That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Trials of M. Kelso - full transcript

So if "x" equals seven,
then "y" equals...

- Two?
- Wrong. Kelso?

Uh...

"L"?

Also wrong.
It's a pretty simple equation, guys.

Just think about it
for a second.

You're so pretty.

You don't even need
to know math.

That's so weird.
I was just thinking the same thing.

Steven, you're so pretty
you don't need to know nothin'.

That's good, 'cause I'm stupid.



Oh, real mature, guys.

- Fez, what happened?
- I was walking back from the pep rally...

flush with school spirit...

when-when-when some boys
from Fort Anderson, they jumped me...

and they slapped me,
and they beat me...

And look at what they did
to my pom-poms.

Hey, that's not funny, man.

It's really not.

They spray painted me
on my ass.

I want revenge against those
Fort Anderson Snapping Turtles.

Look, Fez,
I'll tell you what.

Let's go to the garage,
and I'll get you some paint thinner.

- Ay, no.
- I'm sorry, Fez. It has to be done.

Yeah, and the three of us
have to watch.



Fine. But this time,
no smoking.

Great. Now maybe
we can get some work done.

Michael's so sweet.

Uh-oh.

- He's just so...
- No!

- Do you think that Michael and I...
- Don't even say it, Jackie.

- I think maybe...
- I'll kill myself, I swear to God.

He and I should get
back together.

Jackie, do you remember
how Kelso cheated...

and hurt you
and lied to you?

Listen to yourself, Donna.

"Cheat-ed." "Hurt-ed."
"Lie-duh."

It's all ancient history.

But when we look
into each other's eyes...

I know we're both thinking
about the same thing.

Your hair?

No. That we're meant
to be together.

Look, I need to know
that he's really changed.

I need to test him
somehow.

- I agree.
- You do?

Absolutely. If you get back with Kelso,
you better have him tested.

Okay. I want to see
if Michael is ready...

to be in a healthy,
adult relationship...

so I've come up
with five psychological tests.

Damn, Jackie.
He can't even spell "psychological."

Look, besides, he only has
to get three out of five.

And the first test
is on maturity.

Oh, man.

So we're trying to get the paint
off of Fez's butt, right?

So I started to spray
lighter fluid on it.

And Fez gets all mad, right?

And then he started chasing me,
but he had his pants around his ankles.

So then he tripped and fell,
and I think he hurt himself...

but I don't know, 'cause I was,
like, out of there.

So what's going on
with you guys?

Donna and I were discussing
our careers.

I'm going to high-end cosmetics...

and Donna thinks she'll make
a great lumberjack.

Stop telling everybody that.

So what kind of career
do you see yourself in?

Okay, well, I was considering
becoming a doctor.

Ooh. A doctor?
That's so mature.

Or... a rodeo clown.

Rodeo clown?
You want to be a rodeo clown. Why?

Rodeo clowns are the unsung
heroes of the new West.

And you know I've always
enjoyed being inside of barrels.

Cheese puffs!
Ow!

Well, see,
they're not for you.

They're for Bob and Midge's party.

Oh. Bob and Midge
are having a party?

Well, I can't go.

I'm very, uh...

busy.

Oh, wait.
Bob didn't invite you?

No, but thanks for the heads-up.
I'll be sure to avoid them.

Huh. Midge didn't
invite me either.

But I'm sure
they're having a party.

I saw them bring a keg
and a lot of chairs into the house.

Well, you don't know
that they're having a party.

Bob's out of work. The two of them
might be starting some weirdo church.

You know, the kind of church
where you, uh...

sit around on chairs
and drink beer.

I'm sure Midge will be over
any minute...

the last minute, like always,
to invite us.

I tell ya.

I like the sound
of a beer church.

Hi, neighbor.
I have something I want to ask you.

- Oh, really?
- Can I borrow your big punch bowl?

A big punch bowl?

Oh, my, what would that be for?

Uh-oh.

I should have
thought this through.

You know, forget about it.
I'm gonna get someone else to bring it.

And by "someone else," I mean Bob.

Midge, I...

I already made
your cheese puffs.

Ooh, thanks.
Mmm!

Boy, all these cheese puffs
are really gonna come in handy.

'Cause Bob's so hungry.

We're not having a party.

Okay, this next test
is about consideration.

I want to see if he'll choose
my interests over his.

This is gonna be so funny.

- Grape.
- So Michael...

There are two events
occurring this weekend.

One that you might like...

and one that I would really,
really, really...

really want to go to.

Now, should we go see
the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders...

Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

- Yes, or...
- No. Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

- But Michael, I want...
- No. Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders!

See? Funny.

Kelso, what are you doing?

We're just tossing
around this egg...

Jackie gave me
to take care of.

Don't you think
it might break?

Yeah, uh, well,
we just thought...

we'd have some fun with it
before I threw it at somebody.

You are such a moron.

You are so gonna fail Jackie's test.

Test? What test?

I'm not supposed to say anything,
but Jackie's testing you...

to see if you're ready
to get back together.

Oh, my God.
Are you serious?

- Do you think I have a chance?
- Not a good one.

You've already failed two tests
and you're about to fail the third.

That egg is a test
of your parenting ability.

So what you're saying is
if I break that egg...

then I fail the test,
and lose Jackie...

the girl I love more
than anything in the world?

- Hyde, give me the egg.
- Okay, catch.

Whoops.

I mean...

Okay, you guys...

let's do this for Fez.

Finally my butt cheeks
will be avenged.

Voil?.

Guys, I feel like we
accomplished something today.

I feel like
we made a difference.

Oh, I'm not done yet.
Taste my wrath, Snapping Turtles.

That was a close one.

Crap! The janitor
locked us in.

Yep. No good deed
goes unpunished.

Oh, my God.
How could this get any worse?

Okay, guys...

we have 20 seconds until
the cherry bomb in the toilet goes off.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's just this little...

crib-like thing
I made for Eggy.

- Eggy?
- Yeah, I named him.

I don't know, this egg is,
like, bringing out...

all the parental stuff in me.

Michael, what happened to the pencil mark
I made on the bottom?

Oh.

Must have come off when I was
giving him his gentle bath.

Nice.

Michael, I knew
you had this in you.

- You are gonna make a great dad one day.
- Yeah.

Uh-oh.
Somebody needs a change.

Oh, I just can't believe
Midge would do this...

after all the years
we've been friends.

She took
the cheese puffs.

All the cheese puffs?

What the hell?
I wanted some of those.

Red, this isn't
about the cheese puffs.

Well, maybe not for you.

They're so light and fluffy.

- This is all your fault.
- What?

You're always mean to them.

Now you've driven them away.
I hope you're happy.

Actually, Kitty, I am happy.

Them not inviting us
to the party...

is not the end of the world.

In fact, it's the start
of a beautiful new world...

a world where we don't
get invited to the Pinciottis'.

There's no talking to you.

You're just sour.

You're an old,
sour crab apple.

Why are you yelling at me?

I'm not the one that didn't
invite you to a party.

If you've got something to say,
you say it to the Pinciottis.

Well, you talked me
into it, Red Forman. Let's go.

Oh, no.

Look at us...

locked in a locker room.

Oh, the irony
is not lost on me.

Why do you mock us, Fate?

Okay, you guys, we gotta think
about a way to get out of here.

Okay, guys, I've just gone through every
escape-from-prison movie...

- I could think of, and I came up with something.
- What?

Steve McQueen
is a total bad-ass.

Okay, thanks, Hyde.
That's not helping.

If we don't get out of here, a bunch of jocks
are gonna come in here and kick our asses.

Why did I put a cherry bomb
in the toilet?

It doesn't smell
like cherries at all.

Come on, guys, think.

Yeah, yeah. Right.
Gotta be something we can do.

I got it.

Much better.

Yeah. Now instead of feeling
scared and anxious...

I feel relaxed and...

relaxed.

I know we're probably
gonna get beaten...

but it was worth it
because we've shown...

we have tremendous
school spirit.

Go Vikings.

School spirit
is for losers, man.

You're just, like,
floating along...

on a conveyor belt
of conformity.

Pep rallies,
extracurricular activities...

washing your hair...

It's all just a trap, man.

Yeah, Fez. It's one thing to root
for a football team...

but to confuse
the Point Place Vikings...

with a sense of personal
identity, that's just...

relaxing.

We're all gonna die tomorrow.

Michael,
I have some bad news.

- I just found out I have B.H.D.
- B.H.D.?

Yeah. Brittle Hair Disease.

I have to go
to the hospital tomorrow...

and get all my hair
shaved off.

- So you'll be...
- Bald, Michael.

B-A-L-D, no hair,
shiny head, bald.

And my hair won't
ever grow back either.

Will you still love me
when I'm bald?

You could wear a wig.

So, Michael, are you saying
that you would not love me...

if I didn't have a luscious,
full-bodied head of hair?

Oh!

No, Jackie.

I would love you even more.

You know, I would shave off
my hair...

and paste it to your head.

Michael, that's beautiful.

Nice job.

Thanks.
That was a test, right?

'Cause bald chicks are gross.

Look at that.

They closed the blinds,
so we couldn't see the party.

But I can hear them.

I can hear you, Bob and Midge!
I can hear your party!

Ooh. Kitty and Red.

We've very busy in here.

Yes, we're very busy.
We'll talk tomorrow.

You're having a party,
and you didn't invite us.

And I thought we were friends,
and we're not.

And I'll tell you
something else.

You're naked.

You have no clothes on.
Why don't you have any clothes on?

Well, we're having a nudist party
with our fellow nudists.

We're, uh, nudists.

And we're not.

So, you didn't invite us.

So, thank you.

Come on, Red.
Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Kitty.
What are you saying?

You really wanted
to attend this party.

- Stop it, Red.
- No, no, no, no.

Now get in there and have yourself
a good old naked time, huh?

Who knows?
They might play Twister. Could be fun.

Okay, guys,
they can't be mad at us now.

Yeah, Fez, I don't think
that's gonna help.

All right, here they come.

Okay, you guys, here's the plan.
Fez, you beg for mercy in broken English.

Hyde, you insist that this whole thing
was a big setup.

And I'll just curl up in the fetal position
and think about pancakes.

- Got it.
- Got it.

Oh, my God.
We're in the girls' locker room.

Yeah. They're girls.

Phew! And I thought we were
going to get beaten up for sure.

Hey, baby.

- Hi, Kelso.
- Hi, Tiffany.

I'm so glad I ran into you.
I've been meaning to ask you something.

- Yeah? What's that?
- Will you take me back to your house and make out with me?

Well, I...

I don't know.
Yeah, I'm here to meet Jackie, so...

I promise she'll never find out.

It'd be an afternoon
of secret make-out fun.

You can drink grape juice
from my belly button.

All right, this has
got to be one of Jackie's tests.

I mean, Tiffany
never comes on to me.

But what if it's not?

I mean, let's face it,
I look good today.

That new conditioner's
really working out.

All right, but the real question is,
should I risk it?

And my body says yes,
and my head says yes...

but my heart says no.

Aw, my stupid heart's right.

I can't. I mean, I appreciate
the offer and all...

'cause you're, like,
really hot...

but the only girl I want to make out with
is Jackie, so...

Oh, Michael, you did it! You did it!
You passed the last test!

- Did you believe me, Michael?
- Yeah, sure.

Oh, good, because
I'm in drama club, and I really want...

Yeah, thank you, Tiffany, bye-bye.

Michael, now I know I can
honestly trust you with all my heart.

Ooh!

Um...

Jackie...

Donna told me about the test.

So I knew what was going on,
and I didn't say anything.

So maybe I don't deserve
to be with you...

because that wasn't
very honest of me.

But telling me that was.

Damn.

You're right.
So you'll take me back?

Yeah, Michael.

I love you, Jackie Burkhart.

I love you too, Michael Kelso.

What the hell happened
to you guys?

We got beaten up.

By men.

By big, strong men.

Hey, guys,
as I was getting beaten...

I think I got
to second base.