That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 13 - Dine & Dash - full transcript

Hey, guys, guess what I got.

V.D.?

No.

A hundred bucks.

So... money to treat your V.D.?

No. My grandmother
gave me this money.

See, my mom told her
that she needed to bleach her whiskers...

and I was like, I go,
"What whiskers?"

Which is a total lie,
'cause she's got these honkin' whiskers.

But then it made her so happy
she gave me a hundred bucks.

Uh, no offense, Michael, but your mom's
not one to talk. I mean... Whoo!



Hey! My mother
is a beautiful woman.

- Apologize.
- Sorry.

- She's nice.
- Whisker face.

All right, thank you.

Now we gotta go celebrate
this hundred bucks.

Let's all go out to dinner...

Someplace expensive.
Someplace nice.

Let's go to the Vineyard.

My new lady love, Caroline,
works there.

Caroline from the concert?
Have you guys gone out again?

- No.
- So, have you guys hung out at school?

- No.
- Talked on the phone?

No.

Have you had any contact
with her at all?



No.

- So Caroline's your new lady?
- Yes.

- That's great.
- Thank you.

There she is. Isn't she lovely?

She reminds me of that song
"Isn't She Lovely?"

Here she comes.

Here she comes.
Watch me impress her.

- Hi, Fez.
- Hello, Caroline.

- I just came over to say hi.
- Hi.

- Hi! Bye.
- Bye.

Did you see how I played her?

- Hey, Kelso, thanks for dinner. It was great.
- Yeah, it was delicious.

Hey, guys, no need to thank me.
I'm happy to do it.

Okay.

Everybody ready?

Uh, don't you have to pay first?

- I'm not paying.
- What?

What, did you think
I was paying?

- Yes. Kelso, we don't have any money.
- You don't need any.

People, we are on
a "dine and dash" here.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause the only thing
better than eating lobster...

is eating lobster
and hauling ass.

Let's haul ass.

Kelso, what the hell
are you thinking?

You said you'd take care of it.

And I took care of it...
by planning the "dine and dash."

Kelso, we're not doing it.

Why not? Guys, we're making
memories here.

Kelso, it's wrong.

Wrong? Or hilarious?

Wrong, you dill-hole.

Or hilariously wrong.

I like it.

But then again,
I'm from the underbelly of society, so...

Uh, yes, excuse me.

Um, would you please send
your finest imported beer to Caroline...

and tell her
that when I said "Hi"...

what I meant was,
"I'll take you like a stallion."

You got that? Like a stallion?

Fez, stop ordering stuff.

Okay, you need
to chill out, little girl.

Didn't you hear Kelso?

The Vineyard is having a dine-and-dash
promotion. Everything is free.

It's not free, Fez.

"Dine and dash" is when
you run out without paying.

So it's stealing?

This isn't going to help me
with Caroline, is it?

Excuse me.

Hey!

That's from me,
you son of a bitch.

Oh, good, honey, you're home.
Listen.

The Pinciottis called. They wanted
to have card night tonight, so...

No, Kitty, you just
call them back, 'cause...

there's no way in hell that
I'm gonna have card night...

with the Pinciottis
'cause it's just too much fun.

Hello, Bob and Midge.

- What the hell are they doing here?
- I don't know.

So! Who else needs
a drink real bad?

Tough day
at the salt mines, Red?

Oh. When did you get a job
at the salt mines?

Here, honey. Play with these.

Yeah...

workin' Joe.

I'll tell ya.
Since my business went bankrupt...

I got a lot of free time.

I mainly use it to nap and cry.

Well, uh, Bob...

don't cry on the cards.

It makes 'em hard to shuffle.

Michael, I have never dined and dashed,
and I'm not about to start now.

Uh, well...

Remember when we went
to nice restaurants...

and I told you to wait
in the car while I paid?

Did you ever wonder why
I was running to the car?

Oh, my God. I'm a thief.

I think technically
you're an accessory.

Which should make you happy,
because you love accessories...

- earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...
- Shut up!

So, did you enjoy your pilsner?

Did you get the message
about the stallion?

Okay, look, okay? You can't send beer
to the hostess podium, okay?

I almost got fired.
So just pretend you don't know me, okay?

I don't think I do know you,
Caroline.

Caroline has upset me.

I can't wait
to dine and dash on her ass...

her beautiful ass.

- I'll go first.
- Hyde, we're not doing this.

And especially not you,
'cause you're on probation.

- So what?
- So what?

You get caught, you go to jail,
and I've heard nothing good about jail.

I haven't done one stinkin' illegal thing
since I got probation.

So, what, you're mad because you haven't
committed any crimes since your last crime?

Yeah, so I'm going.

Can I help you?

- What happened?
- This place is like Alcatraz, man.

There's no way out.

So it was either a U.F.O.
Or I rubbed my eyes too hard.

Okay. Good story, Midge.

So, Red, how's work?

Well, yesterday I hired some new guy
down in sporting goods...

- but I don't know...
- Whoa. You hired a new guy?

Oh, that's funny.

I remember when I was doing the hiring
at my store, and you were out of work.

I hired you...

neighbor.

- Listen, Bob...
- No. Midgie?

- We're going home.
- But I have gin.

We're playing bridge!

I can't do it.

I've gone soft, man.
I'm like Forman.

It sickens me.

Mm. So you can't do it.

I wonder why.

- Why, oh, why?
- Oh! I know why.

- Yes, Donna?
- Because it's wrong.

That's right, Miss Pinciotti.
It's wrong.

Gee, what a surprise...
Mom and Dad don't want to do it.

We are not Mom and Dad.

And we're not leaving
without paying, young man.

Fine. Fine.
I'll pay for the stupid dinner.

Now just give me
your stupid keys...

so I can get my money
out of your stupid car.

Stupid.

I don't care if you're
in the freakin' Olympics...

about to run the freakin'
hundred-yard dash...

If someone sends you a beer,
you say thank you...

and drink the freakin' beer.

Um, Eric?

Did Kelso leave
his money at home?

- 'Cause he just drove away in the Vista Cruiser.
- What?

No. No, he wouldn't ditch us.

Are you sure? 'Cause as he drove
past he was doing this...

No. Donna, he's kidding.

He wouldn't ditch us.

He ditched us!

I'm sure he's right outside.
I'll go get him.

- Fez, I don't know.
- Don't worry.

I'll go and get the money
and come back.

You can trust me.

- He's not coming back!
- And we trusted him.

Foreigners lie.

You know what?

I'm just gonna call my dad,
and he'll come pay for our dinner.

Okay, but, Jackie,
if you don't come back...

Eric, please. I'm not immature
like those idiots.

She is immature
like those idiots!

I can't believe
I got stuck here with the squares.

We're not squares!

Donna, settle down.

You don't want
to upset your stomach.

This is bad, man.

If I'm not fighting against the system,
I am the system.

Screw it. I'm going.

Banzai!

Okay, I can take the check now.

Or whenever... or now.

Uh...

Two more bananas Foster, please.

Eric, what are you doing?

I'm stalling. They'll come back.

Joke's over, you know?

Best thing about this joke,
it just keeps going and going.

And not only
did we break the law...

we screwed our friends
while breaking the law.

How dumb was he
to give me the car keys?

I mean, who here trusts me?

- No way.
- Not me.

Thank you.

You know what?
Stolen food just tastes better.

Dinner roll?

Guys, I feel bad
about Eric and Donna.

Maybe we should figure out
a way to help them.

Sure, we could do that.

Or...

we could ask ourselves,
"How can we make this worse?"

Happy anniversary
Happy anniversary

Happy anniversary Donna and Eric

With best wishes from Hyde,
Kelso, Fez and Jackie.

- Oh, this is just terrible.
- Oh, Kitty.

Quincy's no Columbo,
but he's still pretty good.

Red, Bob was very upset
when he left here.

Bob's always upset.

He's a little girl
in big boy pants.

Well, why didn't you
offer him a job?

I didn't want to insult him
by offering him some nothing job.

Oh, Red, you insult him
every day.

