Superwog (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Lump - full transcript

[theme music playing]

What do you think?

That's a lump.

Yeah, so was yours.

-Mine wasn't a lump, it was a bump.
-So?

They're two completely different things.

What are you talking about?

When a doctor says you have a bump,
it could be anything.

But a lump, that's always bad.

-Are you hearing yourself talk?
-When is a lump ever good? When?

When a girl gets pregnant,
they call it a baby bump,



not a baby lump.

Off milk is never bumpy milk,
it's lumpy milk.

Well, what about a lump of sugar?
That's good.

A lump of sugar gives you diabetes,
that's bad.

-You're an idiot.
-I didn't just make this up.

This is generally accepted
medical knowledge.

It's basically common sense.

Fuck it, I'm gonna search the Internet.

The Internet? Are you nuts?

I don't know if this is some sick game

you're playing with me,
but I'm not falling for it.

I'm going to do my own research.

Trust me, that's a bad idea.

You should only trust
peer-reviewed medical journals.



"Lump on stomach…"

-Would you say it's about 1 centimeter?
-Yeah.

"1 centimeter in length."

-Is a soft or hard?
-I'd say medium.

Yeah, medium.

What? What's it say?

What happened?

-Take me to the hospital.
-What, but…

Take me to the fucking hospital!

Sit down and we will call you
when a doctor is free.

But I'm dying!

[sighs] How are you dying?

I've got a lump
the size of a macadamia nut

and according to the Internet,
I've got one day to live,

so get me a fucking doctor!

Oh, the Internet.

That's the last place
you should have gone to.

See, I told you!

I tried to tell him but
he never listens to me.

Oh, the Internet is full of the garbage
opinions of unqualified idiots.

Do not trust anything you've read.

Believe me, I told him searching on Google
will lead to nothing but problems.

Google?

We need to get you a doctor right now.

-What? Why?
-You should have told me it was Google.

Of course I searched on Google.

Where the fuck else am I gonna search?

You could have searched on Bing.

Bing? Nobody uses Bing!

Are you kidding?

Every day, millions of people use Google

to prove other people
who don't use Google wrong.

If Google says you have
one day left to live,

well, I'm sorry, I have to take
that very seriously.

Ah! What do you think?

Wow!

It's brand-new.

This is Olympic sized,
the best in the market. [chuckles]

Didn't you have one?

A long time ago, yes.

That's right. I remember,
you got it from, uh, rubbish collection.

[all laugh]

He's obsessed with rubbish.

[all laugh]

It was council collection.

This is brand-new, not rubbish.

You already said that.

Okay, Dad, we better leave now.

No, we will have a game first. Come on.

No, it's okay. Let's go.

First to 11, quick game. You want to play?

Yes, I will play.

Okay, but you have to promise
no vomiting, huh?

[all laugh]

Keep him away from the seafood.

I don't want my new table to be ruined.

[all laughing]

Go easy on him, honey.

[chuckles]

Why go easy, why?

10-2, my way.

10-2, my way, you hear me?

Yes, I fucking heard you. Serve.

Don't be rude to my dad, you idiot.

I'm not rude. I heard him the first time.

He's just telling you the score.

Ah, he's jealous.

-Me jealous?
-It's not easy to admit, don't worry.

-Go, honey!
-Go, honey!

Yes!

How do you like that, huh? [chuckles]

-Let's go again.
-That's enough, honey.

I want to go again.

Listen to your wife.

That's enough playtime for you,
little boy.

Stop it, Dad. Come on, honey,
come on. Come on.

It's a bump.

Really?

This is without a doubt a bump.

You've got nothing to worry about.

-How sure are you?
-I'm positive.

[sighs in relief]

You don't understand, I thought
I only had one day to live.

No, no, go next door,
they'll take some blood

and we'll get the lump cleared
in just a tick.

What?

The blood test, it's just next door.

Yeah, but you called it a lump.

-No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did.

No, I did not.

Listen, I didn't come here for my hearing,

I know what I heard
and you called it a lump.

I have a speech impediment.

-What?
-I swap my "L's" and "B's."

Sometimes.

So when you called it a bump
the first time, you really meant lump?

No, I called it a bump and I meant bump.

I said "sometimes."

Okay, I want you to listen to me
very carefully.

Is this a lump or a bump?

-It's a bump.
-Okay, are you sure?

Yes, 100% not a lump.

Don't say lump. I don't
wanna fucking hear that word.

It's a bump.

-Yes, it's a lump.
-What?

-I swapped the letters on that one.
-Fuck it! Fuck it!

Are you nervous?

Yes. I'm not good with needles.

We'll look after you.

We've got a highly capable trainee doctor

who'll be doing your blood test
this morning.

Hi, I'm Dr. Steve.

Steve? What are you doing here?

I'm a trainee doctor now.

What the fuck? I don't want him to do it.

-Sorry?
-I know this guy. He's dodgy.

I went to school with him
since kindergarten.

He's always cutting up things.
He's fucked.

How dare you?

Stephen worked very hard
to get where he is.

But I know him.
His degree is definitely fake.

Have you checked it?
There's no way he's taking my blood.

Typical! He's happy to accept
Australian medical treatment,

but won't respect the education
process that sustains it.

Look, I've had a rough morning

and I just really don't feel like
being a guinea pig right now, okay?

Unbelievable!

The future of our country lies right here!

Pitiful! Fucking pitiful!

Okay, fine, go for it, Steve.

What?

He missed the vein.

Okay, I'm not really comfortable
with him anymore. Can you do it?

No, let him go again. You threw him off.

How? How did I throw him off?

Okay, that's enough, Stephen.

He's missed again, unfortunately.

-Get away from me.
-Let me try one more time.

Steve, listen to me.

Put the fucking syringe down!

"Go easy." I could have destroyed him.

I was a world champion.

Champion of what? Eating without chewing?

I should have put more pressure
on his backhand.

What do you want for dinner?

-Honey, what do you want?
-I do not want dinner!

-I want to play him again!
-No.

For once, everything went well.
It was a perfect visit.

Perfect visit, my ass!

Besides, he wins everything.

Everything he does, he wins.

-Everything?
-Yes, everything.

[Mum shrieks]

-What are you doing?
-He will not win against me!

Turn around! Turn the car around!

I will destroy him! I will finish him!

Let's play again.

-No.
-Why not?

I don't feel like beating you again.

[scoffs] I need a real challenge.

-I was playing easy.
-So was I.

Okay, then we both play at maximum.

Uh… No.

I will destroy you!

Give me another chance!

-Honey, stop.
-Destroy me?

I think I will go inside and have a nap.

-$300 on the winner.
-[gasps]

-Oh, no.
-300?

-500.
-Deal.

Honey!

Get us some drinks. [chuckles]

What happened?

You fainted during the blood test
and hit your head.

But, great news,
you're all clear and ready to go.

I'm all clear, as in there's
nothing wrong with me?

-Yep.
-So I'm not gonna die?

Die from excitement maybe.

It was just a small concussion,
you're all good.

Concussion? What about the lump?

-The lump?
-Yes! The lump.

There's nothing about a lump in your file.

What file? I'm fucking telling you,

I've got a lump, that's why I came
here in the first place.

-Oh.
-Oh!

Did you get the results
from my blood test or not?

-I don't know.
-What do you mean you don't know?

Sorry, it… It could have been forgotten.

Forgotten?

Am I in Australia
or a third world country here?

How in the fuck do you just forget
about a lump?

What seems to be the problem?

Uh, I'll tell you what seems
to be the problem.

You fuckers can't do your job properly.

Found it! Found the blood test results.

Sorry about that,
there must've been a mix-up.

What? What is it?

[sobbing]

I am so, so sorry.

I just, I just can't.

No, no, no, no, help! Help!
I don't want to die!

Somebody please help me!

-Please, somebody--
-Give me that!

Everybody calm down!

She's going through a break-up,
when she saw her ex-boyfriend's name

at the top of your results,
she broke down.

Wait, the doctor who swaps "L" and "B"?

-Yeah, that's her ex-boyfriend.
-Oh, my God.

She's absolutely devastated as well.
Really wrecked.

-Horrible break-up.
-Yeah. What about the results?

-Oh, they're inconclusive.
-That's all you've got?

Yeah, inconclusive, we'll have to operate.

Fucking 15 years of study,

billions of dollars of equipment,
inconclusive.

What kind of bullshit is that?

Is it a lump or a bump,
can you tell me that?

-What?
-Is it a bump or a lump?

-Tell me.
-Why?

Because lumps are bad and bumps are not.

"Lumps are bad and bumps are not."
What about measles?

What about chickenpox, huh?

Both of those give you bumps,
you little self-entitled prick.

Now, there's a lot of things the
medical profession is ignorant of

but we have come a long way

since the days of drilling holes
in heads to cure headaches.

Even though I'd absolutely love
to be doing that to you.

Now grow up, go outside,

and wait until we're ready to operate
on you, you fucking dickhead.

You can't speak to me like that.
I'm gonna complain.

Who to?

-I'm the top, mate.
-You're the top?

Yeah, I'm the top,
I'm the fucking head, mate.

Check me out, I'm in all the papers.

Now get the fuck out of my office
and wait until we're ready to operate!

-I really thought it was true.
-It's not.

I swear I read an article

called "Lumpy Milk:
Why a Lump Means You're Dead."

Shut up! Shut up!

You put that in my head
and ruined my whole day, okay?

You're stupid.
The theory is wrong and stupid!

What are they doing?

They're gonna operate on me.
They're removing it.

Listen. There's something
I want to talk to you about.

What?

You know, you're going into an operation,

they're gonna put you to sleep.

I think now is the time for you to reflect

on the things that matter in your life.

Are you really doing this?

To ask yourself, do I want to be
leaving loved ones tangled in debt?

Look, let's just say you die,
I'm not saying you will,

but let's just say you do…

-Can I have your bike?
-No.

-Why not?
-Because it's my bike.

I know, but how can it be yours
if you're dead?

I can still own it, can't I?

Nah. Being dead kind of gets
in the way of owning things.

It gets in the way of most things, really.

Okay, fine, you can have the bike, happy?

-Do you mind writing it down?
-Why are you doing this?

Because a written declaration
is a legal document.

It's all good for you
to just say it's mine,

but without written evidence,
does it mean anything?

God knows how many people want your bike

or who might challenge me for ownership.

Your neighbors. Their kids.

Fuck, even worse, your parents!

Okay, fine, get me a pen and paper!

"I Theo will give to Johnny…"

-"The bike!"
-"The bike."

"In the event of my death."

"In the event of my death."

"No matter what I say, even while dying."

"No matter what I say, even while dying."

"Even in severe agony, my words will…"

Fuck off, Johnny! Fuck off!

Do I get the bike?

[grunts]

8-9, my way.

Did you hear me? 8-9, my way.

I know, I heard you!

I just wanted to make sure that it
got through to your deaf old head.

[laughs]

8-10.

Oh, no. I think you are in a big trouble.

[laughs]

Get me a towel.

I will serve this ball and you will miss.

Serve.

But I am telling you,
I will serve and you will miss.

Ahhh!

This is the power of hypnosis.

You fucking loser.

Honey, stop, stop it.

You do not win at everything, you idiot.

Give me my money!

Let's play again.

-No.
-Why not?

Because I want real challenges.

Okay, I will bet the table.

-[gasps]
-My God, what are you doing?

I will bet this brand-new Olympic table.

Don't listen to him, honey.

What do you say?

The air conditioner
has to be exactly 21 degrees.

-Done.
-And I want a jug of ice-cold water.

Get it for him.

May the best man win!

Don't worry, we'll put you to sleep
and you won't feel a thing.

Who's going to do the…

Our anesthetist.

-What's it like?
-It's like nothing.

Like… A void of nothingness.

Almost like being dead. [chuckles]

I mean… Sorry,
it's nothing like being dead,

I didn't mean "dead."

-Sorry, I've had a long day.
-It's all right, Liz.

Don't worry, mate.
You're starting to go now.

Hey, Steve, great to have you here.

-Hey.
-I saw your university transcript.

-I'm blown away.
-Thanks.

Our trainee doctor, Steve,
will be helping me this afternoon.

Mate, my hand's hurting a bit. Can
you take over and I'll direct you?

Yeah, is the knife big?

Are you all right with that, Theo?

Just move your eyes
if you're okay with this.

-Yeah, he moved there, didn't he?
-Yeah.

Yeah, he moved, he's okay with it.

I'm gonna go out and get a sandwich.
I'll be back in a minute.

-Are you coming?
-Yep.

[door closes]

Ha! You take that. 6-4, my way.

Yes!

-Take that, you idiot.
-Net.

-Net, what?
-Net!

-That did not hit the net.
-Yes, it did.

-Yes, it did.
-It hit the net.

-Go, honey!
-Shut up!

Argh!

-7-4.
-Hit to his forehand.

-You stupid woman, get out of here!
-Why?

I cannot concentrate

with your stupid voice in my ear!

What's happening to you?

-You too!
-What did you say?

-I said get out!
-Hey!

Don't you tell my wife to get out.

But my wife is get out too!
My wife is get out!

I don't care! You, you stay here.

Okay, you don't get out,
you stay here too!

7-6.

-[groans]
-7-7.

Time-out.

I want a time-out.

-Argh!
-Yes, yes.

Match point.

My service.

You must be very disappointed.

I am.

But nowhere near the disappointment I felt

when my daughter told me
who she was marrying.

[gasps]

[both grunt]

Yes!

You fucking loser!

Give me the table.

This is my table, you fucking loser!

You're good to go. All done.

Really? The lump, it's all clear?

Yeah. Yeah, nothing wrong,

just an unusual cyst. Rare, but nothing.

Okay, but I want to know,
why was Steve at my operation?

-Steve?
-Yeah, he walked in

as soon as I got the general anesthetic.

It must have be an hallucination
caused by the general.

But I'm positive it was him, I saw him.

You can get some very vivid
hallucinations under general.

Now, go out there
and live your life, mate.

You're done and all clear.

Thank you, Doctor.

Ha-ha!

I'm all clear, baby!

See you later, you sick bastards!

[yells]

-Hey, Liz?
-Yeah.

This Steve guy, his degree, it says
he went to Sydney University,

but on the transcript, it says
University of Kazakhstonia.

-[Liz] Kazakhstonia?
-Huh.

Is that even a real country?

[upbeat dance music playing on stereo]

Hello!

I thought about it and the table
is of no use to me anymore.

So I thought I'd call you
to see if you want it

before someone else gets it.

It is junk to me so you can take it.

It's a $6,000 table.

Yes, it's yours.

He's sick in the head honey, don't worry.

Go on, take it.

And when you put it back
in your home, you fucking idiot,

you will always know,
you got it from council collection.

[theme music playing]

-[Steve] Yeah, is the knife big?
-[all laughing]

-I have a speech impediment.
-What?

[all laugh]

I swap my "L's" and "B's."

[all laughing]

-Why a lump means you're dead.
-[both laughing]

So you know those fake Nikes
I put up on eBay?

-Yeah.
-I sold them for 50 bucks

to a guy who lives down the road.

Since when did you become a scam artist?

Yeah, mate, listen, I'm Superwog.

I actually sold you the shoes you got on.

Ahhh! Help, help!

Please, I'm sorry, forgive me!

-I'll never do this again.
-Shut up!

Underworld fakes dealer Ming is one
of the country's most-wanted men.

This morning, I was a free man,
and now, thanks to you,

I'm working for the fucking police!

-I'll get you!
-[laughs]