Testees (2008): Season 1, Episode 13 - Truth Serum - full transcript

What was that?

We're testing a
new rabies vaccine

We're having difficulties
getting it just quite right.

Okay, you know what;
this is ridiculous

Look at us Ron. Look at what we're doing,
what we do every week.

Come on Pete...

No.

You know what, Dr. Ng?

I'm sick of you and your
shitty experiments.

You're a hack.

You're a cruel, mean, sick
and twisted little bastard



Why don't you crawl back into
whatever hole you came from and die?

And you, stupid sidekick,
do you have

any legitimate medical training,
any credentials you scum?

I see that truth serum
has already taken affect.

Truth serum?

Very powerful.

Now get this,

I quit.

So you can take this job

and shop it

I love this job.

Transcript : YYeTs
Synchro : Bistro 6

Oh, oh my win, you suck,
get lost, later loser.

Fooze ball?



Larry, still
in quarantine?

Yeah, I'm here for a week.

What the hell is
wrong with you?

I got dandruff, my feet
stink, I don't love Jesus.

I treat women
like objects

I have horrible
taste in clothes...

How come you're so hairy?

Oh, rabies vaccine.

I got werewolf syndrome.

Werewolf syndrome; is it
really worth it Larry?

Peter just quit.

-Werewolf syndrome, that's real?
-Google it!

High
Karate right?

Wow.

How can you tell?

Elevated sense of smell.

Well you are an absolute pig and I will
be delighted to never see you again

Truth serum...

Ass.

Peter, time to
change your gauchies.

One game, come on !

I should go, he's just
emotionally fragile.

Hey pigtails, it's
called a douche. Try it.

Okay, look at all
of these great jobs.

Earn up to $2,000 a week from home and they're
only going to charge me $500 to learn Korean.

Oh, come on, you're not
smart enough to learn Korean.

You're way too lazy. You'll never
amount to anything.

That's how you
really feel about me?

I don't know
why I said that.

Truth serum
must be working.

It's okay, it's how
you really feel.

Anything else you
want to tell me?

When we were kids I stole your
brother's comic books. It was me.

You?

My brother blamed
me for years.

But listen, that was a
long time ago right;

water under the
bridge, we were kids.

Yeah, kids do
stupid stuff.

I'd pee in your apple juice
all the time in kindergarten.

I see.

It was me who put the
poison ivy in your bed at camp.

They sent me home for that
Ron, two months early!

Yeah, I know.

I don't know why I'm
saying this stuff.

It's okay, let's
get it all out.

I want to hear everything.

I want to tell you...phone
and cable bills.

Phone and cable
bills; what is that?

I told you the amount is
double every month and

you've been paying the
whole things for years.

You bastard!

You sneaky, lying bastard,
get back here, get back here.

I don't want
to talk to you.

Don't ignore me.

Ronnie!

Time
to come clean Ron.

Is that even
your real name?

Come here Ronnie, you
can't hide in the bathroom.

Spit that
toothpaste out Ron.

I don't want
to talk to you.

It's time to unlock
the book of secrets.

No, get away from me.

Ronnie, get back here.

Still no success with the
experimental rabies vaccine.

Test subjects adopt a
canine behavior

or in extreme cases experience hyper
trichosis or werewolf syndrome.

Where do you think
you're going Ron?

Just get away from me,
just leave me alone.

I want to know what other
lies you've been keeping

Tell me the secret Ron.

from me all these years.

Yeah, okay, you
really want to know?

Yeah, okay, damn
truth serum.

I had sex with
Marnie May Hugh.

My girlfriend?
When?

The bathroom
on prom night.

I was drunk and I
felt terrible after.

I dated her for three years and
I never even had sex with her

Yeah, I know, every
other guy did.

That's what I was trying
to tell you but she gave

me a blow job not to say
anything that night and

what was I supposed to do?

You were supposed to
not get a blow job.

I'm sorry.

Gross. We made
out that night.

Just get away from me.I don't want
to be telling it anymore Ronnie

Hey wait a minute,
you had a pill too.

Huh?

What are your secrets,
what have you been hiding?

Oh I've told you tons of lies
over the years; whoppers.

Oh really, like what?

Like whenever I make you a sandwich
I put a tiny dash of mayo on there even

though I know you
don't like mayo.

It makes it creamier.

I already knew that.

You don't think I can
see it on the bread?

All right, well
get a load of this.

I don't really
get car sick.

I only say I do so I can
always get the front seat.

Oh yeah, that's it,
that's all you got?

- I think so
- Well you're lying

You didn't get the truth
serum, you got the placebo.

No way!

Yeah, of course you did.

Those are your
dark secrets?

Give me a break, I got
way worse than that.

Like what?

Like the time your mom
told me about your dad and

made me promise not
to say anything.

What? Tell me!

What was that Ron,
I can't make it out?

What?

Get back here!

What did my mom tell
you not to tell me?

Your real dad
is still alive.

What are you talking bout?

His fighter crashed in the ocean
during a training exercise.

No.

He was not even
a pilot Pete.

I have his medals.

I have his wings.

Your mom got that at
an army surplus store.

She lied to you.

How could you
possibly know that?

Ever since I was a kid I
wanted to be a hairdresser.

It's just that I always
knew it was what I was meant to do

and your mom, she was kind
to a young boy with a dream

Oh Ron, you're a
miracle worker.

Well I have to be, I mean
look at these split ends.

Do you hate your hair?

Well no, of course not.

Well then show
it some love.

Try a better conditioner.

Here, use this.

It's got five different
kinds of kelp.

Oh, look at that.

Too bad Bob will
never notice.

Sure he will;
you're a knockout.

Peter's real father, now he
would notice every little change

Of course I was the only person
he ever saw so it was easy.

The captain, yeah, it's
too bad he's passed on.

Oh Peter's father wasn't a
pilot and he's not dead.

What do you mean?

You know, I really
shouldn't say.

Oh no, the only thing you
should tease is your hair.

Okay, it was the 70's.

I was working nights at
the mental hospital.

I was young and very
horny, horny, horny...

Ron!

You know I'm telling
you the truth Pete.

Do you want me to
tell it or what?

Fine, go on.

I worked in E block where
we kept the scum of the earth

the worst of the worst, where murders
and psychopaths were locked

away from society forever.

Most women would have been
scared to work in a place like that but

I was always attracted
to the wrong kind of men.

I remember I was on my rounds

and i stopped at the last cell, the one
where we kept the raving

lunatic, Ezekiel Jones.

Ezekiel and I had a
special relationship;

We talked a lot, he was a good listener.

Then one magical night
after lockdown

consummated our love; a
love no cage could hold.

He was a
wonderful lover.

He may have had the brain
of a demented 4-year-old

but he had the schmeckel
the size of a pony.

So he's a demon child.

Yes but I grew
to love him,

though I always loved
his brother more.

Huh?

Now you can't tell anyone.

- But Pete's my best friend
- Secrecy is the stylist code.

If you tell Peter you'll
never be a hairdresser.

Okay, you win.

Curlers are done.

Oh, Farah Fawcett eat your
heart your heart out.

I'm going to get so fired for busting
you out of quarantine Larry

He killed his whole family
with a paring knife.

Well not his whole
family I guess.

So in a way it's
kind of cool right?

My whole life I thought my dad
died in a training exercise in CA

His F14 Tomcat
hitting jet wash,

spinning out of
control, him ejecting,

hitting his head on the cockpit and
falling lifelessly into the ocean.

Kind of how Goose
died in Top Gun.

I've been telling that
story since I was 14.

You knew it was a lie
and you kept it from me.

You heard what she said, if I told
you I'd never become a hairdresser.

You're still not a hairdresser Ron,
which by the way is the gayest thing ever.

You've been lying to me about
everything since the day we met

But when we met we
couldn't even talk.

I don't need your excuses
Ron and I don't need you.

But this is a good thing Pete.

I'm going to tell you the
truth about everything.

I killed your
hermit crabs;

I accidentally turned off the heat lamp.

My crabs, Joey and Lulu?

Get away from me
Ron and stay away.

You are the worst friend
ever and that's the truth.

I made up the name puber
in high school, it was me.

Larry?

Larry!

Larry, I need your help.

Pete took off. Look...

Down boy!

- Thank you
- Sorry

Ron, goodbye.

I'm leaving you and my
family to go and find the

only person who's never
lied to me, my real father.

Yeah, his real dad happens
to be an insane lunatic.

He could be dangerous.

Larry, I need your car
to go help find Peter.

Yeah right.

No way, you're not
driving my car.

Want to go for a ride?

Can I have your
keys?

Come on boy, come on boy.

Come on boy, let's
go for a ride.

The old Jones place
up on lake Moosehead?

Yeah.

Well, you take the Eagle road till
you come to an old dirt track

It's the one
right at the end.

What are you going
up there for friend?

It's not really any of
your business is it?

I guess not.

Just asking.

This your place?

Yup, owned it
my whole life.

Since you were a baby?

Well, no...

So you're a liar then
just like everybody else.

Call it.

Call what?

Heads or tails.

What are we betting?

My car against whatever
is in your cash register.

You want me to bet my cash
register against that piece of shit

Call it!

Fine.

Heads.

Two out of three.

Oh, you owe me
$20 for gas.

The gas .... is in your car.

It was your car when
you filled it up.

It's your gas.

How am I supposed to get
the gas out of here?

You can take one of these.

$15.

Here's your gas money.

Oh, now that you're walking you can
take the shortcut through the forest

Mr. Jones?

Ezekiel?

No! Oh!

Sorry.

I'm sorry but you gave me
quite a scare young man.

Sorry, I didn't
mean to startle you.

I just wanted to meet you.

Meet me?

Do I know you?

No, but I think you
might know my mother.

Your mother?

1975...you were
in the hospital.

How did you know that?

You're my father.

Father?

Oh, I see.

Yes, well I suppose this day
would have come eventually.

Son...

I can't tell you how happy I am.
You're not what I was expecting.

-I was told you were a lunatic.
-Lunatic?

Well I've been called a
lot of things over the years but

I guess back in the 70's, well yes,
lunatic would have been quite appropriate.

I mean if the shoe fits
wear it, right son?

Right dad.

Peter!

Come on face
it, you're lost.

No, the gas station guy
said it was this way.

Peter!

There is no way in hell
you are going to find

Peter in these woods.

I got these...

Oh!

Peter's underwear.

Well,
go get em boy.

Come on.

Watch.

The trick is to crush the
head in one smooth motion,

kill them before they
know what's hit them.

Okay.

Good.

You know I admit it, I
was a completely, completely

different person; high
on acid, out of my mind.

I'm ashamed of it.

You know you have to
learn to use a knife son.

You can't trust people, but a
sharp knife cuts every time.

I don't have a knife.

Well I'll give you one.
I've got so many.

Anyway, you've obviously
put all that behind you

and pulled
yourself together.

You can say that again.

I made millions designing boats and then
I moved up here to get away from it all

But I've become a very
lonely man with an awful

lot of money and no one to
share it with...until now.

Well I'd be proud to
call you my father Zeke.

Zeke?

Yes.

Ezekiel Jones.

Sweet baby Jesus!

He's a homicidal maniac!

I mean he lives out there
in a shed in the woods.

- You said you were in the hospital
- I was

Rammed my into the back of a milk truck.
I was in traction for a year.

Well, thank you
for the beer.

Wait, you don't want
to go out there;

you won't like
what you find.

I have to.

He's all I've got.

Did you
lose the scent?

God damn it!

You have no idea how
strong my sense of smell is.

Its like you're sticking the
guy's butt directly in my face.

- It's just over that ridge.
- Let's go.

Larry?

Girl scouts.

Don't do it Pete.

That's my father,
my family.

No whatever is in there
isn't your family.

Family is right here.

Me.

Look, we've been best
friends our whole lives.