But that's different.
He thinks I'm kidding.

Kitty, this is about
a man's dignity.

Oh, sure, it was...

It was awful, what happened.

But let's just
put it behind us...

and watch Quincy.

Hey!

Oh, come on, Red.
How bad would it be working with Bob?

It's a big store.
You'd hardly ever see him.

Maybe you could...
You could hide from him.

He'd find me.

He always finds me.

Well, you better
think of something...

because they are gonna live next door
to us for a long, long time.

You don't know that.

He's out of work.
He'll probably lose the house.

Fine. I'll talk to Bob.

But you gotta work
on your sense of humor, lady.

Man, I can't believe
those guys screwed us like this.

- Well, at least we still have each other.
- You know what? You're right.

I can't count on much in this crazy world,
but I can always count on you.

That is so true.

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Okay.

Hey!

Why don't you just
sit your lyin' ass down?

Eric, don't you trust me?

Not as far as I can throw you,
and that ain't far.

How can you say that?

Okay, so I noticed the fire exit
was next to the bathroom.

Doesn't mean I'd use it.
I happened to notice it, that's all.

It's very convenient.

Donna, don't you see
what's happening?

They've turned us
against each other.

You're right.
I was gonna use the fire exit. I was!

You know why they do this?
Because they know we won't get them back.

We're responsible,
mature "Mom and Dad."

We just...
We won't stoop to their level.

Well, damn it, let's stoop to their level
or an even lower level.

Yeah. Oh, I'm with you,
baby, yeah.

There's just one problem.

We can't do it from in here.

If I don't make it...

tell Mama I'm sorry.

Don't talk like that.

You'll tell her yourself.

Hey, Bob.

So, taking out your trash, huh?

No, Red,
I'm bringing it back in.

Yeah, Bob.

That's a good one.

Listen, I want to offer you
a job at Price Mart.

- Geez, Red, Price Mart?
- What?

Yeah, that may be fine for you, but you're
talking to a guy who owned his own business.

And ran it into the ground.

Okay, I'm, uh...

I'm sorry.

Just take the job, Bob.

- No.
- Okay.

That's fine, Bob. There is no job.
Forget it.

Oh, so now you're not
offering me a job.

I just offered you the job,
and you said you didn't want the job.

Well, ask me again.

Oh, cripes.

You want a job
at Price Mart, Bob?

I'll think about it.

Go to hell, Bob!

Okay, you guys. Okay.
Good one last night.

You know, ditching us
at the restaurant and everything.

Yeah, we got you so bad.

You really did.
We laughed and laughed.

To show you guys
we're such good sports...

we made you guys a batch
of special brownies.

Special brownies.
Like the special kind of special?

The best kind of special.

Something's wrong.
I don't feel special.

Me neither.

Yeah, I don't think those
were special brownies, man.

Oh, no, no. They're special.

Say, Donna, do you have any more
of that special ingredient we used?

Well, I certainly do, Eric.

Chocolate Super-Lax.

- You didn't.
- We did.

We so did. Now maybe
you'll think twice before screwing us.

Well, nice try, 'cause I don't feel any...

Oh, no. I am last.

- Ay, no!
- I know.

You're surprised to see me, right?
And upset.

- Yes, many things are upset.
- Okay, listen.

Okay, listen, Fez.
About last night...

I know you were angry,
and you have every right to be.

But you know what this was?

- Our first fight.
- Oh!

And it made us a real couple...
if you can forgive me.

- Fine. Move away from the door.
- So we're okay?

Good. Now let's make up like a real couple.

You bastards!

Wait, Fez! Wait up!

Okay, you guys.

That was a wicked burn.

It had all the elements: You didn't see
it coming, parts of it really hurt...

Well, Kelso,
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Oh, I did.

I got my eye on you two.

You're not gonna burn me
like that again.

- I love our friends.
- Me too.

Hey, Red.

I've been thinking
about your offer...

and I want you to know,
I made a decision.

Oh, goody.

But I need you to ask me again.

Bob, would you, uh...

like a job at Price Mart?

Say it like you mean it.

Go to hell, Bob!