That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 12 - Fez Gets the Girl - full transcript
Eric is made employee of the month with a 25 cent raise, but Red insists he remains just as humble, his studies are his future. Kitty becomes Laurie's hair model so the serial drop-out dumb blonde can prepare for her cosmetology exam, and hence is as unsightly as Bob. Fez has it too badly for a girl to be his suave silky gallant self, but precisely his boyish bumbling charms equally timid Caroline, from Donna's Spanish class. Donna won two Led Zeppelin concert tickets, but Eric has mandatory inventory, so Kelso, Hyde and Jackie fight who can go instead, so she gives them to...
- Where's the tunes, Forman?
- Hang on, you guys. Just one more wire here.
I learned how to speak English
faster than this.
Fez, it's not real English
when you speak it with a foreign accent.
Geez.
Aren't these the coolest?
I can't hear you.
I know. They're the
greatest speakers ever.
Eric!
Oh. Hey, Dad. Sorry.
Didn't see you there.
Well, I guess that's 'cause you were too busy
making an ass of yourself.
Uh, actually I was trying out
my new speakers. What do you think?
New speakers? What was wrong with the
old ones? Those were genuine G.M. parts.
Uh...
These are louder.
Well, just keep your
monkey music turned down.
Go grab your smock.
We gotta go to work.
Hey, Red. Is that you?
Oh, cripes.
Hiya, neighbor.
Can't hear ya, Bob.
I'm testin' out Eric's new speakers.
Not bad.
Boy, quite a day
at Price Mart, Kitty.
First, the price of lightbulbs
dropped two cents...
then Eric was made
employee of the month...
and to top it off, they added Cheez-Its
to the vending machine.
Are you serious?
Yep. Tiny little squares...
with the cheese flavor
baked right in 'em.
Am I really the Mart
employee of the month?
- You sure are.
- Yea!
And they even decided
to throw in a extra 25 cents an hour.
Oh, yes.
I gotta admit, Eric.
I had my doubts, but, uh...
Hell, you've hardly
embarrassed me.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, this is great.
Whoo. Price Mart rocks.
Oh, Laurie,
tell everyone your good news.
I just finished my first
two weeks of cosmetology school.
And she didn't flunk out.
Isn't that great?
That is great, honey. Nice job.
Thanks, Daddy.
Yeah, but the next exam's
gonna kill me.
We're not allowed to practice
on dummies anymore.
And I have to style
a real person's hair.
Oh, honey, you'll do fine.
We're all here to support you.
Great. So, you don't mind
being my model?
Me?
Oh, honey, no, no.
I... I go to the beauty parlor.
Okay, well...
Well, maybe Eric can help out.
Oh, sure. Laurie, first of all,
always run with scissors.
Boy, I never get tired
of your sarcasm.
Really?
Sorry.
Red, would you like
to be a hair model?
Kitty, I would like
to have hair, period.
But I don't, so... no.
Oh, forget it. I don't even know why
I picked this stupid career.
Maybe it's...
because you're stupid?
Laurie, no.
You quit everything.
You are not quitting
cosmetology school.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I will be your model.
But you just remember:
Men have their cars.
Women have their hair.
It's like a car. It's valuable.
So, not only are they gonna hang
my picture in the front of the store...
but I also get to represent our entire
district in the national Price Mart Olympics.
That's nice.
Do you think I would choke to death
if I swallowed my straw?
No, it's got a breathing hole.
- Fez, no!
- Fez, no!
Oh, my God. There she is.
- Who's that?
- The new girl, Caroline.
She transferred here
from Sacred Heart.
Or heaven. I'm not sure which.
We have gym together.
She barely sweats.
Someday, I will make her my bride.
Yep, no one likes a sweaty bride.
- Yeah, I hear you.
- So true.
Hey. Why don't you go talk to her, man?
You're the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen.
Thank you.
Your cocoa-brown skin makes me hot.
I know.
I am irresistible.
Would you like to dance?
Hey. Why don't you go
talk to her, man?
Oh, I don't know, Hyde.
I can't.
I don't understand this.
Usually I am...
I am suave. I am silky.
But this girl makes me...
I have to go to the bathroom.
Anyway, getting back
to Price Mart...
- Shut up!
- Yeah.
Oh, my God. You guys are
never gonna believe this.
- Wait, no. Me first.
- Okay, go.
Okay. I, Eric Forman...
your boyfriend...
am Price Mart's newest
employee of the month.
Eric, that's great. Are you done?
Well, yeah. Top that, cupcake.
Okay. I just won two tickets
to the Led Zeppelin concert.
I was caller number seven, and I won,
and we're goin' to Zeppelin on Tuesday night.
All right!
She said two tickets, not four,
ya moron. We're not goin'.
Oh, my God, no.
Did you say Tuesday night?
I... I can't go Tuesday night.
It's inventory night. It's mandatory.
Skip it, Eric. You love Zeppelin.
Call in sick. Tell them your grandma died.
Burn down the store.
You're right. You know what? I'm going.
I can't go.
- Then who am I gonna take?
- No, Donna...
- You shut your filthy mouth!
- Donna, seriously...
- I'm practically his brother.
- I've been his friend way longer!
Hey, you know what? I am going.
Ah, crap.
- Still friends?
- Till death.
I can't go.
- I'm in! Shut up!
- Get killed!
Uh... Eric, are you sure
you can't come?
Yeah, I can't. You know.
Everyone has to work. No exceptions.
Plus, Red and I?
We're both kinda supervising.
- Mmm.
- Corporate America claims another victim.
Eric, it's okay.
I knew you weren't gonna go.
You're a really responsible guy.
I love and hate that about you.
Well, since, uh...
Since Mr. Smock here is being all logical...
I guess I'll have to take
one of you losers.
- Take a loser where?
- Zeppelin.
Zeppelin? Oh, my God.
That's a band, right?
Donna.
In the ninth grade, I did an oral report
on "Stairway to Heaven," and I got a B-plus.
You gotta take me.
Donna, in the ninth grade,
I wasn't a dork...
and I didn't write a report
on "Stairway to Heaven."
And you gotta take me.
God! She doesn't wanna take either one of
you, 'cause she's taking me. Donna, M-E, me!
Okay, you know what?
I'm going.
I can't.
- You hate it, don't you?
- No, no. It's interesting.
I mean, just...
Just look at all this body.
I must... I bet I'm... I'm like...
I'm four inches taller.
I never should've gotten into this.
I'm not good at anything.
No, no, no.
- I like it, Laurie.
- Really?
Thanks, Mom.
Now all you need is a cut.
No, no. No, no. No. Length...
Length is good. Length is good.
Drop 'em.
Oh, hey, did you see this?
They gave me
a Price Mart key chain.
It's got a knife and everything.
Yeah, I keep it in my pocket.
Some of the other guys get jealous.
Look, Eric, I know you're very excited
about your raise and everything...
but I don't want you
to get too caught up in this.
Don't worry, Dad.
I'm not about to alienate my fellow employees
with my award-winning work ethic.
I read the signs in the break room.
There's no "I" in teamwork.
Here's your check, sir,
and thank you for eating at Smiley's.
Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.
You know what, Dad?
I got this.
Take your hand off the check.
I'll come back.
Jackie, why do you wanna go anyway?
You hate Led Zeppelin.
I never said I hated them, Michael.
For your information,
I think Led is hot.
- Fez, is that her?
- Yes.
I wish I could go talk to her,
but I get so nervous.
Fez, you shouldn't
be nervous. You're awesome.
What girl wouldn't
wanna be with you?
Well, there is Jackie, Laurie...
this girl from gym,
another girl from chemistry...
uh, country-western star
Tanya Tucker...
who does not answer her letters.
- Um...
- Okay, stop.
Whatever happened
to suave, silky Fez?
You're right. I forgot about him.
He's hot.
Exactly. So... Go get her, Fez.
Caroline? It is Fez. May I sit?
Okay, thank you.
Great idea, Donna.
Well, excuse me for trying
to buy a coworker lunch.
I am not your coworker.
You're a high school kid
with a part-time job. You're temporary.
Uh-oh.
You know what ends fights?
Pudding.
Just give me seven minutes.
Eric, you gotta stop acting
like a big shot.
You're not the king
of the world, you know.
I'm employee of the month.
I don't have to take this.
This is no good, Kitty.
- What are you gonna do, Red? He's growing up.
- No, I mean your hair.
Hey there, Harpo.
Where's your horn?
Bob, are you making fun
of my hair?
No.
- Take me.
- No.
- Take me.
- No.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You're Donna, right?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- I'm Caroline. I think we have Spanish together.
- Oh, yeah. Hi.
?Hola!
Um, you know that foreign guy
you're always hanging out with?
- Fez?
- Mmm, yeah. Fez.
Um, is... Is he... Does he...
Oh, my God. You like Fez?
- Oh, my God. Come on. I'll introduce you to him.
- Oh, no, no, no.
That's okay. I just... wanted to...
I gotta go... use the ba?o.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
What's goin' on?
Cosmetology is too hard.
I'm quitting.
Laurie, don't you think I wanted
to quit nursing school a hundred times?
The first time I put in
a catheter, it broke off.
But what if I don't get any better?
Well, you will never know
unless you stick with it.
- Oh, what do you care?
- I care because I'm your mother.
So, I care.
Well, we do start
doing nails next week.
That might be fun.
And I happen to know a few patients
down at the hospital...
who would love a manicure.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Uh-huh.
Yep. It's... It's... It's just gonna perk 'em
right up when they come out of their comas.
Hey, Dad. Good news.
Just got another raise.
Well, good for you,
you dumb bastard.
Yeah, I tell ya. If they keep
throwin' money at me like this...
I might be able to get my own
apartment soon.
For God's sakes,
you're 57 years old.
- Ah.
- Eric, why didn't you listen to me?
If you'd gone to college,
you could've really been something.
Been something?
Whoa.
You're talkin' to the interim assistant
weekend manager of housewares here, okay?
Yeah. Show some respect.
Well aren't you just
the president of Turd Town?
Dad.
I've been thinkin' about
why you went so crazy and yelled at me...
and I've come
to the conclusion that...
you're crazy
and you like to yell at me.
There's somethin' you gotta know.
You're... Well... You're an idiot.
Oh, great. A pep talk.
Look, sit down.
When I was your age,
I thought I had it all too.
Great job at the plant,
nice steady paycheck...
Just enough to, you know,
string me along for 30 years or so.
And for what? So they could toss me out
on my ass when things got tough.
- Dad, I'm not gonna...
- Look, don't get me wrong. I admire your work ethic.
But you deserve better
than Price Mart.
You're a smart guy.
And I'm, uh... I'm proud of you.
Whoa. Really?
- You... You think I'm smart? You're proud of me?
- Oh, geez.
What, you gonna
ruin this now by talking?
Listen, Dad.
If I'm still workin' at Price Mart
when I'm your... older...
please kill me.
- You don't have to ask twice, Son.
- Oh, that's...
- That's my dad.
- Come on. Let's go make fun of your mom's hair.
- Jerk.
- Wench.
- Tool.
- Dill-hole.
- Moron.
- Moron.
I already said moron.
Moron.
Don't touch. Those are for Donna.
- Kelso, Donna doesn't want a bunch of dirty cookies.
- They're not dirty.
They are now.
Hyde, you're dead.
Oh, my God.
Donna, where have you been? The concert
starts in an hour. I'm ready to go. Let's go.
The concert?
Oh, right. The concert.
Well, you guys were so busy fighting
over the tickets, I forgot to tell you.
I gave them away.
- What? No!
- To who?
See? Your cuticles
look better already.
Proper nail care is one of
the easiest things to overlook.
Uh-huh. Real good.
Oh, gosh, Daddy.
I didn't know you were a bleeder.
I'm not.
Um, could you apply
some pressure to this...
while I go get
some paper towels?
- Hang on, you guys. Just one more wire here.
I learned how to speak English
faster than this.
Fez, it's not real English
when you speak it with a foreign accent.
Geez.
Aren't these the coolest?
I can't hear you.
I know. They're the
greatest speakers ever.
Eric!
Oh. Hey, Dad. Sorry.
Didn't see you there.
Well, I guess that's 'cause you were too busy
making an ass of yourself.
Uh, actually I was trying out
my new speakers. What do you think?
New speakers? What was wrong with the
old ones? Those were genuine G.M. parts.
Uh...
These are louder.
Well, just keep your
monkey music turned down.
Go grab your smock.
We gotta go to work.
Hey, Red. Is that you?
Oh, cripes.
Hiya, neighbor.
Can't hear ya, Bob.
I'm testin' out Eric's new speakers.
Not bad.
Boy, quite a day
at Price Mart, Kitty.
First, the price of lightbulbs
dropped two cents...
then Eric was made
employee of the month...
and to top it off, they added Cheez-Its
to the vending machine.
Are you serious?
Yep. Tiny little squares...
with the cheese flavor
baked right in 'em.
Am I really the Mart
employee of the month?
- You sure are.
- Yea!
And they even decided
to throw in a extra 25 cents an hour.
Oh, yes.
I gotta admit, Eric.
I had my doubts, but, uh...
Hell, you've hardly
embarrassed me.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, this is great.
Whoo. Price Mart rocks.
Oh, Laurie,
tell everyone your good news.
I just finished my first
two weeks of cosmetology school.
And she didn't flunk out.
Isn't that great?
That is great, honey. Nice job.
Thanks, Daddy.
Yeah, but the next exam's
gonna kill me.
We're not allowed to practice
on dummies anymore.
And I have to style
a real person's hair.
Oh, honey, you'll do fine.
We're all here to support you.
Great. So, you don't mind
being my model?
Me?
Oh, honey, no, no.
I... I go to the beauty parlor.
Okay, well...
Well, maybe Eric can help out.
Oh, sure. Laurie, first of all,
always run with scissors.
Boy, I never get tired
of your sarcasm.
Really?
Sorry.
Red, would you like
to be a hair model?
Kitty, I would like
to have hair, period.
But I don't, so... no.
Oh, forget it. I don't even know why
I picked this stupid career.
Maybe it's...
because you're stupid?
Laurie, no.
You quit everything.
You are not quitting
cosmetology school.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I will be your model.
But you just remember:
Men have their cars.
Women have their hair.
It's like a car. It's valuable.
So, not only are they gonna hang
my picture in the front of the store...
but I also get to represent our entire
district in the national Price Mart Olympics.
That's nice.
Do you think I would choke to death
if I swallowed my straw?
No, it's got a breathing hole.
- Fez, no!
- Fez, no!
Oh, my God. There she is.
- Who's that?
- The new girl, Caroline.
She transferred here
from Sacred Heart.
Or heaven. I'm not sure which.
We have gym together.
She barely sweats.
Someday, I will make her my bride.
Yep, no one likes a sweaty bride.
- Yeah, I hear you.
- So true.
Hey. Why don't you go talk to her, man?
You're the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen.
Thank you.
Your cocoa-brown skin makes me hot.
I know.
I am irresistible.
Would you like to dance?
Hey. Why don't you go
talk to her, man?
Oh, I don't know, Hyde.
I can't.
I don't understand this.
Usually I am...
I am suave. I am silky.
But this girl makes me...
I have to go to the bathroom.
Anyway, getting back
to Price Mart...
- Shut up!
- Yeah.
Oh, my God. You guys are
never gonna believe this.
- Wait, no. Me first.
- Okay, go.
Okay. I, Eric Forman...
your boyfriend...
am Price Mart's newest
employee of the month.
Eric, that's great. Are you done?
Well, yeah. Top that, cupcake.
Okay. I just won two tickets
to the Led Zeppelin concert.
I was caller number seven, and I won,
and we're goin' to Zeppelin on Tuesday night.
All right!
She said two tickets, not four,
ya moron. We're not goin'.
Oh, my God, no.
Did you say Tuesday night?
I... I can't go Tuesday night.
It's inventory night. It's mandatory.
Skip it, Eric. You love Zeppelin.
Call in sick. Tell them your grandma died.
Burn down the store.
You're right. You know what? I'm going.
I can't go.
- Then who am I gonna take?
- No, Donna...
- You shut your filthy mouth!
- Donna, seriously...
- I'm practically his brother.
- I've been his friend way longer!
Hey, you know what? I am going.
Ah, crap.
- Still friends?
- Till death.
I can't go.
- I'm in! Shut up!
- Get killed!
Uh... Eric, are you sure
you can't come?
Yeah, I can't. You know.
Everyone has to work. No exceptions.
Plus, Red and I?
We're both kinda supervising.
- Mmm.
- Corporate America claims another victim.
Eric, it's okay.
I knew you weren't gonna go.
You're a really responsible guy.
I love and hate that about you.
Well, since, uh...
Since Mr. Smock here is being all logical...
I guess I'll have to take
one of you losers.
- Take a loser where?
- Zeppelin.
Zeppelin? Oh, my God.
That's a band, right?
Donna.
In the ninth grade, I did an oral report
on "Stairway to Heaven," and I got a B-plus.
You gotta take me.
Donna, in the ninth grade,
I wasn't a dork...
and I didn't write a report
on "Stairway to Heaven."
And you gotta take me.
God! She doesn't wanna take either one of
you, 'cause she's taking me. Donna, M-E, me!
Okay, you know what?
I'm going.
I can't.
- You hate it, don't you?
- No, no. It's interesting.
I mean, just...
Just look at all this body.
I must... I bet I'm... I'm like...
I'm four inches taller.
I never should've gotten into this.
I'm not good at anything.
No, no, no.
- I like it, Laurie.
- Really?
Thanks, Mom.
Now all you need is a cut.
No, no. No, no. No. Length...
Length is good. Length is good.
Drop 'em.
Oh, hey, did you see this?
They gave me
a Price Mart key chain.
It's got a knife and everything.
Yeah, I keep it in my pocket.
Some of the other guys get jealous.
Look, Eric, I know you're very excited
about your raise and everything...
but I don't want you
to get too caught up in this.
Don't worry, Dad.
I'm not about to alienate my fellow employees
with my award-winning work ethic.
I read the signs in the break room.
There's no "I" in teamwork.
Here's your check, sir,
and thank you for eating at Smiley's.
Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.
You know what, Dad?
I got this.
Take your hand off the check.
I'll come back.
Jackie, why do you wanna go anyway?
You hate Led Zeppelin.
I never said I hated them, Michael.
For your information,
I think Led is hot.
- Fez, is that her?
- Yes.
I wish I could go talk to her,
but I get so nervous.
Fez, you shouldn't
be nervous. You're awesome.
What girl wouldn't
wanna be with you?
Well, there is Jackie, Laurie...
this girl from gym,
another girl from chemistry...
uh, country-western star
Tanya Tucker...
who does not answer her letters.
- Um...
- Okay, stop.
Whatever happened
to suave, silky Fez?
You're right. I forgot about him.
He's hot.
Exactly. So... Go get her, Fez.
Caroline? It is Fez. May I sit?
Okay, thank you.
Great idea, Donna.
Well, excuse me for trying
to buy a coworker lunch.
I am not your coworker.
You're a high school kid
with a part-time job. You're temporary.
Uh-oh.
You know what ends fights?
Pudding.
Just give me seven minutes.
Eric, you gotta stop acting
like a big shot.
You're not the king
of the world, you know.
I'm employee of the month.
I don't have to take this.
This is no good, Kitty.
- What are you gonna do, Red? He's growing up.
- No, I mean your hair.
Hey there, Harpo.
Where's your horn?
Bob, are you making fun
of my hair?
No.
- Take me.
- No.
- Take me.
- No.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You're Donna, right?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- I'm Caroline. I think we have Spanish together.
- Oh, yeah. Hi.
?Hola!
Um, you know that foreign guy
you're always hanging out with?
- Fez?
- Mmm, yeah. Fez.
Um, is... Is he... Does he...
Oh, my God. You like Fez?
- Oh, my God. Come on. I'll introduce you to him.
- Oh, no, no, no.
That's okay. I just... wanted to...
I gotta go... use the ba?o.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
What's goin' on?
Cosmetology is too hard.
I'm quitting.
Laurie, don't you think I wanted
to quit nursing school a hundred times?
The first time I put in
a catheter, it broke off.
But what if I don't get any better?
Well, you will never know
unless you stick with it.
- Oh, what do you care?
- I care because I'm your mother.
So, I care.
Well, we do start
doing nails next week.
That might be fun.
And I happen to know a few patients
down at the hospital...
who would love a manicure.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Uh-huh.
Yep. It's... It's... It's just gonna perk 'em
right up when they come out of their comas.
Hey, Dad. Good news.
Just got another raise.
Well, good for you,
you dumb bastard.
Yeah, I tell ya. If they keep
throwin' money at me like this...
I might be able to get my own
apartment soon.
For God's sakes,
you're 57 years old.
- Ah.
- Eric, why didn't you listen to me?
If you'd gone to college,
you could've really been something.
Been something?
Whoa.
You're talkin' to the interim assistant
weekend manager of housewares here, okay?
Yeah. Show some respect.
Well aren't you just
the president of Turd Town?
Dad.
I've been thinkin' about
why you went so crazy and yelled at me...
and I've come
to the conclusion that...
you're crazy
and you like to yell at me.
There's somethin' you gotta know.
You're... Well... You're an idiot.
Oh, great. A pep talk.
Look, sit down.
When I was your age,
I thought I had it all too.
Great job at the plant,
nice steady paycheck...
Just enough to, you know,
string me along for 30 years or so.
And for what? So they could toss me out
on my ass when things got tough.
- Dad, I'm not gonna...
- Look, don't get me wrong. I admire your work ethic.
But you deserve better
than Price Mart.
You're a smart guy.
And I'm, uh... I'm proud of you.
Whoa. Really?
- You... You think I'm smart? You're proud of me?
- Oh, geez.
What, you gonna
ruin this now by talking?
Listen, Dad.
If I'm still workin' at Price Mart
when I'm your... older...
please kill me.
- You don't have to ask twice, Son.
- Oh, that's...
- That's my dad.
- Come on. Let's go make fun of your mom's hair.
- Jerk.
- Wench.
- Tool.
- Dill-hole.
- Moron.
- Moron.
I already said moron.
Moron.
Don't touch. Those are for Donna.
- Kelso, Donna doesn't want a bunch of dirty cookies.
- They're not dirty.
They are now.
Hyde, you're dead.
Oh, my God.
Donna, where have you been? The concert
starts in an hour. I'm ready to go. Let's go.
The concert?
Oh, right. The concert.
Well, you guys were so busy fighting
over the tickets, I forgot to tell you.
I gave them away.
- What? No!
- To who?
See? Your cuticles
look better already.
Proper nail care is one of
the easiest things to overlook.
Uh-huh. Real good.
Oh, gosh, Daddy.
I didn't know you were a bleeder.
I'm not.
Um, could you apply
some pressure to this...
while I go get
some paper towels?