Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - A Very Nuanced Character - full transcript

The guests have to get four items of clothing as far away as possible, along with other equally ridiculous tasks.

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APPLAUSE

Hello! I'm Greg Davies and
this is Taskmaster.

We're nearing the end of the series,
and before long we'll find out

who's going home with this -

the most sought-after
trophy in television.

Imagine the delight as they wake up
each morning with this face

next to theirs in bed,

cos that's definitely where
they'll be keeping it.

Let's meet our five contenders now.
They are...

Al Murray!
APPLAUSE

Dave Gorman!



Paul Chowdhry!

Rob Beckett!

Sara Pascoe!

And next to me, statistically
speaking, it's Alex Horne.

Is it? Is it Alex Horne?
It is. It is! I am Alex Horne.

I am officially the
deputy Taskmaster,

so if you get ill or weak
or last, I become...

I become the Taskmaster, or else it
says we may get David Walliams.

Really?

OK, we usually start the show
with a prize task, and today...

Oh, yeah, we're going to start
the show with a prize task.

Today, you've asked the
people, these five,

to bring in their
shiniest thing. Oh!

So whoever brings in the shiniest
thing that you judge to be the



shiniest will win the first
maximum points of the show.

Whoever wins the whole episode will
go home with five shiny things. Wow.

Yes. Everyone's into
shiny things, right? Right.

Sara? Yes?

What shiny thing have you brought
in and why should it win?

Oh, erm, I have put in the
shiniest thing of all,

which is the single
Shine by Take That.

Every kind of meaning of the
word "shine" is encapsulated,

plus it's one of the best songs ever
written, I think we all agree.

MILD LAUGHTER
Or don't we?! Yeah!

It seems to me your
relationship with Take That

is fairly complicated.

When Take That were first together,
I really loved them,

and then they broke up
and I didn't kill myself,

I just carried on going,

and I'm glad that I did, because
then they got back together.

CHEERING

And then we found out that three
of the four didn't actually pay tax,

which I'm very against,
so it's complicated.

It is. But I think if I love
them enough, they'll change...

for the better!

Rob, what have you brought in?

Well, I've brought in something
quite close to my heart. Yeah?

I'm a big football fan
and I've brought in my

almost 99% completed sticker album
from the World Cup.

Ooh!

Look at all those shinies in there.
Yeah.

The difficult thing for me is, Rob,

it brings back pretty awful
memories from the '80s,

cos I despise football and, erm...
Oh.

So not a great pick, then, was it?

I got a Panini sticker
just to try and fit in.

Paul, what have you brought?

I've brought in my shiny balls.

Of course he did!

I mean... What do you use them for?

Just playing with them, innit? OK.

It's good for your joints
and your movements.

- Yeah, they're
also called Chinese exercise balls,

Chinese medicine balls or
Chinese healthy balls.

Those are the official name. That
is genuinely the official names.

Is it like a stress release thing?
It is, it is, Sara. Oh, OK. Yeah.

Al Murray?

Erm, I brought in a torch.

Is it a nice torch? I haven't seen
it. Well, it doesn't work, does it?

What? No, it turns out it doesn't
work, yeah. What do you mean?

Don't off-load all your crap
on this show, mate!

What's really good about it is,
if it worked,

it could be used to test how shiny
our objects are. Yeah. If it worked.

If it worked. To be fair, yours
doesn't work without a CD player.

Hang on. Your CD...
Well, hang on, mate,

I can't look at your stickers
if someone plucks my eyes out.

Fair point. I think that'd
make 'em all null and void.

My balls are fine.

Pop 'em in instead. Pop 'em in.
Pop 'em in your eyes.

I'll look like a Doctor Who monster,
it'll be wicked.

You already do.

Welcome to last place.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I hadn't finished saying "one of the
nice monsters that everyone loves."

Aww...

Too late.

So, we don't need to
see what Dave's is!

Come on, Dave, what's yours?

I've brought in a cycling
jacket made of what is -

I think science has proven to be -

the most reflective surface on
Earth, so it's very, very shiny.

It also has a little
light in the back,

so it actually creates its own
light also, so it's doing

what the torch does and what these
other objects do, combined.

You can't stick it in a book, mate.
And it's not called "shine".

You actually can. Can you?

Yeah, you open the pages of a
book, you put the jacket in,

you close the book. You can
literally... You can do that. Yeah.

You're going to be telling me next
with enough encouragement it can
sing a song and avoidtax.

OK, well, thanks for you shiny
objects. Here comes my judgment.

Strap yourselves in.
Al's broken torch last. It's broken.

Yeah. Number four. I'm really sorry,
Rob. It's your shiny stickers but
that's cos of my past.

It's not fair but that's
what's happening.

Three, Dave's high-vis jacket.
It's just boring.

Number two, Take That.

You know, they would have been
number one if they'd stop

avoiding tax.

Stop it. Pay your tax.
You would have been number one.

Number one is Paul's Chinese
handballs.

What's next? We're going to have
some fun undressing. Ready?

Yeah. Here we go. Ooh.

Oh, that's good, innit?
That's a good one.

Spread your clothes as far and wide
as possible at your own expense.

You must discard four items of
clothing that you're
currently wearing.

Furthest and widest wins.

You have 30 minutes. Your time stars
now.

Four items?

So I just dumped my clothes?

Well, it says discard but
whatever.

As far and wide.

So they've got to go in
opposite directions.

Yeah, I mean, essentially, I wanted
to mark my territory with your
clothes.

So we're looking for an enormous
shape with four corners made of

clothes and they've got the whole of
London to play with.

All of London they could use?

Well, they only had half an hour.
But we did film this in London.

Any part of London. Good.

Let's see how Paul got on. Ready?

As far and as wide as possible?
Yes, please.

So we'll start with one sock here.

Shall I put the other one in the
other corner?

All right.
The other one's over there.

If we can get that plane to take
off

I can get it even further.

Pretty far, innit?

Far and as wide as
possible that was.

Do you know that if you throw a
sock over a fence

it's still just the other
side of the fence?

You didn't see where it landed.
What, the sock? Yeah, I chucked over
the fence.

Unless you did some sort of martial
arts throw, it was just

the other side of the fence.

But when you twist your hand,
it gives it a spin and it...

It's probably still travelling now.

What did you think were the chances
of that plane flying with your

fucking sock wrapped round it?

Pretty high. High?
I was the one who tried it.

I thought if you put the sock on it.

I put it in the place where
it could have still flown.

So when you see all those nerds at
weekends at flying club

putting their models and getting
them absolutely perfect,

the last thing they always do is
stick a sock on it.

OK. So we're going to the break. I
just want to say a quick thank you
to Paul for being extraordinary.

In fact, to express this gratitude,

we've set Paul his own
special task.

See you after the break.

Have the most fun on this bouncy
castle. You have one hour.

One hour?

Your time starts now.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Thank you, Paul. Alex, what was
happening before the break?

Well, clothes...

LAUGHTER

Clothes were being shed left,
right and, in Paul's case, centre.

Happy with Paul?
Are you joking? I fucking love him.

Who's next?

Well, we're going to have
a look at Sara and Dave

and see if they left the house.

Come on, then.

Come on, Alex, we can do better.

One magpie.

APPLAUSE

I'm going to put this bit of
wood inside my sock

so it goes out to the
middle of the river.

Yes.
And then we can watch it drift away.

Yeah.

There she goes.

LAUGHTER

If I gave you
a sock to put in your pocket,

would you take it with you to the
end of your journey? Can do.

Whereabouts is the end of your
journey? East Sheen.

I appreciate your help. Thank you.
God speed. Thanks, mate. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

How are we doing time-wise?
Halfway.

Oh, great, there's no barriers.

Thought I might as well walk this
way for a little bit, no bus coming.

It's the other platform, it's the
other platform, it's coming in.

Oh, no!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

Not for the first time, Sara Pascoe,

your response to a task is just to
run. Run fast.

I take everything very literally.

My favourite bit of the
whole tape was...

I don't know what it meant,
the "Yeah" that you did

after you put the piece of wood in
your sock and chucked in the Thames.

What do you mean? You went, "Yeah."

"Yeah."
I felt really great about it.

I felt like that's what our
ancestors would have done

if they needed something to go
really far away.

But you went in an exact straight
line for 1.6 miles.

Wow. We're trying to look for an
area, but... Am I being stupid?

Are you saying that Sara ran with
her sock down the Thames?

It was bobbing along.

It was going slower than Sara,
but it was bobbing alongside.

But it's still, probably,
going out to sea now,

which is the important thing
for this task.

Even though you had a time limit,

you think you've taken the
moral victory?

Oh! Oh! So it doesn't matter how
far the sock went.

I've just got what we were
supposed to be doing.

Oh, I understand it now!

I've got it.

I should have put... I should have
put a sock over a plane.

Now it makes sense.

Well, that sort of explains your
Forrest Gump reaction to tasks now.

Dave, you used some clothes mules.
Yeah.

Yeah, I got a bus and then got off
a bus, leaving a sock there,

so that travelled. Yeah, lovely.
All makes perfect sense.

You got a round of applause when
you got on a bus,

using public transport,
very impressive.

None of this quite explains why you
took a knife to one of your shirts.

LAUGHTER

Because we were doing four items
of clothing

and I split one of my four in two

so that they could go in opposite
directions,

so I had five nodes to play with

instead of four,
to give me further breadth.

APPLAUSE

But it's not an item of clothing,
half a shirt,

unless you're howling mad.

No, but if one half of
a shirt is here

and one half of a shirt is there,
that shirt is spread.

It's a broken shirt.

It's no longer an item of clothing.

It's like when David Banner turns
into the Hulk...

It's exactly like that.
You can't put his shirt back on,

it's two pieces of a shirt,
you can't...

I would say that shirt
has been spread

and I think their reaction to
hearing it

says that they agree with me, that
that shirt has been spread.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a shame they have no power.

You did use the word... Did you use
the word "nodes".

Yeah, I did. You did use nodes.
That almost got me back onside.

Dave Gorman's in the lead.
Next up, Rob and Al.

We've grouped them together because
they did similar things. Here we go.

Have you got your van? I've got my
van. Shall we go for a drive?

Request taxi.

So, two of you go, one with the
jacket, one with the hat.

Then we'll do the similar
in another direction.

When I figure out how to order
a second taxi.

It's the "and wide"
that's the problem.

You've got 28 minutes
and 15 seconds left. OK, let's go.

Left out of here, mate.

OK. Here he comes.

Good luck.

Fly like the wind.

Right. OK.

Ugh. I don't know this area.
Are you for hire?

Ha-ha!

So, towards Richmond or
towards the south-west?

Towards Richmond, please.
The first exit.

Just over there eon the right by
that Fiat, please. Yeah, thank you.

So... Just drop it out the window?
If you want, yeah.

That's that.

Discarded, isn't it?

Right.

OK.

Socks gone?

Socks are gone.

A bit of my bum came out, then.

If we could stop in 30 seconds,
that'd be brilliant.

Five, four, three, two, one. Doof.

Trousers gone, are they?
Yeah, no trousers any more, mate.

Just me and my pants.

I mean, you are the naughtiest boy.

You know, I'd always been warned
of getting into a van

with a man with a beard with
no trousers on, but it was great.

We had such fun, didn't we, Alex?

We had a lot of fun. I hope you're
listening, kids.

LAUGHTER

Al, throwing cash at the problem.
Yeah.

There were three different
vehicles involved.

My taxi cost 60 quid, which,
you know, you could buy a sofa...

I'm selling a sofa at the moment.

£60.

What he did well was the clothes
went in different directions

at the same time. You paid a man to
just walk with some clothing. Yeah.

Yeah. Very impressive.

You're going to be at
a loss at the end of this series,

the amount of money you've
spent on... What price glory?

Currently £340.

Have we got some statistics or what?

Yes, do you want to see?

What I've done, I've plotted it on
a map, that's my sort of thing.

We can see their distances
covered here.

We're going to look at Sara's,
first of all, in green.

Quite narrow, so it's a total of...

..0.02 square miles.

Then we've got Dave's in blue.
It's more of a shape.

It's 0.3 square miles.

In red, we've got Rob's.

THEY EXCLAIM

2.7 square miles.

Finally, in purple -
nearly finally, in purple,

Al Murray, 6.2 square miles.

We're going to zoom in.

In pink. In pink.

Paul Chowdhry's clothes
covering 0.0001 square miles,

pretty much the same as his clothes.

Yeah, chuck it over... Chuck it over
a fence, stick it on a plane.

So, Al Murray was the
winner of the task.

CHEERING

I'd like to see the scoreboard,
Alex, if I could, please.

This is our 15th show. For the first
time ever, we have joint leaders.

Six points each!

Next task please, Alex.

OK, this one is one of my
favourites. It's a lab-based task.

Ooh.

Hello!

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Morning.

Oh.

Hello, mate.

Hello, Rob. Nice to meet you.

Is he your dad?

Are you his dad?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Find out what this gentleman
did for a living.

You can ask him any question,
but you must whisper at all times.

The gentleman can only nod
or shake his head.

The gentleman can only lie.

Oh, man.

Fastest wins.

Your time...starts...

..now.

Is everyone getting someone dressed
up as their future self?

LAUGHTER

I loved this one, as well.

Rob's instinct was exactly
the same as mine.

I presume that is your dad, is it?
It's not my dad.

He looks nothing like me.

He definitely looks like him, right?

Who else thought it was Alex's dad?

LAUGHTER

Nothing like me. He's not my dad.
His name is Hugh.

He's 83 years old,
same age as Michael Caine.

But we couldn't get Michael Caine,
because people know he's an actor.

Also, he hate people whispering,

so the rule is that they
have to whisper,

these guys had to whisper, and
he could only nod or shake his head.

And he's your dad. He's not my dad.

Terrible timing, but we have to stop
now for a break. Back soon.

Welcome back.
Thanks so much for that, Paul.

Our contestants are playing
for shiny items today,

and their eagerness to win them is
written all over their little faces.

Alex, can you bring us back up
to speed, please? Of course I can.

Hugh, our octogenarian friend,

is being grilled by the comedians
on what he used to do for a living.

The rule is you guys had to whisper,
he had to lie. Yeah.

And he could only nod
or shake his head.

Yeah. That's it. Do you want
to start with Rob and Paul?

Yes. Here we go, here we go.

Did you work in a public sector job?

The government?

The council?

NHS?

Oh. Was you a doctor?

What type of doctor? That's niche.

What sort of doctor? Are you mad?

Did you help people?

You worked in a care home?

Were you a driving instructor?

Are you...? Were you a doctor?

He was a doctor.
What sort of doctor, Paul?

Oh, for fuck's sake. You fucking...

I mean, I don't know what type of
doctors there are. Were you a GP?

No, you weren't. Was you a surgeon?

Brain doctor?

I don't know any more doctors.

Dentist?

I said, "Are you a doctor?"
He went no, which means he was.

That's a job.

I don't know what more you
want from me.

Were you a GP?

A doctor of paediatrics?

Like a psychiatrist?

This is unfair.

I've got he as a doctor.

Are you Dr Pepper?

Dr Doolittle?

OK, I don't know... What other
doctors are there? Surgeon?

Was you a doctor in hearing?

Heart doctor, brain doctor.

What other sorts of doctors
are there? Were you a surgeon?

Were you a nurse?

Did you ever get involved
with the nurses?

Have you got a degree in medicine?

Are you a psychologist?

I might need one.

X-rays. Are you a bone doctor?
Radiologist?

Are you an ear,
nose and throat surgeon?

Were you a doctor's assistant?

So, you gave the patient something
in the surgery rooms?

So can you mime what you
did as your job.

Anaesthetist.

That was hard work, weren't it?

Anaesthetic doctor?

He's an anaesthetic doctor.

What is that called?

When you put people into
anaesthesia.

What's the title?

Are you saying anaesthetic doctor?

An anaesthesist.
A what? Anaesthesist.

A what? Anaesthesist.

Thank you, Paul.

LAUGHTER

Wow.

I'm going to recreate my
favourite moment from that,

when Rob go his breakthrough
on the NHS.

WHISPERS: Did you work for the NHS?

Oh...

Rob got to the NHS very early,

but then spent a long time after
that pinning it down. Ages.

You, then, said things like
Captain Birdseye, Head of the NHS.

It took a while...

I was in there for about two days.

You both seemed very angry that you
had to get the type of doctor.

Yeah, cos it said what job is it - a
doctor, that's your job, isn't it?

He shouldn't have said yes.

The trouble is he is Dr Hugh,
but he's an anaesthetist.

I struggle with that word, as well,
Paul. Can you say it now?

Anaethesetisis. Yeah.
I struggle with it, too.

Do you want to know some of the
other things that Paul guessed?

Yes, please. Yoga instructor, rent
boy, baby-sitter, hygiene doctor.

Dr Dre, there was quite a few.
Dr Dre!

LAUGHTER

I didn't know. I may as well get
these ticked off before.

Rob said the word "Doctor" 49 times,

Paul said the word
"Doctor" 63 times.

He made 15 sexual references
and he swore 23 times.

15 sexual references?!

Rob took ten minutes and five
seconds to discover the truth.

Paul, slightly longer.

42 minutes and seven seconds.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's take a look at
Sarah and Dave. Here we go.

Medicine. OK.

Eh... Was it something you needed
a university education for?

Yes.

Were you a doctor?

No, I'm getting very confused
about what's...

Can you make sure you whisper,
please, Dave?

Did your job begin
with the letter A?

Wow, OK.

I didn't expect it to go that well.

Oh, right. Were you an architect?

That's the only job I can think of
that begins with an A.

Were you a heart surgeon?

Em...

Eh... Were you an archer?

Eh... Oh, God, I've really hamstrung
myself

by knowing it begins
with an A now.

Did you ever get to go in an
ambulance?

Were you a paramedic?

OK. Em...

Were you an ambulance driver?

No. A general practitioner?

Did you ever use an X-ray machine?

Were you a nurse?

I'm in the ball park, right? Yeah.

You've been in the ball park for
quite a while. I know!

Was it medical in any way?

Yes.

And it's not an ambulance driver.
Paediatrician?

OK, em...

Were you an anaesthetist?

Get in.

That's a result.

Wow.

Well, I think I've got to win this
one, haven't I? Surely that's...

4 minutes 21, Dave.

Nobody's getting that in under
4 minutes 21.

Were you an anaesthetist?

Is that it?

Yeah!

That was pretty fast.

Sara seemed very efficient to me.

Couple of highlights from Sara -

"Did you make babies in
a test tube?"

It's a doctor.

"Did you specialise in urinary
tract infections?" Very specific.

I was trying to guess the
different types of doctor.

You did. That's an incredibly
specific doctor, isn't it?

Eight minutes 31 she took. That was
pretty impressive. She's into...

into the lead.

But, obviously, we heard that Dave
did it in four minutes 21.

Currently in the lead with one to
go. That was good. It was good.

It was. It was.

Al?

Four minutes 21 to beat.
Four minutes 21 to beat. You ready?

Impossible, innit? Let's go.

Dave thinks so. Let's see.
Here we go. Not any more, I don't.

Did you do it for a very long time?

So, yeah, you did.

Was it highly skilled?

Yes, it was.

Did it involve working
with, like machinery?

Yes, it did.

OK. Were you a doctor? Keep your
voice down a little bit, Al.

Sorry.

QUIETER: Were you a doctor?

Yes. So you were a...

Were you a GP?

No. Were you a surgeon?

No. An anaesthetist?

GASPS AND CHEERING

SHE MOUTHS

Nice to meet you.

SARA: Oh, my God!

Unfortunately, not whispering at
the beginning of the task,

so null in void.

ALL GROAN

I'm joking! I'm joking, of course.
Like me, please, like me.

LAUGHTER

Good, well, amazing performances
nearly all round.

Yeah, I mean, Al was...
He was tender, he was professional.

He said afterwards he knew because
he had soft hands

when he shook his hands.

Yep. Really?
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Yep.

I could just tell.

He'd not done anything like
manual labour,

because he had very soft,
delicate hands.

So, he must have been an
anaesthetisis.

I've a cousin who's an anaeth...
An anae... No...

Who does this job.

So, I just got this vibe off him.
Wow.

Properly Derren-Browned it. Yeah.

Do you want to know his time? No.

Yeah, yeah, please.

Eight seconds and two minutes.

APPLAUSE

Tell me how it's affected
the scoreboard.

Well, obviously they are now
no longer on the same score.

They're all on different scores,
and Al Murray is in the lead. Bam!

Lovely whispering work. Let's have
another task, Alex, please.

OK, it's a team challenge.

It's a hi-tech team task.

Ready? Here we go.

OK. Do you want to read it?

No, you read it. OK.

P51D Mustang.
Is that a good one? Yeah.

"Make the most special effect."

"Make the most special effect.

"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."

Special effect.
They've got green screen. Yeah.

If one of us wore a green outfit,
we could fly this aeroplane

across this amazing landscape
that we put in later.

ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER,
AL IMITATES AIRCRAFT GUNS

Well, that's pretty special.

I could try and be King Kong.
Yeah, that's what I mean.

You can come in really angry.
I can do a chimp face.

So, there's like this horrible
monkey...

Well, then, we could tell a story,
we could do anything.

We could make us all disappear.
Independence Day.

Big Momma's House?

Pick a film.

LAUGHTER

Some very interesting team dynamics
straightaway, I thought.

Some very sensible suggestions
from Dave and Al

followed by Paul listing
terrible films.

Big Momma's House,
there was three to choose from.

I think you misunderstood
the task, mate.

Special effects, innit? Som why are
you saying Big Momma's House?

Cos the same actor played
all of the characters.

Martin Lawrence isn't a woman.
They're not the same people...

It's not... He's doing all of them.

Oh! We didn't have a clue, did we,
when we watched that? No, we didn't.

We thought it was all real.

Yeah, it's all CG...
It's very special.

You need to watch
more foreign films.

LAUGHTER

Let's have a look at
Al, Paul and Big Momma's House.

And David. OK.

WHISTLE BLOWS

MUSIC: Carnival De Paris
by Dario G

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good.

I mean, pleased with it?

Yeah. Bit different to
Big Momma's House,

but that's as close
as you could get to it.

I mean, you'd been sacked by
the end of the film, it seemed.

Your character, that's gone.

Yeah, there's a sequel to that
coming out soon, I think.

Can we talk through the
narrative of the film?

I can talk you through it,
cos I watched it.

I don't want to read too much into
it, but at the beginning,

there's a man who's got a head,
but another head on top of the head.

He's hidden...

One of his heads is reading
the paper,

and the other head is Al Murray,
the comedian.

Am I right so far? I had no idea it
was an autobiographical piece.

Then the ball hits it, and then
Al Murray's head is in the air.

Oh, no, I'm really worried about
Al Murray. Then, occasionally...

Can I stop you, Sara?
I'll just tell you now

that I don't know whether people
will be going,

"Oh, no, I'm worried about Al
Murray."

Because Al Murray's disembodied
head was smiling throughout.

Also, sometimes, for the viewer
who might get scared so easily,

he occasionally just came out of
the green screen,

so you could see his trousers.

You remembered what it was
and stopped worrying.

Yeah, it's special.
That's a special effect.

That was one of our special effects.

Sometimes the word "special"
can mean bad.

Right, I think this is as good
a time as any to take a quick break.

When we return,
we'll see Rob and Sara's

potentially Oscar-winning
short film.

Then, all five will hit the stage
for the final task of the show,

bye-bye for now.

Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Thank you, Paul. Here we are in the
final part of the show.

There's Al Murray's broken
torch to be won

and a live task to take place,

but first, what are we up to?
Well, we've just seen

the Beards' very incredible special
effect movie.

It's just the brother and sister,
Rob and Sara's film to go.

You ready? Yeah, let's see the
twins. Here we go.

Hey, Rob. Do you like my new shoes?
What shoes?

My shoes have disappeared.
No, they haven't.

These aren't mine.

What about these?

I've never seen these
before in my life.

Here you go, then.

Ugh! Rob! This is ridiculous.
Will you just give me back my shoes?

Coming right up.

Oh, phew. Thank gosh you've stopped
mucking around with shoes.

And I asked you not to use
magic in the house.

We're not in the house.

Rob!

How are you going to magic
yourself out of a divorce?

I'll find a way.

Nice shoes.

Introducing them as brother and
sister has taken a sinister twist.

Shoes were the least of our worries.

I think, regardless of their
relationship,

it's a fairly sinister film.

I'm intrigued. What was your
understanding of it, Al?

What did you think was going on
there? Well, they were doing a thing

where they were making shoes appear
and disappear. Correct.

LAUGHTER

Is that your review,
three stars? Out.

But there was also
the emotional story.

This poor woman who has to live
with this guy

who keeps making
shoes appear and disappear.

Then there's the divorce and then
there's a new coupling.

There were some issues there, wasn't
there? I mean... What issues?

There was a gay man trapped in
a heterosexual marriage, presumably.

Eh, yes. Or just maybe...
Hence his obsession with shoes.

Yeah, why are we talking about
my private life? We're at work.

I thought he was a very nuanced
character, though, the...

..the insane, winking, gay magician.

As far as I can work out
in the narrative, though,

you taunted her by repeatedly
changing her footwear... Yeah, sure.

..and then, you made her disappear
and you replaced her with a man.

Yes, that is correct.
Why taunt her with the shoes?

Why not just get rid of her
and bring the man in?

Cos that shoe's too loose.

I don't know what that means. What?

The character you were playing, the
shoe didn't... It didn't fit him.

Yes. That's probably what
it would be called, wouldn't it?

The shoe didn't fit, emotionally?

Really, I should have
been with a man...

It's like a reverse Cinderella
story, in a way.

Yeah, so it was me going through
my emotional changes

of what do I want, when do I want it
and also, what a waste of magic.

I mean, honestly, I preferred
the football one

until I started getting into the
back-story of those...

Poor couple, I mean,
what he must be going through.

So difficult not to be able to just
live in your own skin,

or, indeed, to be fired into
a different dimension.

Can I do a draw? No, cos it's
got to five points split.

All right, then. I'm going to give
three to the football team

and two to that team there.

3-2.

Alex, where are we at score-wise?
Well, it is exciting.

For the first time in the series,
with one task to go,

anyone can win, but Al Murray is
currently in the lead with 14.

Right, one of our contestants
is going to go home safely

in Dave Gorman's hi-vis jacket.

To find out who that person is,

we need them all to participate in
one final contest.

Will you please make your way
to the stage

for the final task of the show?!

Not many props this time.

Sara Pascoe, will you please read
the task to your fellow contestants?

DAVE: Can I point out that Sara

is not wearing any shoes because Rob
winked?

I've still got my powers, guys.

There we go, Sara.
Thank you.

Wearing a blindfold,
cover yourself in sticky notes.

Sticky notes must be applied
individually.

The person with the most
sticky notes

still sticking to their
body after 100 seconds wins.

Pretty straightforward.
Yeah.

It's got dignity written
all over it.

When you say body, you've got to
take your clothes off

and put them on your body?
No, mate. Absolutely not.

Blindfolds on.

They can't go inside clothes.

Ah, no. Good question, Rob.
Thank you.

They must be on the outside
of your clothes.

Cos I was going to get 100 sticky
notes in my pants.

LAUGHTER

Sticky notes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The problem with this
is I can't see anything.

LAUGTHER

It does make it harder, don't it?

OK, blindfolds on, good luck.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Off they go.

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

How's it going, Paul? Good, mate.

What's your technique, Paul?
Just rub them on me.

15 seconds left.

Go on, Al. Stick to the jeans.

Five, four...

AUDIENCE: ..three, two,

one.
CHEERING

WHISTLE BLOWS

Stand still.

The counters are coming on.

I feel vulnerable.

Is everyone else standing here
like this, or is it just me?

Rob, it's so weird.

Dave, you get extra marks for your
comedy eyelashes, there.

I'm going to hold you to that.
The sticky notes have been counted.

Please join me down here,
we'll find out the final scores.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, there we are, Alex.
Have you got some stats for me?

Have I?

I don't know. Yes. Yes, I do.

So the worst person at
sticking sticky notes to their body

was Paul Chowdhry.

Really? 29. 29 sticky notes.

Then Al with 31.

I'm surprised by that,

cos Al was hampered by an overly
expensive jacket.

Yes, he did come second last.
Sara in third with 33.

Dave and Rob, both in the 40s.

OOHING

Dave got 40. Rob, 45!

CHEERING

Without resorting to ramming
them down your pants.

I didn't have to ram them
down my pants. Impressive.

So, I presume that means you have
the final scores for the show.

I do. I can say that Rob is winning
the series by just two points.

OOHING
Series leader.

But the winner of this episode, a
first-time winner.

It's Mr Dave Gorman.

CHEERING

Thank you very much.

Dave Gorman is the winner,
thoroughly deserved.

You may now go up and collect
your shiny prizes.

CHEERING

Well, we made it, Alex.
You made it, Greg.

I did, didn't I? And what exactly
have we learnt today?

Well, this is what we've learnt -

the next time you get on a plane
and you're experiencing turbulence,

have a look out the window,
there might be a giant sock on it.

But, more than anything, we've
learnt that today's winner

is Mr Dave Gorman!

Congratulations to Dave,
commiserations to everyone else.

Thank you. I love you all.
Goodnight.

Subtitles by Ericsson