Testees (2008): Season 1, Episode 12 - Project X - full transcript
Testico won't tell Ron and Pete what they are testing and they start to imagine symptoms everywhere; they're not eating, sleeping or leaving the apartment as they quickly descend into madness.
Great it's one of these.
You know it's going to be
a doozie when they put us in the cube
Good morning Testees.
Hey, why don't you
guys come in here?
It's not safe.
What are you giving us?
We didn't get any pills or
injections when we checked in.
Today's drug is a gas.
What?
Breathe deeply.
Yes, good.
It smells like sweaty feet
What is this stuff;
what are we inhaling?
It's classified.
Classified? What is it dangerous?
Why is it classified?
That is also classified.
Please, tell us what this
stuff is. Give us a hint.
No
What are we
supposed to do?
Stay in there for ten
minutes then go home.
Do whatever you
normally do.
Fill out your
symptom reports.
What symptoms?
I don't feel anything.
Me neither.
Oh, you will!
This is bad.
This is really bad.
Especially if it was
invented by Germans.
Look at all of these
possible side effects Ron,
anyone of these
would be a nightmare.
Giant boils, open
sores, rectal bleeding.
Do you have any of them?
Not yet, but something's
coming and it's not going to be good
They gassed us.
They don't administer
anything good with gas.
There are no gas vitamins.
They use gas to poison
huge populations.
Oh my god, you're right.
They use gas
on insects too.
Yeah and people
on death row.
Jesus Ron...my
leg, my leg!
I can't feel it!
I'm paralyzed.
I've lost the use of my leg.
That means I'm going
to be paralyzed too.
Wait, wait, false alarm,
the feeling's coming back.
I think it was
just asleep.
What were we thinking?
Paralyzed, come on.
-What the hell?
-What?
Look at my hand.
My skin's dry.
It's like my hand is
just drying right up?
It could be a super
raging poison.
We're going to shrivel up into the bodies
of 90 year men in a few minute
Oh my god, but of course.
Oh my back.
Look at me Ron.
How does my skin look?
Do I have any gray hairs?
Oh my god you do
have gray hairs.
Jesus Ron, I'm scared.
-What have they done to us?
-What the hell is this?
There's a lump, there's a
huge lump on your shoulder!
Cancer!
Where do you think
you're going?
Experiment room #9.
Not dressed like
that you're not.
You know it's
a sterile room.
You need to wear proper
Testico issued attire.
I am.
Oh really?
See I didn't get the
rhinestone and cape memo.
I'm not going to let you
sign in until you change.
What's wrong peaches?
Menopause?
I thought I smelled
something rotting.
I don't understand why you
think you're so cool Larry.
I don't think I'm cool
I know I'm cool.
No, no you're not.
You're a slimy 40-year-old
wanna-be lady's man
who has awful taste in clothes and a
dead-end job testing drugs.
You've got a lot of
spunk for a secretary.
-I'm a receptionist!
-Oh really?
And you're a joke.
See that nail polish
you're wearing,
I tested it.
Your hairspray,
all me baby.
You tested my hairspray?
You're my hero.
Face it Larry, a monkey
can do your job.
Oh wait...
a monkey
is doing your job in experiment room 7.
You think my job is easy?
-Yes
-You think anybody can do it?
- Anyone.
- Prove it
Hey Pete, it's the bone,
it's not cancer. I think.
-Ron, look at me.
-What?
You don't see it?
What? Just tell me.
Look at the size
of this toothpaste!
Shit, big toothpaste.
What does it mean?
The toothpaste never
used to be this big.
-Yeah it is bigger.
-Wrong
I'm smaller.
Shrinking.
Oh my god, they gave
us shrinking gas?
You're right.
In a few hours we're going to be the size of ants.
What do we do?
Go get your magnifying glass
and meet me in the living room.
-What ?
-There's no time to ask questions, just do it!
I don't understand why we
can't just go to Testico.
