Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - The F.I.P. - full transcript

Al Murray gets out the gong again, as the celebs compete to crown the season's winner and win the coveted Taskmaster trophy.

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Hello, I'm Greg Davies and this
is Taskmaster.

Well, here we are, we've made it to
the end of the series.

It won't be long before one of our
task-trodden Titans

lifts high this stunningly
attractive head...

the Taskmaster Trophy.

ALL: Oooh!

But who will have amassed the
most points?

Only time will tell.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you
please give a very warm welcome

to our finalists... Mr Al Murray...

..Dave Gorman...



..Paul Chowdhry...

Rob Beckett...

and Sara Pascoe.

And right next to me, where he
belongs, is Mr Alex Horne.

Do you want to say something, Alex?
Really? Yes.

Last one of the series. Well, thank
you, thank you for keeping me on...

LAUGHTER

..for the whole series. And I
suppose I'd like to say...

invite you, really, to join me and
my family for a meal,

maybe at my house.

No, thanks. No? OK.

Would I be able to see my family?

No, they're fine. OK.

Right, prize task, then.



Are we going out on a high?
I hope so.

We've asked them to bring a photo

of their most handsome relative, OK?

So, whoever has the most handsome
relative, in your opinion,

will win the first major points of
the show,

and whoever wins the whole episode
will win five photos

of these guys' family.

As if they needed any
more motivation.

I mean, that is the shittest
prize yet.

Paul, whose photo have you brought
in and why is it the best?

I brought in a picture of my
dad's son.

My dad's son!

My sister's brother as well.

Yeah...

I mean, that's you, isn't it, Paul?

Well, it's not me, technically.

Well, you've moved on a bit.

Yeah, he could still be living in a
parallel universe.

That was when I had hopes
and dreams.

Are you happy that's a
relative, Greg?

I'm not, no. It's not a relative,
is it? It's him.

Sara, what relative did you bring?

I brought in one of my sisters.
Well, she's a half-sister.

My mum got Pebbles six months ago,
because she was lonely,

and I think she's very beautiful.

Yeah. Do you like cats?

Do you know, it's well documented
that I really don't like cats.
Uh-oh.

And clearly you're not
related to a cat, I hope.

No, not biological relation

but adopted siblings are still
your siblings.

Hmmm. Hmmm.

Yes. Are they, though?

Yeah.

Can you still appreciate the
aesthetic of a beautiful cat?

I could, technically, do that. Yeah.

But I'm going to put
myself out,

and I hope it doesn't come across as
offensive, but looking at Pebbles,

Pebbles looks like a bit of a
prick to me.

Al.

I brought in a picture of my
grandfather, Sir Ralph Murray,

when he was working at the
Foreign Office.

And he gives off this
old-world distinguished...

I know that man. You don't know
that man.

You stay out of this, mate.
He let our family into the country.

I mean, it could have been worse.
Everyone makes mistakes.

It's turned into a Ukip rally all of
a sudden.

I think he's a relatively handsome
chap, I'm sure he was delightful.

Thank you. Rob, what picture of a
handsome relative did you bring in?

Well, I couldn't really bring any of
my relatives' photos in

because most of them are mugshots.

So, what I've brought in is someone
who I think is my relative.

SARA: Who's that?

I was a bit fatter at school.

And people said you look
like James Earl Jones, and I said to
my mum,

"People say I look like
James Earl Jones."

She went, "Oh, that's your uncle."
What, she just lied?

I don't know, I think she thought it
was funny.

And it was! Darth Vader would have
been very different

voiced by you, though, Rob. Yeah!

"Luke!

"I'm your father!"

IMITATES ROB: "You're a member of
the Rebel Alliance and a traitor."

Dave, which handsome relative have
you brought in?

Well, I think the picture just
speaks for itself.

What?

That is Cary Grant. Yeah.

SARA: Why is his arm coming out of
the frame?

Famously one of the most handsome
men in Hollywood.

Undisputedly. And as related to you,
I imagine,

as Darth Vader is to Rob.

