Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 2 - Honor Thy Father - full transcript

( theme music playing )

Here you go, Louie.

I got any messages?

Yeah, right here.

Oh, good.
Here's your buck.

Here you go.

Oh, boy. Terrific.

Bad news?

I got a commercial.

Uh, Bob, forgive my ignorance,

but, uh, I mean, I realize



I don't know
much about show business,

but isn't getting a job

supposed to be
the good part?

It's just a local commercial
for some suntan lotion.

Hey, Alex, this is not

what I wanted to do
with my life or my career.

I didn't get this job
because I'm a good actor.

I got it because I happen
to be a fairly great-looking guy

who even looks better
with a tan.

You sure you're not
just being humble?

You know, I'm going
to call my agent

and tell him I don't do
any more junk.

LOUIE:
Latka!

Latka!
What?



I got a message
for you here.

Oh, okay.

You know the rules.
What?

It'll cost you.

Oh, okay.

Here I go.

What the hell is this?

It's a kebel.

What's a kebel?

Well, it take 270 kebel
make a lifnitsch.

What's a lifnitsch?

Eh, 130 lifnitsch make a matta.

Okay, so what's a matta?

I don't know nothing.
What's a matta with you?

I, you know... I, you know...

I-I read it
on the bubble gum wrapper.

Shut up or you're fired.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I was just pulling your yaktabe.

That's better.

Thank you
very much.

Well, this is
the garage, Steve.

This is the dispatcher's cage.

That guy in there?

The dispatcher.

He's mean.

Come on.

Here you go, Lou.

What do you think
you're doing, B.B. Brain?

See what I mean?

I was just showing Steve
around the garage.

Steve Jensen,
Mr. Louie De Palma.

Hi.

Get lost, yokel.

God, I love New York.

Come on, I want you
to meet the others.

Hey, guys, this is Steve Jensen.

This is Elaine Nardo.
Hi.

And this is Alex Rieger.

Hi. Good to see you.

That's Bobby over there

on the phone.

Come on, you can sit in my seat.

Hey, I just picked Steve up
at the bus station

and guess what?
What?

I find out he wants
to be an actor.

BOTH:
Oh, yeah?

Yeah. So I thought
I'd introduce him to Bobby.

You know, he just got into town
today.

Uh-huh.

Some luck, huh?
Hmm?

I mean, what are the chances

of a guy coming to New York
to be an actor

and first thing
he meets a guy like me,

who knows a guy like Bobby,

who wants to be an actor too?

What are the chances
of that?

50-50?

At least.

Well, I set him straight.

You really
told him, huh?

Well, not exactly.
I had to leave a message.

The guy's never there.

Hey, Bobby,
this is Steve Jensen.

He just got into town today,
and guess what?

He wants to be an actor.

Oh-oh, yeah?

Yeah. So I told him
I'd introduce you guys.

You know, you could
give him some help, some advice.

You want some advice
on being an actor, kid?

Forget it.
That's my advice.

It's not worth it.

The only thing you get
out of acting is heartache.

It will eat you up,
it will spit you out.

It's a dog's life, man.

It stinks.

Does that help at all?

Uh, Steve,
Steve...

you have to forgive Bobby.

He's really not in love
with acting right now.

He just got cast
in a television commercial.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You're a professional, then.

Oh, yeah, and this part
is really challenging too.

I play the only guy
at a party without a tan.

Who cares? I mean,
the point is you're working.

Yeah, I... I suppose.

Look, you still want to learn
about being an actor?

Yeah.

Fool.

Follow me.

Hey, we're going to split.
See you later, okay?

Thanks.Have a good time.
Okay. See you, Steve.

Come on, I'll introduce you
to my agent

and then you can introduce me
to my agent.

Hello, Louie?

What?

I hate to bother you,
but your handwriting is bad.

I can't... read it.

So what is this word?

Is it "brafla" or "bratla"?

What's the difference?

If it's "brafla,"
I have to kill a man.

I think it's "bratla."

Oh, good, good.

Now I won't need
the rest of the day off.

Hey, Tony, is the side
of your face swollen?

