Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Sal's Dead - full transcript

We found him this morning.

Looks like he used to work here.

We were opening up the
drywall, and Gary saw the arm.

I was like, "What?"

No way, Gary. That's
not a dead body."

Then Gary showed it to me.

Turns out, it was a dead body.

Who are you? Beyoncé?

Selena.

- Who?
- Selena.

She was Beyoncé before Beyoncé.



I thought you were J.Lo.

Mm, no.

So, unfortunately,
the body we found

was one of our employees.

Salvatore Kazlauskas.

Wait, you mean Creepy Sal?

The man is dead.

But yeah.

- Oh.
- Phew.

Police said he's been
dead for at least a year.

Are you crying?

Yeah, I just...

Poor guy.

But you didn't know him.



But he was a human being.

Ehh.

Sal was a bit of a...

How do I put it?

When he looked at you, it felt
like he was grabbing you.

Apparently he was doing some
work behind the drywall

outside the women's washroom
and then his foot got caught

in a beam, and he
starved to death.

I'm sorry, what "work"
was he doing exactly?

We're not sure.

He drilled a hole into the
women's washroom so...

maybe he was hanging a picture?

Dude.

He was peeping on women
going to the potty.

- What?
- Ew.

Why?

Well, that explains
the rotting smell

in the women's bathroom.

I know we all assumed
that was Amy.

Why... why me?

'Cause, you know...

divorce tummy.

I'm sure there's a lot of
churn going on in there.

- I have no churn.
- And anyway, um,

everyone make sure that you
don't disturb the body

until the coroner gets here.

Wait, so it's just going
to sit in the store?

Uh...

I'm not working next
to a dead body.

Especially Sal's.

Technically we've all been working next
Sal's dead body for the past year.

Nobody complained until now.

Oh, it just occurred to me.

That must've been
Sal's foot we found.

- All: Oh.
- No, no.

Actually he still had
both of his feet.

Then who's foot was that?

What about Maxine?

Nah, I don't trust anybody

who opens their eyes that wide.

Yeah. Pass.

I can't believe this
is what dating is now.

Oh, you're not ready
to jump back in?

No.

And even if I were,

I wouldn't be using an app.

I'm still afraid of PayPal.

It actually gets to be
kind of fun, you know.

You just swipe right for yes,

left for no, see?

Oh, hello, Jessicah...

- with an H at the end, wow.
- Can I see?

Okay, you just took it.

Come on, so this is just like

a typical day for Jessicah

where she's baking
cupcakes in a Rams jersey.

Come on, I'm onto you,
Jessicah with an H.

Oh, this one is way too hipster,

- even for Jonah.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh.

A bowling action shot?

Well, clearly she's just trying
to show off her cleavage.

Oh, gross.

Yeah, get out of here with that.

- Jonah!
- Next.

I need your help.

Okay, uh...

Can... can I just get my phone?

- Oh, no I'm still playing.
- Right.

- But it's not a game so...
- Mine.

Jonah, you can live without your
pager for five minutes. Now!

Okay.

Wait, this one's just a
picture of Margot Robbie.

Are they allowed to do that?

Mm.

I can do...

a one-eyed zombie,

a motorcycle accident victim,

bride of "Babadook," and then

this one makes it look
like your head is

eating the rest of your body.

That one's my favorite.

Um, these are a bit much.

Thanks.

I've getting into
special effects makeup.

I'm working on my portfolio.

Uh-huh, that's great. Um...

How about a kitty cat?

Okay.

Another cat.

How fun.

- Oh, God.
- I know.

I'm so sick of basic people.

Not you, your mom.

No, my cousin is getting
married in the Philippines,

and literally everyone I
know is going except for me.

Aw, you should totally go.

I can't exactly leave
the country, remember?

Oh, right, because you're...

Do you know what
"undocumented" means?

Because you're undocumented.

This is so unfair.

Do you know how badly I want
one of those Instagram photos

of the wing of the plane?

Just for the record, I
don't think we should

be disturbing a crime scene.

Yeah, I got to go with
the cop on this one.

I just want to cover it up
until the coroner gets here.

I mean, we're a family store.

I know we don't specifically
promise no dead bodies,

but we shouldn't have to.

Fine, just don't go
touching the body.

I wasn't going to.

Now that you know
you're not allowed.

No, I just wouldn't do that.

Uh, because I said you can't.

Why would I...

I'm gonna let you have this one.

Because you have to.

All right, well,
that should hold.

Is this worse?

I feel like it is.

Boo!

♪ ♪

This one says
"professional wanderer,"

AKA on her parents' phone plan.
Next.

I can't tell if I like or
don't like candy corn.

Oh, my God.

Is that Kelly?

Oh, yeah, it is.

Hey, girl. Go get it.

"Just a small-town girl
livin' in a lonely world."

Ugh, calm down.

Oh, no.

What? "Match?"

I didn't... how...
how did that happen?

Well, you swiped right.

No, I didn't.

I swiped left, like this.

Oh, yeah, you got a little
right to your swipe.

- Well, how do I cancel it?
- You can't.

What do you mean I can't?

She's gonna think
Jonah matched her.

You know what it is?

It's like eating a birthday
candle, only in a good way.

Garrett, what do I do?

I don't know, be honest.

Tell her you stole Jonah's phone,
and you were stalking her on it.

Okay, that's not gonna happen.

I was thinking more like,

I could sneak up like a ninja,

take her phone, cancel
the notification,

and then slip it in
without her noticing.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm.

Or...

I know this guy who
works at the NSA.

He kind of owes me a favor.

I could call him up,

have him hack into
Kelly's phone,

and melt her motherboard.

Yes, call the guy.

I'm messing with you.

How is that helpful?

I wasn't trying to be helpful.

♪ ♪

Robin. Move.

Kelly.

Hey, girl.

Um, I... I meant to
ask you earlier...

um, what's... up?

Oh, I'm just going
to the bathroom.

Oh, me too.

Sweet. Hey, real quick.

Could I borrow your phone?

Yeah, mine is soaked.

Not in the toilet, in a...

pond.

Uh, yeah, sure. Here you go.

Thanks. Oh, it's...

it's asking me for a passcode.

Oh, here let me put it in.

Oh, you can just tell it
to me, and I'll do it.

That's okay. I'd
rather do it myself.

Why are you being so
weird about your code?

I'll just do it.

Okay, but then just give it right
back to me like really quick.

What... what was that?
What... why...

why... why... why
are you laughing?

I just...

got some good news.

Ah, here you go.

Thanks.

Oh, um, right.

Hi, it's Amy. Happy Halloween.

Thanks, you're a lifesaver.

Oh, I love how they
put him in a uniform.

Like he's a dead employee.

So cool.

No.

This is not a Halloween display.

That is a real dead body.

You crack me up.

It must be so much
fun working there.

Okay, talk to you later.

That was the coroner's office.

A gas main blew in a Shoeland.

Oh, God. Which Shoeland?

Who cares? They're all the same.

The point is, they're not
gonna be here for a while.

Oh, come on.

- Really?
- Which Shoeland?

My husband works at a Shoeland.

I don't know, Jodi.

I didn't ask the man every
little question in the world.

- How long are they gonna be...
- Which Shoeland?

Jodi, I can not
with you right now.

I didn't even hear Glenn's question.
Glenn?

- How long are they gonna be?
- I don't know.

Mind if I sit here, Mr.
Bumblebee?

Mm, actually it's the
"Disappearing Bee Crisis."

You know, because
nobody seems to...

It doesn't matter.
Yeah, sure, sit.

Oh, thanks.

So, uh...

- hey, I just want to say...
- Hey!

- Hey.
- Hey.

I thought you took your
lunch break already?

What do we got here,
the lunch police?

Take me downtown,
Officer Bumblebee.

Oh, actually I'm the
"Disappearing Bees,"

- so the...
- Oh, hey.

Kelly, could you jump
on register four?

Oh, I just started
my lunch break.

Oh, I know, and I'm ending it.

Just kidding.

Oh.

I'm not, though.

Yeah.

Sure, no, yeah. I, um...

I guess I can eat
this on the way.

Yup, that's why
they're made to go.

Oh, do you still have my phone?

Uh-oh, phone police.

You'll never take me alive.

What is this new cop thing?

♪ ♪

Attention shoppers:

Please stay away from
the Housewares section.

There is something there that
is extremely disturbing,

and it may frighten you.

It's literally horrifying.

- They're going the wrong way.
- Yeah.

I think the fact
that it's Halloween

is working against us.

Please, listen to me.

The Housewares section
is very, very scary.

It will give you nightmares.

Turn back before it's too late.

