Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 15 - Friends - full transcript
Tony's friendship with Bobby is tested when he leaves town and Bobby mistakenly kills his goldfish.
Louie.
Huh?
Louie.
Listen, I have a bad cavity
in my tooth.
So is it okay if I leave early
and go to the dentist?
The dentist.
Yeah.
That reminds
me of a story I
heard yesterday.
Yeah?
This guy goes
into the dentist's office
and he says to the nurse,
he says, "Nurse, me and my wife
"are having
very bad sexual problems.
So could I please make
an appointment?"
So the nurse says, "Oh, sir,
you don't need a dentist.
You need a psychologist."
And he said, "No, no, nurse,
I need a dentist.
With my wife,
it's like pulling teeth."
So that means it's all right
to go to the dentist?
No, no, no way.
Okay, now get back
to work, Latka.
TONY:
Hey, fellas.
ELAINE:
Hi, Tony.
Did you have a good weekend?
Nah, I went on a blind date,
and I hate blind dates.
So what did you
go on one for?
Sort of a favor to Bobby.
See, he had
this really terrific date
with this really terrific girl,
and she had a cousin
who she didn't want
to leave home
so I had to go along.
Well, what do you mean
you had to go along?
Well, you know, Bobby's
sort of my best friend.
I couldn't let him down.
Well, why not? I mean, just
'cause he's your best friend
doesn't mean you have to do
everything he wants you to do.
Of course, it does.
That's exactly what it means.
When I was a kid, I had
this best friend, Bob McDaniel.
Whenever either one of us
needed anything,
the other would come a-running,
no matter what.
We even had a special call
we made up.
I still remember it.
Yak-yak-yak-a-bye.
Yak-a-bye.
Yak-a-bye.
Nobody panic.
Where is the yakabye?
No.
No, Latka. No Yakabye.
Oh, it's a false alarm?
Uh-huh.
It's okay, no Yakabye.
Hi, Latka.
Hello.
Oh, too bad--
you miss Yakabye drill.
Shucks.
Hey, so you really had
a good time on your date?
Oh, Alex, Dominique
is one terrific lady.
Yeah?
I haven't felt this way
about a girl in a long time.
Oh, that's terrific.
Hey, how about you, Tony?
How was your date?
I don't want
to talk about it.
Hey, what are you
talking about?
I thought you two
had a lot in common.
Why? 'Cause she wanted
to be a boxer?
I never want to see her again
especially in the ring--
I wouldn't have a chance.
Hey, Banta, telephone.
Hey, you guys
want to come over
to my house Sunday
and watch the big game?
Hey, hey,
that's an idea.
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm taking
the kids to the movies.
Oh, Suzanne and I
have plans too.
Hey, Latka, you want to watch
the football game
in my apartment?
Okay, thank you.
It's better than watching it
on television.
I'll explain it to him later.
Hey, guess what, guys!
I'm fighting tomorrow,
out of town.
Where you fighting?
I'm fighting in Scranton.
I'm fighting the state champ.
Hey, Pennsylvania's
supposed to be
a really tough boxing state,
isn't it?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm fighting the
state champ of New hampshire.
Do they have a lot of
middleweights in New Hampshire?
Three. The guy I'm fighting
just took the title away
from his father.
You're not just
fighting a champ--
you're fighting a whole dynasty.
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, I got to go to the gym,
pick up my stuff
cancel the paper.
Hey, Bobby,
will you feed my fish?
Uh, Tony, I...
I'll bring them
to your place.
Don't worry, man!
A pinch of food
every morning.
Yeah, but Tony, I don't know
anything about fish.
There's nothing to it, man.
Ten seconds a day.
Why don't you ask somebody else
to do it all right?
I'm asking you.
I do a lot of stuff for you.
Can't you do one little thing
for me?
All right,
give me your fish.
You're going to love them.
Now listen, make sure you feed
them every day
because me and my fish
go back a long way.
I mean almost four years.
I bought them with the purse
from my first big win-- $3.00.
Wow.
I got to go. See ya.
Get 'em, Tony!
So long, Tony.
Tony!
Oh...
Oh, my.
Oh, me, oh, my.
Oh, I don't know
what to do.
Oh, it's so bad.
Wait, wait.
Does that hurt that bad?
Yes.
This is bad?
Ow!
All right, all right,
go to the...
You better go to the dentist.
Oh, thank you very much.
You know, Louie, you know,
sometime people talk about you.
They say bad things
about you.
They say that you
are cheap and mean
and cruel and nasty.
( doorbell ringing )
ALEX:
Hey, Bobby,
you in there? Bobby?
He's not in there.
Wait a minute, he usually leaves
the key out here somewhere.
Ah, ah, there it is.
I guess he must have
gone out for a while.
Hey, Latka, why don't
you put the game on,
and I'll stick this
in the fridge.
Okay.
I hope he went out
to shop.
There's only a loaf
of old bread in here.
We could have beer and toast.
No, thank you.
I'm trying to watch my babas.
Hey, there he is.
Come on, Bobby, you're
going to miss the kickoff.
Hey, you just getting in?
Yeah.
You devil.
No, it really wasn't like that.
Dominique and I spent
the whole night talking.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she told me
her life story, man.
What a great girl!
You know,
she turned down Warren Beatty.
Imagine that.
Me and Warren being
turned down by the same girl.
Hey, you guys want some toast?
ALEX:
Hey, come on, Bobby
you're going to miss
a great game.
You like football,
Latka?
Well, you know, this football
is very confusing.
What's confusing?
Well, you see, because this team
here is called the Giants,
but they are not bigger
than the other team.
And also, this team
is called the Redskins,
but they are almost all black.
( phone ringing )
Hello?
Yeah... hey, it's Tony.
Hey, wow, how you doing?
Hey, let me talk.
Here's Alex.
Hey, Tony, how you doing?
Yeah, how's Scranton?
Oh, you took your camera,
that's great.
Yeah, what?
Really? And they're staying
at your hotel?
Who? Who?
The Platters.
Hey, Tony, are those
the original Platters?
Oh, just one cousin?
Yeah, okay...
Hey, listen, Tony--
drop that guy, you hear me?
Drop him!
Yeah, okay.
No, here's Bob.
So, champ, how you feeling?
Yeah, yeah, the fish are fine.
Yeah, the two of them.
Look, you just worry
about the fight, okay?
All right, now, listen
the three of us
are really pulling for you, man.
Okay, the five of us
are really pulling for you.
Okay, now you do good, all
right?
All right, all right,
come home a winner.
All right, bye-bye.
What a crazy guy.
Yeah. Hey, Bobby, you're
missing a great game here.
I'll be there.
ALEX:
Oh, look
at that catch.
Hey, Bobby, come here.
You can see the replay.
You know, in my country,
they don't have instant replay.
They just make them
do it over again.
That Tony, it's the biggest
fight of his career
and he's worrying
about two dumb fish.
Man, how can anybody care
about these things?
Two little nothings.
Just floating around
on their backs.
They do move their fins,
you know, Bob?
Uh-uh, not these.
They're just lying there.
Bobby, did you feed
those fish today?
How could I?
I was busy.
You know, I just got home.
Don't worry about it.
I'll feed them now.
I don't want
to go over there.
Will you look at that?
They're not even hungry.
Come on,
roll over and eat.
Come on!
Oh, my God!
What?
They're dead, Bobby.
They're dead.
Well, I guess it was
just their time, huh?
Their time?
Both of them, together?
I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe it was one of those
murder-suicide things.
What's Bobby
going to do?
I don't know.
He just said stall Tony
until he gets here.
Those fish really meant
a lot to Tony.
He's going
to be heartbroken.
I love it.
Now, listen, Louie--
this is a very
sensitive situation.
When Tony comes in
if I hear you say one word,
like...
Bobby killed your fish.
That's right.
Hey, what's happening, guys?
Nothing.
Oh, hi, Tony.
Hey, how was the fight?
Oh, I lost.
It's all right, Elaine.
The guy told me I gave him
a much better fight
than his old man.
Hey, so, where's Bobby?
Huh, Bobby?
He's... uh... he called.
He's going to be a little late.
So, how was Scranton?
Man, was it cold.
Half the time
I was frozen stiff.
Speaking of stiffs...
So...
What have you got in the bag?
Oh, wait till you see.
It's a little castle.
Oh.
I bought it for my fish.
You know, I think they can swim
in and out.
I thought I'd surprise them.
They're going
to love it, Tony.
You see? It's got "Scranton"
on it and everything.
You know
I know it may seem
a little weird
to care about them
the way I do,
but I mean, to me,
them fish are like symbols.
I mean, of, like, survival.
If them little fish
can survive in this world
than so can I.
You know what I mean?
I can't wait
to see them again.
Hey, Alex, you saw
them yesterday.
How did they look?
Peaceful.
Yeah, they're so easy-going.
Hey, I'm going to put
this stuff away.
I'll be back.
Somebody has got to tell
him soon, for my sake.
Boy, I'm really glad
I'm not Bobby.
It's going to break
the guy's heart.
This is great.
Is he here yet?
Where have you been?
I had to go to four stores
before I could find
two that matched exactly.
ELAINE:
I just hope
this works.
Hey, Bobby.
Yeah, it's Bobby.
Look at that.
Hey, Tony, how'd the fight go?
Oh, I lost.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey...
They look great, huh?
Yeah.
Healthy, strong, happy, huh?
Oh, gee, thanks, Bobby.
Oh, forget it.
No, I mean it.
I really love these guys.
I hope they get along
with my fish.
Hey, where are they?
Tony?
Yeah.
Uh, I-I-I-I got to tell you
something.
What's that, Bob?
Um, your fish...
uh, they didn't make it.
What?
Tony, I forgot to feed them
yesterday
and when I came home
they were...
My fish?
Listen, I'd give anything
if it didn't happen, man.
My fish are dead.
Look, I know
it doesn't help much
but I think they went
in their sleep.
Where are they now?
Did you flush them?
I wouldn't do that, Tony.
No, man.
I saved them for you.
I got them right here.
You killed my fish.
Hey, Tony, listen...
if you want to slug me...
just not in the face.
I got an audition.
I don't want
to slug you, Bobby.
I don't want to have
nothing to do with you, friend.
Hey, Tony,
what did you book?
He booked 90, fish killer.
Hey, buddy, you need
a quarter? I got it.
Hey, Tone, I got these two
tickets to the Islanders' game.
I know how you really...
Oh, he's
really grieving.
I remember when our dog
Bootsie died.
I was devastated
for years.
How many?
So far... 12.
You know, Alex,
this is really too much.
I mean, I know
I made a mistake--
A big mistake.
I mean, I really feel lousy
about what happened
to Tony's fish.
I mean I hate myself
when I do things like that--
forgetting things,
not coming through for people,
but jeez, how many times
do I have to apologize?
Now, if he doesn't
want to be my friend,
well, that's fine with me.
That's great, that's great.
It's over. Who needs him?
You want me to talk to him?
Would you, please?
Yeah.
Listen, why don't you tell
him to come over to my place
and we'll sit down,
have some beers,
and spend the evening together
and talk it out, okay?
Okay.
Oh, would you come with him?
Yeah.
Hey, Tony.
Hey, Al.
Listen,
Bobby's really hurting.
He wants to patch it up.
What do you say?
I don't know, Alex.
I mean, he really let me down.
It's not just the fish.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
Well, look, he's really
sorry for what he did.
I mean, what could it hurt?
You two sit down,
talk it out...
Alex, I'm telling you--
he really let me down this time.
It ain't right.
I'm not going to let him
get away with it.
Look, he just wants you
to come over to his place
and talk about it, that's all.
Oh, yeah?
Give me one good reason
why I should.
Because I think the fish
would want it that way.
I guess you're right.
Hey, we're a little early.
He's probably
out buying food.
You know, this is
a first for Bobby.
When he comes to my place,
not only doesn't he bring stuff,
he usually takes stuff home.
Like once, he took a lamp.
That one.
Hey, there's a couple
of beers in here.
You want one?
Yeah.
I can't believe this guy.
He borrows stuff;
he never gives it back.
There's my dumbbells,
there's my football
and that's my clock.
Well, he doesn't mean
anything by it.
He's just forgetful.
That's the way he is.
Yeah, but that's what
I'm talking about.
I mean, you take Bobby--
he treats me creepy,
he ignores me
calls me stupid.
I mean, what do I like him for?
I mean, there are guys I don't
even like that treat me better.
One guy I hate
treats me almost as good.
I mean, what is it, Alex?
I don't Tony. I don't know
what makes people friends.
Hey...
Look.
He kept them two phonies
he was trying to pass off
as George and Wanda.
Poor little guys.
I wonder if they know
their days are numbered.
It's a dog's life.
He makes me so mad
I'd like to destroy
something of his.
Something that
he really cares about
so he'd know how I feel.
His lucky shirt.
Hey, Tony, don't.
The one he wears
to all his auditions.
Tony, you're going
to regret this...
I'm ripping off a sleeve.
No, no, don't...
don't... don't!
Hey, man, let me go!
I can't.
I knew you couldn't.
Gee, I just remembered--
it's my shirt.
You know, even if it wasn't my
shirt, man,
I couldn't have done it anyway.
I mean, it's like you said--
a guy can do what he can do, and
he can't do what he can't do,
so if a guy doesn't do
what he can't do,
what are you going to do?
I said that?
( laughter )
( clears throat )
Hey, what are you guys
doing here?
What are we doing here?
You begged me to have Tony
come over here
so you two
could sit down...
Oh, no.
Oh, no... was that tonight?
Oh, geez, Tony,
I'm really sorry.
How can I do this?
I'll tell you how.
Because you are irresponsible,
inconsiderate, undependable...
Maybe I should leave.
No, no, no,
Dominique, listen...
Would you mind
just waiting in the bedroom?
Open the door,
down the hall...
it's nice to see
you again, Tony.
Yeah. How's your cousin?
She had
any good fights lately?
No, not lately.
See you.
Where was I?
"Undependable."
Right!
Undependable, selfish,
insensitive...
Hey, Alex?
Huh?
Don't be so hard on him.
He don't mean it.
He just forgets.
How can you defend him?
He killed
your fish!
I murdered George and Wendy.
George and Wanda!
Wanda! The least you could do is
get their names straight! Wanda!
Wanda...
Wanda.
Don't be so hard on him.
People are what they are.
You said it.
Yeah, and I'm damn mad and
that's the way I am!
And not just at him
because you're just as
much to blame as he is.
I mean, it's not as if
you didn't know
how irresponsible he was.
But you put your fish
in the hands of a man
who can't even feed himself
half the time!
Are you saying I had something
to do with killing my own fish?
That's right!
Hey, that's a crummy remark,
man.
I think you should
take that back...
Take it back? Why?
It's true!
What are you talking about?
I didn't kill my own fish.
You know him!
Don't you?
How can you possibly
put your fish in the...
( all arguing )
What do you want?!
Listen, it's me
you're mad at, remember?
Yeah.
( Alex chuckles )
It's... it's... it's...
( Alex chuckling )
( all chuckling )
Wendy, Wanda.
Oh...
I love you guys.
I can't believe this.
Hey, listen.
Grab your coats.
I'm going to take you out
for a steak dinner tonight.
Steak and Lowenbrau--
just like the commercial.
Wheeler...
You're a genius.
Yeah.
And after dinner,
I know this scalper.
He's going to get us three
tickets to the Knicks' game.
Okay? Let's go.
Let's go.
Oh, my God.
Huh?
( stammering )
Oh.
Oh.
I'm... just going to
have to tell Dominique
that I'm spending the
evening with you guys.
Hey, listen, Bobby...
No, no, no, Alex...
Alex, this is very
important to me.
Now I said
we're going out tonight
and I'm sticking to it.
I got to stop
letting people down like this.
From now on,
when I say something
I'm going to do it,
and that's that!
Hey, Bobby,
that's really great...
No, no, no, man...
I said we're going out
and we're going.
and we're going to have
a great time too.
Just give me a second.
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
( sighs )
That was funny.
( both chuckling )
Oh, boy.
( whistling )
Hey!
( whistles )
( mumbling )
Hey, Alex,
I got to do something.
No, no, Tony, don't!
There you go, guys.
Hey, can I have your attention,
please, ladies and gentlemen?
I have a presentation to make.
For my best friend, Tony.
For me?
That's the most beautiful
thing I ever saw.
He got my fish mounted.
( theme music playing )
WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.
( grunts )
Huh?
Louie.
Listen, I have a bad cavity
in my tooth.
So is it okay if I leave early
and go to the dentist?
The dentist.
Yeah.
That reminds
me of a story I
heard yesterday.
Yeah?
This guy goes
into the dentist's office
and he says to the nurse,
he says, "Nurse, me and my wife
"are having
very bad sexual problems.
So could I please make
an appointment?"
So the nurse says, "Oh, sir,
you don't need a dentist.
You need a psychologist."
And he said, "No, no, nurse,
I need a dentist.
With my wife,
it's like pulling teeth."
So that means it's all right
to go to the dentist?
No, no, no way.
Okay, now get back
to work, Latka.
TONY:
Hey, fellas.
ELAINE:
Hi, Tony.
Did you have a good weekend?
Nah, I went on a blind date,
and I hate blind dates.
So what did you
go on one for?
Sort of a favor to Bobby.
See, he had
this really terrific date
with this really terrific girl,
and she had a cousin
who she didn't want
to leave home
so I had to go along.
Well, what do you mean
you had to go along?
Well, you know, Bobby's
sort of my best friend.
I couldn't let him down.
Well, why not? I mean, just
'cause he's your best friend
doesn't mean you have to do
everything he wants you to do.
Of course, it does.
That's exactly what it means.
When I was a kid, I had
this best friend, Bob McDaniel.
Whenever either one of us
needed anything,
the other would come a-running,
no matter what.
We even had a special call
we made up.
I still remember it.
Yak-yak-yak-a-bye.
Yak-a-bye.
Yak-a-bye.
Nobody panic.
Where is the yakabye?
No.
No, Latka. No Yakabye.
Oh, it's a false alarm?
Uh-huh.
It's okay, no Yakabye.
Hi, Latka.
Hello.
Oh, too bad--
you miss Yakabye drill.
Shucks.
Hey, so you really had
a good time on your date?
Oh, Alex, Dominique
is one terrific lady.
Yeah?
I haven't felt this way
about a girl in a long time.
Oh, that's terrific.
Hey, how about you, Tony?
How was your date?
I don't want
to talk about it.
Hey, what are you
talking about?
I thought you two
had a lot in common.
Why? 'Cause she wanted
to be a boxer?
I never want to see her again
especially in the ring--
I wouldn't have a chance.
Hey, Banta, telephone.
Hey, you guys
want to come over
to my house Sunday
and watch the big game?
Hey, hey,
that's an idea.
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm taking
the kids to the movies.
Oh, Suzanne and I
have plans too.
Hey, Latka, you want to watch
the football game
in my apartment?
Okay, thank you.
It's better than watching it
on television.
I'll explain it to him later.
Hey, guess what, guys!
I'm fighting tomorrow,
out of town.
Where you fighting?
I'm fighting in Scranton.
I'm fighting the state champ.
Hey, Pennsylvania's
supposed to be
a really tough boxing state,
isn't it?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm fighting the
state champ of New hampshire.
Do they have a lot of
middleweights in New Hampshire?
Three. The guy I'm fighting
just took the title away
from his father.
You're not just
fighting a champ--
you're fighting a whole dynasty.
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, I got to go to the gym,
pick up my stuff
cancel the paper.
Hey, Bobby,
will you feed my fish?
Uh, Tony, I...
I'll bring them
to your place.
Don't worry, man!
A pinch of food
every morning.
Yeah, but Tony, I don't know
anything about fish.
There's nothing to it, man.
Ten seconds a day.
Why don't you ask somebody else
to do it all right?
I'm asking you.
I do a lot of stuff for you.
Can't you do one little thing
for me?
All right,
give me your fish.
You're going to love them.
Now listen, make sure you feed
them every day
because me and my fish
go back a long way.
I mean almost four years.
I bought them with the purse
from my first big win-- $3.00.
Wow.
I got to go. See ya.
Get 'em, Tony!
So long, Tony.
Tony!
Oh...
Oh, my.
Oh, me, oh, my.
Oh, I don't know
what to do.
Oh, it's so bad.
Wait, wait.
Does that hurt that bad?
Yes.
This is bad?
Ow!
All right, all right,
go to the...
You better go to the dentist.
Oh, thank you very much.
You know, Louie, you know,
sometime people talk about you.
They say bad things
about you.
They say that you
are cheap and mean
and cruel and nasty.
( doorbell ringing )
ALEX:
Hey, Bobby,
you in there? Bobby?
He's not in there.
Wait a minute, he usually leaves
the key out here somewhere.
Ah, ah, there it is.
I guess he must have
gone out for a while.
Hey, Latka, why don't
you put the game on,
and I'll stick this
in the fridge.
Okay.
I hope he went out
to shop.
There's only a loaf
of old bread in here.
We could have beer and toast.
No, thank you.
I'm trying to watch my babas.
Hey, there he is.
Come on, Bobby, you're
going to miss the kickoff.
Hey, you just getting in?
Yeah.
You devil.
No, it really wasn't like that.
Dominique and I spent
the whole night talking.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she told me
her life story, man.
What a great girl!
You know,
she turned down Warren Beatty.
Imagine that.
Me and Warren being
turned down by the same girl.
Hey, you guys want some toast?
ALEX:
Hey, come on, Bobby
you're going to miss
a great game.
You like football,
Latka?
Well, you know, this football
is very confusing.
What's confusing?
Well, you see, because this team
here is called the Giants,
but they are not bigger
than the other team.
And also, this team
is called the Redskins,
but they are almost all black.
( phone ringing )
Hello?
Yeah... hey, it's Tony.
Hey, wow, how you doing?
Hey, let me talk.
Here's Alex.
Hey, Tony, how you doing?
Yeah, how's Scranton?
Oh, you took your camera,
that's great.
Yeah, what?
Really? And they're staying
at your hotel?
Who? Who?
The Platters.
Hey, Tony, are those
the original Platters?
Oh, just one cousin?
Yeah, okay...
Hey, listen, Tony--
drop that guy, you hear me?
Drop him!
Yeah, okay.
No, here's Bob.
So, champ, how you feeling?
Yeah, yeah, the fish are fine.
Yeah, the two of them.
Look, you just worry
about the fight, okay?
All right, now, listen
the three of us
are really pulling for you, man.
Okay, the five of us
are really pulling for you.
Okay, now you do good, all
right?
All right, all right,
come home a winner.
All right, bye-bye.
What a crazy guy.
Yeah. Hey, Bobby, you're
missing a great game here.
I'll be there.
ALEX:
Oh, look
at that catch.
Hey, Bobby, come here.
You can see the replay.
You know, in my country,
they don't have instant replay.
They just make them
do it over again.
That Tony, it's the biggest
fight of his career
and he's worrying
about two dumb fish.
Man, how can anybody care
about these things?
Two little nothings.
Just floating around
on their backs.
They do move their fins,
you know, Bob?
Uh-uh, not these.
They're just lying there.
Bobby, did you feed
those fish today?
How could I?
I was busy.
You know, I just got home.
Don't worry about it.
I'll feed them now.
I don't want
to go over there.
Will you look at that?
They're not even hungry.
Come on,
roll over and eat.
Come on!
Oh, my God!
What?
They're dead, Bobby.
They're dead.
Well, I guess it was
just their time, huh?
Their time?
Both of them, together?
I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe it was one of those
murder-suicide things.
What's Bobby
going to do?
I don't know.
He just said stall Tony
until he gets here.
Those fish really meant
a lot to Tony.
He's going
to be heartbroken.
I love it.
Now, listen, Louie--
this is a very
sensitive situation.
When Tony comes in
if I hear you say one word,
like...
Bobby killed your fish.
That's right.
Hey, what's happening, guys?
Nothing.
Oh, hi, Tony.
Hey, how was the fight?
Oh, I lost.
It's all right, Elaine.
The guy told me I gave him
a much better fight
than his old man.
Hey, so, where's Bobby?
Huh, Bobby?
He's... uh... he called.
He's going to be a little late.
So, how was Scranton?
Man, was it cold.
Half the time
I was frozen stiff.
Speaking of stiffs...
So...
What have you got in the bag?
Oh, wait till you see.
It's a little castle.
Oh.
I bought it for my fish.
You know, I think they can swim
in and out.
I thought I'd surprise them.
They're going
to love it, Tony.
You see? It's got "Scranton"
on it and everything.
You know
I know it may seem
a little weird
to care about them
the way I do,
but I mean, to me,
them fish are like symbols.
I mean, of, like, survival.
If them little fish
can survive in this world
than so can I.
You know what I mean?
I can't wait
to see them again.
Hey, Alex, you saw
them yesterday.
How did they look?
Peaceful.
Yeah, they're so easy-going.
Hey, I'm going to put
this stuff away.
I'll be back.
Somebody has got to tell
him soon, for my sake.
Boy, I'm really glad
I'm not Bobby.
It's going to break
the guy's heart.
This is great.
Is he here yet?
Where have you been?
I had to go to four stores
before I could find
two that matched exactly.
ELAINE:
I just hope
this works.
Hey, Bobby.
Yeah, it's Bobby.
Look at that.
Hey, Tony, how'd the fight go?
Oh, I lost.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey...
They look great, huh?
Yeah.
Healthy, strong, happy, huh?
Oh, gee, thanks, Bobby.
Oh, forget it.
No, I mean it.
I really love these guys.
I hope they get along
with my fish.
Hey, where are they?
Tony?
Yeah.
Uh, I-I-I-I got to tell you
something.
What's that, Bob?
Um, your fish...
uh, they didn't make it.
What?
Tony, I forgot to feed them
yesterday
and when I came home
they were...
My fish?
Listen, I'd give anything
if it didn't happen, man.
My fish are dead.
Look, I know
it doesn't help much
but I think they went
in their sleep.
Where are they now?
Did you flush them?
I wouldn't do that, Tony.
No, man.
I saved them for you.
I got them right here.
You killed my fish.
Hey, Tony, listen...
if you want to slug me...
just not in the face.
I got an audition.
I don't want
to slug you, Bobby.
I don't want to have
nothing to do with you, friend.
Hey, Tony,
what did you book?
He booked 90, fish killer.
Hey, buddy, you need
a quarter? I got it.
Hey, Tone, I got these two
tickets to the Islanders' game.
I know how you really...
Oh, he's
really grieving.
I remember when our dog
Bootsie died.
I was devastated
for years.
How many?
So far... 12.
You know, Alex,
this is really too much.
I mean, I know
I made a mistake--
A big mistake.
I mean, I really feel lousy
about what happened
to Tony's fish.
I mean I hate myself
when I do things like that--
forgetting things,
not coming through for people,
but jeez, how many times
do I have to apologize?
Now, if he doesn't
want to be my friend,
well, that's fine with me.
That's great, that's great.
It's over. Who needs him?
You want me to talk to him?
Would you, please?
Yeah.
Listen, why don't you tell
him to come over to my place
and we'll sit down,
have some beers,
and spend the evening together
and talk it out, okay?
Okay.
Oh, would you come with him?
Yeah.
Hey, Tony.
Hey, Al.
Listen,
Bobby's really hurting.
He wants to patch it up.
What do you say?
I don't know, Alex.
I mean, he really let me down.
It's not just the fish.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
Well, look, he's really
sorry for what he did.
I mean, what could it hurt?
You two sit down,
talk it out...
Alex, I'm telling you--
he really let me down this time.
It ain't right.
I'm not going to let him
get away with it.
Look, he just wants you
to come over to his place
and talk about it, that's all.
Oh, yeah?
Give me one good reason
why I should.
Because I think the fish
would want it that way.
I guess you're right.
Hey, we're a little early.
He's probably
out buying food.
You know, this is
a first for Bobby.
When he comes to my place,
not only doesn't he bring stuff,
he usually takes stuff home.
Like once, he took a lamp.
That one.
Hey, there's a couple
of beers in here.
You want one?
Yeah.
I can't believe this guy.
He borrows stuff;
he never gives it back.
There's my dumbbells,
there's my football
and that's my clock.
Well, he doesn't mean
anything by it.
He's just forgetful.
That's the way he is.
Yeah, but that's what
I'm talking about.
I mean, you take Bobby--
he treats me creepy,
he ignores me
calls me stupid.
I mean, what do I like him for?