Oh, could be.
I had a little accident.

What happened?

I leaned out of the cab

to tell this guy he was an idiot

and I forgot
to roll the window down.

Hey, anybody seen
Steve yet today?

No. I thought
he was at your place

till he got
his own apartment.

Yeah, he is, only he left

before I got off of work
this morning.

I introduced him to my agent

and I was just wondering
how it was going.

Oh, that first day
must really be rough, huh?

You're telling me.

When those agents and producers

start slamming doors
in your face,

a few hours could seem
like a lifetime.

I told him I'd take him out
for a drink and talk to him.

I figure he might need it,
you know?

Well, uh... I guess I got to go.

ALEX:
Hey, Bob.

Yeah?

That commercial...
Yeah?

Have fun.

Thanks. I'll try.

See ya.

Bobby?
Yeah?

You're doing
a commercial today?

I want you to have this.

Aw.

What is it?

It's goat droppings.

Oh, hey, well, thanks, Latka.

Thanks a lot.

Is this good luck charm
in your country?

No.

Then, uh, why are you
giving it to me?

I don't want it.

Hey, you know, the way
Bob's taking care of Steve,

you got to hand it to him.

I know.

Hey, Bobby's
a great guy, man.

Before you name a church
after him,

might I point out
one little detail.

What's that?

Wheeler's garbage
and you all know it.

Hey, Louie, Louie,
why do you dislike Bob so much?

He doesn't respect
my leadership.

What are you talking about?

He's like
everyone else here.

He fears you.

He pays you bribes.

He hates you.

Don't stick up for him.

You believe this?

Hey, Steve, Bobby's
looking for you.

Hey...

you okay?

I think so.

ELAINE:
Hey, are you sure?

I'm okay.

ALEX:
You want to talk
about it?

There's not much to say, really.

I got a job.

No kidding?

Bobby's agent sent me
on this audition.

I got it!

We open off Broadway
in eight weeks!

Congratulations!

Yeah, from me, too.

What's the part?

I'm playing Romeo.

Romeo?!

In what?

In Romeo and Juliet.

Hey, I heard of that.

You must be
some fantastic actor.

I mean,
Bobby's been trying

for a break
like this for years.

Oh, God.

You know, he's right.

Bobby could be
shattered by this.

I never thought
about that.

Yeah.

So who gets to break
the bad news to him?

I'll tell him.

No, that's all right.

We'll tell him.

Why do you get to?

Listen, this is going to be
very painful for you guys.

It won't bother me.

In fact,
I might even find some way

to get a little enjoyment
out of it.

Louie, why would
anyone go out of
his way

to deliver awful,
depressing news

to another
human being?

Kicks.

Oh, I see.

Come on, you guys.

You don't know how much
this means to me.

It's a dream come true.

Excuse me for saying so,

but I think I deserve
a break like this.

Louie, you know, you're
making a fool of yourself.

I know,
and I don't care.

This is a once
in a lifetime shot.

All I'm asking
is one lousy little favor.

Let me break the bad news
to Wheeler.

I'll do it... I'll do it
in four words.

ALEX:
Now look, Louie...

I'll do it
in three words.

Make it one word.

Is "super-loser"
one word?

Louie, stop!

Now, we're going to
do it in our own way.

You got it?

Okay, okay.

You got me.

All right.

All right.
You deny me the pleasure

of telling him to his face.

Right.

But I can still
call him.

Hey, stop that man! Stop him!

No!

No time for love.

Stop that man!

( Elaine screaming )

Louie! Louie!

Louie!

Get away from him!

All right, I give...

I give up!

I give up!
I give up.

You promise
not to call him?

I won't call him.

He's losing his pants.

Don't you wish.

( jeering )

All right, all right.
Louie!

All right!
I'm not going to ca...

I won't call him.

Trust my word.

Okay.

Hi. I'd like to send
a singing telegram.

Louie!

Hey, here
comes Bobby!

Look easy now.

ELAINE:
Everybody act
happy for him.

( Bobby humming )

ALL:
Surprise!

Hey, this is great!

Hey!

You guys
are really something else.

We just thought,
you know, we'd help you

celebrate
the commercial.

Oh, thanks.

What's the matter
with your face?

Uh, Tony, please.

Well, look at his face.

Hey, I bet you
were in on this too, huh?

And after
the kind of day

you must have had.

Ah, hey, this is
really great, you guys.

I don't know what to say.

What's the matter
with your face?

Tony! Tony...

No! No, no.

Can you believe
they wanted me

to do the commercial
like this?

I can't believe it.

Oh, boy!

But you know something?

It was really
okay, you know?

I mean, I mean,
you know, there are times,

when even on
a crummy commercial,

there are times when an actor
uses those tools that he has

and they all start working
for him,

and it all comes together,

and it's just...

They couldn't pay me enough

to screw up my face
like that.

Tony, please.

Bobby, why don't you just wash
that side of your face?

I did, I did.

This stuff is going
to be here for a while.

I mean, it really works.

I guess I'm gonna
have to tell everybody

that my father's side
of the family

comes from Florida.

( laughing )

Yeah, right!

Hey, so, how did it go?

Hey! I'd like
to propose a toast.

Uh, to Bob--
a really fine actor.

A fine, understanding,
easy-going, level-headed,

roll-with-the-punches
kind of guy.

Cheers.

So, uh, how was
your first day out, huh?

ELAINE:
Bobby! What would
you like to drink?

We got beer, we got water...

Oh, I think beer.

Beer will be fine.
Beer.

Hey, listen...

I know that a party
on a day like this

must be really rough.

Hey, don't worry about me.

I'm fine.

Hey, that's
the way to be.

Believe me.

Actually, I didn't have
a bad day.

BOBBY:
Oh, yeah? Great!

STEVE:
As a matter of fact

I had kind of a good day.

Super, super.

I'm playing Romeo
off Broadway.

We open in two months.

Good!

I mean, what am I
talking about, good?

That's great!

That's fantastic!

Hey, guys,
did you hear this?!

Did you hear that?!

Yeah, well, you know,
if you like revivals.

Yeah, yeah, that's
nice, that's nice.

Nice?!

Yeah.

Nice?! Alex, it's off Broadway!

It's unbelievable.

Oh! Your first
day out, kid,

and you made it.

You made it.

You made it! You made it!
You made it!

Hi, guys.

Hi, Bob.

Hello, Bob.

Hey, Louie,
you got a cab for me?

( laughs )

What the hell
are you laughing at?

Oh, he's laughing at my face.

Pretty funny, huh?

I haven't even gotten
to your face yet.

Aw, come on.

Don't let him
get to you, Bobby.

TONY:
Bobby, I got it.

If you put some tanning stuff
on this side of your face

it wouldn't look so bad.
Look, Tony, please.

Hey, what difference does it
make what my face looks like?

I'm a cabbie.

I mean, if I was an actor or
something, then I'd be worried.

Hey, wait a minute.

What are you
talking about?

I'm not an actor anymore.

Anymore?

( laughs )

Since when?

Oh, since I decided
it was stupid.

Oh, no offense, Steve,
you know.

See, I realized
last night

that making it
as an actor

is nothing
but a bunch of luck,

so I'm dedicating myself

to be the best
cab driver I can be.

( laughs )

I feel guilty.

I should be paying for this.

So, I called up my agent
this morning,

told him the same thing
I just told you,

and as soon
as he reads the message

it'll all be official.

I feel like a new man.

Um... I'll be waiting
right over here

for my cab when it's
ready, Mr. De Palma.

And it doesn't have to be
anything nice.

Just whatever you got
lying around.

Oh, gee, I wanted to give you
a nice one.

Um, I know this is probably

the wrong time
to say this,

but I'm sorry, Bobby.

Hey, don't be.

You did me a favor.

And good luck,
'cause you're going to need it.

Hey, Alex, could you help me
with some more lines?

I got to get them down
before this afternoon.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, on second
thought, Steve,

why don't you ask Bobby

if he'd run over
the lines with you?

You think he will?

I don't know. Ask him.

Maybe he'll help you

with those lines
in the first scene--

you know the one
I'm talking about?