Okay sure, yeah, I've done
some stupid things here and there

and maybe I should have told you
the truth about your dad

And maybe you shouldn't
have gotten the blow job from my girlfriend

Or even better, maybe
I shouldn't have told you about it

You know we've been best friends our whole lives
because I've been lying to you and keeping secrets

Suddenly I tell you the
truth and you hate me.

Telling the truth never
did anybody any good.

You're not supposed to be
telling each other the shit we did or

sharing our feelings or being honest.

Just supposed to pretend
everything's cool.

That's the secret behind a
true, healthy, happy friendship.

I suppose this is supposed to be
some sort of heartfelt apology

and I believe in your own round about
way you are trying to make amends

It's not great,
but it is honest.

You couldn't lie to me
even if you wanted to.

Actually the truth serum
wore off a couple of hours ago.

Oh yeah?

Sure you're not keeping
any secrets from me?

Positive.

Then why are you holding
on to a pair of my undies?

Oh yeah, you can have
your dirty undies back.

You can have yours back too

Great it's one of these.

You know it's going to be
a doozie when they put us

in the cube.

Good morning Testees.

Hey, why don't you
guys come in here?

It's not safe.

What are you giving us?

We didn't get any pills or
injections when we checked in.

Today's drug is a gas.

What?

Breathe deeply.

Oh!

Yes, good.

It smells like
sweaty feet.

What is this stuff;
what are we inhaling?

It's classified.

Classified? What; is
it dangerous?

Why is it classified?

That is also classified.

Please, tell us what this
stuff is. Give us a hint.

No.

What are we
supposed to do?

Stay in there for ten
minutes then go home.

Do whatever you
normally do.

Fill out your
symptom reports.

What symptoms?
I don't feel anything.

Me neither.

Oh, you will!

This is bad.

This is really bad.

Especially if it was
invented by Germans.

Look at all of these
possible side effects Ron,

anyone of these
would be a nightmare.

Giant boils, open
sores, rectal bleeding.

Do you have any of them?

Not yet, but something's
coming and it's not going

to be good.

They gassed us.

They don't administer
anything good with gas.

There are no gas vitamins.

They use gas to poison
huge populations.

Oh my god, you're right.

They use gas
on insects too.

Yeah and people
on death row.

Jesus Ron...my
leg, my leg!

What?

I can't feel it!

I'm paralyzed.
I've lost the use of my leg.

That means I'm going
to be paralyzed too.

Wait, wait, false alarm,
the feeling's coming back.

I think it was
just asleep.

What were we thinking?
Paralyzed, come on.

What was that?

We're testing a
new rabies vaccine.

What the hell?

We're having difficulties
getting it just quite right.

What?

Look at my hand.

My skin's dry.

It's like my hand is
just drying right up?

It could be a super
raging poison.

We're going to shrivel up
into the bodies of 90 year

Okay, you know what;
this is ridiculous.

men in a few minutes.

Oh my god, but of course.

Look at us Ron.

Look at what we're doing,
what we do every week.

Come on Pete...

No.

Oh my back.

Look at me Ron.

How does my skin look?

You know what Dr. Ng?

Do I have any gray hairs?

Oh my god you do
have gray hairs.

I'm sick of you and your
shitty experiments.

Jesus Ron, I'm scared.

What have they done to us?

What the hell is this?

You're a hack.

What?

There's a lump, there's a
huge lump on your shoulder!

You're a cruel, mean, sick
and twisted little bastard.

Why don't you crawl back
into whatever hole you

Cancer!

Where do you think
you're going?

Experiment room #9.

Not dressed like
that you're not.

came from and die?

You know it's
a sterile room.

And you, stupid sidekick,
do you have any legitimate

You need to wear proper
Testico issued attire.

I am.

Oh really?

medical traing; any
credentials you scum?

See I didn't get the
rhinestone and cape memo.

I'm not going to let you
sign in until you change.

I see that truth serum
has already taken affect.

What's wrong peaches?

Truth serum?

Menopause?

I thought I smelled
something rotting4.

I don't understand why you
think you're so cool Larry.

Very powerful.

Now get this;

I quit.