If we go outside and keep
shrinking we're going to
get attacked by a cat and
then a bird and eventually a grasshopper
We've got to stay in here
where it's safe and we got everything we need.
We got a magnifying glass
so people can see us.
We got weapons so we
can protect ourselves.
And we got this rope here
so we can climb down to the floor
Put knots in it so
we can climb easier.
What about the cracker?
Month's supply of food.
And the remote control? how are we going to
change the channels if we're tiny?
We're going to jump
on the buttons.
Makes sense.
Now we wait.
All right, coast is clear.
Still time
to chicken out baby.
Not a chance.
I'm doing this to shut you up
So what are we testing here Taron?
Shh...Don't tell her.
Personally I like to
keep it a surprise.
-A surprise? Why?
-Tricks of the trade baby.
Makes it easier to
identify the symptoms.
You need to understand I
am a master of this shit.
Now shut up and open wide.
Me first.
-Larry...
-All right
Tastes like peppermint.
Easy, I feel nothing
Like I said Larry,
anyone can do it, so get over yourself
What?
Yeah, 5-8, same size
as you ever were.
-It seems short
-Well you're a small man
But we're not shrinking.
Well something is going to
happen to us Ron...soon.
They wouldn't just give us a drug that
doesn't do anything, would they?
-How would I know?
- Yeah, how would you know?
- What are you saying?
What do you think I'm saying?
I think you're saying that
I know what they gave us.
- Well, do you?
- Of course not
- Do you?
- Me?
Course not, I
just asked you.
Which would be the perfect way
of stopping me from asking you
Oh, you're
good damn good.
- Where you going?
- I'm going to make hotdogs.
Testico said go home and
do what we normally do.
Well on Thursdays we
normally eat hotdogs.
Wait a minute! Do what we
normally do that's it
The drug in the gas is
dormant, it's waiting.
I guess it
needs a trigger.
Yeah, it becomes active when it interacts
somehow with something from our daily lives
Something...normal.
Sugar, salt tomatoes all in one bottle,
the most normal ingredients in the world.
Anything could
be the trigger.
Vitamins?
Minerals?
Do you know how easy it would be to consume
a mineral and not even know it?
Look in the freezer.
We haven't used that thing
in years. Grandma's perogies!
Of course the old poison gas and
perogy combo. Nice try Testico
That's everything.
Good, now all that's left is
the stuff in the bathroom.
Our cleaning supplies, our clothes, our
furniture, the rugs, the stuff on the walls,
the stuff in the walls
and we'll be safe.
Yeah, safe.
Dot, dot, dot
Don't tell me you're that stupid Ron
No, no.
Let's go do our enemas.
No answer, they
must be out.
What? Why is everyone
avoiding me?
Because you smell like you have
just eaten a month-old dead goat
I'll be fine,
I'll have a mint.
Look track down Mr.
Cooper and Mr. Mitchell.
Without those symptom reports we have no
idea how the paranoia gas is affecting them
Okay
Space shuttle should
be directly above us.
Now ...
Testico would be so pissed
if they knew we haven't
eaten, slept or gone
to the bathroom.
Yeah but they can't know because
we blocked out the frequency right
Exactly my friend, so the tracking devices
they put in us can't transmit.
And we're facing magnetic north so
we should be invisible to their probes
-They don't know who they're dealing with
- So all we can do is wait.
-What the hell was that?
-It's my stomach.
-Oh Jesus Ron, it's hatching?
-What?
Whatever they
put inside you.
I'm sorry buddy you're
already infected.
Good afternoon, Testico.
Can I help you?
Testico.
Problems there pumpkin?
I can handle it Larry.
- Oh my god, what?
- You want to marry me
-Oh my god
-That's not what I said
Bed...she wants
to go to bed.
I'm not even tired.
You know what baby; I've
already banged you...move on.
I hate you.
You want to rape me?
I got witnesses,
that's sexual assault.
Listen baby, where I
come from no means no.
Well I have a
take me on, I can take it.
Take it?
Can I take this?
Call me when you
want it to end.
Stop moving Ron, we only
have one shot at this.
I'm going to
cut...along here...
... the alien ... should be...
here.
-You said it was right here
-Well it moved
-Now keep still
-Okay, just get it out of me
I'm not going to lie to
you Ron, this might hurt.
Wait, how come I'm
infected and you're not?
- What do you mean?
- I mean what if there is no infection?
Don't be stupid, we both
know there's an infection.
Now hold on.
You really want to cut
me open don't you buddy?
What are you
trying to stop me?
I see it's too late, your brain
has already been infected
Who are you and what have
you done with my friend?
I'm beginning to think that you made up this
whole alien hatching thing because you want me dead.
- Call him, call him.
- Okay, I will call him
I know you want the antiserum
Amy, what were
you thinking?
You were not supposed to take this test.
You are a secretary.
Receptionist!
This spray is
a powerful covert weapon
using radioactive isotopes
to break down the body the
way the paranoia gas
breaks down the mind.
It's a low dosage.
Eventually reversible, but
it has serious side effects.
Inflammation of the
tongue, the saliva glands,
boils on your face, hair
loss, clammy, sallow skin.
Thank you.
The hump was unexpected.
I don't want to hear it.
These are for professional
testees only.
I am extremely
disappointed with you.
Besides I can't give you
the precious antidote.
Larry already
picked it up.
I'm not going to
let you kill me!
The way you killed Ron.
And so it begins.
I'm going to kill you.
Die alien scum.
I'll see you in hell.
You killed my friend.
Who are you?
What have you done to Ron?
What planet are you from
and what do you want?
Go to space and die.
Wait, wait, wait, wait
Maybe there's no poison or
government conspiracy to kill us
Maybe it's all in our heads.
Yeah, you could be right.
I mean look at you.
-You're wearing a dart board
-You are wearing a strainer
We're such idiots.
It was probably just a harmless
gas that does nothing.
Yeah they gave it to us
on purpose, the bastards.
I can't believe I thought
you were an alien.
Hello?
Hello?
Who was it?
I don't know.
Well what did they say?
Is that so?
Please give me
the antidote.
Hi Amy, looking for this?
The antidote?
The antidote.
You haven't figured
it out have you Amy?
The rhinestones, thecape...you were right
when you said any monkey can do these tests.
I just need the right little
monkey to do this test for me
See I'm just not into
the radioactive shit.
It's okay, open your mouth.
But I need you to
say it just once.
You're not just a
testee, you're Larry.
Say it.
Say it.
No?
Ah, my finger.
Not much further Ron.
We're just going for a
little ride in the car.
Damn it, why can't I ever
get this thing to go down.
Pull the lever on the
passenger side near the back.
Right.
Help, somebody help me.
Sorry Ron.
You understand...
Pete, don't do this.
Help!
It's for your
own good Ron.
You'll be safe now.
I'm your best friend.
Yes Ron.
Don't leave me here.
I don't want to
I really don't but you didn't leave
me much choice did you Ron?
I don't want to die Pete.
Yeah, I know.
Good bye Ron, don't call back again,
I don't have free nights and weekends
Ron, I had the
strangest dream.
You were supposed to fill
out your symptom reports
and come in when
we called you.
Well we didn't know
it was a paranoia gas.
Who would you even
make that for?
The military, they could drop
it on enemy combatants...
Causing them to turn on each
other and become easy targets.
Yeah, well it works.
How soon can you come
in for a full workup?
Hard to say...
idiots!
Ron, you still there?
Pete, I'm still alive.
Well that's a
relief right?
It's all over.
It's not all over.
You have to get
me out of here.
I'm running out of air.
I'm sorry.
Do you know where
you buried me?
Do you have any idea?
This place looks so
different at night.
