That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 15 - Donna's Panties - full transcript

[Grunts]

- Oh!
- Oh! That's 16 for me and Hyde...

and four for the losers!

You guys ought to get a mascot-
a big, green, furry loser!

That's-
That's not even a thing.

Come on. Take it to the hoop. Or maybe you're
afraid, 'cause you know I'm gonna slap it down.

Oh, yeah?
Well-Yeah?

You tell her, Eric!

Ooh!

Oh! How can he stand
the embarrassment?

She told you what she was gonna do.
You gotta listen, man.



Eric, why don't you just give me the two points?
Save yourself the humiliation.

Well, why don't you just save yourself
the two points, and then the humiliation...

will... be-

J-Whatever! Come on!

Oh, I'm comin', and there's nothin'
you can do to stop me.

Eric!

Oh, my God!
Donna's wearing granny panties!

Nice panties, Granny!

Oh, come on. You have to admit,
that was some killer "D."

Oh, no.

Hangin'out

Down the street

The same old thing

We did last week



Not a thing to do

But talk to you

We're all all right

We're all all right

Hello, Wisconsin.!

Okay, Fez, I got you some
Valentine conversation hearts.

- [Giggles]
- Oh, thank you, Caroline.

"Be mine." Okay.

"Sweetheart." It really is.

"Kiss me."
Well, I'm not about to argue with candy.

Fez, is there one in there that says,
"Get a room"?

No, but here's one that says,
"Kiss my brown ass."

Sorry you had to hear that,
Caroline.

It's okay.
She asked for it.

Ooh, I gotta get going.

- I'll see you tonight.
- Yeah.

[Clears Throat]

Well, well, well.

Look who has a lady.

And to think, I was about to settle for you.

Talk about dodging a bullet.

Hey, hey.

Check out this article in Boys'Life.

"The Square Knot:
NotJust For Squares"?

No, this one,
about being an astronaut.

I think I'm gonna do that.

Michael, I think there's a prerequisite
for being an astronaut.

You have to be not dumb.

Uh-uh.

If they can send a monkey into space,
they can send me.

I don't know.
Monkeys are pretty smart.

All right.
Fine, fine. Make fun.

But when you see my shoe prints on the moon,
what are you gonna say then?

Probably, "Hey, some monkey's
wearing Kelso's shoes!"

Hey, hey, astro-chimp.

When you come back down to Earth,
if your parachute doesn't work...

you could always use
Donna's monstrous panties.

Hey, hey, hey, you guys.
None of that when Donna gets here, okay?

I don't need her mad at me
on Valentine's Day.

All right, Forman, relax.

Wearing granny panties
is a very sensitive issue...

that I don't find funny,
and I refuse to exploit.

Good.

Hey, everybody, look.
It's Granny Panties!

- Hyde!
- Wha- Oh, sorry, man.

It's in my nature to burn.

Granny Panties understands.
Don't you, Granny Panties?

Okay, look. I didn't have anything else to wear.
It was laundry day.

I didn't know they made a washing machine
big enough for those panties.

Hey! Hey, you guys can
all just shut up, okay?

So she wears big panties.
So what?

Donna, look, I am...
really, really, really sorry.

Eric, I'm fine.
Let's just forget about it.

Really? 'Cause when I saw your sweats
around your ankles, I thought I was dead.

- Eric, I said, I'm fine.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
You are so cool.

- You- l-You are seriously,
like, the coolest girl ever.
- Wow.

Chicks must really dig astronauts,
'cause it says here...

that astronauts get
all the Tang they want.

Oh, Donna is gonna love
you making dinner for her.

There's nothing sexier
than a man who cooks.

Unless that man is Burt Reynolds.
Then I don't give a darn what he's doing.

He's just sexy!
[Laughing]

Ooh-hoo, Mom has a thing for the Bandit.
[Laughs]

Ten-four. [Laughs]
Go set the table.

Oh, no, no, honey,
use the special china.

You don't want to mess up a good thing
with everyday dishes.

Okay, but, Mom, it's not like
I can mess this up.

I mean, Donna is cool
no matter what I do.

Like, earlier, I pulled down her pants
in front of everyone in the driveway...

- and she just stood there-
- You did what?

No, it was cool.
She just- She said she was fine.

- Oh. Then I guess she's fine.
- Yeah, 'cause she said she was fine.

Yeah, she wouldn't say she was fine
unless she was fine. Would she?

- What are you talking about?
- What do you think I'm talking about?

I don't know.
Why are you doing this to me?

- Doing what?
- I don't know!

- Well, all I meant was,
have a happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh.

[Doorbell Rings]

Oh, okay. Thanks.

Although I doubt you will.

