Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 14 - Sugar Mama - full transcript
Alex befriends a wealthy elderly lady who pays him to take her around the city.
( theme music playing )
Louie, this is Rieger in 264.
Just dropped off a fare from
the airport at 79th and Park.
LOUIE:
Got it.
By the way, Rieger,
better be on the lookout.
It's a full moon.
You know what that means.
Every creep in this city
will be out tonight.
Well, be sure to wear a jacket,
Louie, it's getting chilly.
You think you're a real
Jan Murray, don't you, Rieger?
WOMAN:
Taxi!
Louie, I got a fare.
Get back to you.
Taxi!
Shea stadium, please.
There's no game tonight.
I didn't ask for
the schedule, thank you.
WOMAN:
Oh, that's Shea stadium, huh?
ALEX:
That's it.
You call that a ballpark?
Well, it looks better
with the lights on.
Old Ebbets field looked good
even in the dark.
Lady, I didn't build
the place, I just...
Well, never mind, never mind.
Just take me
to La Guardia airport.
I know a place
at the end of one the runways
where the big ones
come down so close
the lights shine
right in the window
and you can hear them
lower their landing gear,
they come down so close.
Hey, full moon...
( engine roars )
That's the closest one
yet, Alex.
Yeah, I think he left
some rubber on the roof.
I like you.
Most cab drivers want to talk.
They do nothing
but ask me questions all night.
I know what you mean.
Do you do this often?
Oop! That was
a question, I'm sorry.
Aw, that's okay.
I do it every once
in a while.
I love New York City.
I've lived here
all my life.
I was at Woolworth's
35 years.
You should have used
the express line.
( laughing )
Got you
that time, huh?
I was a clerk
on the candy counter.
Oh.
Say, why don't we drive past
the store I used to work at,
then you can take a look at it?
Is it on our way?
Everything is on our way.
Let's go.
( horns honking )
Well, here's
where I call home.
I had a very nice time.
You know something?
So did I.
Yeah.
Well, why don't
you pick me up here
tomorrow night,
say about 6:00-ish?
Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, I check into
the garage around 5:00, 5:30,
and I never know how
long I have to wait
for the day driver
to bring in a cab
I can use.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, maybe I'll see
you again sometime.
For sure.
How much do I owe you
for the trip tonight?
Well, I warned you
it was going to be high.
Uh... $74.25.
Here. Would you
stop worrying?
Believe me,
I'm comfortable.
In fact, I'm filthy comfortable.
On a Woolworth's pension?
( chuckles )
No, you see, Alex,
when I was young,
girls my age were supposed
to get married,
but something told me not to,
so I didn't,
and then I went to work instead.
Just a few months
before I was retiring,
I met this very wealthy man.
He asked me to marry him, and,
uh, something told me to accept.
Four months after
the wedding, he died
and he left me
everything.
There's a moral
in there somewhere.
Well, thank you, ma'am,
it was very nice.
Yes. Now, I'd
like to give you
a really
good tip, Alex.
What's the best tip
you ever got?
Well, a guy gave me $25 once.
Yeah.
Well...
here's $26.
Congratulations, Alex,
you set a new record.
Well, thank you. I couldn't have
done it without you.
Yeah.
Hey, let me
help you out.
Forget it.
TONY:
Hey, Lou--
Hey, Lou, how about
putting me in one of
them clean cabs?
Man, you're always
sticking me in pigpens.
Oh, yeah,
I know what you mean.
You want me
to explain it to you?
Yeah.
You got a minute?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Come here.
You see, it's like this:
I don't give a rat's corpse
whether you get
a clean cab or not.
Oh... okay.
Thanks for
explaining it to me.
I enjoyed it.
It never fails,
you know?
Every full moon
I get people too crazy
for Bellevue.
My very first fare
last night
was a guy who introduces
himself as God.
Well, I had
an interesting night myself.
Yeah, I picked up, uh,
three drunks and a flasher
two transvestites...
Oh, yeah, and one guy
who thought
I was the most beautiful
woman in the world.
Just crazies like that shouldn't
be allowed out on the streets.
Hey!
TONY:
Yo, Alex!
ALEX:
Yo, ho, ho.
Hey, Alex, did you get any
full moon crazies last night?
No, I lucked out.
I got this very
charming old lady
who just wanted to
drive around and talk.
Oh, yeah?
You drove around
all night and talked?
She tipped me 26 bucks.
For 26 bucks
I'd drive around
and sing "You
Light Up My Life."
I know.
I'm eating.
( giggles )
So you are.
No... I mean, I'm eating.
ELAINE:
What are you
talking about?
Well, last night I picked up
a couple of rock musicians,
and I think I'm still
on my contact high.
I've had guys smoke
powerful stuff
in the back seat before,
but nothing like this.
Come on, you still
can't be high.
Oh, I hope I am, because
the only thing I can think about
is the fact that my hair
is growing all the time.
( laughter )
I'd kill for a Twinkie.
Oh, Alex,
there you are.
Hey, Dee, what
are you doing here?
Oh, these must be
your friends.
Don't tell me
who they are.
I want to guess.
Uh, oh, you must
be Elaine.
Yeah!
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
I really admire
you working two jobs,
raising children.
That must be hard.
Yeah, it gets tough
sometimes, you know?
But I got to
a point in my life
where I decided I
either had to do
this for myself
or... Alex, who am I
spilling my guts out to?
I'm sorry,
this is Dee Wilcox,
the lady I drove
around last night.
Your names came up
in the conversation.
I feel I know you all.
I feel I like you all.
Whoever brought her in,
get her out.
I bet you're Louie.
Am I right?
Sell it someplace
else, sister.
I am right.
Alex, I got the perfect
solution to our problem.
What problem?
Whenever I want
to ride with you
I'll catch a cab here.
No, Dee, this is crazy.
You know, sometimes I have
to wait an hour
before Louie
gives me a cab.
Oh!
Banta! Come over here.
142-- immaculate.
Don't say I never
done nothing for you.
Uh, Mr. De Palma,
if I tipped you $5,
would you consider, uh...
Hey, Tony, get out of there!
Get... get out, come on.
Rieger!
What?
You got 142, come on.
Come on, get in,
get in.
Taxi!
Old age is a funny thing.
I woke up this morning,
found myself wanting blue hair.
Well, don't rush
into anything, Dee.
All right,
I'll think about it.
Did I tell you
how I met George?
Your husband?
No, I don't think
you mentioned that.
He came up to me
at the counter
where I was working,
and he said,
"I want a box of candy
"for the most beautiful girl
that I've ever seen.
What would you recommend?"
I gave him
some milk chocolate-covered
maraschino cherries
wrapped in a heart-shaped box.
He bought it
and he handed it to me.
Pretty slick, huh?
That's terrific,
you know?
Yeah.
It's too bad you
two didn't have
enough time together.
Yeah.
Well...
I miss George's crapola.
You know,
it must be very strange
after a lifetime
on a limited budget
to be rich all of a sudden.
Oh, I felt
very uncomfortable at first.
I was trying to live the
same old way I'd always lived,
be the same old Dee
I'd always been.
And then one day I went shopping
in Bloomingdale's.
I had a terrible time
deciding what hat to buy.
Suddenly I said to myself,
"What the hell, buy them all!"
And that was
the day I decided
being poor was best left
to people with no money.
( horns honking )
Another wonderful evening.
Yeah.
Here's your fare.
What did I give you
for a tip last night?
Let's break a new record.
Oh, come on, please,
let's not break a new record.
Oh, now, Dee
I am not going
to take $100 from you.
Now, look right at me.
I'm not taking
$100 from you.
Oh, please don't say no.
Makes me feel patronized.
Okay.
You win, I lose.
So why don't I feel worse?
Well, maybe money doesn't
mean that much to me.
What's important to me
is what I can buy
with my money:
Nice food, nice clothes,
nice people.
See you tomorrow, huh?
Hey, Alex!
You picking up the old
lady again tonight?
Yes, if you mean Dee, I am.
Listen, this Dee doesn't
have a sister, does she?
Would you believe it?
These guys have been picking up
old ladies
all over the city looking
for a setup like yours.
It's not a setup, John.
She's just a customer.
Customer-- she's
the mother lode.
You know, Alex, when I
first got this job,
everyone told me
that the best fares
were in the upper 80s.
I thought they were
talking about streets.
LOUIE:
Rieger!
An anonymous donor
just called
and said she wants
to reupholster your cab.
I wonder who it
could have been.
( laughing )
Did Mommy Warbucks
raise your allowance?
That broad is older
than the continental shelf!
Her age would make
a good bowling score!
"Oh, Alex, be a dear
and take the kitty out
for a wee-wee."
( hysterical laughter
breaks into coughing )
Hey, Louie, Louie,
take a quick gulp of this.
Thank you.
That's hot coffee!
( laughing )
DEE:
I have a little surprise
for you.
Oh, what's that?
It's a gift.
Oh, that's really
nice of you, Dee,
but I really can't
accept gifts from you.
I mean, it's...
it's just not right.
Would you accept it if it was
for your birthday?
Well, yeah, I guess,
if it was my birthday.
Well, Happy Birthday,
early or late,
however you want
to call it.
Oh, Dee!
That's really
a very nice sport coat.
It's cashmere.
Look, Dee, I'm
really feeling weird
about driving you around
at night, you know?
I mean, it's strange,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, you're right,
it is strange.
Why don't I drive you tonight?
No, no, that's not
what I'm talking...
Whoa! Oh,
here's the place!
Oh.
"The Enchanted
Island Ballroom."
Yeah, I've got to meet
some friends of mine here.
They're going to a dance.
I've got to show up.
Uh, now, uh, would
you, uh, wait for me?
I, uh, shouldn't be
more than two or three hours.
Two or three hours!
Well, uh, how about
if I come back?
Oh, no, wait.
Say, why don't
you just come in?
Come on, Dee, you have
to be kidding.
No! Nobody even knows you
and it's lovely
and warm in there
and there's plenty
to eat and drink.
You can listen
to the music.
No, no, I think
I'd feel out
of place, thank you.
Oh, they wouldn't
notice you, dear.
Look, I'm not dressed.
Oh, sure, nothing
could be dressier
than a cashmere jacket.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Well, I think
I'd need a tie.
Oh, yeah.
Merry Christmas.
( orchestra plays
fox-trot music )
Listen, Dee, I'll be
waiting over there.
When you want to leave,
come get me, okay?
Aw, no, come on
and visit a little.
Dee, I don't know
anybody here.
Oh, sure you do.
Uh, there's, uh,
Emily Simmons
the one I told you
had 37 grandchildren.
Oh, yeah.
And there's
Mary Trueworthy.
She's in DAR.
And, uh, there's the gal
I told you had three facelifts.
Bertha Farris.
That's her.
My God, I know
everybody here.
Look, you see
that man over there
with the,
uh, gray hair?
Are you kidding?
Oh, dear.
I mean... I mean the one
with the white carnation
in his lapel.
Oh.
That's Weldon Manning.
Oh, yeah, I heard
you mention him.
Yeah. I've had my eye
on him for a long time.
I'm bringing him
along slowly.
You may not see
any smoke,
but I happen to know
there's a fire
in that furnace.
Oh, he's coming over here.
Hello, Dee.
Weldon, I didn't know
you were coming tonight.
You look lovely
tonight, Dee.
May I have the honor
of this dance?
Oh, certainly.
Would you excuse us, Alex?
Yes, certainly.
Thank you.
I'll just be over here
holding up the wall.
That's a cutie
you're with tonight.
Excuse me?
Oh. I'm with the one over
there, with the fox stole.
That's the only thing
foxy about her.
Yeah, that's too bad.
Well, my Maserati
needs a tune-up,
and sometimes it's hard
to make ends meet, you know?
Yeah. I wonder
when the government
will get around
to socialized
Maserati tune-ups?
Yes!
Do you drive
one yourself?
No.
Actually I drive
a different car
every night.
Hey, ?bueno!
?Mucho mejor!
Sometimes I wonder whether
it's all worth it--
you know, spending hours
under the sun lamp,
visiting the hair stylist
four times a week
doing pushups, situps,
day after day...
Aw, a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.
Yes.
By the way, they, uh...
they call me Ramon.
Oh.
Call me, uh, Tandalayo.
Hey, Tandalayo, are
you new on the circuit?
Well, actually, Ramon,
I'm not on the circuit.
I'm just here
with a friend.
You mean you're dating
grandma for nothing?
Now, look, Ramon,
in the first place,
she's not a grandma,
in the second place,
we're not dating
and in the third place,
she's just a friend of mine.
Hey, you're sensitive--
they like that.
You will do well.
Oh, excuse me, my lady
just got out a cigarette.
Duty calls, you know.
Yup.
I like your tie.
Thanks. I like your ribs.
Hey, thank you.
Hey, Alex...
I'm afraid I have to spend
most of the evening with Weldon.
Well, he seems
like a nice man.
Yes, but, we can still have
one dance, can't we?
I'd be charmed.
Wasn't it great?
Yeah, great.
Aw, lighten up
a little.
For a young guy,
you can be a real
drip sometimes.
I won the Rhumba
contest, didn't I?
Uh, no, I won
the Rhumba contest.
I was carrying you.
Dee, I didn't ask
to go to that dance.
Oh, well next time, try to get
into the spirit of the thing.
I'm not going to any more
dances, please.
Oh, you just felt
self-conscious
because your coat
is too small for you.
Next time I'll get you
a white suit like
that guy Ramon had.
Dee, Dee, I think it's time
we called a halt
to this whole arrangement.
What do you mean?
We can't go on seeing
each other like this.
We can't?
No!
I mean, look,
it's okay, I...
we can see each other
once in a while,
but, please,
no more money.
I can't handle it,
please.
No more money, okay?
I guess it's good-bye.
What?
Wouldn't be the same
without the money.
What are you talking about?
Well, money may not
mean that much to you
but to me, it ranks
right up there with oxygen.
It's the best way there is
of dealing with people.
What about friendship?
Well, next time you go
into a restaurant
you tell the Maitre d'
if he gives you a good table,
you'll be his buddy.
Well, then, give your money
to Maitre d's and waitresses,
somebody who wants it.
But you don't have
to give me money, Dee.
No, I know that
but it wouldn't be
the same without money.
I wouldn't be able
to trust you.
You'd be more casual
about calling.
You wouldn't be on time.
Money makes people punctual.
I know people gave their
whole lives to their children.
Those children don't
even come to see them.
If I had any kids,
you can bet your buttons
I would put them on my payroll,
and they'd come to see me.
Especially on payday.
Aw, come on, don't
let's argue, Alex.
I had a wonderful
time tonight.
Here, come and pick me up
tomorrow at 4:00.
I'm having my hair done.
Damn it!
You are the most...
Never mind.
What?
No, it's better
I don't say anything.
No, say what you were thinking.
I'm old enough
to take it.
Okay, you want to hear
what I'm thinking?
I'll tell you
what I'm thinking.
I think this whole
arrangement stinks.
I have never felt
so used in all my life.
You know, I thought
that you really liked me.
I thought we were friends.
But that wasn't
what you had in mind, was it?
I was just
a piece of merchandise.
Why do I sound
like Joan Crawford?
Aw, don't stop,
it was just starting to be fun.
Well, it may be fun for you
but it's not fun for me.
I really don't enjoy being
with people I don't like.
And I... I don't
like you anymore.
Horse manure, you love me.
( chuckling )
Yeah, I guess I do.
Can we still have
lunch together?
Okay, but only
if I pay.
Aw, you're sweet, Alex.
I just hope my stomach
can take those dumps
you can afford.
( theme music playing )
WOMAN:
Good night,
Mr. Walters.
( grunts )
Louie, this is Rieger in 264.
Just dropped off a fare from
the airport at 79th and Park.
LOUIE:
Got it.
By the way, Rieger,
better be on the lookout.
It's a full moon.
You know what that means.
Every creep in this city
will be out tonight.
Well, be sure to wear a jacket,
Louie, it's getting chilly.
You think you're a real
Jan Murray, don't you, Rieger?
WOMAN:
Taxi!
Louie, I got a fare.
Get back to you.
Taxi!
Shea stadium, please.
There's no game tonight.
I didn't ask for
the schedule, thank you.
WOMAN:
Oh, that's Shea stadium, huh?
ALEX:
That's it.
You call that a ballpark?
Well, it looks better
with the lights on.
Old Ebbets field looked good
even in the dark.
Lady, I didn't build
the place, I just...
Well, never mind, never mind.
Just take me
to La Guardia airport.
I know a place
at the end of one the runways
where the big ones
come down so close
the lights shine
right in the window
and you can hear them
lower their landing gear,
they come down so close.
Hey, full moon...
( engine roars )
That's the closest one
yet, Alex.
Yeah, I think he left
some rubber on the roof.
I like you.
Most cab drivers want to talk.
They do nothing
but ask me questions all night.
I know what you mean.
Do you do this often?
Oop! That was
a question, I'm sorry.
Aw, that's okay.
I do it every once
in a while.
I love New York City.
I've lived here
all my life.
I was at Woolworth's
35 years.
You should have used
the express line.
( laughing )
Got you
that time, huh?
I was a clerk
on the candy counter.
Oh.
Say, why don't we drive past
the store I used to work at,
then you can take a look at it?
Is it on our way?
Everything is on our way.
Let's go.
( horns honking )
Well, here's
where I call home.
I had a very nice time.
You know something?
So did I.
Yeah.
Well, why don't
you pick me up here
tomorrow night,
say about 6:00-ish?
Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, I check into
the garage around 5:00, 5:30,
and I never know how
long I have to wait
for the day driver
to bring in a cab
I can use.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, maybe I'll see
you again sometime.
For sure.
How much do I owe you
for the trip tonight?
Well, I warned you
it was going to be high.
Uh... $74.25.
Here. Would you
stop worrying?
Believe me,
I'm comfortable.
In fact, I'm filthy comfortable.
On a Woolworth's pension?
( chuckles )
No, you see, Alex,
when I was young,
girls my age were supposed
to get married,
but something told me not to,
so I didn't,
and then I went to work instead.
Just a few months
before I was retiring,
I met this very wealthy man.
He asked me to marry him, and,
uh, something told me to accept.
Four months after
the wedding, he died
and he left me
everything.
There's a moral
in there somewhere.
Well, thank you, ma'am,
it was very nice.
Yes. Now, I'd
like to give you
a really
good tip, Alex.
What's the best tip
you ever got?
Well, a guy gave me $25 once.
Yeah.
Well...
here's $26.
Congratulations, Alex,
you set a new record.
Well, thank you. I couldn't have
done it without you.
Yeah.
Hey, let me
help you out.
Forget it.
TONY:
Hey, Lou--
Hey, Lou, how about
putting me in one of
them clean cabs?
Man, you're always
sticking me in pigpens.
Oh, yeah,
I know what you mean.
You want me
to explain it to you?
Yeah.
You got a minute?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Come here.
You see, it's like this:
I don't give a rat's corpse
whether you get
a clean cab or not.
Oh... okay.
Thanks for
explaining it to me.
I enjoyed it.
It never fails,
you know?
Every full moon
I get people too crazy
for Bellevue.
My very first fare
last night
was a guy who introduces
himself as God.
Well, I had
an interesting night myself.
Yeah, I picked up, uh,
three drunks and a flasher
two transvestites...
Oh, yeah, and one guy
who thought
I was the most beautiful
woman in the world.
Just crazies like that shouldn't
be allowed out on the streets.
Hey!
TONY:
Yo, Alex!
ALEX:
Yo, ho, ho.
Hey, Alex, did you get any
full moon crazies last night?
No, I lucked out.
I got this very
charming old lady
who just wanted to
drive around and talk.
Oh, yeah?
You drove around
all night and talked?
She tipped me 26 bucks.
For 26 bucks
I'd drive around
and sing "You
Light Up My Life."
I know.
I'm eating.
( giggles )
So you are.
No... I mean, I'm eating.
ELAINE:
What are you
talking about?
Well, last night I picked up
a couple of rock musicians,
and I think I'm still
on my contact high.
I've had guys smoke
powerful stuff
in the back seat before,
but nothing like this.
Come on, you still
can't be high.
Oh, I hope I am, because
the only thing I can think about
is the fact that my hair
is growing all the time.
( laughter )
I'd kill for a Twinkie.
Oh, Alex,
there you are.
Hey, Dee, what
are you doing here?
Oh, these must be
your friends.
Don't tell me
who they are.
I want to guess.
Uh, oh, you must
be Elaine.
Yeah!
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
I really admire
you working two jobs,
raising children.
That must be hard.
Yeah, it gets tough
sometimes, you know?
But I got to
a point in my life
where I decided I
either had to do
this for myself
or... Alex, who am I
spilling my guts out to?
I'm sorry,
this is Dee Wilcox,
the lady I drove
around last night.
Your names came up
in the conversation.
I feel I know you all.
I feel I like you all.
Whoever brought her in,
get her out.
I bet you're Louie.
Am I right?
Sell it someplace
else, sister.
I am right.
Alex, I got the perfect
solution to our problem.
What problem?
Whenever I want
to ride with you
I'll catch a cab here.
No, Dee, this is crazy.
You know, sometimes I have
to wait an hour
before Louie
gives me a cab.
Oh!
Banta! Come over here.
142-- immaculate.
Don't say I never
done nothing for you.
Uh, Mr. De Palma,
if I tipped you $5,
would you consider, uh...
Hey, Tony, get out of there!
Get... get out, come on.
Rieger!
What?
You got 142, come on.
Come on, get in,
get in.
Taxi!
Old age is a funny thing.
I woke up this morning,
found myself wanting blue hair.
Well, don't rush
into anything, Dee.
All right,
I'll think about it.
Did I tell you
how I met George?
Your husband?
No, I don't think
you mentioned that.
He came up to me
at the counter
where I was working,
and he said,
"I want a box of candy
"for the most beautiful girl
that I've ever seen.
What would you recommend?"
I gave him
some milk chocolate-covered
maraschino cherries
wrapped in a heart-shaped box.
He bought it
and he handed it to me.
Pretty slick, huh?
That's terrific,
you know?
Yeah.
It's too bad you
two didn't have
enough time together.
Yeah.
Well...
I miss George's crapola.
You know,
it must be very strange
after a lifetime
on a limited budget
to be rich all of a sudden.
Oh, I felt
very uncomfortable at first.
I was trying to live the
same old way I'd always lived,
be the same old Dee
I'd always been.
And then one day I went shopping
in Bloomingdale's.
I had a terrible time
deciding what hat to buy.
Suddenly I said to myself,
"What the hell, buy them all!"
And that was
the day I decided
being poor was best left
to people with no money.
( horns honking )
Another wonderful evening.
Yeah.
Here's your fare.
What did I give you
for a tip last night?
Let's break a new record.
Oh, come on, please,
let's not break a new record.
Oh, now, Dee
I am not going
to take $100 from you.
Now, look right at me.
I'm not taking
$100 from you.
Oh, please don't say no.
Makes me feel patronized.
Okay.
You win, I lose.
So why don't I feel worse?
Well, maybe money doesn't
mean that much to me.
What's important to me
is what I can buy
with my money:
Nice food, nice clothes,
nice people.
See you tomorrow, huh?
Hey, Alex!
You picking up the old
lady again tonight?
Yes, if you mean Dee, I am.
Listen, this Dee doesn't
have a sister, does she?
Would you believe it?
These guys have been picking up
old ladies
all over the city looking
for a setup like yours.
It's not a setup, John.
She's just a customer.
Customer-- she's
the mother lode.
You know, Alex, when I
first got this job,
everyone told me
that the best fares
were in the upper 80s.
I thought they were
talking about streets.
LOUIE:
Rieger!
An anonymous donor
just called
and said she wants
to reupholster your cab.
I wonder who it
could have been.
( laughing )
Did Mommy Warbucks
raise your allowance?
That broad is older
than the continental shelf!
Her age would make
a good bowling score!
"Oh, Alex, be a dear
and take the kitty out
for a wee-wee."
( hysterical laughter
breaks into coughing )
Hey, Louie, Louie,
take a quick gulp of this.
Thank you.
That's hot coffee!
( laughing )
DEE:
I have a little surprise
for you.
Oh, what's that?
It's a gift.
Oh, that's really
nice of you, Dee,
but I really can't
accept gifts from you.
I mean, it's...
it's just not right.
Would you accept it if it was
for your birthday?
Well, yeah, I guess,
if it was my birthday.
Well, Happy Birthday,
early or late,
however you want
to call it.
Oh, Dee!
That's really
a very nice sport coat.
It's cashmere.
Look, Dee, I'm
really feeling weird
about driving you around
at night, you know?
I mean, it's strange,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, you're right,
it is strange.
Why don't I drive you tonight?
No, no, that's not
what I'm talking...
Whoa! Oh,
here's the place!
Oh.
"The Enchanted
Island Ballroom."
Yeah, I've got to meet
some friends of mine here.
They're going to a dance.
I've got to show up.
Uh, now, uh, would
you, uh, wait for me?
I, uh, shouldn't be
more than two or three hours.
Two or three hours!
Well, uh, how about
if I come back?
Oh, no, wait.
Say, why don't
you just come in?
Come on, Dee, you have
to be kidding.
No! Nobody even knows you
and it's lovely
and warm in there
and there's plenty
to eat and drink.
You can listen
to the music.
No, no, I think
I'd feel out
of place, thank you.
Oh, they wouldn't
notice you, dear.
Look, I'm not dressed.
Oh, sure, nothing
could be dressier
than a cashmere jacket.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Well, I think
I'd need a tie.
Oh, yeah.
Merry Christmas.
( orchestra plays
fox-trot music )
Listen, Dee, I'll be
waiting over there.
When you want to leave,
come get me, okay?
Aw, no, come on
and visit a little.
Dee, I don't know
anybody here.
Oh, sure you do.
Uh, there's, uh,
Emily Simmons
the one I told you
had 37 grandchildren.
Oh, yeah.
And there's
Mary Trueworthy.
She's in DAR.
And, uh, there's the gal
I told you had three facelifts.
Bertha Farris.
That's her.
My God, I know
everybody here.
Look, you see
that man over there
with the,
uh, gray hair?
Are you kidding?
Oh, dear.
I mean... I mean the one
with the white carnation
in his lapel.
Oh.
That's Weldon Manning.
Oh, yeah, I heard
you mention him.
Yeah. I've had my eye
on him for a long time.
I'm bringing him
along slowly.
You may not see
any smoke,
but I happen to know
there's a fire
in that furnace.
Oh, he's coming over here.
Hello, Dee.
Weldon, I didn't know
you were coming tonight.
You look lovely
tonight, Dee.
May I have the honor
of this dance?
Oh, certainly.
Would you excuse us, Alex?
Yes, certainly.
Thank you.
I'll just be over here
holding up the wall.
That's a cutie
you're with tonight.
Excuse me?
Oh. I'm with the one over
there, with the fox stole.
That's the only thing
foxy about her.
Yeah, that's too bad.
Well, my Maserati
needs a tune-up,
and sometimes it's hard
to make ends meet, you know?
Yeah. I wonder
when the government
will get around
to socialized
Maserati tune-ups?
Yes!
Do you drive
one yourself?
No.
Actually I drive
a different car
every night.
Hey, ?bueno!
?Mucho mejor!
Sometimes I wonder whether
it's all worth it--
you know, spending hours
under the sun lamp,
visiting the hair stylist
four times a week
doing pushups, situps,
day after day...
Aw, a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.
Yes.
By the way, they, uh...
they call me Ramon.
Oh.
Call me, uh, Tandalayo.
Hey, Tandalayo, are
you new on the circuit?
Well, actually, Ramon,
I'm not on the circuit.
I'm just here
with a friend.
You mean you're dating
grandma for nothing?
Now, look, Ramon,
in the first place,
she's not a grandma,
in the second place,
we're not dating
and in the third place,
she's just a friend of mine.
Hey, you're sensitive--
they like that.
You will do well.
Oh, excuse me, my lady
just got out a cigarette.
Duty calls, you know.
Yup.
I like your tie.
Thanks. I like your ribs.
Hey, thank you.
Hey, Alex...
I'm afraid I have to spend
most of the evening with Weldon.
Well, he seems
like a nice man.
Yes, but, we can still have
one dance, can't we?
I'd be charmed.
Wasn't it great?
Yeah, great.
Aw, lighten up
a little.
For a young guy,
you can be a real
drip sometimes.
I won the Rhumba
contest, didn't I?
Uh, no, I won
the Rhumba contest.
I was carrying you.
Dee, I didn't ask
to go to that dance.
Oh, well next time, try to get
into the spirit of the thing.
I'm not going to any more
dances, please.
Oh, you just felt
self-conscious
because your coat
is too small for you.
Next time I'll get you
a white suit like
that guy Ramon had.
Dee, Dee, I think it's time
we called a halt
to this whole arrangement.
What do you mean?
We can't go on seeing
each other like this.
We can't?
No!
I mean, look,
it's okay, I...
we can see each other
once in a while,
but, please,
no more money.
I can't handle it,
please.
No more money, okay?
I guess it's good-bye.
What?
Wouldn't be the same
without the money.
What are you talking about?
Well, money may not
mean that much to you
but to me, it ranks
right up there with oxygen.
It's the best way there is
of dealing with people.
What about friendship?
Well, next time you go
into a restaurant
you tell the Maitre d'
if he gives you a good table,
you'll be his buddy.
Well, then, give your money
to Maitre d's and waitresses,
somebody who wants it.
But you don't have
to give me money, Dee.
No, I know that
but it wouldn't be
the same without money.
I wouldn't be able
to trust you.
You'd be more casual
about calling.
You wouldn't be on time.
Money makes people punctual.
I know people gave their
whole lives to their children.
Those children don't
even come to see them.
If I had any kids,
you can bet your buttons
I would put them on my payroll,
and they'd come to see me.
Especially on payday.
Aw, come on, don't
let's argue, Alex.
I had a wonderful
time tonight.
Here, come and pick me up
tomorrow at 4:00.
I'm having my hair done.
Damn it!
You are the most...
Never mind.
What?
No, it's better
I don't say anything.
No, say what you were thinking.
I'm old enough
to take it.
Okay, you want to hear
what I'm thinking?
I'll tell you
what I'm thinking.
I think this whole
arrangement stinks.
I have never felt
so used in all my life.
You know, I thought
that you really liked me.
I thought we were friends.
But that wasn't
what you had in mind, was it?
I was just
a piece of merchandise.
Why do I sound
like Joan Crawford?
Aw, don't stop,
it was just starting to be fun.
Well, it may be fun for you
but it's not fun for me.
I really don't enjoy being
with people I don't like.
And I... I don't
like you anymore.
Horse manure, you love me.
( chuckling )
Yeah, I guess I do.
Can we still have
lunch together?
Okay, but only
if I pay.
Aw, you're sweet, Alex.
I just hope my stomach
can take those dumps
you can afford.
( theme music playing )
WOMAN:
Good night,
Mr. Walters.
( grunts )