How much battery...do
I have left?
Where'd you bury me?
Will you hang tight Ron,
I'll find you...
Eventually...
You know it's going to be
a doozie when they put us in the cube
Good morning Testees.
Hey, why don't you
guys come in here?
It's not safe.
What are you giving us?
We didn't get any pills or
injections when we checked in.
Today's drug is a gas.
What?
Breathe deeply.
Yes, good.
It smells like sweaty feet
What is this stuff;
what are we inhaling?
It's classified.
Classified? What is it dangerous?
Why is it classified?
That is also classified.
Please, tell us what this
stuff is. Give us a hint.
No
What are we
supposed to do?
Stay in there for ten
minutes then go home.
Do whatever you
normally do.
Fill out your
symptom reports.
What symptoms?
I don't feel anything.
Me neither.
Oh, you will!
This is bad.
This is really bad.
Especially if it was
invented by Germans.
Look at all of these
possible side effects Ron,
anyone of these
would be a nightmare.
Giant boils, open
sores, rectal bleeding.
Do you have any of them?
Not yet, but something's
coming and it's not going to be good
They gassed us.
They don't administer
anything good with gas.
There are no gas vitamins.
They use gas to poison
huge populations.
Oh my god, you're right.
They use gas
on insects too.
Yeah and people
on death row.
Jesus Ron...my
leg, my leg!
I can't feel it!
I'm paralyzed.
I've lost the use of my leg.
That means I'm going
to be paralyzed too.
Wait, wait, false alarm,
the feeling's coming back.
I think it was
just asleep.
What were we thinking?
Paralyzed, come on.
-What the hell?
-What?
Look at my hand.
My skin's dry.
It's like my hand is
just drying right up?
It could be a super
raging poison.
We're going to shrivel up into the bodies
of 90 year men in a few minute
Oh my god, but of course.
Oh my back.
Look at me Ron.
How does my skin look?
Do I have any gray hairs?
Oh my god you do
have gray hairs.
Jesus Ron, I'm scared.
-What have they done to us?
-What the hell is this?
There's a lump, there's a
huge lump on your shoulder!
Cancer!
Where do you think
you're going?
Experiment room #9.
Not dressed like
that you're not.
You know it's
a sterile room.
You need to wear proper
Testico issued attire.
I am.
Oh really?
See I didn't get the
rhinestone and cape memo.
I'm not going to let you
sign in until you change.
What's wrong peaches?
Menopause?
I thought I smelled
something rotting.
I don't understand why you
think you're so cool Larry.
I don't think I'm cool
I know I'm cool.
No, no you're not.
You're a slimy 40-year-old
wanna-be lady's man
who has awful taste in clothes and a
dead-end job testing drugs.
You've got a lot of
spunk for a secretary.
-I'm a receptionist!
-Oh really?
And you're a joke.
See that nail polish
you're wearing,
I tested it.
Your hairspray,
all me baby.
You tested my hairspray?
You're my hero.
Face it Larry, a monkey
can do your job.
Oh wait...
a monkey
is doing your job in experiment room 7.
You think my job is easy?
-Yes
-You think anybody can do it?
- Anyone.
- Prove it
Hey Pete, it's the bone,
it's not cancer. I think.
-Ron, look at me.
-What?
You don't see it?
What? Just tell me.
Look at the size
of this toothpaste!
Shit, big toothpaste.
What does it mean?
The toothpaste never
used to be this big.
-Yeah it is bigger.
-Wrong
I'm smaller.
Shrinking.
Oh my god, they gave
us shrinking gas?
You're right.
In a few hours we're going to be the size of ants.
What do we do?
Go get your magnifying glass
and meet me in the living room.
-What ?
-There's no time to ask questions, just do it!
I don't understand why we
can't just go to Testico.
If we go outside and keep
shrinking we're going to
get attacked by a cat and
then a bird and eventually a grasshopper
We've got to stay in here
where it's safe and we got everything we need.
We got a magnifying glass
so people can see us.
We got weapons so we
can protect ourselves.
And we got this rope here
so we can climb down to the floor
Put knots in it so
we can climb easier.
What about the cracker?
Month's supply of food.
And the remote control? how are we going to
change the channels if we're tiny?
We're going to jump
on the buttons.
Makes sense.
Now we wait.
All right, coast is clear.
Still time
to chicken out baby.
Not a chance.
I'm doing this to shut you up
So what are we testing here Taron?
Shh...Don't tell her.
Personally I like to
keep it a surprise.
-A surprise? Why?
-Tricks of the trade baby.
Makes it easier to
identify the symptoms.
You need to understand I
am a master of this shit.
Now shut up and open wide.
Me first.
-Larry...
-All right
Tastes like peppermint.
Easy, I feel nothing
Like I said Larry,
anyone can do it, so get over yourself
What?
Yeah, 5-8, same size
as you ever were.
-It seems short
-Well you're a small man
But we're not shrinking.
Well something is going to
happen to us Ron...soon.
They wouldn't just give us a drug that
doesn't do anything, would they?
-How would I know?
- Yeah, how would you know?
- What are you saying?
What do you think I'm saying?
I think you're saying that
I know what they gave us.
- Well, do you?
- Of course not
- Do you?
- Me?
Course not, I
just asked you.
Which would be the perfect way
of stopping me from asking you
Oh, you're
good damn good.
- Where you going?
- I'm going to make hotdogs.
Testico said go home and
do what we normally do.
Well on Thursdays we
normally eat hotdogs.
Wait a minute! Do what we
normally do that's it
The drug in the gas is
dormant, it's waiting.
I guess it
needs a trigger.
Yeah, it becomes active when it interacts
somehow with something from our daily lives
Something...normal.
Sugar, salt tomatoes all in one bottle,
the most normal ingredients in the world.
Anything could
be the trigger.
Vitamins?
Minerals?
Do you know how easy it would be to consume
a mineral and not even know it?
Look in the freezer.
We haven't used that thing
in years. Grandma's perogies!
Of course the old poison gas and
perogy combo. Nice try Testico
That's everything.
Good, now all that's left is
the stuff in the bathroom.
Our cleaning supplies, our clothes, our
furniture, the rugs, the stuff on the walls,
the stuff in the walls
and we'll be safe.
Yeah, safe.
Dot, dot, dot
Don't tell me you're that stupid Ron
No, no.
Let's go do our enemas.
No answer, they
must be out.
What? Why is everyone
avoiding me?
Because you smell like you have
just eaten a month-old dead goat
I'll be fine,
I'll have a mint.
Look track down Mr.
Cooper and Mr. Mitchell.
Without those symptom reports we have no
idea how the paranoia gas is affecting them
Okay
Space shuttle should
be directly above us.
Now ...
Testico would be so pissed
if they knew we haven't
eaten, slept or gone
to the bathroom.
Yeah but they can't know because
we blocked out the frequency right
Exactly my friend, so the tracking devices
they put in us can't transmit.
And we're facing magnetic north so
we should be invisible to their probes
-They don't know who they're dealing with
- So all we can do is wait.
-What the hell was that?
-It's my stomach.
-Oh Jesus Ron, it's hatching?
-What?
Whatever they
put inside you.
I'm sorry buddy you're
already infected.
Good afternoon, Testico.
Can I help you?
Testico.
Problems there pumpkin?
I can handle it Larry.
- Oh my god, what?
- You want to marry me
-Oh my god
-That's not what I said
Bed...she wants
to go to bed.
I'm not even tired.
You know what baby; I've
already banged you...move on.
I hate you.
You want to rape me?
I got witnesses,
that's sexual assault.
Listen baby, where I
come from no means no.
Well I have a
take me on, I can take it.
Take it?
Can I take this?