Okay, okay, Glenn,

I think you're just
making it sound

like a haunted house, you know?

- Oh, my God, you're right.
- Yeah.

The Housewares section is not

- a haunted house.
- There you go.

It is so much worse

than any haunted house
you have ever seen.

No. No, no.

You... you...
you've been warned.

Okay.

Isn't that the same costume
you wore last year?

Yeah, costumes are
like bathing suites.

You wear it till
it's just threads.

All right, Sal, let's see
what you got for me.

A bunch of wigs.

Film canister full of...

I mean, it looks
like baby teeth.

Ew.

All right, what else?

Bag of old batteries,

corpse of a turtle,

his passport.

- Oh.
- What's this?

Huh.

Looks like Sal was
working on a book.

"Bethany said Logan was the
cutest boy at Wakefield,

and he wanted to ask
me to the dance."

I'm in.

You're going to that wedding.

With Sal's passport?

I am a master at make-up.

If I can make Elias
look like Dame Edna,

I can make you look like Sal.

Wait, why did Elias
want to be Dame Edna?

He didn't, I just did it.

I mean...

it would be illegal.

Although me just being
here is illegal

so it kind of cancels out.

- Mm-hmm.
- So...

I think... we should...

- do it.
- Yes!

Oh, my God, this is
going to be so fun.

Excuse me.

We agreed on a kitty cat.

She is a kitty cat.

- An undead one.
- Duh.

♪ ♪

She saw the match before
I could get her phone.

Oh, okay, we need to
"Freaky Friday" this.

You need to find
a cursed object,

switch bodies with Jonah,

have a whirlwind
romance with her,

but then learn an
important life lesson.

Switch bodies back.

This was helpful.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Oh, no.

She sent him a wink.

What does that mean?

Is she, like, flirting? Is
that like a flirty wink?

Maybe she's winking like,

"I get it. I know
what's going on."

"I know it's you, Amy.
It's all cool."

"I won't tell Jonah."

Definitely the second one.

I have to squash this
before Jonah finds out.

Oh, so now you're just gonna
straight up "Catfish" her? Cool.

"Hey...

Thanks for the wink.

It means the world.

I think you're a great girl,

but I realized I shouldn't
be dating right now.

The timing's just not right."

There. That should fix it.

Yeah, as long as they
never run into each other

in the store they both work in.

There are, like,
dozens of aisles.

Okay, Sal, what's
your last name?

Kazlauskas.

Can you use it in a sentences?

My name is Sal Kazlauskas.

And where were you born?

South Dakota. It's great.

It's just... south of...

North Dakota.

Good save.

In 2012 you went to...?

Thailand.

In 2013 you went to...?

- Thailand.
- In 2014...

It's Thailand.

I've only been to Thailand.

- Good job.
- Thanks.

Boo!

Well, the verdict is in.

I do not like candy corn.

- Things have gone very wrong.
- Mm-hmm.

Kelly texted Jonah,
and I thought,

"Oh, Kelly will feel bad

if she doesn't get a
text back from him."

So I texted and...

This goes on for pages.

It's not good.

"Any guy in the store would
be lucky to be with you."

"Not just the store,

the world."

- It gets worse.
- I can imagine.

"Aw, sweet of you to say that."

"Well, it's true."

"You're very spicy."

"Special." It auto-corrected.

"Sorry, I meant spicy."

It did it again.

"Ha, you're spicy too."

"Well, the things is, Kelly,

my heart wants a relationship,

but my body can't handle one.

I'm very ill."

I don't know.

I was just trying to
make it seem final,

and Emma and I are reading
"Fault in Our Stars" so...

"The doctors don't even
have a name for it yet."

"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry."

"I don't really like
to talk about it."

"No one here knows."

"I understand."

"Sending you good energy."

- Ugh.
- Okay.

I know this is probably not

the right next step, but...

what if I tried
to get her fired?

Or him?

Help me, who should I get fired?

♪ ♪

What do you think?

I look terrible.

- Oh, I...
- No, I mean, I look...

terrible. Like,
exactly like Sal.

Oh!

You're a genius.

Well I mean, not
literally, but you know.

Well done!

One ticket to Manila, please.

I'll probably just
buy it online.

So...

- Where's the hummus?
- There you are.

We've been waiting for you.

- For me?
- Yeah.

Come on.

So crazy about Shoeland.

Shoeland?

Wow, already onto
the next one, huh?

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

You seem good.

I am.

I had a bar this morning with
like 20 grams of protein.

Might have been a
little too much.

No, no listen to your body.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, be careful.
Let me help you.

Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

I'm stronger than people think.

Yes.

You are so strong.

And I also think
you are so brave.

Thank you.

So you'll have to do
the make-up yourself

for the trip back.

Or you could just stay
like this the whole time.

I wish I could wear your skin.

What was that?

What? I was just saying

she had really great skin.

Huh.

- What?
- You know how,

when a person dresses skanky

then they start
acting all skanky,

but then you put that
person in fancy clothes

and they act like super British?

Uh-huh. Sure.

So maybe being in creep-face is
making you act like a creep.

That's stupid.

Mmm.

I just think it feels really
good and firm on my tongue.

I don't know why you
don't have a gurney.

Yeah, I was gonna get one, but
they're like a hundred bucks.

Ah, budget cuts.

Thank you, Governor Greitens.

So where am I supposed
to put thing?

Well, where you normally put it.

I guess I could put
it on my lawn.

I guess.

Chuck, what are you doing?

Did you get the hummus?

Hummus?

Both: Put the body down!

I was just doing what
you told me to do!

What is wrong with you?

- Okay, okay, okay!
- Back up!

- You back up!
- What?

Okay, if I rotate Jonah
on four-hour shifts,

and I keep Kelly on
the loading dock,

then I think I can make it so
that they never see each other.

I don't feel so good.

The candy corn is fusing itself

back together in my stomach.

- Is that your second bag?
- Mm-hmm.

Why did you lie to me?

I don't know what you're
talking about, Kelly!

There's a 1% chance
they're talking

about something else.

Is this some kind of prank?

Like, like, what?

"Humiliate the new girl?"

How could I humiliate you?

I barely talk to you.

Hey, guys.

Why don't we take a breath?

You know what, Kelly,

I feel like I cut
your break short.

Maybe you should go have
another bowl of ramen,

- my treat.
- No, no, no, no.

This guy's playing mind
games with me all day.

I would never do that.

I'm an ally.

Then explain all those texts!

I never texted you.

Stop lying!

- Whoa!
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Okay, Kelly, just...
- Okay, Kelly.

It was me. I did it.

I took Jonah's phone,

and I was messing around.

And I accidently swiped right,

and I just couldn't stop myself.

And Garrett had something
to do with it too.

- What?
- I-I mean mostly it was me.

Just put the knife down, okay?

You're not going to hurt anyone.

- Stop telling me what to do!
- Jonah!

Aah!

Why...

did you have to use...

my phone?

Oh.

I get it.

You... that...

fake.

So funny.

- Got me.
- Ha-ha.

Happy Halloween.

♪ ♪

I swear I'm a size
eight and a half.

Uh, you know, it's fine.

We have a nine right here.

Oh!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to...

Oh, God. Uh...

Oh, God.

Help! Help!

Oh, my God.

You look adorable.

Okay, here. Take it.

Destroy it, douse it with holy
water, and set it on fire.

What about the wedding?

I'm not going, okay?

It's not worth it.

I don't like what's
happening to me.

I need to wash this all
off before it's too late.

This happened to my uncle once.

Well, yep, you guys...
you got me.

But to be fair there are a lot
of stabbings in this store.

Yeah, you know honestly,
you really committed.

I'm impressed. I
was almost scared.

Really? Aw.

Thanks.

I watch a lot of
Lifetime movies.

Well, I'm gonna go wash
all this blood off...

is a weird way to
leave a conversation.

Hey, listen.

I just wanted you to know that

I was really not trying
to make fun of you.

It was an accident.

It's okay. I mean...

really I should have known
it was from a girl.

Guys never text that much.

I know, right?

I just, like, couldn't stop.

- Yeah.
- I was like, "Aah."

A lot of verbs.

Well, thank you for
being cool about it.

Yeah. I mean, if anything,

I should thank you.

You kind of helped
me break the ice.

Oh.

Oh, good.

Oh, gosh, and I just...

I really wanted to
tell you that...

I love Selena Gomez.

Mm-hmm.

Sorry about the questioning.

Just had to make sure
you were real coroners,

and not just here for
hummus or something.

Sure, yeah.

Well, here we are.

And you didn't touch the body?

♪ ♪

Absolutely not.

Hey, buddy, want some ribs?