Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 8, Episode 8 - Aquatic Sewing Machine - full transcript

The taskmaster imagines an aquatic trauma when the contestants are asked to bring in the best thing to hold, before an underdog begins to rise through the ranks as the word-based final task approaches.

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Hello! Thank you
and welcome to the show!

Taskmaster - a competition of wit,
bravery and of quick thinking.

A contest where the agile
and the nimble come out on top,

a celebration of artistic flair,
strength and determination

until these five people came along!

Please welcome Iain Stirling!


Joe Thomas!

Lou Sanders!

Paul Sinha!

And Sian Gibson!

And on the much smaller throne
to my left

is a man who still comes to work
with his sandwiches cut into fingers

because he thinks
they "taste better".

It's... (FALSETTO)
..little Alex Horne!


Hello. Very good. Yes.
You all right?

This is your section. You lead it.

Well, I've designed a game for all
the listeners at home today. Yep.

Uh, it's a game called
One Number Bingo.

So if you could all write down one
number between one and a million.

Uh, ideally all different numbers

because we don't want
more than one winner.

So look at your number.
I'm pulling out the number now.

It's all the twos - 20.

OK? So if that was your number,

then you've won.

Right. On with the show.

What's the, er, prize task?

Well, this week we've asked
the contestants to bring in

the nicest thing... to hold.

Mmm. Yes.

Greg's going to judge which he
thinks is the nicest thing to hold

and give five points
to the person that brought it in.

At the end of tonight's proceedings,
the overall winner

will carry five things home and have
a thoroughly nice time in doing so.

Iain, what have you brought in?

£200 in cold, hard cash.

There it is.
You can hold it,

you can buy things with it,
you can throw it up in the air,

pretend you're in The Crystal Maze.

A money clip makes me feel like
I'm a bit "Yeah, awright?"

"Yeah, go on.
Come here, sweetheart, go on..."

"Yeah..." "You have whatever you
want, up to the value of 200 pand."

"Ooh, that does feel nice."

It's a start. Sian, what have you
brought that's nice for me to hold?


Well, I haven't brought me.
Well, I am here,

but I can't give someone me
to take home,

so I've made a me

because I've been told
I give good hugs.


There she is. There we go.

So it's one of those pillows
that you can spoon.

It's like your secret sister
that's not allowed to come out.

It's got my head, my perfume

and you can spoon me.

Sian, it's strong.
This is a strong opening.

Hopefully someone's going
to disappoint us soon. Joe.

What have you brought
that's nice to hold?

One of the things you can hold
is a note.

Like... Like a pound note or...

No, a musical... musical note

and I think
the most famously held note

is when Pavarotti
sings the word "vincero"

from Nessun Dorma by Puccini.

He's provided it
on a cassette obviously, so...

Erm, if you win the episode,
you will win that cassette

and that cassette player
and you will hear this noise.

"# Ce-e-e-e..."

OK? Not a bad prize.
Why wouldn't you want that?

I think that's nice, a bit
of lateral thinking. Thank you.

Erm, Lou.
What's the best thing to hold?

I would say hope.

Have you brought
the concept of hope as a prize?


the second best thing to hold...

is a dolphin.

But I've brought
a dolphin excursion,

but, because it's ethical,
they might not be there.

Oh, they're not captive dolphins.

They might not be around that day,
so that's where the hope comes in.

So I've brought you
dolphins plus hope.

In the form of a voucher.
Here it is.


I don't know if I want
to hold a dolphin.

They're quite sexually aggressive
is my understanding.


Like a lot of people's
bucket list...

Yeah, when they're about to die.

We're all going to die,
let's face it,

but that's where the hope comes in.
What I don't want is to die

at the...

I was going to say "hands"!

At the flippers of the relentless
penis of a male dolphin...

..that's been hammering away at me
like some aquatic sewing machine.

You're so arrogant that you think
the dolphin's going to fancy you!

Shut up! Have a look!

I'm coming along! He's going
to be clicking all over me.

So this dates to 1983

and it is
the chess-tournament trophy

for Dulwich College
Preparatory School.

It's a little bit on the rusty side,
but it's my proudest possession

and I hold it all the time.

And the reason I hold it
all the time... Ohh.

..is all these recordings
of Taskmaster

have utterly crushed my spirit.

I had no idea until I did Taskmaster

that I was actually
as thick as pigshit.

Because the recollection I have
is of a 13-year-old teenager

winning his school chess
championships for the third time,

bringing it home to my dad,
saying "Because I won it,

"like Brazil in 1970,
they let me keep the trophy."

And the reason you'd really like
to hold it, Greg,

is the thrill that it's stolen goods

because when I said to my dad
"They let me keep it",

I was lying.


Powerful stuff, Greg.
It's all powerful stuff.

OK. The thing I want to hold most -

and it genuinely almost
brought a tear to my eye -

for some reason,
it's Paul's stolen trophy.

That's the thing I want to hold.

Five points to Paul Sinha.

Then I want to sit in a room
with white walls,

just listening to Joe's note.

OK, four points to Joe.
That's right.

Sian, I'm going to give you
a lovely three-point hug.

OK, so three points to Sian.

Three points to Sian.

Three points for a bit of cold, hard
cash. Joint third, Iain and Sian.

That's right. And two points
for Lou's lovely dolphin

that I may or may not
get to have a lovely cuddle with.

Very good. Prize task - tick.
Next task, please. Sure.

And this has something for everyone,
by which I mean air, sand,

a big dice, a tray, art and
series one to seven of Taskmaster.


Oh, God, this is going to be hard,
I can tell.

"Make the best picture in the sand

"of a former Taskmask-e-ter..."

"Taskmask..." What's this show
called? Taskmaster.

"..Taskmaster contestant..."

"Using one of these implements."
Up here on the table.

There they are. "You must roll
the dice to choose your implement."

"Nothing but air may touch the sand
at any point."

What?! Nothing but air? Oh, OK.

"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts

"as soon as you have rolled
the dice."

Ok, so we want to get someone
who's a good caricature.

Funny old face.
Or a big, fat one or something.

Can you say that these days?

They're all sort of
mixed blessing really.

It's like a sort of metaphor for
just life and the future, isn't it?

Just... Could be different,
but all shit. Erm...

Four. Hohh!

Hnng! Oh, I think it's that.

It's a six.
That's the long horn.

That's the horn.
Yeah, the worst of all. Erm...

Thrown a two.



That's a good one.


Oh, dear.

Nice that in this episode
Joe finally works out

that this entire show is a metaphor
for how shit life is!

Good. OK. This is all of them
doing it together.


Here we go. Ready?

Well, this is just stupid.



Oh, here we go.

That's actually
a lovely bit of business.


Can I ask you what
the state capital of Alabama is?

It's Montgomery?


It's quite hard because
it's just a load of holes.

Oh, my God. I'm out of breath.

"You must roll the dice
to choose your implement."

But can I use one of the others?
Doesn't say I can't.

Paul, do you know
the state capital of Arkansas?

Little Rock.

I can roll the dice again?


What are you trying to roll?
A two.

Do you know the state capital
of Kansas?


You got a two, did you?


My back's gone.

This is harder that it looks.

Up a bit. Right, right.

Literally right there.
Oh. Uhh...



Not going to bugger it up
any more than I have to.

Thank you, Lou.

Thank you. Bye.

Good. So they've done sand art
of former contestants

and you're going to have to guess
who the contestant is. Good.

We're going to start off with
Joe's attempt with the long horn.

See who you think this is.

This is someone who's previously
been on Taskmaster?

Yes, yes.

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

That series where we had
the old Chinese guy.

Joe said it won't be necessary
to tell you who it is

and he said also



And "It doesn't get much better.
Looks like a lovable pooch."

In the picture.
In the picture.

The more I stare at it,
it looks like Predator.

I haven't got a clue who it is.

It's Jessica Knappett!

It's really, really, really hard
to get anything done.

I mean, even to get that
was really hard.

Oh, fine. Five points, then.

Right. Would you like to do this
link to break, Alex? Yes, please.

Well, you can't!
It's the end of part one.

See you back here very soon.



Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster!

Humour me, Alex. Tell me
what was going on before the break,

like I don't know.
Sure. Well, Greg, before the break,

they were trying to use
one of the instruments provided

to blow a portrait of a former
Taskmaster contestant into sand.

Next it's Lou. Who is this?

Is it Phil Wang?
It is Phil Wang.

Yes, it is Phil Wang.

We've only had one Phil
on the show, right? Yes.

Nice excuse to draw a picture
of a wang!

She kept throwing the dice till
she got the implement she wanted,

which wasn't technically
against any rules.

Good. Now, here's a sentence
I didn't think I'd be saying -

I'm disappointed by the "Phil",
but I love the wang.

Do you want to see
Sian's pan-piped attempt?

When did we have that guy on
with, erm,...

the burglar's mask

and one giant tooth

in the centre of their mouth?

It's a beard actually.
A beard with a mouth hole.

I think it's, erm,

Joe Wilkinson.

It is! Er, no, it's Romesh.

Romesh Ranganathan there.
Of course it is.

So tricky because you make one hole
and another one closes.

Exactly. It's a metaphor for life.

It's a metaphor for life.

That is, I mean, so rubbish.

Paul was slightly luckier
with this throw. Pfff...

Paul got a barbecue blower,
electronic device.

And he created this.


Mm. Now, I actually think
that is Romesh.

Well, you're absolutely right.
It is Romesh.

You missed a few details out.

The ears...

and his teeth hanging from
his beard. But apart from that...

Who's next?
Er, one person left

and he's an artist.
Well, a voiceover artist mainly.

It's Iain Stirling's attempt.



First of all, it's a lovely drawing.
Thank you very much. You're welcome.

I think I know who it is,

but I also think what I'm about to
say might be incredibly insulting...

I'm worried you might say
who I tried.

I should say it started off a man
and became a woman halfway through.

I think it's, erm, Sally Phillips.

It is Sally Phillips.

It is Sally Phillips.

It was meant to be Nish Kumar.

Can we see all of them?
There they are. That should help.

OK, I'm going to give Sian
one point.

It's so shit!

I'm going to give Joe and Lou
two points...

Fuck off!

Honestly, I can't
actually believe this.

You've written "Phil"!

So two to Joe, two to Lou.
Two to Lou.

It's obviously a toss-up
between Iain and Paul's.

I'm going to say that
Sally Phillips takes it.

Iain five points
and Paul four points.

There we go,
Iain Stirling gets five points!

So he's yet to win an episode, he's
the only one who hasn't won one,

but Paul is in the lead
with nine points! Oh, at last!

At last!

Yes, Paul!

In the series, Paul is now on 96,

then Iain 109, Sian 100. Tight.

Joe 121,
but Lou is in the lead with 124!

Three points in it.

Get in.

What's next? I've got tons of balls
for you. Here we go.

Where we going?

Hello, team.
Hello, Alex.

"Catch all the red balls..."

"..in things from the shed."

"Catch the yellow balls
in clothing."


"Don't let the green balls touch
anything other than the grass."

"Catch the blue ball
in something from the kitchen."

"Red balls are worth one point..."

"Yellows two."

"The blue is worth five."

"But you lose two points
for every green ball

"that touches anything
other than the grass."

"You may not touch
the ball machines."

"Any non-green ball
that touches the ground at any point

"will not count."

"Highest score wins."

"The balls will start firing..."

"..in two minutes from now"?!
Oh, my God, right.

OK, you find something from the
kitchen to catch the blue ball in.

I'll get something from the shed
to catch the red balls in.

Shall I do blue and green and you do
yellow and red? Yeah, perfect.

There's three colours of balls,

so Paul, get something
from the shed, you're on red balls.

Clothing - yellow balls. I'll go
to the kitchen. What am I on?

An item of clothing,
you can use anything.

I know, but I'm getting something
from the... the shed.

Shed. Er...

That's fine.

Where's that hat?
Oh, I don't know. Ahh...

Where are the ball machines?

They could be anywhere.

I thought we were going to see the
return of bossy-boots Iain then.

Ohh... I hate myself.

You don't like bossy-boots Iain,
watching him back, do you?

Just shouted at a woman
and then ran into the kitchen.

At least you didn't walk
into a shed and come out

looking baffled
with a washing-up bowl.

We're going to start with the other
team. Sian and Joe giving it a go.

Dream team.

Bucket. Well, I've got...
Actually there's that as well.

That's... That's quite good.

That's an option as well.

I mean, that's not...
It's no better than that really.

Right, hang on.

Oh, my God! Right, hang on...

A blue! A blue, green...
Red balls, shed.

Yellow balls, clothing. Right.


Well done!

I can't even see blue.


Oh, God!

Green, yellow, yellow...

The clothing is shit.


Oh, the yellows are impossible.


Oh, no...


Oh, God. Right...

I've not seen a blue ball.

There's green!

Yellow! Nearly.


No! Yellow...


That was the blue.
Oh, no!


I'm just going to stand here
and hope.



Use this shoe because that's red.
Get the reds in there.

Have you got your system sorted now?

I'll look this way,
you look that way.


quite a contrast within the team.


I don't think you did anything.

I was on blue-ball duty...
Blue ball, which you missed.

It did say "Catch THE blue ball
in something from the kitchen",

so you held up a hat and a pan.

The initial way we divided it up
was I'd do red and yellow

and Sian would do blue and green.

The only job of the green
was to let them hit the ground...

Sian did well on the green duty.

Well, she caught three yellows
in the right thing,

er, but she also touched
or was struck by several greens.

Her total was minus 12 points.


Er, Joe was a sort of ball magnet.

He was hit by red five times,
hit by yellow 11 times,

hit by green 15 times.

Minus 30 for the greens,
but he also caught eight red,

caught nine yellow
in the correct things,

so he added four points, so they get
altogether minus eight points.

It was hard.
No, it was... it was hard.

Let's all stop and have a little
rest. See you in a few minutes.



Hello! Thank you.

How pleasant it is to have you
back with us. Little Alex Horne,

please remind us of the rules
of the current complicated task.

Yes, the rules are simple really.

Catch all the red balls
in something from the shed,

catch the yellows
in an article of clothing,

if the greens touch anything but the
grass, you lose two points for each.

Catch the blue ball
in something from the kitchen,

red balls are worth one point,
yellows two, the blue five. OK?

Yep. Good. Here's the team of three
- Lou, Paul and Iain.

The green balls must touch grass,
so maybe it's here, then.

No, the green balls
are not allowed to touch grass.

The green balls aren't allowed
to touch grass? We...

"Don't let the green balls touch
anything other than the grass."

This is like... Oh, wait!

What colour am I catching?!

I'm getting blue! I'm getting blue!

Shit... Yellow, yellow!

Quick, catch something,
for Christ's sake!

What the fuck...



This is...


Green is grass, green is grass!


This isn't working.

Yes! Mummy!

There's literally no blue balls.

"The blue ball."

Where is it?

Who's red?

I want that blue ball.


Stop catching the green ones,
they've got to hit the grass.

Blue! Yesss!




What just happened?!


Red! Get it, Paul. Get it, Paul.

Ohh... That's for me!


I got one!

I got... I got...

Eh? What happened there?

Got to pass some of them.

I appear to have caught two
by accident. Thank you, team.


Erm, Lou, something we haven't
got into previously this series,

but something... a battle cry
that you've used throughout

is "Mummy"!

Do you use "Mummy!" a lot?

I think I'm going to stop
now I've seen it.

That technique worked well.
It did work well.

Lou was a productive member
of the team. She caught six yellows,

which means plus 12.
She touched four green,

but she adds four points
to the team total. Well, lovely.

Iain caught the blue ball
for five points. Iain, I mean...

The blue ball -
and the celebration entirely valid.

Yeah. I think
about seven green balls hit me

as I was celebrating
getting five points.

Did the blue ball pay dividends?

Well, he also caught
four yellows correctly,

touched nine greens,
so minus five for Iain.

So the team are now on minus one.

Remember they've got minus eight
to beat. Eight to beat.

So it's Paul's contribution that's
going to matter. Come on, Paul.

He did touch a lot of greens,
they did strike him repeatedly

on his leg, then balls,
then thigh, belly, foot, tray,

foot, foot, back.
19 balls altogether.

With his catches,
he scored minus 26.


That's a...

Yep. A total of minus 27
for their team.

Oh, dear.

Although there is one more thing
I could show you.

It's just something I noticed
after the final ball was propelled.

What am I like?


Oh, my God!

Just waiting now.


Oh, I just dropped my hat.
That's a shame.

Is that it?


You OK?

I feel like I've been
stabbed in the back! Mm.

Of all the people!

I'm so sorry, Joe.

It's all right. You know,
we all do crazy things sometimes.

I felt like I hadn't contributed
because of the blue ball...

No, because you hadn't contributed.

In Taskmaster history,

we have, erm,...

never forgiven cheating.

Was it cheating?

I'm afraid cheating is rewarded
by disqualification, so...

Not me, not Joe!
I'm afraid so.

And that's something
you're going to have to live with.



can I just... Can I confirm?

Despite scoring minus 27,...

Yeah. ..how many points
are the team of three getting?

Well, they're going to get
all five points.

Right. Five points to Iain,

Lou and Paul Sinha!

Well done, Paul.

Right. Come on,
let's have another task.

You mean this sort of thing?


Hello, Iain.


All... All right. All right.

All right?
All right.

This is what I'm talking about.

This looks ridiculous.


"Make this beach ball
cross the finishing line."

"Only water can touch
the beach ball."

"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

What are you talking about?

"Only water can touch
the beach ball."


Well? What WERE you talking about?

He was very cross. You were
very cross about that, weren't you?


Can we see some stuff? Yes, we're
going to see three of them race now.

Iain, Sian and...

J... J...

Do you want to guess? J...

No. P... P... P...

Lou Sanders, here we go.

Obvious question -
is there a hosepipe?

Would you like me to get you
a hosepipe? Yes, please.

Let's get a hose.
I'll get you a hose.

Get me a hose, then, yeah?

Give me slack. Give me slack!

Am I going?

Oh, dear.

Ahh! Ahh!

Uhh... Please may I have a bucket?

It's going backwards!

What are you looking for now?
A tap.


'Only water...

Is there another setting?

Wait a minute.

There we go.


Oh, yes, I'm on it!

Well, sack that off.

Doesn't have to go on the course,
just has to cross the finish line.

Do you have a different hose end?
I think this might be a bit more...

Ahh, mummy!

Done it.
Thank you, Iain.

Do you want to do it?


Put it in the bucket...


Oh, I'm stuck.

Ooh, ooh, I'm away. I'm away.

Ooh, dear.




Only Iain worked out you didn't
have to follow the course.

No, that was not within the rules.

You just had to get it
across the finishing line. Ohh!


To give you an idea how well
I feel this show has gone,

that's the best I think
I've ever done

and I ran into the start line.

Lou. Another "Mummy"
followed by, erm,

making it look like you've got
a big dick between your...

Would you say
I was the full package?

You really are quite the catch.

Do you want to know the time?
Yes, please.

I've done it terms of,
if you boiled an egg for that long,

what sort of an egg it would be.
Go on.

Er, boiled.

Boiled. But we've still got
a slightly runny yolk -

five minutes 37.

Right. Sian - her technique
was similar to Lou.

It was actually somehow slower,
so liquid yolk, but less oozy -

six minutes 40.

Iain - cold egg - one minute 10!




Lovely. Who's next?

If you've got to move an inflatable
ball, you'll ask for a hose,

it's simple, really.
Anyway, here's Joe Thomas.


OK, that's all right.


That was a bit over the top, sorry.

Is that the finishing line?

Oh, fuck me!

Just look up.



That's made it worse.
That's made it a lot worse!


Oh, Christ...

What have you got there, Joe?
Er, ice.

Is that all right?

I'll just...

It's not very effective, is it?

There's, erm...


You're getting style points.

Oh, my life.

I genuinely thought
I'd done quite well on that.

Really... It's as though
I'd never heard of a hosepipe.

I didn't even...
Or a finishing line.

You thought it was a finishing wall.

Normally in the sprinting, there's
the finish line, immediately a wall.


The ice though - genius.
If only the ice had come first.

Yeah, the ice I could've... had a go
at it with the ice straight away.


Oh, if you hadn't thrown
27 plant pots full of water

against the ball first...

There were eight trips
to the kitchen to get water.

You also got trapped by the garage
with the ball for four minutes.

No way out.

I think this could be up to an hour.

Well, you'll be surprised. The egg
that he's boiling is now a stone,

but it was only 16 minutes and 21.

It felt like an hour.

OK, we've reached the end
of another part.

Come back to see who wins the nice
things to hold. Bye for now.

Hello and welcome back
to Taskmaster!

Last part of the show, then. Here we
go. Oh, yes. I'm so up for this.

They're trying to get
a... beach ball

across a course and over
the finishing line using only water.

Lou, Iain and Sian used a hose,
Joe went mad,

finally up to the start line,
it's Mr Squirty himself,

Paul Sinha!


Is there a hose... pipe and a tap?

Would you like a hose? Well,
only if it's attached to a tap.

It is.

Oh, it can't be going backwards!

Can I get you anything?


My dignity?

I'm going to put
the finishing line together. OK.

Need a hand, Paul?
Yes, please.



I've stopped the clock.

'Thank you, Paul.

A sympathy cheer
if ever there was one.

Great logic though
with the finish line.

Yeah. Your first attempt - were you
trying to spit it up to the...

I had no idea what the actual
lightness of the ball was.

Just thought
"Is it possible to blow it?"

Want to know how long it took him
to make the ball go minus one metre?

20 minutes.
Ah, well, no.

He made the classic hard-boiled egg
suitable for a picnic -

11 and a half minutes.
Ahh! Not bad! Not bad.

The slowest was actually Joe Thomas,
so one point to him.

Two to Paul, three to Lou, four to
Sian, but the quickest by a distance

was Mr Iain Stirling!

Right, let's have a look at the
scores before the final showdown.

OK. The exciting news
is that Paul, despite that,

is still in with a shout of winning
the episode. He's in second with 16,

Iain is in the lead with 18 points!
Yes, please, Paul Sinha!

Right, it is time to stand up
and march to the stage, please,

for the final task of the show!


Hello, everyone.
Who's going to read the task out?

I'd like Sian Gibson
to read the task out, please. Right.

"Complete the five-syllable word
started by the Taskmaster."

"Honk your horn if you think
you know what word

"the Taskmaster is going to say."

"If you guess it correctly after one
syllable, you get five points."

"If you guess it after two syllables
- four points."

"Guess it after three syllables -
three points."

"Four - two. Guess it incorrectly,
you lose all your points."

"You may only guess once per word."

"Highest score
after ten words wins."

OK. Just to clarify, each word
will have five syllables eventually.

It's up to you when you want to honk
and guess. If you get it wrong,

you must hold your horn on your head
to indicate that you got it wrong.

If you get it wrong, you lose all
your points that you may have gained

at any point during the task.

And it's winner takes all, this one.

The winner gets five points,
zero to everyone else.

Good luck. Word one.


That's for five points.
..ni... Four points.


Horn on the head, thank you.




Universal... ly?

Is correct.

'Two points to Sian Gibson!

'Word two.

U... ni...

University again.

'He's got it!

'Word three.



That's Paul Sinha. Constabulary?

Incorrect. Horn on the head.
Horn on the head, please.


Correct! For three points!

'That was great.

'Word four.




For four points!

'Word five.



Correct! Ohh!

For four.

'Word six.



Oh, that's...
The famous tennis player!





Three points.

'Joe is off the mark.
Word seven.





'Correct! Four points!

'Paul off the mark.

And word eight. Hu...


Incorrect. Horn on the head.



Correct, Paul!

'He's catching!


'Word nine.


Prolapsed anus.

That is four syllables, Lou!


That's Paul Sinha.

'Pronunciation. Correct.

'You're neck and neck!

'Iain and Paul both now have
12 points. How many words left?

'Just one word. Word ten.
And it's the perfect word.

'OK, remember - you're in the lead
in the episode. Paul, you're second.










He's done it!


'Two points!
That was good, that was good.

'We'll add that up
and add it to the final scores.

Come and join us down here!

Talk me through it, Alex. Iain,
an incredible second place there.

Yeah. But there was only one winner
of the five points

and that was Mr Paul Sinha!


And that means...
it's a historic occasion.

Paul Sinha has 21 points

and the episode!


Paul Sinha wins
the nice things to hold!

Head up and hold them, Paul!

So what have we learned today?

We've learned that Taskmaster
has been going so long now

that we've forgotten
some of our past contestants.

So let's have a big shout-out
to Predator,

Big-Tooth Guy
and The Old Chinese Man!

And we learned that Paul Sinha

has won an episode!

What a victory!

Thank you and good night!


Subtitles by Red Bee Media