Superwog (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - 21 Jump Ya - full transcript

[theme music playing]

[woman on TV] Place the mixture
evenly in the pan…

[toilet flushes]

So you know those fake Nikes
I put on up eBay?

-Yeah.
-I sold them for 50 bucks

to a guy who lives down the road.

-Oh, no way.
-Yeah.

I dropped them off myself, but I still
charged him postage, the dog.

-Does he know they're fake?
-Yeah, probably.

-Did you put it in the ad?
-No, why would I do that?

How does he know they're fake?



Anyone who pays 50 bucks for
new shoes knows they're fake!

He could've thought
he was getting a bargain.

It's bad luck for him, then, isn't it?

I wanna go back to the markets.
Wanna come?

What for?

I want to get more boxes of shoes to sell.

Since when did you become a scam artist?

I'm not a scam artist.

You're selling illegally imported shoes to
people who think they're real, illegally.

-You're a scam artist.
-Yeah, okay.

Crime is a very slippery slope, you know.

It starts out small,

like not scanning the plastic bags
at checkout.

And then there you are,
three months later,



sucking dick for cigarettes.

Of course.

For once, I show some initiative
and actually do something with myself

and you just tear me down!

You tear my dreams down
like I'm on Australian Idol.

Thanks for the support!

I can support you, but from a distance.

From a distance?

Yeah, from a distance, because
I don't associate with criminals!

-Really?
-Yeah.

Well, I don't associate
with law-abiding, boring fuckwits.

What are you doing?

I learned how to make
burger bun bread. Want to try some?

Why's it red?

'Cause it's got beetroot and meat in it

so you don't have to fill it.

Ah, that's a good idea.

Listen, the guy I sold the shoes to
left me feedback.

Can you pull it off for me?

Okay.

"Fake scam artist."

-Delete it! Delete it!
-I can't!

-What do you mean you can't? Delete it!
-I can't! There's a whole process!

Okay, fuck it.
At least I got his money, the dog.

-Nah, man, you didn't.
-What are you talking about?

Something called buyer protection
automatically refunded the buyer.

Buyer protection?
What type of stupid shit is that?

Help me put these up, then.

-You can't.
-Johnny.

I'm serious.

As of now, your feedback rating
is 100% negative

which means no one's
buying fucking shit off you.

You couldn't give away the shoes now.

So wait a minute.

You're trying to tell me that gronk
has both my shoes and my money

and now, because of bad feedback,
I can't sell shit,

and there's nothing I can do?

There is one thing.

The buyer can reverse the feedback
if he wants to.

What are you gonna say?

I'm just gonna have a friendly chat,
it'll be nothing.

What are you gonna chat about?

We need a plan so things don't escalate.

Okay.

I knew it! This is the slope
I was talking about.

We're going down the slope

-and I can see it in front of me.
-Shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

There he is.

The scumbag's wearing the shoes, as well.

Hey! Hey, mate!

-Mark, is it?
-Yeah, why?

Yeah, mate, listen, I'm Superwog

and I actually sold you
the shoes you've got on.

Okay, what do you want?

Well, you see, the thing is,
you left me bad feedback.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

You wrote "fake scam artist."

Yeah. These are fake
and you're a scam artist.

No, I'm not. What did you think you
were getting for 50 bucks, you gronk?

I thought I was getting an authentic
pair of shoes at a bargain price.

Really? You didn't think that
maybe they were so cheap,

-they had to be fake?
-Not at all.

I rely, as all customers do,
on the contents of the item description

and nowhere did you specify
they were fake!

Okay, look, you know what?
There's been a misunderstanding.

You've got your refund, so can you
just reverse the negative feedback?

That would completely defeat
the purpose of the feedback system,

which is designed to protect people
from scam artists like yourself.

So, no, I will not be retracting anything.

-Give me my shoes, then.
-No.

-Give me my fucking shoes back.
-No chance.

-Yeah?
-Yeah. And guess what?

After my run, I'm going straight
to the Department of Fair Trading

to get your arse a cease and desist
letter, you lying piece of shit.

Ahhh! Help! Help!

Ahhh! Get off!

You bloody dog!

-Dog! Dog! Give it back!
-[groaning]

Help! I'm being robbed! I'm being robbed!

I'm being robbed!

Johnny, get the other shoe!
Get the other shoe!

What's going on?

You're both under arrest
and you'll be charged.

What about the other guy?
He stole my shoes!

He didn't steal anything.

As far as I'm concerned,
five witnesses are saying

that you concussed the poor bloke
with a counterfeit shoe!

Look, please, I'm not a criminal.
This whole thing was a mistake.

Let me go.

You're both being charged
with attempted robbery

and the sale of counterfeit goods.

Please, I'm begging you! I fell down
the slippery slope of crime!

-I warned him!
-Please, I'm sorry, forgive me!

-I'll never do this again!
-Shut up!

Please! I don't want to be
one of those guys with a squeegee

cleaning car windscreens for coins!

Will you shut the fuck up?

For Christ's sake.

The shoes you were trying to sell

are part of a huge fake shoe ring

run by a bloke we've been trying
to pin for years.

Now, if you two
are willing to go undercover

and help us take him down,

we'll let you walk.

What?

We need your help to catch the boss.

Like 21 Jump Street, we go undercover
in order to catch a criminal?

Yeah!

What the hell? I'm not a snitch.

I'm no snitch either, but if it's for the
good of the community, then that's okay.

No! What, we're going to turn
on all our brahs, just like that?

Fuck that! I'm a street thug.

No copper gonna force me to do shit.

But, I mean, if it helps regulate
the shoe industry…

We aren't snitch dogs, do you understand?

Are you boys sure about that?

Fucking oath, brah. [laughs]

I think what he's trying to say is…

Youse can all get fucked! [laughs]

[laughs] Bob!

Who's that?

Say hello to your new cellmate, boys.

[both] Okay. Okay. Okay. we'll do it!

Jesus!

This is the Head of Operations,
Detective Max Patter-- Patterson.

-Max?
-Morning, men.

What are you doing here?

As of now, you will refer to me
as Detective Patterson,

Head of Covert Operations.

Head of Covert Operations?

You're the manager at the drive-through!

How did you become Head of Operations?

-You work at the drive-through?
-No, I don't.

Yes, he does. Stop lying,
Max, your resume's a burger!

Okay. Okay. I do, but it's only
on Thursday nights.

And he's shit at his job, too.

-All his burgers are angled.
-Hey, shut up!

Brah, he can't even salt chips properly.

Enough!

All right, now give them their missions.

I'll leave it with you.

Now, underworld fakes dealer Ming
is one of the country's most-wanted men.

He supplies the entire country
with fake shoes.

Any brand, you name it, he supplies it.

-What's with the picture?
-What?

I can't even see the guy's face.
Where did you get that from?

I got it from his LinkedIn profile.

That's the best you could do?

-The photos are tiny on LinkedIn.
-Did you try Google Images?

You do realize Microsoft Paint
allows you to expand and add sharpness?

There's so many easy tutorials on YouTube.

I can email you the picture file,
if you want.

I'm not giving you my email,
you fucking gronk.

What's the point of this pinboard, then?
What's the point of it?

There's no point, eh?

Will you let me finish, God damn it!

Now, the final stage of operation
will begin at 1300 hours.

It'll be lunch with Ming
at yum cha, Chinatown.

All we need for you to do is record
him accepting a 5,000-pair order.

-That's it?
-Yep, that's it.

-Do I bash him?
-No.

-Do I get a baton?
-No.

Did you know "yum cha"
actually means "to drink tea"?

You want us to have a conversation?

-That's right.
-But to be honest,

I don't go to yum cha to drink tea,
I go there for the food.

Fuck you, can I get
a pair of handcuffs, at least?

[Max] No!

Now, the operation has a codename.

It's called…

Operation Ping Ming.

[both snicker]

-What's so funny?
-Ping Ming?

Who came up with that?
I bet you did, didn't you?

[laughs]

Hey, shut up, stop laughing!
Everyone liked the name,

they all thought it was good.

Yeah, it's good 'cause
it's fucking stupid.

Well-done, Max. That's great.

Go on, get out of here.

Just get out.

Go on, get out now!

Superwog, Johnny, mate,
it's so great to meet you guys.

-How's it going?
-Getting there.

Take a seat.

Now tell me, before we get down
to business, have you had yum cha before?

-Yeah.
-Great, what's your favorite dish?

-I like prawn dumplings.
-Chicken feet.

-Are you serious?
-Yeah, I'm a big fan.

I love feet and jelly foot.

All right.

Yeah, brah, he even loves el gung.
You know the el gung?

Oh, yes.

I'm a regular, so I can do that.

