Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 8, Episode 9 - I've Been a Bit Ill - full transcript

The penultimate episode sees the formation of some very strange new people.

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SHE GASPS

Ooh!

HOOT!

Argh!

Ah! No! Wah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello!

And welcome.

I'm fine, thanks for asking.

It's episode nine, which means
it's the dying stages of competition,

and I'm dying to introduce you



to the people dying
to win my gold-dyed face.

So, please, give a mighty cheer
for Iain Stirling...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Joe Thomas...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Lou Sanders...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Paul Sinha...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..and Sian Gibson!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And he's here beside -

I can tell because of the heavy
breathing and the wet noises -

it's little Alex Horne!

APPLAUSE

It's good to be here.
Cold, though, isn't it?

Cold. Yeah, it is cold.

And I'm not allowed to wear gloves,
obviously, because of my iPad,



but I've just discovered something
called fingerless gloves, so...

What...?

They're edible, are they?

What are you talking about?

Are they edible fingers?

Yes.

You can eat your fingers,

but I want you to act as if
you're eating your real fingers.

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Right. Come on, then.
What surprise category this time?

Take your time.

You swallow your fingers down,
then we'll get on with the show.

All gone. All gone, Daddy.
I'll tell you right now.

It's the best form of protection.

OK?

LAUGHTER

Greg will judge which is
the best form of protection,

handing out five points to
the person that brought it in.

The person with the most points
at the end of the show

will take all five forms
of protection home

and be especially safe and sound.

Paul Sinha, what is
your brilliant form of protection

that you've brought with you?

At the end of every series
of The Chase,

they used to give us
a big luxury hamper,

but one series
they decided to give us this...

There we go.

There's only one of these
in the world,

because on the back of it,
it says...

The Sinnerman.

Number one, it protects you
from the cold.

Number two, it protects you
from getting high temperatures.

Number three, it protects you
from having children,

because no-one will fuck you.

I can't... Yeah. Would you?
No, no, no, I wouldn't.

That's awful. I imagine it protects
you from forming friendships.

It is one of the worst things
I've ever seen, Paul.

Sian?

I've brought some sweaty eggs.

Please be hen's eggs.

They're not my eggs!
LAUGHTER

They don't seem very protected.

Is it the Tupperware box
I'm celebrating here?

If you open that Tupperware...
Yeah. ..on a train... Yeah.

..carriage to yourself - protected.

You've brought a sandwich
box full of smelly eggs. Smelly eggs.

Nice to have established
last place this early, isn't it?

No!

Joe.

Best form of protection
is a bunker, of course.

Of course.

So this is access to a bunker,

and that'll protect you
against disasters,

manmade or otherwise, and...

Is the bunker the prize?

Access to the bunker.

It's a voucher to visit a bunker.
Yeah. Here it is.

What a cool bunker as well, though.

Yes, they do paintballing
and Laser Quest in there. Yeah.

I'd have to be near it in case
there was a nuclear war.

Well, yeah, I mean,
just move near it.

Uh, well...

"Move near it..." Yeah.

Oh, God. You've got me a ticket to
a novelty bunker. Good.

Iain? To protect yourself,
you need to be like a warrior,

so I got myself
a sumo wrestler suit.

There he is.

Best form of protection.

Unless you've got a pin.

Yeah.

I thought you'd have some questions,
so I went on the website...

Not really. But I've made
a lot of judgments.

I went on the website -

"is it suitable for a
five-year-old?"

"Yes, if they're tall."

"Why doesn't this fit
in my hand luggage?"

And they've written,
"Have you tried deflating it?"

Surprisingly comfortable.

It comes complete with built-in
nappy and sumo hair hat

for extra authenticity.

It's got a built-in nappy?

Yes. To protect yourself
from yourself.

Right, Lou, I mean, can
you better any of these?

I suspect so.

Mine is a coat of protection,
so it's got...

Let's have a look actually.
Here is the coat of protection.

OK. To glance at - rubbish.

Hang on! Yeah, I am.

Are you joking with me?

Um, so, beekeeper's hat -
protect against bees.

A prayer protects against the Devil

A cross - vampires.

It's got washing-up gloves,
to protect your hands.

And also the jacket is waterproof.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I just want to say,

Lou did tell me she wasn't
putting a condom on there

because she doesn't
want to be tacky.

Bear that in mind.

Well, all right, then.
Let's make some judgments.

Shouldn't be too hard, should it?

Smelly old eggs.

3 points. OK, 3 points to Sian.

Yeah. A voucher for
a novelty bunker - 3 points.

Iain's sumo suit - 4 points.

Don't know why -
just visually appealed to me.

4 points to Paul -
I wouldn't go near him

if he was wearing
that horrible thing.

And how can I deny being
protected from so many things -

5 points goes to Lou Sanders.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Let's see a task. Yes.

Do you fancy a bit of refuse
and a bit of bouncing?

I hope so!

Hello, Iain.

Yo.

Ah. Hello, Lou.

Hiya.

OK.

"Bounce one of these balls
so that it lands in that bin."

That bin? That bin.

"Bounce one of these balls" -

so I can pick - "the most times
so that it lands in that bin."

"After propelling the ball,

"you may not touch or strike it
on its way to that bin."

"Most bounces between propulsion
and that bin wins."

Nicely phrased.

You must use the ball
you touch first.

Think you touched
the yellow one. Oh!

I don't know if I did.

Probably did.

You have 20 minutes.

Your time starts now.

"Bounce one of these balls the most
times so that it lands in that bin."

Yeah. Can I move the bin?
Yeah, did you read all of the task?

Again? Well, there's one particular
line that's relevant now.

"After propelling the ball..."
Not that one.

Oh, Jesus. "..You must use the first
ball you touch."

Yeah, you've gone for
the rubber-band ball.

Is that not the bounciest?

You'll never know.

So I've just got to bounce
and get in? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, both ladies made their decision
very quickly, by accident.

They were having a lovely
stroke of a ball.

Yes, the fingers made the decision
rather than the brain.

Let's see some stuff. OK.

First to bounce, it's
the natural sportsmen Paul and Joe.

I can't touch any of them without...
It's like chess, isn't it?

Ooft!

Hard to know, isn't it?

I wouldn't rush it.

It's so hard. So hard.

HE SIGHS

Which ball do you think
is the bounciest?

I've decided that
I don't think it matters.

I've got other things on my mind.

I'll go with this one.

Let me see how bouncy that is.
That is not at all bouncy!

Take the tennis ball.

Right. Only got one registered.

OK.

OK.

Oh, come on, you dick!

Four.

Oh, come on. Just...come on!

Maybe that was a two.

Eight. But not into the bin.

It's stuck.

Two. Yeah, two still.
I think I've got a three in me.

That's two again.
A good two, though, I thought.

That was a better two.

Oh, a lot of bounces.

How many do you think that was?

I want to say four but...

That's the furthest I've got it
away from where I need it to be.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Well done, Paul.
HE PANTS

You OK? Yeah, it was fun.

APPLAUSE

I've written two quotes down
from you.

"I had other things on my mind" -

and I'm interested
to know what they were.

I've also written down,
"It's like chess, isn't it?" -

long pause...

"Ooft!"

What was on your mind?
What was on my mind?

I was wondering if I could remember

what the 1984 Christmas
number 1 was.

And then I remembered it was Band
Aid, Do They Know It's Christmas?

And then I moved on to the task.

I'd argue it was Power Of Love
by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

You'll argue wrong.

Joe, a better two.

Yeah, well, it was a better two.
It was a better two.

And you always thought
you had a three in you.

I've always thought that.

But in the end
it turned out to be a four.

It was four bounces.
And I've Googled it,

there's only three whole numbers
lower than that -

they're three, two and one,
so it is quite a low score.

Paul - nine complete bounces.

Thank you. Lovely.

So, not too bad -
in the lead at the moment.

APPLAUSE
Ha! What's that sound?

It's Part Two coming after the break.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

What was happening before
the break, little Alex Horne?

Hi there, pleased to meet you all.
I've got a new bicycle.

The task in play is as follows.

Bounce a ball the most times
before it lands in the bin.

And, in a video all by himself,

it's a bouncy-bouncy
Mr Iain Stirling.

That didn't really help.

See, that could be an issue, that.

That's risky.

Oh, now then!

This could be winner-winner
chicken dinner, this.

Oh, no, it's going to be
harder than I thought.

Six?

I made that six as well, yeah.

Seven? No, six again.

Can I use some of these pillows?

That is perfect, gorgeous.

HE GROWLS

This is interesting. Watch.

Three and a half minutes.

That was loads.

Is it in the bin? No, but it is...

Where's the ball, Iain?

How many was that? Six.

Six?! No, no, sorry, sorry.

How many have you put down? 36.

Yeah, 36 - I'll take it.

36, baby!

APPLAUSE

I will do my best to ignore
your cry of "baby" at the end.

Throughout the competition, Iain has
often been the person who's gone,

"Right, I'm going in -
let's fuckin' do this!"

Yeah. Without a lot of thought.

But that was great tactical
thinking from the start.

I found it remarkable that,
out of the five,

he's the only one
who picked the ball

whose main adjective
is bouncy. Yeah.

Only one who picked the bouncy ball.

I mean, the drainpipe system's
a work of genius, isn't it?

How many bounces were
within the pipe?

I think it was the same as
my age used to be - 36.

I think it was 36.

OK, only two people left -

and we've grouped them together

because it really helps
to speed things up.

Here are Lou and Sian.

Bounce it the most times.

Can you just explain it, please,

in layman's terms?

Hold on a minute.

You've got to propel a ball. Yeah.

And it's going to end up
in the bin. Yeah.

'And I'm going to count
how many times it bounces
between you and the bin.

Have you got any string, please?

There's a shed.

Oh, no!

It's the grass.

Have you thrown things before?

OK. Ready?

Yeah.

Bounce, bounce...

I can't help thinking
I've chosen the wrong method!

That bounced about 12 times then.

In school, they used to have, like,
effort badges.

Have you thought about that?

You want an effort badge? Yeah.

Oh, this is interesting.

Feels like it's easier with a net.
It is easier with a net.

Imagine if I didn't
get it in the bin now.

Possibility.

Propel.

Thanks, Lou. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

What a system. Is it valid?

Well, I mean, "to bounce" means
to cause to move up or away

after hitting a surface.

I can't see a problem with them.
Nor can I. Oh.

I've got an issue.

They, like, started it, like,
over lots of times.

If you use that definition,

all the times I've bounced it,

you can use all of them
up until my go. No.

The rule was you couldn't touch it
between propelling it and the bin.

That wasn't written on the card.

It was exactly what
you read out at the start.

LAUGHTER

They didn't touch it
between propelling and the bin.

If anything -
if I may interject, baby -

I would suggest that the ladies
used a bounce stabiliser.

HE GASPS
Wonderful. Yes, yes.

Thank you. How many bounces
did they get, big boy?

LAUGHTER

Sian - 112 bounces.

Which is 108 more than Joe.

And Lou - who did her system for
the full ten minutes -

There were 225
that struck the ground.

That's 221 more than joe. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm afraid it's 1 point to
Joe, 2 to Paul, 3 to Iain,

4 to Sian, but 5 points
to Lou Sanders. Baby!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Can I have the scores, please?

Yes, the series scores,
first of all.

Two people tied in second -

Iain and Joe, on a 126.

But she is stretching her lead -
Lou's on 142 at the moment.

APPLAUSE

In this particular episode,

Joe is in last place, with 4,

and Lou Sanders is
in the lead with 10.

Wow. There we go.
APPLAUSE

Show me more,
show me sweet little more.

I will. And you're "dust" in time
for this next one.

OK?

Hello.

Oh, hello, Lou.

Guess what? Hello?

Hi.

Right, today, apparently,

I've been saying "sangwich" wrong
my whole life.

Sandwich? "Sangwich" I've been
saying. No, it's "sandwich".

Yeah, I found that out today.

Do you want me to...? OK.

Oh.

Dust.

What's...? OK. That's interesting.

'Devise the most delicious dust.

You have five minutes
to choose your ingredients.

Then ten minutes to make
your delicious dust.

And serve it in this dust pan.

Your time starts now.

I definitely want glitter.

I've decided that I'm going to
go savoury.

I don't think Greg gets
to the size that he is

by dealing with non-savoury products.

APPLAUSE

"I don't think that Greg
gets to be the size he is

"by eating non-savoury products?"

I have no idea why you're
such a freak of nature, Greg.

I have no idea whether
it's diet or pituitary tumour -

it could be a combination of both!

Oh, I had no idea you were suggesting
that I was tall because I was ill.

I thought you were suggesting I was
fat because I liked cheese!

Either way - thanks!

Sian, obviously,
first instinct - glitter.

Yeah, you've tried to
get glitter in every task.

I've realised that it's embarrassing
for a middle-aged lady

to like glitter and princesses
as much as I do!

Do you want to see the glitter lady
dust herself off with Paul Sinha?

Erm... What?!

..let's have a look.
OK. Here are Paul and Sian.

OK.

That looks dusty.

It's quite a big serving.
It's going to be a big serving.

Mm.

Popping candy.

How much are you planning to make?

Well, Greg's a big lad.

'He's not just got the demeanour of a
king, he's the size of Henry VIII.

What can you tell me about
Henry VIII?

Henry VIII was
a murderous misogynist

is, I think, the best way
to describe him.

He's been transformed into
a figure of respect

by a patriarchal educational system

that doesn't really care
for the fate of wives.

But other than that...

Look at that for dust.

Oh, don't hurt yourself.

Oh, have you hurt yourself?

Oh, no, you've grated yourself.

Ooh, that looks horrible.

Just... Maybe a rubber glove.

Just worried about your fingers,

because you're already
bleeding out of one of them.

Oh, yeah.

Some glitter. Oh, God.

I'll try and pick it
up using the brush.

Mmm, that's very nice.

Here we go.

Phwoar!

Let me try. You don't...

Goes for your throat, doesn't it?

The popping happens afterwards.

POPPING CANDY CRACKLES

Right, well, thank you.

Enjoy! Will do.

APPLAUSE

Right, well, I'm going to have to
take your lead on this

to some degree.

I mean, was the flavour improved
by both contestants' blood?

You've got mine and Paul's
DNA inside you.

They were both either ends
of the sweet-and-savoury scale.

They were quite nice, I suppose.

Could I argue that
most of Sian's dust -

maybe the work was done for her
by sweet manufacturers?

I did grate my own chocolate.
And yours was grated cheese?

Yeah, I just wanted to go for
delicious parmesan and pancetta.

'Let's allow them both as dust.
Now, you tell me which was
the most delicious of the two.

I really like Paul's.

Sorry. I just preferred it.

Fourth place! Get in.

That's fine.

OK, time for the adverts
to do their thing.

See you again soon for the beginning
of the second half of the show.

Yes? Please? Please!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, everybody.
Thanks for coming back.

Now, sit and listen
to my little assistant

tell you about what's been going on -
all the time whilst licking his lips.

HE SIGHS

Before the break,

they were trying to make
the tastiest dust -

and they still are.

Next up, presenting the vegan
dust option, it's Lou Sanders.

I'm just making some dust, yeah?

The most delicious dust, yes.
Enemy. An enemy of Greg's.

That would be delicious for him.

Who are his big enemies... His
main three enemies that are dead?

That are dead...

OK, so racism -

nobody likes racism.

So maybe we have something
that typifies racism

and we burn it...

and then we eat the dust.

Good... Let's keep it
light, actually.

Or a razz mag.
You know, the sexist ones.

Well, it's porn but it's
not done in a tasteful way.

We burn it and then we top it off
with Fizz Wiz.

What is Fizz Wiz?

It's a popping candy.

Disgusting!

Something naughty,
something nice - here we go.

How would you suggest I eat this?

Tongue in the bowl.

Just tongue in the bowl? Yes.

Yes.

Jolly along.

Delicious?

It's... It doesn't feel nice

because you're eating it
out of a bloody pan,

but that's are not my rules.

I don't like the black bits.

I flambeed the bowl!

APPLAUSE

Uh...razz mag? I called them jazz
mags when I was a young man.

Yeah, you can call them jazz mags.

Jazz or razz? Clunge.

Nice. Nice to combine popping candy
with a powerful statement.

Mm. Lovely. It's like she was
burning the objectification of women

and then getting you to consume it.

But was it delicious?

No, it wasn't. I've eaten
a lot of things on this programme

and this was probably the worst
thing I've ever eaten.

The popping candy was lovely,
but it had a lot of burn porn.

Next up, we've got two guys.
Let's call them Joe,

and let's call the other one Iain!

Going to take out some of the lumps.

Dust!

Just the one Babybel.

Dust!

Dust the "chootney".

The "chootney" is just
to make it look nice, yeah?

I feel bad, scraping bits
of pork fat off my hands

and then asking you to eat it.

That's not really dust, is it?

What's that, just...? Salt.

How much salt are you
putting on to it? Fair amount.

So this is cracker dust,

and with your crackers, you've got
cheese, Babybel dust... Mm-hmm.

..stilton dust... Mm-hmm.

..cheddar dust.

Um, we have crispy pork skin

with some chicken reduction.

And then, to follow,
we have a violet sherbet

with a bit of honeycomb.

HE CRUNCHES

'How was that? What's odd about it
is that the cracker's normally
crunchy, and it's not crunchy.

No it'll go gloopy, won't it?

What do we think? That is salty.

It's salty. OK. Ooh. In a good way?

No. In a...

Ugh!
JOE LAUGHS

You could actually use this
as a straw.

It's good.

Does it work?

HE GAGS

That's the driest thing
that's ever happened.

Yeah, so this is pudding. OK.

Attaboy.

How's that? That's lovely.

That's good? Mm, that is nice.

Well, nice to spend
the time with you, Alex.

APPLAUSE

Joe seemed like
a professional waiter.

Yeah. Posher than a waiter.
Head waiter.

Small servings,
but beautifully presented.

Mmm. And we sat down next
to each other, didn't we? We did.

You always sit next to
the waiter in a restaurant.

And the waiter watches you. Yeah.

And when you leave at the end,
the waiter's emotionally crushed.

Well, the main course was
over-salty. We saw that.

Yeah, yeah, it was. Because
it was mainly... Mainly salt.

But then set off by the dessert,
which was delicious.

That was made of Parma Violets.

Yes, it was. And there was
so little burnt porn in it.

Right. Iain, I know that
you've dealt with "sangwich",

but we should probably
talk about "choot-ney".

"Choot-ney".

I have learned more about myself on
this show than I would have liked.

Were his multiple dusts nice, though,
with the "chootney" alongside them?

They were ambitious, definitely,
it was a full...

Well, at one point
you started snorting feta,

as far as I could work out.

Chopping up lines of cheese.

It was good. It was good.
We had a nice time. It was tasty.

Nice time for two nice guys,
would you say?

Yes, it was a smorgasbord of dust.
Do you want to score them?

I really want you to score them,
because I didn't eat them.

I enjoyed Lou's concept but didn't
enjoy the test, I have to be honest.

1 point to Lou. OK.

Two points to the next. Well, Sian's
and Paul's were both very basic -

very savoury, very sweet.

Yes. Joe's was the second-best.

I would say Iain's was
tremendous dust.

We go 2 points to Sian,
3 points to Paul,

4 points to Joe and 5 points to Iain.

APPLAUSE
Bang. There we go. Got it.

Give me more.

OK, it's a team task now,

and it's a Taskmaster
Bonding Exercise.

Ah.

Hello. Hello, Joe.

Hiya. Hello, Sian. Hiya.

Hello, Iain.

You all right?
Hello, Paul. Hi, Alex.

Hello, Lou. Cooee.

Right.

"Make yourselves
look like one person."

"The team that looks and moves
most like one person wins.

"You have 20 minutes."

"Your time starts when one of you
looks at another one of you."

Don't look. Erm...

'Right, I'm going to get some stuff.
No, wait, Iain, don't go yet. Don't
go, cos I can see you.Look down.

Both of you, look down.
Can we talk this through?

I'm going to go
and shout through the door.

We've got to look and move
as one, you bell-end.

I know, but I am going to
make a plan. Listen. OK.

Now we can talk. OK.

When it says you've got to
look like one person... Mm.

..does that have to be a human
person?

Do you mean could it be
a duck person?

So it could be an alien?
Is that a person? Yeah.

Why don't two of us
leave the building,

leaving one of us to look and move
like one person.

No, because it does say on the
instructions, you have to...

The task - it's called the task.

Iain... Make yourselves
look like one person.

So if we just walk like that.
Big gloves and wellies.

That's good. Skis. Oh, you
looked at him. The time starts.

I didn't look him
in the eye though. Ah...

OK, right, we're up against it now.

I'll go and get some bin bags.

Wait, wait, Iain... Mm-hmm? Can you
get a coat and a cane? Uh-huh.

It wasn't instant harmony within the
teams, was it, really?

It's not a good start to
a team task - "Iain, you bell-end".

Absolutely justified.

You were very irritated with
Lou's use of certain words.

"It's a task!"

From a man that says
"choot-ney", that is...

LAUGHTER

I was good at the bit where
you had to not look at other people.

Yes, you were.
Even after Sian looked at me,

I didn't look at her.

Here is how all of them got on
in one film.

Pop that on.

Iain, did you ask for a big coat?

No, we're doing bin bags.

How are we going to win
points for bin bags?

Just cover yourself in bin bags.

So do we just staple that?

I wonder if there's one of them
staplers?

If you go and shout in the corridor,
someone may well bring one in.

Staple gun?

Staple gun.

Has it worked?

It's worked! OK.

Don't look yet.

I've started the clock.
OK. We've looked?

Yes, you've looked. Paul!

Scissors. Alex, do you remember me
telling you that I chipped my tooth?

Yes. I chipped it again
the other week. Well done.

Have you ever chipped a tooth, Joe?

I did actually knock out this tooth

mucking around on a ferry.

Bryan? It was Bryan...!

It was Bryan Ferry.

I'm just going to put
a bin bag over your head.

Can we do that, is that a bit
dangerous? Maybe cut a hole?

I think probably cut a hole.

Ha-ha!

Come with me. Come with me.
Lou, you're down there.

Paul, you need to get
in between Lou's legs.

Face-down or face up?

Face-up, probably,
for legal reasons.

I've got a lovely dentist.

Maybe you can give me
his details and I'll...

Six minutes.
They do Botox now, dentists.

Do they? Ohh.

You need to lie me next to Paul
so I can be the legs.

Can you breathe? Yeah.

Right. You lead, Lou,
you're the brain.

OK.

Wow, I must get
my cardiovascular in.

Here I go with my star jumps.

Out, in.

Out, in.

Out, in.

Out...

Hello, Joe. Hi.

You're walking very gingerly.

Yeah, I was just feeling really...

I've been a bit ill.

APPLAUSE

Very different teamwork approaches.

I mean, you had time for
a lovely chat about dentistry.

Partly cos Sian couldn't find the
end of the tape for three minutes.

Can I ask - was there any need at all

for Paul to have his head
covered in a bin bag

as he travelled
from house to outside?

It did mean Paul didn't say a lot.

This is the entirety of what
Paul said.

"Just tell me what to do.

"I need some help"

and then, "Face-down or face-up?"
when he was lying in Lou's crotch.

Do you want to have them
side by side -

you can see which is
the most convincing.

Joe and Sian.

THEY LAUGH

I am fascinated...

..as to the purpose of
the pole that's across...

..and I don't know how you can
argue you're moving together,

when clearly Sian is just
behind you under a blanket.

Yeah, I don't know.
The pole did start off being...

It was a cape. It was a cape.
It was a cape.

I think we were trying
to make a giant man

and then Sian would
sort of be behind it.

It's very dramatic, though.

It is. I mean,
there's some poise to it.

Theirs is a bit gross.

There's something sort of
human-centipedey about it.

I mean, even if you' squint,

that's someone with
major medical problems.

Six days before this filming,

I had an operation on
a right frozen shoulder.

I was told not to exercise it
in any way for two weeks.

Can I say it was odd that you
agreed to be the arms of the man.

I mean, that...
That's a freakish creation.

The other one's more human
but, arguably, Sian is just hiding.

But I do like
the majestic pole shoulders.

OK. I do think that does
look more like one person.

That's because it is one person.

So I think it's fair to say
3 points to the team of three

and 2 points to the team of two.

The team of three get 3 points.

APPLAUSE

Give me another task, naughty boy.

Well, actually, this task
is not quite over, Greg.

It's a two-parter?

It is a two-parter.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Exciting. You'll have to come back
and join us in Part Four

to find out what
the next part in this task is.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE
Hello!

Welcome to the final part of
tonight's penultimate episode.

Before the break,
we'd had one part of the task

but not the other part of the task.

Yes. So far the teams have
been awarded points

for making themselves
look like one person.

Joe and Sian got 2 points,
Iain, Lou and Paul got 3.

But little did they know

there was another task
awaiting them.

And here it is.

Thank you.

If you could open that task,
that'd be great.

For you. This is also for you.

Good luck.

LOU: Thank you. Oh, shit. Erm...

IAIN: Oh, my God,
is it another task?

HE WHISPERS: Just tell me
what it says.

Who are you talking to, Joe?
Oh, my back.

OK. "Remaining..." Yeah. No, no, no.
Back round, back round, back round.

Paul, no. Back round,
how you had it, yeah.

SIAN WHISPERS: "Remaining as
one person throughout..."

"Remaining as one person
throughout", it says...

"Put on these yellow Wellington
boots, eat this banana,

"and put the banana skin
in the yellow bin over there."

"Put on the Wellington boots,
eat the banana.

"Put the banana skin in the bin."

Fastest wins. Your time starts now.
OK, three things.

Iain, you can put the Welly boots on.

Where are they? Just one to
your left, one to your right.

They're little, aren't they?
There we go.

Come on. Feed me that banana, baby.

I'll get the wellies on. Mm.

Lou, you need to give me directions
to the Wellington boots!

Let Lou finish the banana first.

I don't know why I went for it!

Just go nice and slow.

I got it, I got it. OK.

Iain, Iain - to the left.

Maybe take your shoes off if you can.

I've got it, I've got it!
Well done, mate.

Oh...

Fastest wins, Joe.

They're not going to be
faster than this.

There's something weird
moving above me. That's Paul.

You're meant to still
look like one person.

Shit, we threw the banana skin away.

Why do we need the banana skin?

Because we need to put it in the bin.

It was in the goddamn task!
Oh, shit.

OK, roll over there and
get the banana skin there.

Let's go. That's it. Good lad.

Keep in your...
Let's all roll to our fronts

and then human-centipede our way...

LOU LAUGHS
Go! Go.

IAIN: Let's go.
Please remain as one person.

What part of this
is not one person?!

Paul, is that not
incredibly painful?

OK. Unbelievably.
Paul, get on all fours.

Thank you.

And it's over to Paul.

Is it in? Yeah!

I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE

I thought that Joe and Sian's
was really graceful,

and it looked like
a religious ceremony.

And even when you made the mistake,
you very gently picked the banana up

and then looked at camera,
"Yes...

"it's part of the way we do things,
here at Wooden Shoulder Mountain."

That's what happens when you put
a cape on. That's right.

I mean, the other team - it looked
like the end of the fucking world.

It was carnage!

Lou was trying to keep them
as one person.

At one point, she shouted, "Get up
my arse and wriggle!" to Paul.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ha-ha!

Well, it was fastest wins.
They took 5 minutes 43 seconds

to travel eight metres,

Sian and Joe,
3 minutes and 30 seconds.

So not that much quicker,
but they were quicker.

I would have given Sian and Joe less

if it hadn't seemed like
a pre-planned religious ceremony.

But it was so graceful
and pleasing to watch.

If you saw that in a cathedral
in sort of Southern Spain,

you'd think, "Bloody hell."

But imagine if
you saw ours in a church.

Sian and Joe, I'm giving 4 points,

and the nightmarish vision
I'm giving 1 point each.

APPLAUSE

Quick look at the scores,
then, I guess.

OK. Well, for the first time
this series, I think,

any one of the five could win
after the last task.

Iain is currently
in the lead by one point. Way!

APPLAUSE

Right, all to play for.

It's time for you to please
head to the stage

for the penultimate
Final Task of the show.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, everyone. Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Greg. Hello, Alex. Hi, Greg.

And who's going to read the task out?
Iain Stirling, please.

"Stack the most bowls and plates
on your head.

"You must stack them one at a time.

"Also, you must stand upright
when you stack.

"Also, you may not touch a bowl
or plate that is already stacked.

"Also, you must stack the bowls and
plates alternate... Alternately."

Getting there.

Turns out there's quite a few words
that are a problem for you.

I've got a law degree.

LAUGHTER

"Also, you must stay standing
at your spot throughout the task.

"Most bowls and plates stacked
correctly after 100 seconds wins."

So there are a few rules.

We're looking for the most bowls and
plates stacked on your head

at the end of the 30 plus
70 seconds - that's 100 seconds.

PAUL LAUGHS

So you have to bend down each time?

And get an individual one
and then go back upright. Yeah.

Yes. I understand. Does everyone
understand? Yes. Let's party.

Good luck.
Your 100 seconds starts...

CHEERING

Lovely.

Measured.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

AUIENCE: Oh!

Dammit!

He's out. Are you staying put,
are you?

He's sticking on that.

How long left, Alex?

25 seconds.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Ten...

'AUDIENCE CHANTS: ..Nine, eight,
seven, six, five, four...

Quick, a bowl!

AUDIENCE: ..three, two, one.
SHE SHRIEKS

That's all right,
the whistle had gone.

The whistle had gone when
mine came off, so it's OK.

Erm, we'll work it all out.

You come down and we'll add it
to the final scores of the show.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, sweetcheeks. All OK?

Yes, thank you. Yes.

It was quite a tense game
of Bowl Stack Plate Stack.

Tensest game I've ever seen of
Bowl Stack Plate Stack.

Yes, me too. Poor Sian.

Was I the only one
who dropped them all?

Yes. Oh. So, sadly, Sian stacked
zero plates or bowls,

but gets 1 point for coming last.

Joe, 2 points for getting
three bowls or plates.

Iain gets 3 points.
Paul, 4 - a tremendous effort.

But the winner of the task was Lou,

with 5 points and six
plate-bowl-plate-bowl-plate-bowl.

APPLAUSE

Good. Do you want to see
the scoreboard?

I want to see the scoreboard.

Yes. Well, it has affected it -
in this way...

She has risen to the top with
20 points - Lou wins the episode.

CHEERING

Lou Sanders is tonight's winner!

Please go and get protected.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that as a species
it's about time we started being

more responsible in our lives.

So, the next time
you take out a rubbish bag,

just pause for a second
and double-check,

because you never know when there is
a wild Paul Sinha lurking inside.

Let's all cheer again for
tonight's winner - Lou Sanders!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's the Final next.

That's exciting.

We'll see you there!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING