Superwog (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Lawsuit - full transcript
Theo meets his old friend Lily in a store and is invited to a housewarming while his dad tries to sue a store for not being able to try the food before buying it.
[theme music playing]
[sniffs]
No. No.
Hey! Hey, mate. You going to pay for that?
I'm not sure yet.
What do you mean?
Come back in two minutes
and I will tell you.
No, no. You can't do that.
I might waste one,
but if it is good, I buy ten.
Did you test this as well?
Yes, and it failed miserably.
We don't allow that, mate.
What else have you had?
-The almonds.
-How many?
Enough to know that
they are not real almonds.
What kind of business are you running?
Who are your farmers? Where are they?
I want to speak to them!
You are coming with me
and I'm charging you
for the apple, pear and almonds.
I will come to the counter
and you will give me a refund
for the rotten mango I bought yesterday.
The produce is on display
to look at, not eat.
I have a right to try before I buy, idiot.
Right, I'm calling the police.
You call the police?
You call the police on me?
Yep, you can argue all you want with them.
I will not be threatened!
I know my rights!
Yeah, okay. Yes, police.
We've caught a thief on our premises.
We've already got you on camera!
[sniffs] Mmm.
[sniffs] Mmm.
Theo?
-Hey!
-Are you talking to me?
Yeah! How have you been?
Uh, do I know you?
You don't remember me? It's me, Lilly.
Lilly from the phone sex hotline?
What? No.
I went to primary school with you.
Oh, yeah, Lilly. I do remember you!
Yeah, you used to find empty
water bottles and blow them in my face.
Oh, I only used to do that
for scientific purposes.
Oh.
Hey, why did you leave in grade six?
I tried looking for you for ages.
'Cause my dad thought
my maths teacher was a communist.
-Oh.
-Yep.
-Anyway, how have you been?
-Good!
I just moved back to Sydney.
I am so happy to be back.
Actually, my housewarming is tonight.
-Do you want to come?
-Yeah, okay.
I mean, I guess I could, you know.
Great.
It's just all girls, though.
I hope you don't mind.
Really? Well, I don't know.
It's just my cheerleading team.
They're all really nice.
Oh, well, if they're nice,
then I guess I could.
Awesome.
Is there a train station near here?
No, but you can get
a bus over near the park.
-Do you need a lift?
-Oh, no, it's fine.
I think I might shop around
for a bit more anyway.
You sure? I don't mind giving you a lift.
No, it's fine. Don't worry.
Oh, my God, Theo! I can't believe this.
I'm going to grab your number.
-If I can find my damn phone first.
-[mouthing]
You want to take one of the biggest
supermarkets in the country to court?
To the High Court!
Why?
Because the manager, fucking idiot,
not let me try the nuts before I buy them.
Try before you buy is a fundamental right!
This is justice for the people.
This is a million-dollar case.
Get out. You're wasting my time.
-Please!
-No.
You almost cost me my license last time.
-I'm not risking it.
-I beg you!
Get out!
But I was discriminated against.
How?
They treated me like I was a scumbag.
That's because you are a scumbag!
You still owe me $20,000
for the case against
the fucking vacuum company.
Yes, but you lost!
We lost because you tried to kidnap
one of their witnesses.
You are a lawyer.
You should care about justice.
I do care about justice.
And being able to eat at night.
Now fuck off!
Okay, look.
If you win, you can take the money
you need to pay the debt.
I would have done that anyway, you idiot.
And you can take another $1,000.
But not $1 more.
Get out!
Margaret! Get him out of my office.
Please, I am begging you!
I want 70/30 of anything we make.
Okay. Okay.
And I want it in writing.
Okay.
You'd better follow everything I say.
Do you understand?
Yes.
And go and get a bloody suit this time.
You can't wear fucking shorts to court.
What's a housewarming?
I don't know. Who cares?
I've only ever heard
very boring people talk about them.
It must be only for boring people.
I think it's when friends come over
and bless the house or some shit.
Bless it how?
Oh, my God, I don't know, Johnny.
I don't know.
Whatever it is, it's her and
her hot cheerleader friends, okay?
-[scoffs] Cheerleaders.
-What?
What are a bunch of hot cheerleaders
going to do with someone like you?
What, I was all right at rugby.
I'm basically a jock.
You're not a jock.
You're the opposite of a jock.
You were in the Fs for rugby.
That's the lowest team.
Fuck you, Johnny.
I scored tries, at least.
They might like my personality.
Yeah, cheerleaders are gonna
like you for your personality.
You know, I don't know
if I want to bring you.
You're a pussy repellent.
-No, I'm not. You are.
-No, I'm a pussy attractant.
Hi, would you guys care
for a complimentary Chiko Roll?
Yeah, okay.
Mmm!
Mmm, so good!
How good is Aussie food, hey?
First fairy bread and now this.
I'm telling you, us Aussies must be
up there in world standards
for quality cuisine.
[mouth full] Man,
it's like a huge spring roll.
Mmm, what's in this?
[stomach rumbles]
[groans softly]
[farts]
-Oh, man, it must be the cabbage.
-[farts]
[farts loudly] Ah!
-Oh, man.
-Fuck.
-It's too strong!
-[laughing]
Why are you laughing? Why?
[farts] There you go.
[groans]
-Not so funny, huh?
-[gags]
No, no, no, wait.
We should hot-box it
and see who lasts the longest.
Okay.
[farts and grunts]
-Whoa.
-[farts]
[gags]
Oh!
Ugh! I can taste your shit.
Wait, wait, wait. [farts]
[both gag]
Oh, my God.
Get it out! Get it out!
It's not leaving!
Hey, actually, you know what?
I'd love that lift.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What do I do?
-[clicks on fan]
-No, that's going to make it worse!
She smells this car, it's over.
Drive. Drive!
[tires screech]
No, no, no!
-[cell phone rings]
-Okay. Okay. It's her.
All I need is a good excuse.
-Tell her the truth.
-What the fuck? No!
I just need an excuse.
The truth is the only excuse!
No!
-Hello?
-Hey.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
Why did you drive off?
That was pretty rude.
Oh, I'm sorry, but…
It was a heart attack.
What?
It's my grandma. My fucking
grandma had a heart attack!
Oh, my God!
And then the ambulance came.
I can't believe it.
-Horse riding.
-What?
I'm so sorry.
I remember her.
She used to drop you off at school.
She always bought the tastiest biscuits.
Yeah.
Okay, well, anyway…
Look, please tell me.
Which hospital is she in?
Uh…
Sorry, I didn't hear that. What was that?
Which hospital is she in?
Royal…
North…
Shore.
I live opposite there.
Opposite as in near there?
No, literally right opposite.
Oh, okay.
Look, I'm going to buy flowers
and drop them off.
When will you be there?
No. It's fine. You don't have to.
No, really. I do.
I'll see you in half an hour.
Uh, okay. See you then. Bye.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
[groans] Don't touch me, don't touch me!
Hello. Hi. Sorry.
Is that the best suit you could find?
I got it from Saint Vinnie's for $2.
Your Honor, I call
my witness to the stand.
You and I might be walking out
of here today with a very easy win.
[Dad] Why?
Because that lawyer is one
of the cheapest in town.
Even cheaper than me.
You are the manager
at the supermarket in question?
Correct.
Your job is to run the day-to-day
business of the supermarket?
Correct.
This includes ensuring that
fresh produce is up to standard?
Yes. Anything that isn't up to standard,
we throw out.
Bullshit!
Shh!
And what happened when you saw this man?
I saw him biting into a pear
and shaking his head
and putting it back like it
was some buffet.
[audience gasps]
He refused to trust
the judgement of Australia's
most-loved supermarket, didn't he?
Woolworths is better!
Shut up! Shut up!
Yes, that's right.
Yes.
So, as I was saying…
Sorry, I've lost my train of thought.
We were talking about the pear.
No, but I had a different question.
Is he going to hurry up
or are we going to have to listen
to him rambling for the rest of the day?
We'll adjourn until after lunch.
Thank you.
[groans] What do you want?
-Where's Grandma?
-She's asleep.
Can you wake her up?
'Cause I need to see her.
-No.
-She's my grandma too, you know?
What do you want from her?
-I need to take her to the hospital.
-What?
Because I met this girl,
she wanted a lift, but I couldn't
let her in because me and Johnny
hot-boxed the car.
So I drove off.
But then I said Grandma
had a heart attack.
Why?
Because Johnny mimed it.
I can do it now. Do you want to see?
No. Go away.
Look, Grandma is always supportive
when it comes to me
getting pussy, isn't she?
She is, okay.
So let me at least ask her.
She probably needs a checkup anyway.
[scoffs]
-Lilly!
-Yes.
She remembers you and said she loves you.
She's a user, that little bitch.
She ate too many of my biscuits.
Yes, but, Grandma,
she wants me to go to her party
with all her cheerleader friends.
Huh! You too ugly for a cheerleader.
Listen, Grandma. You're coming
with me to the hospital.
No. Go and fuck yourself.
Why can't you find
intelligent pussy for once?
-Come on!
-You're rotten.
Just like your dad. [spits]
Really, Grandma? Really?
You see what type of family I come from?
Scum. You're all fucking scumbags!
Fuck you!
-Fuck you!
-Fuck me? Fuck you!
It was a normal day.
You went to your local supermarket
to buy some fruit and nuts.
Yes.
When you saw the apples,
you were unsure of their quality.
Yes.
Naturally, you took it upon yourself
to assess their quality,
a mere visual inspection wasn't enough.
No.
How did you go about
examining them further?
I pick it up and then I tap it.
Can you show the court?
That's my husband.
We're going to be rich.
Still unsure, you decided
to take a small bite.
Yes.
It was the worst apple
I have ever had in my life.
Was it a Pink Lady or a Jazz?
It was a Kanzi.
It tasted worse than my own poo.
And believe me, that is very bad.
Last time I ate my poo
was when I got lost in the desert.
I was clinically dead for three minutes.
Kanzis are supposed to be
juicy, crisp, refreshing.
But this one most certainly
wasn't, was it?
No.
In fact, it was hardly an apple at all.
Yet when you put it back,
you were chastised by the manager.
He called me a thief!
[audience murmurs]
A thief, for simply checking
the fitness of an apple.
I rest my case.
[audience applauds]
Go, honey! Go, honey!
You really shouldn't have.
I just had to.
I remember your grandma so well.
You know what?
Let me take them in for you.
-Why?
-You won't believe it.
It's out of visiting hours.
We should really get back
to the housewarming.
-Oh!
-Actually…
It's fine. I'll make an exception.
Here.
But the nurse…
Hello?
It's fine.
I'll make an exception.
Are you sure?
Rules are rules, though.
Well, that is true,
but you all seem so lovely,
so I'll have to make an exception.
You're lovely,
I think you're lovely and I respect
there are rules that
aren't meant to be broken.
No, it's fine. I'll break them this time.
What's your grandma's surname?
The surname?
Yes. The surname.
The surname is…
Um…
-Tutankhamen!
-Tutankhamen?
Yeah.
-As in the pharaoh?
-Yeah.
Oh. I've found her.
There she is, Mrs. Tutankhamen.
-You're joking.
-No.
Room 21, Mrs. Tutankhamen.
Beautiful name.
It looks like she's having a nap.
Oh, thank God!
Sorry, I'm just so sad.
[sobs]
-I'll leave you with her.
-Thank you.
It's okay. It's okay.
Your Honor, for the cross-examination,
I call our esteemed senior counsel,
the honorable Mr. Mark Sheehan.
Oh, no.
Whatever you do, just stick
to the plan and don't panic.
Why?
Because that's the most
ruthless barrister in the country.
He's destroyed every witness
he's ever examined.
-Been well?
-Oh, yeah. As always.
Great to see you again.
