Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Workplace Bullying - full transcript

Hey!

What are you...
what are you doing?

Um, just some stuff.

No, you were... you're
trying to rob the store.

Yeah.

Well, you... put it back.

Uh, I don't think I'm gonna.

Wh... well, I caught
you, so, y-you have to.

Um, I don't think I do.

But th... that's how this works.

No, don't just... no.
Don't take more.



Do you have a gun?

No! Maybe.

Maybe I do.

Uh, I-I don't think you do.

Well, I don't think you do,
so, you know, it's a tie.

What do you think about that?

Okay. Excuse me.

Oh. Wait!

No, no, no, no! No, he... no.

- Who is that?
- He's a stealer...

uh, thief. He's a thief.

You can run, but you can't hide!

- Jonah, call the police!
- Right.

Look who's grounded now.



Jonah, I just did a "Law
& Order" type zinger.

Oh, he's calling the police.

Not on my watch, buddy.

I saw immediately it
was a 487 in progress.

The perp appeared to be unarmed.

I did not see him violate
my colleague, however,

he could have violated him
before I arrived on the scene.

- Is that what happened?
- No, he did not violate me.

Well, you just had such a
shameful look on your face

when I showed up.

I don't know what he could
have done to you beforehand,

but it is not your fault
if he touched you.

Okay, okay. Nothing happened.

All right? I caught
him stealing.

End of story.

And you made no
attempt to stop him?

No, I mean, I told him
to stop, but he didn't.

And then he asked me to
move and just took off.

Wait, I'm sorry.

He asked you to move out of
the way so he could leave

with the cash, and
you just did it?

He... well... he said,
"Excuse me," you know?

So it was for of,
like, a reflex.

Oh, wow.

What is going on in
this neighborhood?

We got robbed, Home
Depot got robbed,

that weird store that only
makes copies got robbed.

I'm scared to even walk
to my car alone at night.

That is why everyone
gets a rape whistle.

- That's a kazoo.
- Yeah, we had an overstock.

So everyone gets a rape kazoo.

I also think we need
parking lot buddies

so that no one has to walk
to their car alone at night.

I'll be paired with
anyone but Sarah.

That girl's got, like, a huge

restraining order against me.

I'll take any guy who's
6'2" with blue eyes.

Wait, we're talking about
picking boyfriends, right?

I'll take Justine.

The robbers will probably
kill her before they kill me.

Since I don't drive,
could you assign someone

to walk me to the bus
stop and wait with me?

We're not picking.
We're drawing names

so that it's fair.
I will go first.

Mine is... Myrtle, so
I'm gonna go again

because everybody
gets one re-do.

So my real one is Cheyenne,
and that one's final.

Can I be paired with
Mateo, actually?

We usually go to
trivia night together.

Oh, you guys do a trivia night?

That sounds fun.

I still say I got
robbed last week.

Women do not produce eggs.
That's chickens.

Garrett mocked you
so hard for that.

He was all like, you
know, funny stuff.

So, like, almost everyone
goes to this trivia night?

- Yeah.
- Solid crew.

I love trivia.

Sorry.

I'm not being raped.

I just was trying to
play "Camptown Races."

- It's not a toy.
- It is not.

Dude, you need to do
something about Ken.

He's a terrible security guard.

He wasn't even here this morning
when the store got robbed.

Yeah, look, I know
he's not the best.

But he is such a sweet man.

Look, I know it sucks
to fire somebody,

but what's worse...
Waiting for some lunatic

to come in here and
kill a customer,

or having an uncomfortable
conversation?

Security, report to
Customer Service.

- Security to Customer Service.
- Stop it.

He's taking a selfie, Glenn.

The dude's taking a selfie.

My parking lot buddy is Jonah.
How is he gonna protect me?

"Oh, stop. Don't attack us."

I'm literally right
here, Myrtle.

Listen, her mind's mostly gone,

but she raises a good point.

You froze while a guy
robbed the store.

Okay, again, I didn't freeze.
He was being calm,

so I was being calm. The
robber sets the tone.

Oh, so are you just going
to be calm when a group

of methed-out serial killers
stabs Myrtle to death

in the parking lot?

No, because that would
be a different tone.

- Come on.
- Hey, everybody.

Can I get you to meet
me in the break room

for a quick chat?

Is it about your boots?

Uh, no.

Um, it's about this
morning's incident.

Is that when you
bought your boots?

Just... if everybody would just
meet me in the break room.

♪

Okay, so, I wanted to
bring Dina up here

so we could discuss this
morning's incident.

Listen, I don't need an attaboy

just for doing my job, okay?
But I do think it's positive

that this can open a
conversation about self-defense

and how each of us
need to take action...

What I'm saying is,
don't do what Dina did.

