Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 3 - Reverend Jim: A Space Odyssey - full transcript

( theme music playing )

( singing in native language )

Louie, I finished, eh,
cleaning up the cab.

Good boy, Latka.

Time to split up the old booty.

Yeah.

How much money
did you get today?

Eh, not too much.

( jingles coins )

Two pennies, a dime
and a Canadian quarter?

Yup, that's right.



You mean to tell me
that that's all the money

you got out of
these cabs?

That's all.

You know, Latka,
if you were anybody else,

I'd think you're trying
to pull a fast one on me.

But since it's you,
empty your pockets.

Everything out
on that table.

Everything.

Yeah, but all I have
is just a fe...

a few personal
belongings.

Get 'em out.

All right.

Police state.

Handkerchief...



Yeah, handkerchief.

Eh...

Come on there.

Paintbrush...

A paintbrush.

All right, money,
money, money, money.

And one argyle sock.

Come on, come on.

Eh...
telephone...

Give me that telephone.

Eh, sam-a, sam-a,
sam-a-vich, sam-a-vich.

A sam-a-wich.

No, don't eat
the sam-a-mich--

Get it out.

Okay.

Eh, prayers a-book...

Yeah, come on.

Windshield wiper...

Give me that.

Company property.

Another...
Oh, look. Oh.

( speaking native language )

Come on.

All right.

Cat food.

Cat cookies?!

What do you need
cat cookies for?

Eh...

Get that mangy
thing out of here.

See, this is the Louie
I was telling you about.

Oh... oh.

So y-you recognize
his name.

Hey, Elaine.

Hi, guys.

Well,
well, well.

Where you been?

We ain't seen much
of you lately.

Oh, I know.

I've been spending
every spare minute I have

down at the gallery, you know,
working on the new exhibit.

I feel bad.

I-I feel like I've been
neglecting you guys.

Well, you have.

So, uh, so let's
catch up, you know.

Okay, hey, sit down.

Oh, okay.

So, so what's been
happening?

Uh, uh, Tony, how'd that fight
with Gomez go?

Oh, he knocked me out
in the second round.

Oh. And, uh, hey, Bobby,

weren't you working on
some, uh, experimental play?

Yeah, they closed it.

Oh.

What have
you been
doing, Alex?

Well, I went to a bad play
and a short fight.

Well, uh, how about
if we, uh,

we just play a round,
you know, and, uh...

Yeah, let's
do that. Come on.

All right,
all right.

It'll give me time

to relax and, uh, eat my lunch,

and balance my checkbook
and, uh, go through my mail.

Yeah, everyone needs
to loaf once in awhile.

So, Elaine,
you've been spending

a lot of time down
at the gallery, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Well, see, uh, I-I'm in charge
of this new exhibit,

and it's my first time.

It's taking an enormous
amount of work,

but, but if it goes well
at the opening on Saturday,

it could really give
my career a boost.

From nowhere
to almost somewhere.

LOUIE:
Ooh...

Ms. Nardo's here.

Would you care to take
a stroll over to my cage

and, uh, pick up
your messages?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Well, uh, I'll-I'll be right
back, okay?

Hey, I'm in.

BOBBY:
Okay.

Nardo, messages have been
coming in in droves for you.

I got 11 of them.

Count 'em, 11.

I'm sorry, Louie.

Well, here's $11.

Money, Nardo?

Let's not sully
our relationship.

You make me feel so tawdry.

Okay, uh, so what do you want?

How about coming up to my place
tonight, we'll go crazy?

Here's your money, creep.

I'm wearing her down.

BOBBY:
Well, finally.

Well, here we go.

Uh, listen, I just
got a couple

of quick calls to make, and
I'll be right back, okay?

( guys grumble )

No, no, no.
I said I'd play,
so I'm going to.

( phone rings )

Yeah, besides I got
to eat my lunch.

Oh, Ms. Nardo, it's for you.

( yells ):
She'll be right there.

Probably the gallery.

You in?

Yeah, yeah, I'm in.

Uh, would somebody get
me some coffee?

It's going to be
a long day.

All right.

Hello.

Gee, Elaine
sure is busy.

Yeah, well, I can
relate to that.

You know, I mean, I got
a hectic schedule, too.

You know, driving a cab,
trying to make it as an actor...

Oh, my God!
That reminds me.

I have an audition today.

To-Tony, Tony, you got the time?

Oh, it's 8:30.

That means I have to be ready
in less than five hours.

It never ends.

You know, my life
can be hectic, too.

Do you realize that
if this was tomorrow,

I'd have to be in the gym
in 15 minutes.

Oh, Tony, Tony, we got to come
up for air sometime.

I hear you.

Is that my coffee?

Yeah,
wait a minute.

How many cups have
you already had today?

Three.

Okay.

I lied, I had eight.

I lied,
that's hot chocolate.

Elaine, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Sit down, please.

Uh, what's on your mind?

I'm worried about you.

Aw.

No "aw," I'm really
worried about you.

I know, I worry about
you too sometimes.

We're not talking about me.
I'm wonderful.

Yeah, you are.

Please, Elaine,
are you okay?

I mean, the way
you've been running...

Oh, Alex, I know
what you're going to say.

You're worried about me
because of the way

I've been running around,
and I seem to be

going in 20 different directions
all at once, and, uh,

you think it's bad for me
and kind of dangerous.

And, uh, I think you're
blowing things way,

way out of proportion,
but okay, okay.

I promise you
that as soon as everything

slows down and I have
taken care of everything

that's hanging over my head
at this moment,

I am going to take a nice,
long, three-week bath.

And I know I talk
too much and thanks.

( phone rings )
I didn't mean to lecture.

Surprise, surprise.

It's for her nibs.

I'm sorry, guys.

Hello.

We're never going to get
this game over with.

Good hand, huh?

What do you mean?

Well, you're
a little impatient, huh?

Oh, no, it's just that
I don't think

that's the way you should
play poker, that's all.

Oh, sure, Tony.

Listen, uh, I-I'll be
just a second, okay?

Take your time.

Listen, that gallery is
a mad house. I got to go.

ALL:
Oh, man.

No, no, listen.

I'm going
to finish this hand.

Gin.

Listen, the show opens
Saturday, 7:00,

and you are all
invited-- bye.

Gin?

Boy, did she catch me
with points.

Hi, Elaine.

Oh, Fran--

uh, these are very
important buyers.

Hello there.

Oh, I am so glad
to see you guys.

Friendly faces,
you know?

How come
you're so early?

Well, we were going
to eat at Mario's first

but Alex said you
had food, so you know.

We got here fast,
before any

freeloaders
scarfed it up.

Yeah, well, uh, you can
have anything you see.

But, uh, hey, guys,
remember last time.

I mean, don't go stuffing
food in your pockets.

She should have
told me that

before I lined them
with tin foil.

Elaine, uh, who's she?

Oh, that's, uh
Fran Strickland.

She's one of
our best artists.

Hey, Elaine,
I'll show you an artist.

So how's it going?

Well, the paintings got
lost, the food came late

Jason's ant
colony broke,

there are ants
all over my house,

and the exterminator
can't come until tomorrow.

And you?

Well, uh, I'm sort of...

Ashtrays, yes.

Just the word
I was looking for.

I, uh...
I like these, uh...

Are they yours?

Yes.

I love these.

Elaine, this is
a great exhibit.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, what do you
like best?

I don't know.
What do you
call this?

Elaine!
Yeah?

We have to talk.

Uh, I'll be over there in
a second, okay, Phillip?

I-I'm taking
my paintings down.

What?

Well, I rushed them,
and it shows.

Oh, no, no, um, Phillip.

These, these paintings,
they're wonderful.

No, no,
they're not ready.

I'm sorry,
I can't let them be seen.

No, Phillip!

I mean, come on,
be reasonable.

Uh, Alex, uh, Phillip
wants his paintings down.

Do they look finished to you?

They're great.

Terrific.

I think this one
could use more brown.

That does it.

No, Phillip.

Tony, how could you
do this to me?!

Elaine, Elaine, Elaine.

Everything's okay.
It's okay.

Phillip! Oh, no.

Look, maybe it's
better this way.

Who says an art gallery

has to have paintings
all over the walls?

Alex, I think you better take me
out of here pretty fast.

Why?
MAN:
Excuse me, Elaine.

What do you want?

No, no, no. Alex, uh,
this is one of the owners.

Oh, sorry.
H-how do you do?

Hi. Elaine,
it's the champagne.

Uh, what about it?

Well, it's flat,
and several people have noticed.

Well, wha-what do you want me
to do about it?

Well, I don't know, but,
I mean, people like bubbles

in their champagne.
I know I do.

Do you see any bubbles?

You want bubbles?

( blowing bubbles )

I guess that's what I should
expect from a cabdriver.

No, you know what you can
expect from a cabdriver?

( Elaine shouting )

BOBBY:
Low bridge!

Hey! What's the matter
with that guy?

Yeah, you idiot.

Would you just relax?

Me relax? You relax.

We'll both relax, okay?

Elaine, I think you need
to see someone.

What do you mean?

I am not going
to see a psychiatrist.

Why not?
Hah, no.

You think needing help
is a sign of weakness?
Yeah.

There's nothing wrong

with needing a little
help once in a while.

Stop trying to be so tough.

Hey, I am a single parent

responsible
for two small children.

Man, I got to be tough.

Okay.

Okay.

Now, what about
your responsibility

to those two
small children?

What's gonna happen
to them? Hmm?

Now, I'm no psychiatrist,

but I can tell
a manic-depressive,

Down syndrome when I see one.

( chuckles )

Alex, I can't
see a psychiatrist.

Why not?

What about the money?

So you'll go to a clinic

where they charge you
according to what you earn.

Now, don't make money the issue.
You're scared.

Of what?

You're scared that
you're gonna find out

you're just as fragile and
needy as all the rest of us.

Alex, I don't need
a psychiatrist.

Yeah. Okay, okay, the pressure's
been getting to me.

I-I'd be stupid
not to admit that now,

but I don't need
to see a psychiatrist.

I don't know.

Maybe I need an arm
around me once in awhile.

( chuckles )

Oh... ( chuckles )

Or a pat on the head.

Or a kiss.

Alex, don't pull away
from me.

I'm not pulling away
from you, Elaine.

Now, sometimes
people get upset,

and instead of dealing
with their problems,

they try to run from them,
like with drinking and eating

and, uh, flirting with
enormously attractive men.

Alex, I don't think
you should kid around

about this.
What?

I mean, come on, you and I
have been pretty close,

and we have cared about
each other for some time now.

I mean, you can't tell me

that, uh, getting closer
has never crossed your mind.

Well, as a matter of fact,

uh, it hasn't kept me
awake nights, no.

It's never
crossed your mind?

Once.

When?

The day you were that red
and white striped dress.

It's crossed my mind once.

When?

Now.

N... Oh.

( starts engine )

( motor abruptly stops )
Oh.

Alex, um, be honest with me.

What are you afraid of?

What am I afraid of?

Elaine, Elaine, uh,
look, I-I'm just afraid

that you're doing this,
maybe unconsciously,

because you just don't
want to deal with the fact

that you might need some
help right now, that's all.

Oh, I love it
when a man tells me

I'm unconsciously
avoiding therapy.

Elaine, Elaine, Elaine.

Stop giving me a
hard time, okay?

I mean, look, uh, uh,

it's not as if part
of me doesn't want to...

uh... uh, doesn't want to...

I'm going to wait it out
till you finish that.

No, no, no. No, no.
I'm just worried
about the fact

that we have a great
friendship, a-a-and...

Oh, Alex, I'm a very busy woman.

I've got two jobs and two kids.

Yes or no?

No.

Ah...

Elaine, damn it, it-it
just wouldn't be right.

I-I wouldn't feel right.

Look, you-you've been...

you've been upset
for weeks now.

You've got to see someone.

Okay, okay.

Boy, if you feel that strongly
about it I'm going to go.

I mean, I think
it's a waste of time,

but I'm gonna go
just to prove that you're wrong.

Fine.

Fine.

Take me home.

Fine.

( starts engine )

Hey, but if you do
go to a psychiatrist

and he gives us
the permission to, um...

I'll take you home now.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Dr. Bernard Collins.

Elaine Nardo.

Nice to know you.

Nice to meet you.

What do you think?

What, uh...?
Oh, I don't know.

Oh, come on.

I know you're
an art connoisseur.

What's your opinion?

Well, uh, I hope you
don't mind my saying this,

but, uh, it stinks.

You didn't pay too much
for it, did you?

Very little.
I painted it.

Oh!

I'm sorry, I didn't...

Oh, no, you're right.

It's terrible.
Oh.

I sometimes use the painting
to test my patients' honesty.

Boy, are you honest.

Uh, uh, don't you sort
of like the eyes?

Yeah, I like the eyes.

Honest but kind.

Have a seat.

Okay.

Could you move a little closer?

I think it's a toll call
over there.

( laughs ):
Gee, uh, I'm sorry.

I just didn't think

I had to get
all the way in the room.

This is going to be so easy
for you, like an hour off.

Good.

Yeah, um, actually,
there's nothing
wrong with me.

I'm only here to prove
to a certain person
that I'm okay.

I see.

So, um, if you don't mind,
could you sign this note?

"I have examined Elaine Nardo
psychologically,

and find her in no need
of treatment whatsoever."

Nice note.

I especially like the
flower in the corner.

So would you sign it?

Now?

Well, uh, you can ask me
a few questions first,

but, uh, it's not
absolutely necessary.

Well, I do have an hour to kill.

And if you leave,

I'll have to read
this article

about what rats did at
the University of Wisconsin.

Unbelievable.

Well, uh, sure, if you don't
mind wasting your time.

Might be fun.
Yeah.

I never did anything
like this before.

So...

so, uh, go ahead,
throw a few ink blots at me.

You want to
hear my dreams?

No?

Uh, do you want me to, uh, uh,
scream or-or pound a pillow?

Admit I'm mad at
my mother or my kids?

Look, I'm sorry
to disappoint you,

but all those therapies,
they're just not for me.

What is?

Well, it's something
kind of radical.

What's it called?

Talking.

( laughs )

Look, I know this
is new for you.

J-Just try and
relax, huh?

Sit down.
Please.

And tell me
about yourself.

( chuckles )

Well, wha-what
do you want to know?

Anything--
I never met
you before.

Who are you?

Tell me a typical
Elaine Nardo day.

Well, uh, okay.

Well, you see,
I got this sort of schedule.

I'm very organized.

A sure sign
of mental health, right?

( chuckles )

Right.

So, uh, um, okay,
this is what I do.

I-I, I get up, and I get the
kids ready for school, right,

and then I drop them off
at school.

And I run my errands

or I do laundry,
and I prepare supper.

And then I go to the gallery,
and I work for four hours.

Then I pick up the kids,

and then we kind of spend
some time together.

You know, I help them
with their homework

or I give them a bath
or whatever, and I make supper.

And then when
the baby-sitter comes,

I go to the garage and take out
a cab and drive all night.

And, uh, and that's all.

Wow.

I know it sounds like a lot,

but, you know,
once you get...

How long have you
been doing this?

A little over a year.

Wow.

No, I-I-I know it
sounds a bit much,

but, uh,
it's not all work.

You see, every day I make sure
that I set aside

a certain amount of time
just to pamper myself.

I bet all of five minutes.

Oh, sometimes twice that.

Wow.

Look, you don't have
to tell me I'm busy.

See, I know I'm busy,
but, uh...

but what choice
have I got?

See, I can't give up
the gallery, because, uh,

I really love it there,

and, and I'm just starting
to grow.

And, uh, I can't give up
the garage, either,

'cause I need the money.

So, uh, I guess I'll just
have to give up the kids.

Wow.

Look, no more
"wows," okay?

Look, I don't need
anybody's help.

I'm the kind of person that
other people come to for help.

So I must be
pretty solid, right?

I mean, the kids come
to me and, and the guys.

Yeah, it gets to be
a bit much, you know, uh...

I-I mean, you don't know
what it's like,

everybody coming to you
with their problems.

And, and sometimes
I'll admit

that I, I feel like getting in
my cab, you know, and...

and just driving and driving
and driving

and, and going someplace
where nobody knows me

and, and nobody wants anything
from me, and...

'Cause I just...
I just get so tired

( voice breaking ):
of being a grownup, you know?

And I've been doing it
since I was eight years old,

'cause I had like three
little brothers, you know,

and they used to come
to me all the time.

And, you know, sometimes...

sometimes I think
I just can't go on another day.

Oh, God, the nights aren't easy.

( sobbing )

Oh, God, you must think
I'm in bad shape.

No, not really.

Good, then sign
the note.

( sobs )

Hey, Elaine.

Hi.

I haven't seen
you in a while.

Huh, ever since
you've been, uh,

going to the
psychiatrist--

what was it,
two weeks, huh?

Yeah.
How've you been
doing, huh?

Well, uh, i-i-it's, uh,
kind of hard to tell.

I've only seen him
ten times.

Oh?

But I like him.

As a matter of fact, I'm late
for an appointment right now.

Oh.

But, uh, but I've
been missing you,

and, uh, I wanted to talk.

Yeah, sure, sure.

This is kind
of hard for me.

Ha! Let me start.

Nice dress.

( chuckles ):
Thanks.

Um, Alex, uh...

Yeah?

Do you remember the conversation
we had that night in the cab?

Uh, you mean,
when you said, uh,

"Alex, be honest with me.
What are you afraid of?"

And I said, "I'm afraid
you're just doing this
maybe unconsciously

"because you don't want
to deal with the fact

that, uh, you need
help right now."

And you said, "I love it
when a man accuses me

of unconsciously
avoiding therapy."

And then I said, "Don't
give me a hard time.

It's not like part of
me doesn't want to"?

Yeah.

Vaguely.

Well, uh, I just wanted
to tell you that you were right,

that, that it was my way
of, uh, avoiding my problems,

and that, and that this wouldn't
be the right time

to get involved
in a physical relationship.

And I want to thank you
for, for realizing that.

Thanks.

Hey, listen, I'm just glad

that one of us had
the sense to stop

before we did something

that we would have
both remembered fondly

for the rest of our lives.

( laughs )

Oh, thanks again.

Ciao.
Bye.

Hi, Latka.

Oh, Elaine...

Uh, I heard

you are seeing
a podiatrist.

You know,
I am... I seeing one, too.

Oh, no, no, no, Latka.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist.

A-A podiatrist is a doctor
that takes care of your feet.

Oh, so that's...

that's why.

That's...
What?

Oh, because I told him
I was having bad dreams,

so he told me
to wear looser shoes.

Oh.

A-And you know, it worked.

Boy, this is a great country.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )