Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 21 - Hollywood Calling - full transcript

Hi, Louie.

I'm back.

Back from what?

I took a week off

to study for my finals.

You didn't even notice
I wasn't here?

I don't even notice you now.

Thanks.
It's nice to be back.

Hi, everybody.

I'm back from
my finals.

What finals?



Do I have the right garage?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Your finals, right.
Oh, yeah!

Sorry, John, we've just had
other things on our minds.

Yeah. These guys from Hollywood
are coming here today.

They're going to make
this big movie on cab drivers.

They're going to do research
right here in the garage.

Wow!
Who's coming?

Well, you know Roger Chapman,
that big director?

Yeah.
He's coming, and Michael
Patrese, the star.

He's starred in that flick.
He's coming, too.

Michael Patrese,
now he's a good
actor, isn't he?

Yeah. He's got a lot
of potential.

You know, if he really applies
himself and concentrates,



one day he could be as big
as Brando, Pacino...

me, you know.

Bob, maybe there's a part
in this movie for you.

Gee, why didn't
I think of that?

( mutters )

Hi.

Hi, Alex.

ALEX:
Hey, John!

How did your
finals go?

What finals?

Isn't it incredible?

Some movie people
from Hollywood

are coming
to the garage.

Oh, is that today?

Alex, aren't you excited?

Sure. So, how did
your finals go?

What was it? Multiple choice?
Essays? What was it?

Essay. Excuse me, Alex.

How come you're more interested
in my life than I am?

ELAINE:
Yeah.
Huh?

JEFF:
Hey, somebody

just pulled up in a limousine.

( excited shouting )

This is ridiculous.

We look like a
bunch of groupies.

Don't hang around
the door. Come on.

Well, what do you want
us to do, Bobby?

I don't know.
Do what you normally do.

Act natural, act...
Play cards or something.

Make believe...
Oh, come on, come on...

Yeah.

See what I mean?

This is why
we came to New York.

You can't stage
this kind of reality.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for
a Mr. Louie De Palma.

That's me.

Hi. I'm Roger Chapman.

I spoke to your boss,
Mr. McKenzie.

Right, right.
How are you, sir?

Listen, if there's
anything I can do to
make your visit here

more pleasant
or productive,
just say the word.

Okay. Boy, this place
is thick with atmosphere.

Yeah, well, sometimes
the ventilation's bad.

Where do you
want to start?

Well, I'd like to say
a few words to the drivers.

Oh. I think it would be good
if I talked to them first.

Uh-huh.

See, I used to be
a driver,

and I have a special
rapport with them.

Okay.
All right?

Okay, clowns,
listen up here.

And shut your mouths.

This man has
something to
say to you.

Was that... satisfactory?

You bet. Thank you.

Gather in here.

All right.

My name is Roger Chapman.

Hi. Yeah, we know.

This is my assistant, Lea,
and my aide, Richard.

Hey, Richard.
Now, I just want

to kind of let you people know
where I'm coming from.

We're gonna make a movie
about cab drivers,

and the reason
we're here is we
want reality.

Not Hollywood reality.

We want real reality.

So, we want to...

we want to... live
with you guys.

We want to eat with you
and talk with you

and-and get inside your heads.

You know, why don't you forget
we're from Hollywood,

and forget we're
even making a movie.

We're just some people

who-who would like to find out
what it's like to drive a cab.

Now, anybody
have any questions?

Okay, you.

How'd they part the Red Sea
in The Ten Commandments?

Uh, he-he's only
clowning around.

What's wrong with you?

Hey, listen, have you
all had breakfast?

No.
No.

'Cause I was
just thinking

of ordering something
for all of us.

What do you guys want?

No.
Oh...

No, come on.
Hey, every morning we are here,

I'm going to bring in
whatever you guys ask for.

So, what will it be?

Well, I'll have some coffee.

Yeah, and some doughnuts.

You can have anything.
Anything at all.

Jelly doughnuts?

Gotcha.

Oh!

RICHARD:
Hey, Michael!

ROGER:
Michael, Michael,
you're here.

How you doing?
Sorry I'm late.

( indistinct voices )

That's all right.
I just got here myself.

Everybody...

this is
Michael Patrese.

Hi.
Hi.

Hey, Tony Banta.

How you doing?

Hey. Hey, uh, Bobby here
wants to be an actor, too.

Oh, Tony...
Come on! You know you
want to be an actor.

Aw, Tony!
Come on!

Michael Patrese.

Hi. Can you get me a part
in the picture?

I think we'd better
get started right away.

Uh, let me tell you
what we have so far.

We have a script...

but it's not
a particularly good one.

It just doesn't have
any, um...

guts.

It's the story of a...

it's the story
of a cabby named Joe.

He's a good driver.

He's been at it
for some time, and...

