Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 22 - Substitute Father - full transcript

( theme music playing )

Hey, Lou, you'll never believe
what happened to me.

What's that?

I pick up this fare
at the airport, right?

Some foreign guy.
So he tells me,

"Take me to the Plaza Hotel,"
which I do.

When I get there,
there's $17 on the meter.

The guy takes out
a hundred-dollar bill

and asks me, "Is this enough?"

Ooh, my Lord... whoo!

Ooh, you lucky slob.



Cabbie heaven!

Oh, you know,
I drove a cab 15 years,

waiting for something
like that to happen.

It was
really wild.

Ooh, a hundred dollars.

Ooh, you must be
living right, Banta.

What'd you do with the money?

I gave him $83 change.

Hey, Louie! Oy!

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I think I need
a cold drink.

What happened
to him?

Oh, Alex, I'm so
glad I caught you.



Listen, I have a big
favor to ask you.

I just found out that my aunt
up in Buffalo is sick,

so I'm gonna go up there to
spend a couple days with her.

I'm taking Jennifer with me,

but my problem is Jason.

See, he's got this big
spelling bee competition

and the district finals
are this Saturday.

I'd hate to have him miss it
after he's come this far.

So, do you think it
would be all right

if he stayed with you
a couple of days?

Oh, please don't
feel pressured
into saying yes,

but please say yes.

What was that, Elaine?
I-I wasn't listening.

Oh, ah, yeah, sure, sure.

Yeah, yeah, I'd be
glad to. Why not?

Oh, Alex, you're a doll!

Oh, thanks so much.

Oh, he-he's just in the car.
I'll go get him. Thanks.

You don't have to thank me--
it'd be fun.

I don't want to do this.

What am I talking about?

I can't do this.

Thursday I'm supposed to
have dinner with my sister.

Friday I've got this
really great date.

Hey, Bobby, can
you help me out?

Sure, I'll take your date out.

What's she look like?

Bob-Bobby, come on, will you?

Aah, Alex, I don't know anything
about taking care of kids.

Oh, all right.

I'll help you out Thursday,

but Friday I got
an acting class, all right?

Great, great.
Okay.

Hey, Tony, can you
help me out Friday?

I guess I could, uh...

Oh, but Friday afternoon

I promised this guy I'd
spar with him at the gym.

Oh, shoot.

Hey, Alex, aren't you
going to ask me?

Oh, sure, John. Can you
help me out Friday afternoon?

No, I have a class.

I just wanted to be
asked, that's all.

Hey, maybe I could
take him Friday morning

if Tony could switch
his sparring.

Great. Maybe I could switch
my date to Friday afternoon

if you could switch
your sparring...

Oh, how did I get
myself into this here?

Hey, this must be Jason!

How are you, Jason?

Jason, this is
Alex Rieger,
Hi.

Bobby Wheeler,
Kid, how are you doing?

John Burns....

Hi.

...and Tony Banta.

Hi.

Alex, I really
have to run.

Are you sure you
can handle this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. the guys
said they'd volunteer.

Hey, listen, you just,
uh, you just go ahead

and, uh, make sure
your aunt gets well.

Quick.

Aw, thanks, guys.

You're really
the greatest.

( kissing loudly ):
Ooh! Mmm...

I'm gonna miss you.

Good luck on the
spelling bee Saturday.

Okay, you be
a good boy now.

Oh, I love you.

Bye-bye.
Thanks, guys.

Bye, Elaine.
Take care.
Yeah, Take it easy.

( chuckling
nervously )

Well, I'll see
you guys later.
I got to go.

Yeah, I got to run.
Nice meeting you, Jason.

Gee, 10:00 already.

Hey, Bob-Bobby,
listen, uh,

I got to get something
from my locker.

Would you just stay here
just a few minutes

and talk to Jason, please?

What-what am I going
to say to him?

I don't know. You'll think
of something to say.

Just for a few minutes.
I'll be right back.

Hey, listen, Jason, we'll go get
some breakfast, okay? Thanks.

( exhales )

So you're a kid, huh?

I try.

Mom told me
you're an actor.

Uh... yeah, yeah, yeah.

She says you're great.

Oh, yeah?

Can I ask you something?

Oh, sure.
Here, come on.

I'll put you up here.

( grunting )

Okay, shoot.

You know, I'm really
scared about

this spelling bee Saturday.

How do you keep
from getting nervous

when you have to stand up
in front of all those people?

Everybody gets nervous
in front of an audience.

Okay, Jason, let's go
grab a bite, okay?

Hey, that's okay, Alex.
You've got things to do.

I'll take Jason
out to breakfast.

Yeah? That's
nice of you, Bob.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Yeah. I'll bring him
over to your house

when we're through,
all right?

Okay.All right.

Bye.
Take care
of his books.

Bye.
What do you want
to eat, kid?

Food.
Mmm...

Hey, Alex.
Yeah?

Kid gone yet?

Yeah. Bobby just
took him out.

Wh-Wh-What's wrong
with you?

I don't know,
I guess I just panicked.

I don't know what to do
around a kid.

Do what you do
when you were a kid.

You want me to punch him?

Let's go get some
breakfast, okay?

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, I hear you.

You say one of our drivers
was rude to you.

What was it he said exactly?

I see.

And how fat are you?

Come on!

I'll get you.

Come here!

Oh, man, you were
great today, man.

Hey, Louie, you should
have seen him.

Two boxing lessons

and he can already
beat my brains out.

What took him so long?

Would you hold on
a minute, please?

Burns is looking for
you guys. He's upstairs.

Oh, man, he must be mad
'cause we're late.

I'm gonna go get him.

Okay, thanks again
for today, Tony.

That's all right.

Listen...

Yeah, don't you worry, really.

I'm gonna give that driver
a severe reprimand.

We here at the Sunshine Cab
Company expect all our cabbies

to be kind and courteous
to every passenger

especially you blimpos.

Don't mention it.

That was a complaint.

That's one of the
most difficult things

about being
a dispatcher--

handling these delicate
situations with tact.

You know something, it's funny.

I don't dislike you
as much as I do most kids.

Thank you.

I guess that's 'cause we've
got something in common.

I was raised
by my mother, too.

Tell me something,
do... do you smoke?

You drink?

Use foul language?

Yeah, it's really tough
without a father to teach you.

Hey, John.

Huh?

I'm sorry
we were so late,

but I was having such fun
that I forgot all about time.

Oh, that's okay,
we have half an hour

before the movie starts.

Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna see?

Death on the Nile.

Hey, I saw it last week.
I sat through it three times.

It was that good, huh?

Nah, I just couldn't remember
where I came in.

Hey, I figured
we'd go to the movies.

How do you like that?

Yeah, sure.

The only thing is, I really
haven't finished studying

for my spelling bee yet.

Oh. Well, that's okay.

We don't have to
go to the movies.

Hey, what are you
worried about?

I can tell you
how it ends anyway.

Or was that the middle?

Anyhow, I guess I'd
better call Suzanne.

She was gonna
meet us afterwards.

Please, let's go to the movie.

I got plenty of time
to study.

I'm almost through
the whole dictionary.

I'm already up
to the S's.

Okay! We'll see you, Tony.

ALEX:
Hey, you two
off somewhere?

Yeah, we're going
to the movies.

Make sure
it's a "G" rating.

Hey, look, John, will you
get him back by 6:00?

I've got tickets
to the Knicks game tonight.

All right!
Yeah, we'll
be back.

Okay, I'll
see you guys.

Yeah, bye.

Bye, Mr. De Palma.

LOUIE:
Oh.

Cute kid,
isn't he?

Yeah.
Hey, incidentally,

did you check with Harris
on the day shift to see if

he could take care of
the kid tomorrow night?

Yeah, I talked to him.
He's busy.

There's no way I can
get back on time.

I'd love to, but I've got to go
to acting class tomorrow night.

I'm doing a scene.

So who we gonna get
to take care of Jason?

( clearing throat )

Gee, I... I...
I don't know.

I mean, that's
a real problem.

There's got to be somebody
around here that can do it.

Yeah, somebody.

( coughing
loudly )

I mean, it
would only be

for a couple
of hours.

There must
be somebody

who could
help us out.

Uh... let's see...
look around...

Who's here?

( hacking loudly )

TONY:
I can't think
of a soul.

Nobody I can
think of.

Me either.

Hmm...

( hacking loudly )

( clearing throat loudly )

I got it.
What?

Why don't
we ask Louie?

Nah, I don't
want Jason to
catch his cold.

Yeah.

JASON:
Alex, you home?

Yeah, I'm in here.
I'm just changing.

Louie and his mother took me
to the wrestling matches.

Great fight.Hey.

Hey, Louie, I didn't
know you smoked cigars.

I don't as a rule, but Ma
couldn't finish it, so...

So are you guys going
someplace else?

Yeah, well, I thought we might
go out and get some ice cream.

What do you say?

Whoo.Gee, I don't know.

I really should
do some studying

for the spelling
bee tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Hey, listen, we've been
keeping you so busy,

you haven't had
a chance to study.

You sure you're going to be
all right for tomorrow?

Yeah, sure. I just need one good
night's work and I'll be fine.

Well, I got to go.
Ma's in the car.

She didn't feel like coming in.

She's really self-conscious.

She spilled beer
all over her dress.

( car horn honks )

That's her.

I got to go.

Hey, thanks again
for tonight, Louie.

( grunting ):
I give, I give!

( horn honking )

I got to get going.

I don't like to keep
my mother waiting.

( honk honking )

Keep your pants on, crazy lady!

See you.

Well, look, kid, I'll
get out of your way.

Are you sure
you're not too tired

from all this
running around, huh?

Not at all; the running around
has been fun.

Now I feel like getting to work.

Okay.

Go get 'em, champ.

Right.

( snoring )

Oh, Jason, uh...
you feel ready?

You want to go over
a few more words

just to make sure?

Um, spell, um...

"Encyclopedia."

E-n-c-y-c-l-o-p-e-d-i-a.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Good, good.
You're ready.

( chuckles )

Hey, look
who's here.

Hey!
Hi!

Hey, Alex.
Excuse me.

You mean everybody
came to watch me?

Looks that way.

Surprise!
We're all here!

And Suzanne sends
her luck, too.

JASON:
This is super!

Hey, Louie! You
came here for this?

Why shouldn't I come?

I happen to love
spelling bees.

Look who's here.

How about this?

You got nothing
to worry about.

I can tell just by looking
at the rest of them,

they're all losers.

Okay, pal.

ANNOUNCER:
May I have your attention,
please?

Would the contestants please
take their places onstage?

You show them
how to spell, man.

All right!

Guys, sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

welcome to the district finals

of the National
Spelling Bee Contest.

Now, without any further delay,

let me introduce
the contestants.

Our first finalist,
from PS 25 in the Bronx,

is Miss Christa Fowler.

( applause )

Uh, that's my daughter.

Hmm...

Well, she's a loser.

Hey.

Our second finalist,
from PS 33 in New York,

Master Jason Nardo.

( applause and wild cheering )

( whistling )

( cheering )

20 bucks says
my kid beats your kid.

I beg your pardon?

What's the matter?

A little wager
on the side.

What do you say?

I do not bet
on my child.

That's 'cause you
know she's a loser.

Hey, Louie, will
you get over here?

How about you? You want
to put a little money on it?

Louie! Look,
sit down.

And our fifth finalist,
from PS 55 in Queens,

is Marilou Hartman.

( applause )

That concludes
our introductions,

so if the judges are ready,
let the contest begin.

Please step to the microphone,
our first contestant.

The word is "coagulate."

"Coagulate."

C-o-a-g-u-l-a-t-e.

Correct.

Contestant number two.

( applause )

Okay, here we go.

The first round
is always the
toughest.

You ought
to know, Banta.

It's the only one
you ever fight in.

The word is "phosphorous."

"Phosphorous."

P-h-o-s-p-h-o-r-o-u-s.

Correct.

( raucous cheering )

Jason! Jason! Jason!

( weak chuckle )

You'll have
to excuse us.

We're a little
excited.

Yeah... we're
his father.

Marilou, the word
is "hypochondriac."

"Hypochondriac."

H-y-p-e-r-c-h-o-n-d-r-i-a-c.

I'm sorry,
that's incorrect.

Audience:
Oh...

Hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we're now down

to our final
two contestants.

Now, should either of them
now miss a word,

the other one will have
to spell it correctly

before he or she can be
declared the winner.

Christa...

the word is "onomatopoeia."

"Onomatopoeia."

O-n-o-m-a-t-o-p-o-e-i-a.

Correct!

( applause )

Lucky guess.

Louie, give her
credit; she's good.

I know...

I hate her.

Jason, the word is
"chlorophyll."

Ooh!

Is that with
one "l" or two "l's"?

Probably.

"Chlorophyll."

C-h-l-o-r-o-p-h-y-l...

...-l.

Correct.

( applause )

That was close.

ANNOUNCER:
Christa...

The word is "sesquipedalian."

Why does she get
all the easy ones?

"Sesquipedalian."

S-e-s-q-u-i-p-e-d-a-l-i-a-n.

Correct!

Jason...

The word
is "vermeil."

"Vermeil."

V-e-r-m...

i-e-l.

That is incorrect.

What?

( audience murmuring )

ANNOUNCER:
Christa, you must now spell
the word correctly

if you wish to be...

"Vermeil."

V-e-r-m-e-i-l.

Correct! You are our
new district champion!

( applause )

Fix! Fix!

Louie! Louie!

Come on! Come on!

( grumbling )

Hey, you did
your best.

That's the main thing,
man. Come on.

Hey, let me tell you.

Coming in second
ain't the worst
thing in the world.

Right. Tony does it
all the time.

Hey, Jason, you shouldn't
feel bad about losing.

It wasn't your fault.

No? Whose fault was it?

Ours.

I mean, how could he study?

He was so exhausted
from all the boxing

and the movies
and the wrestling.

If anybody should feel bad
right now, it ought to be us.

Hi, guys!

And her.

Hey, Elaine!

Hey, Elaine,
how you doing?

Hi, Elaine.

( loud kiss )

Hey, how's
your aunt?

She's much better. Thanks.

Ooh, how's my boy?

How did you do
in the spelling bee?

Not so well, Mom. I lost.

Aw... well.

I think you should know,
Elaine,

it wasn't his fault,
it was our fault.

BOBBY:
Yeah, that's right.

We were having such
a good time with him

that he never had
a chance to study.

It was our fault, really.

That's nice of
you guys to say,

but I'm the one
who blew it.

Studying was supposed
to be my responsibility,

not anybody else's.

It was nobody's
fault but mine.

You know something?

If I had to choose
between your winning

or losing and saying
what you just said...

I'd still take winning,
but this was close.

( all laughing )

Come on, your sister's
in the car. Let's go home.

Bye, J.

Hey, go get
'em, Jason.

You did good,
Jason.

You come back
and visit us,
all right?

You'll get it...

JASON:
Good-bye, Mr. De Palma.

See you, Jason.

Mm, thanks from me, too, guys.

You're the greatest.

No, we're not... but I'll
tell you one thing, Elaine.

That is some kid
you got there, you know?

I know. Bye-bye. Thanks.

See you.
Later, Elaine.

Okay, I got something I was
saving for a real occasion.

I'm going to share it
with you guys.

This is an occasion?

Whenever Louie shares anything,
it's an occasion.

I'll bet you've never tasted
stuff like this before.

What's that?

12-year-old Scotch.

You know, I never thought much
about having kids before,

but if I was gonna have one,

I think that'd be
the kid I want.

Yeah, Suzanne and I
have talked about kids,

but we decided to wait
until we find out how.

I mean, how to raise them.

I mean, gee, you see
how good Elaine did, you know.

It makes you think
that you could, too.

It's kind of funny, you know,

getting tied down
with a wife and kids.

I must have spent half my life
trying to avoid that, but, uh...

now I'm starting to wonder
what I'm missing.

What have you got
to worry about?

You're young.

You still got a chance.

I'm never gonna have a son.

Me...

Louie De Palma.

And I'd have made
a great old man, too.

What are you talking about,
Louie?

You could still have a kid.

Nah!

First you got to find a woman.

You got to fall in love...

get married...

talk to her. Hmm.

It ain't worth it.

You know, you guys are just
looking at the good stuff.

What about all the money
it takes to raise a kid?

Not to mention the heartache
and the worry that goes into it.

You worry from the day they're
born and it never stops.

Are they eating enough?
Are they eating too much?

Are their teeth
coming in straight?

You worry when they're sick.

You worry when they don't
come home from school on time.

You worry about their grades.

You worry about
whether they're...

they're running around
with the right kids.

You worry if they're gonna meet
the right girl, about a job...

I mean it never ends.

So what's it all for?

I mean, what's the best
you get out of it?

Maybe a hug and a kiss
every now and then

because the kid
feels like he has to.

All in all...

it's not a bad deal.

* Climb upon my knee,
sonny boy... *

* You're
only three... *

What's my name?

* Sonny boy.

What's there no way of?

* There's no way
of knowing... *

What else is there
no way of?

* There's no way
of showing... *

What means who to who?

* Oh, what you
mean to me... *

What's my name again?

* Sonny boy.

* Oh, when there
are gray skies... *

Oh, I hate the gray skies,
don't you?

* I don't mind
the gray skies... *

How do you
explain that?

* You make
them blue... *

Would you
believe it?

I forgot
my name again.

* Sonny boy.

That's it.

* Friends may
forsake me... *

It wouldn't
surprise me a bit.

* Let them all
forsake me... *

That's a rather
cavalier attitude.

ALL:
* I still have you, Sonny boy.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters grunts )