Superwog (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Something Fishy - full transcript

[theme music playing]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Hey, we better help her.

Johnny?

Here, give it to me.

Thank you. Thank you. You're very kind.

No worries, I'll get the ones
in the boot as well.

Enrico, my husband,
he passed away a month ago.

Oh, I'm very sorry.

Since he dead, I am all alone.



I have nobody.

Oh, okay, you have a good day, uh?

One moment.

Take.

Very nice Swedish biscuit.

Make sure you give to your
friend Johnny, too, huh?

It's fine, honestly.

No, please take, I have to repay you.

Please take.

You are very kind boy.

-What the hell's that?
-She gave me biscuits.

-Oh my God.
-What?

You just had to get something
in return, didn't you?

Can't just help someone
for nothing, can you?



She gave it to me. I couldn't say no.
She's a widow.

How is it that someone gives us biscuits,

and you somehow see that as a problem?

You've started an exchange.

I'm going to have to give
the tin back to her now.

-No, you don't, it's just rubbish.
-Rubbish?

Tins are like fucking
Pokemon to anyone over 60.

What are you talking about?

If I don't return it,
she'll start asking for it.

I don't want to owe her shit!

How do you have the heart to just
walk right past someone in need?

She has a caretaker, she's just off today.

You couldn't help her just this once?

I did that. I did that.

And you know what happened?

I became the unofficial caretaker

and I had to take out her bins
every now and then.

Can you believe that shit?
That is way too much responsibility.

Wow.

And I'm sorry to say this,
but her husband,

as dead as he is now,
was a fucking arsehole.

Oh, my God.

He used to eyeball me,
made me very uncomfortable.

Do you know how hard it is to have a dude
just sit there all day and stare you out?

My self-esteem, gone.

There's something very fishy
about this person.

No, no! What the fuck are you doing?

-Don't eat that!
-Why not?

You never eat biscuits from old people.
Haven't you learnt?

Old people don't like expiry dates.

They ignore expiry dates
left, right and center.

Yeah, you're right, my grandma
does the same thing. Why is that?

Because expiry dates remind them
of their own fast-approaching expiry date.

Johnny, you need help.

I'm going to go drop it off,
but you need to speak to someone.

Just go and give the tin back.

[chuckling]

How did you go?

Ten hours of fishing and we got one tuna.

Very small.

One or ten tuna, as long
as we got tuna, I am happy.

One tuna?
I'm surprised you didn't get more.

Yeah, I know.

It must've been bad luck.

Okay, how do you want us to prepare it?

Make him Japanese-style.

No. Put him in the freezer.

-Why?
-I will eat him another day.

You will eat him?

But I want to eat him now.

I don't feel like tuna.

But I feel like tuna.

-Prepare him.
-No.

-I don't want it now.
-Okay.

-Cook my half.
-[father-in-law] No.

Both halves are mine.

Don't touch that tuna.

But I caught it.

On my boat.

My boat, my house, my tuna.

You will not eat tuna today.

You think you can control
when and when I cannot eat tuna?

Oh, my God, every time they go
on that bloody boat they fight.

My house, my rules.

I do not need your stupid boat
or your stupid rod, you idiot.

I will be back with a tuna
and I will eat it here in front of you.

No, you will not.

Yes, I fucking will!

[scoffs]

You finish them all already?

Yeah, the biscuits were
very nice, thank you.

Why you come back?

To give me tin?

Yeah, I thought you wanted it back.

Don't be stupid, this is rubbish.

Did you give the biscuits to Johnny?

Yeah, yeah.

You really like them?

Oh, yes, mwah!
Beautiful, bellissima biscuit.

You are bellissima.
You have a nice day, uh?

Oh, are you okay?

Enrico used to say the exact same thing.

He used to talk so much before.

-Before what?
-He no talk.

-No talk?
-He could not talk.

Why, did you have a fight?

No. [laughing] Mute.

Oh, mute.

Yes, yes.

I'm so sorry.

All he would do is sit
and stare like this.

Like this, all he do.

He used to love my food.

Just like you.

You are very talented.

His favorite dish.

I give to you.

-No, I couldn't.
-It is okay.

You are very special.

No, thanks, honestly.

Okay. Yeah, okay.

What the fuck is this?

I had to accept it.

-Oh, mate.
-She didn't want the tin.

She called it rubbish.

She thought we liked the biscuits
so much we wanted more.

This one's your fault.

And guess what?

Her arsehole husband, he was mute.
That's why he just stared you out.

-Mute?
-Yes, you cruel fuck.

Well, he could have been more
polite about his staring.

-What?
-It wasn't exactly a soft gaze, okay?

It was a harsh, judgmental
and degrading stare.

Oh, my God.

Why do you have to come to my street
and start helping people? Huh? Why?

Go and help people in your street.

I don't have a poor old Swedish widow
on my street, do I?

If I did, I'd help them.

Let's just eat, okay?

There's no harm in trying it.

Maybe it's nice food.

[sniffs]

Ugh, what the fuck?

Take it out, take it out of the house!

Ugh!

No, don't put it in the bin. [retches]

Out of the house, take it to the backyard!

[groaning]

-Double-bag it!
-What?

-Double-bag it! Use two bags!
-Give me gloves.

Ugh!

-Spray it, don't just leave it.
-Why aren't you helping?

This isn't my problem,
this is your problem!

-All this is your problem!
-Fuck off!

Fuck off!

Tuna.

No, I want the whole thing.

This is tuna.

I know it is.

But I want whole thing,
swimming, catch, whole tuna.

Fillet only.

No fillet, whole fish.

We only sell fillets.

You can get a tuna at the wholesale
auction, they're over there.

[auctioneer] All right, ladies and
gentlemen, taking bids, taking bids.

We're at $50 for a fine-looking tuna.

-150.
-[auctioneer] 150.

-200.
-$200.

-250.
-250.

-300.
-300!

-310.
-310.

-500.
-$500.

-510.
-Big jump there.

-800.
-$800.

Going, going

-801.
-900.

900. Vicious bidding here,
ladies and gentlemen.

Stop it. Stop it, you idiot.

901.

-2,300.
-$2,300, ladies and gentlemen!

Enough. Take your stupid tuna.
I do not want it.

This delicious tuna was plucked
from the crisp waters of the Pacific,

perfect for anyone who wants to eat it,

even out of spite.

Especially in front of someone who
tries to control your eating habits.

$2,350.

-No.
-Sold.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay.

I will give you the address
and you will deliver him.

We'll get it over to you tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?
-4:00 p.m. at the latest.

No, I need it today.

Our delivery guy's off,
you'll get it tomorrow.

No, give him to me.

We have to prepare it!

Prepare him for what? For what, you idiot?

Mate, it's 30 degrees outside.

Do no try to convince me
to take care of my tuna.

You are a scam.

It's called surströmming.

It's fermented Baltic herring,
very popular in Sweden.

How can anyone eat
pure rotten fish like that?

It's a celebratory dish.

Something good happens,
so you go out and eat rotten fish?

How does that work?

This has gone too far.
I'm gonna give it back to her.

Give it back to her, but don't knock
on the door this time.

We need to have zero interaction.

-Yeah, you're right.
-You can't let her see you.

Just go and drop it off
at the front door. That's it.

-[door opens]
-Oh, hello!

Ah! You must be the lovely boy that
helped Agnes with her shopping?

Uh, yeah.

Wow, you sure finished that quickly.

Yeah, very tasty.

Are you sure you're not part Swedish?

Yeah, I'm sure.
Anyway, take care, see you.

I really want to thank you.

You've really turned things
around for Agnes.

All of her medical worries are gone.

She's vibrant, bubbly, happy,
you've even made her knees better.

I made her knees better?

My favorite boy!

She's just a different person.
No worries in the world,

thanks to your kindness.

It's all because you're kind
enough to eat her food.

It is as simple as that.
She loves cooking for people.

Ever since Enrico died, she lost purpose.

Thanks to you,
she's found her purpose again.

For you.

[speaks Swedish]

She says she sees her
husband in your eyes.

[speaks Swedish]

Enrico's spirit lives in you.

What happened?

She thinks I'm her fucking dead
husband reincarnated!

Get this pot out of my house!

Okay, can I just stay here
to fucking think about it?

No, get it out!

Okay, look, maybe I can persuade her
to start making me

something else that's Swedish,
like Swedish meatballs.

Swedish meatballs?

Yeah, IKEA have them.

People go there just for their food.
Have you been?

Why the fuck would I go
to a furniture store for food? Why?

What am I supposed to do with it?

I don't care. It's not staying here.

Why can't you help me?
Why are you so unhelpful?

Because you're a fucking idiot,
that's why!

No I'm not. I'm doing the right thing.

I've cured all her sicknesses.

I'm being charitable.

You, charitable?

You don't have a charitable bone
in your body.

You're the opposite of charitable.

All you do is cause
misery and pain to people.

-Wow.
-Get it out!

Okay, fine.

Where are you going?

I'm going to feed it to the seagulls.

See? That's not a bad idea, is it?

You see, I've passed on positive
energy back into the universe.

-No, you haven't.
-Yes, I have.

I'm doing the world a favor, now,
through my kindness.

No, you're not.

Feeding animals robs them
of the hunting skills needed to survive.

Okay.

So, no, you're not only
corrupting the animal,

but the entire ecosystem.

You can't even pretend to support me, eh?

It's like there's something
in your brain that makes you

a piece of shit 100% of the time.

Man, fuck you!

Done. Problem solved.

I have an endless rubbish tip.

It's called nature.

-[Dad on phone] Come and get me!
-Hello?

Yes, can you hear me?

Why are you screaming?

I have tuna, come and get me.

No, do not get him.

I can't, honey.

Don't speak to my daughter like this.

Give me my wife. Give her to me.

[hangs up]

-[whistles nonchalantly]
-Stop right there.

You're not getting on with that thing.

But he needs to be air-conditioned.

Yeah, nah, get off.

I have a right to use public transport.

You do, the tuna doesn't.

Okay, I will pay for his ticket,
concession only.

Get off, right now.

I demand that you take me.

No. Get off.

[passengers protesting]

[man] Fucking arsehole!

Fucking move, brah.

-What's going on?
-Unbelievable, isn't it?

To think we live in a society
where people go around

poisoning innocent birds.

Makes me sick.

How do you know they've been poisoned?

Fifteen seagulls all die at the same time,
in the same spot?

They've been poisoned.

No, no, no,
I saw this on David Attenborough.

This is a natural event.

Yeah, this is the great seagull death
migration of the Southern Hemisphere.

Happens once every four to five years.

So they all flew here to die together?

Yeah, nature's fucked like that.

What about the dead ibis?

Okay, nah, that might've been poisoned,
but the seagulls? That's natural.

We need to confirm this with an autopsy.
Are there autopsies for animals?

Yes, they're called necropsies,
the veterinary hospital does it.

Great.

Don't you think we should bury them
and let them rest in peace?

No, I think we need to know who did this.

I mean, sometimes it's better not to know.

Maybe it's meant for us not to know.

Why do you care so much, mate? Why?

You think it's okay for birds
to be poisoned, do you?

-No.
-So what do you think we should do, then?

I think we should get the autopsy done.

Right, so do we.

Call them.

Yeah, you idiots.

It's true, killing seagulls has
a maximum 15 years in prison.

Fifteen years, how?

Where do you think we are?
We're not in Cairo.

This is Australia.

Dogs have access
to anti-anxiety medication.

I gave them fish! It was just fish!

Fermented, rotten, salty,
dirty, disgusting fish,

yes, and it killed the seagulls.

So you're gonna give yourself up.
Let's go to the police.

Nah, nah, I'm okay. You know why?

I never touched the pot with my hands.

I held it only with paper towels,
which I threw away.

My DNA is nowhere on that pot.

They'll trace it back to her,
the dumb-arse.

I'm not going to prison, she is.

-Are you kidding me?
-What?

What happened to your kindness?

What, I'm still being kind.

You killed 15 seagulls, an ibis

and you're about to put an innocent
old lady in maximum security prison.

How is that being kind to her?

Okay, that might seem bad,
but is it really?

I'm young, okay?
I've got a life to live ahead of me.

What, she's got five years, max?

Maybe prison isn't so bad for her.
Free meals and accommodation.

It's basically a budget nursing home!

And, look, most importantly,
it might give her the sense

of purpose she's looking for.

-That's fucked! You're a bad person!
-No, I'm not!

You're gonna have to live with the guilt
of imprisoning an innocent old lady.

I reckon I could handle that!

You call me cruel, but you're the
cruelest person I've ever met in my life.

[siren wailing]

Go and give yourself up!

Hey! Hey!

-Step back!
-It's not her fault!

Stay the fuck back!

[spits]

What the hell?

Shh!

[shivering] You say one thing
and I will kill you.

Do not worry about me.

Just keep browsing, my friend,
and do not say a word.

You do realize there's a man
in there with a massive tuna?

Hello.

I am looking for Pernod.

Cut the crap, mate,
and get the fish out of here.

-What fish?
-Get it out!

You fucking idiot.

Can I leave it in here
for five more minutes?

No, you've bloody stunk up the store. Out!

-No, not coming in here! Move.
-No.

-Please, have mercy on me!
-No!

[grunting]

Yeah!

Nobody stop me eat!
Nobody stop me from eat!

I'm the one who fed the seagulls.

Yes, she made the fucked-up food,
but I fed it to them.

She's being charged with murder.

No, no, I'm the one who should be
charged with murder.

I'm the one who killed the birds, not her.

No, you fucking idiot, she's being charged
with the murder of her mute husband.

What?

She's been feeding him
expired food for years,

against his will,
despite all his written pleas.

Apparently, he was trying to use his
eyes to communicate with people.

Oh, my God!

So, wait, all this time
he just needed some help,

and he was totally ignored?

Yep. Oh, don't feel bad, mate.

Lucky you didn't eat her biscuits.
She was trying to get at you, too.

-What?
-They were laced with cyanide.

She wanted to kill you
for not taking in her bins.

Now get out of here!

Well, what about the seagulls?
Wasn't the fish poisonous?

No, surströmming,

as much as it stinks, it's actually
a celebratory dish in Sweden.

So how did they die?

What are you talking about?

It's the great seagull migration
death of the Southern Hemisphere.

Happens every four or five years.
It's quite fascinating, really.

Whoa, are you serious?

Of course I'm not serious,
you fucking idiot.

They all had high blood pressure
to begin with

from the hot chips they've been eating.

And the salt from the
surströmming took them over.

Now get out of here!

[mockingly] Seagull migration.

[conversing indistinctly]

[groans softly]

Where is your tuna? [laughs]

I knew you couldn't do it.

Nobody disobeys me in my house.

-Nobody.
-[groans]

I ate tuna.

50 kilogram of tuna.

I don't believe you.

You know why?

Because you are a liar.

You said you will eat it in front of me.

I couldn't.

[laughs]

You are a liar.

You follow my rules in my house.

I do?

Yes.

[groans]

[retching]

50 kilogram of Pacific Ocean tuna,
you idiot.

You will clean it!

You will clean everything!

[groans]

Ugh!

How dare you?

Every time we come, we fight!

[screams]

[groans]

[theme music playing]

[speaks Swedish]

[laughs]

It's not a bad idea, is it?

-Where you going?
-No [laughs]

[all laughing]

[laughs]

You idiot.

[laughing]

-What do you think?
-That's a lump.

-What's it say?
-Take me to the fucking hospital!

-Ah!
-Wow.

Didn't you have one?

-Yes.
-You got it from rubbish collection.

[Mum laughing]

How do you like that, huh?

I'm not good with needles.

-Hi.
-What the fuck?

-I'm Dr. Steve.
-I don't want him to do it.

-Go, honey!
-Go, honey!

Yes!

I don't want to die!
Somebody please help me!