Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Little Polythene Grief Cave - full transcript

The guests take on more ridiculous tasks, whilst Al Murray is convinced urine and sweat are the same thing.

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APPLAUSE

Hello, hello. I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.

Look at this titanic trophy.

It, like me, is magnificent,
and as our five competitors battle

on through this third episode,
they each edge nearer to winning it

and becoming the next
Taskmaster series champion.

Let's meet the prospective
titleholders now.

They are...Al Murray!

APPLAUSE

Dave Gorman!

Paul Chowdhry!



Rob Beckett!

And Sara Pascoe!

And look who it is,
it's little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE

Oh! Aww!

Hello, Alex. Hello, Greg.
How are you? Have you been busy?

I've been very... You gave me...

you gave me a promotion, so thank
you for that. That's all right.

You said we are still
many, many leagues apart,

but I'm now semiprofessional,
so that's nice. That is nice.

Makes a difference. I can feed
and clothe my children now,

so that's nice. Thank you for that,
makes a difference, honestly.
That's all right. Onwards!

As always, the show starts
with a prize task.

What have we asked them
to bring in today, Alex?



OK, well, today, we
asked them to bring in

their best battery-operated item.
GREG WHISTLES

LAUGHTER

Oh... Hmm.

Oh... I didn't even think of that!
I didn't think of that.

It's going to be THAT kind of crowd.

So, whoever brings in the best
battery-operated item,

in your opinion, will win the first
maximum points of the show.

Whoever wins the whole episode will
win five battery-operated items.

All to play for.
Dave Gorman, you're a modern man.

What battery-operated, er,

thing have you brought in and why
should I give you points for it?

Erm, I have brought in a thing
called Ewan the Dream Sheep and...

Aww!
LAUGHTER

I've got a baby at home
and we were given this.

It's got batteries in it
and it plays, sort of,

white noise that soothes
a baby to sleep.

What?! Yeah, what's it sound like?

AL RETCHES

No, not like that. No, it's like
"Come here, mate, what you doing?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We had this and it did soothe
our baby to sleep and the baby was

in the cot in our room, and
then I had to go on tour and

I missed my baby
so much I bought another one for

me to go in the hotel with me,
so that I could hear the sound...

Another baby? ..that would remind
me of my baby. Very good.

OK, look, Rob,
what have you brought?

I've brought a light for a toilet,
so that when you wee, you can

see where you're weeing without
waking up fully by turning

the light on in the bathroom.

I mean, do you know, I mean...
That would scare the shit out of me.

You'd be in the right place, then!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Al, what did you bring in?
I've brought in a Wall-E toy.

AUDIENCE: Aww.
He's lovely, isn't he?

He's not going to help me do
an accurate piss in the middle

of the night, though, is he?

Or is he? Well!

Is it remote control?
What stuff's it got on it?

You press the button and he sort of
does this jig about and he goes,

"Wall-E!"
HE BEEPS

Wow. Like that, and he's
just lovely.

That's interesting, cos my
instinct was to push you off

the stage when you started
making that noise.

He's lovely. His lovely,
he's friendly.

He's pretty cute for a robot.

Sara. Erm, OK, I brought a
genuinely good, expensive thing.

It's called an iPod.

Are you listening to your own album?

Who is that? "And I am
actually artist of the week!"

Good value for money.

I also do need this back,

because I have a Nokia that doesn't
go on the internet and I can

only check my e-mails on this,
so I do need to win this episode.

There is some risk there,
I'll give you that. Yeah. Yeah.

Paul, already I'm petrified as to
what you may have brought us in.

I brought a hairband, innit?
Of course it is.

It's got everything you need
on there. Dreadlocks.

I need more than dreadlocks.

The dreadlocks light up.

Oh, they light up?! Oh, then
it HAS got everything I need(!)

This is where you can become
a Rasta without becoming a Rasta.

You can become a Rasta
without becoming a Rasta?

OK, here we go,
I'm going to make a quick judgment.

Dave, sorry, your sheep's going in
last place. Aw, man.

Al, Wall-E, fourth place and you're
lucky not... Everyone loves Wall-E!

Yeah, I don't.

Third, Sara, iPod. Nice item. Meh.

Er, second, unbelievably...

and I am someone who wants to be
a Rasta, but not an actual Rasta...

I'm going to put that in second
place because I'm a middle aged man

and I've got a swollen prostate.
Congratulations.

I'm so happy you got
a swollen prostate.

Genuinely have. Prizes sorted.

Let's move on to the first
task proper.

Alex, what are we about to see?

We're going to kick things off with
some bodily fluids. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

Don't like it? I'm just looking at
the objects.

What's he come up with now?

Oh, come off it.

Fill this eggcup
with your own sweat.

I knew it was going to be weird,
mate. Most sweat wins.

You have 20 minutes,
your time start now.

SHE SIGHS

You must complete the whole task
speaking in an accent

different to your own in 20 minutes.

This is... This is mental.

This is not normal. This is...
You are... You're pushing your luck.

Urgh.

Let me do some press ups or
something, innit?

Erm...

I'm a little bit confused.

I mean, it looks like you've only
told Rob to speak in an accent.

Yeah, I'm in charge of admin.

There's genuine error. Rob, I'm so
sorry. I'm so sorry.

That is a catastrophic error.
It's so frustrating.

That's going to be absolutely
humiliating, isn't it?

The edit of this could end my
career.

Might as well give him the
deadlocks now.

I'm as frustrated as you. I
really am. Yeah.

Well, I can't wait any longer.
Let's get into it.

OK, we'll kick off with Rob.
Rob and Dave.

Tell me when it's finished.

OK, here we go.
What temperature are we on?

It's off at the moment, the heating.

Can we turn it on, please? Turn
on...? Yes.

Thank you. OK.

And bring the portable heaters in.

Got it. OK? OK.

I'm going to get me coat.

I got all the clothes I could find.

You OK?

Going to get warm.

I'm getting hot on my face.

Ha. Yeah.

Oh, Rob!

No result? Does this go hotter?

I am hot.
So why is it not coming out?

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Dave. I might need some
help getting out.

What are you doing, Rob? Squeezing
my head. Into the eggcup? Yeah.

Is it working? No.

I wish it was.

But it isn't working.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Rob.

I just thought if I just speak and
just try and move my tongue

a bit different...

And I'll see what comes out.

I mean, it seems to
me you were doing an awful

lot of work whilst Dave just built
himself a greenhouse

and settled down.

Were you sweating in your little
polythene grief cave?

Grief cave!

No, I found it very hard to
generate any sweat.

I thought I was creating a sauna.

It took me basically most
of 20 minutes to build it.

And then went, "Oh, it doesn't
work."

You created some sweat cos you
crated some sort of gutter

system through your buttocks which
is why I wore the glove.

and we had five drops from Dave.
From his arse?

Yeah. It was collected down the
back and then trickled into the cup.

You can use whatever gully
God gives you.

Yeah. Rob, unfortunately,
not a single drop of sweat,

but 12 different accents,
including three new ones.

So, who's next? Uh...

What about Paul Chowdhry? Why not?

Why not indeed? Here we go.

I should have bought a belt.

Not a drop.

Al Murray's going to win this,
that fat bastard.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Quit tickling me.

Stop it!

Whoa! That's a lot.

WHISTLE BLOWS

That's your time.

APPLAUSE

Paul, why's it that colour?

I'm going to ask you
a straight question here, mate.

Are you blacking up?

I mean, we know you've got
some fake dreadlocks.

I'm feeling a lot better
about my accent now.

Why was it that colour?

I creamed myself before.
You creamed yourself?

I creamed myself, like,
earlier on that day.

You say that like
it's standard practice.

You moisturise your own body,
innit, before, when...

You moisturise your body? Yeah.

OK, I'm going to ask you
the same question.

Why's it that colour, mate?

Because the T-shirt was
a dark colour. Oh, the T-shirt.

And it rubbed onto the sweat
and the cream... The cream.

..and created some kind of
a sweat fungus.

The old black sweat fungus.

But the colour doesn't make
a difference to my...?

No, it was all sweat.
12 drops of sweat.

Whoa!

Well, as pleasant as this is,

I'm afraid we have to take
a quick break. Please return soon

to discover just how sweaty
Al Murray and Sara Pascoe are.

Bye for now.

APPLAUSE

Hello there. Welcome back.
In case you've just tuned in,

all the comics are trying to win
Rob Beckett's loo seat light.

Alex, please remind me
where we're at. Hello there.

Well, our contestants are trying
to fill an egg cup with sweat.

Paul Chowdhry is currently
in the lead with 12 drops.

Next up, we're going to see
a Pascoe-Murray montage at last.

Am I right in thinking
that sweat and urine

are made of the same stuff?

GROANING

Oh, I'm not sweating, Alex!

I've just got a nice hot face.

They are the same thing, medically,
they're urea, aren't they?

Urine and sweat are the same thing.

Boxing, they sweat at boxing,
don't they?

That looks designed for the purpose.

It's got to do something.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

SPLASHING

Am I allowed to get
other people's sweat?

"Own sweat". What about if I bought
it off someone in this room?

I would technically own it.

Does anyone want to sell me
a drop of sweat for a pound?

You been?

Yeah, I've been.

And I reckon
I can fill this egg cup.

I'm actually not doing too
badly, drip-wise.

Really? Yeah.

GROANING

Pretty full.

There's bloody loads in there.
That's human sweat.

I've milked his head. There you go,
£2. Thank you. You earned it. Yes!

APPLAUSE

I thought I did the grossest thing
possible in that challenge.

Right, well, listen, Sara used
her brain and bought some sweat.

I am totally allowing that.

Yeah, she does own the sweat.

She paid our sound man £2
for eight drops of sweat.

She's in second place. Now, it's
what you do with old Al's wee-wee.

Well, I... This will surprise you -
I'm not medically qualified,

so have you got an answer for me?

Is sweat the same as
Al Murray's bright yellow urine?

We have consulted
not one but two doctors.

We consulted the Van Tulleken twins
from the telly, so they both said,

yeah, they're both mostly water,

but by that logic,
you could have used beer.

Xand said they're made in different
ways by a different part of the body

and are easy to distinguish without
the need for a scientific test

and culturally everyone makes
a clear distinction between them,

and Chris says, "Nice try, Murray,
but I'd fail him, he's talking
gibberish." So it's up to you.

But at the time I said, "They're the
same thing, aren't they?

"Let's Google it - are urine
and sweat the same thing?"

Google said yes straightaway.

If it had said no,
I wouldn't have done it.

I'd have run around like a gimp.
Do you know what, Al?

And if Google had paid their taxes,
I would allow you to win.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Woo! Sorry, I've got to go
with the show doctors.

Show doctors said they're produced
by different parts of the body

in different ways. Sorry, Al's out.

Al's out? Simple as that. OK.
Damn it! So tell us who...

So actually, Rob comes in fourth
with his zero drops of sweat.

Unbelievable. OK. Give him one clap.

BRIEF APPLAUSE

Who's third?

It's Dave, then Sara,
then the winner, for the first time,

Mr Paul Chowdhry. Bam!

APPLAUSE

Unbelievable.

You see?
Creaming yourself can pay dividends.

OK, we're really moving now. What's
next? We have a... We've got a task!

Ooh! Oh, this is fun, innit?

HE LAUGHS

"Push me", says the ball.

How's it going? Good, thanks, Paul.

"Push me."

Brilliant.

Oh!

Amazing!

Ah, wonderful! Did you do that?

What was all that about?

"Make the best domino rally."

What's a domino rally?

I knew it.

Your time starts...

now.

APPLAUSE

What are we calling a domino rally?
How are we defining that?

Well, you wanted to see them achieve

a domino effect, where one thing
makes another thing happen,

one thing knocks another thing over.

So it didn't necessarily have to be
dominos? We gave them 1,000 dominos.

Oh, so it could be dominos.
It could be. We also gave them

a house full of items.
Shall we see some?

OK, we're going to kick off
with Dave's literal approach.

Want me to go for it?

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Played it with a straight bat but
genuinely impressive.

Add 434 dominoes set up in an hour.

Those are sort of numbers I like.
Pure domino.

I read domino rally as a rally of
dominoes

in the same way that that I saw
sweat as sweat rather than piss.

I've been very literal in my
interpretation of the test.

Just a really impressive domino
rally. Well done. Thank you very
much, sir.

Who's next? Sara,
who wasn't initially into dominoes.

No, I'm not into them. No,
but you do gave it a good go,
didn't you?

Mm. I did it. You did it.
I did it. You did it. Yeah.

"Hello! We're Take That.
Welcome to the concert."

"Yeah!"

Meanwhile, at the back of the
concert, "Hi, I'm Sara Pascoe. I'm
really dancing.

"What's that in the distance?
I can hear a volcano."

Whoosh!

"Oh, no, the volcano's erupted."

SHE SNIFFS

"What's that smell? Oh, my God, it
smells like that gas that makes
everyone

"go really stiff and fall over.
Oh, no!"

LAUGHTER

"Oh, no, this falling over has made
Take That feel really mortal inside.

"We're going to pay all of our
tax in future."

APPLAUSE

Well, you went from being bored to
having a full mental breakdown.

I was doing a whole play about tax
and I opened what you said about

Google, that you don't like people
who tax avoid either... I don't.

..so I thought you'd like the play.
I really did like the play.

I thought it was brilliant. Good.
Yeah, Gary Barlow. Cough up.

You've seen the domino
representation of what happens.

LAUGHTER

Who's next?
Rob Beckett. Ooh! Ooh!

Straight ahead. Deadpan.

ENGINE STARTS

What?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Very good. I mean, who could...?
Who could ever predict that a
domino

rally would be a useful health and
safety warning video?

It was very funny. Just five people,
a ball pool, a mattress, a brush and
a van.

And it was a lot of fun, wasn't it?
It was a lot of fun.

Time for a break now, on the other
side of which, we'll see

Al Murray and Paul Chowdhry
playing with dominoes.

It's a world exclusive.
See you soon.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hi.

It's Taskmaster part three and in
a new high for comedy

our five comics are vying for
a light-up hairband.

Alex Horne, can you delight us with
a quick recap, please?

Yes, we've seen
a variety of domino rally attempts.

We're yet to see Al or Paul's.
We're going to start with Al's.

Right.

HE EXHALES

Three, two, one.

Oh, you absolute bell end!

LAUGHTER

Dammit.

Can I see if the rest
would've worked?

AUDIENCE: Aw!

APPLAUSE

That is really annoying.

INDISTINCT

Poor little Al's face.

It was a really good idea though.

HIGH PITCHED: You just only knocked
some of it down.

It's not helping,
this voice, is it?

It was really good. It didn't work.
Nearly clever, didn't work.

One more to see. Who's next?

The last one is Paul Chowdhry and
quite often in this show

we end on something that's either
brilliant or not so brilliant. Yeah.

Which way will we jump?

WHOOSHING

MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, love it.

I mean at no point were you told
that you had to have an egg

fall into a pan. That, my friend,
was a hurdle of your own making.

That's how I make eggs in the
morning, innit?

It was incredible though, Paul.
That was incredible, right?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, unfortunately for Al and
Sara,

despite their wonderful creativity,

they failed to knock all of their
dominoes down and therefore

they must share joint last place
on this occasion.

Fine. But shame on you, Take That.

Third place. Oh, man... I'm going to
put Rob.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Am I?

LAUGHTER

I'm a comedian so I want everyone to
like me. I'm sticking with that.

Rob, Dave, obviously, Paul Chowdhry
absolutely romps home in
first place.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

I think a quick task would be good
now.

You're so slick. OK,
here is a Taskmaster favourite.

Oh!

Is that for me? Yes.

What's this?
It's out of the Evil Dead.

LAUGHTER

Rolled up £20 note. It's not
that kind of show, is it?

LAUGHTER

It's the kind of task I like.

Cash, rude boy. Cash.

"Buy a gift for the Taskmaster. You
have 20 weeks..."

"Your time starts now."

APPLAUSE

Who's first? I think we'll start
with Rob. Rob.

A footstool for your chair.

OTHERS: Oh!

So you can...
I think you like to stretch out.

I do like stretching out.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

APPLAUSE

I mean, it's going to take some
beating. I absolutely love it, Rob.

Thanks very much. That's all right.
Dave. I've got a variety of items.

You're from Wem. I am from Wem.

Yeah. I bought you a book called the
story of Wem. Wow! It's that thick?

LAUGHTER

I know you support Wem Town football
club.

I didn't know they existed,
genuinely.

It's on your Facebook page as one of
your likes.

And I got you the programme from
their biggest ever game.

I have got you a vintage bottle
from the Wem Brewery.

Shrewsbury and Wem Brewery.
Genuinely closed down,

the Wem Brewery. Yeah, yeah.

It's where I went for
all my school trips. ALL of them.

And I've brought you a single
called Wem.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Who's next? Al Murray, now.

I have for you, Taskmaster,

£20 worth of the Last Rolo.

That is incredible.

That is so wonderful. Thank you, Al.
You're welcome!

I had to eat over 300 Rolos
to achieve that.

And did you eat the 300 Rolos?
What do you think?!

Sara next, are you ready for Sara?

I was thinking that one of the
things that money can't buy is time,

and I know that you're in a very
successful sitcom called Man Down

and also you have to
write the sitcom,

and I thought what I would do
with my money

is write some of it for you.

LAUGHTER

For the next series!

Save you some time. Thanks!

APPLAUSE

Oh, and because it was only £20,

I've only written one page.

If you want the rest, you'll have to
pay for it page by page.

It is genuinely blank.

But it saves you some time! Thanks,
Sara, it was a really great idea.

And we've left him to last again -
Paul Chowdry.

Well, you're a man
that likes women -

I've known you for a long time,

you've had a lot of women...
Don't say it in that creepy voice.

I like women, I like men,
it's all good.

But mainly women, innit.

What do you think he's got in
the box, at this stage?

I mean, a severed hand?

So you're a man that likes women.

Yeah.

You're right, Paul, I do...
GRAVELLY VOICE: ..like women.

Oh, it's not creepy.
It's a game of Twister.

That is lovely.

Right, go on, then,
quick as you can. Oh, Jesus. Really?

How are you going to rate them?
Christ, I have no idea.

I'm putting Man Down,
Sara's episode, last.

Then I'm going to put Twister.
Sorry.

Naked Twister, man. I know...

I know what you're implying,
and so does everyone else.

Rolo third.

In second place, the footstool.

My town gets no publicity.

I'm putting Dave Gorman's Wemmian
gifts first. Viva Shropshire! Wem!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How does that affect the scoreboard?

Well, he may have come last
in the opening two episodes,

but Paul Chowdry
is still in the lead! Yes!

Can't believe it.

What is next in line, Alex?

This one, Greg. Cooking!

Hello.

Hello. Ooh! A tray.

What?!

I don't even understand.

"Create the best...flag meal."

That's on there like that's a thing.

What's a flag meal?

The Taskmaster likes to eat meals
that look like flags.

OK. An actual flag? Yes, please.

"You have ten minutes to choose
your flag and plan your meal."

"Then 30 minutes
to prepare your meal.

"Best flag meal wins.

"Your time starts..."

"..now."

Right. I need some rice
and some food colouring.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I like flags, I like food.

And as always, I have to taste
the food for you. Yes, of course.

Do you want to see what Sara did
for you? Yes, please. OK.

Here's Sara's flag.

This is absolutely fabulous.

# O Canada, O Canada

# How long you've been
my country... #

Hello, Sara. Hello, Alex. Dinner's
ready. And what flag is that?

Are you shitting me?

It's the Canadian flag!

Look at that. Wow.

And it's only 15,000 calories.

Let's hope he likes it.

Mmm.

Mmm.

The icing's quite...

..chewy. Like a real flag.

That's exactly what it tastes like -
a real flag.

That's what I wanted!

It LOOKS great.

Thank you, Sara. Thank you. What did
you say it was again? Canada?

Canada, yeah.

Well, it certainly was an impressive
flag. Can we see it again?

If you want. Whoa!
It's pretty good.

It's a beautiful thing.
Is it a meal?

Yeah! It's a starter and dessert.

They bring it to you
and you eat the fruit

and then they bring it back
when you've had your main

and then you have the liquorice.

And the icing. Yeah. Have you not
been to Canada?

Is this what those guys eat?

It's traditional.
That's why they're so happy.

And why they're all diabetic.

Al? Do you want to see Al's?

What flag do you think Al did?

Oh, you didn't.

No, I didn't!

You didn't piss in the tray,
did you?

Go on. OK.

This is what Al did.

Well, you asked for a flag meal.

APPLAUSE

Oh, it's the wrong way up. Sorry.

Oh! Yeah, Great Britain. Don't you
hate it when that happens?

How did you do these lines?

Very accurate. With a spoon.

Just laying it out.

I'm going to taste a bit of each
colour. Yeah, sure. I think.

I'm sure it's delicious.

I'm not sure it's delicious,
but I'll tell you in a minute.

Ooh, he's straight in. Mmm.

Straightforward, isn't it? Yeah.
As a meal.

You'll notice you get a tang
off the colouring.

Strange taste, the red, isn't it?

Yes. That's how I'd describe it.

It's not unpleasant. No.

Thank you, Al.
I'm glad you liked it.

I mean, "liked" is a strong word...
No, you liked it.

You know, you weren't sick
or anything.

If you're not sick,
you liked it? Yeah.

I wasn't sick, you're right.
Brilliant.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Delicious lovely union...
Was it delicious?

I really like rice. Yeah.

I love rice.
Just as well, mate, innit?

There was a lot of rice.

There were three whole bottles
of food colouring.

Two reds, one blue.
But it was all right!

It was all right. It didn't taste
that bad, did it?

Can we call rice a meal?

If you eat enough of it, yeah.

I mean, if you ate all that, you'd
be, "Oh, what a lovely meal."

Right? Boom-ba, fatty boom-ba.

Lovely meal.

Let's have a look at Dave Gorman's
flag meal.

Right.

Mr Horne. Hi, Dave.

Your skull and crossbones surprise.

And there it is! That looks...

APPLAUSE
..delicious.

Bit of the lower jaw
with one of the teeth

and obviously some of the black...
Black rice.

It's delicious, isn't it? Delicious.

I can imagine it's the sort of thing
you would eat at sea,

when, you know, for months. Yeah.

And then it might taste...all right.

Great flag meal, Dave.
Thank you very much. Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Did you enjoy the champagne
with your meal?

No, I didn't get any champagne,
in the end.

No. Was there any champagne
in the meal?

There was some champagne
in the chef.

So when you were asked
what ingredients you wanted,

you ordered yourself
a bottle of champagne.

I mean, the reaction of the crowd to
the actual flag speaks for itself.

LAUGHTER

I mean...

There's quail's eggs, some beans,
noodles,

you've got some cauliflower,
squid ink, and rice.

Squid ink?! Yeah!
It's a cooking ingredient.

Absolutely incredible.

If I were being chased by two boats
with pirates on,

I would be most frightened of
the one flying that flag.

I thought it was very tasty,

but then I had drunk
most of a bottle of champagne.

We still have the thrill of Paul
and Rob's flag meals to come.

Plus the final task of the show,
live on stage!

See you after the break.

Hello there!

Welcome back to the last chapter of
today's Taskmaster story.

We'll soon see five comedians
up on the stage

for our live task, but before that,

we need to conclude
the current conundrum.

Alex, a little reminder, please.

Yes, well,
they've all been creating flag meals

for me to try and you to judge.

So far, I've eaten Sara's
maple leaf, Al's union flag,

and Dave's Jolly Roger. We're going
to have a look at Rob...

LAUGHTER

Rob Beckett, now, we're going to
have a look at Rob Beckett.

Hello.

I've got your flag dinner.
I'm so hungry.

Konnichiwa.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Eat it all, mate,
just pop it all in.

I'm not going to pop it in
in one, like an animal.

Oh, wow, look at that.

It's quite a dark red. Very dark.

Blood red. It's like beetroot,
innit?

What it reminds me of,
just before I pop it in,

is placenta.

Mm.

It's... It is what it is,
isn't it, Rob.

I'm giving up there. Um...
I've had half of Japan.

I don't think I can eat
any more of that.

Sure. All right, then.
Thank you, Rob. Bye!

APPLAUSE

I mean, the gall to deliver that
and say "konnichiwa".

LAUGHTER

I mean, I was going for more,
you know,

accurate flag than meal,

and that is pretty spot on.
Were you?!

Actually, you've only done
the middle bit of the flag.

You've ignored the rest of it.
You've only done part of the flag.

A flag isn't just that bit,
it's a square around it.

I'd seasoned it. With salt.

Sounds like you've won.

There were two layers to the red.

He had for some reason
dyed a pancake red

and then doused it in ketchup.

Have we got someone left? Yeah,
we've left Paul to last for once.

Oh, now that can mean two things.

He had a go. He had a go,
and this is what he did.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Dinner is served, young man.

Thank you, Paul.

Wow.

What is it? Mexican flag, innit?
Is it?

Well, I guess we should eat Mexico.

Thank you. Like it?

No.

I don't think it looks like
an eagle.

Well, it did look like an eagle,
but you ate the beak.

Viva la Mexico.

APPLAUSE

"It did look like an eagle
till you ate the beak."

LAUGHTER

Is that what you think is

the only thing that makes us able to
recognise eagles,

that they've got beaks? Yeah.

So if an eagle wants to disguise
itself, it's just got to...

"No eagles here!"

Clark Kent had the glasses.

Eagles have got the beaks.

It's meant to feature an eagle
holding a serpent in its talon

perched on top of a prickly pear
cactus. Exactly.

What did you use to represent that?
Mustard.

Does it actually look like
the Mexican flag, that? No.

What it looks like is the Mali flag.
Oh!

Mali flag.
It genuinely does.

I got Mexico and Mali mixed up.

Good news, though, we didn't say
that the flag had to look like

the flag that YOU'D chosen.

Just a flag. You had to make a meal
out of a flag.

Two flags in one, there.
You did a subconscious Mali.

Right, well, I think the crowd
spoke volumes

when they saw Dave's Jolly Roger.

CHEERING

Straight into first place.

Second place, Accidental Mali.

I mean, Sara's, I would hate to eat
that meal, it would sicken me,

but it was beautiful,
so third place, I would say.

And then, surprise surprise,
Al next and Rob last. Duh!

What does that do to our scores,
Alex?

Paul is still in the lead,
but it's not unassailable.

Dave is just two points behind.

OK, everyone, the time has come for
you to leave the area

and head to the stage.
That's right -

it's time for the final task
of the show!

OK. It's not immediately obvious
what on earth is going on.

Dave, would you please read
the final task out? Here we go.

"Anchor these balloons
using only bread."

Simple as that, right?

"The person with the most
fully inflated balloons

"resting on their mat
and held down by bread alone

"after 100 seconds wins."

It's the old classic.

Good luck, everyone.
100 seconds starts...

WHISTLE
Good luck! Here we go.

Oh, oh! We've lost one from Paul.

Paul, you need to win this, Paul.

This could be your only opportunity.

That is a technique.
That is a technique.

Don't tell the others!

You've literally made
a balloon sandwich.

Literally made a balloon sandwich.

I didn't want to point out when any
particular individual is doing well,

but clearly someone is.

Stop looking, stop looking!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Come here!

Very neat, Paul, very neat.

Three here.

We've got two here, and then four,

and then a lot over there.
20 seconds left.

20 seconds left!

Oh, fucking hell.

Four seconds.

WHISTLE
Step away!

Step away, step away.

OK, come down, let's see how
that's affected the final scores.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Some pretty exciting
balloon-on-bread action there.

How did it go?

Well, in last place was Al Murray
with 2. Wiped out.

Paul, who was in the lead,
came second last with 3.

Oh, Paul, you had everything to
play for, mate.

Then Dave with 6, Rob with 7,

Sara got 10 balloons!

Genuinely thrilled, thank you.

And Sara very much the architect of
that technique -

much like the Fosbury Flop,

she'll be known for years to come,
I'm sure,

as the Pascoe Balloon Poke.

Great. Here it is - let's find out
the final scores, then, please!

First of all, I'll let you know

that the series leadership has
changed hands -

that's Mr Rob Beckett now,
is in charge of the series.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Getting a little bit closer, Rob.
Incredible.

But who's won
this particular episode?

Well, it's the highest-scoring
episode so far, and the winner

was Paul Chowdry! No!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Can't believe it. Incredible.

Paul Chowdry is the winner of
all the battery-powered items.

Paul, please come up
and collect your jackpot.

Alex, Alex, Alex, well done you.
Well done you!

And well done me. So, what have
we learned today, then?

Well, we've learned that if

Al Murray ever offers to lend you
his tracksuit, think twice.

That might not be sweat.

We've also learnt that the winner of
today's show was...

Paul Chowdry!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks, everyone,
and farewell for now.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Subtitles by Ericsson