Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 13, Episode 1 - The Noise That Blue Makes - full transcript

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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

BRASS BAND BUILDS
JUDI LAUGHS

No way!

Er...

Gosh! Where's the hole?

ARDAL GROANS
SOPHIE CRIES OUT

CHRIS TRUMPETS
Are you having a laugh?

GRUNTING

JUDI GASPS
CHRIS CRIES OUT
Ooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!



And welcome to another
enchanting new series of Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies
and I am still the Taskmaster,

and nothing you can say on Twitter

from your horrible little bedroom
will change that.
LAUGHTER

Five newly hatched competitors

are trembling off camera
as we speak.

Nervous little baby birds,
wondering if they've done enough

for me to reward them with
a dead mouse from my mighty beak.

LAUGHTER

Why would they put themselves
through this stress?

The chance to own my golden head?

Perhaps.

The truth is it doesn't matter

because they must all now continue,



due to a legally binding contract
they have signed.
LAUGHTER

Let us meet the five
who are legally obliged.

They are...

..Ardal O'Hanlon...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Bridget Christie...

..Chris Ramsey...

..Judi Love...

..and Sophie Duker!

And next to me, the freshly thawed
corpse of an ancient peat bog man.

LAUGHTER
It's... HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
Little Alex Horne!

RAPTUROUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
WHISTLING

LAUGHTER

Right, what's our first prize
category, please, Alex?

It is...

Ooohh!
AUDIENCE OOH

The thing that if
you found it in a skip,

you would be most excited by.
LAUGHTER

Five points will go to the thing
the taskmaster, Greg Davies,

thinks one would be most excited
about if you found it in a skip

and at the end, the winner
takes home all five things

and walk away with a
skip in their step. OK?

LAUGHTER
Ardal, welcome to the show.

Oh, thank you.
It's so good to be here.

What did excite you
when you found it in a skip?

Oh, erm, a trophy, of course.

Oh. Not a bad trophy. Oh.

No. That's cool. Yeah.

Does it speak of a
fierce ambition in you?

Well, we've all been there.

We've all, er, gone
into a trophy shop...

CHUCKLING
..and we've bought a trophy
and had it engraved and...

To please father and...Yes.
LAUGHTER

Were you a sporting elite
as a young man?

Not really.

Most of my trophies in my trophy
cabinet are ones I bought.

It's early days, Ardal.

I'm going to say
it's around two points.

Oh, fantastic. That's my
gut instinct at this stage.

Bridget, what have you brought in?

I, someone's last
will and testament?

JUDI:Wow. Wow.SOPHIE:Ooh!
LAUGHTER

She genuinely found this in a skip.
This is what it looks like.

AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHS
JUDI:Whoa...SOPHIE:My God.

Oh, man. About 300 years old.

Look at Ardal's little face.

Well... I think...
LAUGHTER

Your trophy's been
pissed on already.

There was one point over the years

because I found it years ago
where I thought,

"Am I going to have
loads of bad luck?"

You know?

LAUGHTER
Because you found the...

Because I've got it up in my hallway
and I don't know whose it is.

ARDAL: Did you try and
track the person down?

Oh, no.

No, I think it's fair to say
they're not around anymore.

Well, I mean, who are
the beneficiaries of the will?

Mary. His beloved wife, Mary, is...

You seem to know a lot about this.
BRIDGET: Oh.

Well, I've read it.
LAUGHTER

I'm very excited by your will.

OK. Christopher?

I have brought a '90s style
important businessmen briefcase.

AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHS
WHISTLING
That's exciting.

God, you're all more excited
than I could ever have dreamt.
LAUGHTER

Why are we excited by it?

Because my house was the first
house made on a new estate

and in the skip one day
we found a briefcase.

And it was locked.

And it took hours to get inside it.

What was inside it? BRIDGET: Yeah.
What was inside it?

I was about to say.

Oh, I'll say it as well.
What was inside it?
LAUGHTER

You'll find out at
the end of the show.Oh!
AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHS

Ooh, he's turned the
excitement up from nought!

Yep.

Judi, what have you brought in?

A Now '90s tape.

And, you know, it's got
all the classics on there.

You know the '90s music
was the best?

Yeah. Look at that. Look at that!

Take that. I mean, come on.

Shabba Ranks!

Mr Lover Lover!Yes...Mm-hmm!
LAUGHTER

Is Shabba Ranks on there
or were you just exclaiming that?

No, Shabba Ranks is on there.

I personally think that
they threw it out by accident.

You want to show the kids
how times were, you know,

when you wanted to turn it over
and you used to

put your finger in the tape
and wind it back?

These kids don't know
about that now.

Write down,
"Judi Love. Incredible bullshitter."

Oh, right. Good.
LAUGHTER

Sophie, can you beat
an old cassette tape? Hello.

I've brought a multipurpose...

..seating...device.

LAUGHTER

Wow. Look at that!

Very good.

Look at that. Wow.

When you're, like, a millennial,

you don't get your furniture
from shops.

You get it from skipping.

It may qualify as theft
within the Theft Act of 1968,

unless you've got permission
from the skip owner.

If something's on the street,
it's yours.

BRIDGET AND JUDI: Yeah. Not really.

Cos I leave my car on the street.
LAUGHTER

Just before the show,
Alex said to me... SOPHIE: Yeah?

"Sophie's brought a sofa in
that she's trying to get rid of."

LAUGHTER
That's how I understood it.

Yeah. JUDI: I would never
get rid of my Now 25.

LAUGHTER
It's Now 24.

Yeah, that's what I said.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm sorry, I wasn't excited
by Ardal's golf trophy.

One point.

I mean, the truth is my instinct
was to put the awful sofa in

at two points,
but I think that's because

Judi did such a good job
of bullshitting me about the tape.

All them classics!
LAUGHTER

Judi, can you name one more...
Duran Duran!

If you can name
one more track off it,

I'm gonna let you take it. Yes.

MC Hammer was on one of those,
Michael Jackson and...

B-b-buh! You've had your guess.

No MC Hammer on 24.

No, what I'm saying is...

I'm so sorry. Two points for Now 24.

LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE GROANS
APPLAUSE

Great news about your shit sofa.

You've got three
sweet points for it.

Yes!

I'm going to give Chris four points

because there's something
rather beautiful about that will.

Aw. So I'm giving Bridget
five points.

Bridget with five points. Very good.
APPLAUSE

ARDAL: Well done.

We're off!

What does the first
task involve, Alex?

Well, Greg, if they're successful,

it'll involve the
natural enemy of bread -

ducks!

ALEX WHISTLES
CHUCKLING

EERIE STRINGS PLAY
JAUNTY PIANO CHORDS PLAY

Hello.

Oh, hi, Judi.

Can I just say, on the door it says,
"No shoes in the lab."

However, you've got me wearing
these heavy duty boots.

Right.
CHUCKLING

Hi. Bridget.

Hi?

OK.

Erm, so I should, I should
probably look for the task.

Right. That's my first...task.

LAUGHTER

Oh, gosh.Oh, no.
CHUCKLING

So I'll just start over here.

There it is. You found it?

I found it straightaway. Good start.

It's promising.

Yeah!

Oh, God Almighty, give me strength.

LAUGHTER

Duck.

Well, this is fun, I love jumping.

Ooh! I found out the other day
I've got jumping veins.

Oh, that is good news.

It's probably easier
for tall people, isn't it?

Yeah, I realised I put it up
a bit too high, probably.

BRIDGET GRUNTS
CHUCKLING

Duck.

No duck.

LAUGHTER
BRIDGET GRUNTS
God!

What's it stuck on there with?!

BRIDGET GRUNTS
LAUGHTER
Oh!

LAUGHTER

Duck?

"Find all ten ducks.

"You must stay in the lab.

"Fastest wins.

"You have a maximum of 20 minutes.

"Your time started
when you entered the lab."

Yeah, two minutes gone.

You f...

LAUGHTER

Fastest...

What does it say?

"Your time started
when you entered the lab?!"

Yeah, you talked about veins
for quite a while.
LAUGHTER

"Your time started
when you entered the lab?"

You've found one duck so far.

Ducks as in quack quack ducks?

Erm, yes, please.

APPLAUSE

Chris, you said the word
"duck" an awful lot.

Duck, yeah.

He said "duck"
about eight times, didn't he?

Yes, but he has started well.
He's found the first duck.

There's only ten hidden
in quite a small room.

We've given them a
maximum of 20 minutes

because we thought it was
gonna be quite an easy task.
LAUGHTER

Let's have a look at
some duck stuff.

All right. The first person
we're gonna see is a man -

he's an Irish man,
he's Ardal O'HanMAN.

Here we go.
LAUGHTER

I imagine there's a duck in here.
SLOW CELLO PLUCKS

There's a box that says
"duck" on it.

OK.

No duck. Ah.

You tricked me.

I haven't found any ducks yet.

How much time have we spent?
Four minutes.

Four minutes and no ducks.
LAUGHTER

TAPPING

LAUGHTER

No ducks.

That a duck?

Do you think it's a duck?
LAUGHTER

Same general species.

OK.

Here, boy.
LAUGHTER

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

SUSPENSEFUL STRINGS PLAY

Well, then.

Another one of these.
LAUGHTER

So... All right,
these are the ducks?

I can see it, OK? They're not ducks.

Fucking hens.

LAUGHTER

SUSPENSEFUL BLUES MUSIC PLAYS

This is literally the best I can do.
LAUGHTER

There's not very many ducks in here.

Now, why would you have
asked me to wear heavy boots?

Be nice to find one duck.

It would be good.

AUDIENCE GASPS

AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHS
LAUGHTER

Ooh!

Found a duck!

Ha! Yes!

I can die happy. I found a duck.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How many minutes left, Alex?
Six minutes left.

Six minutes left.
How many ducks do I need to find?

Nine more.Nine more ducks. OK.
LAUGHTER

There wouldn't be one,
like, inside the hen, would there?

Where would a duck shelter in a hen?

LAUGHTER
You've got 20 seconds.

Oh!

QUACKING
That's a duck.

Oh.

WHISTLE BLOWS
You found two ducks.

Oh. I'll take that.

It was looking dodgy there
for a few minutes.

LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE

Up until the third chicken
you brought out,

I was under the impression that

you played a character
in Father Ted.

LAUGHTER

Well, I thought I did really well.

I mean, I thought I was
really good at looking. I just...

LAUGHTER
Yeah, I tell you what, you were
mesmerizing to watch looking.Yeah.

I find you a very
soothing presence to watch. Yeah.

I really enjoyed the task.

Like, I would have happily
stayed there for hours.

LAUGHTER
Yeah. Right.

It's the first advert break
of the series

and you know what that means.

Yes, it's time to Google
the cast's ages

and see if you were right.
I'll save you some time.

Chris Ramsey is 56.

See you in a bit!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back!

Where were we, Alex?

Before the break, the new cast

were tasked to find some
hidden ducks in the lab -

ten hidden ducks, to be precise -

and Ardal O'Hanlon kicked off the
new series by finding two of them.

It was a shame. Now it's the turn...

LAUGHTER
..of Sophie and Bridget.

There's a duck here.

What does it say?

No duck. Ah.

OK, that's not a duck.

Erm, can I pull the floor up?

Is that why I've got
these horrible boots on?

Do whatever you want, really.

SOPHIE GASPS
A duck! OK, a duck!

What does it look like?
It's, like, made of electrical...

..wire? Ah. Yeah, I think
you might need to turn that duck on.

How many ducks
have you found so far?

Stop talking to me.
LAUGHTER

One duck. Whey! OK, great.

What's that there? Is that a duck?

Remember what ducks are?

What did you say, pardon?

Do you remember what ducks are?

Are you proud of that?

Are you proud?
LAUGHTER

Hang on.

Is there something else
that is also called a duck?

Like a nail?

LAUGHTER

That's a duck.
Do you think it's a duck?

It might think it's a duck.

Hm.

Oh, you found a duck?

Do I have to kill the chicken?

What do you mean?

CHICKEN RATTLES

LAUGHTER

Ah!
SOPHIE GROANS

QUIETLY: Yes, OK.

Found another one?

QUACKING

OK, that's a duck. Yep.
Two ducks. Well done.

There might be some up there.

Can you give me a piggyback?

Yes.

Like, I did this a lot
at university. A lot?

Yeah. So...OK. Right.

So, like, up. Yeah, I, yes, Ma'am.

Ah! Sorry.
LAUGHTER

One...two...

..three! You're up.
LAUGHTER

Right. Now what? You all right?

Yes. There are some letters
up there, though - A, R, D.

Nard? Anard?

Canard!

That's a duck. Yes, correct.

Erm... Er...
LAUGHTER

You're sort of steering me
with your thighs.

Yeah.Hm.
LAUGHTER

Oh, that way, is it?

Now it's dark.

Yeah, we're just going to be here...

..and wait for a duck to appear.

LAUGHTER

They might put some in the boots.

BRIDGET INHALES DEEPLY
BRIDGET LAUGHS
No.

Nothing in there.
AUDIENCE AWS

It's a duck.

There's a torch.

Is that anything?

Where are you, little duckers?

LAUGHTER
What would it be?

You've got 50 seconds.

WHISPERING: Where are you?

There's a duck here. Where?

On the task.

There's a duck.

BRIDGET GASPS
WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Pretty sweet haul of ducks. Hm.

Pleased with that?

No. No?

Less than half the ducks.

I think it's a brilliant result.

Sorry, it was,
it was very, very good.

BRIDGET: I was pleased
with the writing one.

JUDI: I mean, that was...
That was hard.

SOPHIE: It was in French as well.
CHRIS: Really good. I know.

What did you do a lot
at university, Sophie?

You said, "I did this
a lot at university"

You were getting on
Alex's shoulders at the time.

Yeah, I... A lot of riding
men at parties.

LAUGHTER

If you're short, at a concert or
something, you've got to ride...

You're speaking to
the wrong person, I think.

Oh, yeah, OK.
But people must have ridden you.

LAUGHTER

Not for a while.
LAUGHTER

Four ducks each. Nice.

Who's next?

Now it's time for the
final two duck hunters.

It's the big JC.

It's Judi and Chris.

Here we go.

What are these?
Are these ducks or chickens?

What do you reckon, duck or chicken?

Oh, God. Judi?

Yeah?

Is this a box?

Yes.

How does it open?

Oh.

Well, there's not a duck
in there, is there?

No, I don't think so.

That's Richard Herring.

LAUGHTER
What colour is he?

LAUGHTER

Am I hot?

Oh, yes.
LAUGHTER

Take your shirt off.

Take your shirt off. Please.

Rub against the wall.
Search the wall.

LAUGHTER
Oh, come...

Feel the wall, feel the wall.

Where is the ducks?

Turn around.
WHOOPING

Goddamn it.

Is there any ducks in your shoes?
Ducks on the bottom of your shoes?

Why would there be ducks on my
shoes? I don't know, is there...

Ah! Two ducks!Two ducks.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One...

..two... That's, I'm ducking. Right.
LAUGHTER

Will you finish that cup of tea?

I feel like there's a duck in it.
Why am I paranoid about ducks?
LAUGHTER

Yes!

Yes! OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

JUDI LAUGHS

QUACKING
There's a torch.

Am I just going to have
to sweep the whole room?!

Duck! Duck!
APPLAUSE

Yes! Here's one.

Aha!
QUACKING

You've just found a duck.

Ooh!

Can you open this, please?

What's in it for me?

What's in it for you is I'm not
going to get pissed off.

Can you open this, please?

Right, OK.

Is this your tea?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
Honestly, like, where are you from?

West Sussex. No.

LAUGHTER

Is it inside the table?

SQUEAKING

Duck. OK. Found a duck.

CHRIS SQUEALS
Duck! Duck, duck, duck,

duck, duck, duck, duck, duck!

Two minutes. Ah!

Ah... Ooh!

Found one!

Oh, really?

Yep.

That's a stray duck.

That's a duck.

Yeah, that's a duck
we didn't know was there.

LAUGHTER
Can I lift the floor?

Duck!

Duck!

Yes! 30 seconds.

This is not a duck on my face?

No, I, hm...Is there
a duck on my face?
LAUGHTER

One more duck.

Oh, my God!

This is so frustrating!

Ah!
WHISTLE BLOWS

That was...

..horrible.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

JUDI: Brilliant! Well done.

Thank you.

BRIDGET: Both amazing.

How many ducks did they both get?

Well, Judi found a stray duck
that genuinely we'd put on the wall

years ago for another task...

LAUGHTER
..which is quite odd,
so she found...

Bonus duck?

Yeah. JUDI: Wow. She found six,

but didn't find five.

LAUGHTER
She also said, "Is there
a duck on my face" for ages.

Yeah. Yeah, because you just
kept on looking at me strange.

I wish we had a still of the
picture of you under that light.

Oh, my God!

Just so we can check if
there was a duck on your face.

Was there a duck on my face?!
Well, let's find out in a minute.

LAUGHTER

CHRIS:Brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant.
APPLAUSE

BRIDGET: That looks amazing.

No duck.

Chris altogether found seven ducks.

JUDI:Wow.Congratulations.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's very good.

JUDI: Wow.

Right, give me some scores.

Yes, all right, then.

Chris won the task with seven ducks.

Judi second with six.

Sophie and Bridget both
get three points with four ducks.

Ardal just the one point
after his two ducks.

So Chris Ramsey wins five points!

There it is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Scoreboard time?

Yes. Um, I'm...

That's nice.

I'm afraid that Ardal has
minimal points with two.

Chris is in the lead
with nine points at this stage.

GASPING
WHISTLING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here we go.

Let's have another task, please!

Of course.

And perhaps as a nod to how we
resolve our frequent little tiffs,

this one involves kissing
and make-up.

LAUGHTER

MEXICAN BAND PLAYS

Right.

I'm in business.

That's more like it.

Yeah.

Have you just eaten something?

I had some crisps.

That'll be it. Yep.

CHUCKLING

"Create the best picture
of the Taskmaster,

using only lipstick on your lips.

"ON your lips?!"

"You have ten minutes
and your picture must fill

most of the canvas.

"And your picture must
fill most of the canvas."

Are you having a laugh?

LAUGHTER
Your time starts now.

Er, the Taskmaster.

He is... He's...

..pretty peaky at the best
of times, isn't he?

Can I...

I'm gonna go get
a picture of him, innit.

Can't remember what
he looks like from memory.

Got a picture of him.

That looks nothing like him.

Has he got blue eyes?

I think they're blue.
Are they green?

It doesn't matter, does it?

Is that good?
Is that a good thing to do?

I think so, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Are you using your lips
as a palette?

Yeah. Good.

Your eyes go very big
when you put it on.

That's, do you not
know about lipstick?

No.
LAUGHTER

SOPHIE CHUCKLES
LAUGHTER

SOPHIE MOANS

LAUGHTER
Mm-mwah!

LAUGHTER

PAPER SQUEAKS

Oh. Are you blowing out?

No. No, that's just the noise
the blue makes.

LAUGHTER

Christ alive.

Um...

Ooh!

The lipstick is on your lips,
is it still?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah?

LAUGHTER

You're quite aggressive with it.

There's no other lips I can use?

No, no. No, no.

LAUGHTER

SOPHIE MOANS

MUFFLED: Mm, it looks lovely.

Pardon? MUFFLED: It looks lovely.

Oh, God.

This is what he looks like

when he goes home,
when he's on his own.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Hello! I'm Greg.

I think I have some, er,
crisps for me to eat.

Eh?
LAUGHTER

I think I'm happy with that.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh.

LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE

Enjoy that, Sophie?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I liked it. Something else
you used to do at university?

I was trying to be precise.

You really got into it.

JUDI: Loving up, you done...

The thing that annoyed me the
most about this task was

I was embarrassed at how
out of breath I was at the end.

All I'd done was like that.

Woodpeckers must be hard as fuck.

LAUGHTER

Right. Well, I look forward
to seeing these creations

right after these car adverts.

CHRIS:Oh, good.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Welcome back to the second
half of the show.

Can I see lots of pictures
of me, please, Little Alex Horne?

Yes. You're vain,
but I don't blame you at all.

Beautiful.

Let's see Bridget's lipstick pic.

Here it is.

Ooh! JUDI:That is good.
LAUGHTER

SOPHIE: Wow.
She's certainly captured my breasts.

LAUGHTER

Well, she said it's a bra
and a little dress,

and you're saying,
"Where's my crisps?

"I hate my job."

LAUGHTER
I feel the same.

I tried to get the essence of you.

I've eaten a lot of crisps.

Yeah. I've got big, I got big tits?

LAUGHTER

Good start. Who's next?

Next, it's Judi's picture.

LAUGHTER

Even you can't justify this.

Let me tell you something.

I drawed you, see, on your throne

like the King that you are.

She did use the whole canvas more
than the other contestants.

This is what I'm saying.
Oh, so we should reward that?

Yes. You could. You could.

What, for drawing a little
Lego figure inside a clown head?

LAUGHTER

CHRIS: That's the least
calm he's been!

You've ignited a fire in Ardal.

If that's what my painting does,
then that is true art.

There you go. CHRIS: Oh, my word!

That is...

..phenomenal bullshit.

JUDI LAUGHS

This is Chris' picture.

AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHS

Come on.

I'll put it side by side with
the picture he was using.

It's good. He used a good one.
SOPHIE: Wow.

APPLAUSE
Aw.

I was not expecting this.

Here are Ardal's lips in action.

Aw, this'll do. He did that.

LAUGHTER
Yeah.

BRIDGET: That's really good.
Now, earlier, Ardal,

you mentioned the word clown.

LAUGHTER

One of Britain's great clowns.

Yes.

The most important thing, the
stuff that, you know, is the aura,

which is not, like, painted,
it's just implied.

OK.

And what do you sense of my aura?

Specialness, um...

LAUGHTER
SOPHIE:What do you mean, special?

Blimey. I wasn't
expecting good stuff.

Right, well... I hope
Sophie can drag things down.

She created this.

LAUGHTER

Ah. She used the portrait
behind her as her starting point.

I feel like it's like a sort
of Dorian Gray-type picture.

So, like, that's the macabre,
hideous version of you.

And then here...
LAUGHTER

And then here
there's the beautiful man.

Yeah. It doesn't look unlike
my grandmother, so...

LAUGHTER

I feel sad if...

LAUGHTER
Good. Good.

I mean, I think it's brilliant,

but it doesn't bear any
resemblance to you, so...

It should all be about the accuracy.

Yeah. So I should forget the
stuff you said about essence?

No, but I mean, essence is real.
I mean...

LAUGHTER

Let's have a look at them
all together before I get

any more mind games.
Here we have five Gregs.

Chris, without the actual painting
next to yours. Yeah...

You know. Nah.

Bridget, yours looks like a haunted
sex doll.

SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER

Why is that a bad thing?

Right then, Greg, we need
some points. All right.

One point to Judi. OK. For throwing
lipstick against a canvas.

Between Ardal and Sophie for this.

What?

You're genuinely shocked.

Let's give them three points each.

So it's three points to Ardal
and Sophie. Correct.

Four to...? Four to...

..the very cross sex doll that
Bridget created and obviously,

Chris Ramsey, the only artist in the
room, takes the five.

Let's have another one. Next up is
this...

SPAGHETTI WESTERN TYPE THEME PLAYS

DOOR CREAKS

WHISTLING

Oh.

SHOWDOWN MUSIC

Ready?

I don't know.

Phoar!

Yeah?

"Devise a duel
and have the duel with Alex."

That's you. Line.

"You have 20 minutes to devise your
duel and have the duel with Alex."

"Most exhilarating duel wins."

"Your time starts now."

Do you think you're going to win
the duel? Yeah, probably.

I mean, I usually win duels.

LAUGHTER

Have you had a duel before?

No, I've never duelled anyone.

I didn't think I was going
to have to duel you.

Are you good at throwing?
Yeah.

No, I don't want that, then.

What are you crap at? DIY.

Gut instinct tells me that Sophie's
going to be the best at this purely

because her, "I've never duelled
anyone.

I didn't think I was going
to have to duel you."

It sounded like an actual Clint
Eastwood line.

I'm sorely tempted to just
crack on. Let's do it.

Let's see 'em.

Well, first of all, we have "Arduel"
and "Dueldi". Ardal and Judi.

Here we go.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

So, Alex, I'm going for a fairly
traditional duel,

so to start with...

..I'm going to get the...

Do you want a hand?
Yeah, please. Thank you.

OK, then.

I challenge you to a duel.

I accept your challenge.

OK, cool.

For this exhilarating duel,
you're going to have these

roller-skates on.

Oh, yeah. I'd say the roller-skates
are size five to eight.

And you are size? Size ten.

We've all done that.

Especially if the shoes are hot.

Do you want to choose your weapon?

Got bananas or oranges?

Ah! Bananas, please.

OK, I want you to wear an eye patch.

I'll be fine. Thank you.

You've got one ball.

You have to hit me in the knee
five times.

You can't hit anywhere else
on my body.

And where are you going
to be hitting me? Free for all.

You're going to hit me anywhere?

Yeah. OK.

OK, so just go back to back
five paces.

Yep.

One.

SPAGHETTI WESTERN THEME PLAYS

I'm...I'm ready.

Once sec, just fixing my hair.

LAUGHTER

Marks.

Get set.
SHE SLURPS

Go.

Oh! You can't hit my face.

One. All right. Fire!

Oh, yes!

Oh, you better go and get your
ball, babe.

Oh!

Nice.

Get in. Can I give up?

Yeah. Yeah.

Pretty exhilarating, eh?

I enjoyed the duel.

I want my weapons back, though.

That's my lunch.

APPLAUSE

Exhilarating. Exhilarating.

I enjoyed the formality
of the glove slap.

Yes. Albeit with rubber gloves.
Sure.

Then, I mean, basically,
we're looking at two grown men

throwing fruit at each other.

Hundreds of years of tradition

were clearly there with a slightly
contemporary, fruity twist.

Lovely. Yeah. But I liked that

it followed a traditional
structure of a duel. OK.

I'll note that down. Which brings us
on to Judi.

Hmm. Now, my observation is that
you have an incredible knack

of normalising bad behaviour.

In that moment, I felt inspired
by you.

Oh, here we go.

And I had to, you know, go full
force with what was best

for me. For me.

And then you shot him multiple
times.

That's what you're supposed to do.
Whilst guzzling a cocktail, it
seems.

That was for energy purposes.

See what I mean?
I almost think it was fair.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Shameless.

Right? Who is next, please?

Two more now, it's time for Bridget
and Chris.

DRAMATIC FANFARE

Rules are simple-ish.

You've got to be on all fours.

You have to throw as many balls as
you can into the other
player's basket.

OK.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

SQUEAKING

I've got stuck.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Ah! He's going to come to close.

No! Oh, my God.

Oh! Oh!

HE GROANS

Yeah!

ROARING

Aaaah!

This is it. This is it. This is not
over.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, no. Yah.

SHOUTING

12, 13, 14.

11, 12. No!

12.

Yes!

You just got basketballed.

I got basketballed.
APPLAUSE

It may have been the white vests
that made me think you were going

to kiss at some point.

There's a lot of heavy panting.

Now, was it a duel,

that's the question? Yeah!

There's two men going at it.

So a game of table tennis is now
a duel, all of a sudden. Or,

like a game of turtle ball or
whatever they were playing, I mean.

Sorry, was there not enough
groceries involved for you?

Bridget, I feasted my eyes
on your opening look,

it was startling. Thank you.

I was exhilarated briefly.

Then, when the duel got going,

maybe the exhilaration dropped
off a bit.

Well, there were obviously no horses
or donkeys that I could get.

And who hasn't craved to see
a donkey duel? Right.

Three quarters of the first episode
has passed us by already,

but it's not over yet.

Soon someone will take home
an old will and a Now 24 cassette.

We've still got it!
APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back to the final
part of the show, where there

have been several duels taking
place. Yes, I haven't done very well

in them so far and my feet
still hurt, but there's

one duel left. Will it be the most
exhilarating one?

It's me again versus Sophie Duker.

Hi, Sophie. Hi.

Grab a weapon. These are mine?
Those are yours.

Advance.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Ah.

I see.

You know why I did that?

Because the pen is mightier
than the sword, Alex.

And the tongue is mightier
than the pen.

All right. I'm not going to hit you
with a sword or tongue. Or a tongue?

Or a tongue. I'm going to fight you
with words.

There's a lot of ducks.

Yeah, the ducks are our fans.

Are they?

It's duel time, baby.

OK.

RAPS: OK, little Alex Horne

I'm going to defeat
you with brains, not brawn.

I'm going to make you wish
you'd never been born,

and leave
you feeling so forlorn.

RAPS: OK, little Sophie Duker.

This is going to go nuclear.

How many verses do we have to do?

Will one do or do you want two?

OK, I think we need two.

I think that's the minimum
that we have to do.

I think we need to do two
verses, at least.

Otherwise, our raps will seem
creased and not that good.

My name is little Alex.

I'm wearing a cape.

There's only so much of
this that you can take.

I don't use cigarettes.

I like to vape, so you better read
that word on that tape.

Caution, you're trying to caution
me? Well, little Alex Horne

you're going to see.

This rap is going to
act like a diuretic,

because right now
you're being pretty pathetic.

That's not very nice.

I feel quite bad about this.
Yeah.

I don't like threatening you.

You, look, you're smiling
a lot. Right.

Instead of doing this, we could
just go on a bender if you choose

this duel to surrender.

I'd like to surrender and not
do the duel any more

because I can't think of any
more rhymes.

Bender? Bender.

APPLAUSE
Great.

8 Mile is no longer
the definitive rap chronicle.

I think we both, we came to a place
where we realised that violence

was not the answer.

It's a modern duel.

She set it up as a duel
and she brought it bang up to date.

I suppose she did. Yeah.

I've never felt older.

I'm sure we can all agree.

A duel has got to be fair.

Well, anyone who forces
your horrible little feet

into roller-skates that are too
small...

..they're going to take home one
point. Oh. One point for Judi Love.

Oh! OK, one to Judi. Ardal.

It was a beautiful, traditionally
set up duel, but it was not

in any way exciting. Two points.

OK. Bridget, three points. Right.

It was visually exciting.

Full stop, end of critique.

Now, this is tough, but the truth is
I felt that Sophie's, I don't know,

it was just bringing duel
bang up to date.

All right, there you go.
Four points to Chris.

Five points. Well done, Sophie
Duker.

Let's have a quick look
at the scores, shall we?

We've got Ardal still at the foot
of the table with seven,

and the outright leader is
still Chris with 18! Whoa!

OK, everyone, please make your way
to the stage for the final task

of the show!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello. You sweet young prince.

Oh, hi.

Who's going to read the task for us?

Sophia Duker is going to read
the task out. Good luck, Sophie.

Thank you. Good luck with reading.

"Count to 13 as a group, each player
taking

"it in turns to say a number. Every
time you say an odd number,

"you must also squat."

Thanks.

"Every time you say
an even number,

"you must also jump.

"If you make a mistake, you are out.

"If you reach 13 or someone
is eliminated, other rules

"will be introduced.

"If the taskmaster thinks
you have hesitated for too long,

"you will be eliminated."

If you can make it reasonably
obvious what you're doing and try

not to squat into your jump,
that can happen.

Well, good luck, everyone.

Ardal, please start the counting.

OK, erm, one.

Ardal, that's lovely.
If you could do it whilst counting,
that would be great.

I think it's your turn now, Bridget.

So is it... So... Just a number
really. So quicker? Yes. Two.

Yeah, but no, do it while...
Yeah, I did.

But you were... Two. Right.

Lovely.

Three. Four.

Five. Six.

Seven. Eight.

Nine.

Ten. 11.

12. 13.

Lovely stuff, OK. Well, everyone
made it through the round.

APPLAUSE

OK, so we are still having the same
rules, it's still squat on odds

and jump on evens, but now you must
salute multiples of three,

and if you wouldn't mind pronouncing
multiples of four completely wrong.

Oh!

Four, eight? Well, yes, yes.

12.

You wouldn't say eight, that
would be pronouncing it correctly.

No, I'll say "hango". Yeah, yeah.

OK, so, Bridget, please kick us off.

One.

Two. Three.

Fa-fa-four.

Five.

What? Hesitation!

APPLAUSE
Oh, my God!

I'm fine.

So the rules are now squat on odds,
of course, jump on even, salute

on threes, mispronounce multiples
of fours and then all the numbers

must be French.

OK!

GROANING
All the numbers must be French.

You're going
to have to mispronounce

quatre, for example.

Off we go, Chris.

Un.

Deux.

Trois!

Aquatre.

MAKES ODD NOISE

WHISTLE BLOWS

I'm afraid...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It wasn't the French.

It wasn't French. It was the lack of
the salute.

Out she goes.

OK, so now you must spin around
when saying any numbers

that contain the letter T.
Oh, I'm so glad I'm out.

And again, that's in French.

God, I'm stressed and
I'm nothing to do with it.

OK. One of the worst days of me
life. Yeah, so far.

It's Sophie.

Unnnnnnn.

Deux. Trois.

HE WHISTLES

I'm afraid there was an
unnecessary spin from Ardal.

So another rule, of course.

Oh.

So it's squat on odds, we know that.

It's jump on evens. We know that.
Salute on threes.

Mispronounce multiples of four.

All the numbers in French, spin
around if they contain the letter T

in French and then pretend
to be sick after saying any number

containing a single letter E!

OK, ready. Chris.

Off we go.
Un. Deux.

SHE RETCHES

Lovely.

Trois.

Quaaaaaa....

..aaa...

..aaa...

I'm trying to remember the rules.

Have you finished?

..aaatre.
APPLAUSE

PEEP!
I'm afraid you weren't sick
at the end.

Aw! It's a shame.

SHOUTING AND APPLAUSE
I was sick!

I think she was meant to be sick
after the number.

Aw, so it's over. Oh, no.

Shame.

Why don't you come back down here

and we'll see how that's affected
the final score.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

More high octane stuff to finish.

Yes, it definitely made
counting more fun, didn't it?

Didn't it?

Ardal and Judi share last
or fourth place.

Sophie nearly got it, but in the end
he amassed a huge 23 points

and the winner of the first episode,

Chris Ramsey.

APPLAUSE

Chris Ramsey wins.

Please skip up to collect
your skip purse prizes.

CHEERING

We hope that you'll join us next
week to find out if Judi Love

can continue to use her gift
of the gab to secure

herself last place.

It's bye for now, but also
it's well done to the first winner

of this series - Chris Ramsey!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media