Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 16 - Louie Sees the Light - full transcript

( theme music playing )

What?

Mr. De Palma,
my name's Goodwin.

I'm starting today.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, Mr. Goodwin,

let me give you
a couple of tips here.

You'll get cab 607
when it's ready.

All right?
Now, you listen to me.

We can get along very nicely

if you remember
these three things.



One: Keep your bookings high.

Two: Call me at least
24 hours ahead of time

if you're going to miss work

and three, and
most importantly:

There is a certain word that I
never want to hear around here.

What word is that, Mr. De Palma?

This is a certain word
that I hate

more than any word
in the entire English language

and it is a word

that I never want
to hear around here.

What's the word
I never want to hear
around here?

You see how well they know

I don't want
to hear that word?

The word is "accident."



You got that?

Got it.

Now, you can do
whatever you want.

You want to peddle dope, you
want to be a white slaver--

anything you want,
that's your business.

If you ever come up
to me and say to me

that you had a you-know-what
in one of my cabs,

I'm going to rip your head off
and use it as a radiator cap.

You got that?

I understand.

Nice to have you aboard.

Okay.

Hi, everybody.

ELAINE:TONY:
Hi, John.Hey, John.

How you doing, man?
Fine.

Hi, Louie.

Burns...

Where's the rest?

Uh, that's all there is, Louie.

You drove around for ten hours

and that's all you
got to show for it?

What do you do, put a quarantine
sign in the window?

I'm... I'm sorry, uh...

I'll try harder next time, okay?

You know something, Burns?

You are, without a doubt,
the worst cabby I ever had.

One more night--
just one more time--

you come dragging in here

with that Howdy Doody
face of yours

and change for a quarter
in your booking envelope

and I'm telling you,
so help me...

What?Ow!

ELAINE:
Louie, what's wrong?

ALEX:
Get him a glass of water.

Hey, you want
to sit down?

It's okay, it's okay.

It's that heartburn again.

BOB:
You sure it's only
heartburn, Louie?

Ow! Whatever it is,
I don't like it.

Hey, you want to go
upstairs and lie down?

( exhales sharply )

No, I'm all right.
It's going away.

Have you been getting
these pains a lot?

Yeah, for about
a month now.

Hey, Louie, don't you think
you ought to see a doctor?

What, see a doctor
for a simple...

gut-wrenching pain?

Yeah. Maybe I'd better,
I'd better go see one now.

ALEX:
Yeah, I think
you should.

Here, let me
help you.

That's okay,
you guys.

I can take care
of him.

I'll get
your coat, Louie.

I hope you feel
better, Louie.

Take it easy.

Thanks.

Here you go, Louie.

Thanks, Burns.

Sure you're okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm okay, I'm okay.

Hey, you want me
to drive you?

No, no, no. Listen, Burns.

Huh?
Thanks for your concern.

Oh, that's
all right.

And, you know, about
what I was saying before,

you know, about your bookings

and about how I was
going to fire you

if you had another bad night...

Yeah, Louie.

Don't forget it.

( sighing )

I really appreciate you guys
coming in to visit me.

Aw, how could
we not come

after you sent us
that cute little note?

"Please come and
see me before I die."

Louie, Louie, Louie, look, it's
just an exploratory operation.

I mean, they just want
to take a look and see
if everything's okay.

Call it whatever you want,

they're cutting me up
and going inside.

Once they're in there,
who knows what's gonna happen?

Louie, I can understand
what you're worried about,

but the way the doctor
explained it to us,

it's just routine,
that's all.

Maybe for them it is,
but not for me.

I'm scared-- I never been
in a hospital before.

Sure you have.

You were born,
weren't you?

As a matter of fact,

I was delivered on a kitchen
table by a midwife.

It was the only room
that had any heat.

JOHN:
Wow, a kitchen table!

Well, half
the kitchen table.

Dad was eating dinner
on the other half.

TONY:
Hey, Louie.

How come your mother's not here?

I didn't want to worry her,
so I didn't tell her about it.

She thinks I'm out of town,
seeing you fight.

No kidding.

Who'd I fight?

Some kid from Mexico.

How'd I do?

He knocks you out

in the second round.

Yeah, them Mexican guys
are tough.

Anybody want
some chocolates?

Oh, no, thanks,
I don't eat sugar.

I try to eat only
natural things.

How'd you like a sack of dirt?

Louie, did you say
chocolate candy?

Yeah, have one.

Thank you
very much.

I said, "Have one."

Oh, you said, "Have one"?

I thought you said, "Leave one."

I'm afraid you'll all
have to leave now.

Oh, hey, listen, Louie,
take it easy now.

Everything's
gonna be fine.

Louie, if you don't
make it back

to the garage,
we'll understand.

Bye.

Hey, Lou, I hope
you feel better.

See you in a day
or two, all right?

Thanks.

Good-bye, Louie.

( mutters )

Alex?
Yeah.

Can I speak to you
for a second, please?

Well, the nurse did
ask us to leave, Louie.

I know, but this is
something really important.

It won't take long.

Okay.

I just want to talk to you
about life and death and God.

Good, then I won't
have to sit down.

Yeah?

Alex...

Yeah.

Now that the others are gone,

I got to be honest with you.

I'm not just scared,
I'm terrified.

Louie, Louie, Louie, now look,

you got to try to relax.
You understand?

How can I relax?

This could be the end for me.

Tell me something, Alex.

Are you...
are you a religious man?

Yeah, in a way
I am, yeah.

Good.

Then you'll understand
what I'm about to do.

God...

It's Louie...

Louie De Palma.

I know it's been a long time
since you heard from me.

I'm kind of out of
practice at praying,

but I just thought I... I felt
like I had to talk to you now.

By the way,
this is Alex Rieger.

He's a friend of mine.

Say hello to God, Alex.

No, Louie, listen,
I don't think, I...

Say hello.

He hasn't got all day.

Hello, there.

Listen, I-I
just wanted

Alex here as a witness
to what I'm about to say.

Look, God...

I know I ain't been no saint

and I've done some pretty
rotten things in my life.

Alex can back me up on that.

Tell him, Alex.

Huh? Oh, Louie,

I don't
think I...
Go on, tell him the truth.

Well, um... he's not
your best work.

Thanks.

Look, God, I want to make
a deal with you.

If you can arrange it so that
I live through this operation,

I'll be the best person
I can be...

A whole new Louie De Palma--

kind...

generous...

honest.

What do you say, God?

Is it a deal?

Look... I tell you what.

You send me a sign.

Let me see...

I got it.

Unless a bolt of lightning
shoots through that window

in the next five seconds,

I'll consider it a deal.

Well, I guess you got
yourself a deal, huh?

Yeah, and I'm going
to stick by it.

Time to go, Mr. De Palma.

Oh, hey, listen, Louie,
just take it easy now.

Everything is gonna
be all right.

Don't worry about
a thing. You...

I hope so. I hope so.

Alex.
What?

Listen.

Whatever
happens,
Yeah.

I want you to know
that you've been
a good friend.

ALEX:
Yeah, okay,
Louie. Come on...

I mean it.

Take care of yourself.

And I hope the world
is kind to you.

Thanks, Lou.

And, and listen,

if I don't make it,
don't tell Ma that I died.

Tell her that I'm on a mission
for the government.

She'll believe you.

She's a little funny
in the head.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Tony.
Hi, Tony.

I thought Louie
was coming back today.

Yeah, he is. He should
be in any minute.

I am so proud of Louie.

I can't believe
how he bounced back

ALEX:
Yeah.
from that operation so fast.

Isn't it great that
it was only gallstones?

How many gallstones
did they have to remove?

Just one.

Aw, man, that's good.

As long as you still got one,
he could still have kids.

You know, I-I still can't get
over that story Alex told us

about Louie's deal with God.

Hey, do you think
he's gonna keep it?

Well, I think
he's gonna try.

Yeah, for about
ten minutes.

No, no, no, I mean it, Bobby.

Make that five minutes.

Yeah, well, I think
he's gonna make it.

Yeah?

I got $50 that says he can't
make it through one day

without yelling, screaming

and generally abusing at least
one person in this garage.

Wait a minute, Bob,
are you really serious?

I mean, you're gonna
make a bet about a man

keeping his faithful
oath with his God?

I'll give you
two to one.

You're on.

All right.

Hey!
Hey, Louie!Hey!

ALL:
Hey!

Wow, you look
terrific, you know?

( others oohing and ahhing )

Well, it's great to be back.

How do you feel?

Oh, oh, I feel great.

I feel terrific.

How's everybody been?

Oh, everybody's fine.
Everybody's fine.

Yeah.Rock 'n' roll.

John, how are the bookings?

Oh, not so good, I'm afraid.

Last night I had
my worst night ever.

I'm sorry.

It's only money.

LOUIE:
Oh, Elaine...

How are your kids?

They're fine.

Why don't you bring them down

to the garage someday
for a visit?

I'd love to see them.

After all,

a man is never taller

than when he stoops
to help a child.

And nobody
can stoop lower

than you, De Palma.

Thank you, my friend.

Latka.

Latka, Latka, Latka.

Hi.

Always working,

Yeah.
never resting.

That's right.

Come... let's have
a cup of coffee.

Okay.

My treat.

Okay.

( speaking
native language )

Two lumps?

So, tell me, Latka,

what's been new
in your life?

Oh, what's new?

Yeah.

Well, uh, this morning

I heard a very good joke

from my cousin Baji.

Oh, from Baji!

Oh, let's hear it.

I love a good joke.

Okay.

Eh...

( speaking native language )

( speaking in gruff voice )

( continues speaking
native language animatedly )

( speaking in falsetto )

( continues speaking
native language )

( laughing )

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

Ah! Ah!

Yeah? Yeah, yeah?

( still speaking
native language )

( laughing )

( repeating punch line
in Latka's language )

( repeating punch line )

( guffawing )

Hey, Louie?

What's so funny?

( repeating punch line )

Oh?

What's the matter,
you heard it already?

Would you like
to pay up right now, Bob?

Hey, it's just the
beginning of the day.

Give him time, Alex.

He'll revert to form.

No way, Bob, believe me.

Just watch.

Come to turn in
your bookings, Bob?

Uh, uh, actually, I don't,
I don't have any bookings.

Uh, you see...

When I left the garage
this morning...

Yes?

Well, I had, I had
a little, uh...

Yes?

Well, in fact, it wasn't
all that little.

Uh, I... I had
this really big...

Yes?

In fact, "big" isn't
even the right word.

"Total."

I-I have to say "total." I...

What-what is it you're
trying to tell me, Bob?

Louie, I had an accident.

You had an ac-ac...

You had an acc...

An accident?

Yeah... an accident.

I'll be darned.

Well, I don't want you
to worry, Bob.

Some careless drunk just rams
into your car, what can you do?

Um... it wasn't
any careless drunk.

See, it was my fault.

I... I ran a stop sign.

You ran a stop sign?

Yeah. You see, uh...
I couldn't see it.

I forgot to turn on
my headlights.

Oh...

Excuse me.

( growling )

Oh, well, accidents happen.

Sorry, Bob.

You win, Alex.

You-you win.

I don't believe it. You...

ALEX:
I told you.

BOB:
Yeah, but I don't believe it.

I... I... Wow.

What's that you're
saying, Bob?

Well, I got to hand it
to you, Louie.

I didn't really think
you could change.

I mean-- but you did.

I mean, I even bet Alex that
you couldn't be a nice guy

for one whole day.

( chuckling )

Oh...

Oh, I see.

Then there wasn't
any accident after all.

( laughing )

Yeah, that's right.

( laughing harder )

You were just testing me.

Playing a little game with me.

Yeah.

You were testing me

to see if I could break
my pact with God.

Ye-Yeah, I-I guess so.

I guess it was like that,

but, uh, man,
you wouldn't crack.

You're great. I...

Well...Alex?

10, 20... 40,
50, 60, 70...

80, 90...
5... 6...

Louie, what, what
are you doing?

Louie, what are you...
Louie, what are you...

Louie, what the heck
are you doing?!

Stop it now!

Stop it right now!

Louie!

Louie, what
are you doing?

You scum!

You lowlife!

You cretin!

I'm going to make you regret
the day you were born!

I'm gonna make sure
that every night

you get the dirtiest

smelliest cab in the garage,

and if there isn't one
that's dirty and smelly,

then I'm gonna get in and smelly
and dirty it up myself.

In the wintertime,
your cab will have no heater.

In the summertime,
your windows won't roll down.

I'm gonna make you the second
most miserable cab driver

in all of New York City.

The most miserable cab driver
in all of New York City

is whoever lets him down
or feeds him.

Looks like you won the bet, Bob.

What are you doing?

Alex.

Hey, come on.

Hi, Louie.

You believe in hell, Alex?

Believe in it?

I work there.

I broke a promise, Alex.

And I don't mean
I broke a promise

to some clown like yourself.

I broke a promise with Him.

I don't do nothing
halfway, do I?

Oh, come on, Louie.

Will you stop being
so hard on yourself?

Anybody could see you tried.

Now, come on,
it's time to go home.

I ain't leaving
here, Alex.

Why not?

'Cause God's waiting
for me outside.

He's rolled up
His sleeves.

He's got His
brass knuckles on.

He's getting
ready for me.

Come on, Louie,
I didn't see anybody outside.

Let's go home, huh?

It's no use, Alex.

I committed the biggest sin
in the book.

I welshed on God.

You know, Louie...

I don't think
you really did.

What are you
talking about?

You heard the promise
I made to Him.

Yeah, that's
just what I mean.

I mean, do you remember
the exact words you said?

I mean, what exactly
did you say?

I promised I'd be a good person.

No. I think
your exact words were

"I'm going to be the best person
I can possibly be."

So what?

Well, Louie, maybe the best
person that you can possibly be

is a rat.

What are you talking about?

Well, you can't be
something you're not.

I mean God made you
what you are.

And if God made you
the way you are,

then He must have
had a reason.

But we can be sure
that just as He had a reason

for creating snakes
and lice and vermin...

He had a reason
for creating you, too.

That's a beautiful
thought, Alex.

Yeah.

You... you really think

He could forgive me
for what I did?

Well, I-I think you got
a good shot, Louie.

And you really think

that He understands
me being the way I am:

Mean and nasty and rotten...

and that... in some way,

maybe it's part of His
scheme of things?

Yeah, I think so.

Thank you, Alex.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

Back to the garage

so that I may continue
fulfilling His divine purpose.

Hmm...

( coins clinking )

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters grunts )