Stop it!

Hello, Michael.

Hi, Mrs. Forman. Is Laurie home?
I got a little surprise for her.

Oh, you brought her flowers.
Isn't that just... a waste of money.

No...

she deserves them.

I mean, not many people get me, you know?
I'm a complicated guy.

So when everyone
starts in on me...

I just like to be with my girlfriend,
'cause she's nice to me.

- Who are we talking about?
- Laurie.

- Laurie Forman?
- Yeah, so I just want to tell her...

that I'm happy we're together on this,
our nation's day of love.

Oh, well, how patriotic of you, Michael.
[Laughs]

Yeah.
I wanna be an astronaut.

Oh. Well, l-
I think you'd make a fine spaceman.

Thanks.

You know, I gotta say, I think Laurie gets
a lot of her sweetness from you.

Laurie Forman?

Bye, Laurie.

Hey, man, what the hell
are you doing?

What? Oh, yeah.

I should, uh, probably go out
through the window.

Oh, would you look at this?
[Kiss]

Ooh, a nice, romantic dinner for two.
Donna's gonna love it.

Why, is she bringing a date?
[Chuckles]

- Red!
- I'm sorry, but that's funny.

- Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Forman.
- Oh, my.

Look at this vision of lovely.
[Chuckles]

Oh, this is just like when you two were little,
and you-you used to eat pretend supper.

Only now it won't end up with
Donna sitting on Eric's head. [Laughs]

Oh.

Oh, Red, let's go.

- Kitty, that was just awful.
- I know. Keep walking.

Wow, I was... afraid that
was gonna be awkward.

Yeah.
Eric, this looks so great.

Yep. Shaked, baked and maked
especially for you.

And this here is a little somethin'
I like to call..."a little somethin'."

You got me a present?
That's so sweet.

I didn't get you anything,
and you got me... panties?

What the hell?

Yeah, panties!

- Get it?
- No.

To replace your ugly ones.

Eric, when I said I didn't get it,
I meant I didn't like it.

No, see,
you forgave me earlier...

and... I figured if I brought it up,
we could just, you know, share a laugh.

[Chuckles Weakly]

Your turn.

You know what?
You're the one who doesn't get it.

- Well, maybe you should explain it to me.
- I heard that.!

This is the worst
Valentine's Day ever.

[Man Singing Blues Rock]

It's Donna's fault. Okay?

I didn't make her wear
that big, goofy underwear.

I'm sorry, but if you're
hanging out with this crowd...

you gotta know that eventually
your pants are gettin' pulled down.

Am I right?

I am so glad I did not pull down
Caroline's pants.

I mean, if she asked me to,
I would...

because I respect her wishes.

And, also, I am so horny.

Forman, when I told you it'd
be funny to give Donna panties...

I meant it'd be funny to me.
[Chuckles]

And it was.

This is what happened
to my heart...

when I found out Laurie
was cheating on me.

It's lemon.

I mean, how could she do this?
[Stammers]

I really thought
we had somethin'.

Probably the same way
you did it toJackie.

Only this time it's even funnier,
'cause it's you.

This is a good day.

Tonight, I am going to ask Caroline
to go steady with me...

because that is the last step
before you can do it, right?

Oh, how I want to do it.

I am so horny.

So Michael cheated on me with Laurie,
and Laurie cheated on him.

Hmm! There is a God,
and he's on my side.

Well, I'm glad you're happy.
My boyfriend's a giant baby.

"Ooh, underwear is so funny.
Poo-poo, pee-pee, caca."

You know what'll
make you feel better?

Let's go make mean jokes
at Michael's expense.

How will that
make me feel better?

'Cause then I'll feel better,
and I can cheer you up.

On what planet did Eric think it was okay
to pull down my pants?

There are some things that are private, Jackie-
for instance, everything under my pants.

I agree.
Keep it to yourself.

Why doesn't Eric understand that when I said,
"I'm fine," I meant, I will be fine...

so long as he kisses my ass
for two weeks until I'm actually fine?

He's, like, brain damaged.

Look, he's just not
a good boyfriend.

You should dump him, and then we
can move to Dallas and be weathergirls.

- So, how was your night?
- He blew it. [Chuckles]

[Flatly]
Well, what a surprise.

- Wait, you're saying that like it's not a surprise.
- Okay then.

You know, Son,
there's a time and a place...

to pull down a lady's pants.

And a pickup game in our driveway
is not one of'em.

Look, Dad,
I know it was dumb...

but Donna said it was fine,
and... apparently it wasn't fine.

Sit down. Eric...

there's a pair of shoes up
in your mom's closet.

And one day, I accidently stepped on
one of them and scuffed it.

"Don't worry," your mom said.
"Everything's fine."

But every now and then,
she takes them out of the closet...

and she puts them on,
and she does this.

[Mournfully]
"Ohh."

Then she takes them off
and puts them back in her closet.

Eric, this has been going on
for 14 years.

So why doesn't she
just get new shoes?

[Laughs]

Oh, Eric...

you are so young.

You see, women are-

What's the word I'm looking for here?
Crazy.

Oh. So, overall,
you and Mom are okay.

So Donna and me,
we'll be okay, right?

No.
I scuffed your mom's shoe.

I didn't pull her pants down
in front of God and the foreign kid.

So, what are you saying?
I'm screwed with Donna?

Hey, if it makes you
feel any better...

I'm surprised you lasted
this long.

[Man Singing Ballad]

[Continues]

- I like popcorn. Do you like popcorn?
- Yes.

- I like candy. Do you like candy?
- [Giggles] Yes.

I like soda. Would you like
to go steady with me?

- Oh, yes, Fez!
- I think I might have tricked you.

You do know we are
going steady, right?

[Giggles] Yes!
[Sighs]

- What a magical night.
- Yes.

I dreamed of this
since the moment we met.

- Me too.
- [Sighs]

You know, this is my favorite movie of all time.
I've seen it, like, 16 times.

That woman keeps calling Clint Eastwood
and asking him to play "Misty" for her.

Isn't it romantic?

Romantic? But she is following him
and bothering him and threatening him.

Yeah, that's what I mean.
If she can't have him, nobody can.

Okay then.

Oh, you're so cute.
I love being your girlfriend.

- If you ever left me, I'd kill you.
- [Laughing]

[Quavering]
O- Okay then.

What's up with
Eric's head anyway?

It's completely out of proportion
to that skinny body.

He looks like a Blow Pop.

You know, I bet Michael's gonna
want me to feel sorry for him.

But I'm gonna be all, like...

"Aww. Bite it, Casanova!"

[Knocking]

- Hey, Jackie, Donna.
- Hey, Michael. I heard what happened.

- Yeah. Me and Laurie are done.
- Doesn't Eric look like a Blow Pop?

- Uh, yeah, I guess.
- Yeah.

Uh, listen, uh, Jackie,
can we go somewhere and talk?

No! Look, anything you have to say to me,
you can say in front of Donna.

Well, okay.

Uh, listen...

what happened with me
and Laurie got me thinking.

And what she did
was really a betrayal...

and it hurt so much.

So you want me
to feel sorry for you.

- No, don't feel sorry for me.
- Wait, what?

No, I deserve this.
After what I did to you?

I don't know if you've made the connection,
but there are a lot of similarities...

between what Laurie did to me
and what I did to you.

Except... you and I
were really in love...

and you trusted me.

Jackie, I let you down,
and I'm sorry.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you just saying
this stuff so I'll give you Valentine sex?

'Cause this is a holy day,
Michael...

and you should be
ashamed of yourself.

No.

I just said what
I wanted to say, and...

I don't blame you if you never
want to speak to me again.

That's it. Good-bye.

[Door OPens]

[Door Closes]

Jackie, are you okay?

Sure. Great.

I'm just... sitting here alone
on Valentine's Day.

- Hey, I'm here.
- Yeah, why are you here?

You should be with
the one you love.

And you love Eric...

for some reason.

Shut up.
There's a lot of reasons.

He's not a Blow Pop.

He's a sweetie pie.

Then you should be with him.

Look, take it from someone
who has loved and lost.

Whatever he did isn't worth
being alone on this holiest of days.

Jackie, are you actually thinking
about me instead of yourself?

Yeah! God, I've had
way too much sugar!

Look, Eric, we need to talk.

Before, I told you everything was fine
when it wasn't.

So, I'm sorry for not letting you know
what a colossally insensitive bonehead you are.

Oh, apology accepted.

That's... very big of you.

No, I'm serious.

So from now on
when you piss me off...

I will do you the courtesy
of blowing up in your face.

Oh, Donna, that's all I ask.

And as for my part, I've realized that
somewhere along the way we crossed a line...

where... pulling down your pants in public
is really no longer that funny.

And I suppose
that point came when...

- you started letting me pull them down in private.
- Exactly.

So...

are we good?

Yeah. [Chuckles] No.

- Are we good now?
- Gettin' there.

- Just- Come on. Let me put my pants on.
- Nope.

But... it's really cold.
And-

You know, I'm freezing off parts of my body
that I know you've expressed appreciation for.

Eric, for God's sakes,
no one wants to see that.

Yeah, now we're good.

[Mournfully]
Ohh.

- Something wrong, honey?
- No.

Everything's fine.