I get it.

Hey, Bobby,
could you help me for a minute?

I got to recite some things.

Oh, yeah, sure,
I guess so.

But, listen, as soon
as my cab is ready

I'm going
to have to go.

Oh, that's terrific.

Here, Steve.

Here, it's the scene
between Romeo and Paris

in the last act--
the fight scene.

Oh, yeah, I think
I remember this.

We'll say this
is Juliet's tomb.

Excuse me.

That's all right.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah, sure.

I'll start.

Thou detestable maw,
thou womb of death,

gorged with the dearest morsel
of the Earth,

thus I enforce
thy rotten jaws to open

and in despite
I'll cram thee with more food.

( mumbling ):
"This is that banished
haughty Montague

"that murdered my love's cousin

with which grief
it is supposed..."

Bobby, I appreciate your help,

but could you
give me a little more?

Actors.

This is that banished
haughty Montague

that murdered my love's cousin,

with which grief it is supposed
the fair creature died

and here is come

to do some villainous shame
to the dead bodies.

I will apprehend him.

Stop thy unhallowed
toil, vile Montague!

Can vengeance be pursued
further than death?

Condemned villain,
I do apprehend thee.

Obey and go with me,

for thou must die.

I must indeed,
and therefore came I hither.

Good gentle youth,
tempt not a desperate man.

Fly hence, leave me.

Think upon these gone!

Let them affright thee!

I beseech thee, youth,

put not another sin
upon my head

by urging me to fury!

O, be gone.

By heaven,
I love thee

better than myself

for I come hither
armed against myself!

Stay not, be gone!

Live, and hereafter say

a madman's mercy
bade thee run away!

I do defy thy
conjurations

and apprehend thee
for a felon here.

Wilt thou provoke me?

Then have at thee, boy.

( groans )

Oh...

Oh...

I am... s-s-slain.

If... if thou be merciful

open the tomb,
lay me with Juliet.

( cheering )

Thank you very much.

ALEX:
Hey, Bob.

Bobby! Hey, Bob!

Hey, you know something, kid?

You're great.

You can't give up acting.

Bobby, that was so...

you know...

Yeah, I was brilliant,
wasn't I?

Bob... wow.

Thanks, Alex, but you see,
if I can be this good

and still not get
a decent job,

then it just proves

that acting is
nothing but luck

and I am glad I'm quitting.

( Louie laughing )

Ho, this day just
keeps getting better

by the minute.

Worked like a charm,
didn't it, Rieger?

I got a better idea.

Let Bobby do the scene

and he'll act it and say,
"Why, I can't quit."

I wish I had this on film!

Thank you, Lord!

Thank you.

Hey, Louie.

Louie, uh, can I talk to you
for a minute, please?

Yeah, but I
can't promise

to keep
a straight face.

Okay.

You know something, Lou?

It's-it's really great

to have a sense
of humor, you know.

But I'm afraid
the joke is over.

And nobody knows
better than me...

nobody knows
better than me,

how hard it is
to go after a dream

that keeps
slipping away.

You know, sometimes
my career

just seems like
it's one obstacle

after another.

It's nothing but a lot
of heartbreaks, Louie.

You know,
when I came in here today,

I got to admit to you,
I was beaten.

But I decided not to quit.

I found something, Louie.

I found something that's going
to get me through all of that.

I've seen... I've seen a light,
and it's far away

but it's strong,
and it's steady,

and it's going to get me
through this,

and I'm going to follow
that light

till the day I die, Lou.

And you want to know

what that light
is, Louie?

What?

That light is you, Lou.

You're my inspiration,

and I'm going to keep digging
and scratching and clawing

as long as I know
there's a chance

that I might succeed,

and maybe, maybe one day,
maybe one day,

I might be able
to come back here in this garage

and stuff every laugh
you've ever had at my expense

right down your throat.

Thank you, Louie.

You're welcome.

Now I have to go call my agent.

Well, Louie,

the Lord giveth,
and the Lord taketh away.

( chuckles softly )

You guys like the
candy in this machine?

Yeah, why?

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )