and then you got all mad
and said, "Get bent."
Not your finest hour,
but... I still love you.
Wow. You must be really
upset about this.
Um...
kind of, yeah.
Well, come on, Eric.
Let's turn that frown upside-down.
That's right.
Let's have super-hot sex, baby.
Oh, crap.
Well, GenieJackie,
I am in the mood...
for some hot master-genie lovin'.
Oh, I'm sorry,
Master Major Michael.
But what we are going to have
is a warm master-genie friendship.
In fact, I am the master now,
and you are the genie.
[Boing]
Except you will not have
any genie powers.
You will just do as I say.
Now, do my math homework, Genie.
[Boing]
[Kelso]
No.!
Hey. What are you guys up to?
We're spending the weekend
at a hotel.
What, car sex isn't
good enough anymore?
I would love car sex.
Or just sex.
Or just a car.
I have to get out of town.
Ever since my dad lost the store...
he just shuffles around
in a not-completely-closed bathrobe.
It's really depressing.
"The Wisconsin Dells'
most romantic hideaway.
Hunters and truckers
always welcome."
- That's nice.
- Sounds awesome. I'm gonna go pack.
You guys. The weirdest thing
just happened with Pam Macy.
Kelso, man, she'll do that
with any guy standing in front of her.
Okay. So, I'm making out
with Pam in the orchestra pit...
and everything is progressin'
like normal until-
- What?
- You know...
the really, really bad thing that can
happen to guys when they're with girls.
Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in
to buff the floor?
No.
Okay.
Let me put it this way.
The buffer wouldn't buff.
Poor Mr. Cooper.
No, Fez. I think
what he's tryin' to say is...
the rabbit wouldn't
come out of the hat.
The weasel wouldn't pop.
The alphabet soup
never spelled "go."
Okay! All right! Enough!
Actually, not quite.
There are a lot of Amish people...
but they never raised a barn.
Forman, man,
that was awesome.
Hey. It just came to me.
Oh, I get it.
The barn is Kelso's pants.
[Whimpers]
Okay! You guys, this is not funny!
- This is, like, a nightmare.
- Yes. Eric, stop teasing.
Kelso, I want you to know
that I feel bad for you...
and that I am sorry...
you are not a man!
Hangin'out
Down the street
The same old thing
We did last week
Not a thing to do
But talk to you
We're all all right
We're all all right
Hello, Wisconsin.!
So, looks like I'm gonna spend
the weekend with Kelso- tutor him in math.
Really.
Hmm.
So, you're allegedly
tutoring Kelso in math.
- Yes, sir.
- Are you good in math?
What's the square root of"x"?
- Um, I really can't answer that.
- Aha!
No. See, "x" is a variable,
so until you define its parameters...
the only possible answer is a variable-
or "x" if you prefer.
Is that right?
Sounds good.
- Will Michael's parents be home?
- Yes.
Are they as dumb as he is?
I can't lie. Yes.
Yes, they are.
Right answer.
That was a trick question.
I know they're dumb.
So, I can go?
You can go,
but I'll be watching the news.
And if anything is vandalized...
or explodes...
or catches on fire...
"x" is gonna equal me
kicking your ass.
So, anyway, Jackie's, uh,
havin' trouble in school stuff...
and, uh, I thought I should
stay with her this weekend-
tutor her in, you know, stuff.
- Anyone?
- I'm sorry, honey.
I can't concentrate when
your father's robe is open.
Leave me alone.
I'm ventilating.
Okay. See ya Sunday.
[Man]
Jeannie, I'm home.
- [Boing]
- Oh.
Hello, GenieJackie.
Hello, Master Major Michael.
How was your day?
Pretty good, pretty good.
But I'm starvin'.
I've been on the moon all day,
and I missed lunch.
- I can fix that.
- [Boing]
Damn. I love havin' a genie.
- Well, let's eat.
- Okay.
Unless you're hungry for
something besides food, Master.
[Boing]
Actually, I'm havin' a little problem
in this department lately.
- Not anymore.
- [Boing]
Ho-ho! You're
the best genie ever!
[Beeping]
Hello? Pam?
I'm back!
[Laughing]
You know, Red, with the house
empty this weekend...
it might be a- a nice opportunity
for a little romance.
Uh-huh.
Is that, "Uh-huh,
my passion burns for you"...
or "Uh-huh, you're
as exciting as an old hat"?
Well, what kind of old hat?
How about a hat that's about
to be super P.O.'d?
Oh. Then the passion one.
Okay. I'm gonna sneak some beer
outta the fridge. You go be lookout.
You can count on me.
[Objects Clattering]
Hyde, the Formans are home.
- A little late, Fez.
- It's funnier this way.
Okay, you two, out.
Here. Here, you can each
have a Snack Pack.
[Together]
Thank you, Mrs. Forman.
Ooh. Chocolate.
Okay, Kitty.
I'm gonna cook you
a romantic dinner.
So, you go put on
something pretty...
and I'll warm up the toaster oven.
Oh, wow. Dinner from
the toaster oven. Ha ha.
Well, whoop-de-do.
I'll put on my fancy dress.
Okay. I'm gonna work
on Plan "B."
Oh, I would.
This place is awesome.
I know. There's gotta be,
like, 17 pillows on this bed.
What's this?
Oh, my God.
It's a tiny fridge...
with, like, a million bottles
of tiny liquor.
[Gasps]
And tiny cookies.
Oh, yeah? Well, in there-
tiny shampoo and tiny soap.
Donna, I think elves work here.
I feel so classy.
I'm stealing all of it.
Look, Pam, I'm really sorry
about what happened...
again.
I must have the flu or something.
Well, it's not like any flu
I've ever heard of.
Well, there's lots of kinds
of flu, Pam!
I'm sorry.
Oh, well, don't take it so hard.
Oops. Sorry.
Look, just don't
tell anybody, okay?
Oh, Flopsy, I'm not
gonna tell anybody.
I'm gonna tell everybody.
- [Radio: Loud Rock]
- Eric.
Do you know that if you mix Kahl?a and scotch,
it tastes just like Dr. Pepper?
You're cute.
Okay.
I think you're cute too...
and a little drunk-
which is gonna make my job
a whole lot easier.
[Pounding]
What's that?
- I guess the guy next door
thinks we're being too loud.
- Oh, yeah?
What-
[Pounding]
Oh, my God.
He just pounded right back.
Uh, okay. You know what?
Let's just be quiet.
- [StoPs]
- But then he wins, Eric.
We need to get the last pound.
See? We won.
We're not gonna take crap.
We're gonna give it,
'cause we're fearless.
- [Pounding]
- Oh, my God. He's at the door.
Okay, you know what?
I think I have a little fear.
So, let's just, uh, be really quiet
and pretend we're not here.
- And maybe he'll just think we're not here.
- [Whispering] Okay.
Will you cut it out!
Okay, look, just
stay in here and shush.
- [Loud WhisPer] Okay.
- [Pounding]
[Pounding]
- Eric!
- Dad.
[Giggling]
Hey, it's Big Red.
Son of a bitch!
What the hell
are you doing here?
Wait. What are you doing here?
Oh, my God.
Who are you with?
Your mother, you dumb-ass.
Okay. I'm gonna make
a deal with you.
I never saw you.
I don't know you're here.
Wait. So we're good?
No, no. You're gettin'
your ass kicked on Monday.
But for now,
you shut up and stay here.
If your mother sees you,
my fun time is over.
Oh, this is just awful!
Oh. No, hey, cheer up.
I've been in trouble with Red before.
It's okay.
No, it's not that.
It's just seeing your dad
reminded me of my dad.
Your dad's going away
on nice weekends and having fun...
and my dad's out of work and sad.
Plus your robe's not completely closed,
and that reminds me of him too.
Okay. Okay, you know what?
Let's turn that frown upside-down.
That's right. Let's have
super-hot sex, baby.
And by super-hot sex,
I mean...
let's talk about your sad feelings.
Okay, Jackie, I have some really
terrible news about Kelso...
that will make us both laugh a lot.
Yeah. I already know. Pam Macy
made this big announcement in gym.
[Laughing]
[Chuckles]
Jackie, this is where
we both laugh a lot.
Actually, Fez,
I don't find it that funny.
I kinda feel sad for him.
But you hate him.
He totally screwed you over.
Yeah, but he's grown up
a lot since then.
And he's suffered,
and I'm over it by now.
Poor Michael.
Poor Michael?
Well, I see I have wasted my time
talking to you. Good day, miss.
- Wait, Fez.
- I said good day.
What should we do
with all of this time alone?
- [Knocking]
- I'll get that.
I ordered you a special surprise.
Ta-da!
Donna?
Donna is my surprise?
Donna? What the... heck
are you doin' here, Donna?
What the heck?
Mrs. Forman, Eric is being a jerk,
and I wanted to talk to my mom.
But since she's not here,
can I talk to you?
[Red]
Eric's here too?
What on earth is goin' on?
What the heck?
- Red, what is going on here?
- Oh, I'm just as surprised as you.
Oh, all right!
- Eric and Donna are the noisy people next door.
- And you didn't tell me?
Hello, Mommy?
I'm sad!
[Pounding]
Donna, where have you-
Your mother kicked me out.
Oh, no.
I said no.
Guys, I gotta tell you somethin'.
I'm omnipotent.
[Laughing]
- [Laughing]
- [Thud]
Huh. This does taste
like Dr. Pepper.
Told ya.
Hey, you know what?
I think I might puke.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no.
Honey, nobody gets sick
in Mr. And Mrs. Forman's room.
[Laughing]
You know, it is a lovely room.
Red just saw the brochure
on the counter...
and then he whisked me up
and he brought me here.
It was very Humphrey Bogart.
Eric did the same thing for me.
- Sometimes he's really sweet.
- Uh-huh.
Do you have a bucket?
- [Knocking]
- [Man] Room service.
Honey. Honey, pretty girls
do not throw up.
Oh, no, no. No, no.
I didn't order this.
Oh, uh, it was ordered by
a Mr. Red Forman.
Oh, my gosh.
This must have been his surprise.
Oh! Flowers, champagne.
Cashews.
The most expensive nut,
you know.
Oh, dear, sweet Red.
I have to go see him.
- Are you feeling better?
- No.
Okay, good. Nighty-night.
Why is everything doing that?
Hey, Michael.
I heard what happened with Pam.
And I want you to know, that according
to CosmoPolitan magazine, you're not a freak.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
They say that, lots of times
when it happens to a guy...
it's not that he can't, it's just that
he secretly doesn't want to.
Okay, well, not to criticize...
but Cosmo's never seen
Pam Macy naked.
Michael, just think about it.
Do you like Pam?
Well, I like parts of her.
Well, maybe that's not enough.
And maybe your body's mature enough
to realize that even if your brain isn't.
Okay, well, you know,
if this is about maturity...
then I want nothing
to do with it.
Look, Michael,
don't worry, okay?
When you find the girl
you're meant to be with...
you'll be able to do
all the stuff you want.
I promise.
I hope you're right.
Thanks, Jackie.
- I'm back.
- What?
Nothin'.
Good hug!
Out.
But it's my room.
Love ya, sweetie.
Donna.
Donna, are you there?
- [Knocking]
- Donna, Please oPen the door, Please.
[Knocking Continues]
Great. I'm locked out
of both rooms.
Well, at least I don't have any pants.
I want you to open that door right now.
Our daughter's in there, and she's drunk.
I really shouldn't be doing this.
Okay. Then I'll just sue you...
until you're dead.
- [Bob] You get off my daughter.!
- [Red] Bob.! What the hell?
[Bob]
Red?
[Midge]
Ooh.! Kitty, what a Pretty nightgown.
[Kitty]
Thank you, Midge.
Could you hand it to me, Please?
Look, I'm sorry about
getting all tipsy last night.
Oh, no. Please,
I'm sorry.
- The fight was all my fault.
- Fight? We had a fight?
No.
- What did you do?
- Nothing.
Obviously you did something. I want to know
what it is in case I'm still mad about it.
Well, okay.
I had said that you were
the most beautiful girl in the world...
and then you got all mad
and said, "Get bent."
Not your finest hour,
but... I still love you.
Wow. You must be really
upset about this.
Um...
kind of, yeah.
Well, come on, Eric.
Let's turn that frown upside-down.
That's right.
Let's have super-hot sex, baby.
Oh, crap.
Well, GenieJackie,
I am in the mood...
for some hot master-genie lovin'.
Oh, I'm sorry,
Master Major Michael.
But what we are going to have
is a warm master-genie friendship.
In fact, I am the master now,
and you are the genie.
[Boing]
Except you will not have
any genie powers.
You will just do as I say.
Now, do my math homework, Genie.
[Boing]
[Kelso]
No.!