- Ooh.
- I'm sorry, what?

He said, "Don't be like you."

Dina took it upon herself to
physically confront the thief.

And while it worked
out okay this time,

it could have turned into
serious injury, or death,

or God forbid, a lawsuit.

I'm obviously joking.
A lawsuit would not

be as bad as death.
The point is,

we have a policy for this.
So if you see

something suspicious, report it.

Don't try to handle it yourself.

Yeah, we all know
what the policy is,

but what was I supposed to do?

Just stand there and
make brown, like Jonah?

What did Jonah do?

Well, I didn't actually
do anything...

Exactly. He just sat there

and watched a guy rob the store.

Thank you. That is what you

should all do in the future.

Thank you, Jonah, for
actually following protocol.

Oh, well, yeah. I
mean, you know,

you guys came up
with the policy.

I just knew it and followed it.

- It's appreciated.
- Oh, my God,

just sleep with him, already.

- What?
- Okay,

what if someone steals a baby?

What then? Do you want
me to just sit there

and watch someone take a baby?

What if the baby
is wearing a bomb?

Then wouldn't you
want him to steal it?

I'm trying to picture
a scenario in which

- somebody planted...
- Oh, what if it's baby Hitler?

- Oh.
- That's a very good question.

- Is it?
- I think you gotta kill

- that baby Hitler.
- Yeah.

But how would you know that
that baby was gonna grow up

to be Hitler? What if
that baby was gonna

grow up to be the exact
opposite of Hitler?

- Churchill?
- No.

- Lance Bass.
- Interesting.

- Oprah.
- Yeah, Oprah.

- Oh, yeah.
- Gotta save that baby.

- Gotta save it.
- I'm more of an Ellen person.

- It's fun when she dances.
- Anyway, what I'm saying is,

don't be a Dina. Be a Jonah.

- Oh. Different.
- Wow.

Wait, you guys. What
if it's baby Oprah,

but the person stealing
it is Beyoncé?

I need a pen and paper.

Ken, you... You know
how much I love you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

But a thief just wandered
into the store this morning.

I know. Crazy, right?

I just heard about that.

And I hate to be such
a Sally Stickler,

but technically, you were
supposed to be here.

Yes, yes. And I'm so sorry.

You know, it just...
it takes me forever

to get going in the morning.

'Cause I don't believe
in alarm clocks.

I like to wake up when my body
is ready, you know what I mean?

But we've talked
about this before.

And I think it's
time for you to go.

- Oh.
- I'm so, so sorry.

No, it's nothing
to be sorry about.

God bless.

Jerusha, how was it?
I feel sick!

All right. Here you go.

Hey, you know, you can just
take this stroller and leave,

if you want. Just
right out the store.

This little girl won't
try and stop you.

- Ow, what are you doing?
- Just explaining that

you're a sackless wuss
that would even let

- this pipsqueak rob us.
- You know what?

I'm just... I'm gonna
go pay for it.

- Yeah, enjoy that.
- Sorry. Congratulations.

- What the hell was that?
- "What the hell was that?"

I'm a little baby."

Look, I can tell you're upset...

- No, you can't.
- Okay, look,

maybe, uh, Jeff calling you out
in the meeting this morning

- was a little embarrassing...
- Uh, the only thing

that's embarrassing is how
far Jeff is up your butt.

Hello, Jeff? Are you in there?

- Okay.
- Try not to scuff

- your ridiculous boots.
- Oh, wow, right?

- How insane...
- We are not on the same team.

Hey.

Oh, turkey sandwich.

Hey, did you know that the
sandwich was invented

- by the Earl of Sandwich?
- Okay.

That's just a little
random fact that I knew.

My head's full of all kinds
of things like that.

- Who invented salad?
- Good question.

I have another one.
Remember how we were just

talking about turkey?
Which founding father

wanted to make the turkey
our national bird?

- Um...
- Huh?

Anyone? Benjamin Franklin,

who, as we all know, also
invented the Franklin Stove

- and bifocals.
- Really?

- I don't think that's true.
- Well, it is true.

I know it's true because
I just looked it up.

Okay.

So did he invent salad?

No. No, that was someone else.

♪

Ken? You're... you're here.

Big time!

Okay, um, look, maybe
I wasn't clear,

and that's my fault.

But what I meant to say was,

I don't want you to be the
security guard here anymore.

Oh. So you're thinking

move me over to what?
Like, sales?

- I wasn't...
- 'Cause I do think that

would be a better fit for
my particular skill set.

'Cause if I'm being
honest with myself,

I don't know anything
about security.

Okay. Okay.

Yes, thanks. Yes, yes.

Oh, hey, Jonah. I just
wanted to tell you,

I really liked the way you
handled yourself this morning

- with the robbery.
- Oh, thank you.

Um, but that... that
wasn't really...

I get it. But it's
just nice to know

we've got some level-headed,
calm people working here.

So good job.

Uh, hey. Hey, um...

You know what? This...
this might sound weird,

but, um, could you not
compliment me in front of Dina?

- I'm sorry?
- I appreciate everything

that you're saying, but, um,

I think Dina was a little
embarrassed about what happened

this morning. And when
Dina gets embarrassed,

- she can be a bit of a bully.
- Dina's bullying you?

No, no. That's not what I...

No, I just meant that she
can be a bit of a bully.

Thank you for coming forward.

I will talk to HR.

No, no, no, no. You don't need

to get HR involved. No.

Okay, but you understand
you just informed me

that a superior is bullying you.
Legally, that's something

I have to report. We've just had

too many suicides.

Not necessary, no.

Okay, I take no joy in getting
Dina in any kind of trouble.

Really? 'Cause you're...
you're smiling

- a little.
- Am I?

Huh.

It's been brought to my
attention that there has been

some bullying in the store.

I have spoken to the
person responsible,

but I would like to
remind everybody

that Cloud 9 has a
zero tolerance policy

against bullying of anyone
under any circumstance.

What if you're bullying Hitler?

Bullying's probably
what made him Hitler.

Actually, I think it was not
getting into art school.

Okay, can we just
forget about Hitler?

No, we can't ever
forget about Hitler.

- She's right.
- Okay, I'm fine.

- I was not bullied.
- Believe me,

If I had bullied Jonah, Justine
wouldn't be the only one

- with a broken nose.
- Heyo!

Okay, bullying's not
just beating people up.

It's... it's any behavior
that's hostile or intimidating.

Like when your ex
buys $300 boots,

but all he got you on
your birthday was a cake

from the store bakery?

You said you didn't
want anything.

So, you know what,
that doesn't matter.

The point is, we all
know what bullying is;

harassment, name-calling...

Sometimes it seems like
you're calling someone a name

but then it's their actual name.

I once met a Greek guy named
Herpes, or something like that.

- I thought you fired that dude.
- I did. Twice.

Okay, so, what are
some other examples?

- Moron, A-hole...
- Bimbo.

Bald jerk.

Herpes when their
name is not Herpes.

- Va-Jonah.
- Opus Dei. Pasty freak.

Okay, I meant other examples
of bullying, not name-calling.

But nobody here should
be calling you those.

Oh, no. That was
just my doctors.

How about being
excluded socially?

Sure, especially if they're

purposely targeting
an individual.

What if it was more
like a group of people

who were planning an event

and they just weren't
inviting a specific person?

Um, I think maybe what you're
describing is just a loser.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's a loser.

A lot of interesting
opinions today, Kelly.

- Thank you.
- Sometimes the bus driver

opens the door and,
when I try to get in,

he drives forward a little and
then I try to get in again,

but then he drives a little
more and we're all laughing,

but still...

Yes, that is bullying, Sandra.

Um... Jesus.

♪

Wow.

You really got this
firing thing down.

I think he's gonna
make a fine associate.

Stop. Ow, you're
breaking my arm.

Just trust me. It's
gonna fit, okay?

Stop fighting, man.

- There you go.
- You're right, he's good.

- Hey, hey.
- Ken.

- Hey, it's the cool kids.
- Where?

You. You're the...

You're the cool kids.

- Oh.
- So, um, any of you cats

heading to this
trivia thing tonight?

Oh, no. None of us
get invited to that.

That thing is lame anyway.

Hey, what if we did something?

- Together?
- Yes.

I always wanted to try that
bowling alley down the street.

Yes! All right.

Let's do it! Bowling night!

I bet they have those wings,

and they serve them
with ranch dressing.

Feels like you're
British or something.

Yeah. Maybe.

I love bowling alleys.
They're so dark,

so you can make any
kind of faces you want.

- Okay.
- What should our team name be?

We should be the Best Friends.

'Cause we are best friends.

Wow. Yeah.

Oh, darn it. I just
remembered, um,

Emma has a thing tonight.

So...

I can't.

- Can we come?
- Oh.

Um, oh. Uh, no.

♪

Hey, buddy. Guess what this is?

It's my first write-up. Ever.

So thank you so much for that.

Look, I'm sorry. I
genuinely did not mean

- to get you in trouble.
- Hey, it's all in the past.

I just came over to ask you in
the most polite way possible

to please clean up the
spill in aisle nine.

Uh, this is aisle nine.

Jesus! What is wrong with you?

- Oops.
- You know what?

I'm glad you got written up.
You are a bully.

Well, I'd rather be a bully
than a castrated garden gnome.

A garden gnome? What
would you even castrate?

Well, who knows what's
under those little pants?