No, no. His cousin married

my great-grandmother's niece.

Seriously? You are related? We can
have a look at it here.

That is the
Gorman family tree.

The Fay
in the bottom
arrow is my mum.

So, Audrey above
that is my grandmother.

Winifred above that is
my great-grandmother.

Which makes Sally
her sister,

which makes Winifred
the aunt to Phyllis,

who is married Joseph Leach,

who was the cousin of Cary Grant.

SARA: And what you can't see, just
off the top, is Adam and Eve.

That's really great. Yeah, it is
true. We have checked that out.
It is true.

It is true.

The most handsome relative is
clearly Cary Grant.

OK. Mr Dave Gorman wins the task.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

The second most handsome is
Al's grandad.

The third most handsome, even though
he's clearly not related.

It's Rob with James Earl Jones.

And then I'm going to award joint
last-place to

the cat and the picture of himself.

Thanks very much. Thanks.

Let's get the next task under way.
Alex, what's the theme?

It's a bucket-themed task.
And it's really fun. Here we go.

Move the water from bucket A
to bucket B.

I saw this coming a mile away.

You must not move the buckets.

Most water moved wins.

You have ten minutes.
Your time starts...

Not quite this... What have I got?

A sieve? Is this bucket A?

Yes, it is, yeah. It's like a trick?

Oh, oh!

What's happening? Why is there a
hole in this bag?

It was a trick, wasn't it?

Why the fuck peas?

Pardon? What are the peas for?

Oh, I thought they might help move
the water. No!

So, you mean we've got move that
water down to that bucket?

Yes, please, Paul.

Oh, this is horrible.

It's just moving a bucket of
freezing cold water, isn't it?

I mean, there's actual bits of ice
in here.

You've had tremendously bad luck
with the weather all series,
haven't you?

Oh, that was the first thing we did,
at 9am, and it was -3 or something.

ALEX: It was -5.

And the weather for everybody else
was perfectly lovely. Lovely.

It was so cold!

And a wonderful collection of
rubbish to help you move the water.

Yeah, woolly hat, colander, bag of
peas and holes, a tray,

a string bag, Sellotape and
a coconut.

Right, loads of things that are
clearly useless for moving water.

These are intelligent people. They
won't try and use them, right?

Shall we start with Paul and Rob?
Let's. OK.

Coconut. What's the coconut for?

Whatever you want, Paul.

That's not going to work.

Is it not? No. Why not?

It's got holes in, innit?

Whoa, Sellotape.

It's not going to
work, is it?

Do you want that? Yes, please.

Thanks, Rob.

How much will stay in here?

You've got five minutes 20 left.

That's not going to work either,
is it?

Oh, it's so cold.
I just don't like going in it.

Ah! Ah! I...! Could you...?

HE LAUGHS

What's wrong, Rob?
I just farted because I was cold.

You farted because you were cold?
Yeah! I just lost all control.

Oh, fuck me!

How's your morale, Paul?

Who's she?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

This is as much as I'm going to get
in there.

Oh, there must be a tiny bucket
somewhere I can use.

I should have done that in the
beginning, innit?

I'll have that little cup.

How long have we got left?
60 seconds.

Two more? Last one.

That's your time up, Paul.

Are you saying that when you get
cold, you fart as standard?

That week, I had...

I'd got a two-week-old baby,

and I've had no sleep and I was just
all over the place.

And it was so cold. I was shitting
myself. I was dropping water.

I didn't know what was going on. So
you had a little fart?

I did a little... I just...
I was... It was so cold.

I tense up when I'm cold.

Do you tense up? I do.

Sorry, yes, I do, yeah. I always
tense up when I'm cold. Yeah.

You don't let a little fart
out when you tense up, do you?

I've never farted, thank you.

I actually believe that.

Paul came up with a reasonably good
method of...

There was a bag full of holes but he
managed to fold it over

so the holes were covered, and he
managed to get four centimetres

of water in his bucket. Quite
clever. So, he did all right?

He did. He only made two trips back
and forward, that was the... And
Rob, what about old fartyice pop?

I just made that up. The FIP
managed to...

The least threatening rapper of
all time.

Yo, yo, the motherfucking FIP. Brr!

Well, eventually he realised he did
not have to use the stuff there.

He could use anything. There was
litter lying around. He found a
little cup.

He did five trips and got 6.6
centimetres depth

so he is the current leader.

Ah. SARA: Yes, well done.

He's got, he's got an unfair
advantage, though...

Rob Bucket.

MUTED LAUGHTER

It's time for a break, I think.

Coming up in a moment, we'll find
out how Al, Dave and Sara

tackled our bucket challenge.

Welcome back to the final Taskmaster
of the series,

and tonight, to make it
extra special,

someone will go home with a picture
of Paul Chowdhry.

Alex, I want to say bucket.

Course you do, Greg, that's
your prerogative.

The current task involves shifting
water from one bucket to another

on an athletics track without moving
the bucket itself.

So far, Rob has complained about
the cold.

Next up, we've got Dave and Sara.

Ready?

DAVE: Right, what the hell have we
got here?

Sellotape, this hat.

I'm just going to wear the hat.

A coconut.

Seriously?

Ten minutes, you say.

Well, nine and a half, now.

Just a delicious snack, while
I'm thinking.

How is the water moving going?

There's no water been moved as yet.

Just an experiment at the moment.

No, it's not great.

I've seen this happen when people
steal petrol from cars.

OK, that tastes disgusting.

I mean, I've got an English degree.

No! There's so much stuff that's
useless here.

I'm not taking loads of journeys
with a tiny coconut.

I'm just going to move a little bit.

Alex? Yes?

Would you be able to bring that
bucket up that end for me

because it only said I couldn't
move it.

It didn't say that no-one could
move it.

PEEP!

Thank you, Dave. You're welcome.

You've got 20 seconds, Sara.
Come on. 20 seconds? Yeah.

I mean, I will say, I'm not going to
let anyone touch that bucket.

If someone has else just moved the
bucket, I'm going to be furious.

I thoroughly enjoyed Dave being very
measured about, "What can I use?

"That doesn't work. No, that
doesn't work.

"Ah, the hose.

"Yeah, seems like a logical way of
containing water.

"Good. It's full.

"I'm taking the colander, too!"

You all walked out of a pavilion,
which only took you about three

minutes to walk from it, full
of buckets.

You could have run back there.

You don't want to waste time looking
around a pavilion for a bucket when

you've got a coconut to
be going on with.

What they've cut out is how often I
told Alex I hated him.

Yeah, he told me,

in between fairly hysterical crying.

Can we have some scores please?

Sara, the best at opening a coconut,
and then did a few little trips with

the coconut in the end.
0.8 centimetres of water.

A little bit of water.

I'm so ashamed!

Dave did the most trips and
achieved, so far,

the highest score of 7.8
centimetres.

ROB: Wow.

Can we now have Al's VT, please?

Of course we can. Here we go.

I'm not allowed to move the bucket,
but you are.

No, I'm not, unfortunately.

Because I don't want to.

You don't want to?
No, it's too cold.

Hang on.

Oh, here we go.
SARA: Moneybags Murray.

I've got £115 on me.

That'll warm you up.

Come on. Come on.

Ohhh!

Don't run with it, you'll spill it.

Well, no, do run with it. We're
running out of time. Oh, my God!

Two and a half minutes.

Can I have £10 now please? Yes.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah!

Thanks, Al. You like the money,
don't you?

He likes the money.

Yes. I'm not... Put it next to the
other bucket.

I'm not going to go any further,
Al. OK.

For £20, can you lift the other
bucket up?

Can I have the money? Yeah.

Hold the bucket.

There we go.

Yes!

Look at that. That's fantastic.

What? Al "Moneybags" Murray.

This whole series has been like
watching how

Donald Trump would do things.

I mean, you have been throwing
money around. Exactly!

And it's gross the way he, like,
gives it away to you, like you're a
little mouse. It works!

DAVE: And also...

As disgusted as I was by watching

Al's display of wealth,

I am far more disgusted with someone
else in this room.

I wrote down a quote

from an earlier VT, and it is
as follows.

"Sara, just so you know,

"I will not be moving that bucket
for anyone".

It's almost like you just know
I'm poor.

How much did Al Murray give you to
break your own rule?

£80. But I'm sort of
work experience.

What have you done with that £80?

I bought...some rounds in the bar
and pretended it was my money.

Right.

Well, it's unacceptable. ROB: Why
don't you give us 20 quid each?

I think if the money is going to go
anywhere, I think it should go to
charity, don't you, Rob? No.

So, this is the way I see it. 60 of
the £80 will go to charity,

£20 will go to Rob Beckett...
Thank you.

..because he's obviously
got problems.

What charity would you like to give
the £60 to?

Children's? Or dolphins?

Dolphins. Right.

Good luck, dolphins. £60 coming
your way.

I'll pass judgment on the points in
a minute, but first,

there must be an extra penalty
for you.

Take one of your shoes and
socks off.

One of my... Really? Yeah. For the
rest of the...? Right foot.

The right foot. That's
the punishment?

Yeah. OK. I don't like it.

Good. This is the way I see it.

Al Murray wasn't to know that his
ingenious method was contradictory,

so I'm not going to penalise him.

Thank you. What I'm going to do is
I'm going to award Sara Pascoe an

extra point. Fair enough?

CROWD: Yes.

Thank you.

Do you want to see the buckets? See
what the buckets look like?

Yes. Yeah, let's have a look at the
amount of water in the buckets.

It's quite nice to see them, quite a
soothing image.

We've got Al Murray's there, over
11 centimetres.

There's Paul with the peas.

Rob Beckett's there.
6.6 centimetres.

Sara Pascoe's 0.8.

And then finally, we've got
Dave Gorman's.

Was that in your mouth?

I was swallowing it, and I was
bringing up bile from within me

because it was such poisonous...

Was he drinking tea? Are you saying
that's come out of your mouth?

Is that why it's that colour?

You saw, I was siphoning, I was
running hard,

I'm not in good shape and it was
making me feel quite nauseous.

You look nervous, Dave. You're not
in trouble, you know that?

No, no. He's cheated again!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dave, I'm going to ask you
a question.

I can't believe he's done it again!

This is the like pee thing!

Have you, again, cheated?

I can honestly say no to that
because I didn't cheat before.

Ho-ho-ho!

Have you cheated?

Might have done.

Well, we did film it.

Well, thanks, Dave. Yeah. If you
want to go and get warm.

You've seen what I'm capable of!

We didn't know until we looked at
the bucket and then we examined that

little camera. ROB: Really?

ALEX: Yeah. How much do you want me
to give to the dolphins?

I think, Dave, you're disqualified
from that round, I'm afraid.

Rules is rules. Nul points.

OK. How are the scores
looking, Alex?

Well, because Dave dropped out,
then, we have a clear winner.

In second place is Rob but in first
place, Al Murray, so far,

with nine points.

The overall series lead is
incredibly close at the moment.

I don't want to say what the scores
are, but there are three people just
a couple of points separating them.

Ooh. Yeah. I wonder
who they are, Paul.

On with the next one.
OK, the next one is a team task.

Ready? Here we go.

I'm not getting in that.

Wearing one of these hands on each
of your hands at all times...

Communicate to your team-mates
the names of these films,

books or TV programme.

You may not raise your voice.

Most correct answers wins.

You have ten minutes.

Your time starts when
the whistle's blown.

Charades. Where are my team-mates?

Team-mate. Is that Sara?
I've no idea who they are.

Is there someone with blue hands?

It's Rob. Can he see me?

Hey! Hello!
Hello! Who's that?

Who is it? I don't know.
Who are you?

I'm all right, how're you?

What's your name?

What's my name?
Why doesn't he know my name?

Gone quiet, hasn't she?

I mean, who did you think it was?

HIGH-PITCHED: Did you
think it was Al Murray?

I know, I couldn't...
It was quite far.

It was really far.
You were 500 foot across.

OK. Let's all have
a break for a moment.

All five will be playing
charades across a river

right after these adverts.
See you shortly.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

We're nearing the series
climax, but first, Alex,

can we please finish
off what we started?

Of course we can.
We're playing charades,

so the person guessing could shout.

The person doing the
demonstrating couldn't shout.

That's the rules.
I heard some people got very cross.

I got... I was furious.

Let's have a look at
Rob and Sara's VT.

THEY GIGGLE

WHISTLE BLOWS

OK.

Book! OK.

It's a film, as well, isn't it?
Ah, this is ridiculous.

How am I going to do a lion?

HE ROARS HALF-HEARTEDLY
How do you do a lion?

Terrible. I mean, I don't know
if he's just living his life,

or if he's trying to gesture to me.

Mad Max?

What?

I mean, his hands aren't
even moving very much.

Unless the book is called The Boring
Shrug, I don't know what this is.

Book! Yeah.

Uh...windows. What?
Oh, fuck off, plane!

PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD

How am I supposed to do
this with a fucking plane?

I can't hear what she's saying!

You've got to make it big!
Football? It's football, isn't it?

Up In The Air.

Gone With The wind. War And peace.
Sense And Sensibility.

The Beach! I can't hear you, mate.
I can't... I can't hear you, mate!

I'm just guessing, mate.

What did she say?
You're going to have to be louder.

1984!

Is she just guessing books?
Animal Farm!

EastEnders! Neighbours!
Strictly Come Dancing!

This is pointless, isn't it?

I'll go through them and
see if I've got that one.

Oh, shout 1984 again.

1984!
Yeah, got one.

He's doing a film.
Film! Yes.

Right.

Hello. Hey. Hey!

Not looking. What's she doing?

Hey! Oh, no,
don't apologise.

Oi, eyes on the prize!

You're a joke!
I think he's saying it's a joke.

I can't tell if he's
exasperated or miming.

Right, that's a song, isn't it?
Song! Yeah.

Right now. What's the
Single Ladies song?

# Oh, oh, oh... #
Walking On Sunshine.

# All the single ladies,
all the single ladies #

Moonwalk?

Walking On The Moon?

Walking On The Moon.

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... #

This is what he's doing.
Like that, and then doing that.

Yeah, that's it, yeah!

What's that song they did?

And then wave hello. Is it Beyonce?
Is it All The Single Ladies?

All The Single Ladies?!
Yes! YEAH!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, thank fuck for that.

All right, I mean Sara
definitely had a lovely time,

playing with the dog...
I met a little dog called Nelly.

..chatting. I saw.
You were having a lovely old time.

It was tough.
It was really tough for us.

Yeah. And you've got your
knickers in a right twist.

I couldn't hear what she was saying,

so it's hard to play charades
when you can't hear the guesses.

But did you call me stupid
and they've cut that out?

Oh, I think I was calling
you worse than that.

I mean, we've learned
something, though.

If anyone's got anger
management problems,

or you're going into any
threatening situation,

just ask the person to pop
some of those big gloves on.

It felt good being so angry
and looking so ridiculous.

Yeah. I was like, fuck's sake!

So I mean, what did
they get in the end?

Incredibly, Sara guessed, without
him doing them, War And Peace,

The Bible, 1984.

And a passer-by suggested
Batman, which was on the cards.

So seven out of 20, she got.
Wow. Not bad. That's not bad at all.

It's not bad, yeah.

And we are now going to see some
wise old men and Paul Chowdhry,

who is a young man. OK.
Here we go.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Do we stand on this?

It's a book! The.

"The" we've got. Yeah.

Jurassic Park? No, it's not
THE Jurassic Park, is it?

HE LAUGHS

Start again!

What's he doing now? Book.

I'm doing a thing where I'm not
allowed to raise my voice,

but you're not me. Yeah, yeah.

If you were to shout
across that river...

the words The Lion, The
Witch And The Wardrobe,

that would be very helpful.
Yeah.

The Lion, The Witch
And The Wardrobe!

The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe.

Mad Max! Mad Max.

Winnie the Pooh!
Winnie the Pooh.

Taskmaster!
Taskmaster. Taskmaster.

Good show. No-one's
heard of that. No.

Dave Gorman's Modern
Life Is Guinness.

Dave Gorman's...
SORRY, SAY AGAIN!

Cry Me A River.

The Bible. Die Hard.

They're out. They've run out.
We're done. OK.

You have five minutes

How handy that Ben Fogle...

And that was actually Ben Fogle.

Al Murray paid five
grand for him to turn up.

No.

He was doing a photo shoot on
the foreshore of the river,

just by coincidence. That's what
happens when your grandad's

the Foreign Secretary.
You can get anyone...

It is a lot easier.
In charades it is easier

when you can say the name. They
still didn't get one.

They genuinely didn't get Dave
Gorman's Modern Life Is Rubbish.

Yeah. What did you
just call it, sorry?

Modern Life Is Guinness!
Sorry, Dave Gordon!

Even when you're reading it,
you can't get it right.

But they did get 19 out of 20.
Good.

OK. That's unfair.
Why are they shaking hands,

like that was good gamesmanship?

You wouldn't have done the
same in that situation?

No, I like to play for fun.
Did they just win that one, then?

It didn't say that you
couldn't get Ben Fogle to shout

the words... How's
that affected the points?

I mean, unsurprisingly, Al, Dave and
Paul are now ahead of Rob and Sara.

The scoreboard looks like this.

OK, Alex, I would like one more task
to really complete the series.

Me, too, and here it is.

Ah, it's cool that, isn't it? Right.

Do something that looks
brilliant when sped up...

Or slowed down.

You have one hour.
Your time starts now.

Near a golf course,
could do a drive.

That looks quite good to slow down,
doesn't it?

Have a little think
about it, I reckon.

I've... Yeah, I've got
an idea, actually.

Quite a good idea, I think.

Mm.

Who are we seeing first? We're
going to start with Dave Gorman.

Ah.

Great. That would be a
really good Guinness advert.

It's available for Guinness if they
are prepared to pay the price.

Were those biscuit crumbs?
That was glitter. Oh. Sorry.

I was just thinking
how much I like them.

Well, so, pretty rock
and roll video, really.

Two famously rock and roll things
there - glitter and balloons.

Great, though.
Let's see some others.

OK. The bar is set.

We're going to see Sara's slow-mo,
or fast forward. We'll see.

ROBOTIC MUSIC

Rob just asked me if there
was someone in there.

I didn't know they did it
like Wallace and Gromit.

Just moving a little bit at a time.

That would have taken Sara
one month to make that.

Really, really impressive.

Technology's always, in films,

is depicted as something that's
destructive or frightening.

Why not have a nice dancing robot?

Yeah. Well, it was a
story of loneliness

and then companionship
and then boogying.

OK, it's time for Al Murray.

I mean...

This is all the funnier when you
know that Al is the only person -

well I'd ever met - who knows
someone who owns a gong shop.

This is the second time the
gong has appeared in Taskmaster.

He's gong mad. Yeah.

Gong. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got it.

Did you like it, the gong?
I thought it was wonderful.

So presumably your facial expression
was based on the wig coming off?

Yes.

What was the facial expression going
to be before it turned into...?

Oh, something, you
know, smouldering.

Oh, don't. That's...

Who's next? OK, oh, Paul.

Do you want to see
Paul Chowdhry? Do I?

THEY GIGGLE

It was really
thoughtful, really clever.

I'm the best at keepy-uppies.
I can keep it up for a long time.

You did boast a lot about
your football skills before.

It was the ninth take,
but you know...

The point is, you did
a genuinely good film

and I honestly thought it was going
to be horse shit, so well done.

I'm afraid we have to
stop now for a break.

When we return it's going to kick
off big because there's Rob's movie,

the final task of the series,
but most importantly,

we reveal the overall
champion of Taskmaster.

It's going to be powerful.

See you there.

Well, hello there. You join us
for the final part of Taskmaster.

Before long, one of our five
comedians will be awarded

this hallowed trophy and make
their families proud at last.

One of them will also go home
with a picture of a cat.

Exciting times ahead.
Alex. Let's get back to the action.

OK, then. We have seen four
films with the footage either

slowed down or sped up and
I like them all equally,

which is why I'm sat here.

The only one we haven't
seen yet is Rob Beckett's.

Oh.

SLOW-MOTION: COME ON!

HE CACKLES IN SLOW MOTION

I am intrigued by the narrative of
yours as to who this super villain

is who's coming after you,

because he's using three
very distinct weapons.

Yes. Peas, watermelon, flour.

Yeah, the story of that was I hit
the shit out of some fruit and veg.

You didn't have in your
mind you were a character

and there was an enemy
approaching? Yeah, that as well.

I'm going to make some
snap decisions on this.

It's so tough, I thought they
were all genuinely brilliant.

It's harder when they do
well, isn't it? OK, well, God.

Last-place? It's going to be Al.

Do you know why? Because he's used
his gong already and he didn't
mean his wig to fall off.

And I'm putting in joint next place,

I'm putting Dave and Paul,
and the joint winners, for me,

because I could imagine a
narrative, are Sara and Rob.

Bam. I've done it.

Alex, can you please
update us on the scores

and tell us how the race
for the trophy's doing?

The race for the trophy
is doing really well.

It's so tight. I'm not going
to say who's in the lead.

I know. It's brilliant.

For this particular episode there's
Dave on 13 points, but in the lead
is Al Murray with 16 points. Yes!

Just one more batch of points
to dish out, and don't forget,

this not only counts for this show

but also the overall scores across
the series. So, for one last time,

will you please head to the
stage for the final task.

Alex, what's in the box?

Deal Or No Deal's gone
down-market, hasn't it?

It's the final task and I
should say that Al, Dave and Rob,

close to being neck and neck.
OK. And what about me and Paul?

Close to being neck and neck
as well, but a different
part of the body.

Knee and knee.
Right, so in the box,

you've all got five
doughnuts on a stick, OK?

Who do you want to read the task?
Oh. Al, please.

Place one or more
doughnuts on your stick.

You have 100 seconds,

after which the person but
the lowest unique whole number

of doughnuts on their stick wins.

What? There's more. In the event
of there being no unique numbers,

the task shall be replayed
until there is a winner.

Do you want me to explain? Yeah.

So you're all going to put
doughnuts on your stick.

There are five at the moment.
Ah, yeah, yeah. You'll be
taking them or putting them on.

At the end of the 100 seconds,
you're going to lift up your box.

We'll see how many doughnuts
you've got on your stick.

Whoever's got the lowest unique
number of doughnuts wins.

For example, if you three put
two, Rob puts one, you put
three, Rob's won.

It's the lowest unique number.

I need to make sure you all
definitely understand, though.

Paul? I feel like a bit
of a doughnut up here.

Are you ready?

Good luck, everyone.
Put your doughnuts on the stick.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Off you go.

You're watching them?
Yeah, I'm watching them.

How're you getting on, Dave?
I'm not telling you.

Paul, how many doughnuts
are on your stick? Huh?

How many doughnuts
are on your stick?

I thought I'm not
allowed to tell anyone.

You can tell anyone anything.

You could be lying.
I've still got four on the stick.

No, you've haven't.

Sara, how many doughnuts
have you put on your stick?

It's none of your business.

You don't have to tell the truth.

I can't think of what to lie. 11.
I've got 11 doughnuts on a stick.

You finished, Rob?
Yeah, I don't...

Can't work out how to do it.

What you don't realise is Al's
paid a man to be strapped up

in the lighting.

There's only ten seconds left.

You've got five more
seconds to make a decision.

If you could all replace
the lids in three seconds.

BLOWS WHISTLE

And step away from
your boxes please.

So, Al Murray has
gone for one doughnut.

That's a big call.
SARA: Oh.

Dave Gorman.

One doughnut.

Oh. The two old men cancel
each other out at this stage.

It's exciting.
I wouldn't be so stupid.

Paul Chowdhry has put
one doughnut...

Rob Beckett has put two doughnuts!

Sara Pascoe...

..has put two doughnuts.

We go again. We go again.

Put your sticks back. This time
you have 20 seconds, this time.

Your 20 seconds starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

Sticking with one?
None of your business. Sort of is.

Not yet, it isn't.
No, quite right.

What, what are you doing?

I'm hiding the doughnuts.
OK, five seconds left.

Oh, gamesmanship from Al.

OK, two seconds left.

And shut your boxes, please.

OK. I don't know about you,
I'm genuinely excited.

Al Murray, this time, has
gone for one doughnut.

Dave Gorman's done one, as well.

If I didn't, you'd win.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Paul Chowdhry.
Can I predict Paul's?

Five doughnuts. Nearly.

Four doughnuts.

SARA: Five doughnuts!

I should have been able to count.
Paul will only win if there are all

ones or if two are both twos,
threes, or fours. Yeah.

We have two doughnuts.
We're going to have a winner.

We are going to have a winner.

It's official.
It's either Paul or Rob.

Sara can't win. That's all right.
I'm still having fun.

OK. It's either one or two.
But if she's put three doughnuts...

It would not be the
lowest unique number.

Yes. I now fully
understand the game.

Here we go. So if it's
a two, Paul wins.

If it is a one, Rob wins.
Sara's put...

Three doughnuts.

No! Oh, that is a shame.

You could have given
them to the audience.

I can still give them
to the audience.

No. Anyone want a doughnut?

OK, well done to Rob.

Can you please come down to
find out tonight's winner?

Doughnuts, Alex, what happened?
Very interesting tactics.

For me, it was Al and Dave not
budging from one, both of them.

Same minds. That's because
I knew he was doing one.

Oh, you had to block him? Yeah, I
knew he was doing one, as well.

Did you not think that someone else
might do one, and you could do two?

Well know, the first time I
knew that he'd done one,

I didn't know what he'd done
so I had to block him.

And the second time, when
I knew he'd done one,

I didn't know what he'd done
and I had to block him.

What was your tactic, Rob?
I just took three off

and just put the box shut.

Sometimes, that's all
it takes for victory.

OK, Alex, can you please tell
us the scores for today's show?

I can. That win has pushed
him up a lot of places.

Al Murray has 16 points, but in
the lead, and the winner, in fact,

is Mr Rob Beckett with 17 points.

Rob Beckett wins.

Five whole photographs
are all yours.

Rob, you are the
luckiest man in Britain.

Please go up there
and collect your prizes.

Well, that is
another series complete.

It is. Does it make
you feel complete, Greg?

It's sort of does.

Does it? Yeah.

But before we find out
our overall series winner,

what have we learned today?

Well, we've learned that if you
want to hear Rob Beckett fart,

put him in a fridge.

And today we learned that the winner
of this episode is Rob Beckett!

OK, the time has come, at last.

After five episodes,

countless tasks and some
bizarre and brilliant tactics,

we are about to reveal the overall
winner and present them with this,

the Taskmaster trophy.

Alex has added up
points across the series,

so I will now hand over to him
to tell us the ultimate scores.

OK, so...

Tight, it was tight. There would
just two points separating three men

at the end. Which means there
were five points available,

there is only one winner. And he
has won by six points overall.

It's Mr Rob Beckett!

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, the champion
of the third series of Taskmaster

is Mr Rob Beckett!

Congratulations, Rob Beckett!
Thank you.

Thank you so much, everyone.
Take care and goodnight.

Subtitles by Ericsson