Thanks, man!

So, Ming, I'm just curious,
how did you get into the business?

-What, selling fake shoes?
-Yeah.

I don't like the fact that
only rich people

get to enjoy the feeling
of wearing brands.

I wanna give that to those less fortunate.

I want to give everyone that feeling.

But I bet with all the money you make,

you must have yachts, prostitutes
and watch cockfights?

No, I run a charity to help immigrants
get into the workforce.

Oh, yeah, what type of workforce?

Car rebirthing, fraud,
you know, all the good stuff?

No, like laborers, accountants,
even some lawyers.

Look, I know better than anyone else
that crime's a very slippery slope.

And it's often the people who don't have
a choice that need the most help.

Aunty, aunty.

Uh…

-Thank you.
-No, that's okay.

-Thank you so much!
-It's all right, it's all right.

-We can't do this.
-What?

-We can't fucking do this!
-Why not?

Because he's too nice.

What about the mission?

I don't know about the mission,
but I know that guy's not a criminal.

All people, no matter how nice
they are, become cunts.

It's just a matter of time!

He just tipped the yum cha lady 50 bucks.

This guy is not a criminal,
he's fucking Asian Robin Hood!

This morning, I was a free man,
baking burger bread,

and now, thanks to you,
I'm working for the fucking police!

So you're going to go back to
the table and finish this fucking job,

whether you like it or not!

More fresh prawn dumplings for you guys.

-Thanks for that.
-For dessert, what do you like?

-I wouldn't mind a custard puff.
-Custard puff.

Sorry, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right, it's just…

-What?
-It reminds me of my son.

I miss him so much.

What happened to him?

He's a sweatshop slave in a shoe factory

run by international fakes dealer
Big Wang.

And he's got my wife, too.

Big Wang? Is that his real name?

Nah, man, it's an alias.

-Why?
-What do you mean why?

'Cause he's hung like a fucking horse.

I was born in China.

I was a child shoe slave for 12 years.

Then I escaped to Australia,
got away from it.

And then a few years back, my wife goes
on holiday and Big Wang finds out.

He enslaves her and my children
as vengeance.

-And that's why you do what you do?
-Yep.

To save enough money to pay Wang off.

Anyway, sorry to bring the mood down.
What brings you two to me?

-What the fuck is this?
-What?

There's two hours of, quite frankly,
very friendly conversation.

Because he's the nicest
bloke I've ever met in my life!

What are you on about?

I've got enough intelligence
reports to fill up this room.

Really? Do you have enough
intelligence reports

to know that his wife and children
are fucking slaves?

Huh? Or that the guy we should be
after is actually Big Wang?

Do you even know who the fuck Big Wang is?

Mission Ping Wang is for
the international crimes unit.

It's got nothing to do with us.

There is no way in hell I'm helping
you put Asian Robin Hood in prison.

So put me on another mission.

You're in no position to tell me
how to do anything!

Now, you will finish this mission!

What are you going to do? Pistol whip me?

You're a bitch, brah.

You can't do shit, anyway,
because human rights.

Human rights, brah!

Okay, okay. Look.

I need to nail this mission if I'm gonna
get promoted for good, okay?

You're still on probation?

Yes, I am.

All right, I don't want to insult you,

but I can assure you,
it's back to burgers for your arse.

Now, you're going to take
this suitcase of money

and you'll make the order tonight.

Suitcase? That's only in the movies,
you dumb arse.

Brah, you're fucking embarrassing
yourself now. Stop.

Okay, that's how you want to play it,
is it?

Allow me to introduce you
to your new cellmates. Bob?

-These are our cellmates?
-You bet.

-All four of them?
-Yep.

How big are the cells?

-Tell me.
-Uh…

-How many inmates per cell?
-I believe it's two per cell.

Two per cell. So how the fuck can
they all be my cellmates, then, huh?

Where did all their tops go?
Did they lose them?

Or did Max over here
tell you to take them off,

so it looks like you're
about to gangbang us?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, I thought so.

Wow, so not only are you sexually
objectifying them,

but you're reinforcing
the negative presumption

that none of them respect sexual consent.

-Sorry, what?
-Not only are you eroding

their emotional
and psychological wellbeing,

but you're also ruining any hope they have
of becoming rehabilitated citizens.

-Yeah, yeah.
-He's right.

Yeah, so, Max, you can take Ping Ming
and shove it up your arse,

'cause we're not doing shit.

Okay, okay. We'll ping Ming!
We'll ping Ming, all right, Max!

Where did you learn all that?

I watched a documentary
on prisoner rehabilitation.

All right, let's just get this done.

-Yeah.
-Focus, focus.

-Hey.
-Hey! Come in!

Welcome. Take a seat.

Wow, nice place.

All this to yourself, huh?

No, no. It's a refuge for homeless people.

Really?

-[screams]
-[yells]

Look, Ming, I don't wanna muck around.

We came here to push the button
on a very big shoe order.

How many you want? 50?

-Nah.
-500?

We want 5,000
of your best fake shoes, Ming.

-Are you kidding?
-Nah. 5,000.

Wow.

You guys are really something.

Here I thought you were
just business partners, but now,

I call you my friends.

Okay, thanks, Ming.
Anyway, time for us to go.

Do you realize what you're doing here?

This order's going to free my son
and wife from slavery.

That's why you're doing it, isn't it?

Don't worry, you don't have to say.

I could feel the goodness in your hearts.

In fact, I've been waiting to tell you.

I want you both to be
the godfathers of my son.

Okay, for fuck's sake!
I can't do this anymore!

-What's going on?
-We're working for the police.

-What?
-We had to. The police made us do it.

They threatened us with Bob.
They're blackmailing us!

-So you betray me?
-Ming, it's not like that!

But I loved you! I loved both of you!

-I loved you, too!
-[distant banging]

I loved you. You're one
of the nicest guys I've ever met.

I want to develop our relationship.

-No! You hate me!
-We love you!

-Ming, please, I love you!
-No, you hate me!

-No, I love you!
-You hate me!

Okay, now listen to me.

I am not giving you my consent, okay?

I will not accept touching, groping,
or any form of physical harassment,

even so much as a suggestive comment
and I'll go straight to prisoner affairs.

We're just here to thank Johnny.

-Thank Johnny?
-Yeah, Johnny.

You're a fucking legend, mate.

-I am?
-Yeah.

Do you know how hard it is to be
constantly treated as a sex object?

No one has ever stood up for our
emotional and psychological health

the way you did
and it's boosted our self-esteem.

Yes, we may have committed crimes,

some petty and some fucked-up ones,

but none of us are rapists.

In fact, every single one of us

respects the sanctity of consent,
female or male.

-Unless you do want to go.
-No, we're okay.

-Are you guys sure?
-[all] Yeah, yeah, we're sure.

All right, then. Just putting it
out there, but that's your choice.

As for you, Ming, we know about
all the good that you do.

And for that, we give you respect.

And, Superwog,

we heard about the concussion you
gave the buyer over bad feedback.

What a piece of shit you are.

-Yeah, yeah, I know.
-Now, listen up.

You fellas have no hope of trying
to argue that Max made you do it.

You're going to need to come up
with a strong counterargument.

So, as a thank-you, we've decided

to all put in our monthly cigarette money
towards the best QC in the country.

Now, did you order 5,000 pairs
of the best fake shoes?

-Yes, I did.
-[gallery murmurs]

-Why?
-To construct a large art installation.

[QC] An art installation?

So I suppose you could tell us
what your artistic intention was?

To comment on the state of brands
in modern society.

Is there a plan for this art installation?

Oh, yes, exhibit 13A, Your Honor.

[audience gasps]

The swirl represents
the slippery slope of crime

and asks the viewer to think
about the role of brands

in our money-obsessed world.

That's bloody marvelous!

This is clearly a lie.

If that was true, why did you rob
and assault the buyer?

That was actually research
for my art installation.

By hitting him over the head with my shoe,

I was protesting against
modern corporate brands

and the damage they do to people's minds.

Intriguing.

I find the defendants not guilty

of selling counterfeit goods or robbery

and hereby declare Max
unfit for work as a detective

or even the police force, in general.

In fact, you're fired
from the drive-through as well.

-What?
-[audience cheers and applauds]

[laughs]

This is bullshit!

[shouting angrily]

-[grunting]
-[laughing]

[inaudible]

[theme music playing]

It's even got an egg in it.

No, I'm all right, man,
I don't want that shit.

-Hey listen, the glass…
-[both laughing]

-Get back, brah, I'll fucking…
-[Max shouting angrily]

I'll break you.

[all laughing]

What, so you betray me?

[Superwog] No, Ming, please…

[all laughing]