That's not the point.
The point is,

at least I'm not too weak
to stop a simple robbery.

That was an awkward situation. I
could have destroyed that guy.

With muscles like those?
Come on.

I'm wiry because I work out
with resistance bands,

but believe me. They
can get the job done.

So, you think you
could kick my ass?

Your ass? Yeah, uh,

obviously, I could... sure.

Oh. Well, then come at me.

- Come at you?
- Come at me!

- Come at me, bro.
- What are you doing?

- Oh, are you too scared?
- I'm not scared.

I'm at work, and I don't wanna

lose my job, Dina.

Then let's take this
thing off campus.

- What?
- Fight!

Fight, guys. Jonah's
fighting Dina.

Fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight...

Guys, say it with me.
It's so much fun.

Fight, fight, fight...

You guys are the worst.

So what's the best
case scenario, here?

Dina beats you up, or
everyone gets to see

- you hit a woman.
- It's not gonna come to that.

Bullies just need
to be confronted.

There. Officially off
Cloud 9 property.

Now we're just a
couple of civilians.

- So show me what you got.
- Look, Dina, I'm not

I'm not fighting you. This is...

Why? Because I'm a woman?

Because if you were
really a feminist,

you'd punch me in the face.

What does that...
Okay, what are you...

What are you doing? I'm
not gonna do that.

- It's been a long time coming.
- Wh-what?

Since this morning.

- I... I won't...
- Wait, guys.

Just stop. This is crazy.

- Thank you.
- Now we're good.

Garrett, you don't need to...
You can turn it off,

- because...
- all: Ooh!

- Dina, what are you doing?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Get him to the ground.
- Dina, I'm not gonna-

- Hit him!
- Okay, all right.

- Come on.
- Oh.

Stop rolling. Your
skin is very smooth,

- like a dolphin.
- I don't wanna do this.

- Just fight me.
- No.

- Come on.
- Ow.

- Fight me.
- Stop, Dina, get off.

- Dina, get off!
- What the hell is that?

- Nothing.
- What's wrong, man?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

I'm good. I just...
just gimme a minute.

- Did you just get an erection?
- What? No.

- No, no.
- He did, it's true.

We got a boner, everyone.

No, no, it's not. It's...
the friction

- from the pants are really soft.
- Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner.

Really? None of you?

Nice to get off early, huh?

Have the whole night
to do whatever?

- Uh-huh.
- Totally.

Like, maybe some laundry. Oh,
no, I did that yesterday.

So, ugh, what to do?

What to do?

I'll see you guys over there.

Let's get trivial!

- All right.
- Whoo!

Seriously? You guys
invited that girl?

I am way smarter than that girl.

Okay, girl, what are
you getting all

- "Real Housewives" about?
- I'm talking about,

why aren't you inviting
me to trivia night?

'Cause we figured you
weren't interested.

Why wouldn't I be interested?

I love trivia. I love nights.

You never wanna do
anything after work.

Yeah, you're always like, "No,"

and then you did that weird,
like, sarcastic thing.

Oh, like I would say
no to trivia night.

- You're doing it right now.
- Okay, that's beside the point.

I said no because I was married
and I had Emma to look after.

But now I'm separated and
Emma has her own thing,

and I spend most of
my nights by myself

and I would really just like
to have a social life again.

Okay, great. Just
come to trivia night.

- Okay, great.
- Great.

I will. Thank you.

Okay, we'll see you at 10.

- Bye!
- Wait, uh, what... 10:00 p.m.?

Who starts trivia at... 10:00 p.m.
is an awesome time

to start trivia. I
love that idea.

Maybe you'll get that
hard salad question.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

I'm so tired.

- Hey.
- Uh, Dina, I really don't...

Listen, I'm feeling so
stupid for not realizing

why you've been messing
with me so much.

It's like a school boy
pulling your pigtails.

- I'm sorry?
- You're still attracted to me.

I get the message
hard and clear.

And hard.

- Um...
- Here's the thing...

It's terrible timing, because
I just ended this thing

with Garrett, and I need to
lone wolf it for a while.

Yeah, I feel like you're...

You and I are just two ships
passing in the night.

But that's not to say down
the road those two ships

won't meet up in some harbor
and just drop anchor.

- You know?
- It's a beautiful sentiment.

- It is.
- Yeah.

Oh, and speaking of ships,

your mast... very impressive.

Well done.

Hey, parking lot buddy. Ready to
go wait at the bus stop with me?

Oh, um, you know what, I'm
actually gonna catch up

- with the trivia night guys.
- But you said it was lame.

- Yeah, I did say that.
- Yeah.

But you're good to
walk alone, right?

We'll start buddies tomorrow.

Okay.

It's just a little dark, but...

and I don't know who that is.