Call me when you
want it to end.
Stop moving Ron, we only
have one shot at this.
I'm going to
cut...along here...
... the alien ... should be...
here.
-You said it was right here
-Well it moved
-Now keep still
-Okay, just get it out of me
I'm not going to lie to
you Ron, this might hurt.
Wait, how come I'm
infected and you're not?
- What do you mean?
- I mean what if there is no infection?
Don't be stupid, we both
know there's an infection.
Now hold on.
You really want to cut
me open don't you buddy?
What are you
trying to stop me?
I see it's too late, your brain
has already been infected
Who are you and what have
you done with my friend?
I'm beginning to think that you made up this
whole alien hatching thing because you want me dead.
- Call him, call him.
- Okay, I will call him
I know you want the antiserum
Amy, what were
you thinking?
You were not supposed to take this test.
You are a secretary.
Receptionist!
This spray is
a powerful covert weapon
using radioactive isotopes
to break down the body the
way the paranoia gas
breaks down the mind.
It's a low dosage.
Eventually reversible, but
it has serious side effects.
Inflammation of the
tongue, the saliva glands,
boils on your face, hair
loss, clammy, sallow skin.
Thank you.
The hump was unexpected.
I don't want to hear it.
These are for professional
testees only.
I am extremely
disappointed with you.
Besides I can't give you
the precious antidote.
Larry already
picked it up.
I'm not going to
let you kill me!
The way you killed Ron.
And so it begins.
I'm going to kill you.
Die alien scum.
I'll see you in hell.
You killed my friend.
Who are you?
What have you done to Ron?
What planet are you from
and what do you want?
Go to space and die.
Wait, wait, wait, wait
Maybe there's no poison or
government conspiracy to kill us
Maybe it's all in our heads.
Yeah, you could be right.
I mean look at you.
-You're wearing a dart board
-You are wearing a strainer
We're such idiots.
It was probably just a harmless
gas that does nothing.
Yeah they gave it to us
on purpose, the bastards.
I can't believe I thought
you were an alien.
Hello?
Hello?
Who was it?
I don't know.
Well what did they say?
Is that so?
Please give me
the antidote.
Hi Amy, looking for this?
The antidote?
The antidote.
You haven't figured
it out have you Amy?
The rhinestones, thecape...you were right
when you said any monkey can do these tests.
I just need the right little
monkey to do this test for me
See I'm just not into
the radioactive shit.
It's okay, open your mouth.
But I need you to
say it just once.
You're not just a
testee, you're Larry.
Say it.
Say it.
No?
Ah, my finger.
Not much further Ron.
We're just going for a
little ride in the car.
Damn it, why can't I ever
get this thing to go down.
Pull the lever on the
passenger side near the back.
Right.
Help, somebody help me.
Sorry Ron.
You understand...
Pete, don't do this.
Help!
It's for your
own good Ron.
You'll be safe now.
I'm your best friend.
Yes Ron.
Don't leave me here.
I don't want to
I really don't but you didn't leave
me much choice did you Ron?
I don't want to die Pete.
Yeah, I know.
Good bye Ron, don't call back again,
I don't have free nights and weekends
Ron, I had the
strangest dream.
You were supposed to fill
out your symptom reports
and come in when
we called you.
Well we didn't know
it was a paranoia gas.
Who would you even
make that for?
The military, they could drop
it on enemy combatants...
Causing them to turn on each
other and become easy targets.
Yeah, well it works.
How soon can you come
in for a full workup?
Hard to say...
idiots!
Ron, you still there?
Pete, I'm still alive.
Well that's a
relief right?
It's all over.
It's not all over.
You have to get
me out of here.
I'm running out of air.
I'm sorry.
Do you know where
you buried me?
Do you have any idea?
This place looks so
different at night.
How much battery...do
I have left?
Where'd you bury me?
Will you hang tight Ron,
I'll find you...
Eventually...