Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - What Kind of Pictures? - full transcript

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SHE LAUGHS

Ooh!

HE MAKES RASPBERRY SOUND

Agh!
Oh...

Come on!

Yeah!
Um...

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Hello! I'm Greg Davies,
and this is Taskmaster.

Back when I was posing for
this trophy,

I started thinking about
our contestants,

about the enormous pressure
they're under here,



and how you can see the lines
getting deeper and deeper

on their already-exhausted faces.
That was a good day!

So, let's get on with it and meet
the five people battling it out

to make you happy. They are...

Alice Levine...
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

..Asim Chaudhry...
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

..Liza Tarbuck...Russell Howard...
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Tim Vine!
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Oh, and look what's just plonked
itself on the little seat next to me!

It's...little Alex Horne!
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Got to get on with the show,
but let's banter. OK.

I've got a confession to make.
Oh?!

I did something to you
when you were asleep last night.

WITH you. I did something FOR you.
For and with?



Yes. It involved my two favourite
things - your face, and rubbing.

Ready? I did a little brass rubbing
of your face.

Ohhh!

Do you like it? I do like it.
How does it make you feel?

It's really nice.
That's exactly how I sleep -

with my eyes wide open.
LAUGHTER

So, shall we get on with the show?

Of course! So, we're gonna start
with a prize task.

The theme for this show is,

who can bring in
the most interesting footwear?

Asim! You might be into this.
Basically, I was out in LA.

Not to name-drop or anything,
but me and the Kurupt FM boys,

we know a couple of famous rappers
out there. Yeah?

There's a guy called Post Malone,
and he's got a room full of shoes

that he never, ever wears.
HE LAUGHS

So I picked up
three pairs of trainers - Three?!

But... Yeah! It's bad enough
being greedy at a buffet.

LAUGHTER

But there were these cowboy boots
that I saw,

and I thought, trainer on one foot,
cowboy boot... Smart casual.

He has worn these in public before.
I have, yeah, many times.

Here it is.
MUSIC AND BACKGROUND CHATTER

Smart casual.

LAUGHTER

That explains it.
I dunno what you do with that.

APPLAUSE
I was about to say,

this is the first prize task you've
done that isn't a picture of you,

and the camera pans up, and you've
got a picture of you on your T-shirt.

ALL LAUGH
Who's next?

Alice. So, I've gone for something
that's gone out of fashion,

but I think it's gonna make
a comeback. It's the verruca sock.

AUDIENCE GROANING / LAUGHTER

Ohhh!
Um...

Wow! Jesus! They are the exact
same Pantone shade as my skin,

so they're actually my pair.
LAUGHTER

They're absolutely repellent.
Aren't they?!

They're... They're not flying off
the shelves as they used to,

which I find interesting. That's
because the verruca became extinct

in 1985.
ALL LAUGH

Thank you. Who's next?

Do you wanna look at
Tim's interesting footwear? Tim!

This keeps
one part of your foot warm.

Oh!
It's a big-toe bobble hat.

Mm!
LAUGHTER

You wanna see? Look, there's one.
LAUGHTER

I'll wager you knitted that yourself.
It was my mother.

LAUGHTER
Is that your foot, Tim?

That is my foot. That's a nice foot.
Second toenail from the end

a little long, but apart from that,
I'm really enjoying it.

And how shy is your little toe?!
LAUGHTER

He lets the big toe do
the glamour work.

HE LAUGHS
I really like Big Toe,

and I really like SAYING
big-toe bobble hat.

Yeah. Me, too. You try and say it.
Big-toe bobble hat!

It'd be a good exclamation.
Instead of saying, "Fuckin' hell,"

"Big-toe bobble hat!"

Why don't we fight the urge to swear
in this show?

Every time we wanna swear...

Why doesn't everyone not swear,
but I will swear?

I'd love to hear you drop the C-bomb
while I was big-toe bobble-hatting.

LAUGHTER
Cycling?

ALL LAUGH

APPLAUSE

Lovely. Liza? Er, the whole idea
of putting shoes on dogs.

Come on! You're gonna be feeling
things with your feet

if you're a dog,
or certainly trying to.

Not with four silicon things
shoved on them.

LAUGHTER
Silicon pet-dog boots, from Liza.

There they are.
LAUGHTER

Imagine if you will,
and I was imagining,

a champagne-coloured Chihuahua
in them,

tippety-tapping round
like a bloody water boatman!

LAUGHTER

ALL LAUGH

Of all the analogies!
Well, you know what I mean.

I don't think I've heard
"water boatman"

since a 1981 science lesson!

What's happened?
Have we gone back in a time machine

to the land of verrucas
and water boatmen?

Those were the good old days!
They're a cracking pair of shoes.

Can we see a dog in them, or...
Well, I've got - Oi!

LAUGHTER
They're ridiculous shoes. Well done.

Russell,
what's your interesting footwear?

Last year I was at the Liverpool
Football Club awards ceremony,

and there was an auction where you
could buy the footballers' boots.

And the footballer I liked the most
was a man called Philippe Coutinho,

who's since left Liverpool.
Big Coutinho fans in. Where?

LAUGHTER
Here are the boots.

That is the real deal.
So, did they just send you one?

They just sent one, yeah. It doesn't
look like he plays for Liverpool.

It looks like he plays for
Authenti City.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK. I am putting Alice's verruca sock
in last place.

What?!
Is that your final decision?

I find verrucas slightly less
interesting than football.

I'm putting Russell's football boots,
er, for two points.

One to Alice, two to Russell.
I like humiliating dogs,

and so, er, three points to Liza.
OK.

Oh, now it's getting exciting, innit?
Between Asim and Tim.

Between someone
who actually met a rapper...

What sort of person
would put big-toe bobble hat -

I think Post Malone would love
big-toe bobble hat.

I'd say give it to Tim.
Oh! This is some -

Very clever psychology. Very clever!
LAUGHTER

You see, a weak man would be
influenced by your generosity

and think,
"Oh, I should give it to you now,

when I was gonna give it to
big-toe bobble hat."

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do!

Big-toe bobble hat
has been pushed into second place

by your generosity.
One cowboy boot, one trainer!

He takes it!
That's how easy this game is!

APPLAUSE

THEY SPEAK UNDER APPLAUSE
All right, little man.

What task have you got lined up
first? It's, er... It's a surprise!

Oh! Ready?
LAUGHTER

Here we go.

RAGGED, UNSTEADY BREATHING

ROBIN SINGS

Hi, Alex!
Oh! Hello, Liza.

Hey, girl.

Hello.
ALEX: Hello, Russell.

How's it going?
I'm feeling very happy today.

Oh, look at that!
Oh, look at that egg!

I've just had a coffee.
LAUGHTER

Do I just crack into this?

Oh, it's so tiny!

"Put something genuinely surprising
inside this chocolate egg."

"You have one hour, after which Alex
will open your chocolate egg."

Your time starts now.

Now, then, I...
Normally there's something to read.

LAUGHTER
ALEX: I'm gonna actually go away. OK.

Cos I've got to be surprised by it.
Yes, of course.

See you in an hour, mate.
I could put a spider in it,

but I really hate spiders, so how am
I gonna catch a spider and put it in

without touching a spider
or looking at a spider?

So, I'm just gonna go in the garden
and see whether or not I can,

using this system, um, catch a bee.

SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

Cut that out...

Wouldn't it be nice that, if
you opened it, it played something?

Never mind Taskmaster. If I do this,
it'll be television history!

LAUGHTER
Please, God! Please, please, please!

When you want to try and find a bee,
what's the first thing YOU do?

Climb a tree. Climb a tree!
LAUGHTER

OK. Shall we start with
Alice Levine's attempt?

Oh, yeah!
OK. Here we go.

Is that it?
Mm! OK.

"This egg contains the key
to your fortune."

Wasn't expecting that.

Mm. There he is.

I wasn't expecting this to be in it.
So, so far, so surprised?

Oh!

It says my personal
identification number is...

FOUR BEEPS

..which is correct.
It's also the code for my phone,

and, when you go into my house,
my burglar alarm.

Are you surprised?
I am quite surprised.

SHE LAUGHS

It was unsettling, Alice.

I think that's a bonus emotion,
but surprise was the premier one.

I was quite surprised
I said it out loud.

I was really surprised
you said it out loud!

SHE LAUGHS
Bye. Bye!

Two things, for those of you
who were confused by the beeps.

Alex's personal identification number
is 3-0... Beep, beep!

..4-7. Beep, beep!
LAUGHTER

There's very little left now.
How surprised were you?

I was surprised
that you'd found out the number.

I was surprised that my wife
had GIVEN her the number...

LAUGHTER

..and by the amount of money
that's come out of my account since.

So, yeah! I was, overall, surprised.

Hello, autocue!
We have to take a short break now.

See you after that.
AUDIENCE CHEERS

Well, if it isn't
little old part-two time!

Remind us of what was happening
in part one, please, Alex.

The ladies and mens
have been trying to put

something genuinely surprising
into a chocolate egg.

So far I've been the victim
of fraud, thanks to Alice Levine,

but we haven't seen Asim and Tim,
have we?

No!
Asim and Tim. Here we go.

Alex? Your egg's ready, mate.

Hello, Tim.
Hello.

LAUGHTER

'Well, open up,
and I hope you're surprised.

Your hands are dirty. Yeah. It's not
been without...problems, this.

LAUGHTER
I'm gonna open the egg. Go for it.

Any advice? Just be gentle with it.
That's what I would say.

Open it up gently.
OK.

HE CHUCKLES

There's a little worm in there.
Yeah. It's Jim.

That is quite surprising.
Yeah. Love a good worm,

but I really wanted to find
a ladybird for you, mate.

Oh, that would've been
a nice surprise.

And imagine,
it would've just fluttered up -

But the worm just...sat there.
LAUGHTER

BUZZING

ALL LAUGH
TIM GIGGLES

You're surprised!
It WAS surprising!

What was his name? Philip. Well
done, Philip! That was a good job.

APPLAUSE

OK. Asim, you were aiming for
a ladybird. Yeah.

In the order of
enchanting creatures...

ALL LAUGH
..I always go butterfly...

Mm.
..ladybird, worm.

LAUGHTER
Yeah. I mean...

what I did there was a shit version
of what Tim...

Tim did the real thing.
He got a bee, which is amazing.

No, he didn't.
It was a fly.

LAUGHTER
Were you surprised by the worm?

This is up to you, really.
I was intrigued by the worm.

Intrigued, not surprised.
LAUGHTER

Philip the fly. He came out...
and he turned to look at Alex.

LAUGHTER
He... He turned!

He did! He climbed out,
and he turned, like that.

He looked at Alex and went,
"Surprise!"

LAUGHTER

It was almost as though I'd gone,
"And beat, and go."

ALL LAUGH
Excellent. Excellent!

The most enchanting thing for me
was just how pleased YOU were

at the way that you and Philip
had worked together,

and I think we've got a clip...
The moment when Philip came out.

This is Tim's reaction.
TIM GIGGLES DELIGHTEDLY

TIM GIGGLES ON REPEATING LOOP

APPLAUSE
Giggly and girly! I love it.

How surprised were you?
That's the question.

Oh! I was surprised.
Big but brief. Good.

Who's next?

Next it's Russ... Loward.
Russ Loward.

Hello.
Hi, Russell.

There it is.
That's the egg.

I think this is gonna evolve
our friendship.

Friendship?!
Yeah, yeah. Start.

Yes.
Start.

Here I go.
Mm-hm.

Mm?
Yeah. OK, that's a little surprise.

Uh-huh.

Ooh!
"A trip for two to watch Liverpool,

a week's holiday in a Spanish villa,

the book
How Green Were The Nazis?..."

Yep!
That is... I wasn't expecting that.

Nope! "And a single grain of rice,
signed."

Yeah. By...?
Chris Rock.

There it is.
What...

That's the rice.
Yeah, but where's the signature?

Just there. See?

So, how do I get the others?
Chris Rock!

The trip for two to watch Liverpool
is being sorted,

so the tickets'll be with you.
Me and...

Whoever you wanna take.
You? Er, yeah, I'll go with you.

You don't have to.
LAUGHTER

And the week's holiday, my mum
and dad have got a villa in Spain.

It's, er, only in July.
That's the only caveat. The holiday?

Yeah.
OK.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's the only time they've got it.
I dunno about how surprised YOU were,

but I'm surprised that Russell put
a pro-Nazi book in your egg.

It's a surprising book.
It doesn't mean I'm pro-Nazi.

I mean, I've got the look,
but I'm not.

LAUGHTER

And you and me went to
a football game.

We did. And it was really exciting,
because it isn't about Alex.

It's about his son,
who had a surprising, wonderful day.

My son loved the game. But he found
the book confusing, so it's really -

LAUGHTER

Well, you can see how surprised
I was to be at Anfield

with Russell Howard and my son,
wearing this outfit.

This is what I looked like.
LAUGHTER

It's great! Lots of lovely surprises.
Are you gonna go to Spain?

You've got to, otherwise it's rude.
I've got to, otherwise it's rude.

OK, Liza's one.
Liza's big egg surprise!

SHE LAUGHS

Alex! I'm ready!
I'm ready. Are you ready?

Yeah, really ready.

Hi!
Hmm! What do you want me to do?

I want you to be surprised by it.

Looks like a bomb.
Sure! It might be.

Surprising, though.
LAUGHTER

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
LAUGHTER

I'm ready.
OK.

TINNY ELECTRONIC VOICE:

HE CHUCKLES

Are you surprised?
I wasn't expecting that at all.

How do you feel about that?
I haven't got a garage. Don't you?

I did, but I converted it into the
spare room for my wife's parents.

I mean,
we do still call it the garage.

That's where he is.

How long has he been there?
Don't know.

He's a dangerous man.

Thank you, Liza.
Yeah!

APPLAUSE

I didn't see THAT coming.
Which bit?

LAUGHTER

Well, the recording,
the content of the recording,

and then the story
to back up the recording,

that Jeremy Irons
is still in my house.

He's a funny bloke, isn't he?
LAUGHTER

He's a weird lad! All the acting,
and now just all the hiding.

LAUGHTER

What's the least surprising thing
that you saw?

I was genuinely freaked out
when I saw my own PIN.

That's the honest truth.
Yeah!

And then the realisation it was
the treachery of your actual wife!

At first I thought, "My wife's
gonna be so cross with me."

And then I thought, "Oh, I'm
supposed to be cross with her."

"But if I get cross with her,
she will be cross with me."

She's lovely, but strict.
Jesus, wait till she finds out

that Jeremy Irons is in the garage!

ALL LAUGH
Congratulations. Five fat points.

Whoo! Without doubt, second place -
four points, Tim Vine.

There you go. Without a doubt.
And these three?

'I would like to put them
in joint third, with three points.
Let it be so, then!

Whoo!
The scoreboard, please, Alex.

OK. The scoreboard
after that task... Ooh, it's tight!

Three points separating
all five of them.

In the lead, it's Asim and Tim...
Oh! ..with eight points.

Oh!
Look at that!

Worth saying, Asim hasn't won
an episode. We're eight episodes in.

So this is a chance.
Let's see. What's next?

A task, and this one involves
an extra entity. Ooh!

Hello!

How lovely to see you!
Very nice to see you, too.

I'm Tim.
I'm Russell. I'm Carol.

Carol. Nice to meet you.
ALEX: Hello, Alice. Oh, hiya.

How are you, Carol?
I'm very well today, thank you.

Would you like that?
Yes.

Do you know what's in here?
No!

"Find out what you have in common
with this person."

They could've put "Carol",
couldn't they?

"You must look the person in the eye
throughout the task"...

'.."and shake hands every time
you discover something
you have in common."

"Most remarkable things
in common wins."

"You have a maximum of ten minutes.
Your time starts now."

Oh, Carol, we have much to learn
about one another. Yes, we have.

APPLAUSE

So, most remarkable things
that they have in common?

Most remarkable things.
For example, we both know someone

who's met Princess Anne. We do.
Mm. You've met Princess Anne.

And I know myself.
LAUGHTER

Right. We'll have to leave Carol
there for now and take a break,

I think. Return soon for
the third part of Taskmaster,

and more Carol!
AUDIENCE CHEERS

AUDIENCE CHEERS
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's like
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,

but instead of money,
your prize is a used verruca sock.

Alex, who are we going to see first,

discovering interesting things
about Carol...

OK. ..and themselves?
First up, it's the two people

who are just closest to Carol's age.
It's Tim and Liza.

SHE CHUCKLES

Um, what colour's your duvet?
It's a dusky pink.

Do you like people generally?
Oh, absolutely.

Oh, I love them as well! Have you
got a double or a king-size bed?

A double bed.
Oh, right.

LAUGHTER

Do you like sewing?
Oh, yes! Oh, so do I.

Do you play any sport at all?
No! Goodness gracious me.

Any games?
Uno. We play a lot of Uno.

I've got Uno! I play Scrabble,
as well. Scrabble, yes.

Are you good at Scrabble?
Yes. Yeah. Me, too.

Have you ever drunk wine?
Oh, yes.

Have you ever drunk vodka?
No.

Not even once? Not even once, no.
Guinness? No.

Have you got a ladder at home?
Oh, yes. Yes. Me, too.

Have you got an oven?
Yes, I have. So have I.

Are you something of a connoisseur?

Oh, no!
Whatever Sainsbury's has on offer.

Well, we've all been there too,
haven't we? Hats off to you!

You don't play sport now.
Did you when you were younger?

At school.
I used to play tennis very badly!

I play tennis quite badly. Was your
second serve part of the problem?

You used to constantly put
both serves in the net?

Both serves in the net, yes.
That's a very specific thing

we have in common. That was my
problem. Both serves into the net.

Do you think you're an old soul?
I think I may be, yes.

Yes. I know I am.
LIZA LAUGHS

Er, do you have a favourite colour?
Purple. Purple's mine.

Even though I'm wearing red.
That's simply for colour.

WHISTLE BLOWS
HE LAUGHS

Thank you.
Tim, thank you.

Whatever happens, it was a great joy

to discover we had all those things
in common. Absolutely.

WHISTLE BLOWS

ALEX: How long has purple been your
favourite colour? Quite some time!

Mm?
I pretend it's green. It isn't.

CAROL LAUGHS
Purple, is it?

Yeah! Will I find some pictures
of you wearing purple anywhere?

What kind of pictures?!
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What sort of remarkable things
were YOU hoping

that Carol and Liza
would find out about themselves?

Well, I thought maybe more than
ladders and ovens from Tim.

Let me put it to you, Tim.
What was the most remarkable thing

that you found that you and Carol
had in common?

I think we were both in the film
The Bridge Over The River Kwai.

LAUGHTER
Mm.

Of course, Liza,
I'm gonna have to address the fact

that you were,
in my opinion, clearly lying

about purple being
your favourite colour.

LAUGHTER
Purple is my favourite colour.

Is it? Yeah!
Swear on your life.

What's the point of that?
LAUGHTER

Good. Who's next? Next to the table,
Alice and Russell.

Carol, are you a human?
I am a human.

Same here.
Carol, have you dyed your hair?

Yes, I have.
So have I.

What do you do as your job?
I'm retired, but I was a teacher.

What was your favourite subject?
I taught home economics.

Oh, cooking?
Yes. I love to cook.

I've written a cookbook, actually.
Have you? Yeah.

Do you wear glasses?
Yes, I do. Same here, Carol.

Um, when you get your eyes tested,

do they put cotton buds
under the eyes and flip them up?

No. They do with me. I thought
we might have that in common.

The reason I have it done is -
direct quote -

I've got fat eyelids.

I've noticed. OK.
LAUGHTER

Where do you like to go on holiday?
I prefer England.

So do I! Yes. Yes.
It's closer, isn't it?

Much closer, and much less hassle.
I don't like fighting in airports.

Do you like earwax-removal videos?
LAUGHTER

I beg your pardon? There's a video
where you can watch earwax removal

on the internet,
and it's unbelievably compelling.

No, I haven't yet.
But it may be... Yes.

So, look at that. Ugh!
SHE LAUGHS

It's all right, innit? Where do you
stand with that? That's wonderful.

Yes.

What star sign are you?
Cancer.

So am I.
What date is your birthday?

The 11th of July.
Mine's the eighth of July.

That's near enough. I'm gonna say
same week! Yes! I'm gonna say that.

What's your Death Row meal?
Death Row meal would be salmon...

Really? ..asparagus,
and new potatoes, please.

Wow! Very... Very light.
Yes.

Is your aim that, hopefully,
that you defecate so wildly

when you're killed that they'll have
to deal with all these problems?

Wouldn't that be wonderful?
Asparagus and sprouts...

That's a bonanza.
Yes. So, same here, Carol,

cos when I die, I'd like to create
a mess for them to clean up.

WHISTLE BLOWS
And do you have Cancerian traits?

I think I do, yes. The home-maker...
What else are we?

What are the other kind of...
All-round lovely people.

Yeah. I'll shake on that.
I'll absolutely shake on that.

WHISTLE BLOWS
There we are. Thank you. Bye!

APPLAUSE
All-round lovely people.

Let's think points here,
and about remarkable things

that you and Carol discovered
about each other.

Coming on to you, you lunatic.
We're twins, essentially.

Well, you did seem to get on
genuinely very nicely.

I was a bit confused,
because I thought it was gonna be

a bit like,
"The connection is, I'm your mum!"

I thought there was gonna be a thing
that connected us.

I see. You thought we were gonna find
out the surprising thing FOR you.

Yes. So you went for a series of
pretty straightforward questions.

LAUGHTER

We both do really, um, like
going on holiday in the UK.

How remarkable!
LAUGHTER

But I think the fact that
you were born close to each other...

That's a good example
of a remarkable thing.

Now... Oh, God!
LAUGHTER

I mean, I have to reward ambition,

and to jump from polite chit-chat

to, "Do you wanna see someone
hoofing earwax out of their ear?"...

And she did.
And she didn't seem horrified by it!

No. She loved it.
We had a hand-shake afterwards.

It actually made me gip, genuinely.
Well, it's awful,

but there was a twinkle in her eyes,
and I was, "I know this girl."

I'm beginning to think Carol is just
a nice lady who'll agree to anything.

Finally,
it's one of the most connected

and personable people
in the universe,

and we're gonna see her meeting
Asim Chaudhry.

HE LAUGHS
You are human?

I am, yes.
Same.

You have teeth?
I do have teeth, yes.

And hair? I have hair, yes.
I have loads. I'm covered in it.

You have lips.
Let's just do the whole body. Yes.

You have hands!
Absolutely, yes. Nails?

Yes. And... OK. Well,
the private parts are different,

but we have private parts, though,
don't we? Yes!

There we go. We have something
in common there.

What's your actual job?
I didn't even ask you.

I was a home-economics teacher.
I taught in a primary school.

Is it primary school?
No, the secondaries.

Oh, shit. We both taught!
I taught for a week.

I think that's quite remarkable.
It is. We both taught in a school.

Yes.
Are you a dog or a cat person?

Dog.
Are you? Shit. I'm a cat person.

What's your favourite item
of clothing? Nice jackets, shoes?

What's your favourite?
Oh, I like YOUR shoes!

Well, I like shoes, yes.
You like trainers? Yes.

We both have funky trainers on.
Well, there we are.

I've got some funky kind of Nikes.
SHE GASPS

Funky shoes! Yes!
Have you won any awards?

Not that I can think of. Um...

I have.
What?

I've won a BAFTA, an RTS award.

But I was just seeing if we were
a match, if we'd both won...

You must've won an award. I...
WHISTLE BLOWS

Thank her!
Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Bye.

I was blown away by
the quick-fire... The trainers!

The natural chat...
The funky trainers!

They were incidental things,
but it was very relaxed.

You know what it's about? It doesn't
matter how different you are.

We were so... We were like
polar opposites, me and her,

but we got on!
And we found shit in common.

That's what Carol
was telling me earlier. Yeah!

"Just found some shit in common."
She hadn't won a BAFTA.

She hasn't won a BAFTA.
You really pushed that!

I just wanted to slip that in,
to be fair.

LAUGHTER
OK. You gonna judge this?

No-one's gonna get one point.
Oh!

Cos I think that Carol made
five lovely new friends here.

She just preferred some over others.
OK.

And my feeling is that, um,
two points... Right.

..because there was only one
remarkable thing that they shared

is Tim and Alice. Tim and Alice
will get two points each.

The tennis and the birthday.
The tennis and the birthday. OK.

And then Liza will come in next,

because there was
a lot of physical contact,

and some things in common, despite
the fact she was clearly lying

about purple. Two.
He led the witness like mad,

but he had ambition, Russell,
but there was just, to me,

a special bond
between Asim and Carol.

The shoes, the BAFTAs...
It'll never be broken.

And therefore I'm gonna give him
all five points! To hell with it!

Asim Chaudhry, another five points!

APPLAUSE
Another.

This one has a bit of everything,
by which I mean children's games,

shoes, and art.
LAUGHTER

HE CHUCKLES
Hello!

ALEX: This your sort of thing,
Russell? Yeah!

Let's see what we've got.

"Wearing these high heels,
create the best dot-to-dot picture

on this canvas. You have
ten minutes. Your time starts now."

Fantastic!

ALEX: There are some number stickers
behind you. Right.

So you're leaving the dots...
Ah! ..and we'll complete it.

I'm gonna get rid of these,

because I feel like
they might damage the thing.

Are you familiar with dot-to-dots?
Very!

LAUGHTER

OK. Who's first? OK. We're gonna see
Alice, Asim and Russell

in high heels. Ready?
Yes, please. Here we go.

Ooh! Hurt, innit?

They're actually really painful,
so I gotta do this pretty quick.

Oh, this is gonna take a long time.

LAUGHTER

Bang, bang...

Ah!

ASIM LAUGHS

How do women do this?!

Just realised this might look weird
if you join it all together.

But it'll be somewhat what I wanted.

But also nothing what I wanted.

Do you think he could work out
what it is without drawing it?

I think, probably.
Mm.

Er, yeah. I think...
I think he'll be fine.

Thank you, Asim.
Cheers, Alex! Great work.

See you!
APPLAUSE

Do you wanna start with Asim's?
Yes! OK. I'll show you the dots.

From the picture, you get a rough
idea of what he was trying to do.

This is before I've joined the dots.
LAUGHTER

That is Asim's favourite emoji.
Yeah.

Which is, of course, the little man
sticking his tongue out. What?

With a little wink.
You know that one, that... Yeah.

That's my favourite emoji.
This is the emoji.

Is that big enough?
Oh, come on!

I'll make it bigger.
Oh, there we go.

No, that's not the exact one,
cos he has the wink.

You think the problem is that it's
not winking? That's the problem!

LAUGHTER
If we go back to Asim's,

I will now join Asim's dots,
as per the numbers. There we are.

LAUGHTER

It's a little bit
Picasso-kinda-esque.

Yeah! That's what Picasso did.
He took an image,

and then he made it unrecognisable.
LAUGHTER

Alice, I'm not entirely sure
you grasped the concept

of join-the-dots.
Sure. It's meant to be a mystery

before you join the dots, but -
I didn't know it was a mystery.

You can usually see the face
on a dot-to-dot.

The ones that have
partially drawn-in faces

are for really simple children.

I mean, it does work.
I can join the dots now,

and it works. You numbered it
correctly. There you go.

T...M. There.

I think, if you gave that dot-to-dot

to a bored child
in the back of the car,

afterwards, they would be more bored.

LAUGHTER

OK. Who's next?
So, this is Russell's dots.

Here we go. There we are.
There we are. Oh!

Now,
there was a slight problem here.

He didn't put
any numbered stickers on. Ohhhh!

So, for a child, fairly vital.

They could've gone two ways. Do you
wanna go for my six-year-old child

or my nine-year-old child?
Six, please.

OK. He struggled.
OK. He did...

LAUGHTER

It's like a warrior.
That's... That's all right.

My nine year old did it as we
presume you wanted it to be done...

I guess. I mean, you said
it was a picture of me. Yes.

It was that time that
you almost got totally cut in half

in your beekeeper's outfit,
wasn't it?

LAUGHTER
Let's just get numbers out of it.

Let's just make it all about the
art, about the fun for the kids!

That sort of bullshit's gonna work
on Carol, not on me, mate.

And that is the penultimate part
of the show finished.

One more part to go,
and it's going to be really nice.

See you there!
AUDIENCE CHEERING

AUDIENCE CHEERING
Hi, there,

and welcome back to Taskmaster,
part four.

Yes. We've been watching people
making dot-to-dot puzzles

by perforating polystyrene
with high heels,

just like we all used to do
when we were little children!

So far we've had a picture of me,
an emoji,

and the letters T and M,
so not great. Next...

LAUGHTER
..it's the turn of the grown-ups!

Tim and Liza.

Oh, I like your technique.
Thank you.

SHE LAUGHS

HE LAUGHS
What a ridiculous thing to be doing!

Right, come on.

Oh, that's a bit of a splodge.

Trousers coming down again.
LAUGHTER

I think you might've created
something quite powerful here.

Do you? I hope so!

I'll tell you what it is afterwards.
Won't I be able to tell?

No, you won't get this.
Lovely. That's me, then.

Thank you for your picture.
Thank you so much. Goodbye.

Which one do you wanna see first?
Um, Tim's, please.

Good luck with this. This is
pre-joining the dots, obviously. OK.

You can guess at this stage
what you think it is.

You'd better join them,
following the numbers.

Of course I'll follow the numbers.
Fish!

It is aqua-related.
I think it's a sideways jellyfish,

swimming freely through the ocean.

Viewed from above,
that is the bow of the Titanic

on the bed of the ocean,
and debris around it, which...

LAUGHTER / APPLAUSE

THEY SPEAK UNDER APPLAUSE

Honestly, we've done several series
of this show,

and I do not know
what they're applauding.

LAUGHTER
I mean, I don't want to...

to talk up my own art,

but, um...one of the feelings
I get from it is...

BOTH LAUGH

..is that...a sense that you just,
as the viewer,

you just want the camera to pull out
and see some more,

because the whole sea bed...

It's a beautiful memorial,

represented by simple lines
and numbers.

There we are. Haunting!
LAUGHTER

Let's see what, er, Liza
pulls out of the bag.

This is pre-joining of the dots.
OK.

LAUGHTER

I didn't give them all
to my children!

Do you want me to, um...

LAUGHTER
Do you want me to join them?

I mean, do we actually need to?
LAUGHTER

Here we go.
LAUGHTER

There we go!
It's a hammer, found on the Titanic.

LAUGHTER

The first cock and balls,
um, recorded

is in that place
that got covered with -

Pompeii. Pompeii, yeah.
Is that right?

So, when the sailors
used to get off the ship,

the phallus
would actually point the way

to the local hot spot
for the ladies.

LAUGHTER
It's very clever, though, Liza.

The way that you talk, because
you've done some research into it,

it's easy to forget that, um...
LAUGHTER

..you've just drawn a cock and balls.

LAUGHTER

I'm gonna show you all five of them.
Yes, please.

Then you can judge them
as you see fit. There they are -

five triumphs. The most nonsensical,
and that is saying something...

I must give Asim one point,
I'm afraid. OK.

Alice, believe me, is so close,

with the most boring
dot-to-dot picture of all time.

Followed by the old chopped-in-half
beekeeper, with three points. OK.

This is the big moment.
Well, I...

I know which one I was more moved by.
Mm-hm.

But out of respect for
the families of the dead...

I'm gonna put the cock and balls
in second place with four points.

OK. So, the winner is Mr Tim Vine!

Whoo!
Excellent. Well done.

APPLAUSE
Go on, then. What are the scores?

With one final task to go,
there are just five points

separating all five contenders!
ALL GASP AND EXCLAIM

Shut up! Alice is down there on ten.
Tim has 15, at the other end!

Right! Love it.
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Asim, I think this might be the one,
mate. Come on! Don't SAY it!

Right. Stop sitting. Start standing,

and please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

CHEERING / APPLAUSE
Here they are!

Good.
Who's gonna read the task out, Alex?

Alice. Here we go.
Alex! Alice!

Alex! Alice!
LAUGHTER

"Stick a plaster
to the correct body part."

"Alex will say the names
of three body parts."

"You must stick a plaster
to the body part that comes second

in the dictionary
out of the three body parts."

What? "The slowest person to stick
a plaster to the correct body part

is eliminated."
Thank you, Alice.

Thank you, Alex.
Body part. Body part.

So, for example... Don't do it now,
but if I said "arm",

'"mouth", "zygote"...

'Mouth. You put it on your mouth.
You're quite right.

You're gonna be judging this, Greg.
Oh! Here we go.

Good luck, everyone. Good luck.

'Oh, fuckin-...!

'And we have our first elimination.

'LAUGHTER
Oh, second!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Tim, you are eliminated.
Ready?

Yeah.

'Oh, fuck!
LAUGHTER

'Heel, hair and ear!
We have an elimination.

'CHEERING / APPLAUSE
What?!

And Asim is eliminated.
This was Asim's chance! Yeah.

Two steps back.
Once panic sets in, you can't...

LAUGHTER
Right. There's only three left.

Yeah. Good luck, everyone.
Thank you.

'Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

'Right, Greg. You have to judge
who was the slowest there.

Well, it was Alice.
It was Alice, yeah.

We have our two finalists!
We have a final.

Russell's hyperventilating.
We'd better crack on.

OK, this is the final. Are you ready
for the final? Yes, I'm ready.

'Ladies and gentlemen,
I think we have a winner!

'Russell Howard.
Russell Howard, just quicker!

Right. We'll add those points
to the total. Please, come on down!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

How was that?
I had high hopes for Asim.

I've got a bad feeling.
It was Asim's episode to lose,

and he did that.
LAUGHTER

Five points to Russell Howard,
of course!

APPLAUSE
Series scores-wise,

it's fairly tight at the top.
Liza is out in the lead

on 157 points.
What?! ALICE: Oh, my gosh!

Then it goes Tim on 146,
and Russell on 143.

That's the top three.
And there's only seven points

separating Alice and Asim...
er, as well.

LAUGHTER
But in this episode,

the final table looks like...this!
Here it comes!

We have a tie-break! Liza
and Russell, both with 17 points!

ALL EXCLAIM
APPLAUSE

This tie-break is a little texty.
All they had to do

was receive a text message

as fast as physically possible.

Your time starts now.

SHE HUMS TENSELY
Er, my cousin Lewis.

SHE CONTINUES TO HUM
Bit too long, isn't it?

Are you still writing your text?
Yeah. OK.

My girlfriend is a doctor. You're
not allowed to call her at work.

And I haven't really got
any other friends! Everyone's busy.

Oh, he'll be lollygagging around.
Hang on.

Fuck! This is bad, eh?

I'll just send another one out, in
case somebody else wants to text me.

PHONE BEEPS
Hello! There you go!

It's from my mum.
Oh!

Text.
Right.

Thanks, Liza.
Thank you!

Liza took 57 seconds to SEND a text.
LAUGHTER

Well, you wanna put a bit of
background in it, don't you?

Russell received a text from his mum
in three minutes and 51 seconds.

Right.
That is slow, eh? Liza?

Liza received a text
in three minutes...

fifty-...
GREG GASPS

..three.
ALL GASP

Russell wins!
Wow! Congratulations.

Russell, go and claim
your fancy footwear!

Wow!
So, what've we learned today?

We've learned that,
for poor old Asim Chaudhry,

Arm, Mouth, Zygote is a load of
utter big-toe bobble hat.

And that tonight's wonderful winner
is Mr Russell Howard!

Slap your hands silly,
and we'll see you next time. Goodbye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media