Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 17 - Elaine and the Lame Duck - full transcript

( theme music playing )

MAN:
Taxi!

( whistling )

Taxi!

Take this cab to Cuba.

Did you hear that?

I said Cuba,
like... like a hijack.

God, life. I love it!

Don't you love it?

Don't you
love life, driver?

No, we're just
good friends.



Where to?

Well, where do you want
to go now, Jill?

You want to go
to a show?

You want to go
out dancing?

754 West 23rd street.

Seven...
that's where you live.

Yes, it is.

A-ha. You mean you want
to go to... your place.

Desperately.

You heard her.

I heard her.

Oh, wasn't that
a great restaurant?

Especially nice
when you can share it

with someone you like.



It must be.

You know, uh...

there are those
who claim oysters

to be an aphrodisiac.

Let me out here.

It's not the address
you gave me.

Yeah, I want to walk.

I need some air.

You can't get out here.

This is a terrible
part of town.

He's right, you know. You can
get killed in this neighborhood.

Well, in that case,
let him out.

Did I say something
to offend you tonight?

Everything after hello.

Please, Jill,

the driver can hear us.

No, not a word.

I don't care if he can hear us.

I want him to hear us.

I want a witness
to what this evening

was like for me
while it's still
fresh in my memory.

He insisted on ordering
the meal in French.

My main course
was ten pats of butter.

If you were having
such a lousy time,

why didn't you
say something earlier?

What did you think
that I meant

when I said two hours ago,

"Please, for the love
of God, take me home"?

I thought you were
coming on to me.

Okay, here we are.

Thank goodness!

Uh... can I see you to the door?

No.

I guess this means

you don't want
to sleep with me.

Where to?

Who cares?

Hey, it's none
of my business,

but if you want
my opinion,

she was no great
prize, you know.

With all the women
in this city,

you don't have
to get hung up on her.

That's easy for you to say.

You're a cab driver.

You have women in your cab
all day long.

I never meet anybody.

What do you do?

I'm a United States Congressman.

Say, uh, listen,
I'll just check in,

and then maybe we can go
for a beer.

What do you say?

I'm in no hurry.

Okay.

Where's Louie?

Oh, hi.

Took his mom to the dentist.

In the middle of the night?

Yeah, he found
this discount dentist

only works nights.

Leave it to Louie, right?

Yeah. Very romantic.

Root canal by starlight.

Hey, listen.
You want a cup of coffee?

It may be a while.

Oh, sure.

You know, I think you're
the first congressman

we've ever had
in this garage.

I still don't think of myself
as a congressman.

You see, Dad's
a major contributor

to the party,
so, to thank him,

they, uh, they ran me
for Congress.

Yeah, and you won the election.
That's great.

In a district
my party's always won.

But you won.

The week before the election

my opponent
was convicted of murder.

But you did win.

We had to have a runoff.

Yeah, so now, you're in office.

I bet you're showing them, huh?

There's talk
of a recall.

Ah, who cares about that?

You dress nice.

Look, you know,
I really appreciate

you trying to cheer me up
like this.

( laughing )

Hey, hey.

How you doing, Alex?

Guys, I'd like you to
meet Walter Griswold.

Walter is a United
States Congressman.

How do you do?

Hey, I'm in
your district.

I voted for you.

Oh, yeah? Why?

The other guy
was up for murder.

Oh, yeah.

Congressman?

Yeah, Latka, this is a
very important person
in our government.

Oh.

No, no, Latka!

You don't have
to give him money.

No, no, in America, they
just like to shake hands.

Oh.

This is good country.

Nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Thank you very much.

( growling )

All right, guys.

Line up, animals.

Hey, Louie,
how's your mom's teeth?

Oh, okay.

She had to have
a little work done

but this guy's prices
are so reasonable

I even sprung
for Novocaine.

It's my own mother.

What the hell?

Hey, listen, Walter,
I'll be right back, okay?

Okay.

Hey, so what are you doing
in our garage, Your Honor?

Oh, well, I was out on a date,

but the lady had to
cut the evening short.

Said something about
having to get up early

and change her phone number.

Yeah, his date was
a real sweetheart,

if you know what I mean.

No, Alex, it wasn't her.

It was me.

The fact is, uh...

I'm a loser with women.

Come on.

Women.

In my country,
women work like ox.

They cook, they...
have lots of babies,

uh... they get old early.

They happy.

In America, the women,
they have, uh...

they have maids, they
dress with nice clothes,

they take bubble bath.

They happy.

What is your point?

Women happy people.

Hey, Walt,
I didn't think a congressman

would have any trouble
getting chicks.

Oh, boy, this one does.

You see,
all I ever wanted in life

was a nice, sweet, average girl

who couldn't keep
her hands off of me.

Every time I go out,
I make a fool out of myself.

It's getting so
I can't get dates.

You know how embarrassing it is

to go to the presidential
inaugural ball stag?

I only hope
people think I'm gay.

You know, Walter, I used to have
trouble with women.

And then I found
that the best way to handle them

was to just be myself.

No, it wouldn't work for me.

Why not?
You're cute.

Oh, yeah.

Walter, you know,
there isn't a guy here

who hasn't been rejected.

I mean, you're taking this
too seriously.

A woman once said to me,

"I never want to see you again
as long as I live."

That's happened to everybody.

We hadn't been introduced.

He is wearing a nice suit,
though, isn't he, fellas?

No, no, I might as well
just give up.

Oh, Walter, baloney.

You know
what your trouble is?

You try too hard.

You know, women sense
your anxiety.

What you really need
is some confidence.

I think a date
with a very attractive

but a very, uh...
a very nice person

would do you a lot
of good, you know that?

And I have someone in mind.

Her.

Damn it, Louie,
you little twerp

Now, listen to me.
I am not going to take

that kind of garbage
from you anymore,

so you can just cram it!

Oh!

She's uch nicer than
what I'm used to.

Elaine, I want to thank you
for going out with me tonight.

Did I already thank you?

Yeah, you thanked me.

You thanked my children,
you thanked my baby-sitter...

I believe you can't say
"thank you" too often.

Well, yeah, that's true.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I guess you can say
"thank you" too often.

Walter, just relax.

You saw me perspire, didn't you?

Excuse me?

I perspire.

Well, everyone perspires.

I perspire freely.

I'm talking buckets.

That's why
I'll never be reelected.

Who's going to vote for a man

who always looks like he just
stepped out of a sauna?

So, what's it like
living in Washington?

Oh, God,
do I sweat in Washington.

It is so humid there,

as if that would make
any difference.

I'd probably sweat
on the Matterhorn.

I shake hands with people,
and they wipe their hands off.

They pretend
to do something else

so they won't
hurt my feelings.

They, uh...
they cross their arms.

They adjust their ties.

They wave hello at friends.

Could we talk about
something else?

I'm talking
about sweat again.

Why do I always
talk sweat on dates?

It's because
I'm always sweating on dates.

I was the only one who said no.

Oh, hey, Walter!

Nice to see you again.

Hi, Elaine.

Hi.

Hey, you guys come here
all the time, right?

You got anything
to recommend

to make the dining experience
a memorable one?

Yeah, they got a great air
hockey game in the back room.

Hey, come on.
They do.

I know.
Uh, we'll see you later.

Would you care
for another round?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Uh, I'll have another.

He hates me.

Who?

The waiter.

I know when a man despises me

and that man despises me.

He's going to spit in my food.

They do that.

Could we go back to sweating?

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

Hi, Louie.

Hello, Nardo.

Is this your date
for the evening?

You remember me, Congressman
Walter Griswold.

Yeah.

What, they run out of towels
in the men's room?

No, that's, uh,
that's sweat.

I was telling Elaine,
I sweat a lot.

Congratulations.

Well, uh, I don't want

to destroy
your magical tete-a-tete.

See you later.

He's a nice guy.

Oh, yeah, a prince.

Talk about a lame duck.

( laughing )

Hey, come on, Louie.

Walter's a nice guy.

He's a United States
Congressman.

I don't care if he's
the Duke of Cornwall.

In my book,
the guy's a shlimazl.

What's a shlimazl?

Well, you see,
there's schlemiels

and shlimazls.

A schlemiel is a guy

who goes to
a formal dinner party

and spills his soup.

A shlimazl's
the guy he spills it on.

Hey, Louie, you know
what's good about you?

What?

I was hoping
you had an answer.

Have, uh, have you
decided yet, Elaine?

Um... I'm not sure.

Walter, your
menu's on fire.

Walter, uh...

I think I'll start
with the chocolate cheesecake.

Boy, this guy.

He is a horse's yatabe.

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry,
Elaine.

It's the same old story.

A girl goes out with me,
I embarrass her.

It's no wonder they never want
to see me again.

I never want
to see me again.

I didn't say
I didn't want to see you again.

Oh, yeah? You want to go out
Saturday night?

Oh, no,
Saturday, I made these...

See? See?
What about Sunday?

No, I take the kids...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

What about Monday?

Monday's a bad day.

Mm-hmm. Tuesday?

Well... it's fine.

What?

I'd love to.

You want to go out
with me again?

Yes, Walter.

What's wrong with you?

Can you believe Elaine?

Getting mixed up
with a loser like that?

She's gone out with him every
night for the past two weeks.

Look, Why do we have to
talk about Walter anymore?

We all have our good
days and our bad days.

Then Walter's got
some great days ahead.

What are you guys
talking about?

Boxing.Work.
School.

General stuff.

Must have been a hell
of a conversation.

Well, Nardo...

Has it happened yet?

What?

Has one of your kisses

turned the toad
into a prince?

Louie, you take that back.

Nardo, do you know
what a shlimazl is?

I don't have
to listen to this.

A sclimazl is a guy
who comes home from work early

and finds his wife
in bed with his boss,

then gets docked a day's pay
for leaving the office.

( laughs )

And with
a little more class,

Walter would be
a shlimazl.

( cackling )

Louie, I am warning you.

Now watch it.

( laughing )

( yells )

Listen, Nardo...
if you ever grab me again

in a non-erogenous zone,
you're gone.

Ugh.

Alex, I need
your advice.

ALL:
Ooh!

What? Okay, look,

unless it's about you
and Walter,

because I don't want to get
in the middle of that.

It's about me and Walter.

All right. If you just want to
talk and it's no big stuff...

It's gigantic stuff.

Well, I mean, if it doesn't get
really intimate...

You can't get
more intimate.

In that case, shoot.

Well... I guess
everybody's really curious

about why I'm seeing him
so much.

Well, I'm not. I understand.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I mean, he's not the man of
my dreams, but I like him.

I guess like him for
the same reason

I'm drawn to that scrawny
little puppy in the pet store

you know, that
nobody else wants.

Well, whatever your reasons,

I really got to hand it to you,
Elaine, you know?

Dating you
has really changed Walter.

He seems like he's got

a lot more confidence
in himself now.

You know that?

I know. You're right.

Oh, he is such a sweet guy.

You know how some guys
treat your kids nice?

Yeah.

Well, Walter's not just
treating them nice.

I mean, he really likes my kids.

Oh, yeah?

The other day
my daughter came home upset

because three
of her best friends

were going to see
The Nutcracker without her.

The mother couldn't get
an extra ticket

and so she was the only one
left out.

Well, I'm giving her
this big lecture,

telling her it's no big deal

and you shouldn't be
so upset about it,

you know, but she
wouldn't stop crying.

So I look over at Walter,
and he's got tears in his eyes.

So then I got them both
on my hands.

So, what'd you do?

I took them both
to see The Nutcracker.

What's your problem?

I got to break up with him.

Oh, Elaine, no.

I know, Alex.
I'm sorry, but
I have no choice.

Walter's beginning to make
certain suggestions.

Like what?

Like, "How about
a roll in the hay?"

Walter's suggestions seem to run
toward the blunt, don't they?

Yeah.

I mean, I like him,

but there's just not
that chemistry thing.

So what do you want me to say,
I understand?

I understand.

What are you getting
so sore about?

I'm not sore.

I mean, you want advice?

You want to break up
with Walter, fine.

Just go on your own instincts,

those same instincts
that have gotten you this far--

divorced, poor,
working nights,

holding two jobs.

Alex, will you calm down
for a second?

Now listen to me.

This man is
coming over tonight.

We're gonna be alone.

My kids are with my ex-husband.

I don't know if I can
handle this.

Elaine, do you really expect me
to tell you

whether you should roll
in the hay or not with Walter?

I guess you're right.

Oh, I got to do
what I got to do.

I just know it's going
to break his heart.

Oh. You're going
to go to bed with him.

You're sure
you don't want anything?

Maybe just a little... applause.

No, I haven't got time.

I'll just have
a cup of coffee...

Babe.

Uh...

Say, can we talk about...

No, no.

I guess we shouldn't.

It's not a thing
you talk about.

Walter, it's okay
to talk about it.

I've never sweat so much
in my entire life.

Elaine, be honest with me.

Did you let me stay last night
because you wanted to,

or because you felt sorry
for me?

Or did I just catch up
with the law of averages?

Walter, I let you stay
because I care about you.

Isn't that reason enough?

Yeah.

Elaine, I had a little time
to think

before you woke up
this morning...

seven, eight hours...

I have a great idea.

Why don't you and I agree
not to see anyone else.

Walter...

Okay, okay, I'll just agree
not to see anyone else,

but when
can I see you again?

What do you mean?

Well, now that
we've done this,

I want to know
when I can see you

and for how long,

and can you write this
down for me?

Walter, listen to me.

This was just what
I was afraid of.

I pushed too far, right?

Well...

All right, all right.

Don't worry about that,
don't worry about that.

We don't have to go
steady or anything

but I'd appreciate it
if you'd meet my parents.

Walter...

I can make a call now.

There are flights
leaving all hours.

Walter, you want to fly your
parents to New York

because of what we
did last night?

It's a shuttle.

It'll be great.

You'll bring the kids

and we'll go and see
The Nutcracker.

Walter!

I'm screwing up.

I'm screwing up.

Walter, now, stop.

Just listen to me.

It's too much.

You're scaring me.

You're trying to chart

our entire relationship
in one morning.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I tend to make too much
of these things.

Oh, forgive me, Elaine.

It was a wonderful evening.

Maybe we'll see
each other again.

Good-bye, Elaine.

Were you missing me at all,
because I was dying out there.

You are such a lovely man.

Hey, I want our relationship
to continue.

Can't we just
leave it at that?

You're right.
You're absolutely right.

We should just take it slow.

Take it as it comes.

Right.

Play it by ear.

How about every Thursday night
for the next three months?

Is 8:00 okay?

See? I told you
we'd make it.

Hey, listen, you've
got 15 minutes

before your plane
takes off.

Good.

So, how'd it go with you
and Elaine last night?

Fine.

Oh, that's good.

Yes, fine is very good.

You do anything
out of the ordinary?

No. It was, I guess, an ordinary
evening for most people.

Now listen, Alex.

I know you want to know

what took place
between Elaine and me,

but there are some things
a gentleman does not discuss.

Oh, I understand,
Walter.

I'll probably see you
next time I'm back in town.

Yeah, I'll see you,
Walter.

Oh, and Walter...

Yeah?

Congratulations.

Thanks.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )