Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 13, Episode 2 - Birdy Hand Finger - full transcript

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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

No way!

Er...

Gosh! Where's the hole?

ARDAL GROANS
SOPHIE CRIES OUT

CHRIS TRUMPETS
Are you having a laugh?

GRUNTING

JUDI GASPS
CHRIS CRIES OUT
Ooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome
to another edition of Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies, I'm middle-aged



but the pheromones I emit still
compel sailor-filled ships

to dash themselves onto the rocks.

Watch them work their magic

as five sensible, and in some cases,
intelligent comedians

get angry about rubber ducks.

All for the chance to take home
a trophy that is yet

to make its £3 reserve on eBay.

Feast your eyes on their hopeful
little faces.

They are...

..Ardal O'Hanlon...

APPLAUSE

..Bridget Christie...

APPLAUSE

..Chris Ramsey... APPLAUSE



..Judi Love... APPLAUSE

..and Sophie Duker.

APPLAUSE

And now for a man who once confided
in me that his first French kiss

was with his second cousin, Jacob,

now a legal underwriter on
the Isle of Man.

It's little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE

All right, sweet cheeks?

Well, I'm just feeling quite pleased
with myself today.

Mm-hm. I've done my, uh,
chores for the year,

I've finished my letter to Santa.

"Dear Santa, this year I want
spaghetti, press-up equipment floor,

"uh, a million earrings
and infinity wishes,

"cos that way...

"Thank you, Alex."

LAUGHTER
And off we go.

Let's hear about today's
Prize Task category please, Alex.

Here you go.
They had to bring in today

the object that you would most like
to show to an alien.

Five points will be given
to the owner of the object

Greg thinks is the best one to show
to an alien

and all five objects
will go home with the person

who has the most points
at the end of the episode.

Whether they will ever get
to show them to an alien,

I'm afraid I just don't know
at this stage, Greg.

All scripted. Yeah. Incredible.

Bridget Christie.

Oh, me first? Yeah, why not?

Ooh. Well, I thought that I would
show an alien the film ET.

He'd get... I'd get all cosy,

get some treats in and then say,

"This is what we think you're like."

And then we could watch the film
and I'd go,

"Do you do that?"
And they'd go, "Oh, you know,

"none of us have done anything
like that really."

Do you think aliens would like that
representation of them?

I think they would be going, "Who
the hell is this guy?" You know.

What, ET?

He needs to be sacked.
Yeah. This is rubbish.

He needs to be sacked
from the aliens. Yeah.

Sophie, can you beat ET?

The answer is yes, by the way.
Yeah. Yes.

I think the thing about the aliens
is that they're a threat

so I would show them
a historical artefact.

A portrait of me and my housemates

but in the style of
a Dutch militia company.

Well, I, I, I feel like I've had
a stroke at this stage.

THEY LAUGH

So you'd show it to the aliens.

I'd show it because
they want to know about the timeline

but this would confuse their
understanding of the timeline.

Enabling you to...

Travel through time.

I dunno...
I dunno what's going on here.

He'll be like, "Let's go,
how are you here?

"Why aren't you in the Netherlands?"

I think they'd spend ages
analysing this. Yeah.

I think they'd spend most of their
time just...just colouring it in.

Judi. Yes. This should be fun.

What do you think's
the best thing to show an alien?

I would show an alien a ruby cubey.

That's what I call it, OK.

Yeah, cool.

I'm showing him this because these
aliens always going on like,

you know, they're so smart,
they're smarter than us,

I would be like, "Fix that, innit.

"Do that in ten seconds
and then I know you're real."

What if they had...
if you had a competition...

Yeah. ..and they asked you
to do it really quickly.

I would say, "I am Queen Zufufu

"and I do not take part in these
things because..."

And your Queen Zufufu is powerful.

It's something I made up,
I made up in my head. No way.

I thought you really were
Queen Zufufu.

ARDAL: You're not Queen Zufufu?
Oh, no. No. No.

So if I've got this right,

you would present the alien
with a Rubik's Cube

and announce yourself Queen Zufufu. Yes.

And expect them to be your servants?

Yes.

OK. Thank you.

Yeah. Good, good answer.

Chris.

It's me robot lawnmower.

Yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful.

I mean, separately,
away from this question,

that's a lovely bit of kit.

Thank you.

The reason is cos I feel like aliens
would either be well impressed

or they'd improve it somehow,
which'd be win-win for me.

I...I am struggling to see
how it would excite

the alien life force because of
their advanced technology, Chris.

Well, we don't know,
it's all hypothet... I mean, Al...
I'm looking at you, Alex.

You didn't even like the bit at
the beginning. Saw an alien,

we don't know anything about
these aliens...
Ooh, he's gone too Geordie for me.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Right, let's see if Ardal can beat
robotic lawnmower.

OK, the best thing, uh, to show an
alien would be a mirror.

Ooh. Like as in Frankincense?

Uh, no, a mirr-or.

Mirrurr.

Oh, you think it would be a mirror?

A hand-held mirror...

..because it's the thing, like,
we made the leap

towards self-awareness
when we invented the mirror

and if I held the mirror over
my face like this... Hmm.

..and met the alien,
so the alien would have to have

a good look at themselves,
possibly for the first time ever,

and I think if they had
a good look at themselves,

saw all the heads
and the slithery bits and the drool

and the slime, I mean,
I think, you know,

they might become quite
self-conscious and...and retreat.

Now... OK.

I want you all to take note
from what Ardal's done there.

He's brought something
totally shit in...

LAUGHTER

..but what he's done is

he's constructed quite a
clever argument

that means I can give him
more points than all of you.

So, is it points time?
It feels like it might be.

I'm going to give Ardal
five points... Right, well.

..straight away, I'll tell you that.

APPLAUSE

Good work. Good work.

There's got to be a gulf between
Ardal and the others.

Of course there has.

Right, I'm going to give all
of the others two points each.

GASPS

Wow. Wow. Well, well done,
Ardal O'Hanlon gets five points.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's go.
The competition proper.

Yes. We're in. Yes, and we start
with one of my pet names for you,

Greg, it's the Pretty Maypole.
Here we go.

Hello, Ardal. Hi.

Lovely.

This is fun.

Oh, of course. They're all fun.

No, they're not. Oh.

It's a bit muddy and animals.

What animals were there?

Moos. Ah.

"Either tie a ribbon
round the maypole

"or strike it with a ping pong ball.

"You must be properly blindfolded
at all times."

Thank you, of course I must.

"And must never step
beyond the rope."

And when we say beyond the rope,

you can step on the rope,
but not over it.

"Fastest wins.

"Your time starts when Alex gives
you a thumbs up."

CHRIS: Goggles, ribbon.

Is that a papoose.

You recognise the papoose?

Papa-who?

Oh, it's like a little baby.

Wait, I'm crying already.

Ah. Cos I'm feeling quite maternal.

Right.

Like, these are like my eggs.

They shouldn't be out and about.

Are you sure this is just not
for your pleasure?

Bit of both.

Oh, me eyelashes. Me eyelashes.

Ow. You've never played role-playing
things at home, have you?

Have we got thumbs up?

No, I won't give you a thumbs up
till you spin round ten times.

It doesn't say I've got to do that.

I know, but that's what's
going to happen.

Oh. One.

Was that one? One.

It's a bit cruel, Alex.

Uh-huh.

Are you counting?

Yes.

Are you counting? Yes.

Happy?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I'm actually losing my balance
a little bit now.

That's definitely ten times.

No, that's 12 now.

You...you said ten.

I've given you the thumbs up.

Oh, my God, you absolute twat face.

Ardal, I wrote down,
I hope this isn't insulting,

I wrote down, "Increasingly,
Ardal puts me in mind of

"a provincial vicar who comes round
to help in the garden

"but makes things worse."

Looks quite fun, I'm excited.
Let's go.

OK. Right, well, we're going
to start

with Ardal, Judi and Bridget.
Here are their attempts.

Have you given me the thumbs up?

Yep. Oh, OK.

Alex.

Yes. Am I close to the rope?

Hmm. You've been closer.

Was that good?

One. Two.

Is it hitting it?

I don't know where I am.

Nope. I don't know where I am.
My head's spinning.

Oh, what's this?

That's not a pillar I don't think.

No.

Is that a fence? Yes.

Eh? The fence is miles away.

Maypole's flap...

Uh-huh. ..in my experience.

So you're listening out for
flapping?

I'm listening...listening out
for flapping. OK.

No, that's, that's you flapping,
Alex, is it?

I'm not flapping.

I'm just sort of wandering around.

Ooh.

Oh, is that another bloody fence?

Yeah, you've found the other fence.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, there's the rope.

If I just move the rope
up to the maypole

and then just not go beyond it.

OK.

Ooh, shit.

SHE LAUGHS

What are you doing, Judi?

I'm trying.

SHE SNORTS

POLE DINGS

I've stopped the clock.
ARDAL CHEERS

Yes. Ah.

What's that?

Ooh.

Well, I've got both now so I just
need to find the maypole. Yes.

Judi, what are you doing?
What are you doing?

Alex? Yes.

Yeah, I'm trying to get the
ribbon out.

Oh, no, that's not the ribbon.
The ribbon was on your... Ah.

I'm done.

Ooh.

It's obviously over here.

Ooh.

Striking.

Yes, I've stopped the clock, congratulations.

SHE LAUGHS

Right, I take back what I said
about Ardal being

an ineffective provincial vicar

because that was an elite athlete.

That was someone with a system
and I hope you don't mind,

I wrote down what I think
the system would be named

and it's called
Listening To The Flap.

Right, onto Bridget's system.

System? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Well, he... Not my fault.

You did.
You made me spin too many times.

I think if I'd done ten spins
I'd have...

It would've been less of
a shit show, would it?

Oh, I'd have been... It would've
been seconds I expect.

Judi. I mean, I can short cut
and tell you that the final part

of the system was you on your hands
and knees

wheezing in front of a maypole, sure.

No-one else heard the wheezing, Greg,

you didn't have to say that bit, babes.

They heard the wheezing.

Go on, tell me some times.

Well, you know, I don't think you'll
be that disappointed by Bridget.

11 minutes 30. Not a disaster.

It felt longer,
I think we'd all agree.

Judi, she was quick. Can't be good.

It was four minutes 15 seconds.

How?

Ardal's finding flapping throwing,
two minutes ten.

Time for a break.
Go and drink some water,

what you're eating's full
of salt, your body needs water.

You need to start being
kind to yourselves.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and a very warm welcome back
to the second part of the show.

Before the break, the contestants
were trying to locate a maypole

to either strike with
a ping pong ball

or tie a ribbon around,
all whilst blindfolded.

There are only two people to go

and they're really, really young
compared to the others.

It's Sophie and Chris.

Oh, no. Oh, no,
I don't know where it is.

I can stand on the rope, yeah?

OK.

Why are you saying OK?

All the information's on the task.

Which I can't read. Oh.

I'll stop the clock.

Not quite.

Oh.

Yes. I've stopped the clock.

SHE CHEERS

Have you ever felt cooler?

It's the best thing that's ever
happened in me entire life.

Do not pan down,
I might have an erection.

Amazing.

First time. One ball. First time.

Perfection. Hmm.

That's what it was.

Yes, but was...was there a system?

Yeah, he held on to the pillar
while he was spinning,

so he never lost his bearings.

Oh. Wow. Clever.

Ooh, you never thought the flapping
system would be beaten, did you?

Now, the mother.

Yes.

You know, fairly decent performance.

She promised to pay anyone
who beat her £20.

So, I guess what we need to do is

see the two throws next to each
other in real, actual real-time.

I'm going to hit it.

Happy? Yes.

Oh, no. Oh, no, I don't know
where it is.

Down there.

No.

Right. Have I had a thumbs up yet?

Yes. OK. Are you sure?

Have I had a thumbs up?

Yeah, I'm not blindfolded.

Not quite. Oh.

Yeah, I've stopped the clock.

I've stopped the clock.

All right. Bye, Chris.

Bye, Alex.
Bye, easiest task of the series.

Hey, hey.

Wow.

Let's be honest, speaking on behalf
of the whole room.

Who thought that that
would be exciting?

LAUGHTER

Well, Bridget obviously one point,
she took ages.

Judi four minutes - two points.

Ardal, three points for his
two minutes in the flapping,

but Chris only gets four points,

in an impressive 38 seconds

but Sophie five points for 31 seconds.

There we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a scoreboard.

I think you'll be surprised
by who's in the lead.

It's Ardal O'Hanlon
with eight points at this stage.

Not surprised at all. Next.

Ooh. One...one second.

Greg, smile.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Lovely stuff, there it is.

That is very cool.

Ooh.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Ardal.

CHRIS: Very cosy, isn't it?

This is where I live.

It's horrible.

Everything I want. Yeah?

That's weird.

My hero.

Why's he your hero?

Is there any way
of not having that there?

No. OK.

Oh, I love them, man.
I'll never get sick of a wax seal.

"Reveal the coolest photo
in your phone.

"You have five minutes.

"Your time starts now."

Let me see, let me see,
let me see.

Ooh, that one's a bit naughty.

SHE LAUGHS

I'd like to see it.

No. No.

No.

There's me paddleboarding.
Oh, that's cool.

I've got me dressed as Charles II.

SHE LAUGHS

Judi...

Judi.

OK, that's not cool.

Are they beetles?

No, they're sockets.
Sockets. Hidden in a wardrobe.

OK, so you've got some options.

Oh, God.

I've got one of Margaret Atwood
reading her own book.

Lorraine Kelly.

Does he like Kingfishers?

Would this appeal to him?

Even though I live in the
countryside, I get 927 mg a second.

That is cool. That's the quickest.

Oh, I've a brilliantly cool photo.
It's not very clear.

Unfortunately, it's not really
visible to the human eye.

Can I see it? TM's going to love
it. He's going to love it.

I'm going to go with this one.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Oh, it's...

It was the worst blow
I've ever seen, I think.

Thank you for the photo.

I've only...

SHE GASPS

Oh, that's so evil.

"Recreate the coolest photo
in your phone.

"Most accurate recreation wins.

"You have 15 minutes.

"Your time starts now."
How am I going to do that?

Sockets would've been easy.

Sockets would've been so easy,
you're right.

I guess we should tuck into
what everyone's view of cool is.

Hmm. Yes.

Uh, sockets in a wardrobe.

They were hidden in a wardrobe. Hidden.

It's not the one I chose in the end.

But you thought about it.

Well, we're going to hold back the
photos for a little while.

Let's see them
preparing their replica photos.

Let us do that. Here we go.

I've got some ideas. Oh, my God,
this is the smallest caravan ever.

What's wrong with ya?

I'm going to do your nipples
and then I'm going to do your face.

Pardon?

BRIDGET: That's got to attach
to something.

CHRIS: I need a onesie.
Something grey.

JUDI: I need you to draw some faces. Faces.

Faces. Ahh.

HE SIGHS

Cheese. Take number one.

Well, that is dangerous.

CHRIS: No. No. No, that's not right.

They're mountains by the way.

I think the teats look like darker
and better if they're a bit wet.

OK, we're nearly there.

CHRIS: Can I have beer?

Yeah, look at that.

That foot is in that hole

and this foot is on top
of that one.

I...I don't think it's going to work.

Oh, you're doing real good work
there you know, babes.

Yeah, thank you. Uh...

Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh...

Great.

OK. Well, I think I'm done.

Hmm, intriguing. Very intriguing.

Well, I think I've got a bit of
a handle on what

Judi, Ardal and even Chris
are up to.

The other two, I mean,
literally scare the shit out of me.

"I'm going to do your nipples first
then your face,"

and then there were some wet teats?

Yeah, there was wet...wet teats.
"I'm going to make your teats wet."

I'm going to, yeah. Lovely. And I
don't know what this madness is.

It's, you know, I'm off the ground.

Now that's the sort of teaser
we need to go into a break.

Just time for you to pull your
trousers down

in front of your partner and scream,
"Why don't you see me any more?"

Hello, and welcome back
to Taskmaster.

It's part three and it's
little Alex Horne with the news.

Dong. Before the break...

How they do it.

Before the break,
the cast showed me their cool photos

and then had to try and physically
recreate those cool photos.

Dong. Off we go then.

First of all, here's Chris'
recreation of the cool photo.

It's a nice...nice photo,
isn't it, Greg?

Yeah. This was the original photo.

Aw!

The future man.

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

Oh, my God, you know I'm a qualified
social worker, right?

Wow. We can see the original

and the recreation
next to each other.

Ahh.

SOPHIE: You could've pissed in the
bottle or something

to make it yellow.

There's a lot more stars on your...

OK. Well, this time I'm going to
start with the cool photo

and then the recreation.

So this is Bridget's coolest photo
in her phone.

GASPS

Wow. Oh, my God.

Yeah, she's in the air
holding herself up

just with her arms on the rope.

Pretty cool.

Would you like to see
the 15-minute recreation?

Who's that?

So we can see the two next
to each other. Yeah.

There are hoops,
there's a hoop in there.

The...the hooded man in the original
isn't pissing against a wall.

That's what I thought
but I hadn't seen that,

otherwise I'd have changed like
to say you look like you're pissing.

JUDI: Quite good though.

OK, again, we're going to see
Sophie's original photo first.

Her coolest photo was of
a dog in Ghana.

There it is.

It's a pretty odd choice
but there... Thank God.

I think we know where this is going.
This is what happened next.

APPLAUSE

That is excellent. I just...

Can we see them next to each other?
Course we can, side by side.

I won't know which one's which.

I think you've got the breed wrong.

I think that's
clearly an Alsatian over there.

Wow.

I've got the teats,
the teats are wet. The bags.

I'm... I'm very aware
of the wet teats.

Let's see Judi's cool photo.

It's her performing at
Wembley Arena.

Beautiful. I mean,
it is an undeniably cool picture

but I'm marking you on
the accuracy of the recreation.

Good luck, Judi.
Oh, well, you know me, babes.

All right,
so just keep looking at that.

I'm just gonna put the other one up.
You'll barely notice the change.

Here we go.

I'm not going to tell you when
I've done it.

JUDI LAUGHS

Now, bear in mind
that was a quarter of an hour,

just a quarter of an hour
she did that.

I mean, what? The SSE is there,
the guy is that,

look, same expression with
the guy with the...

Look, look at the teeth,

the one at the top with
the teeth on the... Yeah, yeah.

The dog from the last photo's
in it.

You've got the...
Oh, the dog is there. The dog...

THEY LAUGH

OK, here's them side by side.

Look at that, you see, look.

Good. We've heard a lot from
the last guy.

Yeah, he has, he's really been
chopsy through this.

Hmm. This is what he created,
again, in just 15 minutes.

Here's his picture.

So...
JUDI LAUGHS

OK, here we go, with just a touch
of a button. There's the original.

It's some sheep playing football.

Some sheep playing football
in Ireland.

The nerve of the man.

SOPHIE: You said the breed
of my dog was different.

You was saying there was too many
stars on my onesie.

At least I mead some effort
to make sheep.

OK, all ten photos here.

Here we go.

There's some quality there.

Shall we get this over with?

Yes, here we go. Here we go.
Ready?

In last place first please, Greg.

Well, I mean, come on.

Ardal gets one point. Correct.

Really?

Well, look. I mean, obviously

it's the preposterous
wet-teated dog, isn't it?

That's...that's me
you're talking about, I think.

For accuracy's sake,
I must put Judi at three points.

OK, three points to Judi.

It feels... Is it another tragic
silver medal for Chris?

Yeah, and I do think it's cruel

because I very much enjoyed
his picture

but Bridget takes it.

It's the best recreation,

it's five points to Bridget Christie.

All right, you will give me
another task, please.

Yes, I will. How about this?

It's the first team task
of the series.

CHEERING

Hey.

Hello. How are ya?

Ah, how's it going, man?
Good to see you.

You all right?
Yeah, nice to see you.

Ahh.

Ahh. Yeah.

Hello, babes.

So what...what
the hell's going on here?

In this task, you two are a team.

Oh, that's good to know.

Ahh.

Hello. Some company at last.

This must be what it feels like when
you're on like

Love Island or something. Yeah.

"Score a goal.

"With each of the exercise balls.

"You may only move the exercise
balls on the pitch

"when driving the buggy.

"Each person must score a goal using
their own personal wheels

"to drive the buggy and no-one may
score two goals in a row.

"Fastest hat-trick wins.

"The fastest hat-trick wins.

"Your time started when you
broke the seal."

Ooh, sorry. I mean, honestly.
I'm so sorry.

I didn't listen to any of that.

Ahh.

Could the instructions be
any clearer?

Ahh.

Right, I need to do things
really slowly. OK...OK.

"Score a goal."

Oh, no. This is going to really
stress me out.

Then there's a line. Oh, no.

Where's the buggy?

ALEX: It's not far away.

Is it within the confines
of the hockey pitch?

Yes. OK, thank you.

Uh...

Someone look for the buggy.
Oh, is that the buggy?

I haven't finished, we're... OK.
Oh, no. ..only halfway through.

Is part of the task to find
the buggy?

Well, we didn't think it was,
but apparently it is.

OK. Uh, well, let's...

Are we stupid?
Let's have a look for the buggy.

Ahh. Oh, there it is.

APPLAUSE

Very hard to pick who
I think's going to be worse.

JUDI LAUGHS

Very hard.

Uh, the angle is unfair.
From where we were,

that bit of wood was obstructing
the view of the buggy.

You... Oh, you was the same place
where we was, weren't you? Yeah.

We found it straight away.

Yes.

Let's let the chaos commence.

All right, and we're going to begin
with the boys. Good luck.

Um, I'm weirdly confident
with these, can I go first?

OK, yeah. You go first, yeah.
I'm weirdly confident with it.

Please, please go first.

That'll do.

Vroom-vroom-vroom.

Chris. Bye.

So I'll be...
I'll be kind of a cox, yeah?

You can't touch the balls, Ardal.

Go on, Chris.
You gonna do a Panenka?

I don't like football,
so I don't know who that is.

It's good. It's good, it's good.

Ahh. Ahh. Don't touch it,
we'll get told off.

Ahh.

This way. Come on, come on,
come behind it,

come behind it, come behind it.

Uh, nice, nice. Oh, that's good.

Ah, shit.

Oh, no, no.

Ah, God.

It's much harder than
I thought it would be, Ardal.

Gentle. Gentle.

Yes. Yes, to the pit stop,
let's go.

Yay.

Let's put a clock on the pit stop.

And he's in.

OK, you do the mechanics there.

Done it. OK, grab yours.

OK.

OK. Fit? Yeah, yeah, good.

Oop. No, no, no,
that's the wrong way.

Down, yeah. Both hard.
Put your feet up, whack it.

What do I do?

Up to stop.

Oh, I see. Yeah.
And then it's like that. Yeah.

So that's that and that's that.

Going for the start.

Lovely. Lovely start.

Oh, my God. He's done it.

Oh, my! Brilliant. Ha-ha!

That is absolutely amazing.

HE CHEERS

Smashed it. We're in.

Where do we go? Wonderful work, sir.

Turn us on.

Yeah.

Ooh, nice control.

Look at that ball control. Come on.

Ahh. Turn, turn, turn.

Ah, no.

Ah, this is good.
This is good technique.

Go on ya... It's stuck.

It's in, it's over the line.

No, that's not fully over,
it's not fully over.

Yes. Now it's fully over.

I've stopped the clock.

Well done, Chris.

Amazing stuff. Whoo.

Right, I've written this
sentence down. OK.

See what you make of it.

"Throughout that, I felt like
a proud father watching his two
weird sons have fun together."

Have we got a picture of Ardal?

Yes, you could see how much fun
he was having.

This is... There we are.
..his face mid-flow.

There's Ardal, aged nine.

My tongue helped a lot.

Um, my tongue is a sort of
a throttle. Uh...

We'll take that quote in isolation.

My tongue is some sort
of a throttle.

Yes. Their total time was
eight minutes and 38 seconds.

Hmm. OK. Time for a quick break.

Go into the street and egg the windows

of anyone not watching this show,
we need to smoke these people out.

Welcome back, everyone,
it's the final part of the show

and we're in the thick of
our first team task.

Yes, it's boys versus girls
this series. The boys have been

and now it's the turn of the girls

to score three gym ball goals
on a hockey pitch

whilst driving a hover cart.
Here's how they got on.

Bridget. Bridget.
You want to go first?

Bridget, you look like...
No. Last night,

I genuinely pointed
the remote control at the oven

and so I'm not going first.

OK.

Do you want to go first?
Cos I'm obviously going second.

I'll go first.

Oh, God. OK, it's heavy.

Oh, God.

And then off you go really.

SHE SCREAMS SOFTLY

SHE SCREAMS

Wrong way.

Get that goal, girl. Get that goal.

Ahh.

Oh, you've gone past them.

Oh, God. OK.

OK. This is... Oh, God.

Ahh. There's a slug.

Would you like me to help?

I think we can touch the ball
when it's not on the pitch.

Ahh.

Go on, girl.

Ahh.

Yes. Goal.

That's one goal.

Yeah. Congratulations, Sophie.

Let's go, next. Next.

Right, you're in the pit area.

OK. Alex, I love the way you're
just watching us but...

Ah, do you want me to applaud?

Uh, you could applaud when we
do a goal.

Let's go.

Is it on? No.

I'll turn it on for you.

SOPHIE LAUGHS

OK...

OK.

Oh, good control. Guys, guys.

Yeah. Have you done this before?

No.

This seems like
a lot more civilised.

Guys, I just need it
to go straight.

Right, one more goal to score.

How do you turn it?

Judi. This way, Judi.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Straight for the ball.

She is fast.

You can do it.

Yes, girl.

Ah.

Bring it home.

I...I can't move round. Oh, hang on.
That's it, girl.

Do it.

That ball's between your legs.

Ahh. Ah-ah.

Yes.

WHISTLE BLOWS

It's a goal.

APPLAUSE

Sophie, I hope this isn't offensive,
uh, screamed like a lamb.

No, that's fine, you can say that.

I think that's...that's...that
is valid.

And yet, you employed full power.

I thought...
Thought it was a confident lamb.

Yeah, I was trying to go fast.

You went fast but for a long time.

Yeah.

Judi, I hope this isn't insulting.

THEY LAUGH

Initially, I thought you had

"the rictus grin of Davros
from the Daleks."

There was something about
the stillness.

I...I think there was something
wrong with mine,

it was really slow.

It was going really slow.

I thought that was you doing
that on purpose.

I thought you were being
quite poised.

Oh, was I can I control the speed?

Yeah? Bridget's ball technique,
pretty sweet. Hmm.

Didn't say I couldn't.

No. Popped it on your lap.
Popped it on me lap.

Scored with yourself. Yep.

It took them a long time
to read the task,

a long time to construct the machine
and their pit stops were also long.

But what an entertaining team
they are.

Oh, they're lovely to watch.
The flare of the individuals.

Yes, useless but fun. Yeah.

But it all added up to, uh,

eight minutes 38 from the boys,

15 minutes and two seconds
from the girls.

Ahh. So there we go.

But it's up to you, Greg,
to divide the points.

Normally it's five points
split between the two teams,

so it could be five and zero,

four and one, three and two, it's
up to you.

Oh, well I can't give my
lovely boys nothing.

No, no, well they won.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that...that make...

I can easily give
the baby lamb nothing.

I think five and three feels fair.

Oh, right, OK.

No, that's fine, yeah. Yes, cool.

So we're getting three points?
Three points.

Yeah, I think it was, uh... Ahh.
SHE BLEATS

Three points to the girls,
five points to Ardal and Chris.

Quick look at the scores.

OK, then. At the top,

he won the last episode,
he's winning this one as well.

With 15 points, it's Chris Ramsey.
He's getting away with it.

Pretty close. Right, you better
make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

APPLAUSE

Right, who's going to read
the task out, lovely pretty boy?

Thank you again, Greg,
for my compliment.

I would like Chris Ramsey
to read the task today, please.

"Identify the object
under your table

"and draw it on the canvas
on the underside of your table.

"You must also write down
three words

"to describe your object.

"Most accurate drawing wins.

"You must also stare menacingly at
the Taskmaster at all times.

"You have 100 seconds."

Stare at him at all times? Yeah.

Menacingly. Greg, are you ready
for me to reveal the objects?

Oh, God, yes.

OK, off we go.

Lovely.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

I was quite pleased with my
little trot. Shall we start?

Yes. Your 100 seconds...

Chris.

..starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

And they're off.

Do not stop looking at me. Do not...

HE SHRIEKS

CHRIS: Oh, what's happening?
Why does it feel weird?

What's happening?

Oh, wait, we've
got to put our hand in this...?

Just keep looking at me.

It's...it's on the bucket, Judi.
On the bucket, Judi.

It's on the bucket, Judi.

What is this? And why does it
feel the worst thing ever?

Urgh.

ALEX: That's exactly the question.

Ahh.

Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
Oh, the words on the table?

Yes, I should've said that. I'm
watching you. Watching your eyes.

We're looking for colours, textures.

CHRIS: I don't know what
she's doing.

Are you all right, Sophie?

Uh-huh. OK.

You look happy. All good, Sophie.
Yeah?

Make sure you've written
your three words.

Have you all written your
three words?

CHRIS: Yes. Yes?

WHISTLE BLOWS OK.

OK, relax. Don't look.

APPLAUSE

Right.

Hello, Ardal. Hi.
Hello. So, Ardal. How are you?

What three words did you write down
for your object?

I wrote - wet, horse, green.

Wet, horse, green.

Not a wet, green horse.

No, a wet horse green.
No, wet horse green.

OK, well, let's have a look
at your wet horse green.

There it is.

And here is...

Here is your wet horse green.

There's the actual object.

It's a wet camel. It is soaking wet,
he has got wet right.

Sorry, is it worth me saying,
uh, making a comment on Ardal's?

Yes, always. It's rubbish.

OK.

Hello, Bridget, what have you drawn?

Birdy hand finger.

OK, well, let's have a look
at your birdy hand finger.

It's like a character
from a '60s film.

Ooh. Ooh, birdy hand finger.

Yes, there's your birdy hand finger.

OK, well, let's pop that down there

and let's show you
your birdy hand finger.

There you go.

Ooh, it was a... It's not awful.

It's pretty credible,
because honestly, from here

I don't know what that object is.

Well, it was a rubber glove
frozen in a fridge

with two fingers snapped off, obviously.

Oh, of course.

Hello, Chris. Hello.

You've written three words.
I've got stuff on me hands.

Yes, what do you think you've got
on your hand? I don't know.

I've sniffed it, but I'm
frightened to lick it.

Do not lick it. Do not lick it.

Good rule of thumb.
Good rule of thumb.

What have you written down there,
Chris?

"Gunky slime,"
and I've tried to write "vase"

but I don't know, that's terrible.

Gunky slime vase.

Gunky, gunky slime vase.

OK. That's his picture of
a gunky slime vase.

Oh, I mean, honestly...
AUDIENCE GASP

That's a gunky slime vase.

To be fair...
I can't wait to see what this is.

..unlike Ardal's, it's a shape.

It is a shape and he's got
the opening of the fish vase.

Oh, you... It's a gunky slime vase.

Gunky slime vase.

Yeah, it's a fish vase
covered in jam.

Right, Judi, what have you,
uh, what have you written down?

Sea, crab, lobster.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Oh. Given yourself a couple
of options.

You said three words.

Yes, no, I... Yes. All right,
here it is.

Look, let me show you something.

OK. Let me show you something. Yes.

The sea. That's the sea. Oh, yeah.

And that's the lobster bit
at the sides.

But I'm a... I'm a special child

and I colour on the outside
of the lines.

Yeah. I mean, she's got the
colour right.

There we go.

Come on. Come on.

APPLAUSE

CHRIS: Nice.

She has captured something
of the essence of that beast.

She has. Yeah.

Finally, Sophie Duker. Yeah.

You've written down
a little sentence.

I've written down,
"Difficult to see."

Yes.

What do you think it is?

Like, a really effective condom.

Can we have a look at the picture
of her really thick condom?

Pfft!

That spells pregnancy.

LAUGHTER

It does spell pregnancy, yeah.

OK, do you mind if I just
pop it now?

It's a pineapple, that's all it is.

Yeah. Yeah, it's just a pineapple.

Well, there we go, Greg, that's it.

Well, it would be very unfair for me

to make a distinction between
Ardal's and Sophie's

being as they both are rubbish.

One point?
One point for both of them.

OK, we're moving up,
I guess, to three points now.

I think gunky slime vase
is probably the three points

because it's a basic interpretation

of quite an elaborate
jam-covered fish.

Judi's flavours of the sea
takes second place with four.

Wonderful. And whatever that pointy
finger thing was

takes the full five points.
Congratulations, Sophie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come back down and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores.

Ooh.

Well, there we are. Welcome back.

Thank you. Nail-biting stuff.

Yes. Bridget did very well,
she got the five points

and it was almost enough
to give her the episode win

but not quite.

For the second episode
in a row we have... Oh.

We have the winner,
it's Mr Chris Ramsey.

This time with 18 points. Wow!

Again.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Chris Ramsey is tonight's winner.

Please beam yourself onto the stage

and collect your
alien-friendly goodies.

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that in hundreds
of years

when the Earth is scorched
and the human race is long gone,

hopefully, aliens will visit
and find something that tells them

that Queen Zufufu and her army of
Dutch militia reign supreme over ET,

robot lawnmowers and
the mysterious shining mirrurr.

That's it then. Until next time,
take care of yourselves

and well done again to Chris Ramsey.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media