Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 1 - Louie and the Nice Girl - full transcript

( theme music playing )

Zena's here to fill
the candy machine.

Hi, gang!

I got it, man!
I'm in!

( shouting )

I got here
for the first time.

Can you believe this?

A bunch of adults
fighting over
a candy bar.

Hold that thought, Bobby,
she's brought malted balls.

Oh, yeah?

Bobby, seniority,
seniority...



No, wait,
I'm second.

Hey, Zena,
how you doing?

Terrific,
thanks.

Hey, Tony--

here's that organic shampoo
I was telling you about.

Oh, thanks, Zena.
What do I owe you?

First one is free.
Then after I get you hooked...

You know, Zena,
my kids just love

those puppets
you made for them.

Thanks again, really.

Oh, that's okay.
Bobby, you know, I went to see

that O'Neill revival
you were telling me about.

Oh, yeah?
What did you think?

I thought that the only thing
that could



have made it better
was you in it.

Oh, you noticed that,
too, huh?

Out of the way,
out of the way!

No!
Hey!
No!

Out of the way or
I'll call you last for a cab.

Oh!
Oh!

It's so easy.

Whoo!

The first Baby Ruth.

M-m-m-mm!

Why does the first one
always taste the best?

How should we know?

You always eat
the first one.

Oh, silly me.

You may now resume
fighting over the stale ones.

Well, it's something.

Oh, hey, Zena?

Have you got change
for a dollar because...?

Zena? Hey!

Oh, sorry.

Boy, he's really
something, isn't he?

Louie?

Hoo! There's an exterminator
who wants him to pose

for the side of his truck.

He must take a lot of
ribbing from you drivers.

Yeah, none of it's
good-natured.

Now, I guess
that's natural

making fun of the boss.

Bet you don't even
notice how cute he is.

Louie?

Yeah.

Louie?!

Yeah!

I don't know,
maybe it's me.

Maybe I just get turned on
by powerful men.

Louie!?

Yeah. You know, all these weeks
watching him up there

keeping this huge
operation humming.

Boy, if I wasn't
so shy, I'd...

Uh, you'd what?

Oh, Elaine...

would you introduce me to him?

Louie?

Oh, Zena, um,
that's not a good idea.

Why not?

It's a bad idea.

Oh, I see what
you're trying to say.

Yeah.

You want him for yourself.

( screams )

Hey, what happened?

Zena says I want
Louie for myself.

( screams )

What are you
talking about?

Then I take it
you don't.

No!
Then there's
no problem.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What's the problem
there isn't one of?

Zena wants to meet Louie.

I could never
do it on my own.

I need somebody
to introduce me.

I'm trying to save her
from herself, but...

I mean, I got nothing
to worry about, right?

I mean, who in this
garage is going to
introduce her to Louie?

Elaine, damn it, she's an adult.
You don't lead people's lives.

Hey, Zena,
I'll introduce you to Louie.

What would you like me to say?

Say you think
we'd like each other.

Okay.

You're going
to say that?

That's what she wants me
to say, and that's what
I'm going to say.

Come on, Zena.

Stay close by me.

He's not in a cage
for nothing.

All right,
listen up here,
everybody!

New rule here,

new rule.

Yes, we do take out
cabs with bald tires.

We do.

Hey, uh, Louie... Louie?

What?

Louie, I'd like you
to meet Zena Sherman.

Zena, Louie DePalma.

Zena wanted to meet you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I think maybe
you'll, uh...
like each other.

Oh.

How do you do?

Hi.

All right, if you'll
excuse me now,

I'll leave
you two alone.

I have to get some
bald tires on the road.

I like your goodies.

How long you been
in this sweets field?

Almost a year now.

You do it very well.

Um... my cousin is getting
married tomorrow night.

Would you like to go
to the wedding?

It's a free dinner.

Thank you.

I'd really like to.

Swell.

Uh, oh, and it is a wedding,
so dress up a little, okay?

What are you
looking at me for?

She wanted me
to introduce her,

so I introduced her.

So, what's the big deal?

It's just one date.

What's the worst thing
that can happen?

She could have his baby.

( screams )

Ooh!

Sorry I'm late...

( chortles )

but Zena and I had
another one of those nights.

I didn't even have
time to change.

You'll have to
excuse my attire.

She ripped the shirt
off my back.

But I guess when
you're burning

the candle
at both ends

for five weeks straight, you're
going to have to pay the price.

Give me three
cards, all right?

He's driving me crazy.

There's only one consolation
in this whole sordid affair.

Yeah, what's that?

I didn't introduce them.

All right, now remember
our agreement:

Nobody asks him nothing.

ALEX:
Right.

I don't know
how much longer

I can keep this up.

I'm only human, I mean.

( chortles )

How much pleasure
can one man endure?

Isn't anybody
the least bit curious

as to why I didn't have
time to change this morning

or yesterday,

or the day before,
ad infinitum?

What do you got,
what do you got?

I got nothing.

Alex, I thought at least
you would be interested

in the intimate details.

After all, you are
kind of responsible.

( chortles )

I don't want you
to do that anymore.

Do what?

( mimics chortling )

I don't do that.

Yes, you do, you do it
almost continuously.

I don't!

Yes, you do. You do it
every time you mention Zena.

( chortles )

You just did it.

I did? Really?

I don't even know

I'm doing it.

I'll tell you what:

The next time I do it,
hold up your hand.

Look, I don't have to
hold up my hand.

You do it every time
you mention her name!

You're crazy!

Zena.

( chortles )

I don't even realize
I'm doing it.

But I'll tell you
one thing, Rieger,

you'd be hee-hee-heeing,
too, if you were having

experiences with
a woman like...

Go away.

I got to tell somebody.

I don't even let
people I like
touch my hair.

Whisper in my ear and
you'll be whispering for life.

Nah!

Hey, Louie, they
want you upstairs.

Okeydoke.

Listen, Zena is going
to be in any minute now.

Tell her that I'm
going to pick her up

tonight at 8:00 sharp.

We're going to go out to dinner.

At least, we're going to
try to go out to dinner.

That's what I say every night.

* Macho, macho man

* I've got to be a macho man

* I'm a macho man...

I'll tell you, I just
can't understand Zena.

You know what my theory is?

My theory is that,
since she's not a stupid person

she must see some quality in
Louie that we've always missed.

Yeah, my theory is
that Louie must have

some redeeming virtue
that we've always overlooked.

My theory is, Zena is nuts.

That makes more sense.

Hi, everybody!

Hey, Zena, how
you doing?
Oh, hi, Zena.

Hey, Alex, could
I talk to you for
a minute, alone?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, would you guys...?

Okay, shoot.

I know I'm imposing, but
I hoped you wouldn't mind.

I mean, you did bring
Louie and me together.

I have a feeling when I die,
they'll put that on my stone.

Yeah?

Uh, it's kind of personal.

It embarrasses me
to talk about it.

Well...

All right, we've been seeing
each other for five weeks,

and, uh, being
normal, healthy adults

it's natural we'd have
some physical involvement.

Yeah.

So why haven't we?

I mean, you know Louie.

What is it?

Why won't
he touch me?

You mean he hasn't touched you?

I can't even get him
to hold my hand.

( stifled laughter )

Gee, Zena, that's too bad.

( stifled hysterical
laughter )

Good evening,
everybody.

( chuckles )

Sorry I can't join you,
but I got a hot date tonight.

( imitates sizzling )

Well, maybe I'll stick
around for just one.

Tommy?

Yeah-- beer?

Yeah, beer.

Thanks.
You're welcome.

Zena doesn't expect me
for another half hour,

and I like to be
a little late

so she's really
chomping at the bit.

( chortles )

Uh, Louie...

I know. I did it
on purpose.

Boy, oh boy,
I finally found

a girl who can
keep up with me.

Ugh! Jeez!

She's jealous!

( chuckles )

Louie, Zena and I had
a long talk today

about things
that happened

and about things
that didn't happen.

You did?

Uh, excuse us.

Alex has this problem.

It'll be okay.
Don't worry, relax. You...

She's lying.

Yeah? Why would she lie?

I don't know-- she just is.

Alex, it's me against her.

How do you know
I'm lying?

Oh, yeah.

All right, Louie, it's over.

No more talk about Zena,
you understand?

Alex, Alex, I don't
want you to leave
with the wrong idea.

Let me explain.
Now look, Louie,

I heard enough out
of you today, all right?

Alex!

I got to open up
to someone.

You're the only one
I almost can stomach.

Aah, come on.

Alex, if you won't do it
out of compassion--

out of pure humanity--

would you do it for money?

You want to pay me
to listen?

I want you to do for me

what you do for Bobby
and Tony and the other guys.

Well, I am a little
short this week.

Well, all right...

Great! How much you want?

Well, that depends on
what you have to say.

Sit down.

All right.

All right, here it is.

Here's the truth.

It's her fault.

20 bucks.

20 dollars? Are you crazy?
For "her fault"?!

20 bucks.

( groans )

You see, it's
because she's...

I mean,
how do I put this?

Alex... she's my first.

Oh, come on, Louie,
she's not your first.

Everybody knows that
when you were driving a cab

and tourists wanted to find
out where the women were,

you didn't tell them,
you took them.

And whenever possible,
you joined them.

Hold on, I don't want
you to get the wrong idea.

I've had my share of women,
and then some,

and I've always
left them happy.

I can't tell you
how many told me,

"Louie, this is crazy,
I should pay you!"

That'll be another ten.

That's fair.

Look, you see, my thing
with Zena is different.

I mean, it's the first time
I ever had a girl

who calls me to find out
if I got home all right.

The first one

to just take a walk with me.

The first one to surprise me
with little gifts.

She's the first girl
that ever did this to me.

Don't do that.

I had to show you.

You haven't got enough money
in your pocket for that one.

Alex, what I'm
trying to tell you

is that Zena
is the first girl

I've ever been
out with... who...

...the first girl I've
ever been out with twice.

Oh, Zena's not your first girl,
she's your first nice girl.

Yeah! And I can't handle it!

I mean, I was brought up

believing that
there was nice girls

and girls you had fun with

and there was
no mixing of the two.

I like Zena...

I really do.

But I can't even
bring myself to kiss her.

Well, there's only
one thing you can do, Louie:

Break up with
this lovely, warm person

who obviously feels
a great deal for you

and spend the rest
of your life

floating through
meaningless affairs

with cheap strangers
who you'll have to pay

to satisfy your disgusting
physical lust.

Great advice.

( knocking at door )

Coming!

Hi, I'm
almost ready.

I got you some flowers.

Thanks.

I threw them away.

Why?

Because that's
the kind of guy I am.

We're not
going out tonight.

Why not?

Because that's the kind
of night this is.

I think you better sit down.

You look tired, Louie.

Want me to rub your feet?

No.

Your shoulders?
No.

That little vein
in your head?

No rubbing.

I... I got
something to say.

Sounds serious.

What is it?

Zena, I'm going to be
straight with you.

We're splitting up.
Good-bye.

Why?

You really want to drag
this out, don't you?

I just want to know why.

Why!

There's someone else.

Oh, I see.

Who?

( mutters ):
Who?

Donna Summer.

We had a little spat
before I met you.

I couldn't take the pressure
of the racial thing.

And besides, she's
always shaking it in
front of other guys.

It got to me.

I told her, "I don't
want you moaning on
records anymore."

This morning she
gave me a call, we...

Stop it, Louie.
Just don't make up stories.

I think I deserve
better than that.

I know what it is.

You think I'm
too good for you.

Nah, you crazy?

It's just that
you're too good, period.

I'm used to
another kind of woman.

You're so nice.

I can't ever
even think of...

relating to you
in a nonverbal manner.

Oh, I see.

Louie, you know,
when people like
each other a lot

they should be able
to work things out.

I'm willing to try.

I'm nuts about
you, Louie.

Well, you-you're hocking me
all the time, right?

I mean, let me
ask you a question.

Why are you nuts about me?

To tell you the truth,

I've been asking
myself that question.

My friends have
been asking me that
question, my parents.

The doorman's
been asking me
that question.

I don't know
what to tell them.

But I know
what to tell you.

You touch me.

Holy crap!

You know,
all those nights

when you left me
at my doorstep

I'd go into my
bedroom and cry.

Take me to the place you cry.

What's going on?

I can't go in there, Zena!

Oh, open it!

No... I'm sorry.

( banging on door )

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
but this is really the end.

Okay, Louie!

All right.

Louie, would
you just do me
one last favor?

What's that?

How about
a good-bye kiss?

Women!

It would mean
a lot to me.

"It would mean a lot to me..."

All right!

Well, so long...

( moans )

You can go now, Louie.

That's easy
for you to say.

( chuckles )

Louie?

Yeah?

( chortles )

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )