Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - The Bubble Brothers - full transcript

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Come on! Yes!

Hello and hello all over again.

'I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster. It's our first-ever
episode nine, so give that applause!


'It had better be good now.
The responsibility lies entirely
with the following contestants -

Alice Levine!

Asim Chaudhry!

Liza Tarbuck!

Russell Howard!

And Tim Vine!

'And here, fresh from
a busy stocktaking shift
at my ballbearing factory,

it's little Alex Horne!

Little Alex Horne.

'I thought it'd be nice tonight
if I had a nickname,
like a proper nickname. Ah.

'I've got some options. OK.
Nick. I could be called Nick.
Nick name. My nickname.

'The Great Avenger. Magnus IV of
Norway. Want me to come up with one?
Mrs Mouse. Yeah, go on.

I believe there is no distinction
in width between your head and neck.

I'm going to call you Plankhead.

Plankhead. OK.

'Plankhead here. Would you like
an overall series scoreboard update?
I most certainly would.

Two shows to go.
I will work from the bottom up.

We have Alice Levine on 118 points,
Asim on 125,

Russell on 143,

then we have Tim on 146
and Liza on 157.


We've got things to do, Alex.
Starting with the prize task.

'Today's prize task is bring in
the most pleasing thing
the same size as a cat.

Whichever item you think ticks both
categories best gets five points.

'The person with the most points will
take home five cat-sized pleasing
things. Lovely, Plankhead.

'OK, Tim Vine, I'd love you to start.
This is both pleasing and will get
big marks from you, hopefully,

'because it is the same size
as a cat. Good.
It is my cat skeleton toast rack.


It certainly looks like that cat
passed away very peacefully. It did.

"I'm gonna be what?!"

But the thing that... Hang on.
Have you got another cat?

'I've got a cat called Minton.
When he eats shuttlecocks,
I say, "Bad, Minton!"

Too much!
OK, you've blown your section.

I was quite into the skeleton.
Russell, what have you brought in?

I've brought in a thing
that I like to call a cat snack.

That is quite the effort.

It's got lovely nacho ears
and those lovely ribbons.

He's drooling
at how delicious it is.

Has it done a Fruitella shit or is
that its tail? Lovely bit of kit.

'Who is next? Asim, the only
contestant yet to win an episode.
We're hoping for big things.

This was my little sister.
She's nine.

This is her little cat pillow,
exactly the same size as a cat,

and it's very pleasing,
hopefully to you, Papa G.

It's just gone up one in the ratings
just because he called me Papa G.

'I haven't seen this, but from your
tone and how charming and smiling
you're being, my gut feeling -

and I could be wrong -
is this is going to be shit.

Want to see it? Yeah. ..Yep.

As I suspected.

'And your sister clearly cherishes it
because she loves it so much
she didn't take the bar code off.

'Who's next? Alice.
I've not been channelling the prizes
to you enough, I don't think.

"What will Greg want?"

I think we share a love of food,
so this is a cat-sized pavlova,

which you'd go head-first into.

I would just smash my face into it
without even seeing it.

I imagine your face nestled in
amongst those strawberries,

'pushing down into the cream...
I'm sorry, Alice. Listen, you're
like Asim. You talk a good game,

but that's just a pavlova.
Did you make that pavlova?

Em, well...

'You've said quite enough.
Oh, sorry, I should have said -
it's also a toast rack.

'Don't know if I made that clear.
Push the toast in, job done. That's
what you always say. Thank you.



'You know when you get to a stage
in life where you are suddenly quite
interested in gut health? Yeah.

So one of the things
the size of a cat

that is going to give you
a bag-load of pleasure

is, frankly,
a massive, massive stool.

Yeah. Please let it be a bar stool.

No. God...
Is this this stool?

Come on. Obviously,
that's not human, but it could be.

'You've got so much stuff left
in your tummy that if you actually
did that,

'I'm defying you not to feel pleasure
all day and, perhaps, a slight level
of disbelief.

'If I was carrying that round all day,
I'm going to feel jubilant
when I get rid of it. There you go.

'Now scores... OK. Pleasing. Are you
pleased by a big plateful of poo?
Yes, please. No, you're not.

'One point to Liza. One point.
Asim, you're very lucky
it wasn't you getting one point.

Two points to you.
Your cat is rubbish.

Alice, bringing a pavlova in...
Quite pleased.

I am going to eat it later. Three.

'Russell, you were so close to getting
the top spot, but if you hollow out
an animal, you get the five points.

Tim Vine, there we go.

We're going to start with something
much lighter. Ready? Yes, I am.

Hi, cheesecake. Hello, Alice.

Oh, bubble wrapped.

Right, why is it in bubble wrap?
Just in case.

You like? Trying to tempt me
into popping it? Just one more.

Satisfying, innit?

Ever had the one with the big
bubbles? Not allowed it. So good.


OK, here we go.

'"Make the biggest bubble
and burst it with your nose.
Ten minutes. Your time starts now."

Make the biggest bubble. I don't
have to make it with my nose?

I immediately thought of snot.

Make the biggest bubble. All right.

There was an economic bubble,
wasn't there? I'm overthinking it.

I'm going to get some Fairy Liquid.

'Look, I can't wait to see
how big the bubbles were. Burst...
Burst them with your nose.

'Burst it with your nose. We're going
to start with the Bubble Brothers,
as we call them. Oh,yeah.

Asim and Tim.
The Bubble Brothers. I like that.

I'm just going to run
to the tool-shed and back. OK.

I thought I'd lift it up and there
would be a lovely film there

and then I'd go like this...

Two minutes. Thank you.

Did I get that? Fuck!


Ah, look. Look at that.


Come on, you beauty!


There's a big one! See that one?
Yeah, got it.

Was that your nose? No.



Cheers, guys. Cheers, Asim.

It was lovely seeing you both
go back to childhood.

'Like watching two naughty boys.
But I'm afraid, just as it is
with real children,

sickening violence is never far away.

'For the first time in this show,
in all the episodes we've done,
Tim Vine swore during that.

The worst thing Tim Vine has said
in nine episodes is fiddlesticks.

'We have the replay of you cursing
at a bubble. Do you want to hear
him? Go on. It's not nice.



'Very American as well.
I've done it again now.

Tim, using a megaphone,
colander and clingfilm,

'a three-inch bubble diameter.
That's a twentieth
of a Danny DeVito.

That's how I think of it.

Asim's, his longest one
was one that was in a bowl.

It was sort of half a bubble,
four inches.

It's just a flat bubble.
Does it say...? I'm only asking.

'What was the task again?
Blow the biggest bubble...
Before "biggest"?

Blow. That just appeared.


'I'm just checking it.
I'm officially out of
the Bubble Brothers!

You sonofabitch!

I don't want to win points,
I want to win hearts.

'OK, I'll give him the points now.
Here's the thing.
Part One is complete.

'Tick it off your big old list
and get on with your life.
Until Part Two - then come back.

It's Taskmaster, it's the semi-final
and Alex Horne's turn to speak.

'I'm not ready, but I am now.
Our cast tried to create bubbles and
burst them with their little noses.

Next, all by herself, Alice Levine.

I know what you're gonna say,
but this is kind of like a bubble.

It's just a ball of air
with a membrane, right, a bubble?


Is that your bubble? Yeah.

'Get a quick reading on it.
It's half a metre. Quite good.
A 50cm bubble...bag.


Oh, God.

'Have you burst the bubble
with your nose? Nearly.
I need decent pressure.

It's getting there. It's not
the dramatic moment I'd hoped for.

Yep. Yep, it definitely popped it.
Look at that. We all heard it. Wow.

Dramatic. Down it goes.

"It's a ball of air with a membrane."
You happy with that definition?

'Yes. There are lots of different
types of bubble. Bubble wrap
is plastic with air inside. Tick.

What I'd question is did you pop it?
It's onomatopoeia.

Pop. Pop. Did you pop it?

When you think about...

I would say you pfffft it.

I feel like...
That's the noise it made!

Big old bubble. Biggest bubble.
Third of a DeVito. Half a metre.

OK, well, Liza and Russell
are next to have a go.

Can you Google, "How do I make
bubbles?"? I won't be long.

Six cups of water into one
container. One cup of dish soap.

Measure one tablespoon of glycerine,
a quarter cup of corn syrup...

Find a simpler one.

I'm not sure what the consistency
needs to be.

Have you got any chewing gum?
Try the kitchen. I'll have a look.

You look for easy ways
to make big bubbles.

You know where I'm going with this.

I found some chewing gum.

'Half a cup of washing-up liquid,
1¼ cups of water. Gently stir it...
Can you do me a favour?Not sure.

Go to the kitchen and do all that
and I'll do this.

There you are.

Want me to measure that? Wait.

I love a bubble, don't you?

Measure that. Pardon? Measure up!


Fucking...cos you spent ages!
You wouldn't say "please".

Measure that one now. Quickly.

Four centimetres.

Go on. 20 seconds.

Oh, fucking...!

Oh, fuck it all!


I think that's it. That is it.
Thanks very much. I enjoyed that.

That horrible gum slug
you were forcing out of your mouth.

I actually gagged watching you.

It looked like he was giving birth
to a baby swan. Know what I mean?

It was terrible. It was chewing gum.
That was part of the problem.

Love this.

'What sort of person would
deliberately leave chewing gum
around? So it was...

Yeah, Russell got a 4cm bubble.

He did pop it with his nose. Good.

It's not good. It was terrible!
Sorry. That was bad.

And Liza ended up with an eight-inch
bubble. Officially a whopper.

'Eight inches. The smallest was
Russell. Then it goes Tim, Asim,
Liza, Alice,

but did she pop it or not?
Popped or pffft?

'I think it would be pretty
mean-spirited if I didn't award her
the five points, so Iwill.

Oh, my!
Five points for Alice Levine!

That's what I said. Come on!

Hey, do you know what I want?
Yes, a scoreboard update. Yes, I do.

'OK, well, it's tight today.
Three people tied in third place.
The leader is Alice Levine on eight!


'Whatever is next, Alex?
How about an all-singing,
all-dancing Taskmaster spin-off?

Oh, wow.

Hello. Hi.

Where's...? Oh, he's in there.

Alex. Yes?

Show yourself.
Not... Just your face.

You look like a lovely little girl.
That was like a royal birth.

Want to do the honours? OK.

"Perform a scene from Taskmaster
The Musical. Best scene wins.

"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."


I hate musicals. So do I.
Just say it, don't sing. Dick.

We know it's raining.

Any musical instruments? Yes.
There's musical instruments.

All right.
I think we need to have a sit. Yes.


'I think we can all agree
that the musical is a loathsome
art form, can't we? Of course.

'When I say I like them...
# A spoonful of sugar... #
Not for diabetics.

I like musicals. Do you? I think
they're uplifting and...weird.

'I think they're sickening.
I can't truly be the friend of anyone
who likes them. So...

OK, we'll see the team of three
first. Let's see it. OK.

Hello. I'm Alex Horne.

# This is Taskmaster
Tasks must be done

# My first task is to find my son

# Here I am

# Task is done

# Now another task must be done

# My first task is to find my mum

# Here I am

# The task is done
Taskmaster, lots to be done

# Lots of tasks, lots of fun... #


Well, maybe I do like the musical.

That was really beautiful. Yeah.

'I gotta say,
Tim Vine is a lovely man, wonderful
man, but he's fuckingweird.

And this is very much
a Tim Vine production.

'I thought it was intriguing,
but there wasn't much of a story,
not much of a narrative to it.

The son had lost his mum, the mum had
lost her son. Oh, here they are!

There are Hollywood films
with less plot. Sure.

Time for a musical interlude now
as in an interlude from the musicals.

Join us again soon when Alice
and Russell take to the stage!

Part Three of the Taskmaster
Series Six semi-final.

And the end of the half-time interval
from Taskmaster The Musical.

We heard Asim, Liza and Tim's take
on the musical to end all musicals.

'Now, finally, or second,
it's Alice and Russell
with their excerpt fromTMTM.

One, two, three, four...

# Taskmaster The Musical

# Taskmaster The Musica-al

# The people in the house
making us do weird shit

# Is it any wonder
that it's Dave's biggest hit?

# Taskmaster The Musica-al

'# I don't know why
there's a darkness to this show
An underlying sadness

'# That you may not know
Alex loves Greg
Can't get him out of his head

# So for one song only
Alex, it's over to you

# I want a heartbreaking solo
What does Greg mean to you?

# Greg, Greg Davies

# I genuinely wish I was your son

# Taskmaster The Musical

# Taskmaster The Musical

# Taskmaster! #


Good. Wow.

'For the record, I would like it known
that I would have had to have
had Alex when I wasnine.

'A powerful piece of work,
by two people
who openly despise the art form.

That was pretty powerful.
We turned it into a science.

My bottom lip started to go
when you got to the crux of it

'and then, as far as I can work out,
you introduced a character
who'd been banging steroids.

And was very angry. As soon as
I put that tie on my head,

I thought, "We're in here."

I feel I looked a bit like
a sort of Aryan Tupac.

'Wow. That's the title
of your next show sorted.
..Shall we score them?

There's normally five points
available. They both had merits.

The first group had
a beautiful melody.

# Taskmaster, tasks to be done... #

# Taskmaster The Musical! #

# Alex loves... #

'I think that the first three were
converts of the musical theatre

'and what I saw in the second group
was a change. I saw them embrace
a different art form. Subsequently,

I will give Team Funk three points.
Three to Alice and Russell.

And the others a worthy two.
Two to Asim, Liza and Tim!

Next? Yes, please. I've got a
slightly different task for you now.

Hello, Tim. Hello. How are you?
Good, thank you.


Good heavens.

Throwing your money around, Alex.
That was exciting. Have I done it?

Catch some money. Maybe.

"Make an outfit of things bought
in this stationery shop.

'"You have ten minutes and £50
to shop, then 20 minutes to make
your outfit. Your time starts now."

'Thank you. Hello, how are you?
Good afternoon. Hi.
I've got £50 to spend inhere...

'Good. So everybody had to make
an outfit from the money they were
given in the stationeryshop.

Tim Vine...
Tim Vine had to make an outfit.


£50. We don't have the budget
for everyone to do that task.

Naughty Taskmaster.

'We knew Tim Vine would enjoy
the task, we knew Tim Vine would
make a pun at the end ofthe task.

'We want the four of you to watch
the task and write down on your
whiteboards beneath your seats

what pun you think Tim has gone for
with his outfit.

You get a bonus point each
if you get the pun right.

If no one gets it, Tim gets two.
Oh... OK?

Watch the video, write down your pun
and then we'll see. 'How are you?'

Good, thank you. Em...

'Gone for steam railways, Tim?
That is, yeah. You don't need
to know any more than that.

Thank you very much. Very kind.

Oh! Sorry about that.

We're off.

Straight away, we've got the hat.

Look at that. Morning.

Ah...I can't get that!

That's out of the equation.



'Very good. So there is one line,
a pun or combination of words,
that explains what his outfit is.

'Alice Levine, what do you think
it represented? For a lovely, juicy
extra point, here it comes...

Something to do with pulling in
to the train stationery.

Train stationery. OK. Asim?

I've gone for Tim Vine
if he was an action comic hero.

'So I've gone for Stationery Man!
And also like train station.
Stationery Man.

You're making a pun as well?
I did finish first, so... Liza?

You know that song
Choo Choo Ch-Boogie?

I do, yeah. Love it.
I don't think I got this entirely.

OK, Russell.
I went for trainstationery.

Was it? Well, let's see, shall we?

Are you comfortable? Yeah.

'Tim, can I ask you...
is there any reason
why you're covered in trains?

It's a tracksuit.

It's a tracksuit.

That is good. You're good.
That was beautiful.

Very good, very good.

'Two lovely bonus points for you, Tim.
I'd like to see everybody
participating in one more task.

Yes, OK. This one is in the bag.


Hi, Alex!

Can I? Shall I? Yes, please.

"Make this bag as heavy as possible.

"You have ten minutes. Then it must
hang unassisted for one minute.

"Heaviest bag at the end wins.
Time starts now."

In other words... Right, OK.

Just that...

It needs to be the heaviest
and hang by itself?

That's just so hard.

It's gonna snap. It'll break.

Might do.

Why make the task so difficult?

Like I forgot what the game is!

'OK. Pretty straightforward. Let's
have a look at it. We'll start with
two little men, Asim andRussell.

Start off with a football.
May as well.

Got a bag of rice.
I don't want this to split.

A crystal ball kind of thing.
A bag of rice and a crystal ball?

Classic Asim. Of course.

'I know I get extra points
for trivia. I have video evidence
has used every item thus far

in sex games.

This might be too much.
It is heavy. That's the thing.

It's very heavy.

That's what happens if you mess
with the dinner ladies.

That was a mad Sunday.

What have you got, Asim?

A lobster, some books,
flower pots.

I think that's your lot.



It's wonderful to see
two well-thought-out systems.

'Opening with a football,
that famously dense object
that takes up barely anyspace.

'Honestly, my perception is
I was watching two grown men
putting just anything into a bag.

That was out system. Riveting.

'Russell's added up to 10kg,
the same as two standard cats.

'Asim, half a Dalmatian. 16kg.
Two bricks, a lobster, some books,
some flower pots and cotton buds.

OK, run. Run! Run for your lives!
The adverts are coming!

'Good morning. It's the Taskmaster
semi-final and here's...
semi-Alex Horne.


'Interesting, innit? Yeah. I sometimes
wish I could distil you and pop you
in a little bottle round my neck.

'We were watching a task involving
plastic bags. They've to make them
as heavy as possible.

'Asim and Russell successfully shoved
quite a bit of stuff in their bags.
Next up, it's Liza and Alice!

'It's so fragile, I feel my best
option is not heavy objects,
but maybe water.

I think it's the shed for me.

It's not even that heavy.

I think I can get more water in.

OK. We're off.

'There's a hose round these parts,
isn't there?
This is costing me, time-wise.


Not sure how much of a difference
this will make.

Think I should go more?
20 seconds. Oh, fine.

Oh, hello.
He's a bit fierce, old hosey.

As I suspected.

Yeah, look at that.

They'd have found that very funny
in 1971.



Not bad at all. I'm happy with that.

Want to feel it? I'd love to.

Oh, that's nice, that.

Oh, yeah. Lovely.

Well done. Goodbye. Ta-ra.

'Two very different approaches.
Alice's... You sort of made it
a spa experience for yourself. Yes.

It was pleasing. It seemed like,
"Isn't this lovely?"

I heard some members of the audience
go, "I wish I could cup that bag."

'In stark contrast, Liza Tarbuck,
get a bucket, smash it in,
do a piss gag. Bang.

Loved it. Absolutely loved it.
It paid dividends, too.

Alice, 20.5kg.

That's two cats and 20 mice.

Liza, miraculously,
the bag didn't completely break.

It was still hanging. She left the
hose in, so the weight was constant.

Half an octopus - 27kg.

Oh! Look at that! Boss!

Tim Vine, then. A lot to beat.
Here he goes.

Is a bag still a bag if you add
gaffer tape to the handles?

Yes. Thank you.

You dare split there! You dare!


Where's the other hook?

Where's the hook?

Did you see where it went?
What's that? The hook.

You might have to fashion your own.

Fashion my own hook.

Come on, Vine!
Find the flippin' hook!

Did someone make me run
the wrong way? Where is it?

I didn't put it in the bag?
No one would do that, surely!

How long have I got? 40 seconds.
That bag must be on those scales.

Flippin' hook!

How long, please? 10 seconds.


What happened?

Well, I panicked about the hook.
I lost the hook.

Seriously, where's the flippin'
hook? Seriously, where's the hook?

Well, you were so close to it.

Is it on me?

Is it really?
I didn't put it on me, did I?

You're joking me! You're...

How did it end up there?

I didn't put it there, did I?

'That's like a magic trick.
I don't know how it happened.
If you watch very closely...

'I don't believe it!
If that was a task,
that's five points!

15 minutes spent looking for it.


And did you know it was there
all along? Yeah, cos it was just...

I mean, it's incredible. Like
a one-man Last of the Summer Wine.

Last of the Summer Vine.

'So let's do it by weight. He did
stuff the bag on at the end. Want
to give him a point? Ofcourse!

'Jesus Christ! I want to take him
home! It's one of the best things
I've ever seen in my life.

Weight-wise, it goes Tim,
then Russell, then Alice, then Asim,

but Liza Tarbuck got the most -

That was it.

So what's happening with the numbers?
Four points separate all five.


Fantastic game.

'Take your aching bodies off
those chairs and head to the stage
for the final task.

That clearly doesn't need explaining,
but someone explain it anyway.

How about Liza Tarbuck? Oh, yes!

"Pick up as many points as possible.

'"The person holding the most points
at the end of 100 seconds, wins!"
Simple one.

I will only count balls being held.
You can't put them within clothing.

You also can't just pick up
the pool. Just handle balls.

'They all have different points
on them. Your 100 seconds
to pick up points starts...


Popping the points.

Different tactics.

A lot of popping the points.

'You finished, Liza? I think so.
I can't be arsed going down.
Fair enough. Can't be arsed.

They must be off the ground.
They must be off the ground.

40 seconds!

'Can I retrieve that one?
Yes, you can retrieve it.
There it is.

That's worth ten.

It's off the ground.

15 seconds left!

Come on, Alice!

OK, you've got six seconds!

You must stand still
after five, four, three, two, one!


I can confirm Russell's lower pink
is off the ground.

Thank... Thank God.

'You would have thought
Russell would have learnt his lesson
with the chewing gum. Come back down

and we'll add those
to the final scores.

Good? It was good. I found it
difficult to concentrate.

There was something just...

What's that? Oh, yeah.

There it is.


There it is. All the time.

So, the scores... Yes.

Asim Chaudhry has never won
an episode. He picked up 48 points.

Yeah. But that's...

Oh, it's the lowest.
No! The lowest.

No! Why would you do that to him?
He has to know.

'You know how close he is to the edge.
Then we move up to Liza
on 50 points.

Alice and Tim on 55.
Russell picked up 68 points!

He had everything.

All that means that Liza is now
nine points clear in the series.

OK. She's got a strong lead,
but she's catchable.

'One point separates Alice and Asim
at the other end, but today,
it looks like this.

The winner was...Alice Levine!



'Alice Levine wins.
Go and claim your cat-sized turd,
you lucky, lucky lady!

I don't want it!

'So what have we learnt today?
If you're looking for somewhere
to hang your jacket,

'hang it on Tim Vine's jacket!
And we should once again applaud
tonight's winner - AliceLevine!


Mega congratulations to her.

Goodnight, everyone. We'll see you
next time for the final!

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