I mean, there are guys I don't
even like that treat me better.
One guy I hate
treats me almost as good.
I mean, what is it, Alex?
I don't Tony. I don't know
what makes people friends.
Hey...
Look.
He kept them two phonies
he was trying to pass off
as George and Wanda.
Poor little guys.
I wonder if they know
their days are numbered.
It's a dog's life.
He makes me so mad
I'd like to destroy
something of his.
Something that
he really cares about
so he'd know how I feel.
His lucky shirt.
Hey, Tony, don't.
The one he wears
to all his auditions.
Tony, you're going
to regret this...
I'm ripping off a sleeve.
No, no, don't...
don't... don't!
Hey, man, let me go!
I can't.
I knew you couldn't.
Gee, I just remembered--
it's my shirt.
You know, even if it wasn't my
shirt, man,
I couldn't have done it anyway.
I mean, it's like you said--
a guy can do what he can do, and
he can't do what he can't do,
so if a guy doesn't do
what he can't do,
what are you going to do?
I said that?
( laughter )
( clears throat )
Hey, what are you guys
doing here?
What are we doing here?
You begged me to have Tony
come over here
so you two
could sit down...
Oh, no.
Oh, no... was that tonight?
Oh, geez, Tony,
I'm really sorry.
How can I do this?
I'll tell you how.
Because you are irresponsible,
inconsiderate, undependable...
Maybe I should leave.
No, no, no,
Dominique, listen...
Would you mind
just waiting in the bedroom?
Open the door,
down the hall...
it's nice to see
you again, Tony.
Yeah. How's your cousin?
She had
any good fights lately?
No, not lately.
See you.
Where was I?
"Undependable."
Right!
Undependable, selfish,
insensitive...
Hey, Alex?
Huh?
Don't be so hard on him.
He don't mean it.
He just forgets.
How can you defend him?
He killed
your fish!
I murdered George and Wendy.
George and Wanda!
Wanda! The least you could do is
get their names straight! Wanda!
Wanda...
Wanda.
Don't be so hard on him.
People are what they are.
You said it.
Yeah, and I'm damn mad and
that's the way I am!
And not just at him
because you're just as
much to blame as he is.
I mean, it's not as if
you didn't know
how irresponsible he was.
But you put your fish
in the hands of a man
who can't even feed himself
half the time!
Are you saying I had something
to do with killing my own fish?
That's right!
Hey, that's a crummy remark,
man.
I think you should
take that back...
Take it back? Why?
It's true!
What are you talking about?
I didn't kill my own fish.
You know him!
Don't you?
How can you possibly
put your fish in the...
( all arguing )
What do you want?!
Listen, it's me
you're mad at, remember?
Yeah.
( Alex chuckles )
It's... it's... it's...
( Alex chuckling )
( all chuckling )
Wendy, Wanda.
Oh...
I love you guys.
I can't believe this.
Hey, listen.
Grab your coats.
I'm going to take you out
for a steak dinner tonight.
Steak and Lowenbrau--
just like the commercial.
Wheeler...
You're a genius.
Yeah.
And after dinner,
I know this scalper.
He's going to get us three
tickets to the Knicks' game.
Okay? Let's go.
Let's go.
Oh, my God.
Huh?
( stammering )
Oh.
Oh.
I'm... just going to
have to tell Dominique
that I'm spending the
evening with you guys.
Hey, listen, Bobby...
No, no, no, Alex...
Alex, this is very
important to me.
Now I said
we're going out tonight
and I'm sticking to it.
I got to stop
letting people down like this.
From now on,
when I say something
I'm going to do it,
and that's that!
Hey, Bobby,
that's really great...
No, no, no, man...
I said we're going out
and we're going.
and we're going to have
a great time too.
Just give me a second.
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
( sighs )
That was funny.
( both chuckling )
Oh, boy.
( whistling )
Hey!
( whistles )
( mumbling )
Hey, Alex,
I got to do something.
No, no, Tony, don't!
There you go, guys.
Hey, can I have your attention,
please, ladies and gentlemen?
I have a presentation to make.
For my best friend, Tony.
For me?
That's the most beautiful
thing I ever saw.
He got my fish mounted.
( theme music playing )
WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.
( grunts )