Switch (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

I can't draw anymore.

I've got a hand cramp.

They're great.

They'll go down to the
store with the punters.

That's market talk
for customers.

My new
PA starts today.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

I'm going need it becausethis week I need to win

over our biggest client yet.

For the next few days, my wholelife is about Mr. Mustard.

Why is there a goat's
head in the fridge?



What?

It's our anniversarytomorrow-- goat's head stew.

Tradition-- don't
tell me you forgot.

Five years since weofficially formed our coven.

Aren't we a bit old
for anniversaries?

I can't believe you two.

She's gone to so much
trouble for this.

I'm going to be up
all night doing a whole

another load of t-shirts.

I'm going to be workinglate on this mustard pitch.

I don't think you understand
how important it is.

It'll break Grace'sheart if you're not here.

I don't care what
you've got planned.

You're staying in and
having fun with us.



OK?

Have you got any credit?

Have you got any
credit on your phone?

Um, yup.

Can I use it, please?

I need to make a call.

Sorry, I have to get to work.

Don't look down on me.

I'm not.

I asked you nicely.

I'm not a bad person.

I take my nan to church.

She's got her own nappy.

Sorry.

Can't help you.

No!

Help!

She's got
robes and everything.

Five is a big year.

Softest camp flashback.

Right, I will
leave work early,

but I draw the line at
organic sanitary towels.

Remember this?

I'm a little
woodland sprite.

And I live in a hedge.

And I give you a--

fright.

He just sort of--

sort of jumped me.

I want to go home.

You're safe now.

We're all here.

I want to go home.

You are home.

To my mum's.

This type of thing goeson all the time in London.

I want to go home
where people are kind.

I've fucking had it with London.

You don't mean that.

I do.

What about us?

We'd hate it if you went.

Right, this is my I got muggedslash shit-faced last night.

Box.

Oyster card, phone, knick--

no, maybe not.

I'm not staying here.

It's our anniversary tomorrow.

We're all excited
about it, aren't we?

How about a little
confidence spell?

Come one, that goat's headis not gonna stew itself.

OK, it say here three
teaspoons of iron.

Give her a bit of a boost.

Water.

Air.

Fire.

I'm not sure about this.

It's fine.

Spirit
help our sister meek.

Give her lion's heart,
not a rodent's squeak.

Help her to lose inhibition,to not doubt her strength,

or beg permission.

Spirit mighty, this we crave.

Make her fearless,
strong, and brave!

Are you OK?

I feel-- immense.

The honeys
in the place, grind.

Get low, get low.

Move side to side.

All the honeys in
the place grind.

Get low, get low.

Move side to side.

All the honeys in
the place, grind.

Get low, get low.

Move side to side.

All the honeys in
the place, grind.

Get low, get low.

Move side to side.

Kicking off and--

Yes, Anna?

Hi.

I was mugged earlier,
so, running late.

It's fine.

Um-- um-- yeah, I think
I'm too traumatized.

I'm not gonna come
in to work today, OK?

Thanks.

Bye.

- You sat on my guitar.- Sorry.

Didn't realize.

I love this more
than my penis.

You're not at work today.

I got mugged.

It's OK.

I'm fine.

Can't let these
things get you down.

Exactly.

I've been mugged seven times-- find it quite relaxing now.

I refuse to feel
useless, which

leads me to my next point--

your band.

Neat segue way.

Why aren't you on first?

Why aren't you headlining?

If you had a bit more
confidence Gerry,

you'd be topping that bill.

Hey, Larry, how's
marriage treating you?

Bushy, where have
you been all my life?

Hello, Jack, have you startedskateboarding lessons?

Has she still not
called you back, James?

Come here.

That's right.

I feel your pain.

Makes perfect sense.

Hannah's good with customers--

And you are not.

Yes I am!

You hate everyone
who sets foot in here.

I hate them, but
I'm good with them.

Anyway, Hannah deals with thesales, and I'm the creative.

I get to do what I'm good atfor a change-- my own designs.

Fingers crossed, I get
to leave this dumb soon.

Congratulations.

You're doing good work.

Let's have a quick game ofwho-would-you-do to celebrate.

I'll go first.

You for real?

He's a munter.

Yeah.

But if I do this, he
looks a little bit

like Gerard Depardieu.

Stella, we need to
make mustard more sexy,

more accessible.

A mustard for the modern world.

Can you cut the mustard?

Are you the mustard cutter?

I hope so.

Where's Laura, my new PA?

I'm dying for a coffee.

Sacked her and
found a replacement--

all before 9 o'clock.

Meet India, your new PA.

No.

No way.

No chance.

I'm not working with her.Find someone else.

I've just given her the job.

But I'm not working with her.

There were plenty of goodcandidates on that list.

Let's just keep looking.

She's brilliant.

She's a fucking--

could you just give
me a minute, please?

Do I have to?

No.

I am not working with her.

I know her, and I
don't trust her.

- That's ridiculous.- I don't want to work with her.

Find another PA.

India, you're promoted
to account manager.

But she's clueless!

What are the three basicprinciples of advertising?

Um, shopping
pictures, and shopping.

She is hotter than
a Fukushima reactor.

Shopping, pictures,
and shopping.

Her ideas are so crunchy!

What?

Listen, this mustard
account is huge.

We get mustard, they'll
give us mayonnaise.

We get mayonnaise, then weget a shot at the big one--

ketchup.
- Ketchup.

We'll never get a
second shot at this.

So I want both of
you working on it.

The best pitch
keeps the account.

Magnifique.

But--

India, I got
these for you so--

because you're so brilliant!

Sorry, I'll go now.

Have you cast a spell
on my entire office?

Talking about how much youcast is just not...

darling.

Didn't they teach
you that at camp?

See, a lot is going to dependon how tight your trucks are.

You sold everything?

What?

Scouser!

Didn't you watch my stuff?

You didn't ask me.

You've asked him.

Didn't you watch my stuff?

You didn't ask me.
You've asked him.

- No you didn't.
- Yeah you did.

Look, I don't care
which one I asked.

You're both basically
the same person.

Where's all my stuff?

Bushy?

I'm so sorry.

I thought it was going
to be like "EastEnders,"

everyone looking out
for each others stall.

Shall I call the police?

What, for 20 t-shirts?

Don't worry about it, Hannah.- We'll fix it.

We'll do something.

It's fine.

It's my mistake for asking you.

Jude, I'm sorry.

Conversion of strategicaudiences into buying audiences

will vary by media type,
and is often defined

by lifestyle characteristics.

You see, out mustard
friends have a--

Yes, this is a bit boring.

Let's move on to
India's presentation.

I think we should pitch this.

Woo!

Brilliant!

Everyone get that down.

That is genius.

I love it.

- You're such a baby.
- This is the best.

Shh!

Listen up, Shaggy, Not NowKato played The Roundhouse,

The Good Mixer, Bar Flight.

Who the hell are
The Buckets anyway?

You either are, or you are notin touch with the indie scene.

If the latter, you
can look forward

to diminishing audiences onyour venue's slow decline

into a chav pit with pinkdrinks and mirrors everywhere.

Do you want a club with
mirrors everywhere?

No?

Then how about we agree toa change of running order.

That was amazing.

You're like a tiny Jedi.

This band will
headlining tonight.

How can I thank you?

How about a kiss?

Of course!

Hannah needs me.

I've got to go.

And one for you.

Rock and roll!

They stole every one?

And no one saw anything?

I've ruined the anniversary.

She was so mad she did thewhole quiet, cool thing.

I'm confident I can solve it.Leave this with me.

Someone here knows more
than they're letting on.

You.

You look nervous.

Why?

Don't know.

- You're hiding something.- No I'm not.

Don't lie to me.

I fancy Hannah!

Remember anything
from this morning?

Jog your memory?

That's not even ours.

Thanks, Grace.

Let's talk about this at home.

OK, you've had your fun.

Alexis made her point.

Now can we lift the spell, sothat we can get on with winning

the mustard account?

Sorry, darling.

What do you want?

Strictly ... I'm here to destroy you,

and your career,
and your company.

Why?

The company goes
down, you lose your job

and your grubby little
coven can't afford

to live in London anymore.

But it has nothing
to do with you.

Alexis always hated us.

Every couple of years she getsa new bunch of sad hangers-on

to do whatever she wants.

Alexa and I are
BFFs, actually.

And you are on our patch.

One of your little,
remedial chums

got themselves into a scrape?

Let me get past.

Spell it out to the
dimwit's, will you?

Nice, big font-- no
complicated words--

you do not mess with the
witches of Kensington.

It's totes simple.

We will always win.

Yeah?

Don't panic.

We've got a plan.

It just took some organizing.

What I need--
- What is this?

-- is, um, materials.
What I need us to do--

- How did you afford all that?- Doesn't matter.

I haggled-- hard.

What's up?

My stuff got stolen.

Can everyone
just listen to me?

We need to enchant thesedesigns to make Jude's t-shirts,

so that business canrecover from its misfortune.

I'll do it.

Stella, get the spellbook.

Jude, pass me the design.

Hannah, just give me some space.

Spirit,
we are in a mess.

We need to save our
friends business.

There isn't any time to spare.

We need some t-shirts
made with care.

Spirit please,
enchant this design,

and do it quick--
in record time!

Yes!

I promise you, I won'tlet them out of my sight.

What-- What's the
matter with you?

Well, you know my new PAwas supposed to start today?

It's India Harvey Wilkinson.

She has cast a spell
on the entire office

so they think she's a genius.

She's got promoted.

And now she's trying to ruin thecompany so that I lose my job

and can't pay our rent.

So you still need a new PA?

I'll come work for you.

What can you do?

Anything, my friend.

Well, I best get off.

Are you still seeing Gerry?

Yeah.

Not really going
anywhere though, is it?

Um, no-- not really.

Thanks.

Han, should you be gettingthe stock down to the store?

Um, of course--

yeah.

Stels, image change-- pronto.

Show me corporate.

I want to make Deborah Meadenlook like Florence Welch.

This trouser suit makes me feellike I actually have a cock.

Well, my whole industry
is based on gossip.

If India pitches
something ridiculous,

it will be the talk of London.

It's fine.

Well, no one
else will touch us.

And then all the other
clients will leave us.

I've seen it happen before.

And people have got
mortgages and kids.

OK, so what's your pitch?

I don't know.

I can't even think straight.

I have never felt so--

It'll be fine.

Do you remember
when we first met?

We were at camp.

I was crying because--

Because your newt died.

You didn't say anything.

You just climbed into
bed with me and held me.

You knew what I needed,
even when I didn't know.

You can manage
people, win them over.

How do I do that?

There's this boy, right?

And he knows me, but Idon't think he notices me.

How can I get his attention?

How can I make him see thestrong, confident, sexual being

It feels so good saying that.

I don't know.

Surprise him?

Show him a side to you
he's never seen before?

Something he
hasn't seen before.

Yes.

Yes, brilliant.

Thanks.

What are friends for?

- That's it.
- What?

Friends.
That's it.

I know we can do.

We can't lift the
spell, but we can

do the best goddamn pitch ever.

Right, let's get
these dates nailed.

Hello.

- Sorry we're late.
- Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Hey, Janet.

Grace, what are
you doing here?

I'm Stella's new PA, sinceyou promoted that fucktard--

India.

She's not a fucktard.

- She is.
- She's not.

Well, she is.

Anyway, we've got a pitch.

There's no point.

We're going with India's idea.

No, Janet, you
need to hear this.

Comfy?

I'll begin.

Stella and I have been
friends for nine years.

We do everything together.

We live together.

We fight.

We cry.

I cry-- she doesn't.

There are some
things on my own I

quite like doing-- but
with her, I love doing.

Like partying, baking,
hangover walks.

Sorry, private joke.
Dance routines.

Why do we do these thing?

Because it gives us
license to be close.

Because we are friends.

And without real
friends, your life is

utterly and completely empty.

Grace isn't very
good with men, are you?

Well, not really.

She's terrible, in fact.

She struggles to attract
the men she wants.

And we only talk aboutthese really personal things

that only friends
can talk about when

we are doing things like this.

If our product is somethingwe do with our friends,

we won't just like it--

we'll--

We'll love it!

The truth is, this
is the pitch we need.

Isn't it?

Bollocks.

We're going with India's idea ofpushing mustard's versatility.

Like what?

There's loads of alternativeuses she's come up with--

toothpaste, moisturizer,
thrush cream.

That's what's going
to get people talking.

India?

Tomorrow, you pitch.

Great.

Yeah.

Sorry, Stel.

It's OK.

They are complete--

Don't worry.

Isn't this a nice surprise?

Hashtag lying.

Awkies.

What?
I'm not touching you.

What?
- Move.

We have a table booked.

Grace.

Out of my fucking way.

Anniversary hugs
for tomorrow, yeah?

How is the planning going?

The planning?

Hello?

You ruining Stella's job.

It's working.

And we paid some
scruff to mug Grace.

You got Grace mugged?

This is going to be theirworst anniversary ever.

Someone needs to hydrate me.

What other spell shall wedo on the Trumps of Camden

over lunch?

Um, actually, I don't think--

I don't think we need anymore.

They're toast.

Totes amazement.

I am better than her!

Trust me!

She is going to
ruin the company!

That is the truth, Janet!

Listen, Stella, pleasedon't come in here telling me

I'm not telling
you how to run it.

I'm just saying that youdon't know her very well.

She's absolutely fantastic.

What are you doing?

Me and Johnny areplaying naughty ping pong.

You know the score.

Doesn't half make
the day go quick.

Him in the back of a taxiwith a bottle of baby oil.

Him, just him, in a sexclub with everyone watching.

Wearing-- my t-shirt!

She made that!

Your shirt!

You might want to just-- shh.

And another one?

Babe, how can thatslag be talking about me?

Who the hell does
she think she is?

How could-- what you looking at?

Roll up, roll up, get yourt-shirts-- only a pound.

So cheap you'd buy one
for someone you hate.

Han!

These are going like hotcakes.

Everyone wants one.

You're a fashion star!

I had to give away a
few as peace offerings

after Grace's little outburst.

Why are you selling
them for a pound?

The switch is still going.

There's loads in the flat.

T- shirts were 50 pence apop after Grace's haggling.

100% profit.

Yes, please.

What's wrong with you?

I thought you'd be happy.

I'm a fashion designer, nota fucking Chinese sweat shop.

What?

I don't want theseteletubbies wearing my designs.

They make them look awful.

That's racist.

They're supposed
to be exclusive!

Can't you just concentrateand do something properly?

You should be thanking me.

Everyone loves your clothes!

They love the price,
not the fucking design.

Did you see us?

Yeah, I caught the last few.

Got two more
gigs, free booze--

headlining is fucking brilliant.

I am pirate drunk.

I'm pleased for you.

Honestly, so you're
headlining, it's like--

it's like everyone is on smack.

Some girl texted me a pictureof herself in the buff.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Women, beer, parking--
you get everything!

Are you going
to text her back?

The girl in the buff.

Nah, feels a bit
weird with Jude.

She is hot though.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Look.

I mean, she looks like
she could fuck a horse--

It was me.

It's me.

It's me.

Look, that's my number.

See you after the gig.

Hello.

That's you?

Yeah.

And now it's--

after the gig.

But you're mates with Jude.

She doesn't care about you.

Fact, I would never do
anything to hurt her.

I love her.

But she thinks you're nothingmore than a hunking slab

of sex meat, which is wrong.

Call me old fashioned.

Right.

It's a big mistake.

You should
probably delete that.

No.

Yes!

No!

Give me the--

Not today.

We learn to live.

Live to love.

We learn to love.

Not today.

We love to live.

We still on for tonight, then?

What's the matter with you two?

Nothing.

It's just she's a
bloody snob, that's all.

I'm not a snob.

Just because you talk
to anyone in the street

doesn't mean I want
them wearing my designs.

Not the bloody
t- shirts again.

Yes, the bloody
t- shirts again.

I'm about to lose my job.

Grace has gone completely mentalwith this confidence thing.

And you two are
arguing about nothing.

Merry anniversary.

Can I take you all
out for breakfast?

What's going on?

I'm not in the mood.

What, where's your
sense of sisterhood?

Let me take you out and buyyou breakfast-- celebrate

what amazing friends we are.

No!

Um, why is Gerry
naked in your room?

What?

Gerry and I are together.

We slept together last night.

He slept with me
the night before!

Well, I've liked him for ages.

You were just messing him about.

We need to lift the switch.

We need to lift it now.

I don't need her permission.

There was nothing going
on between you two,

and you know it.

Sorry, um--

I think I better go.

We are lifting
this switch, Grace.

You are out of control.

No I'm not.

Yes you are!

Being confident is one
thing, but this-- this

has gone too far!

You need to sit down andexchange some truths with us

so that the switch is over.

We do not do this to each other.

You want to share some truths?

How about you're onlyupset because I won't let

you use Gerry for sex anymore?

Or let you put your
new market buddies

in front of your real friends.

Or let you spend your wholelife obsessing about mustard.

Merry anniversary.

Pst-- him, nightclubtoilet, bottle of poppers,

Your turn.

He's not my type.

Too far away?

I'm just not all about sex.

No, of course not.

You like foreplay, watersports, bukkake, breath play,

webbing, seagulling, dogging.

Hey.

Can I have a beer?

My guitar has been stolen.

Bad luck.

That's got nothing
to do with it.

Should have gone home.

Taken the guitar home safe.

You lost a guitar,
but you found me.

What?

You can replace a guitar.

No, actually, I can't.

I can't just get another guitarthat I've had for 15 years.

Seen me through everything.

Every shit place I've
lived, every girl.

So no, I can't just
get another guitar.

You know, sometimes I
think I'm sick of it.

Living in shit
holes, being skint.

Being pissed all the time,waking up in the wrong--

I'm just sick of it.

Can I ask you something?

Do the four of you do
everything together?

Yeah, pretty much.

Because you are a coven?

Because we're friends.

And you live together.

You live together becauseyou're poor though, right?

Like really, really poor.

Or because you
actually enjoy it?

How does that work?

Do you all pay the
same, or does--

Shut up.

I'm about to lose
everything I care about.

And you want to know
how we split our bills?

OK.

Sorry.

Sorry.

You don't know the firstthing about friendship, do you?

All that money on
a posh education,

but they don't teach you how totreat people or about loyalty.

No, I don't suppose they do.

All right?

- Yeah.
- Sorry about yesterday.

It was me that you asked
to manage your store.

But hey, I don't know
what happened, sorry.

A bit late now,
Scouser, but thanks.

Did you find them?

No.

I did find out that me and Judehave got less in common than I

though.

It's all right, me and himdon't have nothing in common.

He supports Evan.
I support Liverpool.

It's a nightmare.

How'd you make it work?

Family.

If he was me mate,
I'd bitch him.

See ya later.

Thanks.

Remember me?

You attacked me yesterday,you little shit.

Did you think I wasgoing to let you go away?

Did you think I
was a little mouse?

Where you going?
- Just get out my way.

I'm not going to
run away anymore.

What are you going
to do about that?

Come on.

It's all your fault!

Fuck off!

I'm warning you.

I'm not scared of you.

Bloody bully!

Someone needs to
teach you a lesson!

Shit!

Do you see what you made me do!

I don't even know you!

I'm sorry!

Somebody paid me to mug you!

Diane, Howard, do sit down.

Allow me to introduce
you to India--

our very, very
talented new girl.

She is going to tell
you how we should

focus on the alternative
uses of mustard.

Excuse me one minute.

India.

So, mustard--

Shit, what hospital?

Well, is she going to be OK?

Excusez-moi, just one moment.

Yeah, I'm coming now.

What happened?

Grace is in hospital.

What?

Stella.

She got mugged yesterday.

We cast a spell to
boost her confidence,

and now she's got into a fight.

It's all our fault.

It's not your fault.

What?

Alexa, she paid for
someone to mug Grace.

She's trying to ruin
your anniversary.

She's obsessed with you.

Do you want me to come with you?

I'm warning you,
stay away from me.

What about the pitch?

I don't give a shit.

My friend is in hospital.

Excuse me, could youtell me where CDU is please?

Thanks.

Since I've
been here I've learned

a lot about advertising, buteven more about friendship.

I'm not a great advertiser.

I'm not even a great person.

But with some good
friends, I could be.

And
without real friends,

your life is utterly
and completely empty.

There are some things wedo which on our own we like--

but with our friends, we love.

I really, really wish I
had friends like this.

Janet, I think I should letyou complete the presentation.

OK, so
you can't make it.

What's the point
of being witches

if you need all four of youconscious to do anything?

Not to worry.

This is a nightmare.

OK, great.

Thank you.

I'll, um-- I'll give them a try.

The witches of Brighton andEpping Forest can't make it.

I'm going to try the
Cricklewood girls now.

- Is she OK?- What the fuck do you care!

This is all your fault!
- Leave it!

Leave it.

Just go, yeah?

OK, Jude.

How is she?

Just running some tests.

Is Grace your water element?

Excuse me, could you giveus some privacy, please?

We'd like to pray.

We'll use this.

That must have cost a fortune.

OK, healing
spell-- wolf blood,

virgin soil, green
nettle, yellow nettle,

and cat's bit of fur.

OK.

We hold hands.

Spirit gracious,
hear our cries.

Heal our
sister as she lies.

Spirit mighty, use your power.

Bring light to our darkest hour.

Where's all the
flashing lights?

Hi.

How is she?

Yeah, she's fine.

Thank you.

You know, you don't
have to stay if--

Yeah, I know.

How did the pitch go?

They were loving it.

I used yours.

Thank you.

I reckon you'll
get the ketchup.

Stella, can I ask a favor?

Hello.

I love it.

I'm here.

Merry meet.

Merry meet, darling.

How's operation Sack St--

Going well, actually.

What is she doing here?

She here for support.

I'm-- Alexa, I'm
leaving the coven.

Tits bombshell.

Major shock and awe.

You can't leave.

We'll be lame.

You already are.

I forbid you, sweetie.

Who do you think you are?

Gandalf?

We'll totes bad mouth
you all over town.

Complete trash fest.

Name, gutter,
serious draggage.

No change there, then.

Knock yourselves out.

Ciao, girls.

Ciao-- bitch!

You'll find a new coven.

A couple of BFFs will do me.

- just outside your flat,the green wheelie bin--

you might want to
take a look inside.

Au Revoir, Stella.

That was for Grace.

These were outside in the bin.

Our t-shirts.

And this.

The bitches of Kensington weremessing us around all along.

What?

They were trying
to break us up--

getting Grace mugged,
nicking your stuff

and Gerry's guitar as well.

So it wasn't my fault, ha!

Was that all?

Now we can just go
back to how it was.

Merry anniversary.

Jude, I've got an idea.

We accessorize these, nowthis becomes the designer line

and all the others
are the diffusion.

See?

I like it.

Who wants to give me a hand?

Been doing this a lot.

Someone should give
it back to him.

You'll-- probably
see him before I do.

Stew is probably ready.

Thanks.

Happy anniversary.

I'm sorry.

That is disgusting.