Superwog (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Magpie - full transcript
Superwog and Johnny fear a menacing magpie will interfere with their friendship. When they learn the magpie is a protected species much loved by the neighbourhood, they must take more drastic measures to get rid of it.
[theme music playing]
-You got my cup?
-Yeah, here.
Did you wash it properly?
Not just a water dunk?
Me, water dunk? Who do you
think I am? That's disgusting!
All right, just checking.
Where are we going again?
7-Eleven.
Oh.
Hey, let's go to the other
servo on Stacey Street.
Nah, man.
The Slurpee machines are grot there.
Wait.
-Okay, why are you being a weird cunt?
-No, no, no.
You're stopping and starting
like you got OCD. What's going on?
-Okay, it's magpie season.
-What?
And down there, is a crazy magpie
that viciously attacks people!
-A magpie?
-Yes!
Yeah, I'm still going that way.
Wait, you can't!
That magpie's a fuckin' psychopath!
Really? How do you know?
I watched a 20-minute report
on A Current Affair!
If you think I'm gonna take
a ten-minute detour in 30-degree heat
to avoid a bird, you're fucking dreaming.
Now follow me and shut up!
[magpie chirping]
That's it there, see?
Yeah, okay.
See the way it's looking at us?
It's angry, I can tell!
I don't care!
Please, I'm begging you!
Can we go around?
I'll do anything!
I can't take it anymore!
-Oh, my God.
-What?
This is why you been calling me so much.
So you don't have to come over.
Fuck me dead.
What? You don't like our phone calls?
I do, but a good friendship needs balance.
And the phone calls are starting
to outweigh everything else.
-No, they're not.
-Yes, they are!
-Okay, maybe a little bit.
-A little bit?
I listened to you whistle
the Braveheart theme song
for 45 minutes last night!
[magpie chirping]
You see? You see?
It's all in your head. Come!
[magpie calls]
[Johnny] Watch out!
Don't run, it'll make it worse!
-[Superwog screaming]
-[Johnny] Not his eyes!
[Superwog] Get it away from me!
[man on radio] Magpies are out and about
during their breeding season
so keep your eyes safe,
get yourself a protective helmet.
Greg from Parklea has a cheap petrol tip.
Greg, how are you?
[Greg] Yeah, good, good.
Mate, I've just driven past
the servo on Old Windsor Road
and they're doing unleaded
for 70 cents a liter.
[man] 70 cents a liter?
You sure it wasn't a mistake?
[Greg] Yeah, no, no, I went in myself
and filled her right to the brim.
[man] 70 cents a liter?
That's gotta be the cheapest
for a while hasn't it?
[Greg] I can't even remember the last time
it was that cheap, mate.
Really. Must be some
political unrest in desert land.
[man] Well, there you go.
Parklea service station doing
unleaded for 70 cents a liter.
Get in and get your car filled up
before the long weekend.
-Where are the keys?
-Over there.
What's wrong with you? Where you going?
-To fill up the car.
-No, I filled it up this morning.
What? When? In Parklea?
No, the one just here.
You fucking idiot!
Why would you do that?
Because the tank was empty!
How much did you pay?
$1.50 a liter.
You stupid woman!
The one in Parklea have petrol
for 70 cents a liter.
I do not know how I married you!
How was I supposed to know?
Just give me the fucking receipt.
-What?
-Do you have the receipt or not?
Here.
I want a divorce!
[door slams]
This is bad.
Johnny, this is really bad.
I know, but we could always
just take that detour.
No, no, you don't get it, do you?
That one road down there,
you and I have been walking down
since we were kids.
Now for some reason, this fucking bird
has decided to move into the street.
That road doesn't just lead
to the servo, the supermarket
or even the post office.
It's our way to the rest of the world.
We detour that road
and we're detouring from ourselves.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Now, Johnny, I know that our
brains aren't much bigger
than these birds' brains.
Yours could even be smaller.
But there's two of us so there's
no reason why we can't solve this.
Aim for the nest.
Oi! Oi!
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
What? The magpie attacked me.
We're just trying to get it to move!
Great, so throw a rock at it?
-Typical!
-What?
Which one of you backward cunts
thought that up?
So what do we do, then?
Magpies are a protected species, mate.
There's a $10,000 on-the-spot fine
if you kill or maim one of those.
Only the council can move it!
What? Why is it protected?
It's native to this country,
it's a national icon
and it's a fucking beautiful songbird.
That's why!
But you two wouldn't know about that
because you're a pair
of ignorant fuckheads!
This thing almost took out my eye!
I'm the one that should be protected!
You? I wouldn't piss on you
if you were burning!
So you're happy to let this bird
attack innocent people?
Doesn't attack me, mate, does it? No!
Huh?
Because magpies only
attack specific people!
Why does it attack me, then?
Because you're a wanker!
-I'm a wanker.
-Yeah, you're a wanker.
And so's your mate. So piss off!
And if you lob one more bloody rock,
I'll come back and thump
the both of you! You got that?
Man, he smelt like piss.
So you want to return the petrol
that's already in your car?
Yes.
Because you're not happy with it?
Yes.
I know my rights here, idiots.
I sue the vacuum company
and the supermarket.
I'm crazy. I sue people for fun!
Just give him the refund.
He's not worth it.
What?
[chuckles] You fool.
I might look stupid, but my brain
is not more stupid than I am.
Get him the money.
Now, my friends, you can
accompany me and take your petrol.
[snickers]
[engine starting]
So weird.
You think that's weird?
Normally, he turns up,
buys nothing, takes a shit
and steals the wipes and toilet paper
along with the key.
That's weird.
We want to put in a complaint
about a menacing magpie.
Okay, where's the magpie's residence?
Its residence?
In a double brick bungalow.
What do you mean, its residence?
It lives in a fucking tree!
[Johnny] Sorry about my friend.
The magpie's residence
is a tree on Baker Street.
Thank you. What's its character like?
Its character.
It's an arsehole, that's what!
If you're going to use language
like that, you can come back another time.
Oh, my God. Okay, I'm sorry.
Okay, I've found him.
Let's take a look at his file.
The bird has a file, everybody.
We're opening the file.
His name is Keith.
And, look, he's a first-time father.
Okay, well, please take Keith, his kids
and the rest of his
bird family somewhere else.
No, unfortunately, we can't.
-Why not?
-It says here you two provoked it.
What are you talking about?
This morning, a man reported
that you threw rocks at it.
Yeah, we threw rocks because it
fucking stabbed me in the head!
Are you forgetting about that?
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
We can't move the bird but we can
give you these helmets.
Protects you from a swoop.
Works 100% of the time.
-Isn't that what cyclists wear?
-Yeah.
-Yeah, nah, we can't wear that.
-Why not?
One, we'll look like knobs.
Two, we'll get egged.
How do you know?
Look, love. It's just a rule of the world.
You wear that helmet, you get egged.
No questions asked.
I've been wearing it for years
and I've never been egged.
Yet. Yet!
You will eventually!
And if you don't, I'll make sure you do.
Wear it.
You'll be fine.
[magpies chirping]
Okay. Okay.
Maybe she's right. Maybe she's right.
Should we take them off?
Nah, I think the bird's cousin lives here.
[Superwog] No, no, no, no. What the hell?
No, what the-- [groaning] Not the head!
-Not the head, you gronks!
-[Johnny] Stop it!
[Superwog] Not the head!
[both groaning]
[kids laughing]
[kid] Good one!
Okay. Okay.
-Was it the helmet?
-Yep.
-No other reason?
-Nah, just the helmet.
Could this be a one-off thing,
like, can we wear it now
without another attack?
Nah. Every time you leave
the house with that helmet,
you're getting egged.
Okay. Well, that is the rule.
Till next time, knob jockey.
He called me a knob jockey.
Where the fuck are your parents?
That's $35.
Wow.
It's almost too good to be true, isn't it?
Yes.
Have a good day.
No, you have a good day, my friend.
-You right there?
-What are you doing?
70 cents a liter unleaded.
Getting reserves.
All these are your barrels?
Yep. Got ten of them.
I'm saving over 600 bucks!
How much are you saving?
$30.
[laughs]
I will do this also. Thank you.
-With that?
-Yes, why?
Come on, mate. Check the payload.
Payload?
Yeah, check how much weight
it can carry first.
Yeah, yeah. No worries, mate.
Have a good day, mate.
Yeah…
Okay, you remember when we shot down
the neighbor's front door?
-Yes.
-What was it that we used?
-A potato canon.
-You still know how to make one?
Yeah. Why?
I wanna to shoot that fucker.
I want it to explode into 100 pieces!
Why 100 pieces?
'Cause I want the other magpies
to look at it and go,
-"Far, that might happen to me!"
-It's a good idea.
But I don't think magpies have
that level of cognitive ability.
Okay, fine.
We'll write, "This is just
the beginning," in magpie blood.
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Wait! We can't go in at the same time.
We need to buy the parts separately
so they don't get suspicious.
Do you need any help there?
Uh… No, thanks.
They're great, those pipes.
Yes, they are great.
-Irrigating the garden, are we?
-Yep.
Well, we've got some stunning
pot plants if you're interested.
Pot plants?
Yes, the floribundas are half-price.
Did you want to take a look?
What the fuck is that?
The worker started asking questions.
I got nervous.
Oh, my God. I'm not paying for that.
That's your cost.
But it's a floribunda.
It has a seasonal-long bloom.
I don't give a fuck what it is.
I can't rely on you for anything, can I?
Now just wait here. Don't move.
What are you looking to do with that?
-What, this?
-Yeah.
Uh…
Re-plumbing the garden
irrigation system, are we?
Yep, sure am!
Nah, I don't think you are.
All right, look.
I'm making a giant bong.
-Fuck.
-Yeah.
You're gonna need a big cone.
Aisle four's your best bet.
What a legend.
[engine sputtering]
Come on! Come on, go!
Go, go, go!
[engine revs]
-[engine sputters out]
-No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
-[tires screech]
-[Dad grunts]
Are you all right?
No! The barrels are up there with my car!
-What?
-The barrels up there!
No, no, stop him!
He's taking my cheap petrol!
What? Cheap what? I can't hear you!
The barrels!
What did you say?
-I said, "Go and fuck yourself."
-How dare you!
Now you hear me? Go and fuck yourself!
Argh!
Fire in the hole!
[both] Wow!
At last, they're together.
Well, it's definitely working.
[magpie warbles]
[whistles] Cheers, my little buddy.
Okay, it's on target.
[fires]
What happened? Did we get it?
Well, I can see the nest,
but I can't see the magpie.
[screams]
-What was that?
-Uh-oh.
-What?
-We hit the old bloke.
Okay. I'm gonna be out
of touch for a few months.
Don't call me, email me,
nothing until the dust settles.
-Why are you giving it to me?
-I don't wanna get pinned.
-You get rid of it.
-You get rid of it! It was your idea.
-You built it!
-I don't care. I'm not doing it.
What are you talking about?
This whole thing's your fault!
My fault?
You wanted to move the magpie.
I was happy to stay at home
and talk on the phone.
Yeah? Well, guess what?
I fucking hate talking
on the phone to you!
-Yeah?
-And your whistling is out of tune, too!
That's not what Joe thinks!
Who's Joe? Who's Joe?
-He's my new pet fish!
-Really?
He fills the emotional gap
you've left in me!
You and me are finished!
Now break this or else
we'll end up in prison!
I don't care if I go to prison!
Because being friends with you
is already like being in prison!
-Yeah?
-Yeah!
[groaning]
All because of a stupid bird!
[Johnny muttering]
Ahh! You. Fucking…
Don't you ever come over again,
you hear me?
[man] He's over there!
I'm gonna throw this out to you!
Get on it and we'll pull you in!
But you have to let go of the barrel!
Never!
-What happened?
-We're out of petrol!
Well, flick on the reserve tank.
It is on!
Well, why the hell didn't
you check it before?
No, no!
There's a storm coming right this way!
I don't care!
Leave me!
I will take my chances!
Just get in the boat
like he said, fuckwit!
No!
Mate, what's in the barrel?
[engine sputters]
[engine sputters]
Okay. Okay.
Stupid piece of shit!
Fucking hate you!
Fucking piece of shit!
I'm sorry!
I didn't mean what I said before.
I like talking to you on the phone.
You talk about interesting things
and you have an interesting point of view.
I bought you a new Slurpee cup.
-Let's go.
-Hey, what happened to you?
Come, I'll show you.
No, no, you don't need that.
Trust me. Come.
Big old Keith, the maggot magpie,
has been evicted.
What the hell?
I chopped that fucker.
How?
I used my dad's chainsaw.
I just made sure to cut
only when a plane passed.
Wow!
I'm not going to let a bird
with a name like Keith
get in between you and me!
Come on.
Hey, where do you think that magpie went?
I got no idea.
You should have seen how hard he bitched.
This really was a case of man
triumphing over a magpie.
Wherever it goes, it's got a lot
of work to do rebuilding that nest.
[chuckles] Gronk.
[magpie warbles]
[magpie warbles]
[magpies warbling]
[theme music playing]
Just give me the fucking receipt!
[all laughing]
Did you wash it properly?
Not just a water dunk?
-Look at that, that's great.
-[laughs]
-That's great.
-I'm sorry. Fuck!
-What are you doing?
-That was…
Go back and do it properly.
-All right.
-That's it.
-Sorry about that.
-What a fucknut.
Hey, we better help her.
Give it to me.
Thank you, you're very kind.
-With the hell's that?
-She gave me biscuits.
You've started an exchange.
I will be back with a tuna
and I will eat it here in front of you!
No, you will not!
I give to you.
Yeah, okay.
What the fuck is this?
Maybe it's nice food?
-What the fuck?
-Take it out! Take it out of the house!
We're at $50 for a fine-looking tuna!
-900.
-Stop it, you idiot.
[siren wailing]
Go and give yourself up!
-Not coming in here!
-Move!
-You got my cup?
-Yeah, here.
Did you wash it properly?
Not just a water dunk?
Me, water dunk? Who do you
think I am? That's disgusting!
All right, just checking.
Where are we going again?
7-Eleven.
Oh.
Hey, let's go to the other
servo on Stacey Street.
Nah, man.
The Slurpee machines are grot there.
Wait.
-Okay, why are you being a weird cunt?
-No, no, no.
You're stopping and starting
like you got OCD. What's going on?
-Okay, it's magpie season.
-What?
And down there, is a crazy magpie
that viciously attacks people!
-A magpie?
-Yes!
Yeah, I'm still going that way.
Wait, you can't!
That magpie's a fuckin' psychopath!
Really? How do you know?
I watched a 20-minute report
on A Current Affair!
If you think I'm gonna take
a ten-minute detour in 30-degree heat
to avoid a bird, you're fucking dreaming.
Now follow me and shut up!
[magpie chirping]
That's it there, see?
Yeah, okay.
See the way it's looking at us?
It's angry, I can tell!
I don't care!
Please, I'm begging you!
Can we go around?
I'll do anything!
I can't take it anymore!
-Oh, my God.
-What?
This is why you been calling me so much.
So you don't have to come over.
Fuck me dead.
What? You don't like our phone calls?
I do, but a good friendship needs balance.
And the phone calls are starting
to outweigh everything else.
-No, they're not.
-Yes, they are!
-Okay, maybe a little bit.
-A little bit?
I listened to you whistle
the Braveheart theme song
for 45 minutes last night!
[magpie chirping]
You see? You see?
It's all in your head. Come!
[magpie calls]
[Johnny] Watch out!
Don't run, it'll make it worse!
-[Superwog screaming]
-[Johnny] Not his eyes!
[Superwog] Get it away from me!
[man on radio] Magpies are out and about
during their breeding season
so keep your eyes safe,
get yourself a protective helmet.
Greg from Parklea has a cheap petrol tip.
Greg, how are you?
[Greg] Yeah, good, good.
Mate, I've just driven past
the servo on Old Windsor Road
and they're doing unleaded
for 70 cents a liter.
[man] 70 cents a liter?
You sure it wasn't a mistake?
[Greg] Yeah, no, no, I went in myself
and filled her right to the brim.
[man] 70 cents a liter?
That's gotta be the cheapest
for a while hasn't it?
[Greg] I can't even remember the last time
it was that cheap, mate.
Really. Must be some
political unrest in desert land.
[man] Well, there you go.
Parklea service station doing
unleaded for 70 cents a liter.
Get in and get your car filled up
before the long weekend.
-Where are the keys?
-Over there.
What's wrong with you? Where you going?
-To fill up the car.
-No, I filled it up this morning.
What? When? In Parklea?
No, the one just here.
You fucking idiot!
Why would you do that?
Because the tank was empty!
How much did you pay?
$1.50 a liter.
You stupid woman!
The one in Parklea have petrol
for 70 cents a liter.
I do not know how I married you!
How was I supposed to know?
Just give me the fucking receipt.
-What?
-Do you have the receipt or not?
Here.
I want a divorce!
[door slams]
This is bad.
Johnny, this is really bad.
I know, but we could always
just take that detour.
No, no, you don't get it, do you?
That one road down there,
you and I have been walking down
since we were kids.
Now for some reason, this fucking bird
has decided to move into the street.
That road doesn't just lead
to the servo, the supermarket
or even the post office.
It's our way to the rest of the world.
We detour that road
and we're detouring from ourselves.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Now, Johnny, I know that our
brains aren't much bigger
than these birds' brains.
Yours could even be smaller.
But there's two of us so there's
no reason why we can't solve this.
Aim for the nest.
Oi! Oi!
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
What? The magpie attacked me.
We're just trying to get it to move!
Great, so throw a rock at it?
-Typical!
-What?
Which one of you backward cunts
thought that up?
So what do we do, then?
Magpies are a protected species, mate.
There's a $10,000 on-the-spot fine
if you kill or maim one of those.
Only the council can move it!
What? Why is it protected?
It's native to this country,
it's a national icon
and it's a fucking beautiful songbird.
That's why!
But you two wouldn't know about that
because you're a pair
of ignorant fuckheads!
This thing almost took out my eye!
I'm the one that should be protected!
You? I wouldn't piss on you
if you were burning!
So you're happy to let this bird
attack innocent people?
Doesn't attack me, mate, does it? No!
Huh?
Because magpies only
attack specific people!
Why does it attack me, then?
Because you're a wanker!
-I'm a wanker.
-Yeah, you're a wanker.
And so's your mate. So piss off!
And if you lob one more bloody rock,
I'll come back and thump
the both of you! You got that?
Man, he smelt like piss.
So you want to return the petrol
that's already in your car?
Yes.
Because you're not happy with it?
Yes.
I know my rights here, idiots.
I sue the vacuum company
and the supermarket.
I'm crazy. I sue people for fun!
Just give him the refund.
He's not worth it.
What?
[chuckles] You fool.
I might look stupid, but my brain
is not more stupid than I am.
Get him the money.
Now, my friends, you can
accompany me and take your petrol.
[snickers]
[engine starting]
So weird.
You think that's weird?
Normally, he turns up,
buys nothing, takes a shit
and steals the wipes and toilet paper
along with the key.
That's weird.
We want to put in a complaint
about a menacing magpie.
Okay, where's the magpie's residence?
Its residence?
In a double brick bungalow.
What do you mean, its residence?
It lives in a fucking tree!
[Johnny] Sorry about my friend.
The magpie's residence
is a tree on Baker Street.
Thank you. What's its character like?
Its character.
It's an arsehole, that's what!
If you're going to use language
like that, you can come back another time.
Oh, my God. Okay, I'm sorry.
Okay, I've found him.
Let's take a look at his file.
The bird has a file, everybody.
We're opening the file.
His name is Keith.
And, look, he's a first-time father.
Okay, well, please take Keith, his kids
and the rest of his
bird family somewhere else.
No, unfortunately, we can't.
-Why not?
-It says here you two provoked it.
What are you talking about?
This morning, a man reported
that you threw rocks at it.
Yeah, we threw rocks because it
fucking stabbed me in the head!
Are you forgetting about that?
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
We can't move the bird but we can
give you these helmets.
Protects you from a swoop.
Works 100% of the time.
-Isn't that what cyclists wear?
-Yeah.
-Yeah, nah, we can't wear that.
-Why not?
One, we'll look like knobs.
Two, we'll get egged.
How do you know?
Look, love. It's just a rule of the world.
You wear that helmet, you get egged.
No questions asked.
I've been wearing it for years
and I've never been egged.
Yet. Yet!
You will eventually!
And if you don't, I'll make sure you do.
Wear it.
You'll be fine.
[magpies chirping]
Okay. Okay.
Maybe she's right. Maybe she's right.
Should we take them off?
Nah, I think the bird's cousin lives here.
[Superwog] No, no, no, no. What the hell?
No, what the-- [groaning] Not the head!
-Not the head, you gronks!
-[Johnny] Stop it!
[Superwog] Not the head!
[both groaning]
[kids laughing]
[kid] Good one!
Okay. Okay.
-Was it the helmet?
-Yep.
-No other reason?
-Nah, just the helmet.
Could this be a one-off thing,
like, can we wear it now
without another attack?
Nah. Every time you leave
the house with that helmet,
you're getting egged.
Okay. Well, that is the rule.
Till next time, knob jockey.
He called me a knob jockey.
Where the fuck are your parents?
That's $35.
Wow.
It's almost too good to be true, isn't it?
Yes.
Have a good day.
No, you have a good day, my friend.
-You right there?
-What are you doing?
70 cents a liter unleaded.
Getting reserves.
All these are your barrels?
Yep. Got ten of them.
I'm saving over 600 bucks!
How much are you saving?
$30.
[laughs]
I will do this also. Thank you.
-With that?
-Yes, why?
Come on, mate. Check the payload.
Payload?
Yeah, check how much weight
it can carry first.
Yeah, yeah. No worries, mate.
Have a good day, mate.
Yeah…
Okay, you remember when we shot down
the neighbor's front door?
-Yes.
-What was it that we used?
-A potato canon.
-You still know how to make one?
Yeah. Why?
I wanna to shoot that fucker.
I want it to explode into 100 pieces!
Why 100 pieces?
'Cause I want the other magpies
to look at it and go,
-"Far, that might happen to me!"
-It's a good idea.
But I don't think magpies have
that level of cognitive ability.
Okay, fine.
We'll write, "This is just
the beginning," in magpie blood.
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Wait! We can't go in at the same time.
We need to buy the parts separately
so they don't get suspicious.
Do you need any help there?
Uh… No, thanks.
They're great, those pipes.
Yes, they are great.
-Irrigating the garden, are we?
-Yep.
Well, we've got some stunning
pot plants if you're interested.
Pot plants?
Yes, the floribundas are half-price.
Did you want to take a look?
What the fuck is that?
The worker started asking questions.
I got nervous.
Oh, my God. I'm not paying for that.
That's your cost.
But it's a floribunda.
It has a seasonal-long bloom.
I don't give a fuck what it is.
I can't rely on you for anything, can I?
Now just wait here. Don't move.
What are you looking to do with that?
-What, this?
-Yeah.
Uh…
Re-plumbing the garden
irrigation system, are we?
Yep, sure am!
Nah, I don't think you are.
All right, look.
I'm making a giant bong.
-Fuck.
-Yeah.
You're gonna need a big cone.
Aisle four's your best bet.
What a legend.
[engine sputtering]
Come on! Come on, go!
Go, go, go!
[engine revs]
-[engine sputters out]
-No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
-[tires screech]
-[Dad grunts]
Are you all right?
No! The barrels are up there with my car!
-What?
-The barrels up there!
No, no, stop him!
He's taking my cheap petrol!
What? Cheap what? I can't hear you!
The barrels!
What did you say?
-I said, "Go and fuck yourself."
-How dare you!
Now you hear me? Go and fuck yourself!
Argh!
Fire in the hole!
[both] Wow!
At last, they're together.
Well, it's definitely working.
[magpie warbles]
[whistles] Cheers, my little buddy.
Okay, it's on target.
[fires]
What happened? Did we get it?
Well, I can see the nest,
but I can't see the magpie.
[screams]
-What was that?
-Uh-oh.
-What?
-We hit the old bloke.
Okay. I'm gonna be out
of touch for a few months.
Don't call me, email me,
nothing until the dust settles.
-Why are you giving it to me?
-I don't wanna get pinned.
-You get rid of it.
-You get rid of it! It was your idea.
-You built it!
-I don't care. I'm not doing it.
What are you talking about?
This whole thing's your fault!
My fault?
You wanted to move the magpie.
I was happy to stay at home
and talk on the phone.
Yeah? Well, guess what?
I fucking hate talking
on the phone to you!
-Yeah?
-And your whistling is out of tune, too!
That's not what Joe thinks!
Who's Joe? Who's Joe?
-He's my new pet fish!
-Really?
He fills the emotional gap
you've left in me!
You and me are finished!
Now break this or else
we'll end up in prison!
I don't care if I go to prison!
Because being friends with you
is already like being in prison!
-Yeah?
-Yeah!
[groaning]
All because of a stupid bird!
[Johnny muttering]
Ahh! You. Fucking…
Don't you ever come over again,
you hear me?
[man] He's over there!
I'm gonna throw this out to you!
Get on it and we'll pull you in!
But you have to let go of the barrel!
Never!
-What happened?
-We're out of petrol!
Well, flick on the reserve tank.
It is on!
Well, why the hell didn't
you check it before?
No, no!
There's a storm coming right this way!
I don't care!
Leave me!
I will take my chances!
Just get in the boat
like he said, fuckwit!
No!
Mate, what's in the barrel?
[engine sputters]
[engine sputters]
Okay. Okay.
Stupid piece of shit!
Fucking hate you!
Fucking piece of shit!
I'm sorry!
I didn't mean what I said before.
I like talking to you on the phone.
You talk about interesting things
and you have an interesting point of view.
I bought you a new Slurpee cup.
-Let's go.
-Hey, what happened to you?
Come, I'll show you.
No, no, you don't need that.
Trust me. Come.
Big old Keith, the maggot magpie,
has been evicted.
What the hell?
I chopped that fucker.
How?
I used my dad's chainsaw.
I just made sure to cut
only when a plane passed.
Wow!
I'm not going to let a bird
with a name like Keith
get in between you and me!
Come on.
Hey, where do you think that magpie went?
I got no idea.
You should have seen how hard he bitched.
This really was a case of man
triumphing over a magpie.
Wherever it goes, it's got a lot
of work to do rebuilding that nest.
[chuckles] Gronk.
[magpie warbles]
[magpie warbles]
[magpies warbling]
[theme music playing]
Just give me the fucking receipt!
[all laughing]
Did you wash it properly?
Not just a water dunk?
-Look at that, that's great.
-[laughs]
-That's great.
-I'm sorry. Fuck!
-What are you doing?
-That was…
Go back and do it properly.
-All right.
-That's it.
-Sorry about that.
-What a fucknut.
Hey, we better help her.
Give it to me.
Thank you, you're very kind.
-With the hell's that?
-She gave me biscuits.
You've started an exchange.
I will be back with a tuna
and I will eat it here in front of you!
No, you will not!
I give to you.
Yeah, okay.
What the fuck is this?
Maybe it's nice food?
-What the fuck?
-Take it out! Take it out of the house!
We're at $50 for a fine-looking tuna!
-900.
-Stop it, you idiot.
[siren wailing]
Go and give yourself up!
-Not coming in here!
-Move!