Let's catch up after.
Don't worry. I'll be very quick.
You, witness box.
I'll be brief.
So answer as concisely as possible.
How many apples did you have?
One.
And how many nuts did you have?
14.5.
And of those 14-and-a-half nuts,
how many were almonds?
Three.
Why was it necessary for you to
taste three to make your choice?
Because…
Because I had to.
Yes, but eating the first nut
allowed you to assess its quality.
Why did you eat the second? And third?
Uh… Uh… I don't know.
No, no, no. What are you doing, you idiot?
I know.
You only ate them because you wanted
to enjoy their flavor.
-No!
-Yeah.
You didn't care about quality.
You cared about flavor.
You ate those nuts because
you wanted to enjoy their sweet,
creamy almond flavor.
Okay! Okay! I eat the nuts
for fucking flavor!
I fucking ate the fucking nuts for flavor!
No!
Outstanding.
I award the case to the defendant.
All costs to be paid for by the plaintiff.
That's my invoice.
Fuck me!
[guffaws]
What happened? What happened?
You bastard!
[mum screaming] Stop! Stop!
Let go of him!
Okay, we'd better go.
Okay.
-Quickly, let's go!
-Who are you?
-Hello, Grandma.
-Who the fuck are you?
-I'm your grandson.
-No, you're not.
She's got dementia, it's very sad.
She doesn't know who I am.
No, I don't. Help!
The heart attack only made it worse.
I'm not here for a heart attack.
I had my anal warts cut off.
Oh, my God.
-[gags]
-I don't know this person.
I have no relation to you.
-[alarm beeps]
-Nurse!
Let's go.
Nurse!
[Johnny straining]
[monitor flatlines]
[both screaming]
Get out, get out, quickly! Get out!
Wait! Please, wait!
Please, I'm begging you.
I only lied because
I didn't want you to smell my fart.
That's why I drove off.
-You're joking.
-No. I was so embarrassed.
I ate these Chiko Rolls
and hot-boxed the car.
I have a very weird fascination
with hot-boxing, okay?
It has nothing to do with science.
I just… I don't know.
I like the smell of my own farts,
just like I did in primary school.
Oh, my God.
Theo, so do I.
What did you think we were
going to do tonight?
What? You like to hot-box?
When you left school suddenly,
I was heartbroken.
And the only way I could
remember you was by hot-boxing.
I even got all my friends into it as well.
And we wanted to surprise you
by hot-boxing together.
Wait, so that's what a housewarming is?
Well, no. It has nothing
to do with farting.
But it's a habit that connects
Theo and I deeply.
So I thought…
Delivery for Lilly?
Yeah.
We even ordered 30 Chiko Rolls
so we could hot-box the house
with some truly fucked-up farts.
I guess I'll have
to invite that guy instead.
No, no, no. Wait, wait.
I have way more where that came from.
I have the fucking dirtiest farts!
I can hot-box your house! Please, let me!
[groans]
I'm sure the party will be shit.
We're not missing out. Don't worry.
[both sniffing]
[dance music playing]
-[farts]
-[women squealing in delight]
[sighing happily]
You're under arrest!
Get off me!
[screams] Hey! Hey!
-Oh!
-[laughter]
[Superwog] I have the fucking
dirtiest farts, I can hot-box your car!
Let me in! Hey, get away from her.
[laughter]
Yes, but…
-Sorry.
-[all laughing]
[groaning softly]
-Ah!
-[laughs]
You're stopping and starting
like you've got OCD.
What's going on?
Down there is a crazy magpie
that viciously attacks people.
-A magpie?
-Yes.
-[wings flapping]
-Watch out!
Don't run, it'll make it worse.
[man on radio] Parklea station,
doing unleaded for 70 cents a liter.
What's wrong with you? Where you going?
To fill up the car.
-I filled it up this morning.
-You stupid woman!
I wanted to go out!
We want to put in a complaint
about a menacing magpie.
We can't move the bird,
but we can give you these helmets.
I want to shoot that fucker.
I want it to explode into 100 pieces.
Go, go, go!
[fires]
[Dad grunting]
Wake up!
[sniffs]
No. No.
Hey! Hey, mate. You going to pay for that?
I'm not sure yet.
What do you mean?
Come back in two minutes
and I will tell you.
No, no. You can't do that.
I might waste one,
but if it is good, I buy ten.
Did you test this as well?
Yes, and it failed miserably.
We don't allow that, mate.
What else have you had?
-The almonds.
-How many?
Enough to know that
they are not real almonds.
What kind of business are you running?
Who are your farmers? Where are they?
I want to speak to them!
You are coming with me
and I'm charging you
for the apple, pear and almonds.
I will come to the counter
and you will give me a refund
for the rotten mango I bought yesterday.
The produce is on display
to look at, not eat.
I have a right to try before I buy, idiot.
Right, I'm calling the police.
You call the police?
You call the police on me?
Yep, you can argue all you want with them.
I will not be threatened!
I know my rights!
Yeah, okay. Yes, police.
We've caught a thief on our premises.
We've already got you on camera!
[sniffs] Mmm.
[sniffs] Mmm.
Theo?
-Hey!
-Are you talking to me?
Yeah! How have you been?
Uh, do I know you?
You don't remember me? It's me, Lilly.
Lilly from the phone sex hotline?
What? No.
I went to primary school with you.
Oh, yeah, Lilly. I do remember you!
Yeah, you used to find empty
water bottles and blow them in my face.
Oh, I only used to do that
for scientific purposes.
Oh.
Hey, why did you leave in grade six?
I tried looking for you for ages.
'Cause my dad thought
my maths teacher was a communist.
-Oh.
-Yep.
-Anyway, how have you been?
-Good!
I just moved back to Sydney.
I am so happy to be back.
Actually, my housewarming is tonight.
-Do you want to come?
-Yeah, okay.
I mean, I guess I could, you know.
Great.
It's just all girls, though.
I hope you don't mind.
Really? Well, I don't know.
It's just my cheerleading team.
They're all really nice.
Oh, well, if they're nice,
then I guess I could.
Awesome.
Is there a train station near here?
No, but you can get
a bus over near the park.
-Do you need a lift?
-Oh, no, it's fine.
I think I might shop around
for a bit more anyway.
You sure? I don't mind giving you a lift.
No, it's fine. Don't worry.
Oh, my God, Theo! I can't believe this.
I'm going to grab your number.
-If I can find my damn phone first.
-[mouthing]
You want to take one of the biggest
supermarkets in the country to court?
To the High Court!
Why?
Because the manager, fucking idiot,
not let me try the nuts before I buy them.
Try before you buy is a fundamental right!
This is justice for the people.
This is a million-dollar case.
Get out. You're wasting my time.
-Please!
-No.
You almost cost me my license last time.
-I'm not risking it.
-I beg you!
Get out!
But I was discriminated against.
How?
They treated me like I was a scumbag.
That's because you are a scumbag!
You still owe me $20,000
for the case against
the fucking vacuum company.
Yes, but you lost!
We lost because you tried to kidnap
one of their witnesses.
You are a lawyer.
You should care about justice.
I do care about justice.
And being able to eat at night.
Now fuck off!
Okay, look.
If you win, you can take the money
you need to pay the debt.
I would have done that anyway, you idiot.
And you can take another $1,000.
But not $1 more.
Get out!
Margaret! Get him out of my office.
Please, I am begging you!
I want 70/30 of anything we make.
Okay. Okay.
And I want it in writing.
Okay.
You'd better follow everything I say.
Do you understand?
Yes.
And go and get a bloody suit this time.
You can't wear fucking shorts to court.
What's a housewarming?
I don't know. Who cares?
I've only ever heard
very boring people talk about them.
It must be only for boring people.
I think it's when friends come over
and bless the house or some shit.
Bless it how?
Oh, my God, I don't know, Johnny.
I don't know.
Whatever it is, it's her and
her hot cheerleader friends, okay?
-[scoffs] Cheerleaders.
-What?
What are a bunch of hot cheerleaders
going to do with someone like you?
What, I was all right at rugby.
I'm basically a jock.
You're not a jock.
You're the opposite of a jock.
You were in the Fs for rugby.
That's the lowest team.
Fuck you, Johnny.
I scored tries, at least.
They might like my personality.
Yeah, cheerleaders are gonna
like you for your personality.
You know, I don't know
if I want to bring you.
You're a pussy repellent.
-No, I'm not. You are.
-No, I'm a pussy attractant.
Hi, would you guys care
for a complimentary Chiko Roll?
Yeah, okay.
Mmm!
Mmm, so good!
How good is Aussie food, hey?
First fairy bread and now this.
I'm telling you, us Aussies must be
up there in world standards
for quality cuisine.
[mouth full] Man,
it's like a huge spring roll.
Mmm, what's in this?
[stomach rumbles]
[groans softly]
[farts]
-Oh, man, it must be the cabbage.
-[farts]
[farts loudly] Ah!
-Oh, man.
-Fuck.
-It's too strong!
-[laughing]
Why are you laughing? Why?
[farts] There you go.
[groans]
-Not so funny, huh?
-[gags]
No, no, no, wait.
We should hot-box it
and see who lasts the longest.
Okay.
[farts and grunts]
-Whoa.
-[farts]
[gags]
Oh!
Ugh! I can taste your shit.
Wait, wait, wait. [farts]
[both gag]
Oh, my God.
Get it out! Get it out!
It's not leaving!
Hey, actually, you know what?
I'd love that lift.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What do I do?
-[clicks on fan]
-No, that's going to make it worse!
She smells this car, it's over.
Drive. Drive!
[tires screech]
No, no, no!
-[cell phone rings]
-Okay. Okay. It's her.
All I need is a good excuse.
-Tell her the truth.
-What the fuck? No!
I just need an excuse.
The truth is the only excuse!
No!
-Hello?
-Hey.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
Why did you drive off?
That was pretty rude.
Oh, I'm sorry, but…
It was a heart attack.
What?
It's my grandma. My fucking
grandma had a heart attack!
Oh, my God!
And then the ambulance came.
I can't believe it.
-Horse riding.
-What?
I'm so sorry.
I remember her.
She used to drop you off at school.
She always bought the tastiest biscuits.
Yeah.
Okay, well, anyway…
Look, please tell me.
Which hospital is she in?
Uh…
Sorry, I didn't hear that. What was that?
Which hospital is she in?
Royal…
North…
Shore.
I live opposite there.
Opposite as in near there?
No, literally right opposite.
Oh, okay.
Look, I'm going to buy flowers
and drop them off.
When will you be there?
No. It's fine. You don't have to.
No, really. I do.
I'll see you in half an hour.
Uh, okay. See you then. Bye.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
[groans] Don't touch me, don't touch me!
Hello. Hi. Sorry.
Is that the best suit you could find?
I got it from Saint Vinnie's for $2.
Your Honor, I call
my witness to the stand.
You and I might be walking out
of here today with a very easy win.
[Dad] Why?
Because that lawyer is one
of the cheapest in town.
Even cheaper than me.
You are the manager
at the supermarket in question?
Correct.
Your job is to run the day-to-day
business of the supermarket?
Correct.
This includes ensuring that
fresh produce is up to standard?
Yes. Anything that isn't up to standard,
we throw out.
Bullshit!
Shh!
And what happened when you saw this man?
I saw him biting into a pear
and shaking his head
and putting it back like it
was some buffet.
[audience gasps]
He refused to trust
the judgement of Australia's
most-loved supermarket, didn't he?
Woolworths is better!
Shut up! Shut up!
Yes, that's right.
Yes.
So, as I was saying…
Sorry, I've lost my train of thought.
We were talking about the pear.
No, but I had a different question.
Is he going to hurry up
or are we going to have to listen
to him rambling for the rest of the day?
We'll adjourn until after lunch.
Thank you.
[groans] What do you want?
-Where's Grandma?
-She's asleep.
Can you wake her up?
'Cause I need to see her.
-No.
-She's my grandma too, you know?
What do you want from her?
-I need to take her to the hospital.
-What?
Because I met this girl,
she wanted a lift, but I couldn't
let her in because me and Johnny
hot-boxed the car.
So I drove off.
But then I said Grandma
had a heart attack.
Why?
Because Johnny mimed it.
I can do it now. Do you want to see?
No. Go away.
Look, Grandma is always supportive
when it comes to me
getting pussy, isn't she?
She is, okay.
So let me at least ask her.
She probably needs a checkup anyway.
[scoffs]
-Lilly!
-Yes.
She remembers you and said she loves you.
She's a user, that little bitch.
She ate too many of my biscuits.
Yes, but, Grandma,
she wants me to go to her party
with all her cheerleader friends.
Huh! You too ugly for a cheerleader.
Listen, Grandma. You're coming
with me to the hospital.
No. Go and fuck yourself.
Why can't you find
intelligent pussy for once?
-Come on!
-You're rotten.
Just like your dad. [spits]
Really, Grandma? Really?
You see what type of family I come from?
Scum. You're all fucking scumbags!
Fuck you!
-Fuck you!
-Fuck me? Fuck you!
It was a normal day.
You went to your local supermarket
to buy some fruit and nuts.
Yes.
When you saw the apples,
you were unsure of their quality.
Yes.
Naturally, you took it upon yourself
to assess their quality,
a mere visual inspection wasn't enough.
No.
How did you go about
examining them further?
I pick it up and then I tap it.
Can you show the court?
That's my husband.
We're going to be rich.
Still unsure, you decided
to take a small bite.
Yes.
It was the worst apple
I have ever had in my life.
Was it a Pink Lady or a Jazz?
It was a Kanzi.
It tasted worse than my own poo.
And believe me, that is very bad.
Last time I ate my poo
was when I got lost in the desert.
I was clinically dead for three minutes.
Kanzis are supposed to be
juicy, crisp, refreshing.
But this one most certainly
wasn't, was it?
No.
In fact, it was hardly an apple at all.
Yet when you put it back,
you were chastised by the manager.
He called me a thief!
[audience murmurs]
A thief, for simply checking
the fitness of an apple.
I rest my case.
[audience applauds]
Go, honey! Go, honey!
You really shouldn't have.
I just had to.
I remember your grandma so well.
You know what?
Let me take them in for you.
-Why?
-You won't believe it.
It's out of visiting hours.
We should really get back
to the housewarming.
-Oh!
-Actually…
It's fine. I'll make an exception.
Here.
But the nurse…
Hello?
It's fine.
I'll make an exception.
Are you sure?
Rules are rules, though.
Well, that is true,
but you all seem so lovely,
so I'll have to make an exception.
You're lovely,
I think you're lovely and I respect
there are rules that
aren't meant to be broken.
No, it's fine. I'll break them this time.
What's your grandma's surname?
The surname?
Yes. The surname.
The surname is…
Um…
-Tutankhamen!
-Tutankhamen?
Yeah.
-As in the pharaoh?
-Yeah.
Oh. I've found her.
There she is, Mrs. Tutankhamen.
-You're joking.
-No.
Room 21, Mrs. Tutankhamen.
Beautiful name.
It looks like she's having a nap.
Oh, thank God!
Sorry, I'm just so sad.
[sobs]
-I'll leave you with her.
-Thank you.
It's okay. It's okay.
Your Honor, for the cross-examination,
I call our esteemed senior counsel,
the honorable Mr. Mark Sheehan.
Oh, no.
Whatever you do, just stick
to the plan and don't panic.
Why?
Because that's the most
ruthless barrister in the country.
He's destroyed every witness
he's ever examined.
-Been well?
-Oh, yeah. As always.
Great to see you again.
Let's catch up after.
Don't worry. I'll be very quick.
You, witness box.
I'll be brief.
So answer as concisely as possible.
How many apples did you have?
One.
And how many nuts did you have?
14.5.
And of those 14-and-a-half nuts,
how many were almonds?
Three.
Why was it necessary for you to
taste three to make your choice?
Because…
Because I had to.
Yes, but eating the first nut
allowed you to assess its quality.
Why did you eat the second? And third?
Uh… Uh… I don't know.
No, no, no. What are you doing, you idiot?
I know.
You only ate them because you wanted
to enjoy their flavor.
-No!
-Yeah.
You didn't care about quality.
You cared about flavor.
You ate those nuts because
you wanted to enjoy their sweet,
creamy almond flavor.
Okay! Okay! I eat the nuts
for fucking flavor!
I fucking ate the fucking nuts for flavor!
No!
Outstanding.
I award the case to the defendant.
All costs to be paid for by the plaintiff.
That's my invoice.
Fuck me!
[guffaws]
What happened? What happened?
You bastard!
[mum screaming] Stop! Stop!
Let go of him!
Okay, we'd better go.
Okay.
-Quickly, let's go!
-Who are you?
-Hello, Grandma.
-Who the fuck are you?
-I'm your grandson.
-No, you're not.
She's got dementia, it's very sad.
She doesn't know who I am.
No, I don't. Help!
The heart attack only made it worse.
I'm not here for a heart attack.
I had my anal warts cut off.
Oh, my God.
-[gags]
-I don't know this person.
I have no relation to you.
-[alarm beeps]
-Nurse!
Let's go.
Nurse!
[Johnny straining]
[monitor flatlines]
[both screaming]
Get out, get out, quickly! Get out!
Wait! Please, wait!
Please, I'm begging you.
I only lied because
I didn't want you to smell my fart.
That's why I drove off.
-You're joking.
-No. I was so embarrassed.
I ate these Chiko Rolls
and hot-boxed the car.
I have a very weird fascination
with hot-boxing, okay?
It has nothing to do with science.
I just… I don't know.
I like the smell of my own farts,
just like I did in primary school.
Oh, my God.
Theo, so do I.
What did you think we were
going to do tonight?
What? You like to hot-box?
When you left school suddenly,
I was heartbroken.
And the only way I could
remember you was by hot-boxing.
I even got all my friends into it as well.
And we wanted to surprise you
by hot-boxing together.
Wait, so that's what a housewarming is?
Well, no. It has nothing
to do with farting.
But it's a habit that connects
Theo and I deeply.
So I thought…
Delivery for Lilly?
Yeah.
We even ordered 30 Chiko Rolls
so we could hot-box the house
with some truly fucked-up farts.
I guess I'll have
to invite that guy instead.
No, no, no. Wait, wait.
I have way more where that came from.
I have the fucking dirtiest farts!
I can hot-box your house! Please, let me!
[groans]
I'm sure the party will be shit.
We're not missing out. Don't worry.
[both sniffing]
[dance music playing]
-[farts]
-[women squealing in delight]
[sighing happily]
You're under arrest!
Get off me!
[screams] Hey! Hey!
-Oh!
-[laughter]
[Superwog] I have the fucking
dirtiest farts, I can hot-box your car!
Let me in! Hey, get away from her.
[laughter]
Yes, but…
-Sorry.
-[all laughing]
[groaning softly]
-Ah!
-[laughs]
You're stopping and starting
like you've got OCD.
What's going on?
Down there is a crazy magpie
that viciously attacks people.
-A magpie?
-Yes.
-[wings flapping]
-Watch out!
Don't run, it'll make it worse.
[man on radio] Parklea station,
doing unleaded for 70 cents a liter.
What's wrong with you? Where you going?
To fill up the car.
-I filled it up this morning.
-You stupid woman!
I wanted to go out!
We want to put in a complaint
about a menacing magpie.
We can't move the bird,
but we can give you these helmets.
I want to shoot that fucker.
I want it to explode into 100 pieces.
Go, go, go!
[fires]
[Dad grunting]
Wake up!