That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 11 - Who Wants It More? - full transcript
Lovers Eric and Donna were the perfect study partners, but he falls over his own words into dumping her over an arms race disagreement, then is easily seduced. Kelso thinks he saw an UFO, Hyde nor Fez believe him but are greatly amused by his nude pictures on the same roll Leo brings over. Red imagines being killed by neighbor Bob Pinciotti's tree-pruning and turns human to the point of throwing a party. Sex blackmail sounds as an epiphany to Midge, but Donna is relieved when Eric finally makes up.
Donna, I'm so glad
you're my study partner.
Because you make learning fun.
Okay. Well, no more study breaks.
We have to get this report done.
All right. Fine. Okay.
A report on the current state
of U.S.-Soviet relations.
Okay, we need a title.
How 'bout "Current State
of U.S.-Soviet Relations"?
Damn, you're smart.
U.S.-Soviet Relations.
You know, Donna,
I lost my underwear.
But...
whatever.
Okay. Seriously,
we need to get some work done.
Donna,
I couldn't agree with you more.
Okay.
Right now,
with a push of a button...
the two superpowers could
condemn us to painful, fiery deaths.
Fiery... deaths.
Okay.
Seriously, we gotta do this thing.
You're right.
Eric, no more study breaks.
Uh, right.
From now on, all business.
The arms race began with the massive
buildup of bombers by the Soviet Union.
Actually, the United States
started the arms buildup.
No, they didn't.
What about the bomber gap?
Bomber gap? What?
That's so cute.
Bombers by the United...
States.
What are you doing?
Study break?
Get bent.
Ow! Oh, there's my underwear.
- Hey, Donna. What's wrong?
- Eric, you can't just ignore my ideas.
Oh.
Donna.
You'll get the same "A" I get.
Relax, baby.
Eric, I can't relax
'cause you're wrong, and I'm right.
Okay. Okay.
I think we need to clear our heads
with a nice study break.
Eric, knock it off. I'm not in the mood
for a stupid study break.
What? Why?
Because I disagree with you?
- It has nothing to do with that.
- Really, Donna?
Because up until now,
we were going at it like rabbits...
who had just gotten out of prison.
Well, that's over.
Wait. So what are you saying?
You're gonna hold out on me until I agree with
you? Because that's not gonna work, Donna.
First of all,
I'm not holding out on you.
And second of all,
if I did, it would so work.
Okay, well, you know what?
I think that is what you're doing.
So try this dress on for size!
I'm cutting you off!
Yeah!
- Is that supposed to be a threat?
- Supposed to be.
Yeah.
Okay.
If you wanna do this, we'll do this.
But you're gonna cave,
and I'm gonna laugh. Yeah!
I just saw a U.F.O.!
Oh, my God!
What an unbelievable coincidence.
I was just telling Fez
about how dumb you are!
Okay. No. So I'm out in the field, right?
And there it was.
It was in the air,
and it had lights, and it was, like...
That's a U.F.O., all right.
Hang on, Fez. Kelso.
Remember that time you thought
you saw the Abominable Snowman?
Yeah.
- Do you remember what it turned out to be?
- Just a regular snowman.
Guys, come on. Let's go out to the field.
It could come back.
You think I got nothing better to do than
stand in a field freezing my 'nads off?
Hey, who wants to help me
connect the dots?
Sorry, 'nads. Let's go.
What is all that noise?
Oh, Bob's cutting down a tree
in his front yard.
By himself?
Doesn't he know
that's incredibly dangerous?
Yeah, but you know what
they say about Bob...
"He's stupid."
Oh, Red.
Is that any way to talk about a friend?
A stupid friend.
Timber!
Oh, no!
Oh, damn it!
Did Bob kill me?
Oh, but he just feels super bad about it.
Mm-hmm.
So, where is everyone?
Boy, you can hardly tell
where your head was crushed.
Where are all my friends?
You don't really have any friends, Red.
You know,
it's-it's an unfortunate side effect...
of telling everybody
to-to stick it up their butts.
Yeah.
Gee, I guess you're right, Kitty.
Maybe I should have been nicer.
Yeah.
Oh, well.
Hindsight's twenty-twenty.
You just lie back
and enjoy your coffin.
Ooh, satin. That's nice.
Red! Red! Oh, I'm so sorry!
It was an accident.
Bob...
I never thought I'd say this...
but I'm glad you're my friend.
Red, I never thought I'd say this...
but... you smell nice.
- Jackie, that's really annoying.
- Knock it off, Hyde!
Donna, is there something
you need to talk about?
Oh, crap. Do you need
to talk about something?
Can you keep a secret?
- Not really.
- Yeah.
Unless I can burn you with it later.
I'm holding out on Eric.
I'm holding out on Donna.
Donna, that's great!
Forman, that's hysterical.
So, how long has it been?
Three of the longest days of my life.
Maybe I should just cave.
No!
If you cave, she owns you.
When he caves, you own him.
Yeah, but there's no way
she wants it as bad as I do.
Can you blame her?
I think I want it more than Eric.
Eww. Why?
Forman,
sex is how women control men.
Donna, sex is how we control men.
If they ever find out we want it too...
we'll never get jewelry again.
Secretly, I believe
they like it as much as we do.
Oh. You and your
crazy conspiracies.
Hyde, what are you doing?
This means something.
This is important.
Well, this is a close encounter
of the potato kind.
I'm sorry.
How's it going, guys?
Good to see you all.
Kitty, I've been thinking.
It might be fun to have our friends
over for a party.
Oh, whoo-hoo! Party at Red's!
Are you feeling okay, Red?
Oh, honey, honey, don't touch him.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay. Well, I just...
I have never heard you use the words
"fun," "friends" and "party"...
all in the same sentence.
I have, Mrs. Forman.
For instance, "Eric, I had fun ruining
the party for you and your friends."
Yeah, that was fun.
Well, I think a party
is a great idea, Red.
Great. Then it's settled.
How you doin' there, Sabu?
He smells nice.
- Hello, Donna.
- Hello, Eric. I have come to work on our report.
- Excellent. May I take your coat for you?
- Of course.
Holy crap! She is so sexy.
Be strong. Fight back. Use the look.
Oh, no. Not the look.
It's so... Wait. I find this hot?
What is wrong with me?
Come on, Pinciotti. Counterattack.
Oops.
Look away! Oh, I can't look away.
Must touch.
No! Be strong.
Well, Donna, if you would
refer to page 83...
Oh, the ear!
Damn him!
Wait.
Must win this for womankind.
Must crush Eric.
Red alert.
She is touching your thigh!
Oh, no. Plan backfiring.
Thigh is so warm, inviting.
Bony, but nice.
Donna, your mother's on the phone.
Oh, thank God!
- Eric, everything all right?
- Fine. Shut the door, please.
Hey, dudes.
Leo, what are you doing here, man?
Wow.
That's a really good question, man.
- Leo?
- I'm working on it, man.
- Chocodile?
- What's that?
It's a Twinkie
wrapped in chocolate, man.
No, in the sky! Those lights.
I think that's a U.F.O.
It's just a plane.
They're all just planes.
Yeah. Well, we'll see about that.
Now I've got photographic evidence.
Of what? That planes can fly?
I saw a U.F.O. Once, man.
It was awesome.
It just hung in the air.
Then it sent me a message...
in big, bright yellow letters.
It told me I was gonna
have a good year.
Did this, by any chance,
happen at a football game?
Yeah, man.
And the weird thing was,
I was the only one freaking out about it.
Wait a second. Good year?
Ah, it was a terrible year, man.
Stupid aliens.
Hey, Red!
I was just telling Tony here
how I almost killed you with a tree.
- Ooh.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
- Close call like that can really make you think, huh?
- You bet.
You know, it's like I was upset that you
hadn't returned my hedge clippers.
Oh, shoot. I think I gave those
to my brother-in-law.
You did, did you?
Oh, well, that's okay.
It's not like you stole them or anything.
You just took 'em
and never returned 'em...
which is different somehow.
Ha!
It's...
Mom, can I ask you a question?
In your relationship with Dad,
have you ever...
let an argument cross
into other parts of your relationship?
What do you mean?
You know, I mean, do you ever...
not have sex with Dad?
Sure! I'm not having sex
with him right now.
No, Mom, I mean, like,
in an argument, to get your way.
You can do that?
Yeah. I just wonder if it's wrong.
Donna, you're saying...
by my not having sex
with your father...
I can get him
to paint the bathroom?
Yeah. But don't you think
it hurts the relationship?
Blah, blah, blah!
I'm getting my bathroom painted!
And two of them to turn the ladder.
Yeah.
Yeah, those Polish people... they sure
don't know much about lightbulbs.
Exactly.
Two of them turn the ladder.
So Sammy Davis Jr., the pope
and this Polish guy are on a plane, see?
There's only the one parachute.
Hey, Red, seeing as how you're
dead and all, can I have those shoes?
Get away from him!
Red, honey, your funeral's a big hit.
You are corpse of the year.
Just put the lid on, Kitty.
I need some freakin' quiet.
- Are you having fun?
- No.
Turns out I was mistaken.
Life is too short to spend it
with people who annoy you.
I... I just wanna spend it
with people I really, really love.
Like you and, uh...
Well, mostly just you.
Everybody.
Thanks for being here.
And I just wanna say...
when my time comes,
I wanna be buried facedown...
so that anyone who doesn't
like me can kiss my ass.
Hey, Kelso, man.
I brought you your film.
U.F.O. Pictures came out okay.
Aha! Proof.
But these naked ones of you
are far more interesting, man.
What? Those were on that roll?
You know, I don't see a U.F.O...
but I can definitely see Uranus.
It's a planet,
but it's also your butt.
You guys are so immature.
- Kelso, why are you squirting water out of your mouth?
- I was a fountain!
I totally got it, man. It's art.
Man.
Hey, you guys wanna see
the other set he brought?
Ohh!
Donna, we've gotta get this thing done.
This report is due in six hours.
Yeah, Eric.
I've been thinking about it.
This whole Cold War standoff?
It's ridiculous.
Neither side is getting what it wants.
So, what you're saying is...
by hurting each other,
they're actually hurting themselves.
Yeah. It must be incredibly frustrating
for both sides.
Both of them are just building up
and building up.
The urge to launch a first strike
must be overwhelming...
and painful.
You know, Donna, in a lot of ways,
what we're going through here...
is just like the Cuban missile crisis...
except in our case, it's a...
missile crisis.
Eric, you're right.
It's time for d?tente.
Wait.
What about our disagreement?
I don't care. You win, okay?
What?
It's just... I can't believe you caved.
Wait until I tell Hyde.
No. No! Where are you going?
Suddenly I'm...
I'm not in the mood.
You're lying!
Donna, we're past the point
of no return here.
Eric, girls don't have
a point of no return.
So see you tomorrow.
- Donna?
- Yes, Eric?
- I cave.
- Oh, thank God, 'cause I was just bluffing.
you're my study partner.
Because you make learning fun.
Okay. Well, no more study breaks.
We have to get this report done.
All right. Fine. Okay.
A report on the current state
of U.S.-Soviet relations.
Okay, we need a title.
How 'bout "Current State
of U.S.-Soviet Relations"?
Damn, you're smart.
U.S.-Soviet Relations.
You know, Donna,
I lost my underwear.
But...
whatever.
Okay. Seriously,
we need to get some work done.
Donna,
I couldn't agree with you more.
Okay.
Right now,
with a push of a button...
the two superpowers could
condemn us to painful, fiery deaths.
Fiery... deaths.
Okay.
Seriously, we gotta do this thing.
You're right.
Eric, no more study breaks.
Uh, right.
From now on, all business.
The arms race began with the massive
buildup of bombers by the Soviet Union.
Actually, the United States
started the arms buildup.
No, they didn't.
What about the bomber gap?
Bomber gap? What?
That's so cute.
Bombers by the United...
States.
What are you doing?
Study break?
Get bent.
Ow! Oh, there's my underwear.
- Hey, Donna. What's wrong?
- Eric, you can't just ignore my ideas.
Oh.
Donna.
You'll get the same "A" I get.
Relax, baby.
Eric, I can't relax
'cause you're wrong, and I'm right.
Okay. Okay.
I think we need to clear our heads
with a nice study break.
Eric, knock it off. I'm not in the mood
for a stupid study break.
What? Why?
Because I disagree with you?
- It has nothing to do with that.
- Really, Donna?
Because up until now,
we were going at it like rabbits...
who had just gotten out of prison.
Well, that's over.
Wait. So what are you saying?
You're gonna hold out on me until I agree with
you? Because that's not gonna work, Donna.
First of all,
I'm not holding out on you.
And second of all,
if I did, it would so work.
Okay, well, you know what?
I think that is what you're doing.
So try this dress on for size!
I'm cutting you off!
Yeah!
- Is that supposed to be a threat?
- Supposed to be.
Yeah.
Okay.
If you wanna do this, we'll do this.
But you're gonna cave,
and I'm gonna laugh. Yeah!
I just saw a U.F.O.!
Oh, my God!
What an unbelievable coincidence.
I was just telling Fez
about how dumb you are!
Okay. No. So I'm out in the field, right?
And there it was.
It was in the air,
and it had lights, and it was, like...
That's a U.F.O., all right.
Hang on, Fez. Kelso.
Remember that time you thought
you saw the Abominable Snowman?
Yeah.
- Do you remember what it turned out to be?
- Just a regular snowman.
Guys, come on. Let's go out to the field.
It could come back.
You think I got nothing better to do than
stand in a field freezing my 'nads off?
Hey, who wants to help me
connect the dots?
Sorry, 'nads. Let's go.
What is all that noise?
Oh, Bob's cutting down a tree
in his front yard.
By himself?
Doesn't he know
that's incredibly dangerous?
Yeah, but you know what
they say about Bob...
"He's stupid."
Oh, Red.
Is that any way to talk about a friend?
A stupid friend.
Timber!
Oh, no!
Oh, damn it!
Did Bob kill me?
Oh, but he just feels super bad about it.
Mm-hmm.
So, where is everyone?
Boy, you can hardly tell
where your head was crushed.
Where are all my friends?
You don't really have any friends, Red.
You know,
it's-it's an unfortunate side effect...
of telling everybody
to-to stick it up their butts.
Yeah.
Gee, I guess you're right, Kitty.
Maybe I should have been nicer.
Yeah.
Oh, well.
Hindsight's twenty-twenty.
You just lie back
and enjoy your coffin.
Ooh, satin. That's nice.
Red! Red! Oh, I'm so sorry!
It was an accident.
Bob...
I never thought I'd say this...
but I'm glad you're my friend.
Red, I never thought I'd say this...
but... you smell nice.
- Jackie, that's really annoying.
- Knock it off, Hyde!
Donna, is there something
you need to talk about?
Oh, crap. Do you need
to talk about something?
Can you keep a secret?
- Not really.
- Yeah.
Unless I can burn you with it later.
I'm holding out on Eric.
I'm holding out on Donna.
Donna, that's great!
Forman, that's hysterical.
So, how long has it been?
Three of the longest days of my life.
Maybe I should just cave.
No!
If you cave, she owns you.
When he caves, you own him.
Yeah, but there's no way
she wants it as bad as I do.
Can you blame her?
I think I want it more than Eric.
Eww. Why?
Forman,
sex is how women control men.
Donna, sex is how we control men.
If they ever find out we want it too...
we'll never get jewelry again.
Secretly, I believe
they like it as much as we do.
Oh. You and your
crazy conspiracies.
Hyde, what are you doing?
This means something.
This is important.
Well, this is a close encounter
of the potato kind.
I'm sorry.
How's it going, guys?
Good to see you all.
Kitty, I've been thinking.
It might be fun to have our friends
over for a party.
Oh, whoo-hoo! Party at Red's!
Are you feeling okay, Red?
Oh, honey, honey, don't touch him.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay. Well, I just...
I have never heard you use the words
"fun," "friends" and "party"...
all in the same sentence.
I have, Mrs. Forman.
For instance, "Eric, I had fun ruining
the party for you and your friends."
Yeah, that was fun.
Well, I think a party
is a great idea, Red.
Great. Then it's settled.
How you doin' there, Sabu?
He smells nice.
- Hello, Donna.
- Hello, Eric. I have come to work on our report.
- Excellent. May I take your coat for you?
- Of course.
Holy crap! She is so sexy.
Be strong. Fight back. Use the look.
Oh, no. Not the look.
It's so... Wait. I find this hot?
What is wrong with me?
Come on, Pinciotti. Counterattack.
Oops.
Look away! Oh, I can't look away.
Must touch.
No! Be strong.
Well, Donna, if you would
refer to page 83...
Oh, the ear!
Damn him!
Wait.
Must win this for womankind.
Must crush Eric.
Red alert.
She is touching your thigh!
Oh, no. Plan backfiring.
Thigh is so warm, inviting.
Bony, but nice.
Donna, your mother's on the phone.
Oh, thank God!
- Eric, everything all right?
- Fine. Shut the door, please.
Hey, dudes.
Leo, what are you doing here, man?
Wow.
That's a really good question, man.
- Leo?
- I'm working on it, man.
- Chocodile?
- What's that?
It's a Twinkie
wrapped in chocolate, man.
No, in the sky! Those lights.
I think that's a U.F.O.
It's just a plane.
They're all just planes.
Yeah. Well, we'll see about that.
Now I've got photographic evidence.
Of what? That planes can fly?
I saw a U.F.O. Once, man.
It was awesome.
It just hung in the air.
Then it sent me a message...
in big, bright yellow letters.
It told me I was gonna
have a good year.
Did this, by any chance,
happen at a football game?
Yeah, man.
And the weird thing was,
I was the only one freaking out about it.
Wait a second. Good year?
Ah, it was a terrible year, man.
Stupid aliens.
Hey, Red!
I was just telling Tony here
how I almost killed you with a tree.
- Ooh.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
- Close call like that can really make you think, huh?
- You bet.
You know, it's like I was upset that you
hadn't returned my hedge clippers.
Oh, shoot. I think I gave those
to my brother-in-law.
You did, did you?
Oh, well, that's okay.
It's not like you stole them or anything.
You just took 'em
and never returned 'em...
which is different somehow.
Ha!
It's...
Mom, can I ask you a question?
In your relationship with Dad,
have you ever...
let an argument cross
into other parts of your relationship?
What do you mean?
You know, I mean, do you ever...
not have sex with Dad?
Sure! I'm not having sex
with him right now.
No, Mom, I mean, like,
in an argument, to get your way.
You can do that?
Yeah. I just wonder if it's wrong.
Donna, you're saying...
by my not having sex
with your father...
I can get him
to paint the bathroom?
Yeah. But don't you think
it hurts the relationship?
Blah, blah, blah!
I'm getting my bathroom painted!
And two of them to turn the ladder.
Yeah.
Yeah, those Polish people... they sure
don't know much about lightbulbs.
Exactly.
Two of them turn the ladder.
So Sammy Davis Jr., the pope
and this Polish guy are on a plane, see?
There's only the one parachute.
Hey, Red, seeing as how you're
dead and all, can I have those shoes?
Get away from him!
Red, honey, your funeral's a big hit.
You are corpse of the year.
Just put the lid on, Kitty.
I need some freakin' quiet.
- Are you having fun?
- No.
Turns out I was mistaken.
Life is too short to spend it
with people who annoy you.
I... I just wanna spend it
with people I really, really love.
Like you and, uh...
Well, mostly just you.
Everybody.
Thanks for being here.
And I just wanna say...
when my time comes,
I wanna be buried facedown...
so that anyone who doesn't
like me can kiss my ass.
Hey, Kelso, man.
I brought you your film.
U.F.O. Pictures came out okay.
Aha! Proof.
But these naked ones of you
are far more interesting, man.
What? Those were on that roll?
You know, I don't see a U.F.O...
but I can definitely see Uranus.
It's a planet,
but it's also your butt.
You guys are so immature.
- Kelso, why are you squirting water out of your mouth?
- I was a fountain!
I totally got it, man. It's art.
Man.
Hey, you guys wanna see
the other set he brought?
Ohh!
Donna, we've gotta get this thing done.
This report is due in six hours.
Yeah, Eric.
I've been thinking about it.
This whole Cold War standoff?
It's ridiculous.
Neither side is getting what it wants.
So, what you're saying is...
by hurting each other,
they're actually hurting themselves.
Yeah. It must be incredibly frustrating
for both sides.
Both of them are just building up
and building up.
The urge to launch a first strike
must be overwhelming...
and painful.
You know, Donna, in a lot of ways,
what we're going through here...
is just like the Cuban missile crisis...
except in our case, it's a...
missile crisis.
Eric, you're right.
It's time for d?tente.
Wait.
What about our disagreement?
I don't care. You win, okay?
What?
It's just... I can't believe you caved.
Wait until I tell Hyde.
No. No! Where are you going?
Suddenly I'm...
I'm not in the mood.
You're lying!
Donna, we're past the point
of no return here.
Eric, girls don't have
a point of no return.
So see you tomorrow.
- Donna?
- Yes, Eric?
- I cave.
- Oh, thank God, 'cause I was just bluffing.