And that's all we have.

The rest of it's going to have
to come from you people.

We want to hear
all of your stories,

and maybe one of your stories
is Joe's story.

BOBBY:
Hey, you know,

the guy you really
ought to talk to

is Alex Rieger.

He's got the best stories.

Okay, which one
of you is Alex?

Uh...
He's over
there.

Okay. Thank you.

Alex?

Hi. Roger Chapman.

Hi. Alex Rieger.

Great. Listen, can we talk
for a few moments?

Uh, listen, I, uh...

I mean, I don't know you.

You're probably a very
decent guy, but...

You're right.
You don't know me.

( chuckles )

( forced chuckles )

This is some kind
of joke, right?

Yeah. Little one.

Listen, I, uh...

I'm, uh...

I just wish you, uh...

you wouldn't count
me into this, huh?

Hey, hey, Alex, all he wants to
do is ask you a few questions.

Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I
just don't feel

like answering any questions.

Look, I'm a cabby.
You want me

to take you someplace,
I'll take you someplace.

There's a reason you call
your private life private,

and if I was to talk about it
with somebody I don't know,

well, it just wouldn't be
private anymore.

So, uh... I'm sorry.
Excuse me, will you?

I'll see you all
tomorrow.

That's our Joe.

Well, uh, thanks
for breakfast.

Oh, my pleasure.
Listen, I hope

you don't mind
my picking your brain that way.

Some of those stories
were just great.

Thanks. Some of them
even happened.

You know what?
Has anyone ever told you

you... look a little
like a young Lana Turner?

No.

'Cause you don't.

But you know what?

You're very pretty.

Thanks.

And I had a wonderful,
wonderful morning.

This guy's got the
fastest left hook
you've ever seen.

That's right, yeah.

Tony, you're a boxer,
aren't you?

Yeah. We were just
talking about

next week's title fight,
next Thursday night.

You got tickets?

Yeah. Sure.

Lea?

Get Tony a seat
for that fight Thursday night.

Okay.
Ringside.

Gee, thanks! Bobby, I'm
going to go to the fight.

That's great!
Oh... you need
two tickets.

You've got a girlfriend.

Well, not right now.

Well, Lea here is kind of
a boxing fan, you know.

Would you mind
taking her?

I guess I could.

Oh, he doesn't have to.

No, that's the kind of guy I am.

Okay.

I'll go make the arrangements.

You lucky stiff.

Well...

I'm going to sit
in the first row of the fight,

and I'm not even going
to have to get

knocked out of the ring
to get there.

Hope it's
a good one, Tony.

Thanks. Oh!

MAN:
Excuse me,
Mr. Chapman?

Yeah.
Food's here.

Food.

I had the
eggs Benedict.

JOHN:
Mr. Chapman?

Yeah?

Excuse me,
Mr. Chapman?

Listen, I think
I might have

a very interesting
thing for you.

Well, go ahead,
John, shoot.

Okay, well, about
four months ago,

this guy jumped into
my cab and he says,
"Take me to 54th Street."

When we get
there, he says...

( laughs )

He says...
he says...

He says, "My God!

They've torn
the building down."

( laughs )

It turns out instead of
taking him to 54th Street,

I'd taken him
to 53rd Street.

Huh? When we found
out, you know, we
were both so amused,

we just sat there
and laughed.

It was...

As any of us would, John.

Tell me, do you, uh...
do you have a lot
of stories like this?

Well, they're not
all as good as
that one, but, uh...

Yeah, I could
tell you a few.

One time, this
girl came in...

You know, John,
John, John, John...
I have a better idea.

Why don't you write them
all down as they occur to you,

then scoop them up
in a big pile.

Then bring them to me,

and I'll see that they get
just the treatment they deserve.

And fast.

Oh, great. Thanks.

I'll go get started.

You do that.
Thanks.

( chuckles )

Excuse me, Mr. De Palma.

Uh-huh?

Listen, there's, uh,
something I'd like to ask you.

Shoot.

Well, we've heard that
certain dispatchers

will take advantage
of their position

by... taking bribes

you know, shaking down drivers,
that sort of thing.

Is there any truth
in that?

What's it worth
to you to find out?

I think you just
answered my question.

Thank you.

( snarls )

Hey, Alex, you want
some pigs in a blanket?

Oh, actually, I was
on my way to Mario's.

Anyone want to come?

Are you kidding?

The food at Mario's is terrible

compared to this.

They use horse meat
for hamburgers.

You're crazy.

Take my word for it.

Who are you?

The cook at Mario's.

Oh.

You know, Alex,
I think I know

how you feel about
talking to me,

and I... I want
to tell you I
respect you for it.

But you know, I got
a hunch about you.

I think that you can
really help this picture,

and I'm not going
to leave you alone

until I get what
I want, you know?

I didn't get where
I... where I am

in this business today
by taking no for an answer.

Or by taking no answer
for an answer.

Look, Alex, you hang out here

and I'm going to be
around you every minute.

You'd just
better face it.

I'm going to bug you like crazy
until I get what I want.

Hey, look, I don't
have to take this.

You know, we got a union
here, we got rules.

Hey, Louie, Louie,
where's the shop steward?

Where is he?
Who is he?

I want to see
the shop steward.

Hey, you know,
we're supposed to have one.

It's a union rule that says
one of the drivers

is supposed to be the
representative from the union.

Yeah, come on.
Anybody know
who he is?

Get him in here,
because I got
a grievance.

All right, all right,
keep your pants on.

I'll look him up here.

Um...

Ben Goretski
is the shop steward.

Ben?

Ben Goretski to the cage.

I never heard of him.

That's because he's been
dead for two years.

Never mind, Ben.

Wow, looks like we're going to
have to elect a new one.

Oh, I nominate
Alex.

Oh, come on, now,
Elaine. Don't!

Yeah, it's
a good idea.

All right.
All those in favor

of Alex being
our new shop steward say "aye."

ALL:
Aye!

Wait a minute! Look, I don't
want to be the shop steward.

We can't force him into it.

Well, why don't we just let
Ben Goretski keep doing it?

He's been doing a good job.

All those in favor
of keeping Ben Goretski

as our shop steward say "aye."

ALL:
Aye!

The ayes have it.

Ben...

if you can hear me,
congratulations.

Okay, what do you want to know?

You know, this is
the best pate

we've had all week.

Hi, Tony.
How was the fight?

Great, great.

Yeah? Who won?

I don't know.
Lea and I left early.

Boy, I hope we get to fit in
another fight

before you have
to leave town.

Oh...

Hi, everybody.
Hi, Alex.

Hey, have you had
breakfast yet?

The sturgeon is
really good today.

I just had breakfast with Roger.
You know,

I told him things
I haven't thought of in years.

Yeah? Is he going to use
some of your stories?

Well, he said they were
very interesting,

but they weren't
really right for the movie.

He said they were
more like television.

You know,
after all that fuss I made,

I really have to admit it's
been... it's been a lot of fun.

Boy!

( scoffs )

I can understand
these other dummies

being taken in
by those Hollywood phonies,

but I thought
you had more sense, Rieger.

What are you
talking about?

Big Hollywood picture.

Multimillion-dollar budget.

They come in here,
disrupt the garage,

make all kinds
of extra work for me,

and don't even offer me
a dime for my troubles.

If I hadn't been selling
the leftovers to Mario's,

this week would have been
a total loss.

Good morning, Louie.
How are you?

( mutters )

Roger.
Hey, hi.

Thanks for
breakfast, really.

My pleasure.
Thank you. Hi.

Hi, Mr. Chapman.
I'm almost finished
with my stories.

Great news, John.

Listen, we're going to have to
go back to Hollywood tomorrow.

Yeah.
But I just wanted
to tell you

that we're going to have
a little get-together

up at my suite at the Plaza
tonight, about 8:15

( murmuring )
And we'd love
to have all of you.

Hey, we'll
be there.

Don't worry
about it.
( excited shouting )

Oh, also, the biggest news--
Louie, come on down here.

This concerns you, too.

If your caterer
is missing any silverware,

I had nothing to do with it.

No. I was talking to your boss,
Mr. McKenzie,

and I told him how we want
to shoot this picture

on location in New York.

And I asked him
if it was all right with him

to shoot some of the scenes
right here in the garage

and use all the drivers
as extras.

( excited chattering )

And Bobby...

I think there's a part
in this film for you.

( all cheering )

Oh, wow!
That's great!

Wait, wait.
Did McKenzie agree?

Yeah. He said it was fine
with him.

He said just as long
as Louie didn't object.

You mean...

it's up to me
whether you guys come back

and shoot your picture here?

Uh, yeah, Louie.

Um, well, we'd be here
for over a month,

and he was worried
that you might think

it would be
a little too disruptive

for the garage.

( chuckles )

You mean...

that it's entirely up to me.

Well, uh, yes,
Louie, it is.

So, uh, so what do you say?

You going to let us make a movie
right here in your garage?

Mr. Chapman...
I ain't letting you

take a snapshot in this garage.

BOBBY:
Hey, man, what's
the matter?

Why not, Louie?

No. He's been
in here all week

disrupting the
whole operation.

I can't take
a month of that.

Oh, terrific.
Thanks a lot.

Well, you know, Louie, uh...

we might try to make it
worth your while.

A bribe?

Well, Louie,
if we have to build

a whole garage set
out on a lot in Hollywood,

that's going to cost us
a lot of money.

Well, since you're
putting it in those
terms, Mr. Chapman,

perhaps we could do
a little business.

Would you like a
little drink here?

Yeah. How about yourself?

Oh, sure,
I'll have one.
There's for you.

Okay.

And for me.

Just, uh, what sort
of figure did you
have in mind?

Well, let's say
we make you...

location coordinator.

( grunts )

And we pay you...

$15,000?

Hmm...

Well, that's not exactly
the sort of figure

that I had in mind,
but... what the heck?

You got yourself a deal.

Great. Okay,
and I'll see you

at the Plaza tonight.

All of you.
Later, Rog.

Bye-bye.
We'll be
there, Rog.

Bye, Roger.

Hey, Louie...

what sort of figure
did you have in mind?

I was going to
ask him for $25.

( shouts )

( indistinct voices )

Well, here's
to a great picture,

a bunch
of great people,

and to friendship.

Am I forgetting anything?

Yeah. To $15,000.

How much did it cost
to stay here, Lea?

Oh, it cost
about $225 a day.

Wow. Hey, Rog!

You're crazy
spending that
kind of cash.

Next time you're in town,
you come stay with me.

Well, I guess when we
get back to New York,

you're going to be seeing
a lot more of Lea, huh?

( phone rings )
Boy, I sure hope so.

But, uh, I don't think
she has any more.

Excuse me,
Mr. Chapman?

Yeah?

It's Peter Koppelman
from Hollywood.

Peter who?

Koppelman. He's head of
production at Paramount.

No. John Muncie is head
of production at Paramount.

No, there's been
some sort of shakeup.

Koppelman, who used
to be with Universal,

is now at Paramount.

Hawthorne,
from Columbia,

is now head of production
at Universal.

And Lou Green from MGM
is taking over Columbia.

Then where the
hell is Muncie?

He's at Burger King.

Never mind, just
give me the phone.

Hello, Peter?
Hey, congratulations, man.

It couldn't happen
to a nicer guy.

Yeah, listen, I know you're
probably way over your head

getting settled in out there
in the new job, and all,

but have you had a chance

to look at
that cab driver script yet?

You did?

Oh, great.

Right. I didn't like it either.

You see? And that's why
I sent it to you to read.

Right, uh, but what do you think
of the idea?

You're canceling the project?

Peter, I have two years
of my life in this thing.

Listen, I...

Peter?

Listen, Peter, we...

we have some
fantastic stuff here.

We've got wonderful,
warm human stories.

Don't say no, man,
until you've heard them!

Wait... Alex, Alex,
tell him the one

about the baby
that was born in your cab.

Huh?
Make it twins!

( whispers ):
Make it twins.

Uh, hello, Mr. Koppelman?

My name is Alex Rieger.

Uh, yeah, I was really thinking

that this would be right
for television,

but I don't see why
it can't transfer
to the big screen.

Just tell him the story.

Oh. Uh, well...

It was a very cold night
early in January, and...

You hate it already?
How can you hate it already?

Lea, you used
to go out with him.

You talk to him.

No, not with Koppelman.

Just with Muncie
and Hawthorne.

I used to go out with him.

Give me the phone!

( mutters )

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Koppelman.

Uh, this is
Louie De Palma,

your location
coordinator.

You can't cancel this picture.

I already told my mother
about the $15,000.

She thinks
we're moving
to Queens.

No, please,
Mr. Koppelman!

Please.
I'm begging you.

I'm begging...
I'm on my knees,
Mr. Koppelman.

Please, please,
you got to listen
to me, please!

Louie, Louie, Louie!

Control yourself,
will you?

What do you mean,
who the hell am I?

I just told you!

I'm Louie De Palma,
your location coordinator.

Now, listen to me, Koppelman.

I'm warning you,
you cancel this picture,

you're going to wake up tomorrow

with one of your horses'
heads in your bed.

Koppelman, I swear,
you cancel this picture,

I'll kill you!

I'll kill you!

Can you believe that?
He hung up on me.

The nerve of some people.

$15,000!

Louie, Louie, Louie.

( sobbing ):
$15,000!

All right, Louie, Louie,
listen, listen.

$15,000!

Louie, please. Look, you
just had a bad break.

Now, come on.
$15,000!

Come on, you
couldn't help it.

$15,000!
There's nothing you
could do about it.

Louie, come on,
Louie, Louie!

You just got to
be a man, Louie.

Louie, Louie, look.
Fifteen...

You got to walk
out of here...

You got to walk out of here
with this head held high,

you hear me?

Hmm?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I just want to go
into the bathroom

for a moment.

Yeah.

You're right, Alex.

I got to keep
my head up high.

As long as a man
has his pride

and his dignity,
it doesn't matter

what this rotten world
tries to do to him.

Come on,
let's get out of here.

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )