Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 1 - The Mean Bean - full transcript

Velcro is key, tape is vital and bean juice is crucial. Greg's simpering sidekick Alex Horne supplies facts, figures and unconditional love.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Hello and hello, too.

I am Greg Davies, welcome to yet
another series of Taskmaster.

We have an incredible new fivesome
awaiting patiently for me

to get this series under the way.
Are you ready?

CROWD: Yes!

'Please meet the five people
competing to win my ginormous,
gilded noddle.

They are
James Acaster...

..Jessica Knappett...

..Kerry Godliman...

..Phil Wang...

..and Rhod Gilbert.



'And next to me - he looks after the
fact and figures, but I have full
control over his salary.

He is little, he's Alex. He's Alex
Horne. He's little Alex Horne.

CHEERS

Thank you.

Hello Greg. Hello. Thank you
for having me back.

I've been very busy. Yeah? Since
we've been away.

'What have you been up to? I've
downloaded quite a bit of the
Internet. Yep.

And I've been doing some research
into you.

You're a comedian.
Correct.

You used to be a teacher.

Over six foot. You don't have any
pets, yet. Yet.

You're a Taurus. OK, on with the
show.

We're going to start with the prize
task, if that's all right, Greg.

Each competitor brings in something
for the prize pot.



At the end of the episode, the
winner takes home all of the things.

'That's how it works. The first prize
category for our fledgling
competitors is...

The thing that most people would
like to touch.

I'm going to start with old James,
there. Hello.

What did you bring in that you
think I'd like to touch?

MC Hammer.

He released a song...

'Called Can't Touch This. Can't Touch
This. And that made a lot of people
want to touch it.

'We haven't got the actual MC
himself, we have a representation of
the MC.

Yes. So there it is.

If you saw that on the street, you
would think it was him.

Oh, God, you would. Especially if he
was one-dimensional

and stayed absolutely perfectly
still.

'Can I say, I think he is
two-dimensional. It is
two-dimensional, you're right.

What do you think the "this" that MC
Hammer was referring to was?

A two-dimensional cardboard cut-out
of himself.

Do you want to see what Jess has
brought in? Yes. Let's move on.

It could complement James's
quite nicely.

Gut instinct says it's not going to.

Let's have a look.

Don't tell me you don't want to
touch that!

Is the sign saying don't touch the
sign,

or is it saying don't touch
something else.

Because otherwise, I don't see the
point in the sign.

I thought about this. I thought
about this.

Normally it would be next to
something that you can't touch.

'But... I think that's more likely,
rather than the sign having an
existential crisis.

I think I'm having an existential
crisis.

'OK. So, do not touch. Makes me want
to touch... No, it doesn't.
Kerry, what did you bring in?

A Newton's cradle.

Interesting. Clicky thing. I know
what they are. OK.

We can see a picture of the Newton's
cradle.

'Also called an executive
ball clicker, which is what you call
me.

That is what they're called.

It's interesting, I've got a
personal connection

with this executive toy,

because I requested
one in 1981 from my mother

'and she refused to buy me one,
because she thought it was
pointless.

But that's the joy of it, it's
pointless.

Correct. That's the joy of it, old
woman.

Anyway, when I got my first job in
1990

I bought myself one and,
tragically,

the end of the story is
it was very disappointing to touch.

No.

I'll tell you now, it's the
best one yet.

Oh, come on. Oh come on, last place.

Phil? I have gone more of
a classic route.

I have got a little toy chariot with
a man driving it. Absolute classic.

Here is the toy.

'There is a little switch on the
side. Yes, there is a button that
you'd want to touch.

'There's a button. If there's a
button, you would want to touch that
to see what happens.

Yeah. Do you want me to show you
what happens

when you touch the button?
Of course I do. OK.

I bought it in Indonesia. Yeah.
So it's exotic. It's...

I haggled for this.

The guy in the market said,
"100,000 rupiah,"

then I said, "50,000."

And he said, "100,000". And I said,
"70,000," and he said, "100,000,"

so I paid 100,000...

Rhod.
Let's see the first picture,

because there's a series of
pictures. It's a journey.

There's the first.

APPLAUSE

OK, so that's you. How old are you
there? About 17. About 17, yeah.

Let's see the next picture. OK.

Because... Urgh!

..I went to the trouble of
knocking up a replica...

..of your childhood teddy bear,
whose name was...

BT, Blue Ted. BT, Blue Ted.

And I know how much
you enjoyed touching...

I should explain,
for anyone who doesn't understand.

Yeah, please explain.
When I was a teenager,

during a particularly unfulfilling
frisky period in my life,

I did have relations with a bear...

..that my mother had made for me.

We can see sort of the area
that you were interested in.

The horrible thing is, I don't know
what happened to BT.

He could still be around. I think
we all know what happened to BT!

All right. Where do you want
to start, first or last?

In last place. It's just a sign.

And I want to say this early doors,

Jess told me before the show
that it's her dad's opinion

that I penalise females
on this show.

And what's his name? Peter.

Peter, looks like
it's fucking true, doesn't it?

In joint second to last place,
with two points.

Two points. Each. Each, yes.

I'm going to put Kerry,
because I despise women.

Joint second to last, I'm going to
put it with James's MC Hammer,

because I don't want to touch
MC Hammer

or a cardboard cut-out of MC Hammer.

In second place, with four points,
because I cannot deny my past,

it's Rhod Gilbert. Cos wherever you
are, BT, I do miss touching you.

And in first place, inexplicably,

because I don't know why I want to
touch that toy, it's Phil Wang.

Good, we're off. And have you got
something nice for us, Alex?

I thought it was about time
for a change. OK. OK.

Hi, Rhod. All right, mate?
You all right?

Is that a wig? My hat?
Oh, it's a hat, is it? Fine.

Hi, Kerry. Hello, Alex.
How are you? I'm all right.

Hello. Hello.

Do you like it? Is it a clue?
Yes. Oh!

You ready? OK. It's just up here...

There we go.

That...
Now that, that is amazing.

Yeah? Absolutely, 100%. Nice little
hat. Thank you. OK, what happened?

That was amazing.

Design and demonstrate
the best quick-change outfit.

I don't know what that means.

The best and quickest quick-change
outfit wins. You have one hour.

Your time starts now.

Velcro is going to be a key player.
OK.

Right, I know what I'm going to do.

Let me think,
can I have a few minutes to think?

Poncho... Fwap... Fwap...

And then...

APPLAUSE

Pwap pwap? It's Mandarin.

Pwap pwap? Pwap pwap.

Who's first? Well, we're going to
see them all in real-time,

the quick changes. Pwap pwap!
So bear that in mind.

They will be in real-time.

And first, I hope she doesn't mind
me calling her this,

it's Jessica Knappett.

When you're ready, Jessica.
I'm ready.

Can you, like,
give it some theatre, Alex?

Give it some welly.

DRUM ROLL
Here we go.

CYMBAL CRASH

CHEERING

Oh, yeah. Man, that is incredible.

We are off to
an absolute cracking start.

The weird thing is,
I did actually wear that underneath

my real wedding dress when I got
married. Now, that's interesting.

Because it had not occurred to me
that your first outfit was a bride.

How did you not see the veil over my
face?! What did you think it was?

I just thought she was some
ghostly apparition.

Was that real-time? It was quick,
as well. The change was quick.

Four seconds exactly.
Was that real-time?

Butterflies take two weeks.

Well, I'm pleased to say that
it's time for

the first ad break of the series.
Join us in part two

to see Kerry and Phil's
quick change attempts. Bye-bye!

Hello, and welcome back to this,

first episode of the seventh ever
series of Taskmaster.

They're getting changed, Alex. Well,
you told them to, Greg, so, yes.

The new cast are currently trying to
demonstrate the art of quick-change.

Who's next? It's Rhod's attempt.
Here we go.

LAUGHTER

Alex.

So what I want to do...

..is that we're both going to go
from bikini

to a one-piece swimming costume.

So one of us is going to
lose our top,

and one of us is going to lose
our bottoms.

Bottoms? Yeah.

By now, you may be thinking,

it's probably going to be you
that loses the bottoms, right?

I wasn't thinking that. Well,
you should start thinking that.

Right. Yeah?

I'm going to be removing
your panties.

THEY LAUGH

Yes, you are. So you're going to be
removing my top. Yeah.

And what are you removing?
I'll be removing your panties.

We will be calling them panties.

I believe that.
OK. Are you ready? No.

So, this is... Wait!

We're going for
the quickest change.

So if you'd like to take my straps.

There should be one up there,
I think, and one down the back.

I've got you.

And I've got you. After three,
quick costume change. Mm-hmm.

I'm ready.

On the count of three.

One, two, three. Go!

Stop the clock. How was that?

It felt quite quick.

Mine came straight off, yours was
a bit more of a struggle. Yeah.

I certainly had the hard part. Done.

That's it. Wanna shake hands? No...

No, no!

APPLAUSE

Now, I've know you for a number of
years, and I'm surprised to learn

that you refer to women's
downstairs garments as panties.

Downstairs garments
isn't much better. No, it isn't!

All right.

I really enjoyed that, obviously.
It's ridiculous.

I put it to you, Rhod, that is not a
quick-change outfit. What, why not?

They used to have quick-change
artists on '70s television

all the time as I remember.
I realise...

You didn't have someone who just
came on and pulled their pants down.

Mr Benn would have been
a lot better show if he'd done that.

It was quick, though,
it was just under four seconds,

3.8. Jot that down, Greg. I will.

I will, and I will submit this paper
to the police.

Who's next? Well, he's quick-witted,
is he quick-kitted?

It's James Acaster next.

Welcome to the kitchen.

I'm going to slip into something
more comfortable.

DRUM ROLL

CYMBAL CRASH

Oh, hi. I didn't see you there.

Welcome to the kitchen.

I'll slip into something
more comfortable.

DRUM ROLL

CYMBAL CRASH

My third outfit.

Three outfits.

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Was it a change, do you think?
Yeah. Did you change?

I was starting off as a groom,
and I turned into a bride.

Just a bit of narrative to it.
So, like...

..to start off, you know,
there's a guy, he's like,

"Welcome to the kitchen." Yeah.

And then a sexy lady comes out

and then a boy is born. At the end.

Is that the child of...?
Yeah, I was a little boy at the end.

Was that really the narrative
or have you just made that up?

I just had to make it up, I'm trying
to get points. Yeah, yeah.

Who's next?

Next we've got Kerry Godliman,

who, weirdly, is genuinely
my cousin's favourite comedian.

Ready, steady, go!

CHEERING

That's it!

Now, that is what I'm talking about.

That is a quick-change outfit.

Velcro is key. It is.

I don't know what to say other than
it was absolutely perfect.

Absolutely spot-on. Wow.

CHEERING

Thank you, thanks.

I mean, you could have saved
yourself a lot of time,

I imagine, just by wearing a bikini
and pulling your bottoms off.

That's gonna take some beating.
Yeah.

Well, 3.8 seconds was Rhod,
that was 3.6 seconds.

So it was the quickest so far.
It's tight, isn't it?

There is still Phil Wang to go.

Phil Wang, can he romp in and steal
it last minute? Let's have a look.

He's got 3.6 seconds to beat.
It's the one and only Phil Wang.

Hello, Alex.

So, you know when they go to
the races at Ascot,

the ladies always have, like,
a special outfit,

so we've got a little
Ascot hat here.

Lovely summer dress. And stockings.

I'll start the clock... OK.

..when you go back inside the house.
And, change.

PHIL GROANS

Poncho...
HE CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF

15 seconds.

Gloves.

DRUM ROLL

CYMBAL CRASH
Costume two.

This is a gardening outfit.

You've got a comfy gardening skirt,

poncho, and you've got the stockings
have become gardening gloves.

Thank you, Phil. Thank you, Alex.

I thought it wasn't just quickest,
it was also best.

Oh, it was the dictionary
definition of fwap fwap.

What I was going for was the
biggest possible change in costume.

Geographically speaking.

So you had from Ascot races,
to, like, a Mexican poncho.

Is that what they do in Mexico,

instead of gloves,
they use stockings?

In Mexico? I don't know,
I haven't been, but I presume...

I thought it was rubbish.

There's just no sense of urgency
whatsoever.

Tell me the timings, because I think
we're going to largely do it

on timings because most of them
were impressive outfits.

Well, Phil was 45 seconds and then
we drop down to five seconds

for James, four seconds for Jess,
3.8 for Rhod, 3.6 for Kerry.

Right, I think it's only fair, we
have to penalise Rhod to a degree.

No. Because you just took
a man's pants off.

I'm going to knock him down
one place. OK.

I think that's fair.
So one point to Phil?

One point to Phil, two points to
James, three points to Rhod,

four points to Jess
and five points to Kerry.

There, let it be so.

APPLAUSE

Over the moon!

Can we see the first scoreboard
of series seven, please, Alex?

Well, James had four, but Kerry and
Rhod are the leaders on seven!

Another task, please, Alex.

OK, for this one, we took the kids
to the woods for assembly.

Hello, Kerry. Hello.

Hello, Phil. Alex, how are you? Ow!

Be careful of the holly. Yeah.

Hi, James. The goddamn stingers.

There's stinging nettles
and there's a frigging hollybush.

And thorny branches. Where do you
get off? Welcome to the glade.

Oh...

Build the highest tower?!

You have five minutes from
when your first box is assembled.

And a maximum time of 20 minutes
from now.

SHS SIGHS
I hate making boxes.

Why? Well, I just know
I can't really do it.

APPLAUSE

We probably should briefly
drill down into your history of

making boxes. It's actually,
there's a knack to it.

When have you had to do it?
Well, work. Yeah.

Sometimes, they're like, "Jess,
go in the back, make up a box."

What?

When I worked in a hospital, OK?
I had to make some boxes there.

Oh, God. Go in the back and make
the boxes? Well, we used...

Are you sure you were employed
at this hospital?

No...

OK, Phil, I'm going to be
the first one to address it.

It's the first time we've seen your
outfit full-length. Yeah.

How are you feeling about it?

Well, it's...it's Bruce Lee's
Game Of Death outfit. Sure.

And yet, that's not what I see.

I saw a game of death.

I just wanted to make an homage

to one of the greatest
Asian entertainers in history,

and also you get to see
my dick and halls. Yeah.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

WOLF-WHISTLE

Uh-oh, break time, good luck.
Bye-bye!

Hi, watchers, it's part three of
this seventh series of Taskmaster.

Alex, what's been going on?

Well, Greg,
we've had some quick changes,

and now they're building towers.

It's basically a creche.

Can I reiterate the rules, is that
all right? Yeah, if you want to.

Because they have 20 minutes
to build a tower,

but only five minutes from when they
correctly assemble their first box.

Yeah. So they could take the
20 minutes and not make any boxes,

but once you've made a box, you have
five minutes from then. Sure.

OK? Yes. Thank you, I understand.

OK, we're going to start off
with James and Kerry.

Different genders, the same agendas.

One. OK,
you've got five minutes from now.

There's got to be a build a box and
climb a tree and put it in the tree.

Can I run up that one?

How quick can I run up there?

No, absolutely not.

Yeah, now I can't reach the top.

I could throw it up.

Have we got any rope?

How do you get the flaps
to stay down?

Have you got any sticky tape then?
On me?

Can you hold the other end of that,
please? Thank you, Alex.

# Gaffer rope is no joke

# Going to tie it to a box,
hoist over a tree

# Highest tower
for you and for me... #

No!

You've got five minutes.
Oh, shit, that is too high.

No!

Get them up! There!

There's got to be another way.

I think this is as good as
it's going to get.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Yeah.

What do you want me to do, throw the
rope over and then pull the box?

That's what most people do,
isn't it?

Of course, that's why you make
the rope in the first place.

You've got 40 seconds. Please!

10 seconds, James.

Agh! I stepped on the rope.

Stay up there!
WHISTLE BLOWS

Measure it.

When I blew the whistle,
it was on the floor, James.

APPLAUSE

I guess the first thing to do

would be for us to establish
what a tower is.

Yeah, a tower. A tower is a tall,
narrow building, either freestanding

or forming part of a building such
as a church or a castle. Right.

Tall and narrow. Thank you. Kerry.
What was he doing? I don't know.

Believe me, we're coming onto that.

I think, "Oh, I've got it wrong."
No, no, you haven't. Right.

This is my point. OK.

My point is, it was the most
straightforward approach,

you thought, well, I'll make boxes

because they will certainly
stack on top of each other.

I'm presuming this is your thinking.
What else would I have done?

Well, we're coming onto that.

And what's wrong with you?

I mean, the first thing you tried
to do, and I genuinely believe

you were trying to do this,
is to run up a tree.

Yes. That didn't work,
and then you invented gaffer rope.

Now, fair play to you,
I enjoyed your song. Yeah!

That was off-the-cuff. No way!
Yeah, yeah.

What were you trying to do?

The box would have made a tower
by itself. Right.

And then I get it in the tree, and
then it's taller than anyone else's

towers could have possibly got to,
and then that's the tallest tower.

If you were walking through a wood
and you saw a box up there,

you'd think,
"Oh, look at that tower!"

Just like, Rhod, if I saw someone
pull their pants down,

I wouldn't go, "Nice change."

That is more of a tower
than what you did to him.

APPLAUSE

Who's next?

Next up are two giants from
the world of phallic nicknames,

it's Rhod and Wang.

I studied engineering at University.
What did you get?

I completed the degree.

So, I haven't started the clock yet
because they're not boxes yet.

No, I realise that.

Only a fool would assemble
their first box quickly.

Is that a box? No, it's not a box
because it's...

..open this side. OK.

What we need is some natural
internal scaffolding.

NIS? Yes, NIS.

They're definitely not open boxes.
No.

Well,
an open box is not a complete box.

You know how if you open a car door,

it's not technically a car
until the door's closed.

Oh, just got a bloody big bend
in it.

Does that matter if it's got
a big bend in it?

Oh. Balls.

The NIS is ruining this.

10 minutes left.

Aggh!

OK.

Oh, no!

Ugh. Another go, quick.

Get it in amongst the foliage!
In amongst the foliage!

In amongst the foliage!

That's all right, that.
Pretty tall. Finished? I'm done.

That is self standing tower.

I didn't see the... It's all tape.

I can smell controversy over this.

Rhod's tower was not,
it wasn't freestanding.

A tower doesn't need to be
freestanding,

have you not been listening to the
definitions given out by Alex Horne?

So why did you say at the end of
your bit, "That's freestanding"?

Just for a laugh. Just for a laugh.

Well, come on, Phil, that was a box.

No, it wasn't.
Yeah, that was a box, mate.

You were hoisted by your own
car analogy and you know it.

That I did for laughs. But...

APPLAUSE

Greg, can I say something here?

Because I'm with Phil on this,
I don't thing that was a box.

I'm weighing in on your side.
Thank you, Rhod.

And I don't think that was a tower.

APPLAUSE

That's what happens.

And you've been hoisted...
All right, Michael Gove.

I mean, an open box is a box,
I'm sorry, Phil.

Five minutes after
assembling one box,

he'd still just assembled one box.
So it's the height of a box.

With the flaps open, though,
so it's 75 centimetres.

Oh, God, that does seem mean.
Wait, what?

After five minutes,
you'd only assembled one box,

despite the eventual colossal tower.

Oh, dear. That's what comes of
being an absolute tosser.

Backstabbing little shit.

Ohh! Oh, dear.

Right, well, Rhod created NIS.
Natural internal scaffolding.

Something like that.
It was faultless.

But, surely,

the professional box builder
is absolutely

going to teach us all
how to do this. No...

I wasn't very good at making boxes
in a professional capacity

when required to.

And yet you were repeatedly sent
into the back room of a hospital.

Let's see. Here is Jessica Knappett.

Oh, God.

This is the obvious thing to do.

We'll pop that there.

To sort of give it some stability.

No, I'm not. Um...

What would an architect do?

Dig down. We haven't got time.

We've got trees here.

Yes. Durrr!

The problem is getting up there.

I can assist. OK, OK, OK.

And then just drop it here.

Watch your feet.

Alex!

It's normally one, two...

..three.

Right.

This will be a bit taller now.

That's quite high.

I'm leaving it there.
I don't care what you say.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Four minutes.

So, I am using a box after all.

You've got two minutes
and 10 seconds. Right, fine.

Whoa! You've got 15 seconds.

OK, well, that's it for me.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thanks, Jess.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

APPLAUSE

I elicited a lot of sympathy there.
That is an interesting twist.

Just on that basis alone. Yeah,
you did it terribly, and yet...

So bad. Everyone was openly
laughing at James and Phil.

But just, "Awwww!" for me.

So, Greg, James's was the smallest,

because it was just a box,
so he gets one point.

Phil was a box with a flap,
so two points.

Then we have Jess, three points,

Kerry's was just three metres

but that's four points.

Rhod Gilbert had 4.28 metres,

so he wins the task
and gets five points.

APPLAUSE

Good. Let's have another task.

OK, this one involves one of
your favourite pastimes.

It's estimating girth.

Ooh! Hello.

Hi, James.

Don't like the look of this one.

Work out the circumference of
the caravan in baked beans.

Work out the circumference
of the caravan in baked beans?

You have three minutes.

Most accurate wins.

Your time starts now.

Oh, I can't remember
what circumference means.

I think it means around it. OK.

APPLAUSE

Here we go, then, the circumference
of the caravan in beans.

It's obvious, innit?

Only a mad person would actually
physically get beans

and put them anywhere near that van.

What would you do, Greg?
JESS: Yeah, Greg?

I would work out the length of a
bean. Oh, you'd measure a bean.

Yeah. Then I'd use a different way
of working out the circumference...

Oh, the old different way method!

Oh, I didn't think of that.

You having a nice laugh, are you?

The old different way. Of course.

Do you want to see them? Yeah.

I've grouped James and Kerry
together again. Here's why.

Do I just tip this out?

You can do this task
however you want.

So, is circumference how many baked
beans go right round the caravan?

Is that what you think?

The circumference of the caravan

in how many baked beans
for the whole...

Right.

So...

I'm going to see how many
baked beans are in there.

Right.

15 are about that. Right.

Sliding now.

It's at least four.

One, two, three, four, five, six...

16.

20.

15 x 50. I'm not very good at
maths. You've got one minute.

What's 15 x 50? I'm afraid
you have to do it yourself, Kerry.

15, whatever 15 x 50 is, is the
answer. You've still got 45 seconds.

15 x 50. 10 x 50 is 5,000...

700.

700, 7,000...

It's about 7,050 baked beans.

Or 750.

I'm going to need one of them.
It can't be 700.

700. Exactly 700 baked beans? Yeah.

Is that a coincidence,
it's such a round number?

That's 15.

It's 750 baked beans.

APPLAUSE

How embarrassing.

You're an angry mathematician,
aren't you?

Well, I'm not very good at maths
so it just makes me cross.

You sounded like
a malfunctioning cyborg.

They both came up with very similar
answers, 700 and 750. Right.

Can't be coincidence.
Got to be in that ballpark.

Got to be in that ballpark.

But hang on, he went,
you went right a round the caravan.

I included the garden. OK.

You didn't touch the caravan? No.

Well, what the...

That's the end of part three.

Jessica, Rhod and Phil
still to come,

plus one of the competitors
will take home loads of stuff

that people want to touch.
See you soon.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

It's part four of Taskmaster,
it's series seven of Taskmaster

and it's episode one of Taskmaster,
incredible.

Thanks, Greg,
that's all great to know.

Before the break, our new and naive
cast were trying to guess

the circumference of our caravan
in baked beans.

Do you want to see Jess all by
herself again? Yeah, I do, please.

Oh, guys! Hey, listen, we've
got to isolate the weak ones.

It's what happens in nature.

OK. Plenty of sympathetic
awws in the post.

Here we go.

18, 19, 20,

21, 22, 23...

55, 56, 57...

78.

78 x 2 is...

My maths is really bad.

So, it's 156 here.

Times two.

300.

Is that how you do maths?

You've got 27 seconds.

Erm, 6...89.

It's nice to see your working.

Shall I go? Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Do you always do your workings
out in bean juice?

In bean juice, on a window. Yes,
please, who needs a calculator?

Yes, please. Not me, not you.

I know it's early days,

but are we the stupidest so far?

APPLAUSE

When you say we...

Next up, Philip and Rhodney.
Rhodney.

Er, where's the tape measure?

This is ridiculous.

I...

Look, this is utterly ridiculous.

It makes no sense at all.

That's not nearly enough
beans in here.

This is just one can.

The circumference of the trailer
is four cans of beans.

How many beans are there in a can?

Come on. I thought you might ask
this, I really hoped you wouldn't.

The caravan is 500...

Where's the calculator?

I reckon there's about 100 beans a
can, so I'm going to say 400 beans.

510 inches.

Circumference of the caravan times
2.5 centimetres equals 1,275.

It's 1,275 baked beans,

if the baked beans are
placed lengthways.

If the baked bean is
placed sideways on...

..you double that.
APPLAUSE

Times two, 2,550 baked beans.

APPLAUSE

I mean, I am fascinated, Phil.
Mm-hm.

You're a qualified engineer,
right? Yeah.

Were you also partly thinking,

"Everyone's going to be so
focused on my cock and balls

"they won't actually..."?
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

You, a very scientific method.

Yeah, I was allowed to use
whatever's available in the house.

You have three minutes. Hey, it's
a straight compliment. Thank you.

Did you think we were allowed
to use calculators when you were

doing bean juice on a window?
Of course not!

I was doing sums with my head.

RHOD: You're telling me you didn't
use anything from the house

in any of the tasks?
I see what you're saying.

JAMES: It is such a bad omen
that Rhod is the smart one.

APPLAUSE
RHOD: It is. He's got a good point.

Yeah. What is amazing is that Rhod
measured the caravan very quickly

but very accurately.

You then measured the baked bean
as one centimetre.

Yeah, length.

The main bean is actually
1.3 centimetres. Aw.

We can have a look here
on my bathtub.

So there are 76 beans in
a metre, which means, Rhod,

that you went way over
with 1,275 beans.

I'm so sorry.

You came second to last,

cos you didn't take a
mean bean measurement.

That's exactly what happened,
exactly what happened.

I think the bean I had
was very, very average.

The trouble is, by the time
you measured your bean,

it was dry of juice.

And a baked bean
is never dry of juice.

So you're saying,
are you counting the juice

on the end as a length of a bean?
You have to. You have to.

You... I don't even think
you believe this, Greg.

You know it, look at your face.
Look at your face!

Look at your face.
Look at your face.

APPLAUSE

What is the bean
circumference of the caravan?

The bean circumference
of a caravan...

..is 965 beans. Aw. Lovely.

Which means Phil comes in last,

then Rhod with his
310 overestimate.

Then we have Jess, then James,

then Kerry wins the task. Whoa!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Total fluke!
RHOD: That is a mockery...

I think that's a mockery of not
just this episode or this series,

but the entire show. Oh, Rhod.

Onto the scoreboard before we
go on to the final task, please.

Well, it is now between these two.

It's between Kerry and Rhod
so it's tasty. Oh, somehow!

Kerry has 16, Rhod has 14.
So it's tasty? It's tasty.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, here we go. For the first time
of this series, would you please

make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're all winners already.

Who's reading the task, Alex?
Kerry has got the task. Kerry.

"Make the best fruit display hat.

"You may not touch or tamper
with your hat.

"Only the fruit picker uppers
may touch the fruit.

"You may only hold the fruit
picker uppers by their handles.

"Best fruit display hat wins.

"You have 100 seconds."

Are there any questions? What
questions could there possibly be?

Are they normal seconds
or are they sort of

slightly longer than usual ones?

APPLAUSE

OK, do you all understand?

You may only hold the
picker uppers by the handles

and only the picker uppers
may touch the street.

You've got 100 seconds, starting...
BLOWS WHISTLE

Let's make hats!
Shall we collaborate? Yeah.

Do you want to collaborate? Sure.

JESS: That's how you do it.

JAMES: This is broken. It's jammed,
it's jammed!

KERRY: Sorry, I'm hooked
in to the grapes.

They're not working!

You all right, James? They're not
working, they don't work.

James, that's working.
That is working.

Yeah... Oh, yeah. That's not
working! That's working. Yes.

This is good. You going
for the pineapple? This is good.

APPLAUSE

Here come the bananas.

This is what we went
to university for.

Did you go to uni? Do you think
we should...?

In team building.

Get off my fruit, Acaster!

CHEERING

Five, four,

three, two, one.
BLOWS WHISTLE

Please put your picker uppers down.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Happy, Greg? I'll have a bit of a
think while we bring everyone down

and we'll add it all up
and see how it's affected

the whole show, shall we? OK, then.
Come on down!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, this is what I've decided.

People should be awarded according
to the luxurious variety

of the fruit on their hat. On their
own hat, OK. On their own hats.

So, subsequently...

Oh, come on.

Obviously James crashes into last
place, but I'll tell you this. OK.

Seeing him scrabbling around
on the floor,

seeing his desperate cries,

there was something heart-warming
about that.

Subsequently, I've decided to award
you two points, congratulations.

That means a lot, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Jess, three points.

Kerry and Phil, joint four points.

I'm basing this on the
variety of fruit.

Equal displays. Yes. OK.
That's correct.

And Rhod Gilbert, against all odds,

collects five points for
the most rich fruit hat.

APPLAUSE
Rhod Gilbert wins the task.

OK, which means...
Final scores. Yeah.

Well, they've all reached double
figures, some more than others.

James has 11, but in the lead,
Rhod has 19,

Kerry has 20! What?! No!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kerry Godliman has won the
first episode of the series.

Go and touch your
untouchable things. Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What have we learned today?

We've learned that if you're looking
to build your own home,

don't take advice from James.

Or Jessica, or Kerry, or Phil,
or Rhod.

Don't take advice from any of them.

But most importantly, Kerry Godliman
is the winner of the first show.

What an impressive
human being she is.

Thank you for watching,
we'll see you next time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media