Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 12, Episode 10 - Episode #12.10 - full transcript

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This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

Is this a joke?

Yeah! Grr.

Mm. Ooh. Ah!

Oh!

Oh, I like that!

Wow. Ooh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody.

Hello, and welcome to another
prestigious grand final.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



What a series it's been.

We've seen each of our contestants
at times soar

like the mighty eagle of the plains,

and we've also seen them be rubbish.

But what will you all be talking
about when the dust has settled?

Will it be Victoria's repeated
submission of Greedy Esquire?

Perhaps Morgana taking
any opportunity

to shove ice into her clothes.

Maybe it'll be Guz's film
masterpiece, Oo-arr Blood.

LAUGHTER

Or Alan's guff-stiffened bathrobe.

It could be any of those fascinating
insights into the human condition.

It'll probably be that time that
Desiree ate sand though!

So, for the last time,
here they are.



Please welcome Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Desiree Burch.

Guz Khan.

Morgana Robinson.

And Victoria Coren Mitchell.

And next to me, a man who once
told me

I always put my botty on the potty,

in case my front water
becomes smelly back cake.

LAUGHTER

It's little Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Whoo!

You all right? Yeah, I'm good.

I thought I'd use this platform,
the final,

to reveal a part of my body
I've never revealed before.

I'm a bit nervous about. Oh,
you've never revealed it to anyone?

Well, I've revealed it to
my closest family members. OK.

My wife, my father, my cousin.

The big three!

Mum never gets a look in, does she?

She never makes the top three.

No, well, not when it's this item.

My tail.

It's a real tail? Yeah.

You going to show it to us?
I'm going to show it to you. Now?

No, no. I want you to imagine it
a bit.

I've imagined it.
What did it look like?

Like a horrible, disgusting,
curly pig's tail.

GREG SNUFFLES

His tail's all off to one side.

Well, I'm not going to show you
till the end of the show if
you're going to be like that.

Oh, OK. What is the final
prize task, tail boy?

You've asked them to bring in the
most magnificent floppy thing. Wow.

The most magnificent floppy thing
will get a well-deserved five
points,

and the winner of the episode will
get a quintet of magnificent

floppy things to keep forever.

Big old floppy thing.

Guz Khan. Yes.

I know you're going to bring
the flop.

I wanted this final prize task
to be poignant.

To be something that saves lives.

My magnificent floppy thing,
it's a blood pressure monitor.

Now let me explain, if I can.
Please.

If anyone can talk this up
the rankings, it's you.

Thank you, thank you.

For this fairly cheap invention,
yeah?

There was aunties and uncles
up and down this country

who were there like, "Oh, I have
a strange feeling in my chest."

Pah, dead, finished.

And because of this now,

they are able to monitor
and find the silent killer.

That's what they call it
in the medical world, don't they?
Yeah, it's true.

Find the silent killer before it
strikes

and takes them out of the game.

He sold it well.
Oh, my God, he sold it well.

Have you ever worked in sales?
Yeah, I have. I have.

LAUGHTER You are one silver-tongued devil.

Right, let's crash right back down
to Earth.

Victoria.

Now. Now.

When I think about what
I have to show you now, I feel sad.

LAUGHTER

Because it reminds me of a time,
before this series started,

when we had to come up with
our prizes,

we'd bring things for you, Greg.

A man who I thought loved, above
all, jokes, comedy, laughter...

I do. ..happiness.

And it is with that in mind
that I offer you this.

Battlefield Earth on DVD.

You see the joke
I'm going there for, Greg?

Yeah, yeah, it was a flop, yeah?
It was a flop.

And as I reflect on that
innocent time

when I thought you would be
pleased... Yeah.

..that someone had come up with
a carefully-crafted pun.

This is called doubling down,
isn't it?

I want to weep.

I don't mind it's a play on words,
Victoria, it's nice.

Yeah. But, I mean, come on.

When the inevitable cardiac arrest
strikes me and the door opens,

I'm going to be praying it's Guz
and not you.

Better or worse than
a heart monitor, Morgana?

It's Claudia Winkleman's fringe.

The Floppy Fringe of Winkleman.

Do you understand how much money
that fringe has made?
That mannequin...

That mannequin does look like
Claudia Winkleman.

She's normally more tanned than
that. Is that her actual fringe?
Yeah.

No, that is when I played her,
it's in my wig box.

Right. Don't penalise me
for that one.

I'm not going to walk into her house
and chop it off when she's asleep.

Exciting at the bottom, isn't it?

Alan. Well, it's a model of me.

It was made for a television
programme about 20 years ago. Oh.

In which my character's wife uses
a model of me as a voodoo doll

and sticks pins in,

and the props department, uh,
allowed me to keep it.

And it has, uh, concealed about its
person, quite a floppy surprise.

Here is the floppy Alan Davies.
Yeah.

And...surprise!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

The body and the legs and the head
are all obviously reduced

but the penis is actual size.

But what's fascinating about this is
that

the penis does not feature
in the programme at all.

So it's a needless addition just for
a jape.

I can't stop looking at it.

I mean, you're right. I actually
can't take my eyes off it.

It's sort of making my mouth water.

Love...
LAUGHTER

Oh, Alex.

You're a naughty otter.

That is out of character.

That's what I thought,
but there it is.

It's in danger of scoring higher
than life-saving machinery.

Desiree, good luck.

Yeah, I know. Now, look, that was
the first thing that came to mind

when I thought about
a magnificent floppy thing,

but I thought that I'd try to push
myself a little further.

And the only thing that kept coming
to mind was an air dancer.

So I brought an air dancer.

Oh, my gosh. Right?

ALAN: My cock can do that,
by the way!

Does it have arms?

Ooh, man.

I don't know how this reflects
on me, the way I'm scoring this.

I don't think it reflects on me
well. Here we go.

What do you want me to do, Victoria?

It's my least favourite. Give her
one point.

My second least favourite is a
pretend Claudia Winkleman's fringe.

OK. So now it's three, four, and
five.

And now, I've got to decide between
Alan Davies's penis

and a life-saving piece of
equipment.

Life creating piece of equipment.

Yeah.

I guess I want it put on record that
I equate living

with Alan Davies's penis.

Four points for both men.

The most visually-exciting
is Desiree.

I'm going to give Desiree
five points.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm thirsty for a task, Alex.

Well, let me quench that thirst with
a lovely little drinking task.

Lab, baby. Hi, Alex.

Good morning, Guz. How are you?
Tiptop.

Should I just help myself?

OK.

Drink all...

You guys are so stupid.

OK. Drink all this drink
with your mouth open.

ALAN: Your mouth must be visibly
open throughout.

What is it?

No idea.

The fastest wins.

Your time starts and your mouth must
open when Alex blows the whistle.

There we are.

Yet again, Desiree baffled we've
asked her to do something silly.

SHE LAUGHS

I think that every time you opened
a task,

you were hoping that it would be
calculate your taxes

and pay by January the 31st.

OK, we begin with
Morg... Alan Rabies.

Mor... Morg... Morgana and Alan
Davies.

WHISTLE BLOWS

SHE GARGLES

Oh, I can't see you. Yeah.

It's not going down, Alan.

Open, please.
Open, open, please, Alan.

HE COUGHS

It's not fair for you to say
funny things.

It's shut again, Alan.

If I use a straw...

Always open, please, Alan.

If I use a straw... Uh-huh.

..does that count?

Cos my mouth,
it won't be fully closed, will it?

SHE COUGHS

Nearly finished.

Hmm, is that open? Mm.

It's quite shut, Alan. Nah-uh.

SHE SNORTS

LAUGHTER

HE SLURPS

I'll stop the clock.

I'll stop the clock.

That's a strange way to drink.

Uh, well, I would choke less.

There's something about
if you put it in this way...

..your epiglottis wants to close.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, it was some great epiglottis
work!

You sort of looked like
a paralysed heron for a lot of it.

Corr!

GREG GAGS

You don't see them choking
very often.

You don't see them holding the back
of their heads very often.

To stop their head going back
further?

Well, I thought you looked
graceful...next to Alan,

who looked throughout, to me,
like a 12-year-old boy,

especially when he worked out
his straw technique.

Which I will allow, by the way,
his mouth's clearly open.

Well, the liquid can't go through
if it's closed.

That's what I thought.

I think it's perfectly reasonable.

The mouth isn't shut
if the mouth has something in it.

Play on. Sure.

A drop more now in the form of
Guz and Victoria.

Are you ready? Oh, I mean...

Yeah, go on, go on.
WHISTLE BLOWS

I can't do it.

This can't be done.

I mean, can I even use a straw?

That is cold! Pardon?

That is cold.
HE BURPS

It's gone? It's cold, man. It's
gone? It's cold. It's gone?

No, cold. Co...

HE COUGHS

LAUGHTER

I'm trying to do it.

No.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

SHE EXCLAIMS

HE GARGLES

HE GARGLES

Have you finished, Guz? Thank you,
guys. What were you trying to say?

It's really cold. Cold?

Yeah, it made my heart murmur.

I don't know if the funnel
helps, really.

No, it's too disgusting.
It's too disgusting!

Are you saying you just had
a heart attack? A little...

Not a major one,
you know what I mean?

My eyes didn't go blurry,
but I felt like a...

MAKES PULSING SOUND

I'm drinking it.

Ooh, that was great.
I've stopped the clock. Lovely.

Is it fair to say that
that task marks the end

of your career as a ventriloquist?

What was the tube technique
all about?

Were you hoping to funnel it
directly into your stomach,

bypassing your mouth? I thought it
would force me to keep my mouth open

because you involuntarily close it.

I should point out, Greg, that due
to an admin error,

all the drinks were at room
temperature except for one person,

whose was very nearly freezing cold.

And it was admin error as opposed to
a mischievous little game?

It was so cold. I was struggling to
breathe a little bit,

and while I was struggling
to breathe thinking,

I need an ambulance here, he's like,
keep your mouth open, Guz.

Guz, your mouth must be open, Guz.

I was going to dash that
fucking Ribena at his head.

It's just in the rules.
Well, it was very entertaining.

OK, we must now rest,
recharge, and return.

Alex says there's a rash he wants me
to look at - and it's on Alan.

ALEX GASPS
See you after the break.

Hello, welcome back to part two
of our massive final.

Before the break, our contestants
had a bit of a drinking problem.

Yes, they couldn't close
their mouths.

That was the rule of the task.
We've seen four of them let loose

on the juice so far. Now finally,
with one for the road, it's Desiree.

Good luck.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

SHE GULPS

I'll stop the clock.

SHE LAUGHS

Yes!

Incredible. Wow. Ahh!

I don't know what the hell's
going on.

I read that task and I was like,
y'all don't know me.

But I acted like I was like...
I basically walked into a room,

slammed some sugar, and was like,
where's the task? Like,

that was great.
That was so enjoyable.

I don't mind telling you,
it's left me a little unsettled.

And that must've affected things.

You know, really,
she was the fourth slow...

No, no, she was the fastest.
Seven seconds.

So, it's undoubtedly five points
to Desiree.

Beneath that, despite the cold,

Guz did it in one minute five
seconds, Alan two minutes

eight seconds, Morgana exactly three
minutes, and Victoria

eight minutes and a half. It was
not! Eight and a half minutes?

I'm afraid so. I was going to do
great things. You know?

When I was a child, you know, full
of promise. And I could read early.

And yet, this is the person
we're celebrating.

Please may I see the first
scoreboard of the final,

please, Alex, thank you?

Yes, of course.
The series scores are incredible.

Victoria, you're on 110.

However, the other four,

there's only five points
separating them all.

Alan's on 149, Desiree on 150,
Guz on 153,

Morgana just one point ahead on 154.

Ooh! Whoa. Oh, my God.

And in this particular episode,

Desiree has maximum points,
so she's in the lead with ten.

Next! It's the last team task, Greg,
and it's all very confusing.

Hello.

Ooh, hi, Alan.

In here?

There's a thing.

Using your whole body
to make individual characters.

Describe the Taskmaster.

Your description must be
a minimum of 20 characters long.

Most vivid description wins.
You have ten minutes.

Your time starts when
the whistle blows.

Do you mean characters as in like
A, B, C, or D?

OK. Like spell it out?

Yes, but it also opens up

the world of punctuation.
And emojis.

Punctuation and emo...?

Before I blow the whistle, Alan.
Yeah?

Would you mind putting
the ear defenders on?

Very tight.

Hello, Desiree.
Hello, there, Alex.

Please go in there.

Oh, hello, Alan.

Work out what your team-mate's
task is.

SHE LAUGHS

You must stay in the caravan

and not communicate with
your team-mates in any way.

After ten minutes,

you must write down what you think
their tasks were.

Best guesser wins.

Your time starts when
the whistle blows.

In the meantime, would you mind
popping on those ear defenders?

Absolutely. Thank you.

Hello, Guz.
All right, mate, how are you?

I'm good. Can you go up
there, please?

Lick a chocolate button.

Stick it on your forehead
then transfer

the chocolate button
to your mouth without touching it

with your hands or leaving
the chair.

It says your time starts when
the whistle is blown.

OK. Good luck, everyone.

WHISTLE Ah-ha.

A few different things
going on, Greg.

So, Guz had a different task
from everybody else.

Yes. In a way, we didn't need Guz.

LAUGHTER

Did you have a nice time?
Did you enjoy your task?

I did, actually. Yeah? Yeah.

You'll find out.
OK, sorry. I'll speed up.

Right then, we're going to see
the team of three first.

That's right, it's the loud people.

LAUGHTER

Two.

Three.

Ooh!

WHISTLE

HE BURPS

Thank you, Morgana. Thanks, Guz.

So what do you think Guz's task was?

OK, well, his was easy.

He had to blink those chocolate dots
that were stuck on his forehead off

into his mouth and then eat them.

And what do you think
Morgana's task was?

She was obviously spelling things
out with her body.

Some kind of a phrase.
There was like an H,

and a T, and an X, for sure,
something maybe about a galaxy?

Um, the story is,

in a galaxy far, far away,
everyone has tiny penises.

OK.

Oh, my God.

Guz, presumably you just had
a lovely old time doing that.

Yeah, bit of like indigestion. Yeah.

A lot. I think I did about
36 buttons in the end.

Your task was just get one
from your forehead to your mouth.

Was it? But you ploughed through 36.
Yeah.

No points involved,
but lovely, delicious buttons.

Now, I wrote down what
I think she was spelling out.

Mm-hm.

And that I got a grumpy fat man
who enjoys fights,

kicking people, and soiling himself
in front of a snake.

Interesting. Yeah, I mean, you knew
what the task was, I suppose.

Yeah. So but that is closer
than Desiree's.

The thing is, she started with the
letters and did pretty well.

For example,
this was one of her words.

Yes. Look at that! Yes, yes.

What she actually did was tall
and grumpy. You got grumpy.

And flirty and a little sexy.
That's where the little...

And a tiny bit sexy.
Only a tiny bit. A tiny bit sexy?

Yeah, I was actually being
very flattering

and hoping that would get me
a few more marks. Tick. Well,

you would be getting loads
of marks if it wasn't

for Desiree fucking it up.

Oh, no.
The adverts are here again. Hide!

Hello, welcome back to
the Taskmaster final.

Alex, I'd like you to summarise
what's just happened

in the highest possible voice
you can. Of course.

HIGH VOICE: We're in the
middle of a little...

Of course, we're in the middle
of a team task, everyone.

The first group have had a go.

Now it's Victoria's turn
to work out what Alan's task is,

and Alan's task is to use
his body to shape characters

to describe Greg.

Most favourite description wins.
Let's see them go!

VICTORIA LAUGHS

What's he doing?!

What...?

What is that?!
What is that shape?

Oh, got it. Got it.

That's very good.

Is that part of it?

This one I absolutely don't get.

Honestly, in MY head, it's crystal.

Uh...

Ooh, God!

SHE GIGGLES

What are you doing?

I can't do this one. What are
you...? It's too hard.

SHE LAUGHS

It just feels like Bruce Forsyth!

Alan, you may return to the house.
Thanks.

I enjoyed that. Victoria,
what do you think Alan's task was?

I think Alan was trying
to embody the letters that spell

the well-known phrase
Caring Uncle Minpict.

Caring Uncle...?

Caring Uncle Minpict.

HE MOUTHS

APPLAUSE

There was a part halfway through
that task where you went,
"Got it. Got it."

Well, that was getting that he was
being a letter. Ah.

It wasn't when you realised that he
was using

the classic well-known
phrase "caring uncle minpict"?

It that was effectively me saying
he's describing the Taskmaster

because I think of Greg
as Caring Uncle Minpict.

A lot of people do. Yes.

Shall I show you what Alan did?
And you can see if you can work out

what he was trying
to say? It's actually five words.

Grand? No. It is grand.
Grand. Grand...

Father? Grandfather?
It's not grandfather.

Flo, flo, flo, flock?

Yes. Flo is right.

Florid. Florid.
Ooh, I like florid!

Grand, florid. Florid... Pi?
Not pig.

Pi? Not pig or grandfather.

Grand florid something tall man.

What is this third word, though?
Pig is close.

Big? Big. Yes. Grand, florid, big,
tall man. Correct!

Aww! Grand, florid, big, tall,
caring uncle minpict!

LAUGHTER

I sort of feel like

this should be maybe one point
separating the teams.

OK, but which one gets that point?

Well, obviously, uh, Alan and Caring
Uncle Minpict were better.

Right. So, uh, let's give them both
five points...

OK. ..and give the other team four
points each.

Victoria and Alan get five points!

CHEERING

I propose ONE FINAL TASK!

And that is a great proposal.

Hello.

Can I pull this off?
I don't know. No, never mind.

Let's leave it on after breaking
shit in your house all
the time. Came off anyway.

It's like a chuppah.
Pardon?

You don't know what that is,
do you?

I think it's something to do
with the Jewish faith.

Yes, it's a place you might
have a wedding.

Interesting.
Yeah.

I'm assuming that's not the task.

Yes!
Oh. It is a chuppah!

Propose to Alex in
the most irresistible way.

You have 30 minutes.
Your time starts now.

Have you proposed
to anyone before, Alan?

Only my wife.

So, you know,
I'm one for one, as they say.

Have you proposed
to anyone before, Victoria?

Of course I haven't!
What are you suggesting?

I think, when I proposed to her,

it was the only time ever in my life
that I've had snuff.

And if I hadn't had the snuff,
I might not have done it.

I don't know. What do you like?

This would've required years
of getting to know you. Um...

I've got a Wikipedia entry.

It's likely that you're
going to be inhaling something.

Lovely.

What I take from that is that
Victoria's very serious about

the sanctity of
a marriage proposal,

and that when Alan proposed
to his wife,

he was off his face on snuff.

Let's see how they get on.

OK, well, here is Desiree

asking me, Alex Horne,
for my hand in marriage.

Alex, my darling. Come to me.
This is wonderful.

Isn't it just?

I know we've only known each other
for a brief time,

but I've developed some strong
feelings I felt like I needed to
share with you.

This is a song that
I've created, original composition.

♪ Furry little Alex Horne

♪ I've fancied you
since you were born

♪ If you got mad and killed a guy

♪ I would be your alibi

♪ Won't you marry me, Alex?

♪ Cos I do... Wait.

♪ Cos I don't have a gag reflex! ♪

So, Alex Horne, will you make me
the happiest weirdo?

Will you do me the great honour

of spending the rest of our lives
together?

Will you marry me?

Desiree?
Alex.

I'm going to go and think about it.
Thank you. Of course.

I'm going to keep this until
I've made my decision. Absolutely.

You suck on that
and think about things.

APPLAUSE

Ah. I could watch that again.

I mean, there's a couple of things I
should probably just speed by.

The fact that you fancied Alex since
he was born. That's early.

Yeah. We should probably leave that.

I enjoyed the remote control car.
Yes, me too.

And I enjoyed the aggression
of your final statement,

"Think about it and suck on that."

It's a strong and unsettling start.

OK. Well, next, I'm going to be
proposed to by Guz Khan.

Oh, wow. Yes.

So what I'd like to say to you, my
brother, is I've been on this
show with you.

I don't think people
look out for your welfare.

They don't look out
for how you're feeling.

It's a long ass day.
It is a long ass day.

Yeah. So I've prepared something
for you. Get in bed, go on.

In bed?
Yeah, get in bed. Go on.

You did that for me?
Yeah, lean back, take your feet off.

Look.

How's that feel,
man? Comfy, ain't it?

It's lovely. Yeah. Look, there's a
skull there with a rose in it.

Look, Alex,
this task was to propose to you

in the most irresistible way.

And there's two versions
of irresistible.

One of those is red roses
and fairy lights.

But there's another version.
The victory version.

Which is "irresistible"
meaning something so convincing

that somebody can't say no.

DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

Will you marry me?

APPLAUSE

ALEX SNIFFS

Strong smell o...what is that?

Tomato sauce because it's supposed
to represent blood, from The
Godfather. Oh, I see, yeah.

Someone told me you liked the movie.
Well, I like Jaws.

He likes Jaws, not...!

I'm going to think about it.
Yeah? Irresistible!

Wow... Wow.

Can I say, Greg, I genuinely didn't
know there was anything under

the blanket? About the horse's head?
I genuinely didn't know.

That was all... All of these, I
don't know what's going to happen.

I just love what anyone who hasn't
watched The Godfather trilogy,

what they'll be thinking of that
intimate and horrific proposal.

Want to see another? Yeah.

It's Alan now with
a very Alan marriage proposal.

Hi, Alex. Alan.

Um, would you mind just,

uh, inhaling some of
the...persuasive elixir?

Huh?!

That's it.
And just breathe in?

Yeah, breathe in.

Keep breathing in.

It's definitely going to help.

Now you can uncover.

Ho, ho, ho. Ah.

Uh, this is, uh, d-dowry,
of course.

Was that there before, the cow?

Would you like this trained?

If you're amenable...

Oh, there's more, is there?
..I have a prenuptial agreement.

Do you now? Thank you.

Do you accept the proposal, or...?

I'll sign the 'nup. OK.

And... I will think about it.

OK, that's all I can ask,
I suppose, at this stage.

Thank you.

Jesus Christ.

What was Alex inhaling
to soften him for marriage?

Vicks VapoRub.

That helped clear your head
while Alan got into character.

LAUGHTER

And then we all know, if there's
one thing that will guarantee

a yes to a marriage proposal,
it's a surprise cow.

Right, we're stopping again.

Only one part left this series when
our champion will be crowned.

Excited, Alex?

I see you've got another wee patch
for me. See you soon!

APPLAUSE

Oh, hello.

Welcome to the final showdown.

Nearly ten hours of
adrenalin-fuelled television

have built up to this moment.

But somehow, instead of a huge
elaborate showpiece,

a battle to end all battles,

our almighty gladiators are wasting
their time proposing to Alex.

Yes, I admit I am a little bit
embarrassed about it now.

But at the time,
I thought it was quite "big-a-my".

Next up,

I'm going to be proposed to
by Victoria Coren Mitchell.

I'm too committedly married already,

and I never proposed
to my own husband,

so to propose to someone else's
husband, it would be all wrong.

However, here's my proposal.

The opportunity is there
to have a wedding

that, to you, doesn't count
as a wedding.

Sorry, are you proposing
to me right now?

We've got a whole house
at our disposal, a caravan.

Wedding and honeymoon right here.

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

Feels like you're proposing
right now.

If I were, what would you say?

Would you mind taking
one more surname?

I think you'd have to take
my surname.

But only the Coren.
I think to take my husband's surname

would be disrespectful,
to be honest.

I'm becoming Alex Coren?
I think so.

I can't believe you
need to think about it!

I've proposed to someone
for the first time in my life,

you're not even accepting
immediately. Can I have half an
hour?

All right. OK. Thanks, Victoria...
Thank you.

..Coren... Mitchell...

..Horne.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, I have to say,
gut instinct tells me

Victoria doesn't want you
to marry her.

It was the only instant proposal.

I genuinely worried about it,
though. Yes.

I know it's ridiculous.

I'm so happily married,
I'm so besotted with my husband,

I genuinely worried about
proposing to another man,

even as a joke.

I thought maybe that's not nice.
It's ridiculous.

It's pretty damn sweet,
if you ask me. Yeah.

And it just shows the lack
of regard

that the other people here have
for their partners.

Nah, don't say that!

No, I love you.

Relax, bro.
This is a game show.

Very sweet, Victoria. Mm.
You get sweet points.

And what do they translate
to on this show? Ah.

Not many points.

Let's play on.

Last of all, really last of all,
it's Morgana Robinson.

Yeah. Hello. Come on. Yes.

"Put the sailor outfit on
and follow the music."

LAUGHTER

DISTANT MUSIC

♪ La, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪

Shut up!

Lobsters are red. Pardon?

Ocea... I said, lobsters are red,

oceans are blue,

I won't give you crabs

if you let me marry you.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪

What sort of crabs?
Itchy ones.

♪ La, la,
la, la, la, la, la. ♪

Um... Morgana? Yeah?

I really appreciate everything
you've done,

and I will think about it.

Thank you.

♪ La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la. ♪

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a spectacular proposal. Mm.

Of course, the correct answer
to a proposal like that

from an obviously psychotic
mermaid...

..is no.

Also, never trust someone who tells
you straight away

that they haven't got crabs.

"# La, la, la, la. #"

That's going to be stuck in my head
for the rest of my life.

Well, all right.

I could barely separate some
of these. Right.

Victoria's was a pretty
damn weak proposal,

but it was a fairly sweet response.

I'm going to give Victoria
an unbelievable

three points.

Fair enough. Three points to
Victoria. That's very nice of you.

APPLAUSE

Um, I could not separate
a menthol snorting proposal

and an announcement of
a weak gag reflex.

I'm giving both of those
four points.

OK, four to Alan,
four to Desiree. Lovely.

And when you've got productions
on this scale,

then both people,
for very different reasons,

have got to take a sweet five
with them.

Five points to Guz and Morgana.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Shall we look at
the scores one more time?

Yes, we shall.
The series is still in the balance

as we go into the final task,
and so is this episode.

Guz is on 17 in second,

and Desiree has 18 points in first!

Oh, snap!

All right, everyone.
Please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the series!

APPLAUSE

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Oh!

LAUGHTER

It's the final.
Show some decorum.

Go on.

Morgana Robinson's going to
read the task. Read on.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

One at a time,

make a noise without
the Taskmaster identifying you.

The person who makes the most
unidentified noises wins.

What's going to happen is

the Taskmaster will not be
looking at you.

I will give you a type of noise
you have to make.

You have to make the noise
for at least two seconds.

Greg will guess who he thinks
was making the noise.

There are three rounds.

The person who is identified
the least wins.

OK. Revolve me.

Bit too far, Greg.

Too far the other way now.

Again, too far again.
Oh, imagine him parking.

LAUGHTER

OK, so the first noise you're
going to make is birdsong,

and the first person to
the front is this person.

So they're now going to make
their way to the front.

We need two seconds of noise

and Greg will guess who made
the noise.

Here comes the noise.

SHE CHIRPS

Greg, who was making
that beautiful noise?

Morgana.

The next person to come to
the front is this person.

They're making their way
to the front now.

Here comes the noise.

HE HOOTS

LAUGHTER

I think it was Alan.

They're now returning to their spot.

OK, the next person to make
a noise is this person.

Here comes the noise.

HE COOS AND CHIRPS

Hmm...

I think it was Alan again.

Oh, God, was it?

No, I think I made a mistake
first time.

I'm going to say Alan
for that second one.

OK. Next person to the front
is this person, please.

Here comes the noise.

SHE CHEEPS

Victoria.

And there is, of course,
just one person left.

Here comes the noise.

SHE CHIRPS

Desiree.

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

That's the end of round one, Greg.

I can tell you that you got
one Alan correct

and one Desiree correct.

It's time for round two,
and round two is, of course,

two seconds of beatboxing.

SHE WHISPERS: What is that...?
What is beatboxing?

You don't want to give away
your hand too much.

I think what you're probably hoping
is that you don't go first.

What I'm hoping is that you do.

LAUGHTER

The first person to beatbox is...

They're making their way
to the front.

Here comes the noise.

VERY QUIETLY: Puh. Puh. Puh.

Shh. Puh.

It's either someone who doesn't know
what beatboxing is, Victoria...

Right. ..or it's someone pretending
they don't know what it is.

That level of cunning,
I'm going to attribute to Morgana.

The next person to demonstrate
their beatboxing skills... Yeah.

Here comes the noise.

Pff, chh. Pff, chh. Pff, chh.

Pff, pff, chh.

Desiree.

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

OK, there are three left to beatbox.

The next person is this person.

Here comes the noise.

Prrp, chh. Prrp, chh.
Prrp, chh. Prrp, chh.

Alan.

It's this person now.

Sha-bay-be-do boop, boop, boo.

Guz.

And there is one left.

I think we on the stage know
who it is.

They're making their way to
the front.

LAUGHTER

SHE BLOWS RHYTHMICALLY

And there was the noise.
Victoria.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I can tell you, Greg,
that you got Alan right...

Just Alan?

..and Desiree and Guz and Morgana
and Victoria.

I got everyone right?

OK, so the very last round in
the series.

The category is big, scary monster.

The first person to make the noise
of a big, scary monster...

..is that person.

Here comes the noise.

Oh.

LAUGHTER Oh, indeed.

Victoria.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

I just think Victoria thought,
"He won't be expecting this of me."

Big, clompy steps.

Wrong!

The next person is this person.

Here comes the noise.

SHE RETCHES

No disrespect.

Desiree.

LAUGHTER

Oh, no!

I don't think it was.

I think it was actually Morgana, but
my first answer was my first answer.

Next up, this person.

Here comes the noise.

SHE HISSES

Alan Davies.

LAUGHTER, SHE MOUTHS

Just two left, Greg.

The penultimate person is
this person.

They're at the front
and here comes the noise.

HE COOS
- SCREECHED:
- Wow!

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

GREG LAUGHS

I don't know!

I don't know who the
Wow Monster is.

I think that might've been Desiree.

SHE MOUTHS
OK, you've guessed Desiree

for a second time.

One left, of course. Yeah.

Here comes the final noise.

HE PURRS, MOANS IN PLEASURE

GREG LAUGHS

I think that was Morgana.

SHE MOUTHS
You may return to your spot.

And before we go any further,
I want to say,

the only one I care about
getting right was Victoria.

Well, Greg, the only one you got
right... Aw, what?!

..was Victoria.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

You may now turn
and face your contestants again.

Oh, my God.

I think I just thought
everyone was Desiree.

THEY LAUGH

Well, I know what you think of me
now, thanks a lot!

Well, I had so much fun.

Come down here, we'll add it the
final scores of the final show!

And so...

Wonderful game of noises
and listening we had.

You got all the beatboxers.
I really did.

But only one of the big, scary
monsters. Old clumpy shoes.

It meant so much to you.

I'm miles behind, you couldn't just
go, "Oh, that sounds like Guz."

No.

It would've choked you.

Victoria, Desiree,
and Alan you got right twice.

Guz and Morgana, just the once.

So it's three points to the
people in joint third,

five points to Guz and Morgana!

APPLAUSE OK.

Which means, in the episode...
Yeah.

..the winner by one point,

from Desiree, is Guz Khan.

Guz Khan!

Guz Khan wins.

Please go and flap about with your
magnificent floppy things.

GUZ: Woo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoa, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, yes...

DESIREE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's the end, my friends.

And, genuinely, I'm quite sad.

I'm sad because I really feel like
the cast were finally

getting into their stride.

But it's been a pleasure
scoring their efforts,

and from my powerful decisions,
I've created a new champion.

So now, all that's left to do is to
hand over to little Alex Horne

to close the lid on the series and
reveal the final scores.

Alex, do your thing.

OK. Well, I thought
they were all terrific.

Uh, some of them
m-much more terrific

than the others at getting points.

In fifth place, with 121 of them,
it's Victoria Coren Mitchell!

APPLAUSE Aww!

Just 40 points above her, in fourth,

with 161 points

is Desiree Burch.
APPLAUSE

And on the same number of points,
Alan Davies! Oh!

Also with 161 points.

In second place,
six points above them,

with 167 points,

it's Guz Khan.
MORGANA SQUEALS

APPLAUSE

Which means, with 168 points...

Our new Taskmaster champion is
Morgana Robinson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FANFARE PLAYS

LAUGHTER

THEME TUNE PLAYS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media